My son

Leroy42 wrote: »

OP, are you're parents still alive? Do you have any sisters and brothers?

Do you not think your son has a right to know these people if they wish?

I get it, you couldn't deal with it when you were younger but you can now. It will be difficult but far from impossible.

You can only be the person you are, but even that is valuable to know for your son. By getting to know you he may realise how lucky he was and that you actually made the right choice.

He is reaching out to understand himself, it really has nothing to do with you. He wants to know the man that created him, your personality, traits, habits, interests etc. It might answer some questions.

Let's say he ask for money, what the worst that can happen? First, you do kind of owe him, but let's say you refuse. He will simply walk away no worse off then when he contacted you but at least he can draw a line off the unknown.

Maybe for once stop thinking about yourself and actually try to help somebody else.

Whatever problems you encounter, it is nothing compared to the issues your son and his mam faced the last 22 years when you took your choice.

This post is instructive.


Your son deserves to know the real you. And his ancestors. If the real you is an asshole, at least he knows.
I had written an angry judgemental post but deleted it.
Follow the above post please and, now that you've acknowledged that you have a conscience, go meet a counsellor and talk it through. They WON'T be judgemental. They'll allow you to confront yourself. You need to. And then make whatever decisions are needed.
You'll take a battering here if you stick the course. As some of your positions and assumptions are odious. But you're not alone. Many of your peers abandon parents and grandparents under the guise of oh I'm building my house or oh I've to bring the kids to after school activities for the f*ckin 4th time this week. And use Covid as cover now rather than being inventive. People are selfish, and prioritise, but don't admit it. And children trump parents too. So you're not a monster. Just very selfish from the time of his conception.
You by all means should feel your own personal pain, and demons (they're in there or you wouldn't have posted), and it's all yours so congratulations, but you shouldn't feel oppressed by others' judgements. If you do feel ashamed of what family will think, sure wake up man, what is that telling you??
Stand by your decisions. Live with them. If you can do that, you'll be ahead of many people who lead secret interior lives. In every family there is the one who cares for a parent or sibling, selflessly, and the many who simply f*cking don't. Because they have prioritised you see. But they'd love to help, really...
Be happy with your priorities Op. But go chat a counsellor and I wish you well from here. But your son the world of luck because he deserves it. Lucky you, having created a child. All I ever wanted, but it wasn't to be. If it's not for you, own that.

Even if you cut him off now, which would probably be in his best interests at this stage, there will be nothing stopping him from contacting your parents/siblings to form a relationship with them down the line.

What right have you to deny him a relationship with his grandparents and aunties and uncles, or them him?
I would be absolutely appalled and disgusted if I found out one of my brothers had concealed a secret like this, denied his son and kept me from forming a relationship with him to boot.
What if they would like to know him and support him with his college fees? After all your wrong doing, why would you deny him that?

He is a living, breathing, decent person who has every right to find out where he came from.
You can’t continue living your life pretending he doesn’t exist and will just go away.
It’s bad enough that you’re denying him and shirking your responsibilities again for the most selfish and self absorbed reasons, but you’re denying him access to your family as well.
You seem to see him only through the prism of what effect he’ll have on your life, well it isn’t all about you.
He is entitled to know your family and there is nothing you can do to stop him coming forward in the future.
He won’t just cease to exist if you decide you can’t be arsed with him again.

So regardless of what choice you make as to whether to continue involvement in his life, either way you need to come clean to your family and own up to what you have done.
If they lose respect for you, are angry at you, and judge you for what you have done, you have absolutely no one to blame but yourself.