Wanted: crew for heist (nobody gets killed)

dublinario

I'm putting together a crew for a particularly dangerous heist. The risks are high, but the rewards are worth it. For me, this will be my last job before retirement. I want to settle down with my sweetheart, maybe buy a house with a porch, a nice white picket fence, raise a family.

Anybody who comes in on this, does so on the condition that nobody gets killed. Plus, know that there's a tough, unorthodox, loose cannon detective all over me like a cheap suit. It's personal (I killed his partner, and accidentally killed his young son), and although he's been stripped of his badge and piece, he seems to be working the case now in his own time. I'm no psychiatrist, but from my dealings with him, I'd say he lives life firmly on the edge. I just thought I should make all the facts available.

Any takers?

giggsy664

Ja

arse..biscuits

Will there be a black guy on the crew to say "Dammmmnnnnn" every now and again

dublinario

giggsy664 wrote: »

Ja

You've got balls. I'll give you that. But can you restrain yourself from killing a civilian when the chips are down? I don't see much evidence of that in your demeanour.

zuroph

Im in. I may have a history with your girlfriend though.

Random

Can we provide our own gun?

dublinario

arse..biscuits wrote: »

Will there be a black guy on the crew to say "Dammmmnnnnn" every now and again

Yeah, Leroy's in. Best damn getaway man I ever worked with. He's also been shot in every single caper we've ever pulled, but somehow pulls through. Man's got more lives than a cat.

dublinario

zuroph wrote: »

Im in. I may have a history with your girlfriend though.

Can't see that causing too many problems when the stress amps up. I am violently jealous, but business is business.

dublinario

Random wrote: »

Can we provide our own gun?

Once you're not one of those crazy cats who brings a gun that would stop a tank in its tracks. Bring something practical. M16 at the very -- and I do mean 'very' -- most.

giggsy664

dublinario wrote: »

You've got balls. I'll give you that. But can you restrain yourself from killing a civilian when the chips are down? I don't see much evidence of that in your demeanour.

Ja. Das ist true

Und ich nein das Nazi

Blush_01

Gun? Did someone say gun? I'm in! (Plus I make a mean chocolate brownie - crews need energy.)

zuroph

dublinario wrote: »

Can't see that causing too many problems when the stress amps up. I am violently jealous, but business is business.

Cool. Its business.. its business time.

tony1kenobi

dublinario wrote: »

I'm thinking of putting together a crew for a particularly dangerous heist. The risks are high, but the rewards are worth it. For me, this will be my last job before retirement. I want to settle down with my sweetheart, maybe buy a house with a porch, a nice white picket fence, raise a family.Any takers?

The above means it is inevitable you will die in the last act....

Leroy is black so that poor fcuker won't make it to the end of the job....

A crew is traditionally made up of 4 to six people....that leaves me a 25% chance of taking the lot......if you take on the loose cannon it bumps up my chances to 33% because that crazy asshole will shoot himself.

Count me in.

Yes, I will shoot a civilian to get to a cop.

dublinario

Blush_01 wrote: »

Gun? Did someone say gun? I'm in! (Plus I make a mean chocolate brownie - crews need energy.)

Every crew needs a full-time chef. You're in. Just make sure not to make anything with too much saturated fat. Also, learn to use a bazooka.

giggsy664

dublinario wrote: »

Once you're not one of those crazy cats who brings a gun that would stop a tank in its tracks. Bring something practical. M16 at the very -- and I do mean 'very' -- most.

Das ist gut, nein?

dublinario

zuroph wrote: »

Cool. Its business.. its business time.

I will dispassionately overlook the fact that you ultimately beat and tried to rape her, because that is personal, and this is business.

dublinario

tony1kenobi wrote: »

The above means it is inevitable you will die in the last act....

Leroy is black so that poor fcuker won't make it to the end of the job....

A crew is traditionally made up of 4 to six people....that leaves me a 25% chance of taking the lot......if you take on the loose cannon it bumps up my chances to 33% because that crazy asshole will shoot himself.

Count me in.

Yes, I will shoot a civilian to get to a cop.

The only treacherous dog I can tolerate, is an honest treacherous dog. You're in. After the heist, I will entrust you with the suitcase while I go and finish my unfinished business with the loose cannon cop. So long as you don't abscond with the money -- which I'm trusting you not to do -- everything will be fine.

FearDark

Count me in, I'll be the getaway driver with a big black BMW with tinted windows, have to be inconspicious.

Blush_01

dublinario wrote: »

Every crew needs a full-time chef. You're in. Just make sure not to make anything with too much saturated fat. Also, learn to use a bazooka.

Done and done, sir!

Might I suggest a secret weapon?

dublinario

I don't suppose your Asian, are you? We're trying to spread the ethnicity around. It would really help if you were Asian, or perhaps from the Pacific islands? If not, would you be prepared to 'minstrel up'?

Thrill

Only if I can be mister blue. No, if I have to be mister pink.

dublinario

Blush_01 wrote: »

Might I suggest a secret weapon?

It's not a laser beam, is it? Because I'm old-school.

tony1kenobi

dublinario wrote: »

The only treacherous dog I can tolerate, is an honest treacherous dog. You're in. After the heist, I will entrust you with the suitcase while I go and finish my unfinished business with the loose cannon cop. So long as you don't abscond with the money -- which I'm trusting you not to do -- everything will be fine.

Cool....as long as I can use the catchphrase "fcuking jackpot baby".....and you must not laugh when I say it in an American accent...maybe while smoking a fat la-di-da.

giggsy664

Ist das guht? Ich heise das nein patient

dublinario

Thrill wrote: »

Only if I can be mister blue. No way will I be mister pink.

We will all have girls names. I'm Missy, you're Jessica, Leroy is Marianne (etc etc).

dublinario

tony1kenobi wrote: »

Cool....as long as I can use the catchphrase "fcuking jackpot baby".....and you must not laugh when I say it in an American accent...maybe while smoking a fat la-di-da.

Catchphrases will be assigned before the heist, and nobody will deviate from script. For example, when I plant a knife into the bank manager's shirt, pinning him to his office door, I will say "stick around". I will not say "get the point", or "not too sharp, are you?" I will not improvise. I will stick to the script, like all of us. "Stick around". End of story. It's when people start improvising that things go nasty.

That said, people can suggest catchphrases in advance.

dublinario

giggsy664 wrote: »

Ist das guht? Ich heise das nein patient

We'll need you for getting into and out of Berlin. That's not where the heist is, but I just have to visit my grandmother on the way.

zuroph

dublinario wrote: »

I will dispassionately overlook the fact that you ultimately beat and tried to rape her, because that is personal, and this is business.

That what she told you? oh that girl . Still keeps her secrets well I see.

dublinario

zuroph wrote: »

That what she told you? oh that girl . Still keeps her secrets well I see.

(breathe...business is business, business is business...breathe...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

Fine.

dyl10

Dublinario, we've got unfinished business.
If I don't get my pay off from the last heist I'll turn your world upside down. I'll bring this goal crumbling down around you while you writhe in agony lying on that cold cell floor, ruing the day you came in contact with me.

Put up, pay up and shut up

giggsy664

I have learned gooder english and I am, how you say, ready to join.

And I have winning the german national gambling company and I now have silver gun



And I got, how you say, my hair cut

dublinario

dyl10 wrote: »

Dublinario, we've got unfinished business.
If I don't get my pay off from the last heist I'll turn your world upside down. I'll bring this goal crumbling down around you while you writhe in agony lying on that cold cell floor, ruing the day you came in contact with me.

Put up, pay up and shut up

Let's put aside our beef, the fact we clearly despise each other, our mistrust, and work together on this heist. Despite our history of double, treble, and in some cases, quadruple-crossing, I believe we can act professionally and deliver on this job.

Saibh

Where is this ex-detective now?

Are you not afraid he is reading this thread?

Or maybe one of the other posters could be him pretending to help you but all along planning your downfall...

syklops

Is this for real or just an after hours joke?

OP, if its for real PM me.

dublinario

Saibh wrote: »

Where is this ex-detective now?

Last I heard, he was drunk out of his mind, crashed out below deck on his boat (on which he lives since his ex-wife took his house), pawing a cracked photo of his dead son and dead partner, holding a pistol in his hand with a single bullet in an unknown chamber.

I further believe that he occasionally spins the barrel of the gun, puts it to his temple, and pulls the trigger. Thus far, the one in six odds of him dying have not worked against him.

dublinario

syklops wrote: »

Is this for real or just an after hours joke?

Depends. Are you with the feds? Now I've asked, if you lie and say 'no', then anything further I tell you cannot see me arrested, because that would be entrapment. I know my rights, pig.

giggsy664

dublinario wrote: »

Last I heard, he was drunk out of his mind, crashed out below deck on his boat (on which he lives since his ex-wife took his house), pawing a cracked photo of his dead son and dead partner, holding a pistol in his hand with a single bullet in an unknown chamber.

I further believe that he occasionally spins the barrel of the gun, puts it to his temple, and pulls the trigger. Thus far, the one in six odds of him dying have not worked against him.

I more like to playing this russian roulette with the semi auto pistol

dublinario

giggsy664 wrote: »

I more like to playing this russian roulette with the semi auto pistol

I did porridge with a guy who played Russian roulette with a cast-iron spatula. Messy, messy business...

tony1kenobi

dublinario wrote: »

Catchphrases will be assigned before the heist, and nobody will deviate from script. For example, when I plant a knife into the bank manager's shirt, pinning him to his office door, I will say "stick around". I will not say "get the point", or "not too sharp, are you?" I will not improvise. I will stick to the script, like all of us. "Stick around". End of story. It's when people start improvising that things go nasty.

That said, people can suggest catchphrases in advance.

So will you take my catchphrase suggestion on board or are you placating me so I will take the job, then hitting me with a load of terms I would never have initially agreed to?

Come to think of it is this Union backed?

I feel like I really haven't asked the right questions at first point of contact.

Although I liked your stab quotes.....i am getting a hard on for this job.

kwestfan08

Instead of a crew can we call ourselves a team, possibly even an A team?

dublinario

kwestfan08 wrote: »

Instead of a crew can we call ourselves a team, possibly even an A team?

The crew is called the Pink Snuggle Bears. It is deliberately named to lull our enemies into a false sense of security. That said, I want every member to be proud to call himself a Pink Snuggle Bear. Tattoos of the same name are encouraged, but not mandatory.

dublinario

tony1kenobi wrote: »

So will you take my catchphrase suggestion on board or are you placating me so I will take the job, then hitting me with a load of terms I would never have initially agreed to?

Come to think of it is this Union backed?

I feel like I really haven't asked the right questions at first point of contact.

Although I liked your stab quotes.....i am getting a hard on for this job.

Yes, we are unionised. Last week, instead of robbing an AIB, we instigated a picket line outside, in support of a North side crew whose leader was not divvying up the spoils fairly. Halfway through the day, some other crew came marching past us and robbed the joint. Feckin scabs.

banquo

Thread of the year.

Also, less German and more stealing.

kwestfan08

dublinario wrote: »

The crew is called the Pink Snuggle Bears. It is deliberately named to lull our enemies into a false sense of security. That said, I want every member to be proud to call himself a Pink Snuggle Bear. Tattoos of the same name are encouraged, but not mandatory.

Great plan dublinario. I'll have mine straight across my forehead just to lull them even further :pac:

pwd

Here's a funny thing that happened me. He asked me if I ever done armed
robbery before. I read him my
credits. I robbed a few gas and
sips, sold some weed, told him
recently I held the shotgun while
me and another guy pulled down a
poker game in Portland.
...this was during the Los Angeles
marijuana drought of '86. I still
had a connection. Which was
insane, 'cause you couldn't get
weed any****inwhere then. Anyway,
I had a connection with this
hippie chick up in Santa Cruz.
All and my friends knew it. And
they'd give me a call and say,
"Hey, Freddy, you buyin some, you
think you could buy me some too?"
They knew I smoked, so they'd ask
me to buy a little for them when I
was buyin. But it got to be
everytime I bought some weed, I
was buyin for four or five
different people. Finally I said,
"**** this ****." I'm makin this
bitch rich. She didn't have to do
jack ****, she never even had to
meet these people. I was ****in
doin all the work. So I got
together with her and told her,
"Hey, I'm sick of this ****. I'm
comin through for everybody, and
nobody's comin through for me.
So, either I'm gonna tell all my
friends to find their own source,
or you give me a bunch of weed,
I'll sell it to them, give you the
money, minus ten percent, and I
get my pot for free." So, I did
if for awhile...
but then that got to be a pain
in the ass. People called me on
the phone all the ****in time. I
couldn't rent a ****in tape
without six phone calls
interrupting me. "Hey, Freddy,
when's the next time you're gettin
some?" "Mother****er, I'm tryin
to watch 'Lost Boys'-- when I have
some, I'll let you know." And
then these rinky-dink pot heads
come by--there's my friends and
everything, but still. I got all
my **** laid out in sixty dollar
bags. Well, they don't want sixty
dollars worth. They want ten
dollars worth. Breaking it up is
a major ****in pain in the ass. I
don't even know how much ten
dollars worth is. "Well, ****,
man, I don't want that much
around. If I have that much
around I'll smoke it." "Hey, if
you guys can't control your
smokin, that's not my problem.
You mother****ers been smokin for
five years, be a adult about it."
Finally I just told my connection,
count me out. But as it turns
out, I'm the best guy she had, and
she depended alot on my business.
But I was still sick to death of
it. And she's trying to talk me
into not quitin.
Now this was a very weird
situation, 'cause I don't know if
you remember back in '86, there
was a major ****in drought.
Nobody and anything. People were
livin on resin and smokin the wood
in their pipes for months. And
this chick had a bunch, and was
beggin me to sell it. So I told
her I wasn't gonna be Joe the Pot
Man anymore. But I would take a
little bit and sell it to my
close, close, close friends. She
agreed to that, and said we'd keep
the same arrangement as before,
ten percent and free pot for me,
as long as I helped her out that
weekend. She had a brick of weed
she was sellin, and she didn't
want to go to the buy alone...


Traffic tickets gone to warrant.
They stopped him for something,
found the warrants on 'im, took
'im to jail. She doesn't want to
walk around alone with all that
weed. Well, I don't wanna do
this, I have a bad feeling about
it, but she keeps askin me, keeps
askin me, finally I said okay
'cause I'm sick of listening to
it. Well, we're picking this guy
up at the train station.
So we
get to the train station, and
we're waitin for the guy. Now I'm
carrying the weed in one of those
carry-on bags, and I gotta take a
piss. So I tell the connection
I'll be right back, I'm goin' to
the little boys room...

So I walk into the men's room,
and who's standing there?

...six Los Angeles County Sheriffs
and a German Shepherd.

No. They were just a bunch of
cops hangin out in the men's room,
talkin. When I walked through the
door they all stopped what they
were talking about and looked at
me.

The German Shepherd starts
barkin'. He's barkin' at me. I
mean it's obvious he's barkin' at
me.
Every nerve ending, all of my
senses, the blood in my veins,
everything I has was screaming,
"Take off, man, just take off, get
the **** outta there!" Panic hit
me like a bucket of water. First
there was the shock of it--BAM,
right in the face! Then I'm just
standin there drenched in panic.

And all those sheriffs are lookin
at me and they know. They can
smell it. As sure as that ****in
dog cam, they can smell it on me.

so am i in yeah?

dublinario

kwestfan08 wrote: »

Great plan dublinario. I'll have mine straight across my forehead just to lull them even further :pac:

I like your verve. You've just promoted yourself up the crew ranks. Do me a favour: don't buy a boat called 'The Live Forever', or talk endlessly about your beloved wife and daughter. I might need you for future jobs (despite this being my last job before retirement).

masonman

If theres a sufficient hole in your plot, I could happily fill it with having access to Ireland's Largest pinch, currently housed at some sort of research facility that I haven't bothered to make up yet.

It will fit in under the seat of a piaggio 50cc/or similar sized moped and once turned it will cut power to at least three lighbulbs.

I can throw in a dodgy English accent for free (ala Basher in Ocean's eleven) just for my own sh1ts and giggles

"It will be nice to work with proper villians again"

stabmasterarson

Is the position of computer hacker/ expendable geek taken? ''IM ALMOST IN!!!!'' etc..

dublinario

masonman wrote: »

If theres a sufficient hole in your plot, I could happily fill it with having access to Ireland's Largest pinch, currently housed at some sort of research facility that I haven't bothered to make up yet.

It will fit in under the seat of a piaggio 50cc/or similar sized moped and once turned it will cut power to at least three lighbulbs.

I can throw in a dodgy English accent for free (ala Basher in Ocean's eleven) just for my own sh1ts and giggles

"It will be nice to work with proper villians again"

You're in. I'm going to need a whole raft of implausible equipment, and I'll need it yesterday e.g. a hand-held device for turning traffic lights from green to red, a laptop that can hack CIA and FBI mainframes, night-vision goggles that can also see in heat spectrums (ala Predator), a car with a nitro boost (ala Mad Max), and the 'telepods' from The Fly. I'm counting on you buddy.

dublinario

stabmasterarson wrote: »

Is the position of computer hacker/ expendable geek taken? ''IM ALMOST IN!!!!'' etc..

Welcome aboard. Do you wear glasses? If not, we'll supply you with a fake pair of lens-less frames. If you don't already have it, you'll need to cultivate an awkwardness and a sarkiness. Also, I need to be frank and tell you that you almost certainly will get killed. If it's any consolation (and I don't know why it would be), it won't be the cops that get you, but one of the sixty or seventy potential double-crossers who have posted in this thread.

giggsy664

banquo wrote: »

Thread of the year.

Also, less German and more stealing.

Das ist das outrage.

Fįck ju. Fįck ju all!!