What has helped you most with confidence?

KM792 · 24-02-2020 12:49am #1

I know there's the obvious one of imagining people naked when you're adressing a room..
Just curious on this one as someone who struggles a bit with confidence and presenting myself well..

What are the best lessons you have learnt through age and experience re confidence?

H.20v3 · 24-02-2020 12:51am

Evaluating myself in comparison to others

Turns out you're no worse and often better than most in most areas

Antares35 · 24-02-2020 12:54am

That most people are more interested in themselves than others so where we think people are looking at us or judging us they are probably more wrapped up in their own world. It's quite liberating to realise this. Also I found as I got older I just cared less what people thought and this helped me be more confident.

24-02-2020 12:54am

H.20v3 wrote: »

Evaluating myself in comparison to others

I stopped comparing myself to others and that eliminated the burden of unrealistic expectations.

ILoveYourVibes · 24-02-2020 12:55am

Honestly my confidence is ****e. Nothing helps. I have just accepted it. Maybe its a good thing to lack confidence ...

Leg End Reject · 24-02-2020 12:58am

Accept there's no real normal, most of us just conform to social norms in public.

People will always talk about you, so make it interesting for them and show a few of your quirks.

Heckler · 24-02-2020 1:01am

BOOZE.

dartboardio · 24-02-2020 1:07am

Alcohol, makeup.

Intelligence.

KM792 · 24-02-2020 1:16am

Antares35 wrote: »

That most people are more interested in themselves than others so where we think people are looking at us or judging us they are probably more wrapped up in their own world. It's quite liberating to realise this. Also I found as I got older I just cared less what people thought and this helped me be more confident.

That's a really good point.If I had to walk into a room my default setting is are people looking at me,are they judging me etc but the truth is they're prob thinking about how they're being perceived in their own mind..are people judging me etc..

Everyone is always more invested in themselves than others anyway...

Sardonicat · 24-02-2020 1:29am

Leg End Reject wrote: »

Accept there's no real normal, most of us just conform to social norms in public.

People will always talk about you, so make it interesting for them and show a few of your quirks.

Almost 5 decades of social ineptitude has the positive side effect of killing your capacity to give a **** of what others think of you. If I did, I wouldn't be able to leave the house or open my mouth. The other benefit is being very forgiving of other's quirks.

Leg End Reject · 24-02-2020 1:31am

Sardonicat wrote: »

Almost 5 decades of social ineptitude has the positive side effect of killing your capacity to give a **** of what others think of you. If I did, I wouldn't be able to leave the house or open my mouth. The other benefit is being very forgiving of other's quirks.

I'm starting to think we're twins, or one of us is completely insane and the other is the alter ego.

Did your mother have you tested?

Sardonicat · 24-02-2020 1:32am

Leg End Reject wrote: »

I'm starting to think we're twins, or one of us is completely insane and the other is the alter ego.

Did your mother have you tested?

Ha! She was advised to but refused! (True)

JupiterKid · 24-02-2020 1:56am

Believing in the old saying: “if you don’t ask, you don’t get.”

Also worrying much less of what others think of me the older I get - and that if I have inspired a few other people through my teaching or brought joy and positivity to others though my friendships and relationships then I have served a useful purpose in life.

con747 · 24-02-2020 2:03am

KM792 wrote: »

I know there's the obvious one of imagining people naked when you're adressing a room..
Just curious on this one as someone who struggles a bit with confidence and presenting myself well..

What are the best lessons you have learnt through age and experience re confidence?

Not giving a sh*t and not caring about how other people see me in their eyes.

Quantum Erasure · 24-02-2020 2:05am

alcohol

Edit, i see I'm not the first with that answer

ILoveYourVibes · 24-02-2020 3:20am

Quantum Erasure wrote: »

alcohol

Edit, i see I'm not the first with that answer

i cant drink

:mad:

Lyan · 24-02-2020 3:54am

I've never understood how a person can feel comfortable in a room full of naked people.

Junkyard Tom · 24-02-2020 4:41am

Developing an understanding that we live short, trivial, lives.

Titclamp · 24-02-2020 5:39am

Train in a combat sport. You are not thinking what others thinking of you then and most important get a break from self defeating analysis.

I studied certain subjects I loved and its always a great way to boost confidence to have certainty in what you say in something you have a passion for especially for people who'd find it interesting. There's a mystique apparently from what certain people have said I'd have huge respect for.

Duckworth_Luas · 24-02-2020 6:50am

Women's slacks

corner of hells · 24-02-2020 9:49am

Age and not giving a bollix about what others think of me.

PmMeUrDogs · 24-02-2020 9:58am

Learning to stop caring what other people think.

Everyone will be gossiped about at some point. I'll never be universally liked, there will always be people who don't like my personality, looks, attitude, whatever.

But once I like myself and respect myself, none of that matters. Those who love and care for me believe I'm pretty great, and I respect myself enough to know I'm a good person. If someone doesn't like me, that's absolutely fine because chances are I won't like them much either.

looksee · 24-02-2020 10:05am

All the above, age plus a lifetime of not looking conventional, but mostly an awareness that other people are not interested in you, they are interested in themselves. Your friends will see you and like you, everyone else, well it doesn't matter what they think. No matter what you do, how you behave or what you look like, someone will feel free to judge you, so why bother what they think?

Being confident, or at least not lacking in confidence, is a decision you can make, but it can take a while to convince yourself of this. While you are working on it just get on with life.

Antares35 · 24-02-2020 11:49am

KM792 wrote: »

That's a really good point.If I had to walk into a room my default setting is are people looking at me,are they judging me etc but the truth is they're prob thinking about how they're being perceived in their own mind..are people judging me etc..

Everyone is always more invested in themselves than others anyway...

Mine was too and to be honest, it probably still is my automatic thought but then I catch myself thinking it and correct it, telling myself "actually Antares, you are wrong, they are not looking". One example I often use to re-iterate this, is I ask myself, "what was X, Y or Z wearing in the office yesterday?" and you can be guaranteed that 99 times out of 100, I won't remember because I haven't noted it. Then again, maybe that's just a lack of perceptive ability on my part!

weldoninhio · 24-02-2020 11:50am

KM792 wrote: »

I know there's the obvious one of imagining people naked when you're adressing a room..
Just curious on this one as someone who struggles a bit with confidence and presenting myself well..

What are the best lessons you have learnt through age and experience re confidence?

Fake it til you make it. Most people can't tell the difference between false confidence and real confidence. Then you get used to public speaking or whatever.

rekluse · 24-02-2020 12:08pm

Exercise.

ExoPolitic · 24-02-2020 12:10pm

Not giving a sh*t anymore

Yurt2 · 24-02-2020 12:19pm

When the penny drops that a hell of a lot of people in the professional world are in fact bluffing and learning as they go. I've also learned that just because a person has swagger and an air of bravado, it's usually not genuine confidence and centredness, it's braggadocio masking poor self-esteem.

cj maxx · 24-02-2020 12:24pm

NOT being drunk / hungover/ stoned and actually knowing what I'm talking about . And firmly believing that I know more than the people I'm talking in front of. Being the alpha male basically

Antares35 · 24-02-2020 12:46pm

Yurt! wrote: »

When the penny drops that a hell of a lot of people in the professional world are in fact bluffing and learning as they go. I've also learned that just because a person has swagger and an air of bravado, it's usually not genuine confidence and centredness, it's braggadocio masking poor self-esteem.

Yup, the truly confident people I know are the ones who are quietly confident. They know they've "got this" and they don't feel the need to prove anything or flex their muscles in front of others. Most will listen more than they talk. People with lots to prove tend to make a lot of noise.

Torino · 24-02-2020 12:50pm

The work of Eckhart Tolle, be present and don't identify with thoughts, objects, possessions or anything for that matter. You are the field of presence behind your thoughts, observe your thoughts, emotions and sense perceptions non judgementally.

Strumms · 24-02-2020 1:10pm

con747 wrote: »

Not giving a sh*t and not caring about how other people see me in their eyes.

This 1000%. I realized that with some people, it doesn’t matter how much you do, in work, your sporting endeavors, personal life etc, how selfless, how giving, how flexible... the more you often do the more they often want ... give not one fûck about any of it or them... put YOURSELF and your interests and happiness first... I’m not saying don’t be generous, or giving of your time and kindness to others but only do so where it’s appreciated...if nothing comes back and it’s a one way street all the time over time... shut the door on them... again if it’s work, sport, family...doesn’t matter...

JohnnyFlash · 24-02-2020 1:12pm

Torino wrote: »

The work of Eckhart Tolle, be present and don't identify with thoughts, objects, possessions or anything for that matter. You are the field of presence behind your thoughts, observe your thoughts, emotions and sense perceptions non judgementally.

Sounds like new age bullshït. Never heard of that dude. Presume he has lots of books and courses to sell?

Tazio · 24-02-2020 1:27pm

DJ-ing.

I was very shy and not very confident in school but loved gadgets, music, wires, speakers and nerdy electronic stuff.

In the early 90's I worked as a 'glass boy' in the bar in the local rugby club.. there was a 21st B-day party and the DJ rang in sick. The gear and records were there all setup and I knew how it all worked; so I made the decision to volunteer to spin discs until they found another real DJ.

They didn't..

The night was going well - drunk people jumping around to music all good.... until the Birthday cake part of the night!! :eek:

Birthday Cake came out and I had to sing happy birthday on a microphone to >250 strangers... but it worked out ok. Found a new confidence that night and made nice pocket money in the 90s' DJ-ing. Happy drunk people in parties are great.

Today - my kids think my vinyl collection and garage sound system is 'lame'.... confidence lost again.

Titclamp · 24-02-2020 2:04pm

Yurt! wrote: »

When the penny drops that a hell of a lot of people in the professional world are in fact bluffing and learning as they go. I've also learned that just because a person has swagger and an air of bravado, it's usually not genuine confidence and centredness, it's braggadocio masking poor self-esteem.

How poor is your self esteem.

Isn't esteem a pseudo concept anyway.

Torino · 24-02-2020 2:06pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sounds like new age bullshït. Never heard of that dude. Presume he has lots of books and courses to sell?

The ideas and principals are millenia old, whether that is "new age" I can't say.

What causes a lot of pain and suffering is identification with a "story of who I am". Presence and self acceptance is key for enjoying life as best you can.

For example if someone identifies with being a funny person they can become depressed if people stop finding them funny. If someone identifies with being a successful person it can mean job loss is more traumatic than it should be.

Titclamp · 24-02-2020 2:06pm

Torino wrote: »

The work of Eckhart Tolle, be present and don't identify with thoughts, objects, possessions or anything for that matter. You are the field of presence behind your thoughts, observe your thoughts, emotions and sense perceptions non judgementally.

Jaysus.

He's a misery merchant.

How boring of a view of reality is the one he is trying to sell. And he's made a fortune so people are gullible and searching for any auld reassurance.

BailMeOut · 24-02-2020 2:09pm

age

storker · 24-02-2020 2:12pm

I find that the best way to gain confidence is to fake it. People can't tell the difference and so they treat you as if you are confident, with the result that you feel more confident...etc.

The Tetrarch · 24-02-2020 2:12pm

If someone makes a negative comment I say that my opinion of myself does not depend on what they say.

Titclamp · 24-02-2020 2:18pm

Torino wrote: »

He gives his advice on dealing with anxiety.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYR2hN8zgzE

If people weren't stuck with learned helplessness he'd be out of business.

He needs your misery to make money.

The Tetrarch · 24-02-2020 2:18pm

Torino wrote: »

But you will likely still be plagued by anxiety about your own opinion of your self.

Not a chance.

razorblunt · 24-02-2020 2:19pm

Regarding public speaking, I think it often helps when you realise in the vast majority of situations and for the vast majority of people they don't want to be there any more than you do, so just say your piece and sit down.

mistress_gi · 24-02-2020 2:36pm

It helped my confidence when I realised people, not matter how "important" they are, are only people. Flawed like the rest of us.
Remarkably statistic has also helped me a lot, when you consider the infinitesimal probability that we are all here at this time, we are all special at the end of the day

chrissb8 · 24-02-2020 2:49pm

Realising that we're all going to die and we are all the center of our own universes. Also, if anyone is looking at me or cares what they think of me f**k them because I have a great group of friends and was brought up by great parents that say otherwise.

I know this sounds arrogant, but sometimes you have to say to yourself I am the s**t particularly in work environments where you have to be assured and concrete in decisions at times. It's trusting yourself implicity and being your biggest fan.

Stoolbend · 24-02-2020 9:55pm

Drink.

When I started drinking as a teenager I didn't care what people thought about me. It just kinda carried over to when I didn't have a drink then.

Titclamp · 24-02-2020 11:16pm

Torino wrote: »

I don't think you understand what presence is.

I don't think you know that you don't know.

Difference between docility and illusion of presence of mind.

beejee · 25-02-2020 12:02am

Having a penis that runs the length of christendom. So tread carefully, for you tread on my lad.

Elemonator · 25-02-2020 12:06am

Faking it until I made it.

Bronco Bullfrog · 25-02-2020 1:00pm

Lyan wrote: »

I've never understood how a person can feel comfortable in a room full of naked people.

I'm like a blind man at an orgy....just feeling my way around...just bumbling along life's busy highway

bcklschaps · 25-02-2020 1:04pm

KM792 wrote: »

I know there's the obvious one of imagining people naked when you're adressing a room..
Just curious on this one as someone who struggles a bit with confidence and presenting myself well..

What are the best lessons you have learnt through age and experience re confidence?

Smoking. Seriously try it.

What has helped you most with confidence?

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