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Odd neighbour

13

Comments

  • #102
    Mad_maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,503 ✭✭✭✭Mad_maxx


    would you consider selling the house and buying an apartment OP ?

    houses are usually worth more and you might be able to afford an apartment in a better location than your current house is ?

    add to that , the chances of encountering neighbours is reduced in an apartment ?


  • #103
    Cash_Q
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,920 ✭✭✭Cash_Q


    Dizzyblonde wrote:
    OP think very carefully before selling your house in haste, because it is always easier to trade upwards than start over and apply for a bigger mortgage. If you absolutely can't live beside this man, look into renting out your house until it's the right time for you to sell.

    When trading up you need to apply for a new mortgage, clear your existing mortgage once you sell and then drawdown the new mortgage for the new house. It wouldn't make much difference if there was a short period between houses.
    Mad_maxx wrote:
    would you consider selling the house and buying an apartment OP ?

    Mad_maxx wrote:
    add to that , the chances of encountering neighbours is reduced in an apartment ?


    Buying an apartment automatically multiplies your neighbours. You'd potentially encounter them in the car park, lift/stair well, corridors, communal grounds etc. If there was even one nightmare neighbour in a block of 20, all 20 could be affected. Compared to one nightmare neighbour in a terrace, there is far less impact on all neighbouring houses, usually just those immediately adjacent to them are affected the worst.


  • #104
    Fakediamond
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,055 ✭✭✭Fakediamond


    Hi OP, would you consider booking a few sessions with a counsellor to support you while you’re going through such a stressful time? I think it would be helpful to talk through your options with an independent third party before deciding on your next move. They might also have some ideas on dealing with odd characters.

    I’m not in any way dismissing what you’re going through, but sometimes we need help to regain some perspective when we’re feeling so overwhelmed. Selling your lovely home and losing financially is a huge decision. Maybe through counselling you could feel more empowered to deal with what you’re facing now, or at least make your next move in the knowledge it was the only option for your well-being.


  • #105
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    JustAThought, I appreciate you've added caveats such as 'many' and 'not all' but I don't think it does much to dilute the pretty big swing you've taken at a men in the construction industry.

    As per the Charter gender generalisations, or indeed mass generalisations of any kind are of little help to the OP, please don't do it going forward.

    Thanks

    HS


  • #106
    PalLimerick
    Registered Users Posts: 497 ✭✭PalLimerick


    You have every right to not want to know this Man. If he doesn't get the hint be straight out with him and tell him. He sounds like a nosey neighbour at worst.

    I think you're reading too much in to it and to be brutally honest from your post you don't appear as friendly or as polite as you may think. This isn't a personal attack I'm just pointing this out.

    But good luck in how you deal with it. You have a right to live your life as private as you want.


  • #107
    Lux23
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    There is a man on the street that I grew up on that is like this, people were quite fond of him but we all sort of knew he had some problems and got very lonely. One night when I was 17, I was watching TV downstairs when everyone else was in bed. It was after midnight, and he knocked at the door; I thought maybe something was wrong - he was drunk and had his dog with him, and he tried to barge his way in asking if I was having a party. I slammed the door and ran up the stairs. My mother asked me the following day who was at the door, and I explained 'it was xxx, I think he was drunk'. My Dad went round and had a chat with him, the man was mortified, but you really could not trust him with a drink on him. He is sober now, but I would never speak to him, and I have since found out that he did the same things with other women in the street. One family even moved out.

    So I would trust your gut and try to find out what other people think. Maybe even tell some people that he is making you nervous, and they may look out for you?


  • #108
    bottlebrush
    Registered Users Posts: 8,195 ✭✭✭bottlebrush


    OP - has this issue only started since lockdown or had it been going on before that but you are only noticing it more now because everyone has been more or less constricted to their homes?

    I had a similar issue years ago when I first moved into my house. Single female living on my own. Much older widowed retired gentleman 2 doors down started appearing whenever I was outside gardening etc. Bringing me down gardening tools that I didnt need, offering to bring my bins out if I was going away. If I was out walking he'd appear beside me in his car offering me a lift which I always politely declined. One day I had an electrician working in my house and this neighbour just opened my front door and walked in with a bag of fruit for me (he wouldn't have known the other guy was a tradesman, so might have assumed it was a male friend). The following day he put a note through my door asking if he could buy me lunch some day and Suggesting a restaurant we could go to. These last two incidences really unsettled me so I put feelers out amongst my neighbours without going into any if the details and they all said he was sound.
    I concluded that as I was the only woman living on my own in the row of houses, and I was surrounded by couples and families, that none of them would ever have had a similar encounter with this neighbour.
    Are you the only woman living on her own in the neighbourhood, because I suspect that if you are, then your neighbours will likely not have had the same experience as you .
    My problem resolved itself as I had a very busy social life at the time, loads of people coming and going and I was coming and going all the time. I was always rushing around and didnt have the time to be engaging with him and he eventually backed off, even though my social life got considerably quieter afterwards, even before covid but he stayed away. We will still wave to one another if we meet in our cars, and that's it.

    I know its not easy to be busy right now with the restrictions, but when things resume I think you need to give the impression, at least , that you're busy, if only for a while. I appreciate you may feel that it's your home and you shouldn't need to do a or b or c, but oftentimes these are exactly the things you must do in the short term .

    Might be an easier solution to moving which I agree you must do if the problem persists, but there is no guarantee that you won't encounter something similar in your new place. You get another similar neighbour, and then what, you move again,?

    Just wonder how this man is able to enter your back garden? I can understand if the front is open plan, like my own house, but can you put up side gates?


  • #109
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    OP, we had this neighbour and I will say now, without reservation, to listen to your gut. We were a young married couple and I was just pregnant when we moved in next door to him and at first we put the awkward and uncomfortable things he said down to him trying to "connect" with us as a younger generation. Sly but passive comments that bordered on sexual were made in front of both of us, and then slowly moved to just me. He always appeared whenever we were outside - just arriving, just leaving, just getting coal, just letting the dog out etc. He had cameras and was able to watch (and record) our every move. After about a year we became prisoners in our own home. We caught him coming up the side of our house to toss biscuits to our dog when he was outside to encourage him to bark whenever he saw him, and then subsequently threaten to report the dog as aggressive because he always barked when he saw him :rolleyes:
    He constantly offered to do jobs that would give him access to our property and garden, and when we insisted we could do it ourselves, he started into a very unusual game of trying to force us to "borrow" tools of his that turned out to be broken with the intent of telling the whole estate that my husband "broke" all of these things that he borrowed (we learned after the first time borrowing a lawnmower before we realised how bad he was).
    Around the time my eldest two started begging to be let play outside in the good weather, we saw the full extent - he spent a solid 3 hours trying to paint one section of wall which gave him full view of our children in a paddling pool (fully clothed). When we caught him whispering their names and offering them sweets we realised how dangerous he was, and then later had someone I trust with my life come forward and share their personal experience with him. She was only a teenager at the time and nobody believed her because he was married and well-respected. Well, I would have absolutely no problem believing her and we took it our cue to GTFO and sharpish.

    Do not be bullied into thinking you have to "manage" or "deal with" any creepy old man just because he might be "simple" or lonely or mentally ill. You are not under any obligation to put yourself at risk like that just to find out how bad he might actually get.


  • #110
    xzanti
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 10,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭xzanti


    ShaShaBear wrote: »
    he spent a solid 3 hours trying to paint one section of wall which gave him full view of our children in a paddling pool (fully clothed). When we caught him whispering their names and offering them sweets we realised how dangerous he was, and then later had someone I trust with my life come forward and share their personal experience with him. She was only a teenager at the time and nobody believed her because he was married and well-respected. Well, I would have absolutely no problem believing her and we took it our cue to GTFO and sharpish.

    Mother of God :eek: :(

    OP my advice would be to keep a diary of every single unfavourable encounter you have with your neighbour. Dates, times, details.

    So if it does come 'to a head' you have specifics saved and ready to rehash. Hopefully you won't need it and he backs off. But it's always good to have.

    You say other habitants of your town are being cold towards you? Is this something that you would like to remedy?

    I personally wouldn't be arsed trying to sway people who have allowed another person to influence them into not liking me. I would happily let them off as they say.

    That's just me personally. I have a small group of friends and good family and I'm happy. I don't need to justify myself to anyone. If someone doesn't like me then good luck to them.

    However!!! If you want to change people's perception then maybe make a point of approaching these people who you feel are cold; and strike up a conversation. Nothing about your neighbour, don't mention him at all. See if they'll bite.

    The reason I say this is, sometimes we can pre-empt that someone doesn't like us because they are friends with someone we don't get on with. When in reality we simply haven't tried to make a connection. Or say hello, or whatever.

    I really feel for you. Your neighbour sounds like a nightmare. I am a very private person and the thought of someone haunting me like that just freaks me out.

    I hope you can find a solution.


  • #111
    Himnydownunder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 135 ✭✭Himnydownunder


    It may sound caveman like, but what about having a male over to the house for a day, I mean a brother/dad/ uncle/ friend? The male that you trust could be in your front/ rear garden and could make it their business to talk with your neighbour. They wouldn’t have to threaten him, but could suss him out and make him feel that you have supportive males protecting you.


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  • #112
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You are probably not in a position to get a large dog, but the likes of Rottweilers and GSDs pick up on an owners fear and constantly put themselves between you and the creep to keep you safe. They would also protect the back garden and bins.


  • #113
    xzanti
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 10,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭xzanti


    PalLimerick wrote: »
    You have every right to not want to know this Man. If he doesn't get the hint be straight out with him and tell him. He sounds like a nosey neighbour at worst.

    I think you're reading too much in to it and to be brutally honest from your post you don't appear as friendly or as polite as you may think. This isn't a personal attack I'm just pointing this out.

    But good luck in how you deal with it. You have a right to live your life as private as you want.

    Her friendliness is really not the issue here.

    The man asked her what room she sleeps in and peers in her windows, he puts rubbish in her bins and has become a blatant pest.

    I don't think she's reading too much into it at all.


  • #114
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    I would sell the house.

    And if i couldn't I would tell this man in no uncertain terms to stay away from me and my house or there would be trouble.

    Anytime he approached me I would tell him to go away.

    Having a guy there for a while as someone said ...or even better have a guy to have a word with him...and i mean just a word..i might try that too.


  • #115
    Himnydownunder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 135 ✭✭Himnydownunder


    In some ways I think you will forever regret it if you don’t sort the situation out. At the end of the day he is one man, in a world of billions of people. He is an older man and admittedly a creepy man. You are not obliged to be friendly or nice to him. Maybe you could turn the negative into a positive? How about getting classes in self-defense in the evenings? You would get to know new people, destress after work and feel more confident about your safety. You don’t have to tell him to f-off/ call the guards or anything. Why not challenge him about the things he says? For example: “You are good-looking?” Answer: “Why would you say that to me?”/ “What do you mean?” Question: “Do you sleep at the front or back of the house?” Answer: “What’s it to you?” “That’s a strange question to ask any female neighbour.” Also regarding the self-defense classes, I’m sure there would be many strong men in the class who wouldn’t mind showing up at your house for a barbecue, etc.


  • #116
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    We've a neighbour creep too. He actually grew up with the OH so he's deemed 'harmless'. But speaking to OH's sister the view was that he plays up on being simple, but quite frankly he's what you'd call a cute hoor at best, but she thinks he's "all there and a bit extra" and agreed with me that he's a creep around women. He's a sly, nasty bit of work and I know that only for OH being there, I'd be pestered by him.

    I'm in my mid forties so you know what, I'm so done being nice. It was ingrained in me for so long to be nice and not cause a fuss with the onus on me to modify my routine or behaviour if a man harasses me or makes me feel uneasy any more and if you react, sheesh, they are only being friendly... gaslighting fcukers. I've perfected the death glare for our next door creep, I never speak to him, and I'll have no issue telling him to stay the f**k away from me if I have to. I'm sure he's probably telling people that I'm an awful unfriendly bitch, but yeah, if that keeps him away from me, I'll wear that label with pride.

    Some of the others have given you some great security tips, the only other suggestion I could add, would be to get a lodger if you've room - preferably male. It's something the feminist in me hates to suggest as it feels like a regressive move to have a man come in and sort it out for you but unfortunately there's certain types of people who would only back off if a man tells them to - and your neighbour sounds like that.

    The other suggestion I have would be to make friends with the women in the neighbourhood of your age group if you can. Now lockdown is lifted, invite them around for a glass of wine in the garden. They could well be a great support network for you and more than likely will know what he's like and having them as eyes & ears on your property while you are at work if they are home during the day will be a big help too. He's targeting you because he's decided because you are on your own, you are vulnerable. But if you've got friends who are living nearby, or people you stop and chat to, or invite over, it could very well discourage him and make him leave you alone. If nothing else, if you do have to have a run-in with him, people are more likely to know the context that caused it and know you aren't the kind of person he's saying you are.


  • #117
    rolling boh
    Registered Users Posts: 2,104 ✭✭✭rolling boh


    Of course you are entitled to live quietly if you want and that is your business but it's no harm to know a couple of neighbours if possible .I agree with the poster who suggested trying to get to know some of the women they could be great support and having people around know and then might keep him from your space. Knowing a few neighbours has many advantages you can keep them at arms length if you want


  • #118
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP here,

    Thanks so much to everyone for the replies and support, I really appreciate it.

    The reason he has such close access to my back garden is because he is very friendly with the house next door to me, he calls over to their house several times a day and there is no pattern, it could be morning, midday, early afternoon and evening. I never know when he is going to appear, so I am never at ease in my garden.

    The house next door is very close to me (barely 2 metres between my back door extension and their back door extension) and at present there is only a low fence between us. So when he walks up the path in their garden, he is right beside the path to my back door and he can see straight into my garden, is close to my back door and kitchen window. He has the people next door wrapped around his little finger. They think he is the bees knees and they know him for decades, so anything I would say would fall on deaf ears.

    Last summer, I asked three different contractors to put up a fence for me however they all fell through, didn't come back and also covid lockdown restrictions has made it hard to get someone in to do the fence.

    I will try again summer to get someone in to put up a decent height fence.

    There is one female neighbour I have met up with, I might confide in her about what has been happening.


  • #119
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi everyone,

    OP here,

    It just got a bit stranger. This morning as I was leaving for work, he was standing outside in an area that would give him full view of me getting into my car and just stared at me. All of the other neighbours were gone to work at this point, which I am sure he was well aware of. I am a bit freaked out, as it means he is monitoring my times and schedule. I was shaking driving to work, it has really spooked me.

    Legally he is doing nothing wrong of course, but he would know that what he did this morning would freak me out.


  • #120
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    That kind of overt surveillance doesn't come out of nowhere OP. It might be worth dropping into the local Garda station for a chat with a community -liaison if they have one - no harm to ring them up to ask.

    While they might not be able to do anything in this instance, if things were to change in the future where you've had a run-in with him, they've already got a previous report /knowledge of your concerns.

    If he has form for this and has done this before to other women, then there may well be previous complaints to Gardai about him. Again, if that was the case they may not be able to share specifics with you, but if he's on their radar it's not any harm.


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  • #121
    wildwillow
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭wildwillow


    Neyite is correct. You need to make a report. I would consider this stalking if he is watching your routine and always appearing. Make a fuss to the Garda and try to get them to understand how freaked you are.

    Bring a list of actions and times when he has interfered with your enjoyment of your own house.


  • #122
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    I still think cctv would help any report/ claim before the police it’s but up to the op


  • #123
    Caranica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,139 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    I still think cctv would help any report/ claim before the police it’s but up to the op

    Yes, OP you were advised on page 1 to get CCTV or a doorbell camera. Did you get either? Ideally something with two way conversation so you can talk through the camera if he's lingering outside your property.


  • #124
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi op here

    Thanks for the replies.

    Yes I got own little cctv camera at the back for now, it covers the area within my own boundary. Unfortunately, he always stands in someone else's property (the neighbours he is friendly with) to view my house, which is out of sight of my cctv camera.

    I have some annual leave coming up in the next few weeks, I plan to get a fence out up and a cctv company out to install CCTV at the front and back.

    I spoke to another female neighbour that I am friendly with and she has had the some creepy experiences with him, trying to go into her property and some odd conversation, however, she has a male partner, so she reckons he has backed off a bit. But it's good to know I am not the only one and that he has form for this type of behaviour. I am still quite shocked at the incident this morning.


  • #125
    Ms. Newbie18
    Registered Users Posts: 235 ✭✭Ms. Newbie18


    Oddneighbour wrote: »
    Hi op here

    Thanks for the replies.

    Yes I got own little cctv camera at the back for now, it covers the area within my own boundary. Unfortunately, he always stands in someone else's property (the neighbours he is friendly with) to view my house, which is out of sight of my cctv camera.

    I have some annual leave coming up in the next few weeks, I plan to get a fence out up and a cctv company out to install CCTV at the front and back.

    I spoke to another female neighbour that I am friendly with and she has had the some creepy experiences with him, trying to go into her property and some odd conversation, however, she has a male partner, so she reckons he has backed off a bit. But it's good to know I am not the only one and that he has form for this type of behaviour. I am still quite shocked at the incident this morning.

    Hi OP,

    Glad to hear that you've shared your experiences. At least now you will have someone else looking out for you. Great news on the cctv. I think I would still pop into speak with the local community gaurd..not to make a complaint but to have it noted, and get some additional advise. I am sure they deal with this kind of thing all the time and may have more valuable insights/advise than people here can offer


  • #126
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Would you consider getting one of those ‘Ring’ doorbells too? AFAIK they can record footage of movement outside your front door, and you can see it on your phone.

    I’d get light fabric blinds on windows, to let the light in - but that he can’t see in through.

    Have you got a side gate that you can put a bolt on, to prevent him getting into the back of your property.

    I’d consider some nice thorny plants on the boundary too.

    Of course you shouldn’t have to do any of this stuff, but I’d do that before I’d sell up.

    How do you feel about getting a dog?


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  • #127
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Oddneighbour wrote: »
    I spoke to another female neighbour that I am friendly with and she has had the some creepy experiences with him, trying to go into her property and some odd conversation, however, she has a male partner, so she reckons he has backed off a bit. But it's good to know I am not the only one and that he has form for this type of behaviour. I am still quite shocked at the incident this morning.

    I’m glad you did this OP, I remember saying early on when you were convinced everyone else adored him that if you scratched past the surface you’d often find others who’ve experienced similar because this is who he is.

    I hope you can use that strength and validation to take firm action safe in the knowledge that it’s not just you and not in your head.


  • #128
    punisher5112
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,644 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    Plant a hedge op


  • #129
    Meeoow
    Registered Users Posts: 628 ✭✭✭Meeoow


    You could get some nice hedges for your back garden if you can't get a fence.
    Bamboos are great for shielding, they grow quickly. Or call to a garden centre and they could recommend quick growing privacy plants.
    There was a case in the Independent today of a creepy neighbour in Galway, he got 8 months in jail. So the guards should take notice of you if you contact them.


  • #130
    Caranica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,139 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    Would you consider getting one of those ‘Ring’ doorbells too? AFAIK they can record footage of movement outside your front door, and you can see it on your phone.

    Honestly, I feel so so much safer since I got mine. Stopped the kids ringing the bell and running away, when confronted with the video it never happened again. Being able to talk to people at the door, they don't know if I'm home or if I'm not.

    I freaked out my neighbour (in a fun way) on Christmas Eve. He had "Santa" stored in my place (and has a key). I was at my parents when he was collecting the stuff and I started talking to him through the doorbell :D Funnily enough, he's now got one too.

    There's a new smaller doorbell camera that Ring brought out this year, much less conspicuous and much cheaper too.


  • #131
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    It might also be worth taking a photo of him on your phone, every time you see him lurking or watching your property - and let him see that you are doing it - make a point of it, so he knows you're taking notes/gathering evidence.


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  • #132
    Potatopie
    Registered Users Posts: 69 ✭✭Potatopie


    Hey,
    I think the CCTV idea is the best one for you to begin with. It will make you feel very much at ease.
    It might also show some other strange behaviour which you don't currently see.

    It sounds like the man has got some social/mental problems. There is something not quite right. He might not be harmful but that's not really the point here. You also need to feel secure.

    I think you need to be assertive but also polite and kind to him. Being kind will also work in your favour as you don't want to make an emeny of him, especially if he is a bit strange.

    Tell him you are not interested in making new friends or a relationship and that you don't need help with household chores. Tell him you appreciate the gesture but would prefer if he did not approach you anymore. You can tell him you are much too busy with work!


  • #133
    o1s1n
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,253 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Potatopie wrote: »
    Hey,
    I think the CCTV idea is the best one for you to begin with. It will make you feel very much at ease.
    It might also show some other strange behaviour which you don't currently see.

    It sounds like the man has got some social/mental problems. There is something not quite right. He might not be harmful but that's not really the point here. You also need to feel secure.

    I think you need to be assertive but also polite and kind to him. Being kind will also work in your favour as you don't want to make an emeny of him, especially if he is a bit strange.

    Tell him you are not interested in making new friends or a relationship and that you don't need help with household chores. Tell him you appreciate the gesture but would prefer if he did not approach you anymore. You can tell him you are much too busy with work!

    I think we're far beyond the 'be polite to him' stage now unfortunately.

    The OP is considering selling her house it's causing her that much distress. Politeness be damned.

    I'd be going nuclear at this stage OP, get in touch with the Gardai and make them aware of the situation, film every interaction you have with him. Any big brothers or burly men you are friends with who can be seen around the place?

    I'm actually livid for you.


  • #134
    KVA60
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭KVA60


    Oddneighbour wrote: »
    Hi OP here,

    Thanks so much to everyone for the replies and support, I really appreciate it.

    The reason he has such close access to my back garden is because he is very friendly with the house next door to me, he calls over to their house several times a day and there is no pattern, it could be morning, midday, early afternoon and evening. I never know when he is going to appear, so I am never at ease in my garden.

    The house next door is very close to me (barely 2 metres between my back door extension and their back door extension) and at present there is only a low fence between us. So when he walks up the path in their garden, he is right beside the path to my back door and he can see straight into my garden, is close to my back door and kitchen window. He has the people next door wrapped around his little finger. They think he is the bees knees and they know him for decades, so anything I would say would fall on deaf ears.

    Last summer, I asked three different contractors to put up a fence for me however they all fell through, didn't come back and also covid lockdown restrictions has made it hard to get someone in to do the fence.

    I will try again summer to get someone in to put up a decent height fence.

    There is one female neighbour I have met up with, I might confide in her about what has been happening.

    OP I’ve been following your thread and as a single female who lives alone, I feel for you. I admire your courage. From reading through all posts and comments he sounds like some sort of pervert or just odd ball who gets kicks out of making females uncomfortable. You have no evidence he is dangerous but that is not enough. And treat it as he is for your own safety. I’m glad you got cctv and connected the dots with the other female in your estate. I second the other posters in making a report with the guards and asking their advice. First, for all we know he could have multiple similar incidents filed and be on his last warning. Likely not that easy but at least you’re making one to protect yourself and anyone in the future that gets to see his behavior. What strikes me as the most unsettling thing about him is that he seems to be well liked almost a favourite amongst your other neighbours. This is the behavior of someone calculating in my opinion. He is making up for something or trying to deflect/win others on his side. Have you many friends and family in the area? I know you’re only allowed what you can with restrictions but as they lift can you have friends and family in and out for a few weeks? Show him you’re in fact, not vulnerable and alone. Have all of them
    Stare him down as well and I’d wonder his reaction then. Would also suggest bamboo, works very well for privacy and quickly installed.
    Also ask the guards for advice, they may offer to drop down to your road on their evening patrol/walk. These problems are pretty common in the area I live in unfortunately. All of this may just take away his infatuation with you in the first place..that you’re a vulnerable Woman in his eyes living alone- and perhaps afraid. Gotta figure out what he is getting out of this and remove that from his access..which I know is unknown really. He sounds sick and I am so sorry you’re going through this. Would love to see you be able to keep your home peacefully at the end of all of this. You deserve it


  • #135
    antix80
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    Op, the guy is odd. I think you're bordering on paranoia though.

    You have cctv. You're getting a fence. There are other ways you can increase your privacy such as planting large shrubs to obstruct views.

    Put your bins in the shed or around the back.

    As for your interactions with him. Blank him completely. If he offers help, one "no thanks" is all he gets before you blank his offers too. He'll get the hint.


  • #136
    wildwillow
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭wildwillow


    It is not paranoia. He is making her life a misery to the extent that she wants to sell.

    He is cunning and may be a danger to her. Anyone would know that his advances are not welcome and he should stop annoying her.

    One should always respect ones instinct and act on it. Report to Garda and ask them to keep an eye on the area.

    He wouldn't persist if OP were a man.


  • #137
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Potatopie wrote: »
    Hey,
    I think the CCTV idea is the best one for you to begin with. It will make you feel very much at ease.
    It might also show some other strange behaviour which you don't currently see.

    It sounds like the man has got some social/mental problems. There is something not quite right. He might not be harmful but that's not really the point here. You also need to feel secure.

    I think you need to be assertive but also polite and kind to him. Being kind will also work in your favour as you don't want to make an emeny of him, especially if he is a bit strange.

    Tell him you are not interested in making new friends or a relationship and that you don't need help with household chores. Tell him you appreciate the gesture but would prefer if he did not approach you anymore. You can tell him you are much too busy with work!

    No! No more telling women they need to be polite and kind. To hell with that rubbish. Being polite and kind and trying to “manage” creepy people is not a burden any woman needs to take on. It’s behaviour that has gotten too many women battered, raped, and killed.

    So no, no to politeness, kindness, “just try to understand the poor fella”. No more of that crap. No man or woman should have to feel like they have to manage a creep.

    I have a neighbourhood creep too, OP. Like another poster, I’ve reached the limit of that crap. I brought out my inner bitch good and fast when he was starting up and thankfully I’ve had no more issues.

    Watching and besetting a persons’s property is a crime, so if he’s doing this then I would be reporting him.

    Prioritise yourself and your safety here.


  • #138
    LilacNails
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 672 ✭✭✭LilacNails


    Op alot of people have suggested having a man or some family and friends over, are any near by you?


  • #139
    JackTC
    Closed Accounts Posts: 127 ✭✭JackTC


    If you can get pictures of him staring into your house, you could print them off. Have your phone recording when walking by him to capture any weird things he says to you.

    If you build up a portfolio of evidence and go to the Guards they'll have to investigate it at some point.


  • #140
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    I really can’t see how “he is looking at my house” is going to enable to guards to do anything at all.
    First thing they will ask if this has been addressed yet and/ or what measures have been taken to disable visibility. Different story if he was (still) trespassing but he isn’t.
    Putting up a fence and limiting visibility is a measure that is long overdue and it’s food that the OP decided to do it


  • #141
    The DayDream
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 513 ✭✭✭The DayDream


    I can guarantee he is not so universally beloved as it may seem - just that the other folks haven't had to be in such close proximity for long stretches and can more easily wave away concerns, or they felt pressure to not make an issue because of the same reasons you have described.

    He's 100% behaved inappropriately before and he has gotten away with it, for way too long.

    Don't sell your house because of him! That's your house you worked hard to get and honestly these creeps are just like any other bully - usually cowards who will scurry off as soon as you stand up to them.

    I'm not going to say you should do something you don't feel comfortable doing or that you think would put you in danger, but honestly I would just be telling him calmly but firmly to foxtrot oscar any time he came near, and if he persisted just give him the bollocking of a lifetime.

    The neighbours aren't going to come and surround your house with pitchforks because you fall out with this man. They might not jump to your side straight away but a single older man making a younger woman uncomfortable -it's very difficult for the man to come off looking the better in these situations, especially if people find out about things he's done and said.

    I have two sisters, one is shy and the other is a complete wagon. The shy one had a creepy neighbour annoying her and kept it to herself for a while not wanting to make trouble in the neighborhood as she was new there. Well one day the wagon came over the shy one gaff, a few glasses of wine were had and the neighbour appeared in his garden. A graphic description of scrotal amputation was provided to the neighbour by the visiting sister if he didnt leave the other girl alone and he never tried to interact with her again.

    I think it scared him more than a man would, so you don't need a big burly man to scare him off. In fact that can make you look worse - he can then counter your claims of intimidation and harassment with claims of his own. But if a woman rears up on a man he nearly has to back down.

    Do you know any woman that are the 'take no shíte' type that could help you? I would ring my sister for ya but she's heavily pregnant at the moment so the only fella she'll be intimidating for the next while is the husband.


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  • #142
    riclad
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,184 ✭✭✭riclad


    It's not a crime to look at a house or over a fence , get a high fence, good fences make good neighbours,
    He maybe an old fashioned male chauvinist who likes to flirt with any young woman in sight
    He is not using bad language or making rude comments
    He's hanging around and has nothing to do
    I think it's sad you, d want to move away just because of one idiot
    He's not a criminal just a rude odd man


  • #143
    wildwillow
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭wildwillow


    riclad, It is this attitude that allows him and his like get away with such behaviour.
    He is intimidating, going well past rude.
    No one should feel uncomfortable in their own homes.


  • #144
    riclad
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,184 ✭✭✭riclad


    He has not threatened anyone, he is rude or creepy, and odd. Looking at someone's house is not a crime, maybe tell him, I'm busy, I don't wish to make any new friends.if he trys to talk to you in the future,
    He may get the message. I understand its awkward, as he's friends with your neighbour.
    And you feel you can't even sit outside in case he trys to talk to you


  • #145
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    riclad wrote: »
    He has not threatened anyone, he is rude or creepy, and odd. Looking at someone's house is not a crime, maybe tell him, I'm busy, I don't wish to make any new friends.if he trys to talk to you in the future,
    He may get the message. I understand its awkward, as he's friends with your neighbour.
    And you feel you can't even sit outside in case he trys to talk to you

    Section 10 of the Non-Fatal Offences Against the Person Act, 1997.

    10.—(1) Any person who, without lawful authority or reasonable excuse, by any means including by use of the telephone, harasses another by persistently following, watching, pestering, besetting or communicating with him or her, shall be guilty of an offence.

    (2) For the purposes of this section a person harasses another where—


    (a) he or she, by his or her acts intentionally or recklessly, seriously interferes with the other's peace and privacy or causes alarm, distress or harm to the other, and


    (b) his or her acts are such that a reasonable person would realise that the acts would seriously interfere with the other's peace and privacy or cause alarm, distress or harm to the other.

    I think the OP wanting to sell her house because of his behaviour would easily satisfy section 10(2)(a). I would be mentioning that to the Guards if I were her. He will have to deal with the consequences of HIS behaviour - if such consequences includes the Guards, he has no one but himself to blame.


  • #146
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    riclad wrote: »
    It's not a crime to look at a house or over a fence , get a high fence, good fences make good neighbours,
    He maybe an old fashioned male chauvinist who likes to flirt with any young woman in sight
    He is not using bad language or making rude comments
    He's hanging around and has nothing to do
    I think it's sad you, d want to move away just because of one idiot
    He's not a criminal just a rude odd man

    You don't know that. None of us do. Even the OP or the neighbours don't know that. He could very well be someone well known to the Gardai for stuff like this.

    There's no way you'd give this advice if the OP was your sister or mother living alone and increasingly becoming more and more scared to leave her house. And you would go around to have Words with him to scare him off.

    Women are done excusing poor male behaviour by saying that they are just old fashioned male chauvinists who like to flirt. They aren't. They are creeps who get off on a woman's fear. Op's creepy neighbour is getting off on the intimidation. It's classic Nice Guy behaviour.


  • #147
    riclad
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,184 ✭✭✭riclad


    His behavior is odd , creepy , and rude , nothing he has done is illegal.
    He has not used bad language or insulted anyone.
    Maybe simply putting up a fence will solve the problem
    and allow you to enjoy your garden in peace.
    At least you are living next door to someone who does not play loud music at night or have loud party's


  • #148
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    riclad you keep making the argument that he hasn’t done anything illegal. You also keep using bad language as an example of something illegal he could’ve done, pointing towards that as evidence of his innocence (btw I don’t think the OP has mentioned bad language or lack thereof at all). Are you aware that cursing is not illegal?

    Look at the pushback you’re getting here and the lack of thanks for anything you’re saying...have you considered that maybe you’ve missed the mark a bit on this one?


  • #149
    TP_CM
    Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭TP_CM


    leggo wrote: »
    riclad you keep making the argument that he hasn’t done anything illegal. You also keep using bad language as an example of something illegal he could’ve done, pointing towards that as evidence of his innocence (btw I don’t think the OP has mentioned bad language or lack thereof at all). Are you aware that cursing is not illegal?

    Look at the pushback you’re getting here and the lack of thanks for anything you’re saying...have you considered that maybe you’ve missed the mark a bit on this one?

    I have to say I'm not totally against what Riclad is saying albeit the tone isn't great. We're all wrapped up in this story because we know the details of it. Of course we feel bad for the OP and need to offer as much help as possible. But from a defence perspective Riclad has a point. The OP hasn't mentioned any of this to the old man in any way. She hasn't mentioned it to the guards as far as I can see. It has taken over a year to put up a fence to help the situation (I think she mentioned she tried last summer?), or months at least, and months to get CCTV footage installed which as far as we know has not picked up anything unless we just haven't got that update yet. The harassment we're thinking about bringing to the authorities is an old man who is trying to make conversation and who might be looking through her window from a spot which is not on the premises.

    I'm not condoning what the old man is doing. He's clearly a fecker who needs to be put back in his box. But when people get locked into the emotion of some things, they forget how cold the legal system can be, and so this is more just advice that it's important for the op to actually put in place some public/official things which show how distressed she is. Garda report, solicitor's letter to the old man, even just getting that fence up which shouldn't take a year to do.

    At the moment the actions and urgency is akin to someone who just doesn't really like a neighbour. And any defence lawyer (or old creepy man) would argue that point quite easily.


  • #150
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    See your point only makes sense if you take it from the perspective: “Could you get a criminal conviction based on the evidence presented so far?” This is totally missing the mark of what the situation is and the advice being given.

    People aren’t telling her to contact the Gardai for the sake of getting him thrown in jail or moved out of his home. The purpose of logging it with the Gardai is that he may have form for this (these types usually do and the one person the OP has confided in has experienced similar) behaviour and they could decide that a quick word with him could nip everything in the bud, which is all the OP wants. At worst, it builds a case for more formal action if she makes a complaint, then every time he does something else logs it, because these situations can escalate quite quickly and it’s easier to act if needed if there’s already a framework established and a pattern of complaints officially logged.

    OP just wants the behaviour to stop. Reporting it to the Gardai is doing something proactive that could help bring about that end result quicker than the counterpoint of “Do nothing because he hasn’t used bad language” that’s being presented, bafflingly.


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  • #151
    sReq | uTeK
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,017 ✭✭✭sReq | uTeK


    leggo wrote: »
    riclad you keep making the argument that he hasn’t done anything illegal. You also keep using bad language as an example of something illegal he could’ve done, pointing towards that as evidence of his innocence (btw I don’t think the OP has mentioned bad language or lack thereof at all). Are you aware that cursing is not illegal?

    Look at the pushback you’re getting here and the lack of thanks for anything you’re saying...have you considered that maybe you’ve missed the mark a bit on this one?

    Firstly let's all agree hes a creep. That's a given hopefully the CCTV with help and fence to boot. But just because someone perceives his actions in their mindset to be invasive and weighing up selling a house does not constitute an illegal act.

    The law does not take the actions of one person as a by product that something has occurred.

    To date, its one person saying a guy stares at me..nothing he has done thus far in the eyes of the law is anyway illegal.


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