Ambivalent about babies

06-05-2018 11:19pm

erudec wrote: »

Right, so there's no reason for you to pay any attention to what I said.

It's only addressed to those who are on the fence about having their first child. That's not you, so no worries, love.

I'm fairly ambivalent about having children right now. My reasons are complicated and I swing from one position to the other. Both you and Pwurple make interesting points. I can be very unorganised but that wouldn't be a factor at all in deciding whether to have children. For other people though it could be a huge problem and maybe add to any anxiety they may have.

Sile Na Gig · 07-05-2018 2:00am

I’ve noticed that some of my friends who are very organised and house proud struggle with their kids. You have to be able to let things go and be in the moment, especially with your second or subsequent child. Rhythm is great but you need to be flexible too...

pwurple · 07-05-2018 6:14am

erudec wrote: »

Right, so there's no reason for you to pay any attention to what I said.
It's only addressed to those who are on the fence about having their first child. That's not you, so no worries, love.

Seriously? “Love”How condescending.

As I would not have been worthy of becoming a parent by your rules... Just letting anyone reading know to politely set those aside.

erudec · 07-05-2018 8:38am

pwurple wrote: »

Seriously? “Love”How condescending.

As I would not have been worthy of becoming a parent by your rules... Just letting anyone reading know to politely set those aside.

Sorry, I'll delete that word. I'm afraid that altogether too many people become mothers who have none of the necessary abilities. If a person is ambivalent, she shouldn't rush into it.

See if you (not anyone in particular) can care for a bag of sugar for a month, have a friend set an alarm clock to go off at random times throughout the night without your foreknowledge. Whenever the clock goes off, you have to get up and rock the bag of sugar in your arms for 40 minutes.

If you can't handle a month of that, consider staying on the pill.

erudec · 07-05-2018 8:41am

Sile Na Gig wrote: »

I’ve noticed that some of my friends who are very organised and house proud struggle with their kids. .

I bet those kids turn out fine.

Malayalam · 07-05-2018 8:59am

Dear OP,

because of your age my advice is that you set aside some time - a few months or so - to really concentrate on the question of whether or not you and your husband want to have a family. Maybe take counselling sessions, so that you can have a neutral forum where you really explore your views, in a constructive and rational manner. Dilly-dallying with one idea or the other is not really an option in your late thirties and there is really ambivalence there, I sense

So, for your own sake and himself, ye should come down on one side or the other. He might surprise you, for example, by admitting he does want children- he may be following your lead at the moment, but not know what is truly in his heart. Equally you might become clearer in your decision to not have children. It can only be beneficial to be clear.

I am not particularly fond of children, I do not seek them out at gatherings, nor do I coo over babies, and I don't like holding other peoples newborns. I feel no more fondness for random children than I do for random adults. I relate to them pretty much the same, I either like them or don't for reasons of their personality. The thought of being pregnant and giving birth terrifies me. How the Hell can that be done! The thought of all that dependency and sacrifice is absolutely alien, even repugnant, to me.... now that I am at the other side of all that!

I never planned children. If asked about children I made yeuch noises. They all came along as surprises when I was very young. I had zero money, no car, lived remotely in an ancient house with no water or electricity, had no family for hundreds of miles, I had no plans, ambitions, direction, ideas about what a life should be. No nursery planned, no baby wardrobe, no idea what to expect. I loved being pregnant every time, got taken over by some sort of primal energy when it came to giving birth, so it was not terrible as I might think it would be now, it was powerfully natural, I completely loved being a mother, was totally hands on deck, and for 25 years did not even surface to think about myself, and what a normal life should be. And then suddenly they are grown up, and you are a human being again, wondering where you might like to travel or if a Tulikivi stove is something we could ever afford! It really is a crazily short life no matter what we do, time moves so quickly. It's a flash. Now those babies are the only complex, maddening, surprising human beings on the planet that I love unconditionally. It's a great ride. Whichever life you choose will pass quickly and hopefully you will enjoy it.

You are looking at what you would like most to do between now and your early sixties - you at least deserve to give it some serious structured thought. You are past the age where children magically appear under cabbages - cabbage leaf babies are a handy enough thing, in that it eliminates the need for thought - so you have to choose one way or another. Then you can move forward happily with clarity. Best of luck!

Sile Na Gig · 07-05-2018 9:10am

erudec wrote: »

Sile Na Gig wrote: »

I’ve noticed that some of my friends who are very organised and house proud struggle with their kids. .

I bet those kids turn out fine.

Of course, they’re grand! They get very good at vacuuming and putting away their toys!

I was just responding to the poster who said that if you weren’t an organised person you might have issues becoming a parent. My experience is that sometimes that trait will work against you.

Most kids turn out grand. But a lot of parents are very stressed and unhappy too.

eviltwin · 07-05-2018 9:10am

erudec wrote: »

Sorry, I'll delete that word. I'm afraid that altogether too many people become mothers who have none of the necessary abilities. If a person is ambivalent, she shouldn't rush into it.

See if you (not anyone in particular) can care for a bag of sugar for a month, have a friend set an alarm clock to go off at random times throughout the night without your foreknowledge. Whenever the clock goes off, you have to get up and rock the bag of sugar in your arms for 40 minutes.

If you can't handle a month of that, consider staying on the pill.

I wouldn't disturb my sleep for a bag of sugar. A baby is different. I would suggest a puppy as a baby substitute for anyone contemplating parenthood. Yes the early days are hard but it's not like that forever. People need to look beyond the baby years, every stage has it's own challenges but it's all worth it.

meeeeh · 07-05-2018 9:13am

erudec wrote: »

pwurple wrote: »

Seriously? “Love”How condescending.

As I would not have been worthy of becoming a parent by your rules... Just letting anyone reading know to politely set those aside.

Sorry, I'll delete that word. I'm afraid that altogether too many people become mothers who have none of the necessary abilities. If a person is ambivalent, she shouldn't rush into it.

See if you (not anyone in particular) can care for a bag of sugar for a month, have a friend set an alarm clock to go off at random times throughout the night without your foreknowledge. Whenever the clock goes off, you have to get up and rock the bag of sugar in your arms for 40 minutes.

If you can't handle a month of that, consider staying on the pill.

This tells you exactly one thing. That you are able to parent a sugar bag.

Sile Na Gig · 07-05-2018 9:23am

eviltwin wrote: »

Yes the early days are hard but it's not like that forever. People need to look beyond the baby years, every stage has it's own challenges but it's all worth it.

This.

Most of my friends only started reproducing after I’d finished my family. They’d be incredulous- ‘how do you manage four kids’, but they’re picturing little kids. Children can be surprisingly competent, helpful and caring to their siblings. Now that my eldest is moving towards the teenage years I find that the biggest challenge. I know how to deal with little ones, it’s finding a way to give him enough freedom, enough boundaries, and still keep him talking to me...

anewme · 07-05-2018 11:34am

meeeeh wrote: »

This tells you exactly one thing. That you are able to parent a sugar bag.

Well that’s proof enough that I’m not fit to be a parent.

Cause I’d eat it!:D

Addle · 07-05-2018 6:20pm

meeeeh wrote: »

This tells you exactly one thing. That you are able to parent a sugar bag.

A bag of sugar isn't going to cost you €250k over its life time.

Babooshka · 16-05-2018 10:33am

The Cool wrote: »

It's driving me mad though, getting pressure from my parents about starting a family like it's a question of "when" and "why not already", rather than "if".

To be frank...f*ck your parents or what anyone else thinks. They're not the ones up at 4 in the morning cleaning puke off the baby, the sheets, yourself. I'm in my mid 40's and have a 2 yr old. I wouldn't swap it, I waited a long time for this and I absolutely love being a parent to a little funny bag of cuteness. But I have no time for much, have not been out because of no support network around us, so it's just my partner and I looking after her...and working full time. It's not easy.

I was also ambivilant about it to a point because we discussed it and always felt that if I got pregnant, fine, but if I didn't, also, fine as we enjoy our lives and could think of plenty of ways to fill a child free life and have lots of fun and more cash to do so. But she then arrived, ha ha, as if she heard that!

It's great but listen to no one else, only your heart about what you want to do in regards to getting preggars and having babies. They is hard work. Worth it but they do take over your life for a few years as I am now living it....if you have a big supportive family with plenty of baby sitters around it's a bit easier :pac:

Appledreams15 · 16-05-2018 12:02pm

It is a good thread to talk about.

I am 35.

All I have ever really desired to do was travel. I have ny personal dream job, working remotely and travelling everywhere.

Part of me would like a child. But what worries me more is that at 35 I feel I have to make all these decisions RIGHT NOW.

The pressure! Part of me would like to travel forever.

Its more the feeling of 'I have to decide right now', that is causing me stress.

There must be a better way to look at it.

Dressing gown · 16-05-2018 12:15pm

I’m a mum to three and while I’m over the hump (just barely) I did have many years of feelings totally overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all.

Everyone parents differently. Some people breeze it. I don’t! Life is hard and being a parent is emotionally very hard so if you don’t feel the urge to have kids don’t worry about it!

Enjoy yourself and the freedom you have without kids. Lots of families end up getting a pet when they have finished with small babies as they miss being needed. Maybe one to consider as an alternative!

Sinister Kid · 16-05-2018 12:37pm

A friend of my sisters who grew up next door to us was over visiting my sister last week,
we were chatting away - The conversation went like this...

Her- When are you going to start popping out babies SK?
Me- I'm not. I'll get another dog at some stage & I plan on going on 2 to 3 holidays per year.
Her- Laughs! Ah, I'd love a holiday, I haven't been away since I was 16.
Me- How may sprogs have you got now?
Her- I've 4 boys.
Me - Jasus, how do you remember all their names!?

For a long time I felt/was made feel bad about not wanting kids. I'd get "You're only young, you will change your mind" Just wait, you will get broody" to the point of people being dismissive... Sure what do I know? At one point I was thinking there was something wrong with me for not wanting them.

Then there is the ones who think being a parent is the be-all and end-all & can't comprehend how someone wouldn't want a little darling. I had one particular friend that actually uttered the words" sure what would you know, your not a mother" like I was a second class citizen (this person is no longer a friend)

I also got "But you are great with kids, would would be a natural"
YES, I am good with kids... I grew up in a house full of kids, my mother was a foster parent & a childminder. From the age of 12 I had regular babysitting jobs for different families on my road, at one stage 5 evenings a week. I have more experience with kids than most childless people would... This probably has a lot to do with why I don't want them - It's not the life I want for myself.

I'm almost 34 now, As I get older & get to know myself more, I am even more sure I don't want them & I am happy with this decision. My partner feels the same.
We do talk about it every so often & we have agreed that if either of us begin to change our mind that we will discuss it...
Who knows, I may look back at this post in a few years time & everything could be different... I mite look at a baby one day & get all gooey inside or my partner mite come to me & say that he has had a change of heart... Only time will tell.

Sunflower 27 · 16-05-2018 12:44pm

We live in a different era now. I knew in my 20s that children weren't for me. It's not that I don't like them, I just didn't want the responsibility.

Friends said I'd change my mind, but at 45 now I didn't. I have a wonderful partner that also doesn't want children.

Do I have regrets, nope, not a single one. I live a full and rich life, I travel loads and I changed careers and went back to university in 2012. I would have struggled to do that with a family.

Take the time to think about what you want and don't be swayed by other people's advice/insights Having or not having children is a very personal choice. It's also a lifelong one.

Appledreams15 · 16-05-2018 3:41pm

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

We live in a different era now. I knew in my 20s that children weren't for me. It's not that I don't like them, I just didn't want the responsibility.

Friends said I'd change my mind, but at 45 now I didn't. I have a wonderful partner that also doesn't want children.

Do I have regrets, nope, not a single one. I live a full and rich life, I travel loads and I changed careers and went back to university in 2012. I would have struggled to do that with a family.

Take the time to think about what you want and don't be swayed by other people's advice/insights Having or not having children is a very personal choice. It's also a lifelong one.

I agree. I definitely think that my feeling of pressure is coming from what other people/society is telling me that I MUST do. The guilt.

Women are not really free in this era, without alot of judgement. A truly free era would be women not getting asked all the time why they don't have children, why are they not married.

I read somewhere that there used to be an era where women knew that they did not have to have children unless they wanted to. Now it is almost expected of us, and we are shamed if we don't do it.

Sunflower 27 · 16-05-2018 4:05pm

Appledreams15 wrote: »

I agree. I definitely think that my feeling of pressure is coming from what other people/society is telling me that I MUST do. The guilt.

Women are not really free in this era, without alot of judgement. A truly free era would be women not getting asked all the time why they don't have children, why are they not married.

I read somewhere that there used to be an era where women knew that they did not have to have children unless they wanted to. Now it is almost expected of us, and we are shamed if we don't do it.

You can only feel judged if you allow yourself to be

I chose not to allow anyone else's beliefs/opinions influence me. Will these people judging you now still be in your life in 10, 20 years?

If people ask me if I have children I always reply with "no, I never wanted them". It may sound harsh, but to me, so is the question. How do people not know I have been trying unsuccessfully for children for years or have had multiple miscarriages?

It's a very personal question.

I don't take judgement on board. I've had multiple close friends confide in me that given the choice again, they would not have children. Maybe it's because they know I won't judge them.

The judgement of others is irrelevant to me. I've the life I wanted and I'm happy

Appledreams15 · 16-05-2018 5:03pm

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Appledreams15 wrote: »

I agree. I definitely think that my feeling of pressure is coming from what other people/society is telling me that I MUST do. The guilt.

Women are not really free in this era, without alot of judgement. A truly free era would be women not getting asked all the time why they don't have children, why are they not married.

I read somewhere that there used to be an era where women knew that they did not have to have children unless they wanted to. Now it is almost expected of us, and we are shamed if we don't do it.

You can only feel judged if you allow yourself to be I chose not to allow anyone else's beliefs/opinions influence me. Will these people judging you now still be in your life in 10, 20 years?

If people ask me if I have children I always reply with "no, I never wanted them". It may sound harsh, but to me, so is the question. How do people not know I have been trying unsuccessfully for children for years or have had multiple miscarriages?

It's a very personal question.

I don't take judgement on board. I've had multiple close friends confide in me that given the choice again, they would not have children. Maybe it's because they know I won't judge them.

The judgement of others is irrelevant to me. I've the life I wanted and I'm happy

You're great. I am a bit sensitive. But I will be proud of myself when I achieve the life I want, that is truly me, not other people's opinions.

I was in a position to take a 3 month holiday this year. And part of it I could not relax, with what I call the Irish guilt, that we should not be enjoying ourselves, should not be making a fuss of ourselves.

I felt inherently guilty that I wasnt working, and partly this was of course due to comments from people in Ireland who were jealous and were not happy for me...and people who said "I would never not work for a time"

Well i am going to treat myself. Feck their jealousy

Sunflower 27 · 16-05-2018 5:09pm

Appledreams15 wrote: »

You're great. I am a bit sensitive. But I will be proud of myself when I achieve the life I want, that is truly me, not other people's opinions.

I was in a position to take a 3 month holiday this year. And part of it I could not relax, with what I call the Irish guilt, that we should not be enjoying ourselves, should not be making a fuss of ourselves.

I felt inherently guilty that I wasnt working, and partly this was of course due to comments from people in Ireland who were jealous and were not happy for me...and people who said "I would never not work for a time"

Well i am going to treat myself. Feck their jealousy

God, what I'd give for three months away lol.

You have one life, live it, enjoy it. Don't live your life for others. Xx

Addle · 16-05-2018 5:22pm

Since I made the decision that I wasn't going to have children, I never swerved from it.
Like all decisions we make, we live with the consequences.
Doing everything that I can on my own terms.
That means being alone as much as it means a great holiday.
I don't seem to have loads of spare cash though. When should I expect this magic money?!

pwurple · 16-05-2018 5:43pm

"When are you going to start popping out babies" has to be the most obnoxious question ever asked.
When we were having fertility difficulties, at the start, this would really upset me. Would hide in the bathroom til they fecked off.. And eventually the question came so frequently, I would start responding crossly with, "Um, do you want to see my ovulation chart?"
Of course that embarrassed some of the more reasonable but clueless people into shutting the feck up. Unfortunately it got some of the further clueless REALLY interested in providing Useful Tips(tm). "Oh, we did it doggie style only on a full moon".

Faith · 16-05-2018 9:59pm

One of my oldest and closest friends recently told me that she's pregnant. It's a moment I've been dreading since she started casually saying "When we have kids...". I thought that hearing something like that might shock me into action - whether through jealousy, competitiveness or a sudden awakening of my biological clock. But what I mostly feel is an incredibly selfish sense of sadness. There goes our lives as they used to be - going out and drinking until 4am, waking up drunk, and spending the next day laughing about it. I'm delighted that she is happy, but it certainly hasn't caused any stirs or pangs within myself! Let's see if anything changes over the course of the pregnancy and birth...!

Sunflower 27 · 17-05-2018 8:31pm

Faith wrote: »

One of my oldest and closest friends recently told me that she's pregnant. It's a moment I've been dreading since she started casually saying "When we have kids...". I thought that hearing something like that might shock me into action - whether through jealousy, competitiveness or a sudden awakening of my biological clock. But what I mostly feel is an incredibly selfish sense of sadness. There goes our lives as they used to be - going out and drinking until 4am, waking up drunk, and spending the next day laughing about it. I'm delighted that she is happy, but it certainly hasn't caused any stirs or pangs within myself! Let's see if anything changes over the course of the pregnancy and birth...!

I remember that feeling as well when a dear friend fell pregnant. My initial thought was "how could you do this!!"

Of course I didn't say it. She didn't live in Ireland, she was on the other side of the world in fact, but would visit Ireland every year as she had lived here a while, which is where we had met.

I remember that pang when she told me she was pregnant. In that instant everything changed. No more travelling around Ireland, hitting the pubs and all the antics we used to get up to.

In time that pang of sadness became one of happiness for her. I also grew out of the pub scene and actually enjoyed hearing about her baby (she has two now and they are no longer babies) and seeing photos.

It was also the realisation that we were growing up that probably hurt a bit too (although we were early 30s )

madmaggie · 29-05-2018 1:41am

I was never interested in having babies. So, knowing this, I felt it was better not to have them rather than to have children because it was expected of me, and end up being miserable, and a crap mother. I know I wouldn't have the life I have now if I had children. I've had the usual baby hater comments. I love friends kids, playing with them, talking to them, all the nice stuff, but full time, not for me.

Babooshka · 31-05-2018 10:25am

Faith wrote: »

.... There goes our lives as they used to be - going out and drinking until 4am, waking up drunk, and spending the next day laughing about it. I'm delighted that she is happy, but it certainly hasn't caused any stirs or pangs within myself! Let's see if anything changes over the course of the pregnancy and birth...!

It's so so true, it changes your friendships, especially those ones with a childless friend. It's nobody's fault, but everything is so different, some of my friends drifted away when I had my child. They didn't mean to but there's only so many times they can look at my child and go "aww" and only so many times I can refuse to go on nights out before it just fades away. I'm sure you'll still meet for coffees and day stuff and the odd night out if you have access to a babysitter but yes the dynamic changes - that's a given.

KM792 · 31-05-2018 2:33pm

I can honestly proudly without a ****idy **** say I don't want them and don't care for them.I can never understand why some women feel they have to justify their decision by saying something like"Oh I love other peoples kids bit I don't want any of my own".To me that line always tastes a little strange,like saying you're mad about chinese food but never eat it.
Anyway,I'm in my late 20's and I still feel the same way I did when I was 16,I'd declare to anyone who would listen I was having none and they would laugh in response,of course at that age you are really still a kid with no life experience.But I can honestly say at 28 I have never really looked at a woman who is a mother and said "I would love to be in her situation".Of course I wonder from time to time what names I would choose if I had a girl/boy,what they would look like,their personalities..alas,those thoughts are just passing clouds in my mind really.

Neyite · 31-05-2018 3:17pm

KM792 wrote: »

I can honestly proudly without a ****idy **** say I don't want them and don't care for them.I can never understand why some women feel they have to justify their decision by saying something like"Oh I love other peoples kids bit I don't want any of my own".To me that line always tastes a little strange,like saying you're mad about chinese food but never eat it.

There is a massive difference between being an auntie that loves to hang out with niblings every couple of months and being a mother though.

I've found that those who do use the phrase are doing it because of societal expectations that they should be having babies and that not doing so is somehow strange especially if they are married.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 31-05-2018 3:32pm

I do love other people's kids. Room of adults and a child or two off in the corner and I'm straight over to them. Babies m'eh, teenagers, nope, but kids between like four and ten are great craic.

Think I mentioned it earlier in the thread but I only really got comfortable with the fact that I like kids (ye know what I mean) and vice versa, when I got comfortable and confident with the fact that I absolutely do not want any of my own.

silent_spark · 07-08-2018 7:20pm

Excellent thread, OP. It’s such a huge decision, and due to biology not one we can just figure out when we’re divinely inspired. I’ve never been someone to gaze adoringly at babies, and I have no patience for children in what I would consider ‘adult’ places or situations, but because of my age I pretty much have to decide now whether it’s something I want. It’s a horrible position to be in. What if the urge to procreate hits me in five years, and it’s too late? There are also the health implications for me and any baby I might have. Even now, at my current age, any pregnancy would be considered ‘geriatric’! I find myself thinking (positively) about being pregnant and having a young child, but I worry it’s just because I want to experience this amazing thing that women can do, rather than actually wanting a child. My partner is equally ambivalent. I honestly wish there was an online quiz or standard pre-procreating counselling service we could avail of and that it would just pop out the answer at the end.

Baby Ambivalence · 08-08-2018 2:34pm

Its great to see I'm far from alone. Hurray for the women who aren't pushed to procreate club!

Having had several family members ask about babies before the ink was even dry on the marriage certificate, we've decided its not going to happen any time soon. I'm OK with taking the chance to wait because the thought of being a parent now freaks me out far more than the thought of never being a parent.

Hopefully I wont suddenly become broody at 45!

Western Lowland Gorilla · 09-08-2018 7:13am

Its refreshing to read this thread as a man in his early 30s to see that there are potentially plenty of women who don't want kids.

It's so far off my radar its not even a remote possibility.

Number one reason would be financial alongside the desire to do other things with my life, of which there are plenty, and life hasn't exactly gone to plan to say the least so there is still plenty I want to achieve/do/travel etc.

You only have one life!

madmaggie · 10-08-2018 12:26am

Looking at friends of my age, some of whom have children still in national school, they are looking ahead to when the children go to college and beyond, by which time the parents will be in their sixties. They are working hard, often doing overtime, dealing with elderly parents, demanding employers, financial stresses. It makes me glad that I didn't have children, I don't have those stresses. My life is my own.

woodchuck · 10-08-2018 1:34pm

I'm not a baby person. When someone brings their baby into work and I see other women sniffing the babies heads and tearing up, I just think it's weird...

I'm good with kids though! So if I ever do decide to have kids, there's the whole baby part to get through, which I'm not keen on at all

All babies seem to do is cry and poop and puke and keep you awake all night.

Also how the FCUK do working parents manage the logistics of it all?! I have no idea how they manage to get their kids to/from school/crèche in addition to getting themselves to/from work on time every day. And what about all the time off they get at summer and midterms? Even if you used up all your annual leave on that, it would still never cover it all. There must be some sort of time warp situation going on. Or very very helpful grandparents.

... see this is my problem. The more I talk about it, the more I convince myself that it's not even feasible :rolleyes: Sometimes I think the only way I'll ever have a baby is if it's an accident.

Ave Sodalis · 10-08-2018 8:56pm

One thing I really hate people saying is, "ah you're only young yet. You'll change your mind". It's often said with a patronising smile too, and that insufferable 'I-know-better' look.

No, you don't know better. You don't know my reasons for not wanting children. You don't know that I not only don't feel broody at the thought of having children, but I actually feel ill at the thought of it.

Sometimes, especially after not sleeping due to panic attacks and/or nightmares, I feel like shaming people who say it to me by listing the reasons, but the logical side of my brain knows it's ignorance and there's no bad intentions about it. The stubborn side of my brain gets a grim bit of satisfaction knowing that I'm gonna prove them wrong.

However, like others, I'm good with kids. I just don't want any of my own.

lazygal · 15-08-2018 11:34am

I'm pregnant with my third child. I'm ambivalent about babies too. I'm dreading the newborn stage and I'm not full of love for other people's babies. We were lucky to conceive fairly easily but I have awful pregnancies and I'm almost certain this will be my last child.
I don't think my life would be worse if I didn't have children, just different. Maybe its just me but having children hasn't shaken my life to its foundations. I still go to work and see my friends and go out with my husband and go on holidays and get my nails done and all the other things I did pre children and parenting. Things are bit more planned and thankfully my children don't have special needs that would complicate things more perhaps. Our children slotted into our lives more than we changed our lives fundamentally.
I never thought about having children versus not having children, but I did know I only wanted them if I was married to the right man. When I met my husband we knew fairly quickly we wanted to get married and did so. Had I not met him or things not worked out I'm sure life would have been just as good.

ginandtonicsky · 15-08-2018 9:28pm

I always assumed it would happen, but have never felt anything resembling broody and I'm 33 now.

I got out of a long-term relationship last year, in part because I couldn't see my then-partner as responsible enough to settle down and start a family with me down the line, so I suppose it's still there in the background. Like the last poster, it would all hinge on finding the right partner and without that I just wouldn't do it. Certainly wouldn't be rushing to the sperm bank if he doesn't appear in the next decade.

I think every woman has to think about this really intensely at a certain age and personally I find it to be one of the biggest challenges of being in my early thirties. I can worry so much about being single and not meeting the right person and what if I'm suddenly 40 and it hasn't happened for me and I regret focusing on my career in my 30s or leaving it "too late" or whatever. Should I do that part-time MBA I've been thinking about, or is it too great a risk to take myself out of the social loop for 2+ years and suddenly be 36 and still single? Should I buy a property here abroad or should I endeavour to move home to Ireland and settle down with that Irish guy I always thought I'd marry at some stage?

It brings everything into question, and what makes it all the more difficult is to not have that biological urge that the world around me seems to feel at this age. I think I'm equally scared about not having them as I am about having them tbh! I do really enjoy having loads of money to spend however I would like...!

Baby Ambivalence · 16-08-2018 11:33am

lazygal wrote: »

I'm pregnant with my third child. I'm ambivalent about babies too. I'm dreading the newborn stage and I'm not full of love for other people's babies. We were lucky to conceive fairly easily but I have awful pregnancies and I'm almost certain this will be my last child.
I don't think my life would be worse if I didn't have children, just different. Maybe its just me but having children hasn't shaken my life to its foundations. I still go to work and see my friends and go out with my husband and go on holidays and get my nails done and all the other things I did pre children and parenting. Things are bit more planned and thankfully my children don't have special needs that would complicate things more perhaps. Our children slotted into our lives more than we changed our lives fundamentally.
I never thought about having children versus not having children, but I did know I only wanted them if I was married to the right man. When I met my husband we knew fairly quickly we wanted to get married and did so. Had I not met him or things not worked out I'm sure life would have been just as good.

If you don't mind my asking, what made you decide to have them when you wern't pushed? (assuming they wern't all "mistakes") There must be a desire to have a child if you consciously stop trying to avoid pregnancy.

lazygal · 16-08-2018 11:55am

Baby Ambivalence wrote: »

If you don't mind my asking, what made you decide to have them when you wern't pushed? (assuming they wern't all "mistakes") There must be a desire to have a child if you consciously stop trying to avoid pregnancy.

It was a joint decision. When I met the man who is now my husband, I wanted to have children with him. Had I not met someone I wanted to have children with I don't think I'd have actively tried to get pregnant via assisted reproduction. Does that make sense? He was very open that he wanted to have children, I was open to having them too.
We discussed what we'd do if we didn't conceive naturally and had a plan in mind for that too. I suppose what I'm saying is that I didn't have an all consuming broodiness or dream of having children before I had them, I thought it would be nice to have them but equally if I didn't I'd simply have a different sort of life. I'm fully aware of my privilege in not having complications conceiving so the decisions were easy. I might feel very differently if, like some of my friends, we faced infertility. But generally you don't know if you'll face that until you decide to try to get pregnant.

meeeeh · 16-08-2018 11:58am

Baby Ambivalence wrote: »

If you don't mind my asking, what made you decide to have them when you wern't pushed? (assuming they wern't all "mistakes") There must be a desire to have a child if you consciously stop trying to avoid pregnancy.

There is a difference between wanting to have children no matter what or wanting to have children in certain circumstances. I have two kids but I wouldn't want to be single mother. I don't particularly like babies, a bit older kids are great. At least mine, I still don't have any particular desire to be around other people's kids. They are not hassle but if adults are present I'll be talking to adults. I have no problem admitting I was bored playing with ours when they were babies. At the same time I love ours to bits and I don't regret having kids one bit. Often life isn't about absolutes, I have friends who were desperately trying for a baby but decided against adoption. People do what suits them and having children isn't black and white situation.

lazygal · 16-08-2018 12:08pm

I find the baby stage incredibly boring and tedious too. Especially the first few months where there's no real feedback from them and you're doing everything in a sleep deprived haze. Love the stage from about two years on where they're proper little people you can have fun with. Haven't a huge interest in hanging around with other people's children either, I'd rather chat to the adults during a birthday party or other event I attend with my children.

Baby Ambivalence · 16-08-2018 12:12pm

I too would only ever consider having a child in a stable happy relationship. Now that I have found "Mr. Right" I still find myself unsure about whether I want them or not. I know I would never want to put myself through IVF so that further limits the time available. Id be open to adoption or fostering though. In some ways I even prefer the thought of that kind of parenting but then I don't want a kid badly enough to go through that process.

....... · 16-08-2018 12:13pm

Ive never wanted to have children, neither has my husband.

I came off the pill recently, Id been on it for 25 years. I was worried that I would become broody when I came off it and my body was no longer imprisoned by synthetic hormones.

My natural cycle has reasserted itself and I am happy to report no broodiness!

Triceratops Ballet · 17-08-2018 12:55am

I've always said I didn't want kids since I was in my early 20's in fact back then I was so much more determined about it than I am now at 35. I've spent a long time waiting for that bell to ring for me, as all the older wiser women in my life always told me it would "when I got older" I am older now and still no broodiness, I quite like kids but I've no desire to be a mother, a cool aunt, definitely! one who hands them back at the end of the day and enjoys 8-9 hours sleep per night!!
I know that as of right now I don't want to and I am pretty sure that won't change but I'm open to the possibility that it might, at the same time I'm aware that I'm running out of time to change my mind and I've had to make peace with the fact that I am making a decision to not have kids now knowing that the 40 year old me might hate me for it.

Babooshka · 17-08-2018 10:18am

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I know that as of right now I don't want to and I am pretty sure that won't change but I'm open to the possibility that it might, at the same time I'm aware that I'm running out of time to change my mind and I've had to make peace with the fact that I am making a decision to not have kids now knowing that the 40 year old me might hate me for it.

I don't think you can live your life planning for just in case I regret it later, not when it comes to kids anyway. I think you have to be fairly certain you want them. I was 42 having my first, (she's still my first heh heh!) and I was pretty sure - but still in the camp of others here who have said they would happily have children but also happily carry on without them. I didn't plan any IVF if infertility arose, and just wanted to see if it would happen. It did and boy does it rock your world. I now completely understand why we're wired to be so fertile younger, I find it hard to keep up with my little ragamuffin, in your 40's you need to look after yourself to keep up. It's not easy but I adore being her Mam and wouldn't swap it, but if I'd been less sure of wanting her, I don't know, there are times...so I wouldn't do it just as a by the by, you need to feel something inside telling you that you would at least like a baby or else it could end up feeling like a big mistake.

Having said that you could always have some eggs frozen if you feel you want the option later.

Triceratops Ballet · 17-08-2018 10:24am

Babooshka wrote:

I don't think you can live your life planning for just in case I regret it later, not when it comes to kids anyway. I think you have to be fairly certain you want them. I was 42 having my first, (she's still my first heh heh!) and I was pretty sure - but still in the camp of others here who have said they would happily have children but also happily carry on without them. I didn't plan any IVF if infertility arose, and just wanted to see if it would happen. It did and boy does it rock your world. I now completely understand why we're wired to be so fertile younger, I find it hard to keep up with my little ragamuffin, in your 40's you need to look after yourself to keep up. It's not easy but I adore being her Mam and wouldn't swap it, but if I'd been less sure of wanting her, I don't know, there are times...so I wouldn't do it just as a by the by, you need to feel something inside telling you that you would at least like a baby or else it could end up feeling like a big mistake.

Babooshka wrote:

Having said that you could always have some eggs frozen if you feel you want the option later.

I totally agree I'm not planning for just in case. I don't want kids now, I know that. if that changes in the future, (which I don't think it will) and the time has passed I will have to be fine with it.

Gaeilgeoir · 01-11-2018 9:16am

I've just been reading through this thread as I'm struggling with the decision myself at the moment. I'm 32 and single (have never been in a relationship and never expect to be) but my mother is in her 70s and I feel it's now or never if I want the kid to know her and also before my mum needs more care herself.

I am most certainly ambivalent about kids. I see they can be cute but I don't find them all that entertaining and time spent with my young niece and nephews left me feeling less like wanting kids rather than activating my biological clock! Just seeing the amount of work involved and how you have so little time to yourself. Your weekends start at 5 or 6am and are mostly spent keeping them entertained, fed and clean. I just don't know if I could hack it.

I'm extremely introverted and am at my happiest when alone or with my dog. Just sitting by the fire watching TV on my own is really the height of my week

I also enjoy having the freedom to travel (alone) whenever and wherever I feel like and having the disposable income to do so. So having a child would basically mean giving up everything I currently live about my life.

And yet, for the past year I have been planning single motherhood, believing some good instinct was telling me I would regret not having children. In the past week I've been questioning this and wondering if I was just being tricked again by that pesky societal programming. Perhaps rather than wanting a child, I just want to want a child?

It's so hard to choose between two alternate lives, one you know and one you can only speculate on. I still have no idea what I'm going to do

Faith · 01-11-2018 3:58pm

Gaeilgeoir wrote: »

I've just been reading through this thread as I'm struggling with the decision myself at the moment. I'm 32 and single (have never been in a relationship and never expect to be) but my mother is in her 70s and I feel it's now or never if I want the kid to know her and also before my mum needs more care herself.

I am most certainly ambivalent about kids. I see they can be cute but I don't find them all that entertaining and time spent with my young niece and nephews left me feeling less like wanting kids rather than activating my biological clock! Just seeing the amount of work involved and how you have so little time to yourself. Your weekends start at 5 or 6am and are mostly spent keeping them entertained, fed and clean. I just don't know if I could hack it.

I'm extremely introverted and am at my happiest when alone or with my dog. Just sitting by the fire watching TV on my own is really the height of my week I also enjoy having the freedom to travel (alone) whenever and wherever I feel like and having the disposable income to do so. So having a child would basically mean giving up everything I currently live about my life.

And yet, for the past year I have been planning single motherhood, believing some good instinct was telling me I would regret not having children. In the past week I've been questioning this and wondering if I was just being tricked again by that pesky societal programming. Perhaps rather than wanting a child, I just want to want a child?

It's so hard to choose between two alternate lives, one you know and one you can only speculate on. I still have no idea what I'm going to do

It sounds like the question is: Do you want a child, or are you afraid you'll regret it if you don't have one? For me, fear of regret is not a good reason at all at all.

ChrissieH · 22-11-2018 2:11pm

This is a great thread and obviously I'm extremely late in joining it because I've only just joined the forum, but it's exactly how I feel too and I really wish people would be open to talking about this in "real life" too, as it's clear from here that there are plenty of us in the same boat, but yet a lot of us feel that we're somehow wrong because of how we feel.

I'm 41 now and have had several long-term relationships, including my current one, and it was always the men who were keen to have children while I felt like I was constantly saying the same thing: "I just don't feel any desire to have them right NOW but I'm assuming some day I will want them" because like so many others here, I felt that people thought I was an evil, heartless cow when I said that I didn't want kids.
I have never felt any desire to have them, I still don't but as so many others have said, I'm so ambivalent that I decided to come off the pill last year and let fate make the decision for me, and during the past year I have had absolutely no strong reactions to getting my period or feeling fat and wondering "hmm, am I pregnant?" :-) I'm still as ambivalent as always, which worries me for all the same reasons everyone else has outlined; the fear that I will regret it when I'm older, knowing full well that if I DID have a baby this time next year, I'd be just as frustrated and bored as I would be happy and infatuated.
I have ambivalent friends who had children and are so honest, so I am living vicariously through them and I think that I know deep down in my heart that motherhood is not my purpose in life, but yet, as always, society and culture has me confused and thinking that maybe I want things that I don't actually want.

It's so confusing.

Ambivalent about babies

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