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How did you get here?

Tell me how

There are generally 3 specific areas which we spend a lot of our time being affected by; our job, our relationship and the location in which we live.
I am curious to what degree people felt they planned their current status in respect to each of these. Did they strive to get there, just accept what came their way or are currently still looking?

I am currently 40, and right now, each of the above is in flux. This is largely by choice (definitely in case of job and location) as I have sought new opportunities etc but also I do go through phases for short periods thinking I need to literally settle down.

This came to mind because I was recently seeing someone who commented a lot on how she'd like if I was in a fixed position so she would feel more comfortable about pursuing a relationship. I thought about that and while I do feel I would love to have a relationship which makes me put job and location very much in second place in terms of priority, I don't know should this be a conscious decision or how do you tease out exactly how you feel about things?

How did other people think about this? Or did you even have to?

P.S. I am aware I do overthink things.
P.P.S. I'm not suggesting you cannot be happy unless you are in a relationship.

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[Deleted User]

By fixed position do you mean not moving around physically from location to location?

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

I went with the flow. I knew what interested me and edged that way job wise. Relationships and location just came along as life moved on. Decisions and sacrifices were made along the way but I never gave it too much thought to be honest.

Leg End Reject

There was never a plan with me, one thing just lead to another.

TheValeyard

[Deleted User] wrote: »

By fixed position do you mean not moving around physically from location to location?

If we're talking about physically then Babylon Candles are the only way to go.

[Deleted User]

some go with the flow, some deliberate going for it

Tell me how

Deleted User wrote: »

By fixed position do you mean not moving around physically from location to location?

In my situation, she is US based and I am, temporarily, but she was/is afraid of developing feelings and then I have to leave.

Best case scenario, feelings are solid and reciprocated and ultimately one of us doesn't mind moving to accommodate but heading in to a relationship with that thought in mind puts it under pressure.

Tell me how

Cassandra Wet Xerox wrote: »

I went with the flow. I knew what interested me and edged that way job wise. Relationships and location just came along as life moved on. Decisions and sacrifices were made along the way but I never gave it too much thought to be honest.

Can understand that. Sounds pretty ideal.
Unfortunately, I think my age is influencing a sense that a decision has to be made. Or will have to be made.

[Deleted User]

Tell me how wrote: »

In my situation, she is US based and I am, temporarily, but she was/is afraid of developing feelings and then I have to leave.

Best case scenario, feelings are solid and reciprocated and ultimately one of us doesn't mind moving to accommodate but heading in to a relationship with that thought in mind puts it under pressure.

I get you. You can't regulate her hopes and fears for her though. If you are both willing to give it a go while understanding that things may not go as planned then great. If she isn't willing because if your situation then that's hers, her hesitancy, her stuff.
As long a you are ok with the life you are living, as long as you are ok with not being physically settled in one place. You can't live your life based on what ifs.

For me I am currently in a state of emotional flux as I face a huge decision. Choices I made have led me to this point. I think that's really all it comes down to Tmh, the choices we make.
Sure we can say "go with the flow" but it's not wise to be a passive traveller through your life.
Even the most easygoing make choices.

The hard part is figuring out where it is you want to be and then doing what needs to be done to get there.

jaxxx

I forgot that left turn at Albuquerque.

[Deleted User]

the aul fella rode the aul wan, some years later a public job seemed a safe bet and some years later again all the good public jobs were in dublin

gifted

Quit a well paying job in 2006...put house on market 6 weeks later and sold it just as the bust arrived.......the rest is history........

Purple Mountain

[Deleted User] wrote: »

By fixed position do you mean not moving around physically from location to location?

That's discrimination against traveller posters though.

[Deleted User]

Purple Mountain wrote: »

That's discrimination against traveller posters though.

Quantum Erasure

This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful wife!

gifted

Quantum Erasure wrote: »

This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

Tell me how

Deleted User wrote: »

I get you. You can't regulate her hopes and fears for her though. If you are both willing to give it a go while understanding that things may not go as planned then great. If she isn't willing because if your situation then that's hers, her hesitancy, her stuff.
As long a you are ok with the life you are living, as long as you are ok with not being physically settled in one place. You can't live your life based on what ifs.

For me I am currently in a state of emotional flux as I face a huge decision. Choices I made have led me to this point. I think that's really all it comes down to Tmh, the choices we make.
Sure we can say "go with the flow" but it's not wise to be a passive traveller through your life.
Even the most easygoing make choices.

The hard part is figuring out where it is you want to be and then doing what needs to be done to get there.

This is the crux of it Persepoly.

This is what lead me to starting the thread, I wondered do others actually think it through in the form of getting to a point of consciously making a decision, or do they just accept the first option open to them or the one which will mean only an acceptable level of change.

I seem to focus too much on the 'What if' consideration which I know helps me explore new options but also hampers me in some ways, but I don't know how to recognize when to stop asking it.

0lddog

Leg End Reject wrote: »

There was never a plan with me, one thing just lead to another.

Me2

Takes all sorts tho

Tell me how wrote: »

.......I seem to focus too much on the 'What if' consideration which I know helps me explore new options but also hampers me in some ways, but I don't know how to recognize when to stop asking it.

Is it possible to take it all to seriously ?

By way of another view point : I know someone who decided long ago that he was going to change career every 10 years. For sure he has had an interesting life but hardly one that most people would consider planned.

Tell me how

gifted wrote: »

Quit a well paying job in 2006...put house on market 6 weeks later and sold it just as the bust arrived.......the rest is history........

How much of that was a conscious decision to act in order to fulfil a need, or was the decision making out of your control to some degree?

I bought a house in 2006 (Not yours I'm sure) with very little time spent thinking about it and often wonder why I did that as it tied me to an area more than it should have. (Hindsight is 20/20 of course)

[Deleted User]

Tell me how wrote: »

This is the crux of it Persepoly.

This is what lead me to starting the thread, I wondered do others actually think it through in the form of getting to a point of consciously making a decision, or do they just accept the first option open to them or the one which will mean only an acceptable level of change.

I seem to focus too much on the 'What if' consideration which I know helps me explore new options but also hampers me in some ways, but I don't know how to recognize when to stop asking it.

I'm not sure if they do. Change can be painful and fear can stop us moving forward and making a conscious decision for our lives.
Something I read recently suggested writing down all the things we are certain of instead of focusing on the "don't knows". Maybe you could think about what you know you want. Write it down. Push the what ifs to one side.

In my life I made conscious decisions. Sure stuff did just happen, stuff that was outside my control, but for the most part I decided. Like you the what ifs tend to weigh heavily but they can serve as another block, same as fear.

gifted

Tell me how wrote: »

How much of that was a conscious decision to act in order to fulfil a need, or was the decision making out of your control to some degree?

I bought a house in 2006 (Not yours I'm sure) with very little time spent thinking about it and often wonder why I did that as it tied me to an area more than it should have. (Hindsight is 20/20 of course)

I bought the house a few months after splitting up from a long term girlfriend....I spent 2 years doing it up and 2 years living in it....it was 40 min drive out of cork city.... I was ready to start meeting people again so it made sense to sell it and move back into the city.

Alf Veedersane

Sat-nav

HBC08

Its a tough one.

I was in a somewhat similar situation.I left Ireland pretty much straight after college and went to live and work in Asia,was supposed to be 6 months and ended up being 10 years.

The craic was mighty,I was earning big money towards the end and I had a nice life going for myself.Coming up to 30 I kinda made a decision that I would be returning home before 35 to "settle down".This was partly because I saw friends of mine in their 40s who were still partying and living the life of a 22 year old (no harm in that by the way) I just didnt want to be in that position.

I left the nice job and life and arrived back into the middle of the recession to the west of Ireland with no job and having to move back in with the parents and go on the dole (not great at 35!) At this point I was beginning to second guess my decision.

I managed to get a ****ty office job and rent a house.I then got a better job and was lucky enough to get my own house.

I was on Tinder and PoF with mixed results.At this point I was contemplating the fact that I might be settling down on my own.However I was lucky enough to meet a girl (though friends...imagine that!) and it all worked out pretty good.

Apologies for the life story!
The point is im glad i gave myself the chance and opportunity to have the "settled down" life. I wouldnt have had the same options if I has returned home 10 years later.
My advise would be to have a good think about what youd like your life to look like in the next 5-10 years and then made it happen (hope that doesnt sound condescending!)

Tell me how

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Sat-nav

I know you joke, but it's a question along the same lines of the thread.

Is there anyone you'd trust to make such decisions for you?

Tell me how

HBC08 wrote: »

Apologies for the life story!
The point is im glad i gave myself the chance and opportunity to have the "settled down" life. I wouldnt have had the same options if I has returned home 10 years later.
My advise would be to have a good think about what youd like your life to look like in the next 5-10 years and then made it happen (hope that doesnt sound condescending!)

No need for apologies, that is why I started a thread on this.

In terms of thinking what you'd like your life to look like. I'm trying that in terms of job/location. But it feels like the wrong approach in terms of a relationship. Is there not a greater chance with that approach of simply convincing yourself that the person you have the opportunity to be with is the right person for you?

I know, for me, the priority option is a satisfactory relationship but when I started to think of sacrificing job/location opportunities it felt like the wrong thing to do. Maybe that in itself is a strong enough indicator that this relationship isn't 'the one', but again, how do I know. I can feel different a day later or a few hours later.

(This relationship hardly even qualifies as such, but it did start the head thinking on making choices, hence the thread)

khalessi

For me I wanted happiness. So I trained in a job that brought me around the world and let me have experiences I would not have had if I stayed. It also helped me realise that I didn't have to stay in that job forever. When I came home I went to college got a job in an area that was great fun and made me very happy but wasn't permanent or well paid.

I was getting older and different things made me happy so I went back to college again and have the job I have now. All along I wanted a family and always thought it would happen in my 20s but although there were romances, they were never solid enough. I eventually met someone and married and had children, only for my spouse to become controlling and dangerous. We separated and it took a long time to trust again but I met someone else who has made me so happy and everything feels somewhat balanced in my life, the kids are happy again, my job is great and my partner is wonderful. I feel lucky and happy. I just let the quest for happiness be my guide and for where I am now I would go through everything again for the kids I have and to be at this point. Sometimes you just gotta jump and take a chance and trust yourself

Alf Veedersane

Tell me how wrote: »

I know you joke, but it's a question along the same lines of the thread.

Is there anyone you'd trust to make such decisions for you?

Reminds me of a book I read some time ago: The Dice Man. The premise was that the main character decided that we always make decisions based on sub conscious bias so started making decisions based on the roll of the dice.

Would I trust someone else to make decisions for me? No. I've ended up in the situations I want to be in based on the decisions I've made.

Tell me how

khalessi wrote: »

For me I wanted happiness. So I trained in a job that brought me around the world and let me have experiences I would not have had if I stayed. It also helped me realise that I didn't have to stay in that job forever. When I came home I went to college got a job in an area that was great fun and made me very happy but wasn't permanent or well paid.

I was getting older and different things made me happy so I went back to college again and have the job I have now. All along I wanted a family and always thought it would happen in my 20s but although there were romances, they were never solid enough. I eventually met someone and married and had children, only for my spouse to become controlling and dangerous. We separated and it took a long time to trust again but I met someone else who has made me so happy and everything feels somewhat balanced in my life, the kids are happy again, my job is great and my partner is wonderful. I feel lucky and happy. I just let the quest for happiness be my guide and for where I am now I would go through everything again for the kids I have and to be at this point. Sometimes you just gotta jump and take a chance and trust yourself

But, did you, when you were younger see a path of travel, job satisfaction, reeducation, family etc, or, did you just approach each step as it happened with a positive attitude.
I admire either approach and the idea of pursuing happiness is a noble one but I'm wondering did you agonise over the change in life/career direction as to which was the best path to take. Like, with the right attitude, you can find happiness in either direction, so which direction...

Tell me how

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Reminds me of a book I read some time ago: The Dice Man. The premise was that the main character decided that we always make decisions based on sub conscious bias so started making decisions based on the roll of the dice.

Would I trust someone else to make decisions for me? No. I've ended up in the situations I want to be in based on the decisions I've made.

I read a book by a guy called Danny Wallace, called 'Yes Man' where he said Yes to every opportunity which came his way. If I remember correctly, it didn't particularly lead to any great enlightenment or sense of contentment.

The idea of having someone make decisions for you sounds appealing, until they'd actually start to do it.

cj maxx

By being mentally deficient and bad decisions

Graces7

BY ferry then minibus taxi.

Oh you mean HERE!

Nowhere else to go when the last rental house proved to be a death trap fire hazard with an ultra aggressive ll.
Rentals are proving almost impossible to find.
h
Now old age and serious and increasing disability /illness has meant I need a stable home and "here" has provided it perfectly. Space for me and my cats, work for my hands that will support those my faith family helps... peace and beauty

Here I am and here I will stay until they airlift me to my chosen resting place .