Friend thinks I'm loaded

LegacyUser

I really hope this doesn't come across as a braggy post because it is not my intention at all.

I have a friend since childhood who's wife would be friendly with my wife. Both myself and my wife have masters in our respective careers and have worked hard to get to where we are. My friend has a good job but was impacted by covid & his hours decreased and his wife would be quite high up in her field too.

Myself and my wife love food and love to cook. We splurge on kitchen equipment & would have a good coffee machine/oven/bbqs etc. If we're not cooking we're eating out (prior to covid) but during covid we would get a meal kit maybe once every 3 weeks. Since we had our kids (3&2) we haven't gone on a holiday abroad.. When the kids are older we will but at the moment they are toddlers and just not a priority.

My friend would go on 5 holidays minimum a year. That's what they spend their money on and I have no issue with this. Even during covid they kept booking holidays, losing their money (or at aleast, still waiting on insurance to pay them). They have holidays booked for September/November and January already, at least 50% paid. They have two cars on finance. Two really nice cars, way better than what I have.

Now herein lies the problem. My friend & his wife (to my wife) have been making comments about it must be great being us being able to afford all our 'nice things' and almost making us feel guilty that they can't afford anything.

Nearly every time we're talking lately he brings up our meal kits, our bbq, anything we've spent money on. Constantly saying 'mad money, madness'. In our group chat with the lads we were organising drinks for when restrictions open and he said 'X is gonna pay for mine, sure he sh#ts money with all that crap he's buying'. Another one of our friends (who i hadn't mentioned this to) replied saying 'shut up Mr. Holiday'.

My wife in her spare time knits. She knit them a blanket when their daughter was born. His wife gushed about how fabulous it was. When we visited their house my wife spotted the blanket she had spent hours working on, ripped and in the dogs bed. It was clear they had given the blanket to the dog. When her second baby was due she asked my wife constantly for a new blanket. My wife kept saying she was too busy and said sure just give the new baby the one i made already, pass it down. She said she wanted them to have matching ones. She really would not let it go. My wife eventually said 'I can't make it but this lady on instagram will make it and she's very reasonably priced at 50e'. His wife then scoffed and said you hardly expect me to spend 50e on a handmade blanket when I can get something similar in Pennys for 1/3 of the price. My wife had spent more than 50e on the materials alone. My friend text me a few days later saying "50e for a blanket? jesus who'd have that. That's robbery, can your wife not make it or at least buy the blanket for her as a gift for the baby, she really wants it & you've plenty of money". I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say.

When our kids were born they didn't buy us a present. They told us they did but it never appeared. This happens on every birthday. "Oh i'll drop that present over" and it never comes. Up until this year I would buy his kids something but stopped.

He recently asked me for a recommendation for a coffee machine. They would go to their local coffee place at least twice a day. I would guess a coffee is 3.50 so that 14e per day on coffee. When I sent him the link to the one I bought that was around 400e he scoffed and said 'we're not all money bags like you'. The logic of saving money by not going out to get coffee every day and making coffee at home was lost on him. I understand that not everyone wants to make coffee at home but he specifically asked me for a recommendation so he wouldn't have to go out and make coffee. Also, I wasn't forcing him to buy it, I just said it was the one that I bought since both myself and my wife now work from home and enjoy coffee.

We are not loaded by any means, we just spend our money on what we enjoy. I don't get anything out of the friendship anymore because I feel tired listening to him complain about what we spend our money on but it seems sad to throw away a childhood friendship over something so stupid.

HalloweenJack

Time to put some distance between yourselves. You said yourself you don't get anything out of it anymore. If you don't want to confront them about it, I think you are doing well by ignoring them and redirecting them. Personally, I'd be telling them to mind their own business.

The attitude your friend has is one I've encountered among people who can't handle their money and don't understand how others do. Their only explanation is that you must be loaded and it gives them a focus point for their anger. That way they don't have to face up to the fact that they are wasting their money.

You shouldn't be made to feel bad about it, it doesn't come across as if you're rubbing it in people's faces and you have every right to enjoy what you've earned.

HildaOgdenx

'I don't get anything out of the friendship anymore because I feel tired listening to him complain about what we spend our money on but it seems sad to throw away a childhood friendship over something so stupid.'

Just read that part back to yourself, OP. Especially the bolded bit.
Friendships change, and sometimes drift for various reasons. They are not really friends anymore, are they? The blanket being given to the dog, and then demanding a new one...:eek: fair play to your wife. Her reply was spot on.
The friend who replied saying 'shut up Mr Holiday' was also spot on. Others obviously have seen through their nonsense.

I know it's a cliche but there's drains and radiators in all of our lives, whether they are family members, colleagues or friends. When you realise that someone is simply a drain, it's time to let them go.

Back away gradually or drop them like a stone, the choice is yours.

Panthro

He sounds like a knobhead, why would you be bothered.
Distance distance distance, stay in touch with people you actually like.

Jequ0n

I’d keep up the contact just to exploit their insecurities and have some fun on their expense.

I'm not sure why you don't say anything to him?
When he talks about what you spend your money on, why don't you point out what he spends his money on?
Or on the baby blanket, why not just tell him that your wife isn't going to spend over 50 euro on wool, for the dog to have a blanket?

Perhaps you're not really very close friends? If you were you could surely say these things to him?
Just start to fade him out as best you can.

qwerty13

Jequ0n wrote: »

I’d keep up the contact just to exploit their insecurities and have some fun on their expense.

I was about to post that I’d be retreating from the (moany, childish and entitled) friendship - but the above made me crack up . But to be a little more serious about it, I guess if you can’t avoid these bitter eejits due to friend groups, it might help to think of it as them just displaying their insecurities - and if they’re wrecking your head, a little fun with it might be no harm

L'prof

Everybody ribs their friends about money and stuff but this genuinely sounds like there’s some kind of resentment there. They seem to be a lot more frivolous with their money than ye are but regardless of that I’d seriously be questioning your relationship with them. It’s one thing to make comments but quite another that they seem to expects things from you

YellowLead

I’m sorry but they sound like awful people. Unlike family, you don’t have to put up and shut up

qwerty13

FWIW OP, I too like my coffee, but couldn’t justify to myself buying a good machine to use only on weekends. When they announced the original lockdown, and no one knew when things would be back to normal (insert hollow laugh here!), I spent 450 on a coffee machine. Which has well ‘paid for itself’ ages ago.

Anyway, your so-called friend reminds me of one of those bitter gits in a pub that no-one wants to get stuck talking to. Someone who constantly says “oh it’s alright for you”. Well balanced with a chip on both shoulders. I say cut him and his pushy missus loose.

PS: I forgot to say that maybe you’ve outgrown this moan-bag years ago, but have kept up the friendship out of loyalty because you were childhood friends. Sod that. Let him gripe into someone else’s ear - and the way another friend referred to him as ‘Mr Holiday’ makes me think that others in your group are well aware of the Muppet that he is.

Hannibal_Smith

At the end of the day, what are himself and the wife bringing to the table friendship wise? Would it be that much of a loss of they weren't around? They seem just hell bent on bursting your bubble.

First thing is, I wouldn't let it bother me. I know that's hard, but it really is not your problem and you're not doing anything wrong. Second thing is I would say something everytime he does. Just something small like, We all spend our money in different ways I suppose. There's no point sinking to his level and getting into a sniping match over it because people like him always have an answer for everything! I certainly wouldn't be heart broken if the friendship dwindled if I was you, it doesn't sound like any great craic!

Daisy78

Your post reminds me of the saying a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. If your friends wife cherished that blanket as much as they say they would have kept it for their next child. She seems to be equating it to something picked up in a Penney’s bargain bin and doesn’t appreciate the effort your wife put into it. And your man has a brass neck demanding a second one.

People, in particular Irish people can have a funny attitude to money and how it’s spent. There is an innate discomfort in observing other peoples “wealth” or at least what is perceived to be wealth. You often see this in the comments section of the money diary features that some media outlets run, there can be a general consensus of “tis well for some spending that kind of money on (insert car/clothes/resteraunts/etc)” even if the individual in question is on a good wage and can afford it. Yet those same people might spend an equivalent fortune going to the pub every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. It probably doesn’t even occur to your friend that they are as ostentatious in their spending if not more so with their multiple holidays every year. The text message demanding the blanket would be enough to put me off this guy and his wife for good but I suppose you wouldn’t have posted here if you weren’t at least trying to salvage something from the friendship. Have you thought about talking directly to him about this? If you are good friends you should be able to have a frank discussion about it, at least it would allow you to get it off your chest? It sounds like insecurity is at the root of this but it doesn’t give your friend the right to act in such an arseholey way. I think the best time would have been to raise it when he mentioned the blanket but that moment has passed now. The next time he makes the “moneybags” comment would you not challenge him on it? It might be easier to cut contact altogether but his behaviour would have annoyed me so much that I would at least want to have it out with him first. You have nothing to lose.

MissShihTzu

I know someone like this too, OP. Years ago, my husband and I were both unemployed. But we still invited them over Christmases and evenings at ours as we liked their company and always tried to make a nice evening for them.

This particular Christmas, we were so poor, we couldn't even buy each other a present! I made most of the gifts by knitting them. They came over showing off their designer gear, including a nice handbag for her without a hint of self awareness. We don't resent them their nice things - they've worked hard for them. My mother always taught me - Never look at what people have. You don't know how they came by them.

Few years later - we're both working and able to buy a few bits and take holidays. The first few weeks I was at my job, I was buying a lot of clothes and shoes as needed a new wardrobe. Every time I saw the wife -'Oh that's new Why are you buying so much new stuff?' 'Where are you getting the money from for all this stuff?'

In the end, I got p1ssed off, and told her I got the money selling drugs! That shut her up quick smart. The next smart remark - Am I spending your money?? She got the hint after that...

Maybe try something like that, the next crack? Or ask him if he's your bank manager...

Airyfairy12

They sound entitled and jealous! OP you know what to do here, back off from this 'friendship' if you'd even call it that! It has run its course and its become toxic.
Back off now when you can still be civil to each other, who knows maybe they will realise there errors and come back into your lives at a later time and you can have a healthier & fulfilling friendship, as it is its causing you stress and no friendship is worth that imo!

zoobizoo

" can your wife not make it or at least buy the blanket for her as a gift for the baby, she really wants it & you've plenty of money". I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say"

Well, here is the problem... You are allowing him speak to you like that without challenging him.

What did you want to say?

I have very wealthy friends.... I have never, ever, mentioned their wealth to them. I've never commented on their expenditure other than to say "lovely house", "nice car", "holiday sounds great,", "cool jacket".

I can only presume this guy says it because he's jealous of your perceived wealth.

If you guys were good friends, the blanket would have been treated with respect, they wouldn't be asking you to buy them something and they wouldn't be bringing up your apparent wealth constantly.

You could respond with "X saw the last blanket she spent €x00 on for materials and 40 hours her time under your dog on her last visit. With that in mind she has no motivation to knit another".

Put it back on him.

LegacyUser

OP, the part about the blanket really ground my gears. I have a friend who knits blankets or patchwork quilts for babies as gifts and the amount of skill and time they take is admirable. Not to mention the material costs.
It's such a pity that day that you or your wife didn't comment on it being in the dog bed, even in a sarcastic way. Just so they knew you saw it. But to be honest, they must be dim not to even hide it before ye got to their house!
Money can cause tensions in friendships. I has friend who is obsessed by money. In fairness, she is a good entrepreneur, she could make money from a paper bag if she had nothing else.
But, she constantly tells me in graphic details how much she earns, what little side project she's running to earn extra, how much the OH earns and how much they're spending on the house/car/hobby etc.
We could be sitting around in her house,me not after seeing her for months and instead of asking about my life, she'll start a conversation to her OH about what they've recently spent.
I have a modest income, am very happy in my life and even if I earned a million a year, there's no way in hell I'd be telling anyone, it's just crass.
We've gradually pulled away from each other, speak occasionally and due to Covid haven't seen each other in yonks.
I'd do like someone suggested, pull away gradually not to cause a rift in the wider group but these people bring no value to your life OP.

Purple Mountain

Jequ0n wrote: »

I’d keep up the contact just to exploit their insecurities and have some fun on their expense.

..starting with.. if he asks again about the blanket, tell him your wife needs to borrow the first one back to refresh herself on how she stitched the corners.

retro:electro

“My friend text me a few days later saying "50e for a blanket? jesus who'd have that. That's robbery, can your wife not make it or at least buy the blanket for her as a gift for the baby, she really wants it & you've plenty of money"

I’m actually embarrassed for him after reading that. Who speaks to people like that, placing demands? I’d have cut the pair of them out a long time ago and blocked them on WhatsApp, and not felt one bit bad about it. Pair of geebags.

rtron

It's hard to give advise here.

Does your friend think you are loaded?
If so then it's no harm in ribbing him about his holidays.

Holidays are short and easily forgotten, but material things are as good as long as they are useful for.

Or
Does your friend think you waste money on the items you buy?
Then it's none of his business, but if he's genuinely concerned tell him your a big boy and know what your doing.

Or is there more to it
Is your friend jealous you can afford these items whilst his money is tied up in holidays and cars?

This questions is important because you want to save your friendship. It could be that he is in financially difficult loop of going on holiday, get back, order next holiday. Then have no disposable income for nice things at home, or going for pints. Then stressing about other necessities?

You could help him realize buying a few nice things for the house during the year is like a holiday of sorts, helps with the monotony of everyday life and saves money in comparison.
He might learn something by the sounds of it.

MissShihTzu

MissShihTzu wrote: »

They came over showing off their designer gear, including a nice handbag for her without a hint of self awareness.

This is the most Irish thing I've ever read.

ClosedAccountFuzzy

Social distancing has its positive points. I’d suggest you apply it and let it fizzle out.

Honestly, there are some people who just have toxic attitudes and you’re not going to be able to fix or adjust to them. It can sometimes be time to just move on.

They sound horrible, but you're letting them away with too much, to the point now where a lot of damage has been done. The request for a second blanket in particular should have been met with asking them if they're getting a new dog.

Start firing back and it might save the friendship by making them realise their behaviour. Otherwise just leave it and move onto better people. The people we grow up with are rarely the best we can find.

Rubberchikken

Tbh Op I think they sound like hard work.
I don't like begrudgery and I hate meaness. And these people seem to have it in spades.

If they not adding anything positive to your lives then maybe it's time for new friends.

Good luck

osarusan

You can bring the friendship to a slow end by ignoring them, or to a quick end by telling them to f**k off and why.

Or, if you want to salvage the friendship, you can have a difficult conversation about how they are crossing lines and you'd like it to stop.

Keyzer

I'd tell him out straight that you're sick and tired of him saying this **** to you, its your money and you can spend it whatever way you want to. Do this verbally not in a whatsapp.

Give him an example - the coffee, if he spent €400 on the coffee machine it would pay for itself within 6 weeks based on €14 a day on coffee.

If he doesn't stop, put some distance between you.

retro:electro

It sounds like they’re both taking the piss out if you if I’m honest. Demanding your wife make blankets that they give to the dog, saying they’ll drop over ‘those’ presents for the kids and never following through, ridiculing you and what you choose to spend your money on in front of others, asking you for coffee machine recommendations and then mocking your choice. They’re laughing at you and you’re too nice to see it.
Seriously this friendship ended a long time ago. Cut the cord and don’t look back. They’re toxic, possibly jealous, unhappy in themselves and nobody got time for that.

Im failing to see the problem here, throw some serious distance between you and this lad and never think of it again

Neyite

I do stuff like your wife does and I learned the hard way NEVER to make a blanket for dickheads who think 'it's just a blanket and you can get them in Pennys for a fiver" I will only ever make stuff now for people who respect the effort that goes into it.

By the time you buy the yarn for a baby blanket it's going to cost you upwards of 50 quid. That's not counting the hours it takes to knit. Crafting is always the dearer option. Same with sewing - a baby quilt could cost up to 50 in fabric alone. A double quilt can cost hundreds. Giving it to the dog to lie on is an absolute kick in the teeth for your wife.

I remember someone looking at my shopping and going "oh, I wish we had the kind of money to be buying avocados" I just laughed right in her face and pointed out that if she hadn't bought the Karen Millen dress that very week she had the money for a wheelbarrow of avocados. It shut her up.

I'd call this guy straight out. You spend your money on kitchen stuff, they spend it on holidays. If it goes nuclear and they end the friendship over you calling them out on their behaviour, so be it, they aren't bringing anything to your life, and sneer at you and judge you both. Nobody needs that.

jimgoose

He's an idiot and she's a conniving, tight-fisted hellbitch. They're both arseholes. Dump 'em.

Buddy Bubs

I'd just cut him loose and not engage if you get nothing from the friendship. I've 1 or 2 friends go on like that a bit, very annoying.

One of the wives passed a comment once saying the supermarket I shop in is very expensive, would I not consider shopping in the cheaper one...

I told her weekly shopping bill isn't a big deal to me and I've plenty of money to shop where I like.
Also mentioned my audi a few times about being posh car, I love telling her I bought it for cash, which I did. Mouth drops.
They have a 212 Hyundai Tucson ready for delivery in July, 40 grand or something.
Dearer than I paid for my audi anyway.

But generally just ignore

MissShihTzu

[Deleted User] wrote: »

This is the most Irish thing I've ever read.

Just as well I'm English, huh? What I should have said was the fact they were pointing out what they gave each other for Christmas. But I didn't think that was necessary as most people seemed to understand what I meant.

Except for you.

Big Bag of Chips

Why are you still friends with these people? Why are you in regular enough contact with them that they feel entitled to be asking your wife to provide another blanket for their dog's bed? I'm sure you have had friends and other people in your life who you've drifted away from and lost/stopped contact with over time. I think it's time to add another 2 people to that list.

mr.anonymous

Some of that stuff would be a great hit with the Stingy thread in AH.

What I notice is that you spend your hard earned money on things to enjoy (food, coffee etc). The friend seems to spend on ostentatious things like flash holidays and cars. He might appear jealous of the money but I'd say that underneath there's jealousy about the meaning and purpose your purchases give you.

As others are suggesting, give as good as you get.

seenitall

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Just as well I'm English, huh? What I should have said was the fact they were pointing out what they gave each other for Christmas. But I didn't think that was necessary as most people seemed to understand what I meant.

Except for you.

I’d say Ads probably meant your one with the designer bag sounds very Irish, not you.

Lots of excellent advice on this thread, I’ll keep it in mind myself if I ever get “friends” like the OP’s. Good luck, OP!

LegacyUser

It's okay to move on from a friendship.

The fact that it's a long term friendship doesn't change that. Long term friends do get a bit more leeway, and we are more likely to look past the odd thing that would make us step away from a new or potential friendship.

However, both parties still have to bring something to the table. The 'cash in the bank' from years ago in a friendship should not be used to give one party free rein. And if one person is repeatedly being snide like in this instance, then it might be best to bring that pattern to a close.

Stepping back and withdrawing is one option. Personally, I would only do so after tackling the issue head on first. Next time a comment is made I would not let it go, let him know you're getting real fed up of his comments on that topic, tell him if he has something to say that he should just say it, and finish by letting him know he needs to drop it.

The guy could just be so self absorbed that it is all just stemming from a woe is me mentality and he mightn't even realise how irritating this is for you. Sometimes you need to be very direct with people like that. Next time, don't let him off the hook. You'll learn what kind of a friend he is (good, bad or in between) by how he responds.

Mad_maxx

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Time to put some distance between yourselves. You said yourself you don't get anything out of it anymore. If you don't want to confront them about it, I think you are doing well by ignoring them and redirecting them. Personally, I'd be telling them to mind their own business.

The attitude your friend has is one I've encountered among people who can't handle their money and don't understand how others do. Their only explanation is that you must be loaded and it gives them a focus point for their anger. That way they don't have to face up to the fact that they are wasting their money.

You shouldn't be made to feel bad about it, it doesn't come across as if you're rubbing it in people's faces and you have every right to enjoy what you've earned.

perfectly put

my mother law was up visiting this week and showing off her ninety euro boots , she bought them recently and buys at least four pairs of footwear at that kind of money per year

same woman always playing the poormouth and how she cant afford A,B and C

uttering noise like " its ok for the rich " etc

those kind of people lack personal responsibility

Aglomerado

I had a friend like that, but the digs were about jobs, specifically my entry level management job at the time.

This friend never held a job down for longer than a year at a time. Her wealthy farmer dad bought her a four bedroom house, and made her rent out rooms. When we would get together she would always have some remark about my job, "Big responsibility" "Very Important" while she was on the dole at the time.

I had no house of my own back then but I saw how she treated our other friends at their houses. If asked to stay for dinner she would set one place at the table, for herself, instead of helping to set the table for everyone.

Another time we both stayed over at a friend's (A) house and the following morning A and her husband and kids were getting ready to visit family a good distance away. I got up, had a coffee with them and said I would get out of their way as they had a lot of packing and organising to do. As I was leaving, the other girl came downstairs in a long dressing gown, hair in a towel, made herself a cup of tea, grabbed a magazine off the rack and took herself back up to bed! A's husband almost had a stroke!

Having seen this, I started to cut her loose as I was getting ready to buy my own place and I didn't want to be treated like this. She doesn't drive/ own a car and my place is not easy to get to by bus so I wasn't going to be ferrying her around. Friend A is also no longer in contact with her.

The last time I saw her was 2010 and the atmosphere was decidedly icy!


Anyway, OP, if a friend is making you feel like this, cut them loose. Cultivate friendships that make you feel good and supported whatever your status in life.

Floricwil

Purple Mountain wrote: »

..starting with.. if he asks again about the blanket, tell him your wife needs to borrow the first one back to refresh herself on how she stitched the corners.

I like this idea!!!

grames_bond

I had a friend comment on what I spent my money on a while back. Was an (admittedly) expensive coffee grinder. I love coffee so the purchase made sense to me, but wouldn't to others - I have no issue with this nor do I feel bad for the money I spent.

My friend however kept commenting on it, laughing at the cost of spending that much "only on a grinder", laughing if I was deciding between 2 other things based on price ("ah yeah - you nit pick here but a grinder is fine") etc etc.

Came to a head and I told him in no uncertain terms to stop talking about money or referencing what I spend my own hard earned money on, it's none of his business in the slightest. I do what I want to do for me and my wife and that's it - not to appease anyone else.

He hasn't mentioned it since, not even in passing. I think that may be needed from your part. Straight out say it to him - he has an issue or comes back with any sort of snarky remark - drop him like a hot snot, and tell him as much. You said you feel bad about potentially losing a childhood friend, if that's true then give him this one final chance/warning.

Zebrag

Hi OP

I remember having a situation like this with a friend before and I cut ties with them not too long after. It was the constant belittling and bemoaning of the fact that I save for what I want and spend on what I need, while they spent what they didn't have and didn't appreciate anything.

That's their choice and I couldn't change that but what used to infuriate me was when said friend would ask for a loan of X amount for rent or bills (sometimes food) and I soon found they bought a new car (albeit on finance but I used to question how they could afford the repayment if they couldn't afford to pay rent) Anyways this went on for a few years and a mention of myself and partner paying off our loans and progressing to saving for a deposit on a house made said friend lose the rag on me. Myself and partner are not high earners but we work hard and earn as much as we can to survive, live and appreciate what we have for the time being until we can afford a house. We spent nearly 3 years working to pay off loans before we decided to save for a deposit.

Said friend just didn't like the fact that we paid off our loans and couldn't understand why we choosed to use the loan repayments as a way to save extra rather than getting a new car (this among the fact that said friend doesn't understand why my parents won't let me buy their house baring in mind my parents are in their 50s and work full time and live the live of Reily so me buying their home and not being able to live in the house wasn't a concept friend understood) This resulted in my friend telling me my own family were horrible and wanted me to be homeless (?) (it was a decision I made myself to live outside of my parents home with my partner in our own place, I couldn't understand why I needed to validate or justify this but anyways) My friend then had a baby and soon they realised what reality was and what money actually ment and still didn't grasp the concept of buy what you need rather than want and asking people for loans usually means paying them back.

Safe to say I never lend friend any money throughout the years and somehow I'm the horrible one. Another friend lend money instead and years later are still waiting but hey, they are best buddies (it's cringy to see as an outsider it's clear as day that one argument will lead into a money argument)

My point being, money and people's concepts especially in a friendship don't often match up. While I made the decision to be debt free, ex friend is up to their eyeballs and walk around with the latest gadgets and gear that is clear as day they can't afford. I don't base my friendships on competition but if a friend is going to constantly bring money in conversation and try and change my ways and views on how I should live... Then by all means I walk away.

The goes for you OP. Your friend doesn't value your friendship in the slightest. It seems to me that this friend is liking you as their entertainment, to laugh at you behind your back and to your face for reasons that I can only assume is jealousy. It may sound childish but the point being, this friend just doesn't care about you or your wifes feelings, just that they could get what they want for free and abuse the kindness. It's as simple as that. A pushover maybe and when you stand up for yourself, said friend doesn't like this and thinks you're being defensive when reality is, they know full well their actions is awful and is being called out and they don't like it.

Personally I think you should walk away. For your own sanity. You don't need someone who's going to make you question and reason with anything. It's their lives and they can do as they please but when they start chiming in with comments that are unnecessary, it's clear as day they have an issue and are voicing the wrong feelings. Rather than being in awe or even being positive, they would rather belittle and laugh. Their choice.

You choice is to walk away, stress free friendship and no one to justify and validate too

Good luck OP

Ash.J.Williams

I got “no recession here” once when I served a mate a t-bone , cnt.

leggo

Yeah OP just to back up what the consensus is, why have you not pushed back on this even jokingly? Judging on the comfort level he has speaking to you and even the way your friend reacted, giving a taste for the level of acceptable ‘banter’ in your group, it should be handy enough and doesn’t need to be a confrontation unless you’re the punching bag of the group who doesn’t speak up for himself (in which case you’ve got a different problem).

Like I get how these things can be not as simple as ‘just end the friendship’ in an era where a lot of the day-to-day of friendships are conducted via WhatsApp groups and the likes. But if someone has the neck to be like “Get your wife to make me a blanket”, text them back asking if they just heard what they said to you and laugh at them.

If someone is being rude or unreasonable to you, it’s okay to tell them they’re being rude or unreasonable. Call out the individual behaviour first time and don’t make any grand comments about them.

If they don’t respond and start to come off as being obsessed about this issue, I’d react by saying “Why are you so obsessed with how much money I earn you actual weirdo? :laugh:” Give them a little dig of painful truth disguised as banter because they didn’t learn the first time when you were being diplomatic.

If they still don’t stop, next step is speaking to them in commanding language, so “Stop bringing up my finances, it’s rude and strange behaviour.”

None of this is unreasonable and, if you carry yourself this way, people will tend to learn to watch what they say around you and approach you with a measure of respect, which is what he doesn’t have right now by feeling like he can make these comments unchallenged. And the reason he feels this way is because that’s his experience.

fits

Mad_maxx wrote: »

perfectly put

my mother law was up visiting this week and showing off her ninety euro boots , she bought them recently and buys at least four pairs of footwear at that kind of money per year

same woman always playing the poormouth and how she cant afford A,B and C

uttering noise like " its ok for the rich " etc

those kind of people lack personal responsibility

Eh that’s not really a lot for shoes. ! 4 pairs a year isn’t excessive either.

Ash.J.Williams

Mad_maxx wrote: »

perfectly put

my mother law was up visiting this week and showing off her ninety euro boots , she bought them recently and buys at least four pairs of footwear at that kind of money per year

same woman always playing the poormouth and how she cant afford A,B and C

uttering noise like " its ok for the rich " etc

those kind of people lack personal responsibility

Docs are 120 euro at least

vikings2012

OP - I imagine you would like to salvage the relationship and not cause any strife with your wider friend group.

What’s jumping out to me is the lack of communication between you and your friend. Can you just mention to him that this grinds your gears when he makes comments about your finances/wealth/purchases?

Like you, my childhood friend used to throw a few comments about my holidays/education/jobs. I was driving with him and just said to him;

‘I don’t appreciate your comments about xyz. Those are my choices and I worked hard for everything. I have never said anything about your lifestyle or how you spend (do not spend ) your cash’. He apologised and we laughed it off.

To this he has never mentioned anything about my spending/jobs and we get on great.

Really depends on the person though.

Good luck

Purple Mountain

vikings2012 wrote: »

OP - I imagine you would like to salvage the relationship and not cause any strife with your wider friend group.

What’s jumping out to me is the lack of communication between you and your friend. Can you just mention to him that this grinds your gears when he makes comments about your finances/wealth/purchases?

Like you, my childhood friend used to throw a few comments about my holidays/education/jobs. I was driving with him and just said to him;

‘I don’t appreciate your comments about xyz. Those are my choices and I worked hard for everything. I have never said anything about your lifestyle or how you spend (do not spend ) your cash’. He apologised and we laughed it off.

To this he has never mentioned anything about my spending/jobs and we get on great.

Really depends on the person though.

Good luck

This is where you're wrong poster.. OP, he is not your friend.

cloudatlas

In fairness the dog could have easily got a hold of the blanket and ripped it leading to it being given to him.

Having said that I don't think there is any point in confronting them about anything or starting a tit for tat back and forth over who has the most material wealth!

They sound exhausting. If there is no other value to be found in the relationship then I would phase it out. It doesn't sound like it's even worth it to bring up the dog basket especially if you've made a decision that the friendship is on the rocks.

I have experienced this snobbery before, someone in work said that a colleague was a snob due to where their house was, I pointed out she lived just up the road, 'oh but she lives in the nice houses'. Ye can't make it up sometimes. People have the wrong values in life.

December2012

I think a very simple "thats rude" would shut him up. If he persists then stand up for yourself, stand up for your wife and tell them that talking about your finances is very crass and rude and you dont judge his lifestyle choices, so he shouldnt judge yours.

Panthro

December2012 wrote: »

I think a very simple "thats rude" would shut him up. If he persists then stand up for yourself, stand up for your wife and tell them that talking about your finances is very crass and rude and you dont judge his lifestyle choices, so he shouldnt judge yours.

Or even a very direct "what the fooks my finances got to do with you? From now on you look after your lot and I'll look after mine"
He won't be long realising there's a line he's crossed and you're not afraid to stand up for yourself.
Personally I don't know why you're even bothering with him and his missus tbh. I'd even hazard a guess if you mentioned it to one of yer other mates discreetly the situation you'll probably find they don't like that side of said friend either.
One of them jumped to your defence for a reason.
Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Too many to get back to all of them individually.

To those asking why I'm still friends with him, I guess it's because we are friends for so long and it seems sad to end it over something stupid like this.

I also have slagged him back the odd time when he says something about my money and say well look sure i'm not going on holidays as much as you.

In future I'll be more direct with him and say that I really don't appreciate it and see what happens from there. If he continues it even after I've said that then there's no salvaging this friendship.

December2012

MoMoneyMoProblems wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Too many to get back to all of them individually.

To those asking why I'm still friends with him, I guess it's because we are friends for so long and it seems sad to end it over something stupid like this.

I also have slagged him back the odd time when he says something about my money and say well look sure i'm not going on holidays as much as you.

In future I'll be more direct with him and say that I really don't appreciate it and see what happens from there. If he continues it even after I've said that then there's no salvaging this friendship.

If you're saying it back then maybe he thinks it's lads banter.

It seems a wierd thing to end a friendship over if that's the only thing.

Why does it bother you? If you're happy with your spending and you value your wife's work like the knitting etc then just do as you've beeb doing. Stand up for yourself a bit more if you need to.