Abuse

ILoveYourVibes · 22-09-2020 4:59am

Some people are in a position to get away with abuse.

Look at the cops who abuse minorities.

Look at Jimmy Savall.

Look at rich white parents who send their kids off to god awful boarding schools.

Look at domestic violence.

In Russia they were bringing in a law to make domestic violence ok.

There is a system to protect abusers. And a lot of abuse ...is leave overs from a time when the system was worse.

Some people feel they have the right to abuse and no one pulls them up on it.

A parent who thinks they own their kid. And sometimes the system will help them do it.

eviltwin · 22-09-2020 12:23pm

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

When you grow up in an abusive home you dont develop a healthy self esteem or an internal locus of evaluation, abuse is normalized, particularly covert abuse which are subtle but very damaging over time, things like enmeshment and the blurring of healthy boundaries in relationships with parents or siblings. Adults that had enmeshed family relationships don't understand healthy boundaries, when they enter into relationships later in life, either platonic or romantic they can engage in behaviours such as sharing each others passwords or controlling one another.

People who come from abusive homes can also be the victims and some go on to have very healthy relationships.

Everything you say is correct but I'm always wary of profiling too much. Sometimes the most loving of parents can produce an abuser.

Airyfairy12 · 22-09-2020 12:30pm

eviltwin wrote: »

People who come from abusive homes can also be the victims and some go on to have very healthy relationships.

Everything you say is correct but I'm always wary of profiling too much. Sometimes the most loving of parents can produce an abuser.

Yes im aware they can be the victims, I thought that point came across in my post.
Ive not suggested that only people from abusive homes become abusers/victims.

My post was specifically answering the OP's question which was how people can miss signs of abuse in relationships...

mariaalice · 22-09-2020 12:41pm

eviltwin wrote: »

People who come from abusive homes can also be the victims and some go on to have very healthy relationships.

Everything you say is correct but I'm always wary of profiling too much. Sometimes the most loving of parents can produce an abuser.

That is very true, say it is a young 20-year old that is being abusive in a relationship even if they are not fully aware of how they behave in the relationship is abuse. I would bet in the vast majority of cases their parents if they knew would be shocked and upset that their child was behaving like that.

The abuser can abuse in one relationship and not in another and this maybe down to the fact that they were unhappy in the relationship and might have even grown to dislike the other person but they can't brake it off with them so the whole relationship becomes abuse, that is not an excuse its just a fact. They may never behave like that in another relationship.

There might be immaturity and lack of insight in to themself that only comes with age.

Airyfairy12 · 22-09-2020 1:04pm

mariaalice wrote: »

That is very true, say it is a young 20-year old that is being abusive in a relationship even if they are not fully aware of how they behave in the relationship is abuse. I would bet in the vast majority of cases their parents if they knew would be shocked and upset that their child was behaving like that.

The abuser can abuse in one relationship and not in another and this maybe down to the fact that they were unhappy in the relationship and might have even grown to dislike the other person but they can't brake it off with them so the whole relationship becomes abuse, that is not an excuse its just a fact. They may never behave like that in another relationship.

There might be immaturity and lack of insight in to themself that only comes with age.

Regardless of the reason theyre abusing, it doesnt change the fact that it's still abuse. If they are bored or unhappy with the relationship, that's not an excuse to abuse their partner. They have choices like everyone else and regardless of the reasons for abusing someone theyre still choosing to behave that way.

Sometimes people arent abusive in other relationships but this is why it can be so hard for victims to get help, they see their partner treating others with respect which can inforced the view that the victim is to blame.
No one is responsible for a persons behaviour only themselves.

I agree that immaturity plays a role in abusive behaviour, particularly among young people but that said, emotional immaturity can also stem from abusive/dysfunctional or unhealthy backgrounds and upbringings.

Mad_maxx · 22-09-2020 5:28pm

Phoenix32 wrote: »

They turn everything you accuse them of around and accuse you of it. They project. They tell you you're crazy or they make you feel crazy for being upset or feeling abused in any way. They make you question your own reality and your sanity. They make you believe you are the one at fault. That's not something reading a webpage about abuse can easily undo.

they convince you that their flawed analysis is correct and worse still , they imply that their attempted deconstruction of your charechter is for your own good , its anything but , their agenda is to confuse you , make you doubt your self on every level , make you embark on a journey of self reflection despite it being entirely uneccessery and based on utterly false amateur uninvited psychoanalysis

they are guilty of violently harming your soul

death is too good for people who do that

Mad_maxx · 22-09-2020 5:30pm

hayoc wrote: »

Why? One hour per week on the school curriculum. You asked how best to get the message across.

Therapy can benefit everyone - even those not suffering emotional abuse.

it can not , thinking deeply is bad for you , far better never to have to

Mad_maxx · 22-09-2020 5:32pm

hayoc wrote: »

Depends on the type of abuse and the situation IMO.

My father HATED that he was an alcoholic. HATED that he was a man who was destroying his family. Didnt want to be that man, but the call to booze was stronger than his will. He was full of regret, hated himself, this drove him to drink even more and rain down more chaos.

He had grown up in an abusive home too.

thats a form of abuse which stems from weakness , psychological warfare against another person requires strength

22-09-2020 5:38pm

Mad_maxx wrote: »

thats a form of abuse which stems from weakness , psychological warfare against another person requires strength

Psychological warfare against another person requires huge amounts of cowardice.

Also thinking deeply about oneself is important if you want to be self aware and be able to reflect on who you are.

Mad_maxx · 22-09-2020 5:57pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Psychological warfare against another person requires huge amounts of cowardice.

Also thinking deeply about oneself is important if you want to be self aware and be able to reflect on who you are.

being too self aware and thinking deeply about yourself is a recipe for unhappiness , if you are prompted to do so by someone with a malevolent agenda to harm you , self introspection can do great harm , its like searching for a problem that doesnt even exist

no reason to believe those kind of people are cowards , they are merely evil

Tell me how · 22-09-2020 6:06pm

I think and in the morning Diamonds of Frost was pointing out cowardice on the part of the person carrying out such abuse.

Not sure which party you are suggesting possesses strength in such a situation, I also think people who carry out psychological warfare against others are doing so as a consequence of their own cowardice. I think it stems from a position of self loathing or personal fears and unfortunately some seek to gain control of such emotions through inflicting hurt/control on others rather than try to overcome their demons. That is a cowardly act.

The alternative to self awareness is to ignore fledgling emotions which can escalate or to not learn the tools of how to look inward for solutions instead of striking out.

22-09-2020 6:07pm

Mad_maxx wrote: »

being too self aware and thinking deeply about yourself is a recipe for unhappiness , if you are prompted to do so by someone with a malevolent agenda to harm you , self introspection can do great harm , its like searching for a problem that doesnt even exist

no reason to believe those kind of people are cowards , they are merely evil

I see it as a way to truly know myself. To know my motivations and desires and hurts. It leads me to an acceptance of everything about me and an understanding of other peoples humanity. I respect that it isn't for you and no doubt not the way for many. It may make you unhappy but I'm very content with myself and my life.

Mad_maxx · 22-09-2020 7:00pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I see it as a way to truly know myself. To know my motivations and desires and hurts. It leads me to an acceptance of everything about me and an understanding of other peoples humanity. I respect that it isn't for you and no doubt not the way for many. It may make you unhappy but I'm very content with myself and my life.

fair play to you but due to past abuse i spent far too much time on introspection and it did me nothing but harm , left me constantly second guessing

i firmly believe ignorance is bliss

22-09-2020 7:43pm

Mad_maxx wrote: »

fair play to you but due to past abuse i spent far too much time on introspection and it did me nothing but harm , left me constantly second guessing

i firmly believe ignorance is bliss

There are times when I would like to put it all back in to the box but for me that wouldn't be a good idea. We all have different ways of surviving and thriving in the world. If I didn't already know that then the last few months certainly showed it to me.

Mad_maxx · 22-09-2020 8:16pm

Deleted User wrote: »

There are times when I would like to put it all back in to the box but for me that wouldn't be a good idea. We all have different ways of surviving and thriving in the world. If I didn't already know that then the last few months certainly showed it to me.

if you investigate , you will always find something you dont like , better to just keep busy and not think about things , thats providing you are not harming anyone

some people certainly need to take a long hard look at themselves

Sardonicat · 22-09-2020 8:19pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

There are times when I would like to put it all back in to the box but for me that wouldn't be a good idea. We all have different ways of surviving and thriving in the world. If I didn't already know that then the last few months certainly showed it to me.

This. It's timing really. There are times we need to keep it in the box to survive and times when the contents of the box start spilling out til you can't ignore it anymore. It's important to have positive supports around you if the stuff in your box is really toxic. For me that can be something as simple as remembering someone once encountered with a truly beautiful and light spirit. There are lots of really rotten to the core individuals in the world and some of us have the misfortune to be born into families with one or many of them or getting ducked into relationships with them. For me, just knowing that there are people who live and embody the polar opposite of that can stop me from sinking under sometimes. Until I'm ready to go digging in that box.

marizpan · 23-09-2020 1:32pm

hayoc wrote: »

Its a hugely complex question.

Take a well rounded confident individual, lock them in a house with an abuser, and they may well recognise immediately that they are being abused.

Take someone with a background of being abused, learning survival and coping mechanisms, lock them in a house with an abuser and they will revert straight to trying to protect themselves.

But no one gets suddenly locked into an abusive relationship. Its the Frog in Boiling Water example. You throw a frog into hot water, he will jump out immediately. Put him in cold water and heat it and he will stay a lot longer than he should.

Abusers pick victims, they dont start out showing their true colours. They use abusive tactics over time, isolation, making the victim think they deserve it, they normalise it. Denial is very strong, and so is fear.

I come from an abusive background and I would run a mile from a drinker or anything related to alcoholic abuse. But I have been in abusive relationships since that I did not realise were abusive because it was a different type of abuse.

What a fantastic explanation of abuse.
Couldn’t explain it better.

OP your to recognise that abuse occurs very slowly where the abuser tries to push boundaries little by little until over time they are gone.
The relationships start off lovely and healthy and the abusers learns their partners ticks and weaknesses which they will use against them little by little.

It’s only when you look back overs years can the victims start to see the extent of the damage done.

23-09-2020 2:19pm

Mad_maxx wrote: »

fair play to you but due to past abuse i spent far too much time on introspection and it did me nothing but harm , left me constantly second guessing

i firmly believe ignorance is bliss

I'd kind of agree with this..
Kind of similar happened to me..I'd spent years of the mindset that the unexamined life isn't worth living.. questioning everything, constantly trying to delve into my own motivations etc..
Then, yeah, others with questionable intentions started doing the same, and there wasn't enough of me for me to hold on to..

I think there's a lot to be said for ignorance being bliss now..

Tell me how · 23-09-2020 2:48pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd kind of agree with this..
Kind of similar happened to me..I'd spent years of the mindset that the unexamined life isn't worth living.. questioning everything, constantly trying to delve into my own motivations etc..
Then, yeah, others with questionable intentions started doing the same, and there wasn't enough of me for me to hold on to..

I think there's a lot to be said for ignorance being bliss now..

I think it depends on the impact which a prior event has had or continues to have on your quality of life. If it truly is in the past, and you have found a way to deal with it, (either through ignoring it, or whatever) then I would agree that there is no value in seeking to open up that episode.

But, if you suffer in areas of your life in your mood, or how you engage with others and have such an event in the background, I think that it would be worth exploring in the correct environment to determine if the solution to your problems could be helped be looking at the past.

A skilled and experienced therapist will know whether or not to focus on the past, or to focus on techniques to overcome uncomfortable modern day practices or tendencies.
If we think we have a stone in our shoe, we take it off and check, we don't just automatically walk with a limp and continue to do so.

Abuse

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