Loneliness and singledom

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 4:45pm #1

Thought I’d start a nice cheery one as it’s Friday; I may have posted about this before.

I’m recently single from what was essentially quite a casual relationship and it’s hit me hard.

We weren’t serious but we had been spending quite a bit of time together, and I feel quite lonely since.

It’s in quite a broad sense too - it’s not just about missing him. I spent a lot of my 20s living abroad and my friends are spread out all over the world. That can be amazing in some ways (I’m never short of an exotic holiday destination when the opportunity comes up) but it can mean sometimes I look at my life in Dublin and think “Where are all my friends?”

I’m in my early 30s so a lot of the friends I do have are in long-term relationships or have kids, and since I don’t drink alcohol I’m rarely out on mad nights out. I have hobbies that I’ve made acquaintances and broadened my social circle through, but it hasn’t led to any close friendships yet - most of those are still abroad and largely conducted through WhatsApp.

I’ve read that there’s an epidemic of loneliness amongst my generation and I certainly feel it a lot. I spend a lot of time by myself (I work from home). I can’t help but feel that if I had an OH a lot of the friendship stuff would bother me a little less.

Anyone else in the same boat? Any advice?

I know this could easily go in PI but if mods are okay with it I’d rather see a more general discussion as you can have here.

is_that_so · 07-02-2020 4:47pm

Meetup groups?

SSr0 · 07-02-2020 4:48pm

I think I have some info that could help your situation. PM me for details.

07-02-2020 4:51pm

Mid thirties and in exactly the same position. Actually I've been invited out for a drink tonight by a guy in work. It'll be my first time socialising with anyone from work bar the Christmas party since I joined the company 6 months ago.

Everyone else is married or coupled up, many with kids and so socializing isn't a priority for them any more.

I'll go home this evening and probably not interact with another human in real life until Monday morning back in the office.

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 4:51pm

SSr0 wrote: »

I think I have some info that could help your situation. PM me for details.

Very scared this is going to be a dick pic.

SSr0 · 07-02-2020 4:52pm

KiKi III wrote: »

Very scared this is going to be a dick pic.

100% guarantee of no dick pics, ever.

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 4:52pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Mid thirties and in exactly the same position. Actually I've been invited out for a drink tonight by a guy in work. It'll be my first time socialising with anyone from work bar the Christmas party since I joined the company 6 months ago.

Everyone else is married or coupled up, many with kids and so socializing isn't a priority for them any more.

I'll go home this evening and probably not interact with another human in real life until Monday morning back in the office.

It’s depressing isn’t it? I’m heading home to vote and I’m actually relieved that I don’t have to have the “What are you doing for the weekend?” chat with my housemate because it’s embarrassing saying “Nothing much” again...

07-02-2020 4:53pm

KiKi III wrote: »

It’s depressing isn’t it? I’m heading home to vote and I’m actually relieved that I don’t have to have the “What are you doing for the weekend?” chat with my housemate because it’s embarrassing saying “Nothing much” again...

I actually have some plans of stuff to do, just not with other people involved.

Raconteuse · 07-02-2020 4:53pm

Book club. Cinema club. Podcast club.

I've friends in relationships with children who can feel lonely too because they can't get out much and their husbands are working long hours. I know it's not the same but isolation is isolation. They all do the above - I'm involved as well - and find it brilliant. Made a great new friend and meeting more.

EmmetSpiceland · 07-02-2020 4:54pm

Raconteuse wrote: »

Book club.

They always pick such terrible books though. Always.

Signore Fancy Pants · 07-02-2020 4:54pm

Raconteuse wrote: »

Fook club.

Where's this then?

I'm in.

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 4:55pm

Raconteuse wrote: »

Book club.

This is actually a very good shout as I love reading. My past experience tells me it’s a place I’ll meet other slightly older women and not men, but that’s not the worst thing in the world.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 07-02-2020 4:58pm

KiKi III wrote: »

I’m in my early 30s so a lot of the friends I do have are in long-term relationships or have kids, and since I don’t drink alcohol I’m rarely out on mad nights out. I have hobbies that I’ve made acquaintances and broadened my social circle through, but it hasn’t led to any close friendships yet - most of those are still abroad and largely conducted through WhatsApp.

I'm curious, how would you feel your friends who are coupled up could do more, or how would you feel if they invited you along to things with them?

I'm the same age as you and I have a few friends who I suspect are in a similar boat, but I don't want to be that asshole in a LTR who assumes single=lonely, and I'm not sure if it would be a bit counterproductive inviting someone along to spend the day with a couple.

I do try make the effort to WhatsApp them and stuff but as you say that's not a proper replacement.

07-02-2020 5:00pm

Most of my friends are coupling up or away off or all about their drink/drugs. Leaves poor, single, sober me a bit out in the cold. :pac:
For now I just try to enjoy the stuff I can do on my own. There's a constant gnawing though that it's all gonna crash on me at some point though. :pac:

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 5:02pm

Asher Tall Tablespoon wrote: »

I'm curious, how would you feel your friends who are coupled up could do more, or how would you feel if they invited you along to things with them?

I'm the same age as you and I have a few friends who I suspect are in a similar boat, but I don't want to be that asshole in a LTR who assumes single=lonely, and I'm not sure if it would be a bit counterproductive inviting someone along to spend the day with a couple.

I do try make the effort to WhatsApp them and stuff but as you say that's not a proper replacement.

My friends in LTRs are actually generally great. They’re settled down and I can’t fault them that - we do a lot of coffees/ lunches/ nights in.

I do wish we could have more girls’ nights out with the lads where my chances of meeting someone would be better. They also don’t tend to take my chances of meeting someone into account in choosing venues.

I have four good friends from home who are two couples. They are closer to each other than I am to them but when they do things like “couples weekends away” that hurts my feelings quite a lot. But I get it.

EmmetSpiceland · 07-02-2020 5:04pm

KiKi III wrote: »

This is actually a very good shout as I love reading. My past experience tells me it’s a place I’ll meet other slightly older women and not men, but that’s not the worst thing in the world.

There’s “mixed” ones out there. Film clubs too.

victor8600 · 07-02-2020 5:07pm

Signore Fancy Pants wrote: »

Where's this then?

I'm in.

Are you serious? Do you want me to send you a link for one in Dublin?

victor8600 · 07-02-2020 5:10pm

Unfortunately, it is generally more difficult to get new friends after 30, for all the reasons you already know (people are in LTRs, jobs and kids take all the time, people get into a routine which excludes new people).

How about Tinder and dating online in general? You may find someone interesting, may be even a friend?

Church on Tuesday · 07-02-2020 5:12pm

Yup I can identify with this. All my mates are paired off and some are even married now. They do their own thing naturally enough.

I've always been fairly comfortable being by myself TBF and I wouldn't let it stop me doing things like going to gigs or just out for a couple pints, you'd be surprised who you get talking to that way.

Cliché I know but really you just gotta put yourself out there. Plenty other people in the same boat.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 07-02-2020 5:13pm

KiKi III wrote: »

I do wish we could have more girls’ nights out with the lads where my chances of meeting someone would be better. They also don’t tend to take my chances of meeting someone into account in choosing venues.

Ha! I'm definitely guilty of that. "Let's go here, zero chance of being chatted up"

07-02-2020 5:13pm

victor8600 wrote: »

How about Tinder and dating online in general? You may find someone interesting, may be even a friend?

Don't make me laugh, bitterly.

I've come to the conclusion alot of people use Tinder as an alternative to Candy Crush Saga so they have something to swipe on their commute. The few people who do reply to messages seem to just want Pen Pals or want instagram followers.

Signore Fancy Pants · 07-02-2020 5:13pm

victor8600 wrote: »

Are you serious? Do you want me to send you a link for one in Dublin?

No, I'm a shy virgin. I wouldnt know what to do with my noodle if I had to use it.

Just out there wigglin' in da wind.

Wait, its not your gaff is it Vic? Durty baztard

07-02-2020 5:22pm

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time Kiki Even though your relationship was casual it gave you something and now you feel its absence. Loneliness can be an emotional killer. Going to meetups can help but it might not provide the kind of meaningful relationships that we all need. It can also act as a kind of plaster. Loneliness can be deep inside of us and no amount of social events will change it.

The way I see it there are two types of loneliness. The one we experience because of the absence of others in our lives, be it fleeting or ongoing and the kind that exists even if we are in a crowded room of friends and family. It can exist alongside a sense of disconnect from everyone else, a feeling that you are on the other side of a pane of glass by yourself.

There have been many times I felt alone and I remember most of them. Moments of sadness staring out a window in to a lit up housing estate, walking through town on a busy Friday night looking at people in bars and restaurants, seeing groups of friends huddled together over drinks and me sitting alone.

There was one night years ago I was walking to my car after finishing college and God I wanted to just....I don't know...run. The loneliness was immense. I was going home to an empty apartment. People I loved were no longer with me.
I had friends and yet.

These days I long for that empty apartment

Funny what time does and how it can change us.
I am rarely lonely now. I could be on top of a mountain and be full. That's because there's something inside me which I can access, a sort of "you have yourself no matter who comes and goes and you will be ok".
It took a lot of loss and therapy for me to get to that point.

If you can say hand on heart that there are people in your life who you consider to be friends then reach out to them. Even those who are married may be glad of an hour to chat over a coffee. If however you feel that there is nobody then consider looking deeply at that and why you feel it.

victor8600 · 07-02-2020 5:23pm

Signore Fancy Pants wrote: »

Wait, its not your gaff is it Vic? Durty baztard

Nah, my gaff is too depraved to be a club

07-02-2020 5:24pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I actually have some plans of stuff to do, just not with other people involved.

it puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the howse again! :-)

One eyed Jack · 07-02-2020 5:29pm

KiKi III wrote: »

I’ve read that there’s an epidemic of loneliness amongst my generation and I certainly feel it a lot. I spend a lot of time by myself (I work from home). I can’t help but feel that if I had an OH a lot of the friendship stuff would bother me a little less.

I’m just wondering is it more the boredom of a routine that has you feeling a bit less motivated, than the feeling an OH would give you something different to do sort of thing.

Definitely remote working can be a bit of a grind and very isolating in itself, and of course if you’re in a frame of mind where you’re more attuned to reading about loneliness epidemics, you’re going to start seeing a lot of yourself in that mould.

You’re mature enough anyway to to have realised by now that it probably doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’re doing something and enjoying it and it’s getting you motivated, and then you won’t be missing company because company will gravitate around you.

It’s basically people are attracted to people who have a positive attitude or outlook. All too common people assume it’s only fellas have that awfully unattractive whiff of desperation off them, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, genuinely! I just think for whatever reason your confidence has taken a knock lately and it’s taking you time to find your feet again, and yes if it would hurry the fcuk up that’d be lovely :pac:

You’ll get there though

07-02-2020 5:35pm

rusty cole wrote: »

it puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the howse again! :-)

I've got a grow tent to erect and basil, chilli peppers and rosemary to plant.

Some code for a project I'm working on to write.

Plus the rugby and the usual laundry and housework.

Fr_Dougal · 07-02-2020 5:41pm

You’ve 2 options, OP:

1. Ask LaptopGremlin out on a date
2. Organise another AH beers

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 5:42pm

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Yup I can identify with this. All my mates are paired off and some are even married now. They do their own thing naturally enough.

I've always been fairly comfortable being by myself TBF and I wouldn't let it stop me doing things like going to gigs or just out for a couple pints, you'd be surprised who you get talking to that way.

Cliché I know but really you just gotta put yourself out there. Plenty other people in the same boat.

A/S/L?

07-02-2020 5:44pm

KiKi III wrote: »

A/S/L?

RIP your inbox.

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 5:48pm

@Persepoly: Thankfully it’s not the case that I feel I have no one. I have people; they just live far away or are at a different stage of life to me or both unfortunately.

@One Eyed Jack: My self-esteem has always been an issue and for dating I feel that’s something I’ve got to figure out myself (any tips on that are welcome!) It’s funny because people think I’m a super-confident person but that’s only because they mistake extroversion for confidence.

Thanks for the advice guys.

07-02-2020 5:49pm

KiKi III wrote: »

A/S/L?

35 m Dublin

SusieBlue · 07-02-2020 5:54pm

I can sympathise, OP.
All my friends became single around the same time as me, so we had an absolute blast last year.
Lots of nights out, lunch dates, a few weekends away and we also went on a 3 week long trip to the west coast of the USA. But now they've all started coupling up and the socialising is starting to dry up a bit.
We had discussed taking another trip to the US this year but when it came down to committing and booking, its only going to be myself and another girl. Of the 9 of us that went away just six months ago, we're the last 2 standing :pac:

Its after getting a bit depressing but I know a lot of it is my own fault. I'm just so picky when it comes to men.
I'm looking into joining a kickboxing class to broaden my circle a bit but I'm not too hopeful of it working. I think its a case of us being stuck in the middle of two very different life stages and that can make it hard to meet new people.

Oranage2 · 07-02-2020 5:56pm

KiKi III wrote: »

A/S/L?

16 m Dublin

Any hobbies?

Church on Tuesday · 07-02-2020 5:58pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Don't make me laugh, bitterly.

I've come to the conclusion alot of people use Tinder as an alternative to Candy Crush Saga so they have something to swipe on their commute. The few people who do reply to messages seem to just want Pen Pals or want instagram followers.

I wouldn't place too much stock on Tinder or POF TBH.

I agree, most people seem to just be on it to pass the time. I was chatting away to a woman for a bit a few days back, seemed to be going well and then was dropped, I assume, because someone else came along in the meantime that was initially more interesting to her.

Which is perfectly fine, but that is the inherent flaw with these sites; there is too many options, esp if you are a woman, but then you run the risk of missing out on a great date if you don't just focus on the one individual for a bit.

I don't really bother with them unless I am really bored myself. I certainly wouldn't consider it to be some measure of one's worth or something to get miffed about, it's fast food dating at best.

reg114 · 07-02-2020 6:02pm

KiKi III wrote: »

Thought I’d start a nice cheery one as it’s Friday; I may have posted about this before.

I’m recently single from what was essentially quite a casual relationship and it’s hit me hard.

We weren’t serious but we had been spending quite a bit of time together, and I feel quite lonely since.

It’s in quite a broad sense too - it’s not just about missing him. I spent a lot of my 20s living abroad and my friends are spread out all over the world. That can be amazing in some ways (I’m never short of an exotic holiday destination when the opportunity comes up) but it can mean sometimes I look at my life in Dublin and think “Where are all my friends?”

I’m in my early 30s so a lot of the friends I do have are in long-term relationships or have kids, and since I don’t drink alcohol I’m rarely out on mad nights out. I have hobbies that I’ve made acquaintances and broadened my social circle through, but it hasn’t led to any close friendships yet - most of those are still abroad and largely conducted through WhatsApp.

I’ve read that there’s an epidemic of loneliness amongst my generation and I certainly feel it a lot. I spend a lot of time by myself (I work from home). I can’t help but feel that if I had an OH a lot of the friendship stuff would bother me a little less.

Anyone else in the same boat? Any advice?

I know this could easily go in PI but if mods are okay with it I’d rather see a more general discussion as you can have here.

Working from home can be tremendously isolating and not ideal for your state of mind over the long term. The simple interactions you experience around the office / work space may be mundane but they encourage you to connect with other people even if only briefly. Humans are social creatures, if you take away the social element for the guts of 40 plus hours per week you will experience negative ramifications. Perhaps theres an opportunity for you to work even a couple of days a week outside the home, be it in a library, coffee shop or one of those business hubs that facilitates sharing workspace.

The more you interact with actual people on a daily basis and the less time you spend on your own at home, the less lonely you will feel and the greater the chance you will meet someone significant. Its really that simple.

Clubs and societies are really the main way forward especially if you dont have a gra for the pub scene. Ultimately given your situation you must seek out company yourself, you must be proactive about putting yourself amongst people as often as is possible. I have worked from home, its very taxing mentally and not something i would encourage, no matter the cost saving or perceived convenience.

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 6:06pm

I’m seriously considering getting a “real job” again, partly because it’ll be much easier to get a mortgage with one, but also because I miss interacting with people during the day.

Also it will force me to get dressed before 2pm.

Idbatterim · 07-02-2020 7:07pm

I've a similar work setup, it has its pro's, but you can actually start losing your mind with the setup after a while!

jaxxx · 07-02-2020 7:11pm

You know the old crazy cat lady from The Simpsons? That's me in 20 years, except with doggies and I ain't a lady.

Raconteuse · 07-02-2020 7:13pm

Working from home full-time would not suit me at all. Much as I curse having to go in there at times. Working from home the odd day, grand - a novelty, but I don't think five days a week is good for someone. Maybe I'm wrong but my friend thought working from home was perfect for him yet he was not in great form a lot of the time at all. Still thinking he was happier! Then he had to get a job without the work from home option - not his choice, just dictated by circumstances. And he is so much happier.

07-02-2020 7:19pm

Just a quick post to acknowledge to the OP that I am in a very similar situation.

I'm sure it's one of those phases that just comes and goes with time, so fingers crossed all will work out

beejee · 07-02-2020 7:20pm

First of all, remove your socks. Secondly, put them back on again.

Next, take socks off your feet. After that, put them on.

Something about a bloke called Tony that is 100% himself. Monotony, that's it. That Tony bloke can wreck your head.

Church on Tuesday · 07-02-2020 7:28pm

KiKi III wrote: »

A/S/L?

32/M/Westport.

Too far away Kiki, unfortunately

07-02-2020 7:32pm

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 7:41pm

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

32/M/Westport.

Too far away Kiki, unfortunately

Would you believe I’m on the Westport train as we speak

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 7:42pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I’ve no issue finding men who are up for the No Pants Dance Bertie! Looking for something more at this stage.

beejee · 07-02-2020 7:45pm

KiKi III wrote: »

I’ve no issue finding men who are up for the No Pants Dance Bertie! Looking for something more at this stage.

I'm picking up what you're laying down.

*puffs neck out and flits between branches*

Church on Tuesday · 07-02-2020 7:51pm

KiKi III wrote: »

Would you believe I’m on the Westport train as we speak

Great! what time ya get in at?

07-02-2020 7:55pm

KiKi III wrote: »

Would you believe I’m on the Westport train as we speak

Clearly its meant to be.

Lucky prick.

KiKi III · 07-02-2020 7:59pm

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Great! what time ya get in at?

My Mam is expecting me in Ballyhaunis at 8.30 but I suppose I could stay on and tell her it’s in the name of love!

Purple Mountain · 07-02-2020 7:59pm

I'm a single parent and work part time.
I actually dread days off because I work with a massive staff who are fabulous and it's like a social outlet for me along with work.
I'm lucky with friends because even though they are all married or in a couple, I make plans to go away with them or visit them. Nights out are a thing of the past but I still get away on city breaks or sleep overs etc so I'm lucky.
I've said it before on here but I'd love a partner to go out with once a week or have a date for a wedding etc but I've no interest in marriage or children.
Unfortunately to most people that reads like a friend with benefits

Loneliness and singledom

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