Ridiculous things your teachers said in school.

Her name was Lola · 01-10-2014 11:09pm

Oh and my Junior cert history teacher told my parents that she thought I was a genius. My Junior Cert Art teacher told me that I could easily do Art at Leaving Cert.
I think these people didn't even know who they were talking about.

fleet_admiral · 01-10-2014 11:09pm

Her name was Lola wrote: »

Also got an A1 in Chemistry - but that was a different teacher heh heh.

Do you have an iphone?

steddyeddy · 01-10-2014 11:09pm

Czarcasm wrote: »

How did you survive at all eddy in a 'working class' school with that attitude? It's the sort of attitude that's a self fulfilling prophecy and does a person no good!

I suppose it was hard to take my secondary school English teacher seriously when he walked into school in his banana colored shell suit! We pretty much spent the whole class breathless from laughing at the poor guy! Still though, if it weren't for his ineptitude (he made Mr. Bean look like Albert Einstein), I wouldn't have been encouraged to use my own initiative to study instead, because we sure as hell weren't learning anything in class!

My mother taught me in 3rd and 4th class in primary school, the amount of times I came out with "Mam" instead of "Teacher"... Jaysus :rolleyes:

What self fulfilling prophecy? I didn't say violence never solved anything.

Her name was Lola · 01-10-2014 11:10pm

fleet_admiral wrote: »

Do you have an iphone?

Eh?

Chancer3001 · 01-10-2014 11:15pm

Got taught how to baptise a baby in religion.

Then a baby with no head.

Then a baby with two heads.

Got told I should be a poet or a rocket designer.

Got called a chancer.

Emmacash · 01-10-2014 11:29pm

Had a teacher in third class who, if you made a mistake of any kind, would screech at you-
''you're a D.O.P.E. DOPE!!!! What are you?''
And you'd have to stand up, face the class and and repeat-
''I'm a D.O.P.E. dope''
Fairly humiliating. 'Oul bint!

podgemonster · 01-10-2014 11:51pm

I remember my geography teacher starring out the window during class at the new first years in the yard. He turned to us, sunlight gleaming on the burst blood vessels on his purple faced, his vice hoarse from a evening of drinking and smoking.

"Lads, I have to be very careful when I say this, but t'won't be long before there'll be a black man in the Dáil"

AngryHippie · 02-10-2014 12:24am

hairyslug wrote: »

Our headmaster is primary school told us that it was good not to eat for a day every now and again so that we could give our stomachs a break

There is actually quite a swathe of empirical evidence that periodical fasting is very beneficial to human beings at any age. Considering the epidemic of little fatties parked in front of their playstations, it turns out that your headmaster, though a little bonkers, may have been on to something.

_Whimsical_ · 02-10-2014 12:25am

I had an Irish teacher who took great exception to anyone having their own opinion on poetry and literature and including it in answers given up to her.

Her reasoning : "What is it with children and thinking these days? None of you have thought anything someone hasn't thought before,no one wants to know what YOU think. Everything you need to know is in the book, just learn what it says in the book.".

Eventually she insisted that instead of prefacing answers with "I think" or "In my opinion" all class questions and written questions had to start with "It says in the book that...".

Sadly it was a strategy that worked very well for the leaving cert but it killed the subject for me completely despite my good result.

ItsShane · 02-10-2014 12:27am

My old tech graph teacher was a notorious bull-****ter.

He claims:
*He designed the nose of the concord and decided to teach in the the public school, instead of retiring.
*He was on a plane one time, and it went in to a dive (must have been that darn dodgy design of his) but luckily he had a laptop at hand. He used his laptop to prevent the plane from crashing.

Deco99 · 02-10-2014 12:40am

Religous education after I gave a cheeky answer that was technically correct, cant remember it, but she said out loud to a class of 14/15 year olds "you've got a lot of spunk".

Digital Solitude · 02-10-2014 12:49am

"Live long and Prosper"

Said by the schools resident hardass. His daughter claims he was going to do the hand thing too

Minera · 02-10-2014 12:51am

I think everyone must have been told at some stage by a math teacher that "ye wont have a calculator everytime you need to divide" eh hello mobile phones....

refusetolose · 02-10-2014 1:01am

Teacher : "Bring up your homework"
Pupil : "Forgot it Sir"
Teacher : "Still bring it up"

few slaps off teacher when he went up

Cedrus · 02-10-2014 1:10am

Teacher sent me home when I was about 6 and told me to never come back, My Mother rang up to check my story and asked what did I do. Her response was "He did nothing, He did nothing, He did NOTHING, HE DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING" her pitch rose like an opera singer apparently, Can't blame her really.

Lapin · 02-10-2014 1:25am

First day in national school.

Our teacher, a former nun but permanent servant and number one fan of the good lord laid down the rule from day one.

"The boldest boy in the class every week has to sit beside Tom the tinker for the following week".

I think she slowly began to show signs of cracking up a few years later when parents began to notice that all the homework their kids got seemed to centre on the wisdom of the bible, and one child told of being repeatedly baptised by her in the classroom sink.

In true Irish fashion, rather than fucking her out on her ear, sans pension, she was quietly persuaded to take up residence back in her old convent where she could sit in an armchair facing the garden window and talk to God all day long by herself to her heart's content.

Summer wind · 02-10-2014 1:32am

Our science teacher used to say "there's a door there and there's a gate out further and why don't ye use them cos we have no time for wasters here."

Then if he saw someone writing on a desk he would say "would you do that to the coffee table at home now would you".

Applause · 02-10-2014 2:28am

6th year Biology teacher - "I don't know why you're even taking notes, you're going to fail your exam!"

I ended up with a B2, in yo' face Mrs ********.

She was probably my favourite teacher though. :P

Waitsian · 02-10-2014 2:35am

Geog teacher in Newry CBS 1986, looking through a window at a British army spotter plane flying overhead: "I wonder what he's doing up there?"

Classmate of mine from the back row: "He's flying a plane sir."

Waitsian · 02-10-2014 2:46am

French teacher, first year, trying to get us to think outside the box: "Can anyone think of an English word that comes originally from French word cheval?"

After the obvious ones I stuck my hand up and said: "shovel".

The class of course went into hysterics and I was thrown out into the corridor. She obviously thought I was taking the piss. I wasn't; just didn't understand what she was looking for.

Anyway went home confused and somewhat upset and told my uncle. He of course laughed too and then said to me in front of my mother and siblings:

"Well you weren't completely wrong - you need a shovel to pick up the horse ****!"

Tragamin2k2 · 02-10-2014 2:49am

"any of ye ever been to paris?"

"yeah we went there in second year on school tour"

"how did ye find it?"

"oh we didnt have to, one of the teachers knew where it was"

Kovu · 02-10-2014 3:11am

Principal; ''You can't wear that necklace to school any more. It's a health and safety hazard.''
Kovu; ''But Sir, it's a necklace! The rules say nothing about that''
(bear in mind Kovu had 7/8 piercings too)
Principal; "It's a bloody miniature pair of handcuffs on a chain. That is not a necklace. Go down to the shop and buy yourself a bottle of cop on''

and

'Kovu can excel at subjects when she puts her mind to it. The problem is that she seems to lose it fairly often':pac:

Stockey1994 · 02-10-2014 3:32am

Principal says to me on the last day of the junior cert "Mr.stockey I hope you have no intentions of returning next year because if you do we will be forced to call the guards"

osarusan · 02-10-2014 5:53am

'I'll come down on you like a ton of bricks.'

'Ye're only fooling yerselves.'

A cow called Daisy · 02-10-2014 7:17am

In national school to one kid

Teacher: Why don't you just sit down and be good.
Pupil: Mammy always gives me 20 pence when she wants me to be good.
Teacher: Why can't you be like your father and be good for nothing.:D

daveco23 · 02-10-2014 7:37am

Franciscan school - they bring in some fundamentalist bint to educate us about the evils of abortion & contraception. Best line out of her was that vasectomies cause heart disease because "all the sperms have to go somewhere"...

Aglomerado · 02-10-2014 8:44am

Funny, more than ridiculous.

My LC Biology teacher was an eccentric (but actually really sound and quite cool) nun.

We were doing plant biology and pollination and stuff like that and she announced that us girls in the class (co-ed school) were to be wary of any boys bringing us flowers. Why? Because they are plants' reproductive organs! Think of the subliminal message!

razorblunt · 02-10-2014 8:57am

"You won't get within an ass's roar of the Junior Cert boy".
Not directed at me but still brilliant.

In French one day, the same teacher asked a guy for the phrase "I go cycling", the lad answered "je joue de cycle", the teacher responded with "you ... play .....cycling?...you PLAY cycling?...what...you literally pick the bike up and dropkick it over the bar?"

Legend of a teacher though.

hadoken13 · 02-10-2014 8:58am

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

There is benefits to intermittent fasting for adults. Though not something you'd want children doing obviously.

Intermittent fasting but not by not eating for a day. Intermittent as in avoiding eating around the clock, but still eating during the day, not eating for a whole day is not good for your health.

Teyla Emmagan · 02-10-2014 9:09am

Most of these teachers sound brilliant. And realistically you can't blame them for being a bit mental/agressive with their students. I'm sure half of you deserved a good clip around the ear!

redfacedbear · 02-10-2014 9:11am

Deco99 wrote: »

Religous education after I gave a cheeky answer that was technically correct, cant remember it, but she said out loud to a class of 14/15 year olds "you've got a lot of spunk".

Our (nun) religion teacher used to hate people being slagged - she wanted everybody to be able to express themselves without fear of being mocked.

So she used to say to a room of 13 year old boys; 'what do we hate? - KNOCKERS.'

Getting the class to shout out 'knockers' and absolutley delighted with the enthusiasm which we responded with.

jandm · 02-10-2014 9:33am

Career guidance nun - not in 1952!
Now jandm, you got 100% in the technical part of the aptitude test and you're a girl....
I know you are top of the class in music...
You should be a nurse and you could play the piano in the nurses home to entertain the other girls.

somesoldiers · 02-10-2014 9:33am

"I before E"

Blackhorse Slim · 02-10-2014 9:53am

On my 5th year school report:
Blackhorse sits in English class as if he's waiting for a bus.

???

Also, secondary school, mid-eighties:

Teacher: You, stop running in the corridor! What year are you in?

Blackhorse: 1985 miss, what year are you in?

jamesbere · 02-10-2014 10:06am

I found it funny more than ridiculous.

"Mr o Sullivan if you don't stop clicking that pen I'll shove it so far up your backside you'll be sh**ing ink for a month"

FrKurtFahrt · 02-10-2014 10:12am

If idiots could fly, you'd be a wing commander.

Hoop66 · 02-10-2014 10:40am

In 4th year Biology, I did really well in the exam. My school report said "he kept his ability well hidden all term".

I cheated - a mate of mine saw his Biology teacher writing out the exam question and where he had put the paper. We broke into the labs that night and copied out the questions.

folan · 02-10-2014 10:56am

pi = 3

Laois6556 · 02-10-2014 11:07am

I was shy in school, very, very shy. Got bullied a bit. A nightmare for me would be having to answer questions in front of everybody. One teacher used to make me do this a lot, he was doing it on purpose. He took a real dislike to me for some reason. I know this because of some of the things he said to me when he held me after class one day. In relation to this thread, those things were the ridiculous things a teacher said. Had a long effect though. Do I get one of those thread buzz killed awards?

messrs · 02-10-2014 11:10am

A nun in my school told one of the girls that she was no good at school and the best job she could hope for was selling herself on the street corner!

somesoldiers · 02-10-2014 11:12am

messrs wrote: »

A nun in my school told one of the girls that she was no good at school and the best job she could hope for was selling herself on the street corner!

Failing that, join the clergy

podgemonster · 02-10-2014 11:13am

My woodwork teacher was a short,stout but tough man. One day he was feeding planks through the table saw in the centre of the woodwork room, no googles, wearing a tie and a light cigarette clenched in his teeth as he concentrated.

We hear an unfamiliar grunting sound and turn to see him flaying and kicking vicious at the machine. His tie had become caught in the saw. He was trying to kick the emergency stop button the floor but his legs were falling short, sawdust is flying everywhere. No of us move a muscle, too stunned to react, not sure whether we are about to see our teacher cut in half.

He eventually connects with the stop button, yanks his tie loose, stands up and takes a long, slow drag of his cigarette, takes a look at himself up and down, breathes out the smoke and faces the white faced students and says...

"and that gentlemen is how you ruin a perfectly good tie"

MRnotlob606 · 02-10-2014 11:15am

My History teacher once said that Mountbatten and Bernard Montgomery were the same person. Lol.

MRnotlob606 · 02-10-2014 11:19am

I was taught by a load of farmers so a load of quare things came out of their spouts from time to time.

Duggy747 · 02-10-2014 11:26am

Had a right wench of an Irish teacher. A super cúnt extraordinaire who got enjoyment in making a fool out of me. The sister had her a few years before me and used to get similar treatment from her, too.

She used to announce to the class that another friend of mine in the class, who was a tiny guy, was bullying me and tried to make me admit it in front of everyone. Even if I was being bullied I'd hardly feckin' admit it in front of the entire class.

Another time, she made us write down something from a book in silence for a few minutes when suddenly:

Her: "Do you know what, Duggy? Someone wrote something about you on one of the tables."

*Class turns and faces me*

Me: "Wh-what?"

Classmate: "What did it say, miss?"

Her: "...........I'm not saying, it's rude. Go back to your writing."

*10 seconds pass*

Her: "........but you know what I don't understand, people who write such-and-such is gay!"

*Class erupts in laughter at me*

Her: "What??? Why are you all laughing? It's not funny, there's nothing wrong with being gay......"

*Class laughs even harder*

Cue my name appearing on desks and walls all over the school for the following few weeks about how gay I was and that it was ok to be gay.

emmabrighton · 02-10-2014 11:36am

One of the chatter boxes in our class was told in no uncertain terms by our science teacher "If you don't stop talking, Aoife, I'm going to shift you!"

... cue 20 minutes of uncontrollable laughter from the class.

cloud493 · 02-10-2014 11:45am

'Are ya sure college is for you, theres jobs going in McDonalds right now'

brooke 2 · 02-10-2014 11:47am

redfacedbear wrote: »

Our (nun) religion teacher used to hate people being slagged - she wanted everybody to be able to express themselves without fear of being mocked.

So she used to say to a room of 13 year old boys; 'what do we hate? - KNOCKERS.'

Getting the class to shout out 'knockers' and absolutley delighted with the enthusiasm which we responded with.

Brilliant!!!

Badly Drunk Boy · 02-10-2014 11:49am

Her name was Lola wrote: »

Leaving cert biology teacher told me Ventolin inhalers contain oxygen. No amount of telling her that they contain the chemical salbutamol could convince her. I got an A1 in Biology, despite her genius.

Aphex Twin told me that Ventolin can sometimes causes tinnitus, as it did in his case.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa-8GsMhznc

fleet_admiral · 02-10-2014 11:54am

Duggy747 wrote: »

Had a right wench of an Irish teacher. A super cúnt extraordinaire who got enjoyment in making a fool out of me. The sister had her a few years before me and used to get similar treatment from her, too.

She used to announce to the class that another friend of mine in the class, who was a tiny guy, was bullying me and tried to make me admit it in front of everyone. Even if I was being bullied I'd hardly feckin' admit it in front of the entire class.

Another time, she made us write down something from a book in silence for a few minutes when suddenly:

Her: "Do you know what, Duggy? Someone wrote something about you on one of the tables."

*Class turns and faces me*

Me: "Wh-what?"

Classmate: "What did it say, miss?"

Her: "...........I'm not saying, it's rude. Go back to your writing."

*10 seconds pass*

Her: "........but you know what I don't understand, people who write such-and-such is gay!"

*Class erupts in laughter at me*

Her: "What??? Why are you all laughing? It's not funny, there's nothing wrong with being gay......"

*Class laughs even harder*

Cue my name appearing on desks and walls all over the school for the following few weeks about how gay I was and that it was ok to be gay.

I hope you reported that bitch

Ridiculous things your teachers said in school.

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