Fights over money ruining relationships...advice please.

Pretty Polly · 08-12-2019 2:25pm #1

I'm seeing a guy for a year, im 30, he's 34. I'm a pretty organised person, a saver and I like to plan my meals etc. He's the opposite, he gets paid a good bit more, he works longer days and gets the majority of his food out every day. They only have a microwave and kettle in the work 'canteen'.

I'm definitely a saver so I find it hard to see him throw away so much money on food, it's not even healthy food that he buys, its chicken fillet rolls etc.

We spend 1 night midweek and weekends together and I cook. He usually makes a fry or buys a chicken fillet roll on Sat and Sunday morning. That's what he eats most mornings!! Today I tried to get him to give cereal a go and make a sandwich for work tomorrow. He said he is sick of me nagging him about food. To be fair I do nag, but only out of pure frustration. Also there was fresh bread, ham, cheese etc. He said it wouldn't be as fresh on Monday.

Everything else in the relationship is going great, apart from the food issue. Do I back down and just let him be and stop trying to interfere or mammy him?? I feel anything I'm doing comes from a place of love and caring for him. It just annoys me that he wastes so much of his money.. and I know it's his money, on fast food.
Also he's a normal weight, plays golf, has no debt or loans.

banie01 · 08-12-2019 2:30pm

Your post title relates to fights over money, yet your post body plays out as you being concerned about his eating habits.
Which is it?

It's his money, and his eating habits.
What makes you think that other than raising a suggestion regarding his diet or his spending that you can dictate or impose what he does?

You don't have the right to nag, reiterate or even further strongly suggest anything, and if you feel you do or that you need to do so continuously this may not be the relationship for you.

lainey_d_123 · 08-12-2019 3:08pm

OP, his eating and spending habits are literally none of your business. You're not married, you're not living together...there is no reason whatever to be nagging him about what he eats or spends. I'd find a partner nagging me to make a packed lunch bang out of order. If he wants to get a chicken fillet roll instead of making lunch, he has every right to do so, whether or not you think he 'should'.

lozenges · 08-12-2019 4:04pm

It is none of your business. Why do you think it should be?
He's an adult, he can make his own decisions. He obviously doesn't want your input, so leave it alone.

heldel00 · 08-12-2019 4:34pm

I think I'm married to your boyfriend!!!

cannotlogin · 08-12-2019 4:35pm

If he tried to get you to follow his diet,you wouldn't like it or do it but you expect him too. Nagging isn't sexy, attractive or condusive to a healthy relationship. Leave him alone fgs

antix80 · 08-12-2019 4:43pm

It's not about money and it's not about the food he eats. It's about your desire to control this aspect of his life-namely something he's doing without you. You're trying to frame it as a money issue that affects your relationship but you're lying to several people.. Him, us and yourself.

Have you considered there's a social aspect of ordering food with his workmates, or that maybe he enjoys the food he eats?

Back off or walk. Nagging is tiresome and demoralising but taken further may be considered a form of domestic abuse.. Attempting to control your partner financially and starting rows for no other reason than your ego. Sort yourself out instead of trying to sort him out. You'll be happier.

Pablo_Flox · 09-12-2019 11:10am

If someone I was dating started nagging me and trying to control me like that they would be out the door quicker than I could eat my next chicken roll.

rainbowtrout · 10-12-2019 12:34am

It's not a waste if he is eating it. It's expensive but if he does not have any debt, then he can afford to eat out. He might be eating a heap of junk food in comparison to what you are eating, but you cannot control what he eats. He may come to the conclusion that he needs to change his diet in a few years time if he finds that he's putting on weight, has a health issue etc. But you cannot force him to eat cereal or sandwiches or whatever if he does not want to.

If you were living together and had pooled finances and his spending habits were impacting on your joint ability to pay bills, save for a mortgage, wedding etc, then you might have a case for switching from buying a chicken fillet roll in a deli to bringing a sandwich from home, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

I'd say drop your nagging about his diet. If he wants to change his diet, he will do it himself.

bitofabind · 10-12-2019 1:24am

You see all of this is about perspective. Maybe to him, planning meals and brown-bagging your lunch every day is boring and removes the enjoyment or social aspect of work. I buy my lunch and/or dinner out most days because I hate cooking, I like the variety and I can afford to, simple as that. So it's not a "waste of money", I still manage to save more than most and girl's gotta eat!

Now if your fella was throwing money at a serious booze or drug habit, you might have a case. But he is literally living his life and that's it.

I'd see this as a compatibility issue. What happens if the relationship gets more serious and you move in together? What other aspects of his non organised, non planned life are you going to try to change?

sallyanne12 · 10-12-2019 10:09am

What's wrong with chicken fillet rolls?!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 10-12-2019 3:15pm

You need to (well first of all you need to back off) figure out why this is annoying you.

It's frustrating you to see him spend the amount of money he does on food, why? He manages his money fine (no debt or loans) and it has NO impact on your life, apart from your drive to express your dislike of it,which is having a negative impact on your relationship.

The health aspect seems to be a concern for you too? I can see how his diet might be leading you to worry about his long term health but it's early days for that, and it is his body and his life. You don't have to accept that in a partner but if it's vitally then find a healthy eating partner, and it does seem incidental to the money issue.

I actually despise the word nagging but in this case yes it's apt. Few enough people would readily describe their behaviour as nagging in my experience as well but you went right ahead.

Look if you have a genuine issue on principle with someone spending their disposable income on convenience food, then you have an issue with your relationship with money. What do you spend yours on to treat yourself? Save up for big spends or some day to day indulgences? Neither?

If you have an issue with him just not doing what you think is best to do and what you've told him to do, then you have an issue with control in your relationships. You seem half aware of this seeing as you're describing it as interfering and mammying but you need to know it's not ok.

Neyite · 13-12-2019 5:26pm

How would you feel if he was telling you what to do with your money and constantly at you about what you ate?

skallywag · 13-12-2019 7:02pm

OP, let's call a spade a spade.

Your issue is really nothing at all to do with money, is it? OP, no man that I know of is going to put up with this class of behaviour.

You can probably consider yourself lucky that he is still in the picture and has not kicked you into touch by now. You are being completely unreasonable.

99nsr125 · 17-12-2019 2:09am

Wow, just wow to other responses.

If it's something he's never done he won't know how to do it. Broaden the Horizons by giving easy choices.Make him breakfast. Make him lunch but with a really nice filling. Be proactive not argumentative, if you come across as critical instead of constructive he won't even listen he will just push back as part of defensiveness.

rainbowtrout · 17-12-2019 11:20am

99nsr125 wrote: »

Wow, just wow to other responses.

If it's something he's never done he won't know how to do it. Broaden the Horizons by giving easy choices.Make him breakfast. Make him lunch but with a really nice filling. Be proactive not argumentative, if you come across as critical instead of constructive he won't even listen he will just push back as part of defensiveness.

Or it’s something he knows how to do but chooses not to. She’s also not his mother, he can make his own meals. She’s suggested alternatives and he doesn’t want them. What makes you think he will eat them just because she prepares them. I’d say that would just lead to a row and accusations of being controlling.

punisher5112 · 17-12-2019 11:25am

Oh dear lord jebus, I couldn't deal with the op at all.

He earns more so has more to spend....

I'd understand more that there was issues if he was one of them ones that didn't spend a cent and never got you anything or that.

SusieBlue · 17-12-2019 11:38am

Yes, stop interfering and trying to be his mammy.
What he chooses to spend his money on is absolutely none of your business. Stop trying to involve yourself in his finances. How would you feel if he was constantly nagging you about what you chose to spend your own hard earned wages on?
What you may see as wasteful, he might see as money well spent.
Your behaviour comes across as really controlling and posessive and if my brothers partner was carrying on like you are just one year into the relationship, I'd be telling him to get rid.

Why do you think its acceptable to give him grief over this?
He's financially secure and has no debts or loans, there's far worse things he could be spending his money on than a few chicken fillet rolls and takeaways.

Jurgen Klopp · 17-12-2019 11:43am

Sure if you are so worried about what he's eating just buy a few lunchboxs and make his lunch for him

Pablo_Flox · 17-12-2019 11:49am

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Sure if you are so worried about what he's eating just buy a few lunchboxs and make his lunch for him

Or, maybe leave him alone to be an adult and make his own decisions about what he eats. He works hard, and works long hours. If he wants to spend some money on lunches out, and have a fry at the weekend let him!

I have a strong suspicion that if OP gets her way with what he eats it wont be long until she wants to have a say on what he can wear, and when he can see his friends... its a slippery slope!

Airyfairy12 · 22-12-2019 2:47am

This might just be me but if I was going out with someone and they started telling me how to spend my hard earned money, I wouldnt be very happy about it. Youre not entitled to anybodies money and youve no right to tell someone else how they should spend their own cash. Id even go as far to say that married couples dont have that entitlement. If youre living together and bills and rent or mortgage are being split how each of you decide to split them then all other money he earns is his and your own money is yours.

Tbh either your boyfriend will just ignore you which will irritate you more or he'll just start lying to you about it.

Fights over money ruining relationships...advice please.

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