How did you get here?

Tell me how · 12-11-2019 9:13pm #1

There are generally 3 specific areas which we spend a lot of our time being affected by; our job, our relationship and the location in which we live.
I am curious to what degree people felt they planned their current status in respect to each of these. Did they strive to get there, just accept what came their way or are currently still looking?

I am currently 40, and right now, each of the above is in flux. This is largely by choice (definitely in case of job and location) as I have sought new opportunities etc but also I do go through phases for short periods thinking I need to literally settle down.

This came to mind because I was recently seeing someone who commented a lot on how she'd like if I was in a fixed position so she would feel more comfortable about pursuing a relationship. I thought about that and while I do feel I would love to have a relationship which makes me put job and location very much in second place in terms of priority, I don't know should this be a conscious decision or how do you tease out exactly how you feel about things?

How did other people think about this? Or did you even have to?

P.S. I am aware I do overthink things.
P.P.S. I'm not suggesting you cannot be happy unless you are in a relationship.

12-11-2019 9:16pm

By fixed position do you mean not moving around physically from location to location?

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 12-11-2019 9:16pm

I went with the flow. I knew what interested me and edged that way job wise. Relationships and location just came along as life moved on. Decisions and sacrifices were made along the way but I never gave it too much thought to be honest.

Leg End Reject · 12-11-2019 9:17pm

There was never a plan with me, one thing just lead to another.

TheValeyard · 12-11-2019 9:18pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

By fixed position do you mean not moving around physically from location to location?

If we're talking about physically then Babylon Candles are the only way to go.

12-11-2019 9:20pm

some go with the flow, some deliberate going for it

Tell me how · 12-11-2019 9:21pm

Deleted User wrote: »

By fixed position do you mean not moving around physically from location to location?

In my situation, she is US based and I am, temporarily, but she was/is afraid of developing feelings and then I have to leave.

Best case scenario, feelings are solid and reciprocated and ultimately one of us doesn't mind moving to accommodate but heading in to a relationship with that thought in mind puts it under pressure.

Tell me how · 12-11-2019 9:22pm

Cassandra Wet Xerox wrote: »

I went with the flow. I knew what interested me and edged that way job wise. Relationships and location just came along as life moved on. Decisions and sacrifices were made along the way but I never gave it too much thought to be honest.

Can understand that. Sounds pretty ideal.
Unfortunately, I think my age is influencing a sense that a decision has to be made. Or will have to be made.

12-11-2019 9:31pm

Tell me how wrote: »

In my situation, she is US based and I am, temporarily, but she was/is afraid of developing feelings and then I have to leave.

Best case scenario, feelings are solid and reciprocated and ultimately one of us doesn't mind moving to accommodate but heading in to a relationship with that thought in mind puts it under pressure.

I get you. You can't regulate her hopes and fears for her though. If you are both willing to give it a go while understanding that things may not go as planned then great. If she isn't willing because if your situation then that's hers, her hesitancy, her stuff.
As long a you are ok with the life you are living, as long as you are ok with not being physically settled in one place. You can't live your life based on what ifs.

For me I am currently in a state of emotional flux as I face a huge decision. Choices I made have led me to this point. I think that's really all it comes down to Tmh, the choices we make.
Sure we can say "go with the flow" but it's not wise to be a passive traveller through your life.
Even the most easygoing make choices.

The hard part is figuring out where it is you want to be and then doing what needs to be done to get there.

jaxxx · 12-11-2019 9:34pm

I forgot that left turn at Albuquerque.

12-11-2019 9:36pm

the aul fella rode the aul wan, some years later a public job seemed a safe bet and some years later again all the good public jobs were in dublin

gifted · 12-11-2019 9:38pm

Quit a well paying job in 2006...put house on market 6 weeks later and sold it just as the bust arrived.......the rest is history........

Purple Mountain · 12-11-2019 9:41pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

By fixed position do you mean not moving around physically from location to location?

That's discrimination against traveller posters though.

12-11-2019 9:41pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

That's discrimination against traveller posters though.

Quantum Erasure · 12-11-2019 9:47pm

This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful wife!

gifted · 12-11-2019 9:50pm

Quantum Erasure wrote: »

This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

Tell me how · 12-11-2019 9:57pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I get you. You can't regulate her hopes and fears for her though. If you are both willing to give it a go while understanding that things may not go as planned then great. If she isn't willing because if your situation then that's hers, her hesitancy, her stuff.
As long a you are ok with the life you are living, as long as you are ok with not being physically settled in one place. You can't live your life based on what ifs.

For me I am currently in a state of emotional flux as I face a huge decision. Choices I made have led me to this point. I think that's really all it comes down to Tmh, the choices we make.
Sure we can say "go with the flow" but it's not wise to be a passive traveller through your life.
Even the most easygoing make choices.

The hard part is figuring out where it is you want to be and then doing what needs to be done to get there.

This is the crux of it Persepoly.

This is what lead me to starting the thread, I wondered do others actually think it through in the form of getting to a point of consciously making a decision, or do they just accept the first option open to them or the one which will mean only an acceptable level of change.

I seem to focus too much on the 'What if' consideration which I know helps me explore new options but also hampers me in some ways, but I don't know how to recognize when to stop asking it.

0lddog · 12-11-2019 9:58pm

Leg End Reject wrote: »

There was never a plan with me, one thing just lead to another.

Me2

Takes all sorts tho

Tell me how wrote: »

.......I seem to focus too much on the 'What if' consideration which I know helps me explore new options but also hampers me in some ways, but I don't know how to recognize when to stop asking it.

Is it possible to take it all to seriously ?

By way of another view point : I know someone who decided long ago that he was going to change career every 10 years. For sure he has had an interesting life but hardly one that most people would consider planned.

Tell me how · 12-11-2019 10:01pm

gifted wrote: »

Quit a well paying job in 2006...put house on market 6 weeks later and sold it just as the bust arrived.......the rest is history........

How much of that was a conscious decision to act in order to fulfil a need, or was the decision making out of your control to some degree?

I bought a house in 2006 (Not yours I'm sure) with very little time spent thinking about it and often wonder why I did that as it tied me to an area more than it should have. (Hindsight is 20/20 of course)

12-11-2019 10:03pm

Tell me how wrote: »

This is the crux of it Persepoly.

This is what lead me to starting the thread, I wondered do others actually think it through in the form of getting to a point of consciously making a decision, or do they just accept the first option open to them or the one which will mean only an acceptable level of change.

I seem to focus too much on the 'What if' consideration which I know helps me explore new options but also hampers me in some ways, but I don't know how to recognize when to stop asking it.

I'm not sure if they do. Change can be painful and fear can stop us moving forward and making a conscious decision for our lives.
Something I read recently suggested writing down all the things we are certain of instead of focusing on the "don't knows". Maybe you could think about what you know you want. Write it down. Push the what ifs to one side.

In my life I made conscious decisions. Sure stuff did just happen, stuff that was outside my control, but for the most part I decided. Like you the what ifs tend to weigh heavily but they can serve as another block, same as fear.

gifted · 12-11-2019 10:09pm

Tell me how wrote: »

How much of that was a conscious decision to act in order to fulfil a need, or was the decision making out of your control to some degree?

I bought a house in 2006 (Not yours I'm sure) with very little time spent thinking about it and often wonder why I did that as it tied me to an area more than it should have. (Hindsight is 20/20 of course)

I bought the house a few months after splitting up from a long term girlfriend....I spent 2 years doing it up and 2 years living in it....it was 40 min drive out of cork city.... I was ready to start meeting people again so it made sense to sell it and move back into the city.

Alf Veedersane · 12-11-2019 10:37pm

Sat-nav

HBC08 · 12-11-2019 10:38pm

Its a tough one.

I was in a somewhat similar situation.I left Ireland pretty much straight after college and went to live and work in Asia,was supposed to be 6 months and ended up being 10 years.

The craic was mighty,I was earning big money towards the end and I had a nice life going for myself.Coming up to 30 I kinda made a decision that I would be returning home before 35 to "settle down".This was partly because I saw friends of mine in their 40s who were still partying and living the life of a 22 year old (no harm in that by the way) I just didnt want to be in that position.

I left the nice job and life and arrived back into the middle of the recession to the west of Ireland with no job and having to move back in with the parents and go on the dole (not great at 35!) At this point I was beginning to second guess my decision.

I managed to get a ****ty office job and rent a house.I then got a better job and was lucky enough to get my own house.

I was on Tinder and PoF with mixed results.At this point I was contemplating the fact that I might be settling down on my own.However I was lucky enough to meet a girl (though friends...imagine that!) and it all worked out pretty good.

Apologies for the life story!
The point is im glad i gave myself the chance and opportunity to have the "settled down" life. I wouldnt have had the same options if I has returned home 10 years later.
My advise would be to have a good think about what youd like your life to look like in the next 5-10 years and then made it happen (hope that doesnt sound condescending!)

Tell me how · 12-11-2019 11:01pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Sat-nav

I know you joke, but it's a question along the same lines of the thread.

Is there anyone you'd trust to make such decisions for you?

Tell me how · 12-11-2019 11:11pm

HBC08 wrote: »

Apologies for the life story!
The point is im glad i gave myself the chance and opportunity to have the "settled down" life. I wouldnt have had the same options if I has returned home 10 years later.
My advise would be to have a good think about what youd like your life to look like in the next 5-10 years and then made it happen (hope that doesnt sound condescending!)

No need for apologies, that is why I started a thread on this.

In terms of thinking what you'd like your life to look like. I'm trying that in terms of job/location. But it feels like the wrong approach in terms of a relationship. Is there not a greater chance with that approach of simply convincing yourself that the person you have the opportunity to be with is the right person for you?

I know, for me, the priority option is a satisfactory relationship but when I started to think of sacrificing job/location opportunities it felt like the wrong thing to do. Maybe that in itself is a strong enough indicator that this relationship isn't 'the one', but again, how do I know. I can feel different a day later or a few hours later.

(This relationship hardly even qualifies as such, but it did start the head thinking on making choices, hence the thread)

khalessi · 12-11-2019 11:24pm

For me I wanted happiness. So I trained in a job that brought me around the world and let me have experiences I would not have had if I stayed. It also helped me realise that I didn't have to stay in that job forever. When I came home I went to college got a job in an area that was great fun and made me very happy but wasn't permanent or well paid.

I was getting older and different things made me happy so I went back to college again and have the job I have now. All along I wanted a family and always thought it would happen in my 20s but although there were romances, they were never solid enough. I eventually met someone and married and had children, only for my spouse to become controlling and dangerous. We separated and it took a long time to trust again but I met someone else who has made me so happy and everything feels somewhat balanced in my life, the kids are happy again, my job is great and my partner is wonderful. I feel lucky and happy. I just let the quest for happiness be my guide and for where I am now I would go through everything again for the kids I have and to be at this point. Sometimes you just gotta jump and take a chance and trust yourself

Alf Veedersane · 12-11-2019 11:49pm

Tell me how wrote: »

I know you joke, but it's a question along the same lines of the thread.

Is there anyone you'd trust to make such decisions for you?

Reminds me of a book I read some time ago: The Dice Man. The premise was that the main character decided that we always make decisions based on sub conscious bias so started making decisions based on the roll of the dice.

Would I trust someone else to make decisions for me? No. I've ended up in the situations I want to be in based on the decisions I've made.

Tell me how · 13-11-2019 2:57am

khalessi wrote: »

For me I wanted happiness. So I trained in a job that brought me around the world and let me have experiences I would not have had if I stayed. It also helped me realise that I didn't have to stay in that job forever. When I came home I went to college got a job in an area that was great fun and made me very happy but wasn't permanent or well paid.

I was getting older and different things made me happy so I went back to college again and have the job I have now. All along I wanted a family and always thought it would happen in my 20s but although there were romances, they were never solid enough. I eventually met someone and married and had children, only for my spouse to become controlling and dangerous. We separated and it took a long time to trust again but I met someone else who has made me so happy and everything feels somewhat balanced in my life, the kids are happy again, my job is great and my partner is wonderful. I feel lucky and happy. I just let the quest for happiness be my guide and for where I am now I would go through everything again for the kids I have and to be at this point. Sometimes you just gotta jump and take a chance and trust yourself

But, did you, when you were younger see a path of travel, job satisfaction, reeducation, family etc, or, did you just approach each step as it happened with a positive attitude.
I admire either approach and the idea of pursuing happiness is a noble one but I'm wondering did you agonise over the change in life/career direction as to which was the best path to take. Like, with the right attitude, you can find happiness in either direction, so which direction...

Tell me how · 13-11-2019 3:01am

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Reminds me of a book I read some time ago: The Dice Man. The premise was that the main character decided that we always make decisions based on sub conscious bias so started making decisions based on the roll of the dice.

Would I trust someone else to make decisions for me? No. I've ended up in the situations I want to be in based on the decisions I've made.

I read a book by a guy called Danny Wallace, called 'Yes Man' where he said Yes to every opportunity which came his way. If I remember correctly, it didn't particularly lead to any great enlightenment or sense of contentment.

The idea of having someone make decisions for you sounds appealing, until they'd actually start to do it.

cj maxx · 13-11-2019 3:09am

By being mentally deficient and bad decisions

Graces7 · 13-11-2019 7:37am

BY ferry then minibus taxi.

Oh you mean HERE!

Nowhere else to go when the last rental house proved to be a death trap fire hazard with an ultra aggressive ll.
Rentals are proving almost impossible to find.
h
Now old age and serious and increasing disability /illness has meant I need a stable home and "here" has provided it perfectly. Space for me and my cats, work for my hands that will support those my faith family helps... peace and beauty

Here I am and here I will stay until they airlift me to my chosen resting place .

Graces7 · 13-11-2019 7:39am

Tell me how wrote: »

I read a book by a guy called Danny Wallace, called 'Yes Man' where he said Yes to every opportunity which came his way. If I remember correctly, it didn't particularly lead to any great enlightenment or sense of contentment.

The idea of having someone make decisions for you sounds appealing, until they'd actually start to do it.

Oh how true! Some have tried it with me; they will never ever do so again,

OneArt · 13-11-2019 8:00am

All 3 factors are results of my choice, or directing events so that they comply with what I want.

I grew up in South Africa, a very tense place to live. Moved to Ireland as a kid and while better in many ways (from a safety point of view), it is just too rural and quiet for me. But I love my family/friends there and visit often as Germany is only a short flight away, so it's a good compromise. I chose the Cologne area to live in because it is slap-bang in the middle of Europe and now I've been here a couple of years.

For me anyway, life is so much more varied and interesting. There are so many places I can travel to cheaply and quickly. There are so many big cities near each other, events going on, a great bar culture (seriously, the German and Irish pub scenes are my favourite). Having this place as a "base" and using it to travel frequently to others is just the perfect setup. I would even consider Hamburg because of proximity and although I LOVE Berlin, there's not much else around it.

There are certainly a few things I love about Ireland that you simply do not get anywhere else. But being there all the time gets very boring for me very quickly. I can't imagine permanently settling there again, but I can always see myself spending time there regularly.

Jobwise I never, ever wanted to be physically restricted in terms of work. I studied translation and now I'm in digital marketing which can literally be done from anywhere. I did a stint working full-time in an office and it drove me mad. How things are now, I can visit family at a moment's notice and keep working regardless. I can also upsticks and move to another city if I want without having to change jobs. All of this was on purpose, though I never originally imagined myself as a marketing person. However, these days it has become somemthing of a technical job which has forced me to learn to program, which I f*cking love doing. I decided to learn JavaScript, a few frameworks and PHP as an insurance. Basically, all the skills I've developed were a) in line with what I'm passionate about and b) enable me to work with just a laptop and Internet. My idea of hell would be sitting 5 days a week in an office. Never, ever want to do that again.

Relationship took much longer. I'm not an overly romantic or sexual person, but it is nice to have a companion in a sense. We both can work from wherever and travel frequently together. We even live together. That being said, I can't spend 24/7 with the same person. Even my closest friends I need breaks from. This made me incompatible romantically with a lot of people and I ended those relationships because I didn't get enough space. It was essentially many years of trying and testing until I found someone who had similar views to me. We can do short-distance, long-distance, whatever. We mix it up frequently but we're always there for each other when push comes to shove. It's the right amount of space and closeness and I'm so glad I never settled for anything less.

Black Swan · 13-11-2019 9:41am

Tell me how wrote: »

I am curious to what degree people felt they planned their current status in respect to each of these. Did they strive to get there, just accept what came their way or are currently still looking?

Faculty brat, at university, and went with the flow.

13-11-2019 10:49am

Tell me how wrote: »

There are generally 3 specific areas which we spend a lot of our time being affected by; our job, our relationship and the location in which we live.

For me it was mostly accepting what came along when it did. I was a layabout waster for my college period and some time after. And then when I finally pulled myself out of that I was focused on bettering just myself.

While doing that a job popped along that I just got lucky to take. Some time after that I met the girls at a music gig meetup and we slowly started and evolved into this weird relationship.

Then some time after that I heard that there was a big auction of a factory near Maynooth that all the auctioneers were at - but at the same time a house and land in Maynooth area was going up for auction and since all the auctioneers were busy up the road I went to it and got the house at a relatively good price.

So house - work - and relationship all just kind of happened on their own with little input from me other than to take the chances when they presented themselves to me.

OldGoat · 13-11-2019 10:58am

Relationship due to good luck.
Occupation due to necessity.
Location due to circumstances.

'tis kismet.

Witchie · 13-11-2019 12:09pm

Most people would consider that I screwed up when I was young. Had it all but chose to marry at 20 and pop out 2 babies shortly after. Had jobs I lived, some I hated but did what I needed to put a roof over my kids's heads especially when I kicked himself to the kerb.

Always had an Endgame plan though. Sell the house and move to the South of France to write and work in a coffee shop/bar. Things changed slightly in that I moved to Asia instead and make enough money writing (occasionally teach English too) not to work full-time.

Had many relationships along the way but didn't bring them into my family life so they didn't work well but my boys were my priority.

Now have the loveliest boyfriend on the planet (he's Malay) but even though we are happy, I am in Ireland until January then moving from Kuala Lumpur where we lived together to Thailand for a few months at least. Our relationship might not survive but I have over 25 years of pretty much being on my own so I can cope and I will never let anyone dictate where I live or what I do again.

Like One Art I am location independent, except one company I edit for want me on site for a few months but since they are feeding me and letting me live rent free in a house across the road from a beach in Koh Samui, I don't mind being tied down until August.

Graces7 · 13-11-2019 12:55pm

Graces7 wrote: »

BY ferry then minibus taxi.

Oh you mean HERE!

Nowhere else to go when the last rental house proved to be a death trap fire hazard with an ultra aggressive ll.
Rentals are proving almost impossible to find.
h
Now old age and serious and increasing disability /illness has meant I need a stable home and "here" has provided it perfectly. Space for me and my cats, work for my hands that will support those my faith family helps... peace and beauty

Here I am and here I will stay until they airlift me to my chosen resting place .

"Here" as in the other posts is a different matter.

In my mid-20s. a high -flying teacher with special extra qualifications that ere in great and prestigious demand, I fell ill.
No diagnosis so they assumed "nerves" and gave me advice that was to set me back years. I struggled back into teaching to collapse again.
Then tried every job I could get; cooking in an old folks home, home help, private teaching, making and selling soft toys... childrens home
DId anything and everything to stay in work

All to no avail. And no living family

Onward decades to living on a small Scottish island and loving much of it; was self sufficient with critters and garden .
Then to Ireland; had lived over here a while way back and loved it and it seemed a better proposition than the UK in many ways. I was nearing retirement age anyways. The UK is very crowded now. Not the land of my childhood and earlier life. Unrecognisable .

I started market trading my handwork to support the work of my faith-family, and moved around, then retired from that.. 12 hour days in all weathers at my age! so was able to fulfil my yearning to return to this part of Mayo where I had been my first while in Ireland AND to island life. Awed that this place came up! Has been a long settling for many reasons but am rooted. Before the time as now when mobility is challenged and I need and desire to stay home. Skilled in the management of this illness so no fears there.
I have greater freedom and peace here than anywhere else. Nearing the end of a long and varied and often very difficult life. And at peace

13-11-2019 12:57pm

A Series of unfortunate events..

Sleepy · 13-11-2019 1:09pm

This is something I think about far too much tbh. My education and career happened as a consequence of going with the flow (i.e. doing what was easy for me) and my risk-averse nature and, if I'm entirely honest, while it's done an okay job at providing for me and my family and I don't hate it, with the benefit of hindsight, I think I'd be far happier in that regard had I found a different path that I had a passion for at a much younger age and I'd certainly be far wealthier had I the same attitude to money at 23 as I finally developed in my mid thirties.

I can pinpoint most of my life-path for the past 12 years to a single "sliding doors" moment: the decision to head into the city for a few pints on my own since none of my friends were around. At the time, I was finally beginning to realise what I wanted to do with my life and was taking the first steps towards achieving that. That impulsive decision lead to me meeting my now wife, her becoming pregnant shortly after and my life taking an entirely different path than what I'd begun to plan. I can't say I'd be any happier if I'd gone the other way and I'd certainly never give up what I have now but I do often think about it.

cj maxx · 13-11-2019 1:31pm

I seem to have deliberately sabotaged every good opportunity I was given. Jobs , girls . Had a crisis and left to lose myself. Unfortunately that was the one thing I succeeded at.
Here I am . Miserable but upskilling.

13-11-2019 1:32pm

cjmc wrote: »

. Miserable but upskilling.

As in getting better at being miserable?

Wildly Boaring · 13-11-2019 1:37pm

A kind of half planned, half baked lunacy.

Did engineering as it suited my skills. Maths, physics, tech drawing.

Did civil as it suited my upbringing. Farms equal concrete and machinery.

Got first proper job as I just sent 4 letters in the post in September after graduation to the 4 nearest civil contractors.

After that for 7 years civil projects work dictated location.

Met my now wife on a night out. Been together nearly 14 years now.

Once we moved to same part of the world we try to plan but sometimes it just takes a jump. I remember being in london one Christmas and saying"next role either of us gets in ireland we take it"

Worked.
I got job in cork. She got one few months later. Stayed there till august.

Same this year. Decided we'd make the move to dublin. Tried to formulate a plan a somehow got lucky......we go on

theteal · 13-11-2019 2:14pm

Went with the flow in early adulthood but was not happy at all where I ended up i.e. part time job during college turned into a full-time management position less than a month after graduating. The money was ridiculous thanks to the celtic bubble so I grabbed it with both hands. What I haphazardly planned to be a year or so was 4 years before I knew it. IT degree going to waste working as a sales manager.

The Mrs had graduated at that point and we toyed with the idea of moving up north. Just as we started to give it proper consideration, she got a job offer just outside of London. She asked if I'd go with her, I had already handed in my notice. Nothing lined up but didn't care, just packed the car and off we went. I did a few MS and Cisco certs in the next couple of months and landed a minimum age job doing remote support for a tiny company based out of some rich guys big house. Knuckled down, more certs, a few job moves, a lot of experience gained over the few years since to get to now - looking out the office window over Berkley Square (nice day today) while procrastinating on the planning of a project coming up in Jan in Florida.

It's been in interesting few years which included a wedding, a child and a house purchase - all of which were planned. Sometimes I do look back thinking I wasted those few years after graduating by not pushing on in a "proper career" but it was a fun time in Dublin with bags of cash and plenty of experiences so I'm reluctant to write it off as complete waste.

Bobblehats · 13-11-2019 2:31pm

Graces7 wrote: »

Oh you mean HERE!

Yes dunsink lane, fellow travellers. I suspect that ultimately we all got here by way of the grand canal

cj maxx · 13-11-2019 4:18pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

As in getting better at being miserable?

No, realising that I can't and won't be able to do the manual jobs I used to

Tell me how · 13-11-2019 4:24pm

What I find interesting reading all the above posts is how it can feel much different looking backwards, in a case of 'the end justifies the means'. This is not to say people didn't make decisions for the right reasons but depending on how we feel right now, today, can influence whether or not we think we feel we made a good decision years previously.

Well, I know it feel like that for me at times, which might explain why I'm currently in a phase of over analysis.

Wasn't always like this, when I was younger, in my 20's decisions were made much more confidently but I suppose that given that some of those led me to feel unsatisfied, that is what is leading to doubts of sorts in later years.

How did you get here?

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