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13-02-2020, 12:26   #4681
Bullocks
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Ah, leave him be. He’s just a bit sour as yer man, Urethra Franklin, got on his “case” over a post he made in the “Conor McGregor” thread.

Anyway, I’ve had a dreadful morning. You know you’re on to a “bad one” when you feel the need to crap after you’ve showered. Well, I ignored the call straight away. I’ll admit it, I was being stubborn but, trust me, I paid for my contumaciousness. Paid dearly.

I’ve suffered worse when holding things on the “clutch”, so didn’t think anything of it. Was only once the bagel was in the toaster than things really took a turn. I couldn’t go straight away so I was doing that foot to foot “hop” that you really hope actually does something.

Hightailed it to the jacks as soon as I could. I’m pretty sure the “turtle head” had breached the hull and was, at least 3/4” cold. Once I sat the mudslide commenced. The initial load was solid enough but it started to turn “mushy”. This is where I think things went wrong.

Now, just to let you know, I wasn’t aware that anything was wrong. I made that “dirty” discovery when it was time to complete the paperwork. Good god. Now, I’m a “folder”, I don’t go in for the “bunched” paper model. Folding saved my life, in this situation. If I had bunched my hand would have been “compromised”, and smelly.

I’m still at a loss as to what happened. If anyone recalls my problem with “the garrotte” they’ll know I’ve been through cleaning of the barse, and surrounding areas. This was far messier and there was no, obvious cause, that last time two hairs had tangled and just wreaked havoc.

All sides of the hole were thick with “mess”. Thick with it. Once again I was left cursing the hair. I couldn’t get clean. I even employed the use of the kid’s “wet wipes” but still wasn’t up to, what I would call, an acceptable “standard”.

That left me only one “option”. Back to the shower. I was raging. Obviously, I didn’t go through the whole process again, I just focused on, thoroughly, cleaning out “between the cheeks”.

Well late, as a result. Very bad start. Had to proffer a lame excuse of “sleeping in”. But at least I’m clean.
Bidet, Emmet. That's what you should treat yourself to. By the sounds of things you would get plenty of use out of it. If you hang on maybe the greens will bring out a grant for them to save the rainforest
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13-02-2020, 13:33   #4682
Urethral Buttercup
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All sides of the hole were thick with “mess”. Thick with it. Once again I was left cursing the hair. I couldn’t get clean. I even employed the use of the kid’s “wet wipes” but still wasn’t up to, what I would call, an acceptable “standard”.
I hope you didn't flush the wet wipes Emmet. Very bad for the environment. You shouldn't be buying them at all to be honest. There are places in darkest Africa where the countryside is full of wet wipes clogging up rivers and streams, hanging of trees, interfering with yams etc.
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13-02-2020, 13:41   #4683
EmmetSpiceland
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Bidet, Emmet. That's what you should treat yourself to. By the sounds of things you would get plenty of use out of it. If you hang on maybe the greens will bring out a grant for them to save the rainforest
Good shout, B.

I did consider “perching” over the side of the bath and going at “it” with the hose but, in the end, I felt the full force of the shower, coupled with some suds, would work best.

Anyway, I’m still not sold on bidet “etiquette”. Especially when it comes to “drying off”.

I’m sure I’ve asked this before, but is there a “communal” towel or an individual set and then, maybe, one for guests?

I wouldn’t fancy “drying” with toilet paper as I’ve found drying my hands with the stuff can be, well, difficult. Lots of bits left on the surface.

I know the, more modern, Japanese toilet, or bidet, probably comes with a drying “setting” but I’m talking about the, excuse the pun, “bog standard” home bidet.
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13-02-2020, 13:57   #4684
Urethral Buttercup
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I’m sure I’ve asked this before, but is there a “communal” towel or an individual set and then, maybe, one for guests?
Typically families will share the towel Emmet, much the same as a hand towel. At least where I've travelled.
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13-02-2020, 14:05   #4685
EmmetSpiceland
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I hope you didn't flush the wet wipes Emmet. Very bad for the environment. You shouldn't be buying them at all to be honest. There are places in darkest Africa where the countryside is full of wet wipes clogging up rivers and streams, hanging of trees, interfering with yams etc.
This was an emergency, U. Extenuating circumstances.

Now, first off, these wipes are the “flushable” kind. I understand that that doesn’t make them any better for the environment but they are better than the “regular” ones. I’ll admit I did go through nearly half a packet but, as I said, it was an emergency.

Rest-assured, I shall endeavour to “offset” the excessive usage via other avenues.

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Typically families will share the towel Emmet, much the same as a hand towel. At least where I've travelled.
Ugh, I’m not a fan of that. I’d like my own towel, please.
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13-02-2020, 16:29   #4686
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This was an emergency, U. Extenuating circumstances.

Now, first off, these wipes are the “flushable” kind. I understand that that doesn’t make them any better for the environment but they are better than the “regular” ones. I’ll admit I did go through nearly half a packet but, as I said, it was an emergency.

Rest-assured, I shall endeavour to “offset” the excessive usage via other avenues.



Ugh, I’m not a fan of that. I’d like my own towel, please.
Hairdryer Emmett, one foot on the floor one on the pot, setting lowish and keep a good spread ………. happy days.

They have these kind of aerosol ‘bombs’ which if held over the ‘tincter’ area and activated, send a cloud of perfumed powder all over the giblets.

A little dab with the hand includes the muzzle area and it’s very ‘contained’ no dust all over the place.

A small tip of cling film over the bell end if you don’t want the matt finish.
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13-02-2020, 21:41   #4687
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Now, first off, these wipes are the “flushable” kind.
They're not really, though. Still a quick route to an appointment with Dyno-Rod.
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13-02-2020, 21:56   #4688
EmmetSpiceland
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They're not really, though. Still a quick route to an appointment with Dyno-Rod.
Look, I’ve been through this. I know they’re not the “best” but I was in the middle of a bloody EMERGENCY!!!
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14-02-2020, 07:43   #4689
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Just spit on the double velvet, it cuts through the layers with ease.

Be careful you don’t poke a finger through as it dies affect the structural integrity of the TP
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14-02-2020, 09:45   #4690
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Just spit on the double velvet, it cuts through the layers with ease.

Be careful you don’t poke a finger through as it dies affect the structural integrity of the TP
You strike me as a two-ply sort of guy.
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14-02-2020, 10:23   #4691
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We use Kittensoft Velvet Dreams or whatever it's called. Ignore the soft cushioned side though, the flat textured side is usually the one you want
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14-02-2020, 10:56   #4692
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Hairdryer Emmett, one foot on the floor one on the pot, setting lowish and keep a good spread ………. happy days.

They have these kind of aerosol ‘bombs’ which if held over the ‘tincter’ area and activated, send a cloud of perfumed powder all over the giblets.

A little dab with the hand includes the muzzle area and it’s very ‘contained’ no dust all over the place.

A small tip of cling film over the bell end if you don’t want the matt finish.
The attention to detail is excellent. Most professional. You wouldn't be a Painter & Decorator, Brendan?
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14-02-2020, 10:58   #4693
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Hairdryer Emmett, one foot on the floor one on the pot, setting lowish and keep a good spread ………. happy days.
No sockets allowed in the jacks in this country though.
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14-02-2020, 13:23   #4694
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No sockets allowed in the jacks in this country though.
Extension lead under the door. I do it all the time for the beard strimmer.
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14-02-2020, 13:32   #4695
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This is where the Europeans are way head of the game- bidets. Makes up for the rubbish sewerage system where you cannot flush papers down the toilet. But then again better for the environment.

My parents had one installed when they built the house in the mid-80s (now gone). I only ever used it for washing my football boots as a young lad.
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