Wanted: crew for heist (nobody gets killed)

dublinario · 09-04-2009 10:31am

henke08 wrote: »

Hey guys I just heard... there's a new rookie cop in town, looking to cut his teeth foiling a caper like this one. He graduated first in his class and plays things by the book. Fortunately for us he's been paired with a washed up old detective who stinks of cheap booze and cheaper women; a partnership so unlikely that it just can't work. In fact, they impede each other so much that their black superior has given them just 24 hours to start getting some results or he'll "have their badges AND their asses on a plate!".

I think we'll be okay provided they don't eventually gain a grudging respect for one another's methods and become a formidable crime fighting force. But that's not likely to happen, right?

They sound utterly mismatched, like chalk and cheese. I fail to see how they could find any common ground. It's experience versus naivety; rules versus results; stubble versus clean-shaven; stable family life versus messy divorce. There is just no way -- I repeat, no way -- those two will gel.

dublinario · 09-04-2009 10:31am

Confab wrote: »

I don't have a kid but I can get one. Speed adoption is a wondrous thing.

Madonna? Sorry, but we can't carry any celebs. I'll tell you the same thing I told Harvey Keitel: you bring too much heat.

Mr Benevolent · 09-04-2009 10:36am

Damn, foiled again. Ok, just me then. I'll sing a number and then someone'll shoot me.

(By the way, I apologise for nothing. Except Material Girl).

dublinario · 09-04-2009 10:40am

Confab wrote: »

Damn, foiled again. Ok, just me then. I'll sing a number and then someone'll shoot me.

(By the way, I apologise for nothing. Except Material Girl).

Mrs Madonna, we respect your synthetic brand of dated, 80s pop, and your ever-evolving fashion nous. But I'm getting photo'd every time I leave the house by the lazily concealed, grizzled, burnt out cop who torments by life. We need the paparrazi like we need another freakin mole in our outfit (at last count, I think 40% of our crew are moles) .

Mr Benevolent · 09-04-2009 10:47am

That's Ms. Madonna to you. I'm off to join the puppy-turning gang. Revenge will be swift and deadly.

weemcd · 09-04-2009 10:49am

essential viewing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1RRu1DRtXg&feature=related

mikedragon32 · 09-04-2009 10:51am

Do you need someone vaguely eastern european, maybe Russian, with a shady background?

Possibly ex KGB, possibly Stasi. Rumoured to be CIA but playing all sides.

Da?

Then I'm your Comrade man.

javaboy · 09-04-2009 10:53am

mikedragon32 wrote: »

Do you need someone vaguely eastern european, maybe Russian, with a shady background?

Possibly ex KGB, possibly Stasi. Rumoured to be CIA but playing all sides.

Da?

Then I'm your Comrade man.

Do you look like Jean Reno?

mikedragon32 · 09-04-2009 10:53am

No.

Yes.

Maybe.

henke08 · 09-04-2009 10:57am

weemcd wrote: »

essential viewing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1RRu1DRtXg&feature=related

Hey any chance we could postpone our "thing" for about 8-12 months? I'd appreciate the time to cultivate a luxurious blond ponytail too.

Sean Quagmire · 09-04-2009 11:10am

Yea I've just slashed my face with a knife and in a few short weeks i'l have that mysterious scar look.. yea, what do you think about that.

p.s I've chosen my name please, 'Drago Black' :cool:

Jet Black · 09-04-2009 11:13am

If your looking for someone to finance this op i can help you out. I smoke the fattest cigar's you can get. I've also got a place down by the dock's to train. It measure's 150x120x100. Its triangular. So we can only rob a triangular bank. I've also got to motor's. A 92 nissan micra and a 88 punto. I can cut a deal with my uncle to get us a safe house til the heat dies down. We'll be sipping margarita's in in mexico soon enough.

Walls · 09-04-2009 11:29am

Dublinario, I can be your bookish research person. I can find and locate the most obscure fact ever recorded, at any time, in any location. I can score a library and have at my fingertips connections never pieced together by any CIA analysis team. I can obtain any blueprints of any building, unrealistically stable air vents a speciality. I can wear glasses if you pay me extra, and maintain the slightly stuffy air of a librarian.

I also have the ancillary skill of obtaining any piece of information in any office enviroment, no matter how untidy a space it is, and can access financial information of such quality it would make the Revenue cry with joy. So am I in?

Sean Quagmire · 09-04-2009 11:37am

Walls can you render 3d video images of the safe room in the banks? you can use the higly classified blueprints that you find through hacking the president of the banks computer.

You will never be asked how you achieved these impossible results.

Hrududu · 09-04-2009 11:47am

I'm very interested in joining your crew. I think I'd suit the position because I'm very punctual, I'm great at doing heists, and I intend to endear myself to your leader. You know, become his right hand in all this. We'll bond over drunken football games on a firelit beach. I know the rest of you will get jealous but really, I'm not here to usurp you. You'll wonder why I, a latecomer to all this can get so high up in the gang. Well don't. I'm merely a young hotshot who used to have a promising career in the GAA before injury took me out. Then there were a number of years where I did random things. I'll never really go into what I did during this time, I didn't join the police force or anything. I'll just keep it vague. But you won't go into this because Dublinario will tell you to shut up anytime you question me.

I'm really looking forward to this. Can you give me an idea of where and when all this is going down? I just like to prepare, no other reason.

Walls · 09-04-2009 11:57am

Sean Quagmire wrote: »

Walls can you render 3d video images of the safe room in the banks? you can use the higly classified blueprints that you find through hacking the president of the banks computer.

You will never be asked how you achieved these impossible results.

Not only that, I can create holographic images that will allow the crew to walk through the environment. Again, ask me no questions.

Sean Quagmire · 09-04-2009 12:10pm

Hrududu wrote: »

I'm very interested in joining your crew. I think I'd suit the position because I'm very punctual, I'm great at doing heists, and I intend to endear myself to your leader. You know, become his right hand in all this. We'll bond over drunken football games on a firelit beach. I know the rest of you will get jealous but really, I'm not here to usurp you. You'll wonder why I, a latecomer to all this can get so high up in the gang. Well don't. I'm merely a young hotshot who used to have a promising career in the GAA before injury took me out. Then there were a number of years where I did random things. I'll never really go into what I did during this time, I didn't join the police force or anything. I'll just keep it vague. But you won't go into this because Dublinario will tell you to shut up anytime you question me.

I'm really looking forward to this. Can you give me an idea of where and when all this is going down? I just like to prepare, no other reason.

Stay away, you'll wreck everything you bastard.

Dublinario - 'face'
Sean Quagmire - 'Drago Black'
Walls - 'Mr.Brown'

thats the crew

Blazer · 09-04-2009 12:30pm

Hey can I join...I can be the psychotic member who decides to start shooting people in the bank for no reason much like Reservoir Dogs.
I can then take a security guard hostage and process to cut off his ear while dancing to "Stuck in the middle with you".
I'll then turn out to be the hero when I discover that one of you is a pig but unfortunately for me I'm shot by said pig and die...:o
Tell my mammy I love her

zuroph · 09-04-2009 12:32pm

NOBODY GETS KILLED!

Saint_Mel · 09-04-2009 12:35pm

zuroph wrote: »

NOBODY GETS KILLED!

Loosly translated means "EVERYBODY GETS KILLED"

Count me out!

dublinario · 09-04-2009 12:39pm

I just met with my inside man, and everything is go for Sunday week. I admit, I was looking at a tight crew of 4 to 5 people, but somehow our ranks have now swollen to 50 or 60: 6 token black guys, 16 moles, 4 stooges, 9 patsies, 2 narks, 3 bookish assistants, 12 Eastern Europeans, 5 get away drivers, 8 bullet-fodders, 6 civilian-butchering psychos, 3 nerds, 2 weapons experts, and 12 people with whom I have "history".

The crew is now a very fragile, delicately-poised eco-system. Nobody make any sudden movements. If somebody even steps on some bubble-wrap, I can see guns being drawn and everybody dying in a confused crossfire.

Mr Benevolent · 09-04-2009 12:39pm

Wait, wait.. he meant no civilians can be killed. The rest of the team is fair game for fish-in-a-barrell fun. That's why I bowed out earlier.

dublinario · 09-04-2009 12:41pm

Confab wrote: »

Wait, wait.. he meant no civilians can be killed. The rest of the team is fair game for fish-in-a-barrell fun. That's why I bowed out earlier.

Nobody gets killed, period. Now, whether that pans out on the day, or whether dozens and dozens are people are slaughtered amidst a bungled plan, is in the lap of the Gods.

Blazer · 09-04-2009 12:43pm

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

Hey can I join...I can be the psychotic member who decides to start shooting people in the bank for no reason much like Reservoir Dogs.
I can then take a security guard hostage and process to cut off his ear while dancing to "Stuck in the middle with you".
I'll then turn out to be the hero when I discover that one of you is a pig but unfortunately for me I'm shot by said pig and die...:o
Tell my mammy I love her

Am I in?
I'll promise I'd be good

dublinario · 09-04-2009 12:50pm

Mathew Reilly wrote: »

Am I in? I'll promise I'd be good

Ordinarily I'd insist that all psychos undergo a thorough psychological evaluation to ensure that they're less likely than usual to kill a hysterical, female bank clerk. We simply don't have time though. I'm going to trust you Mathew. I'm going to trust you to check your unquenchable, murderous disdain for humanity at the bank door. Can you do that for me?

Indie18 · 09-04-2009 12:58pm

I want in, I am a very good mole hunter they would be out of your crew in 5 minutes once I'm involved, I thought Bill Murray the ins and outs of this for his role in caddyshack, I know they where gophers but he principles are the same.

I also have complete disregard for my own life and would be willing to take myself out to do away with any ninja/vigilante super heroes who would try to stop us (last resort of course).

dublinario · 09-04-2009 1:02pm

Indie18 wrote: »

I want in, I am a very good mole hunter they would be out of your crew in 5 minutes once I'm involved, I thought Bill Murray the ins and outs of this for his role in caddyshack, I know they where gophers but he principles are the same.

I also have complete disregard for my own life and would be willing to take myself out to do away with any ninja/vigilante super heroes who would try to stop us (last resort of course).

Moles are a fact of life Indie. I don't even take it personally any more. Three of my last four best friends turned out to be highly decorated, undercover cops. I still send them Christmas cards to this day. Naturally I include a bullet in the envelope, because you can't be too soft on molery.

Sean Quagmire · 09-04-2009 1:08pm

dublinario wrote: »

I just met with my inside man, and everything is go for Sunday week.

Theres a lot of heat on you man, get it sorted or your out!

dublinario · 09-04-2009 1:12pm

Sean Quagmire wrote: »

Theres a lot of heat on you man, get it sorted or your out!

Don't talk to me about heat. I used to live in Belgium, and I had a wife and sixteen kids. One day I felt the heat was on, got a taxi to the airport, and haven't contacted them since. That was 12 years ago. To be honest, I wasn't even a criminal back then, so I'm starting to wonder what kind of heat I thought I was feeling.

Hrududu · 09-04-2009 1:12pm

Indie18 wrote: »

I want in, I am a very good mole hunter they would be out of your crew in 5 minutes once I'm involved, I thought Bill Murray the ins and outs of this for his role in caddyshack, I know they where gophers but he principles are the same.

I also have complete disregard for my own life and would be willing to take myself out to do away with any ninja/vigilante super heroes who would try to stop us (last resort of course).

I don't like the cut of your jib. You stay away from this job.

dublinario · 09-04-2009 1:15pm

Hrududu wrote: »

I don't like the cut of your jib. You stay away from this job.

You're both out. I smelled mole off both of you from the start. Granted, you both work at the gerbil and mole sanctuary, but that's just a smokescreen for your more sinister molery. I'm never wrong about these things (actual ratio: 52% right, 48% wrong).

zuroph · 09-04-2009 1:25pm

The bank will be closed on a Sunday?! Slow news day.

Sean Quagmire · 09-04-2009 1:30pm

zuroph wrote: »

The bank will be closed on a Sunday?! Slow news day.

Yes the bank is closed on the day of the heist, did you read the paper clip? We will take hostage the 60 painters employed to paint the vault. We will steal there clothes and gain access to the money and take it out in black bags. After its done we will release the painters from the warehouse 5miles away.

by the way, if Dublinario goes down im #1

dublinario · 09-04-2009 1:31pm

zuroph wrote: »

The bank will be closed on a Sunday?!

That particular "gotcha" has scuppered more of my capers than I'd care to say. I'm so sick of turning up, locked and loaded on a Saturday, Sunday or Bank Holiday Monday. It's embarrassing more than anything else.

dublinario · 09-04-2009 1:33pm

Sean Quagmire wrote: »

by the way, if Dublinario goes down im #1

Being number #1 is a curse, old friend (and inevitable double-crosser). You'll find out soon enough, that heavy lies the crown. Plus, the sheer paperwork involved is a nightmare. P45s, P60s, etc etc.

zuroph · 09-04-2009 1:34pm

Sean Quagmire wrote: »

Yes the bank is closed on the day of the heist, did you read the paper clip? We will take hostage the 60 painters employed to paint the vault. We will steal there clothes and gain access to the money and take it out in black bags. After its done we will release the painters from the warehouse 5miles away.

by the way, if Dublinario goes down im #1

Can we get this guy removed from the crew/eco system for posting the "plan" on a public forum?

btw, thats not the plan.

smok · 09-04-2009 1:37pm

dublinario wrote: »

I'm putting together a crew for a particularly dangerous heist. The risks are high, but the rewards are worth it. For me, this will be my last job before retirement. I want to settle down with my sweetheart, maybe buy a house with a porch, a nice white picket fence, raise a family.

Anybody who comes in on this, does so on the condition that nobody gets killed. Plus, know that there's a tough, unorthodox, loose cannon detective all over me like a cheap suit. It's personal (I killed his partner, and accidentally killed his young son), and although he's been stripped of his badge and piece, he seems to be working the case now in his own time. I'm no psychiatrist, but from my dealings with him, I'd say he lives life firmly on the edge. I just thought I should make all the facts available.

Any takers?

Get with the modern era you idiot. I got no time for your old school approach. If you really want to take the scumbag fat-cats to the cleaners all you gotta do is upload a virus to the mainframe and shave tiny tiny fractions off each transaction. The banks will never notice the money is missing coz they doing rounding off sh1t.

The only thing that can stop us is if I have ludicrously under-calculated the amount transferred to my account raising alerts within the bank - but I am going to assume that wont happen.

So I am putting together a small team of ex-navy seals to penetrate the infallible security of the mainframe building. WHOS WITH ME????

Sean Quagmire · 09-04-2009 1:38pm

zuroph wrote: »

Can we get this guy removed from the crew/eco system for posting the "plan" on a public forum?

btw, thats not the plan.

right, your out

zuroph · 09-04-2009 1:44pm

Oh Im not out. A dublinario KNOWS he needs me on his side, and not against him.

Walls · 09-04-2009 1:52pm

dublinario wrote: »

Being number #1 is a curse, old friend (and inevitable double-crosser). You'll find out soon enough, that heavy lies the crown. Plus, the sheer paperwork involved is a nightmare. P45s, P60s, etc etc.

By the way you need to sign this expense form....

Sofiztikated · 09-04-2009 1:56pm

I'm just a regular joe beat cop, but i overheard someone talking about something somewhere, i was talking to my Downs Syndrome wife and kid on the phone. I told my Chief about it, but he told me to get back on the street. I'm not giving up until i put you's away, even if it wasn't this that i overheard.

Indie18 · 09-04-2009 1:57pm

dublinario wrote: »

You're both out. I smelled mole off both of you from the start. Granted, you both work at the gerbil and mole sanctuary, but that's just a smokescreen for your more sinister molery. I'm never wrong about these things (actual ratio: 52% right, 48% wrong).

Fine I didn't want in anyway!........ Fyi dublinario, some scruffy looking guy with a picture of his wife and kid was asking if I knew where I could find you. I just pointed him in this general, I'm sure it was nothing though.

dublinario · 09-04-2009 2:01pm

smok wrote: »

Get with the modern era you idiot. I got no time for your old school approach. If you really want to take the scumbag fat-cats to the cleaners all you gotta do is upload a virus to the mainframe and shave tiny tiny fractions off each transaction. The banks will never notice the money is missing coz they doing rounding off sh1t.

The only thing that can stop us is if I have ludicrously under-calculated the amount transferred to my account raising alerts within the bank - but I am going to assume that wont happen.

So I am putting together a small team of ex-navy seals to penetrate the infallible security of the mainframe building. WHOS WITH ME????

You young punks can have this grimy world after I'm done with this, my last score. I doubt there's any reasons that will crop-up afterwards that will "pull me back in". My daughter's health problems seem to have subsided for good, and my debts to the crime boss Mendoza have subsided sufficiently for me to gamble large quantities of money on a high-stakes, highly-illegal poker game next month. Yep, I'll be out for good.

Blazer · 09-04-2009 2:03pm

dublinario wrote: »

Ordinarily I'd insist that all psychos undergo a thorough psychological evaluation to ensure that they're less likely than usual to kill a hysterical, female bank clerk. We simply don't have time though. I'm going to trust you Mathew. I'm going to trust you to check your unquenchable, murderous disdain for humanity at the bank door. Can you do that for me?

Of course I can :cool:

....pats pockets..extra bullets--check, knife for slicing ears--check.

Hrududu · 09-04-2009 2:08pm

dublinario wrote: »

You're both out. I smelled mole off both of you from the start. Granted, you both work at the gerbil and mole sanctuary, but that's just a smokescreen for your more sinister molery. I'm never wrong about these things (actual ratio: 52% right, 48% wrong).

Damnit, the boss will have my badge for this.... is what I'd say if I was a mole. Which I'm not. I demand to be let back in.

dublinario · 09-04-2009 2:13pm

Hrududu wrote: »

Damnit, the boss will have my badge for this.... is what I'd say if I was a mole. Which I'm not. I demand to be let back in.

Wait a minute, what was the first thing you said?

Indie18 · 09-04-2009 2:17pm

dublinario wrote: »

Wait a minute, what was the first thing you said?

He said, thats a nice tie.

dublinario · 09-04-2009 2:23pm

Indie18 wrote: »

He said, thats a nice tie.

Why thanks. My ex-wife got me this, shortly before she took away my daughter and never let me see her again. Prior to that, life was good. We used to holiday in....wait a minute. I'm not wearing a tie.

Ross_Mahon · 09-04-2009 2:28pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKO-IeIRmQs&feature=related

I'm being De Niro! :cool:

dublinario · 09-04-2009 2:32pm

Ross_Mahon wrote: »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKO-IeIRmQs&feature=related

I'm being De Niro! :cool:

You're out. If we wanted Robert DeNiro, we'd get Al Pacino. But they're actors, and this is legit.

Wanted: crew for heist (nobody gets killed)

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