Wife or Mother?

LegacyUser · 09-09-2019 1:19pm #1

Who gets priority , my mother has treated my wife and me terribly for years and without going into all the details she apologised but it was kinda the straw that broke the camels back the last thing she done on my wife.

I'm very much stuck in the middle , I feel guilty not visiting my parents they are elderly but I want to support my wife and she has put up with so much s**t over the years.

My father contacts me regularly wanting to know when we will be back down to the house with the kids , I keep telling him its not going to happen , I told him our door is open if they want to see the kids , my mother is saying she won't come visit the kids if we don't reciprocate and visit them also ie. they are not going to come visit unless we do , but we aren't my wife is too hurt by the way she has been treated.

My parents want me to come down on my own with the kids but I feel this is betraying my wife and excluding her , especially as my other brothers and wives are often there and my wife will be left out.

I'm at a loose end now and finding it hard to except the relationship with my parents is over but if I was to rekindle the relationship , it would cause the relationship with my wife to be under huge strain and possibly divorce.

Do I just cut all ties with my parents ?
Just putting it here first I may seek counselling on my own , thanks in advance.

pwurple · 09-09-2019 2:44pm

Ugh, this cutting people out craic causes such needless hassle, and drama. I cannot abide it. Why can't people just hold their tongues if they don't like someone and get on with the civilities of life with other humans.

Your mother sounds like she is being ridiculous for a start. She won't have your wife in the house, but wants you and the kids?
And also, your wife said she won't go see them because her feelings are hurt. Similarly unreasonable.

What kind of treated poorly are we talking about here? Insults and dirty looks, or something more serious, like financial hardship, criminal behaviour / physical abuse.

Xterminator · 09-09-2019 3:11pm

my mother has treated my wife and me terribly for years and without going into all the details she apologised but it was kinda the straw that broke the camels back the last thing she done on my wife.

the very 1st time something happened you should have nipped it in the bud there and then. by allowing your mother continue it for years you have disrespected your wife too! clearly your mother is in the wrong, and you should back your wife 100%. She is not unreasonable by refusing to continue to be badly treated. Grow a spine. Tell your parents she is your wife and when they mistreat her, they are mistreating you too.

When your parents see that you are united they will have 2 choices apologise and behave, or not see the grandkids. And it will be up to them to choose.

My parents want me to come down on my own with the kids but I feel this is betraying my wife and excluding her , especially as my other brothers and wives are often there and my wife will be left out.

Tell them you are a married couple. they get you both not at all.

jimmycrackcorm · 09-09-2019 3:33pm

If your mother is at fault for treating your wife so badly then you need to spell it out to her that she needs to acknowledge that and apologise to her.

Quite simply the relationship needs to be repaired through this. As you are all family then it's not like a disconnected friendship that you can simply wave goodbye to.

If there is a sincere apology then your wife should also accept that for the same reason.

You going up with the kids on your own is insufficient as this is not right for your immediate family.

LegacyUser · 09-09-2019 4:12pm

Thanks for the replies , my mother has been very mean to my wife and she has apologised and accepts she is in the wrong but this has been going on for 15 years plus and the cycle is my mother does something horrible on my wife. She will lie and fabricate stories to others making my wife out to be a total c... And other stuff of that nature , ok for example my wife was heavly pregnant and forgot to ring my mother to wish her happy birthday she sent a text instead and my mother flipped out told her never text her again and never show up at her door again. My mother later apologised but this time my wife has said enough she can't keep doing this going back accepting the apology only for something else to happen her 6 months down the line.
If I side with my wife it means losing contact with my parents .

Neyite · 09-09-2019 4:41pm

I'm on the wife's side here. And I think that you need to back her up firmly with your parents.

People get to a point where they decide they don't want to take any more sh!t anymore especially when 6 months down the line there's more drama of the same nature so the apology is meaningless.

Your dad is an enabler and flying monkey for your mother. Even after all the apologies your mother is still dictating terms and conditions for another adult in terms of visiting. Screw that. If she was genuinely remorseful she would be visiting and trying to make amends. This is just the same old nonsense But with your wife no longer playing ball and being her scapegoat the game can't get played.

There is nothing to stop your father from visiting you - except your mother. There is nothing to stop you from visiting them -except your mother. She's the root of all this and if her behaviour and his enabling has brought you all to a point where they don't see their grandchildren often well, you reap what you sow tbh.
And why would you want to expose your children to people who slag off their mother and find fault with everything she does or doesn't do? You also need to consider the life lessons that your children should learn from you - and not putting up with toxic people no matter who they are to you is a very good one to start with.

wiggle16 · 09-09-2019 4:45pm

Edited: OP posted while I was writing my reply

banie01 · 09-09-2019 4:48pm

Your wife!
Jesus, you are building a future with the woman.
How well do you think that's going to go if you show yourself up to be a spineless mammies boy?

Your mother has serious control issues and your dad is only fuelling her behaviour.

You would be quite surprised how quickly people can lift out of your life, giving your mother her head in this...
Is a huge slap in the face to your wife, it shows her absolutely zero respect and even less value.

Grow up, take a stand and if your Mother can't actually accept that and at the very least compromise.
Then cut her loose until she can.
If your father then decides to take her side, well at least he has the balls to stand by his wife rather than ask a message board even if he is wrong.

LegacyUser · 09-09-2019 5:06pm

Yeah great post NEYITE that really hit home and your bang on .
I think my problem is my dad rings be and gets upset on the phone and it makes me upset but he is the enabler and my wife says that also to me .
My siblings tell me I'm making my parents I'll by not visiting and want me to put up with there behavior because they are elderly now and they are worried for my parents health. My father thinks ' you only have one mother and you should accept her failings because she rared you'
I hate feeling like cr@p no matter what I do someone gets hurt and it's on my mind all the time,when the phone rings I pray it isiint my dad ringing for another lecture . Thanks for all posts they are all helpful in some way

Wesser · 09-09-2019 5:21pm

wife!!!!

eviltwin · 09-09-2019 5:39pm

Your wife of course, it's a no brainer. She's the one you've made a life with, she's the mother of your children.

I feel so sorry for your wife. You and your father are both enabling your mother to abuse this woman. You say your mother apologised but then continues the abuse.....if I was your wife I'd be so hurt. And that's not to mention exposing your kids to this stuff.

You need to put your foot down. You can't stop your mother being this way but you can stand by your wife and say you won't facilitate it. If your dad wants to see the kids he can be taken to you, if that causes issues well that's his stuff to deal with. You can still maintain a relationship with your dad and siblings while not allowing your mother to be involved

I really hope you stand up for your wife now. It should never have been allowed to get to this point. You need to step up now and be the husband she deserves

Daisy78 · 09-09-2019 6:53pm

Does your mother understand the hurt this is causing you in relation to this, and your kids? She might think her poison is targeted directly at your wife without fully grasping the unhappiness it is causing you. Have you ever tackled her head on “look this is causing me a lot of stress and unnecessary misery, can you please dial it back a bit for my sake?” What answer would she have to that I wonder?

Neyite · 09-09-2019 11:00pm

Siblings are flying monkeys too then.
Susan Forwards toxic parents book is often recommended in situations like yours.

It's a difficult place for you to be. It sounds like you already know you should be (and are) sticking up for your wife but the guilt trips you are getting are difficult to ignore.

Expect them to up the ante if you aren't falling into line. A convenient health scare usually follows...

LegacyUser · 09-09-2019 11:47pm

Neyite wrote: »

Siblings are flying monkeys too then.
Susan Forwards toxic parents book is often recommended in situations like yours.

It's a difficult place for you to be. It sounds like you already know you should be (and are) sticking up for your wife but the guilt trips you are getting are difficult to ignore.

Expect them to up the ante if you aren't falling into line. A convenient health scare usually follows...

Already had the health scare ,I was called by a sibling to say they were both really ill and if I didn't sort things they would get worse, I called down to house and they didn't seem that bad.

I know lots of messages saying grow a spine, man up etc but how do I get it off my mind or stop it entering my head each day and ruining my quality of life, I can't just flick a switch and forget things. There's always something a family event a birthday etc and it's really hard to move on.

Xterminator · 10-09-2019 10:08am

OP

you don't have to deal with it every day. you don't have to make a decision every day. you just have to irrevocably commit to being 100% on your wife's side just once. Back your wife and make sure she knows you choose her side.

Then it doesn't matter who says what, to whom.

valoren · 10-09-2019 11:15am

When someone genuinely apologises there is the implicit and mutual understanding that what they are apologising for will not happen again. A rational, genuinely sorry person then never does it again. It indicates respect to the other party. Her hollow apologies indicate that this is a cycle of abuse ie she insults, you react, cut contact, she caves, apologises, she insults, you react...etc etc

You've removed yourself from that cycle and pay no heed to the enabling guilt tripping from your dad and siblings. They know it's your mother and there seems to be this playing happy families expectation from their end. Your wife and excluding her from a toxic dynamic is your priority. Your wife is your immediate family now your parents/siblings are a secondary concern. Heed their taunting to man up. Tell them to mind their own business. Remember, ultimately, the only way to deal with toxic people is to not deal with them.

Neyite · 10-09-2019 12:04pm

meh2019 wrote: »

I know lots of messages saying grow a spine, man up etc but how do I get it off my mind or stop it entering my head each day and ruining my quality of life, I can't just flick a switch and forget things. There's always something a family event a birthday etc and it's really hard to move on.

It's easy for people who've never met you to tell you to cut them off -they aren't the ones dealing with the day to day. It can take years to detach from a toxic family and you do have to process the loss of contact as it's not easy. If it was just the troublemaker it would be easy but usually there's other casualties of the war like siblings and nieces and nephews you inadvertently get cut off from and that hurts.

Practically, I'd suggest that you yourself continue to visit as you like. Give vague excuses that your mother can't jump on as to why your wife isn't there - she had to work /stay in for the plumber /help her sister etc. Same with the children. Bring them for a family occasion, but not for general visits. Cite swimming lessons/ birthday party/ football match as reasons for them not turning up.

When there's a dig, don't bite or react. So for example a remark that your wife must always be working you plaster on a bland smile and agree that yes, she's very busy and don't rise to it or question it. If there's a nasty remark about your wife, a nice-but-firm request to not speak that way about her firstly but if it's kept up you either leave the room or the house (pleasantly if you like - "Oh, I must see how dad's roses are getting on" or "is that the time, I need to hit the road" and it will be clear that you will leave each and every time your wife gets slagged off. And DON'T tell your wife what was said. It would be said with the intention of getting back to her and hurting her in her absence so thwart that plan.

They will soon get the message but you are doing it in a non confrontational way that means less arguments and strife for you. I'd strongly recommend you get the book and also check out this thread for a lot of tips and strategies from people who've been on that road before you.

LegacyUser · 10-09-2019 12:58pm

thanks again and I am busy reading through that book , got an online copy its very helpful.
The problem is the parents house is like a central hub and the other grandkids and in laws are mostly there also , if i visit alone my wife feels like i'm betraying her , because my mother is then getting what she wants she has everyone in the house except my wife.
My mother has no interest in the grandkids she pllays the dotting grandparent role but posting pictures of them on facebook but reality is the same , kids arrive quick hug picture with them then ignore the kids for the rest of the time. My mother would start putting the kids coats on and hand my wife her handbag before we are ready to leave, shes just a rude rude woman.

Going down to the house on my own is not really an option i've tried it , i get home and there will be a way my mother has caused more hassle , she might put a picture up of me there with the other siblings on facebook and let it be known that my wife is not there, she spins lies and stories to the other siblings and relatives, my wife feels like by me going down to the house at all im betraying her , because there will be a spin on it to make my wife out to be the bad one not visiting. So we need to cut all ties unless they come here and visit us which my wife is agreeable to , but my mother is saying she won't come to our house cause we don't come to hers, if she really wants to see her grandkids she can visit . She came my sons confirmation recently and didn't look at any of my kids all day.

pwurple · 10-09-2019 4:20pm

The visits are more for your father's sake, and your children to see their cousins than your mother then. And that's valuable in it's own right too.

zoobizoo · 10-09-2019 4:21pm

meh2019 wrote: »

but my mother is saying she won't come to our house cause we don't come to hers

What she is really saying is "I will do what I like. I won't compromise. I won't act like an adult. I will do nothing to help make up for the way I behaved towards the woman whom you chose to marry. I will do nothing for your kids. I will also make your life very difficult by refusing to be nice to your wife and by refusing not to come to visit you ".

I don't think that anything you do will improve the way your mother treats your wife and kids.

If you want your kids to see their cousins then arrange to meet your siblings at theirs or at yours.

mordeith · 10-09-2019 4:31pm

From personal experience I would recommend meeting your parents in a neutral place (not their place or yours) on your own and lay out the issues with the way your wife, and by extension you, are being treated. If there is no honest response from your mother then you may to accept a drastic change in your relationship. Certainly your wife is the priority.

eviltwin · 10-09-2019 5:32pm

Cutting a parent off is never easy but sometimes it's the best solution. I haven’t had a relationship with my mother in 24 years, she doesn't even know my younger child exists, where I live etc. It's awful that things have come to this but the only way to deal with a toxic person is to cut them out. Maybe it will be the kick up the arse she needs to see that she needs to address her issues. She will run rings around you making her jump but pandering to her won't make things better.

ElizaBennett · 10-09-2019 6:12pm

Look at it this way OP, at the moment you're miserable and so is your wife who you live with. You're caught in the middle and very stressed. From my reading of what you've told us your mother is never going to change, bar a miracle. You can probably accept that after a lifetime knowing her. You've been deluding yourself and trying to be a good person but she'll never change. So do the one thing you can do. Make your wife and kids happy by comiting to them. Cut your mother out and have done with her. Let your father visit if he wishes. You can leave the door open for her to visit your home but tell her you and your family will never ever be in her house again. At least then youre no longer in the middle. Youve picked a side and one person is happy. Who just happens to be the most important person. And you're at peace.

B0jangles · 10-09-2019 7:04pm

Glad to hear you're reading up on this kind of behaviour OP - that should help you see the patterns in your mothers behaviour and how plain manipulative and toxic ( and sadly, not at all uncommon) they are.

She's not going to change - why should she? She's spent a lifetime being this person, she's got a support network of people willing to help her continue this behaviour. She's also got her home as the default centre of family life so any conflict with her is automatically a threat to cut off contact with the whole family.

It's easy for outsiders to say 'she's terrible, just cut her off', but you've spent a lifetime being shaped by who she is and that kind of conditioning doesn't let go overnight.

Make it clear to your family - your mother, father and siblings and most importantly, to your wife, that you stand with your wife now - you support her 100%. If needs be you may have to cut off or severely reduce contact with some of your family - people like her don't accept rules and boundaries - those are only for her to lay down and other people to follow. Like others have said, she'll probably stage some kind of dramatic event to bring you back in line and if when that doesn't work, there may well be a lot of rage towards you and especially your wife for having 'turned her son against his own mother!'

dellas1979 · 10-09-2019 8:06pm

I 100% agree with your wife.

But I dont agree with most of the suggestions on how to handle it.

A very very clear line needs to be drawn with your mother. This involves sitting down and talking to her. This was never done. Its a line of respect.

I beyond believe that if something happened one of your parents, you would regret the hostility.

Go yourself. Talk to them. Explain your case. Draw the line. Explain to your mother that she is now taking responsibility for her actions/words. Ye are done with her acting how she pleases.

Let that settle. Tell your wife what happened. Let that settle. Invite them for dinner/see grandkids.

Any jip at all, and you will refuse to engage them.

Rubberchikken · 11-09-2019 1:30am

i dont agree with either your mother or wife.
theyre both choosing to act the way they are.

for this to have any conclusion one of them is going to have to grow up and accept the other one, warts and all.

if they both stopped behaving like idiots for one minute, they might see the damage they are doing to their children/grandchildren, family.

ILoveYourVibes · 12-09-2019 10:36pm

When you marry your primary responsibility is to your wife and whatever children you have.

You have to make sure your marriage stays strong to keep the family strong.

You should tell your mother the above.

But you should tell your wife this. That it would really mean a lot to you if she could find it in her heart give your mother another genuine chance. Then give her a little time to process this. Tell her you know she was treated badly and you feel awful about it and have told your mother its not on. But if your wife could give her one last chance it would mean so much.

Tell your mother the woman you love is being gracious enough to try again and she needs to respect her and treat her differently and yourself too.

strandroad · 13-09-2019 12:07am

OP why don't you start meeting your siblings and cousins outside of your mother's house? Not all at once, one by one perhaps. Your mother will act insulted whatever you do anyway (she seems completely set in her ways and narcissistic to start with) and this way you can keep your relationships going and importantly build friendships among the children.

chooseusername · 13-09-2019 10:09am

Hi op, I don't know if you've thought about Family mediation.
I can't post a link, but if you Google Mediators Institute of Ireland
it would be a good place to start.
It's not cheap, and it may not even work in your case.
It will allow you to talk to each other -all four of you- through an impartial
third party.
The worst case scenario is a complete split from your parents, your father
will most likely feel he has to side with your mother,just like you have to take your wife's side.
Maybe that is what needs to happen.
Whatever about the current situation affecting your mothers health,
it is having a negative effect on your wellbeing.
I know your dad has been called an enabler here , but try to understand his position. He can't do right for doing wrong.
Just to let you know I have nothing to do with any mediation service in Ireland.
But it did help our family in the past .

Springfields · 16-09-2019 11:28am

Your wife of course.

Unless you want her to be your ex wife !! Grow up and tell your mother to cop on..

Anna2834 · 16-09-2019 11:50am

Similar story to what I grew up with. My mum didn't get on with her mother in law and my dad seemed to be always on his mother's side and rarely supporting my mum this went on for years and years and years. It all ended when my parents decided to emigrate, more than 25 years ago. I believe it was the best decision ever, as otherwise I truly believe my parents would have been divorced by now.

What my dad did was just take us the kids, to visit her (grandma) and my mum went about her business. To this day they don't talk and my grandma is almost 90 and all alone. Which is really terrible...

Seems my grandma was quite horrible in respect of my mum, the horror stories I heard...makes me sometimes look at my grandma in a total different light and I can barely believe that this frail little old lady was capable of putting her own son and grandkids through so much hardship.

Your priority in my opinion is your WIFE not your mum. I saw the damage a married man who can't decide who is a priority in his life, do to a family.

LegacyUser · 20-09-2019 8:15am

I have a mil who has caused us big problems when we had our son. She was quite abusive to my husband growing up too and I’ve never pretended to like her because of this.

While his father is alive he has to interact with his mother. She can’t be trusted so she has never and will never gotten time alone with our child.

I deal with it by giving her no information about my life if I have to speak to her. She’ll ask how my parents are.. I used to tell her details like they were on holiday or about their work/hobbies.. now I just say they are good.

I changed jobs and my sister had an baby.. normally things I would tell someone if we were speaking but I made no mention of it to her. I think it’s called grey walling? I am keeping myself not interesting to her so she can’t use anything I say against me like she has done in the past.

Anyway to my point, if I thought after all the crap she’s done to me, which sounds like very little compared to what your wife has dealt with, I would seriously consider divorce if my husband had to ask which side he should be supporting- me or his mother.

valoren · 21-09-2019 1:01pm

/\/\/\

It's the grey rock method. Essentially, be about as interesting to an abusive person as a grey rock so that they ultimately lose interest in provoking, taunting etc as they get no response beyond simple "Hi/Bye" feedback.

22-09-2019 4:38pm

Neyite wrote: »

Practically, I'd suggest that you yourself continue to visit as you like. Give vague excuses that your mother can't jump on as to why your wife isn't there - she had to work /stay in for the plumber /help her sister etc. Same with the children. Bring them for a family occasion, but not for general visits. Cite swimming lessons/ birthday party/ football match as reasons for them not turning up.

I have to disagree with this. I know it's hard for OP, but it basically is playing both sides and betraying the wife. Playing happy families and acting like the mother's behaviour is ok. And then as OP said, there will be pictures posted and the mother crowing she gets exactly what she wants - all the glory and none of the wife.
the priority here should be the wife. even though it's not an easy answer.

Neyite · 23-09-2019 11:59am

bluewolf wrote: »

I have to disagree with this. I know it's hard for OP, but it basically is playing both sides and betraying the wife. Playing happy families and acting like the mother's behaviour is ok. And then as OP said, there will be pictures posted and the mother crowing she gets exactly what she wants - all the glory and none of the wife.
the priority here should be the wife. even though it's not an easy answer.

That's a good point and one I didn't think of. My advice shouldn't be taken so OP as it does mean that MIL gets to exclude your wife entirely.

United front all the way then. And Blue is right, it won't be easy. But either option is difficult to navigate.

Tiddlypeeps · 25-09-2019 5:15pm

I don't understand this whole "she wins" stuff, it's so petty. Who cares if the mother feels like she wins, the point isn't to cave and give her what she wants, the point is for the OP to be able to keep in touch with the rest of the family, the mother getting what she wants is just a side effect.

If the mothers house is the "hub" where the family always gather then that is going to be next to impossible to change. Either the OP accepts cutting out his mother means also losing touch with the rest of the family or he sucks it up and tolerates her for the sake of keeping in contact with the rest of the family.

The idea that him going on his own to family gatherings is betraying his wife is super petty. Fair enough if she wants nothing to do with the mother, but keeping the OP and the kids from being able to see the rest of the family for the sake of a grudge with one person is super ****ty imo.

up for anything · 29-09-2019 12:02pm

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

I don't understand this whole "she wins" stuff, it's so petty. Who cares if the mother feels like she wins, the point isn't to cave and give her what she wants, the point is for the OP to be able to keep in touch with the rest of the family, the mother getting what she wants is just a side effect.

If the mothers house is the "hub" where the family always gather then that is going to be next to impossible to change. Either the OP accepts cutting out his mother means also losing touch with the rest of the family or he sucks it up and tolerates her for the sake of keeping in contact with the rest of the family.

The idea that him going on his own to family gatherings is betraying his wife is super petty. Fair enough if she wants nothing to do with the mother, but keeping the OP and the kids from being able to see the rest of the family for the sake of a grudge with one person is super ****ty imo.

15 years he let his mother treat his wife like crap! That was the major betrayal. The OP seems very weak and with no regard for his wife and his children. Why on earth would he let his mother model her shitty behaviour for his children to copy? It's difficult enough bringing up children without letting them think on some level that their mother is bad or wrong because their 'lovely' grandmother says so and her son/their father agrees by default and so does their grandfather. Both of them weak and under her thumb. To be fair, if I was his wife I'd already be gone. 15 years of poisonous behaviour. Ugh.

It has nothing to do with winning. It has to do with respect.

Klonker · 30-09-2019 11:49pm

I think I'm going against the grain here but....

Your mother's in the wrong of course but can you and your wife not just ignore the comments and put in down to your mother being a bit of a b1tch? It's your mother and you only have one and as you said she's old, she might not be around for much longer, you don't want to have regrets when she's gone and it's to late. Also your father and children are the innocent ones caught in the cross fire.
I just think your wife could do you a favour and bit her tongue. Put it this way, if it was the opposite way around and one of her parents, would you make a big thing out of it?

LegacyUser · 01-10-2019 10:12am

Klonker wrote: »

I think I'm going against the grain here but....

Your mother's in the wrong of course but can you and your wife not just ignore the comments and put in down to your mother being a bit of a b1tch? It's your mother and you only have one and as you said she's old, she might not be around for much longer, you don't want to have regrets when she's gone and it's to late. Also your father and children are the innocent ones caught in the cross fire.
I just think your wife could do you a favour and bit her tongue. Put it this way, if it was the opposite way around and one of her parents, would you make a big thing out of it?

we are years down a very similar line as the OP and i can tell you that doesn't work, children grow up, they hear things being said and it upsets them, and it effects them badly.

being a mother doesn't mean jack all if you treat your child like crap, or their partner like crap or their children like crap. You only get one mother thats true but not all mothers are good people. Don't tolerate abuse because "she's old" or "you only have one mother".

and no child or grandchild should have to put up with that verbal/mental abuse of their only mother, the days of "put up and shut up" are long gone.

the father is not at all innocent, from what i've read he is acting like a coward who sits back and says and does nothing to defend his son, his partner or his grandkids, likewise why doesn't he make the effort to see them? because he is either weak, a coward or agrees with the mothers behaviour.

the only victims here are the OP mainly because his parents are adults and should have known better than to behave like this, the wife who had to put up with what is essentially mental/verbal abuse from these people for YEARS for no apparent reason, and the children who lost a pair of (granted they are toxic) grandparents who should have been loving them and kind to them instead.

You don't expose children to toxic people or people who treat them badly it only results in damage that sometimes can cause huge problems for them later on in life.

Accepting Cookies · 16-11-2019 12:40pm

I stumbled across this post and both my husband and I have read all the way through it. My MIL has also treated me horribly, abusively, for years while my husband did nothing about it. She has done and said things which have caused me great pain and trauma. I was made unwelcome in my in-laws home by my FIL, because he was annoyed that I sat in his favorite chair, and he had to step over my computer charging cord. He said this directly to my husband with no shame, even saying, "why wouldn't I."
I emigrated to Ireland to be with my husband, and his family home was my only family hub, which I treasured. Without going into too many details that would identify me, I'll just say that I too didn't deserve it. Her mistreatment of me and that of some of my husbands other family members with bullying and threats caused us to leave our first family home together and move abroad to where I'm from.
I tried in vain for years to explain how her actions hurt me, how I loved her and their family and wanted differently for us and our children, but it never made a difference. Half-assed and insincere apologies were sometimes made (one of them consisted of two words written on a post-it, and placed inside a greeting card addressed to just my husband). The bad behavior always returned. I was name-called and attacked through letters, and emails to me and messages to my husband. He was offered plane tickets for just himself to return. His inability to put a stop to it caused such suffering. He once even yelled at me to just get over it, and another time after several years in of it, questioned how I could be abused when there's such a distance. He also once visited their home that I was made unwelcome in, despite having previously agreed none of our family would be there then, and justifying it because he brought one of our children there to "make memories." It nearly broke us and caused us many unhappy years. I almost left him just to have peace in my life again.
We went through counseling and learned about boundaries, and what his duty actually is, how to be healthy in our lives with toxic family, and it's the only thing that saved us. We even both started suffering from anxiety. My MIL one time out of the blue texted my husband horrible things about me-how I wanted him all to myself, that I never loved Ireland, I never fit in with the family, that I wasn't good enough for her son... and on the way to work my husband had to stop into the hospital thinking he was suffering from a heart attack. It was his first panic attack. I was also suffering with my mental health too, and for the first time I developed an anxiety disorder that hugely affected my life, that I have to stay on top of now to this day by minding my mental health carefully and blocking all contact.

My MIL was eventually told off firmly by my husband to stop, she refused. He told her he was cutting all communication with her in order for our family to be healthy and survive and the negative impact it was having on all of us. Then she flew over this summer without saying a word to us, full of passive aggressive comments, undermining my parenting. As she was leaving, she made an agreement to put it all behind us, we shook hands and hugged on it, and I was full of hope once again. Two weeks later she threw the trip in my husbands face and insulting him and "all the things he did wrong" and letting him know it was a waste of her time and money. I had treated her with the greatest respect and kindness, and that was how we were re-paid. She even called one of our children, an ungrateful little bitch.

I say all that as a warning to you and to anyone reading who needs to hear the same. Do not allow toxic family to destroy your life, your family and marriage, or your health. My MIL will never again be welcomed into my life as long as her behavior remains unchanged which it undoubtedly will not change. I can never forget the way I was treated and the horrible effect it had on my life. As has already been said, you made a commitment, spoke vows and have made a life with your chosen partner and your children. They are unquestionably your priority. Our children have been negatively affected by this emotional abuse. They deserve so much better, and they absolutely deserve to have healthy happy parents and a stable, happy home life. We all do.

You have the right to cut out toxic people from your life, even when it's family.

18-11-2019 2:51am

just because you were asked to move from the man's chair?

wiggle16 · 18-11-2019 2:58am

Mod:

As this thread is a couple of months old and the OP has not been back I am locking it.

Thanks & grma all who posted.

Thread locked.

Wife or Mother?

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