Abuse

mariaalice wrote: »

That presupposes that the abuser knows they are an abuser in the first palace.

Take two young people say 18-22 starting out on an adult type relationship for the first time their framework is their family because they have not had any other life experience.

The abuser who thinks they love the other person is crushed with jealousy and also has self-esteem issues so they put their partner down to make themselves better, they project their own issue on to their partner, they may not realise it is abuse they may feel entitled to put their partner down they may think that sort of behavior is normal in relationships.

Abusers are often vulnerable themselves, just in a different way. Most abuse is based on insecurity. Its rare you will get a sadist who actually enjoys inflicting pain on another person. Mostly its someone who has terrible fear of losing the person they are with and who thinks that being controlling is the best way to prevent that happening. Possibly they know on some level its not normal but its amazing how we can rationalise this kind of thing to ourselves.

mariaalice wrote: »

But a checklist is a start to the realisation that they are being abused or that they are the abuser and also its a pointer on how to get help.

Even that isn't fool proof. You mentioned having access to each others social media in an earlier post. Now that can be a sign of abuse but isn't always. It always comes back to context and intent. Having a checklist is very black and white, it doesn't recognise the nuance in relationships.

mariaalice wrote: »

Do individuals not realise or recognise behaviors they are the recipient of in a relationship is abusive, younger people have grown up with a lot of education, access to social media, and access to information for example https://spunout.ie. There is a lot resources explaining what abuse is.

Its not about physical abuse which most people do recognise as abuse.

Have a look at the "boiling frog" theory or syndrome in relation to abuse and neglect.

hayoc wrote: »

Its like magnetic attraction - or how it was explained to me - like doing a dance with someone that knows all the same moves you do.

An abusee meets an abuser and they BOTH feel comfortable and familiar in the dance moves because its how they both learned how to behave at a young age.

Not necessarily. Not all abusers learned to abuse at a young age. They are just deeply manipulative people and abuse different people in different ways. If you've come out of an abusive household your boundaries are very weak and you won't even notice being taken advantage of in a 'fruendship' for example. Some people see kindness, gentleness, generosity etc in others as weaknesses to br taken advantage of. If someone with those traits has been brought up having no idea they have a right to personal boundaries they will find themselves in abusive friendships, romantic relatiobships and the victims of workplace bullying. If people keep telling you that you're too nice for your own good you'd better start listening.

Coercive control is one of the most dangerous and invisible forms of abuse. Yet our criminal justice system has only caught up this in the oast few years. Still a partner can batter another to a pulp while a witness watches and calls the police and yet the gaurds STILL can NOT be able to prosecute unless the victim agrees. In other forward looking first world countries it is the police force that decides to prosecute regardless of whether they have the victims permission.

I know or have known several educTed, articulate, brilliant people who have been beaten into hospital by their charming, educated, professional partners Lets get things straight - the abuser is NOT the victim. They may be damaged, but this does not give them the right to destroy another human beings life.
Lets stop excusing it and casually making excuses like it dosn’t matter and the cictims don’t count.

Cruel, manipulative, moneygrabbing, violent people who destroy others lives for their selfish gain, power and ego ARE monsters and should also be treated as such. Not soft stroked and made excuses for.

Man with broke phone wrote: »

Because the abuser makes them believe they deserve it.

Not always.

The victim can have grown up thinking this is the way you talk to people or treat them. The odd slap etc is ok.

The way your father talks about women etc or to your mother in front of you is your template for normality.

When you grow up in an abusive home you dont develop a healthy self esteem or an internal locus of evaluation, abuse is normalized, particularly covert abuse which are subtle but very damaging over time, things like enmeshment and the blurring of healthy boundaries in relationships with parents or siblings. Adults that had enmeshed family relationships don't understand healthy boundaries, when they enter into relationships later in life, either platonic or romantic they can engage in behaviours such as sharing each others passwords or controlling one another.

Covert narcissism where a parent or older sibling uses emotional manipulation, guilt trips, tantrums, lying for attention, scapegoating the child and unmining the child's self esteem over years. With a covert narcissist the childs worth is placed in what they can do for the parent, the parent will make inappropriate or unattainable demands of the child and when the child cant meet these demands theyre punished. The parent will disregard the childs emotional needs and well being as they view their own needs more important than the childs
Punishment can include prolonged silent treatment where the parent wont speak to the child, the child has to win back the parents love and approval, the parent might make up lies about the child to other family members, childs teachers, friends or the childs friends parents, they might say things like the child is very badly behaved or the child is difficult at home. They might punish the child through calling them names and putting them down. The child never knows where they stand with the parent and they dont know what the parent wants them to be, In situations like this the child is constantly trying to please the parent and 'win' their love. From the outside the family may look normal as the child is not physically neglected.
Theres lots of other types of covert emotional abuse which contribute to the liklines of ending up in abusive romantic and platonic relationships.


Allot of information regarding abusive relationships is geared towards the victim and the signs listed are often the extreme like violence and obvious control. They also massively demonise the abusers, now im not defending abusers but I genuinely think allot of emotionally abusive people don't fully understand that theyre abusive. They likely come from abusive, enmeshed or unhealthy backgrounds and often dont know how to have relationships as they have no awareness of their own behaviours coupled with low self esteem from the abuse - Thats not to defend their behaviour or belittle victims, there are always people who are well aware of what theyre doing but id be inclined to think, similarly to some victims, they can have a lack of understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

When you grow up in an abusive home you dont develop a healthy self esteem or an internal locus of evaluation, abuse is normalized, particularly covert abuse which are subtle but very damaging over time, things like enmeshment and the blurring of healthy boundaries in relationships with parents or siblings. Adults that had enmeshed family relationships don't understand healthy boundaries, when they enter into relationships later in life, either platonic or romantic they can engage in behaviours such as sharing each others passwords or controlling one another.

People who come from abusive homes can also be the victims and some go on to have very healthy relationships.

Everything you say is correct but I'm always wary of profiling too much. Sometimes the most loving of parents can produce an abuser.