Friend thinks I'm loaded

LegacyUser · 01-06-2021 10:30am #1

I really hope this doesn't come across as a braggy post because it is not my intention at all.

I have a friend since childhood who's wife would be friendly with my wife. Both myself and my wife have masters in our respective careers and have worked hard to get to where we are. My friend has a good job but was impacted by covid & his hours decreased and his wife would be quite high up in her field too.

Myself and my wife love food and love to cook. We splurge on kitchen equipment & would have a good coffee machine/oven/bbqs etc. If we're not cooking we're eating out (prior to covid) but during covid we would get a meal kit maybe once every 3 weeks. Since we had our kids (3&2) we haven't gone on a holiday abroad.. When the kids are older we will but at the moment they are toddlers and just not a priority.

My friend would go on 5 holidays minimum a year. That's what they spend their money on and I have no issue with this. Even during covid they kept booking holidays, losing their money (or at aleast, still waiting on insurance to pay them). They have holidays booked for September/November and January already, at least 50% paid. They have two cars on finance. Two really nice cars, way better than what I have.

Now herein lies the problem. My friend & his wife (to my wife) have been making comments about it must be great being us being able to afford all our 'nice things' and almost making us feel guilty that they can't afford anything.

Nearly every time we're talking lately he brings up our meal kits, our bbq, anything we've spent money on. Constantly saying 'mad money, madness'. In our group chat with the lads we were organising drinks for when restrictions open and he said 'X is gonna pay for mine, sure he sh#ts money with all that crap he's buying'. Another one of our friends (who i hadn't mentioned this to) replied saying 'shut up Mr. Holiday'.

My wife in her spare time knits. She knit them a blanket when their daughter was born. His wife gushed about how fabulous it was. When we visited their house my wife spotted the blanket she had spent hours working on, ripped and in the dogs bed. It was clear they had given the blanket to the dog. When her second baby was due she asked my wife constantly for a new blanket. My wife kept saying she was too busy and said sure just give the new baby the one i made already, pass it down. She said she wanted them to have matching ones. She really would not let it go. My wife eventually said 'I can't make it but this lady on instagram will make it and she's very reasonably priced at 50e'. His wife then scoffed and said you hardly expect me to spend 50e on a handmade blanket when I can get something similar in Pennys for 1/3 of the price. My wife had spent more than 50e on the materials alone. My friend text me a few days later saying "50e for a blanket? jesus who'd have that. That's robbery, can your wife not make it or at least buy the blanket for her as a gift for the baby, she really wants it & you've plenty of money". I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say.

When our kids were born they didn't buy us a present. They told us they did but it never appeared. This happens on every birthday. "Oh i'll drop that present over" and it never comes. Up until this year I would buy his kids something but stopped.

He recently asked me for a recommendation for a coffee machine. They would go to their local coffee place at least twice a day. I would guess a coffee is 3.50 so that 14e per day on coffee. When I sent him the link to the one I bought that was around 400e he scoffed and said 'we're not all money bags like you'. The logic of saving money by not going out to get coffee every day and making coffee at home was lost on him. I understand that not everyone wants to make coffee at home but he specifically asked me for a recommendation so he wouldn't have to go out and make coffee. Also, I wasn't forcing him to buy it, I just said it was the one that I bought since both myself and my wife now work from home and enjoy coffee.

We are not loaded by any means, we just spend our money on what we enjoy. I don't get anything out of the friendship anymore because I feel tired listening to him complain about what we spend our money on but it seems sad to throw away a childhood friendship over something so stupid.

HalloweenJack · 01-06-2021 11:26am

Time to put some distance between yourselves. You said yourself you don't get anything out of it anymore. If you don't want to confront them about it, I think you are doing well by ignoring them and redirecting them. Personally, I'd be telling them to mind their own business.

The attitude your friend has is one I've encountered among people who can't handle their money and don't understand how others do. Their only explanation is that you must be loaded and it gives them a focus point for their anger. That way they don't have to face up to the fact that they are wasting their money.

You shouldn't be made to feel bad about it, it doesn't come across as if you're rubbing it in people's faces and you have every right to enjoy what you've earned.

HildaOgdenx · 01-06-2021 11:56am

'I don't get anything out of the friendship anymore because I feel tired listening to him complain about what we spend our money on but it seems sad to throw away a childhood friendship over something so stupid.'

Just read that part back to yourself, OP. Especially the bolded bit.
Friendships change, and sometimes drift for various reasons. They are not really friends anymore, are they? The blanket being given to the dog, and then demanding a new one...:eek: fair play to your wife. Her reply was spot on.
The friend who replied saying 'shut up Mr Holiday' was also spot on. Others obviously have seen through their nonsense.

I know it's a cliche but there's drains and radiators in all of our lives, whether they are family members, colleagues or friends. When you realise that someone is simply a drain, it's time to let them go.

Back away gradually or drop them like a stone, the choice is yours.

Panthro · 01-06-2021 12:57pm

He sounds like a knobhead, why would you be bothered.
Distance distance distance, stay in touch with people you actually like.

Jequ0n · 01-06-2021 1:03pm

I’d keep up the contact just to exploit their insecurities and have some fun on their expense.

01-06-2021 1:10pm

I'm not sure why you don't say anything to him?
When he talks about what you spend your money on, why don't you point out what he spends his money on?
Or on the baby blanket, why not just tell him that your wife isn't going to spend over 50 euro on wool, for the dog to have a blanket?

Perhaps you're not really very close friends? If you were you could surely say these things to him?
Just start to fade him out as best you can.

qwerty13 · 01-06-2021 1:12pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

I’d keep up the contact just to exploit their insecurities and have some fun on their expense.

I was about to post that I’d be retreating from the (moany, childish and entitled) friendship - but the above made me crack up

. But to be a little more serious about it, I guess if you can’t avoid these bitter eejits due to friend groups, it might help to think of it as them just displaying their insecurities - and if they’re wrecking your head, a little fun with it might be no harm

L'prof · 01-06-2021 1:21pm

Everybody ribs their friends about money and stuff but this genuinely sounds like there’s some kind of resentment there. They seem to be a lot more frivolous with their money than ye are but regardless of that I’d seriously be questioning your relationship with them. It’s one thing to make comments but quite another that they seem to expects things from you

YellowLead · 01-06-2021 1:46pm

I’m sorry but they sound like awful people. Unlike family, you don’t have to put up and shut up

qwerty13 · 01-06-2021 2:46pm

FWIW OP, I too like my coffee, but couldn’t justify to myself buying a good machine to use only on weekends. When they announced the original lockdown, and no one knew when things would be back to normal (insert hollow laugh here!), I spent 450 on a coffee machine. Which has well ‘paid for itself’ ages ago.

Anyway, your so-called friend reminds me of one of those bitter gits in a pub that no-one wants to get stuck talking to. Someone who constantly says “oh it’s alright for you”. Well balanced with a chip on both shoulders. I say cut him and his pushy missus loose.

PS: I forgot to say that maybe you’ve outgrown this moan-bag years ago, but have kept up the friendship out of loyalty because you were childhood friends. Sod that. Let him gripe into someone else’s ear - and the way another friend referred to him as ‘Mr Holiday’ makes me think that others in your group are well aware of the Muppet that he is.

Hannibal_Smith · 01-06-2021 4:20pm

At the end of the day, what are himself and the wife bringing to the table friendship wise? Would it be that much of a loss of they weren't around? They seem just hell bent on bursting your bubble.

First thing is, I wouldn't let it bother me. I know that's hard, but it really is not your problem and you're not doing anything wrong. Second thing is I would say something everytime he does. Just something small like, We all spend our money in different ways I suppose. There's no point sinking to his level and getting into a sniping match over it because people like him always have an answer for everything! I certainly wouldn't be heart broken if the friendship dwindled if I was you, it doesn't sound like any great craic!

Daisy78 · 01-06-2021 5:06pm

Your post reminds me of the saying a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. If your friends wife cherished that blanket as much as they say they would have kept it for their next child. She seems to be equating it to something picked up in a Penney’s bargain bin and doesn’t appreciate the effort your wife put into it. And your man has a brass neck demanding a second one.

People, in particular Irish people can have a funny attitude to money and how it’s spent. There is an innate discomfort in observing other peoples “wealth” or at least what is perceived to be wealth. You often see this in the comments section of the money diary features that some media outlets run, there can be a general consensus of “tis well for some spending that kind of money on (insert car/clothes/resteraunts/etc)” even if the individual in question is on a good wage and can afford it. Yet those same people might spend an equivalent fortune going to the pub every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. It probably doesn’t even occur to your friend that they are as ostentatious in their spending if not more so with their multiple holidays every year. The text message demanding the blanket would be enough to put me off this guy and his wife for good but I suppose you wouldn’t have posted here if you weren’t at least trying to salvage something from the friendship. Have you thought about talking directly to him about this? If you are good friends you should be able to have a frank discussion about it, at least it would allow you to get it off your chest? It sounds like insecurity is at the root of this but it doesn’t give your friend the right to act in such an arseholey way. I think the best time would have been to raise it when he mentioned the blanket but that moment has passed now. The next time he makes the “moneybags” comment would you not challenge him on it? It might be easier to cut contact altogether but his behaviour would have annoyed me so much that I would at least want to have it out with him first. You have nothing to lose.

MissShihTzu · 01-06-2021 5:36pm

I know someone like this too, OP. Years ago, my husband and I were both unemployed. But we still invited them over Christmases and evenings at ours as we liked their company and always tried to make a nice evening for them.

This particular Christmas, we were so poor, we couldn't even buy each other a present! I made most of the gifts by knitting them. They came over showing off their designer gear, including a nice handbag for her without a hint of self awareness. We don't resent them their nice things - they've worked hard for them. My mother always taught me - Never look at what people have. You don't know how they came by them.

Few years later - we're both working and able to buy a few bits and take holidays. The first few weeks I was at my job, I was buying a lot of clothes and shoes as needed a new wardrobe. Every time I saw the wife -'Oh that's new Why are you buying so much new stuff?' 'Where are you getting the money from for all this stuff?'

In the end, I got p1ssed off, and told her I got the money selling drugs! That shut her up quick smart. The next smart remark - Am I spending your money?? She got the hint after that...

Maybe try something like that, the next crack? Or ask him if he's your bank manager...

Airyfairy12 · 01-06-2021 10:16pm

They sound entitled and jealous! OP you know what to do here, back off from this 'friendship' if you'd even call it that! It has run its course and its become toxic.
Back off now when you can still be civil to each other, who knows maybe they will realise there errors and come back into your lives at a later time and you can have a healthier & fulfilling friendship, as it is its causing you stress and no friendship is worth that imo!

zoobizoo · 01-06-2021 10:59pm

" can your wife not make it or at least buy the blanket for her as a gift for the baby, she really wants it & you've plenty of money". I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say"

Well, here is the problem... You are allowing him speak to you like that without challenging him.

What did you want to say?

I have very wealthy friends.... I have never, ever, mentioned their wealth to them. I've never commented on their expenditure other than to say "lovely house", "nice car", "holiday sounds great,", "cool jacket".

I can only presume this guy says it because he's jealous of your perceived wealth.

If you guys were good friends, the blanket would have been treated with respect, they wouldn't be asking you to buy them something and they wouldn't be bringing up your apparent wealth constantly.

You could respond with "X saw the last blanket she spent €x00 on for materials and 40 hours her time under your dog on her last visit. With that in mind she has no motivation to knit another".

Put it back on him.

LegacyUser · 01-06-2021 11:25pm

OP, the part about the blanket really ground my gears. I have a friend who knits blankets or patchwork quilts for babies as gifts and the amount of skill and time they take is admirable. Not to mention the material costs.
It's such a pity that day that you or your wife didn't comment on it being in the dog bed, even in a sarcastic way. Just so they knew you saw it. But to be honest, they must be dim not to even hide it before ye got to their house!
Money can cause tensions in friendships. I has friend who is obsessed by money. In fairness, she is a good entrepreneur, she could make money from a paper bag if she had nothing else.
But, she constantly tells me in graphic details how much she earns, what little side project she's running to earn extra, how much the OH earns and how much they're spending on the house/car/hobby etc.
We could be sitting around in her house,me not after seeing her for months and instead of asking about my life, she'll start a conversation to her OH about what they've recently spent.
I have a modest income, am very happy in my life and even if I earned a million a year, there's no way in hell I'd be telling anyone, it's just crass.
We've gradually pulled away from each other, speak occasionally and due to Covid haven't seen each other in yonks.
I'd do like someone suggested, pull away gradually not to cause a rift in the wider group but these people bring no value to your life OP.

Purple Mountain · 02-06-2021 12:12am

Jequ0n wrote: »

I’d keep up the contact just to exploit their insecurities and have some fun on their expense.

..starting with.. if he asks again about the blanket, tell him your wife needs to borrow the first one back to refresh herself on how she stitched the corners.

retro:electro · 02-06-2021 12:26am

“My friend text me a few days later saying "50e for a blanket? jesus who'd have that. That's robbery, can your wife not make it or at least buy the blanket for her as a gift for the baby, she really wants it & you've plenty of money"

I’m actually embarrassed for him after reading that. Who speaks to people like that, placing demands? I’d have cut the pair of them out a long time ago and blocked them on WhatsApp, and not felt one bit bad about it. Pair of geebags.

rtron · 02-06-2021 2:01am

It's hard to give advise here.

Does your friend think you are loaded?
If so then it's no harm in ribbing him about his holidays.

Holidays are short and easily forgotten, but material things are as good as long as they are useful for.

Or
Does your friend think you waste money on the items you buy?
Then it's none of his business, but if he's genuinely concerned tell him your a big boy and know what your doing.

Or is there more to it
Is your friend jealous you can afford these items whilst his money is tied up in holidays and cars?

This questions is important because you want to save your friendship. It could be that he is in financially difficult loop of going on holiday, get back, order next holiday. Then have no disposable income for nice things at home, or going for pints. Then stressing about other necessities?

You could help him realize buying a few nice things for the house during the year is like a holiday of sorts, helps with the monotony of everyday life and saves money in comparison.
He might learn something by the sounds of it.

02-06-2021 2:27am

MissShihTzu wrote: »

They came over showing off their designer gear, including a nice handbag for her without a hint of self awareness.

This is the most Irish thing I've ever read.

ClosedAccountFuzzy · 02-06-2021 2:31am

Social distancing has its positive points. I’d suggest you apply it and let it fizzle out.

Honestly, there are some people who just have toxic attitudes and you’re not going to be able to fix or adjust to them. It can sometimes be time to just move on.

02-06-2021 2:33am

They sound horrible, but you're letting them away with too much, to the point now where a lot of damage has been done. The request for a second blanket in particular should have been met with asking them if they're getting a new dog.

Start firing back and it might save the friendship by making them realise their behaviour. Otherwise just leave it and move onto better people. The people we grow up with are rarely the best we can find.

Rubberchikken · 02-06-2021 2:37am

Tbh Op I think they sound like hard work.
I don't like begrudgery and I hate meaness. And these people seem to have it in spades.

If they not adding anything positive to your lives then maybe it's time for new friends.

Good luck

osarusan · 02-06-2021 8:55am

You can bring the friendship to a slow end by ignoring them, or to a quick end by telling them to f**k off and why.

Or, if you want to salvage the friendship, you can have a difficult conversation about how they are crossing lines and you'd like it to stop.

Keyzer · 02-06-2021 9:39am

I'd tell him out straight that you're sick and tired of him saying this **** to you, its your money and you can spend it whatever way you want to. Do this verbally not in a whatsapp.

Give him an example - the coffee, if he spent €400 on the coffee machine it would pay for itself within 6 weeks based on €14 a day on coffee.

If he doesn't stop, put some distance between you.

retro:electro · 02-06-2021 10:51am

It sounds like they’re both taking the piss out if you if I’m honest. Demanding your wife make blankets that they give to the dog, saying they’ll drop over ‘those’ presents for the kids and never following through, ridiculing you and what you choose to spend your money on in front of others, asking you for coffee machine recommendations and then mocking your choice. They’re laughing at you and you’re too nice to see it.
Seriously this friendship ended a long time ago. Cut the cord and don’t look back. They’re toxic, possibly jealous, unhappy in themselves and nobody got time for that.

02-06-2021 10:55am

Im failing to see the problem here, throw some serious distance between you and this lad and never think of it again

Neyite · 02-06-2021 11:44am

I do stuff like your wife does and I learned the hard way NEVER to make a blanket for dickheads who think 'it's just a blanket and you can get them in Pennys for a fiver" I will only ever make stuff now for people who respect the effort that goes into it.

By the time you buy the yarn for a baby blanket it's going to cost you upwards of 50 quid. That's not counting the hours it takes to knit. Crafting is always the dearer option. Same with sewing - a baby quilt could cost up to 50 in fabric alone. A double quilt can cost hundreds. Giving it to the dog to lie on is an absolute kick in the teeth for your wife.

I remember someone looking at my shopping and going "oh, I wish we had the kind of money to be buying avocados" I just laughed right in her face and pointed out that if she hadn't bought the Karen Millen dress that very week she had the money for a wheelbarrow of avocados. It shut her up.

I'd call this guy straight out. You spend your money on kitchen stuff, they spend it on holidays. If it goes nuclear and they end the friendship over you calling them out on their behaviour, so be it, they aren't bringing anything to your life, and sneer at you and judge you both. Nobody needs that.

jimgoose · 02-06-2021 11:54am

He's an idiot and she's a conniving, tight-fisted hellbitch. They're both arseholes. Dump 'em.

Buddy Bubs · 02-06-2021 12:00pm

I'd just cut him loose and not engage if you get nothing from the friendship. I've 1 or 2 friends go on like that a bit, very annoying.

One of the wives passed a comment once saying the supermarket I shop in is very expensive, would I not consider shopping in the cheaper one...

I told her weekly shopping bill isn't a big deal to me and I've plenty of money to shop where I like.
Also mentioned my audi a few times about being posh car, I love telling her I bought it for cash, which I did. Mouth drops.
They have a 212 Hyundai Tucson ready for delivery in July, 40 grand or something.
Dearer than I paid for my audi anyway.

But generally just ignore

MissShihTzu · 02-06-2021 2:41pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

This is the most Irish thing I've ever read.

Just as well I'm English, huh? What I should have said was the fact they were pointing out what they gave each other for Christmas. But I didn't think that was necessary as most people seemed to understand what I meant.

Except for you.

Friend thinks I'm loaded

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