No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

Call me Al · 07-02-2016 11:55am

How many nephews and nieces do you have in total between you? And I mean only specifically nephews and nieces, and not children of bff's and other guests.

fed up sick and tired · 07-02-2016 11:55am

amdublin wrote: »

Don't be fretting over it. Let it go and enjoy the rest of the weekend.

If it was me I'd get out of the house and let my oh sleep off his hangover, go for a nice cup of coffee and a read of a newspaper somewhere. Come home later and have a nice lunch or takeaway together this evening.

That's nice advice, well said there.

Build a bridge op, everyone will be grateful to you even if they can't bring themselves to admit it.

theoldbreed · 07-02-2016 11:57am

I don't understand why you think I was naive?

Oh he was very drunk, I just drove in so they wouldn't have to wait in taxis and we all live in different country areas, it would have been difficult. He just started out of nowhere about it. Talk to me when you're sober no problem at all.

I was going to contact him but having read some comments I don't think I will. Also in the years we have been together I have been in this brother's company a handful of times. I don't know him well which is why I asked him to leave my car. I'm not putting up with someone shouting in my ear from behind me.

He sees my OH a good bit. I'll leave it between them.

amdublin · 07-02-2016 12:00pm

OP, that's a good idea. I think you will feel the better for it. If your oh brings it up say "oh it all got very heated last night I'll leave that to you and your brother to sort out"
"now. will we order a dominos do you think? Do you think that'd be good for the hangover?!"

At the end of the day the guest list has been decided. Your oh's daughter is going (obviously) and the 16 year old is not. Up to your future bro in law to make a call what he is going to do. Hopefully no more will be said of it and him and his wife come and enjoy the wedding.

theoldbreed · 07-02-2016 12:01pm

Between us we have 15 nieces, she's not the only teen, 5 nephews.

meeeeh · 07-02-2016 12:02pm

amdublin wrote: »

Ps. Sorry to hear your sibling did not attend. Seriously there was no other babysistters in the world available?

Actually quite easily. I was my brother's witness (no bridesmaids, best men) 8 weeks after our daughter was born. I was still breastfeeding and even without that all the people I could trust to mind were at the wedding (we travelled to another country). I was hardly going to send her older brother at home either.

That being said I prefer to go to a wedding without kids, it's much easier to relax. I don't need to get completely twisted to enjoy myself but it helps if you don't need to chase a three year-old around hotel while she is blowing out candles. Kids don't make or destroy weddings but in most cases they are just hassle for their parents and I don't know why people are so insistent on bringing them. And once they are old enough not to need babysitter there is no problem.

Btw Op I think your future brother in law actually owes you an apology. I certainly wouldn't be contacting him.

fed up sick and tired · 07-02-2016 12:03pm

theoldbreed wrote: »

I don't understand why you think I was naive?

You're saying you don't understand

His attitude and behaviour about the whole thing last night

while practically everyone else can see that last night he was pissed, therefore he was a bit of a knob.

Simple, really.

Rezident · 07-02-2016 12:05pm

Most Irish weddings are piss-ups. Please don't bring kids to a piss up.

TG1 · 07-02-2016 12:06pm

At a family wedding this came up, some children of cousins were invited on one side and not on the other. The justification was one was the flower girl and if she came the other sisters had to be invited.

An aunt said to me on the day that this wasn't fair and that children of cousins on the grooms side should have been invited too. I was astonished that it was even noticed never mind commented on and said as much to her. A wedding is a day for the bride and groom to have the family they want there and it is no one else's place to dictate that.

And as for posters saying the grooms daughter isn't a special case, that is just nonsense! Of course the grooms daughter is being invited to her dad's wedding!

The way it was brought up wasn't nice op, and if it ever comes up again I would say that to the brother in law, that attacking you over it while drunk was not the best way to raise an issue. But the point of the wedding is to join two families and as annoying as it is sometimes in-laws are part of it! I wouldnt be looking for a fight over it but would mention how unhappy with the handling of it you were if he brings it up again. Sadly weddings bring out the worst in families, but in my observations of them the drama has usually blown over by the big day. Best of luck with it all!

c montgomery · 07-02-2016 12:07pm

Not inviting nephews and nieces is pretty cold in my opinion.
After my own kids when my nephews were born were some of the happiest days of my life, couldn't imagine them not being part of big family days.
Kids of my friends would be omitted however.

Sam Kade · 07-02-2016 12:09pm

peteb2 wrote: »

No. But I only spend as much as I have or choose to. If I don't want to spend the money I don't go. Simple.

But it isn't free then.

amdublin · 07-02-2016 12:11pm

c montgomery wrote: »

Not inviting nephews and nieces is pretty cold in my opinion.
After my own kids when my nephews were born were some of the happiest days of my life, couldn't imagine them not being part of big family days.
Kids of my friends would be omitted however.

Yeah for me there are some big family days that are great for the kids - the lovely summer afternoon parties. Or even the day part of a wedding. And then there are the big family nights that are not appropriate for children - the 40th birthday parties, the wedding nights where everyone is partying and drinking (as they are entitled to!)

You wouldn't bring a child into a hen party in a pub, why bring to a wedding party in a hotel?

Ps. I think it is "cold" or selfish and irresponsible to squeeze children into adult events. Would you bring your child to an engagement party in a pub? (you actually are not allowed to by law - and it's for good reason)

theoldbreed · 07-02-2016 12:15pm

c montgomery wrote:

Not inviting nephews and nieces is pretty cold in my opinion. After my own kids when my nephews were born were some of the happiest days of my life, couldn't imagine them not being part of big family days. Kids of my friends would be omitted however.

I can assure you we are anything but cold. Everyone's family dynamic is different, I would be slow to make assumptions. I am closer to some friend's kids tbh for various reasons. They aren't invited either.

hairyslug · 07-02-2016 12:16pm

Your wedding, your choice. Enjoy the day

How some people can't differentiate between your ohs child (and friend to keep them company) and other children/teens is mind boggling.

There will be drink, there will be drunk people, not an ideal place to have children.

And at the kids bedtime, what's the plan, child goes up to bed and parents go back down to the party?

Anyway, enjoy the day

Neyite · 07-02-2016 12:34pm

The first family wedding is coming up this year since I had my son. Normally we'd leave him with a sitter but as its a family wedding where all the niblings of the bride and groom are going, he'll have to come too. For the photos and so on.

But its hours away, so its not like I can have my mother on hand to pick him up after dinner and bring him home. It means hiring a hotel babysitter for the evening part, and he's a bit funny with strangers. At the wedding itself, he's still a bit too young to let him off to roam unsupervised for any length of time like you might with a 9 year old. And his cousins are not quite old enough to keep an eye on him either.

As its the partner's family and he's part of the bridal party, I'll be on 'duty' until bedtime. That means being eagle eyed that there are no chocolate hand-prints on my outfit, trying to keep him quiet during the mass, trying to get him to sit still during dinner, trying to keep him quiet during the speeches. Having a massive handbag full of toys to keep him occupied. As its in a historical building, I have the added hassle of making sure he doesn't wreck anything. I have nightmares of him scribbling on expensive wallpaper with his crayons the second my back is turned

He probably will be grand and I'm overthinking it, but I'd much rather enjoy the day with a drink in my hand where I don't have to leg it in heels after a toddler who wants to explore.

But if you wade into the argument between brothers now, you will be forever remembered for That Time You Didnt Let Your Niece Attend. Leave them to fight it out. It was a decision your husband to be made along with you and he can defend it to his family.

Pawwed Rig · 07-02-2016 12:36pm

amdublin wrote: »

. I think it is "cold" or selfish and irresponsible to squeeze children into adult events. Would you bring your child to an engagement party in a pub? (you actually are not allowed to by law - and it's for good reason)

But why is a wedding an adult event? Can it not accommodate everyone? Ours did with little difficulty and minimal extra expense ie half portions of main meals for €10 per head.

Whosthis · 07-02-2016 12:40pm

OP , forget about them and the naysayers, its your wedding not theirs, people with children generally have a sense of entitlement when it comes to their kids. The same with dog owners. It was their choice to have kids, you don't have to deal with them.

dixiefly · 07-02-2016 12:44pm

theoldbreed wrote: »

I put it up yes, I can however challenge an opinion. Stating his daughter is the same as any other child is ridiculous to be honest.

She is not his only niece. He has five nieces and one nephew.

I have a larger family. None were invited and mist people respected that.

I have been through this when getting married and then subsequently as a parent with kids attending weddings.

First of all you future bil was totally out of line, he let drink talk and picked a horrendously poor occasion to vent. No excuses and it really shows him in a bad light.

You are entitled to ask who you wish to the wedding. Ourselves, we never for a moment contemplated not inviting the nephews and neices who were aged from about 4/5 up at our wedding. I dont recall any of these examples of kids running around ruining everything. Our kids were at my brothers wedding a couple of years ago and I know that it wouldnt have been contemplated otherwise.

In our case we are both part of larger famlies, my wife one of 7 siblings, me 4 and my dads family 13 and 6/7 in my mums and my wifes mums families. We only invited kids from immediate family i.e. brothers and sisters and probably were more discriminating in inviting prev college/ work/ home friends. Thankfully we were not in groups of friends who were inviting each other to all weddings, i have seen that alone take up 20/30 places easily at weddings I have been at.

If you were saying no kids then definitely you should include the OH's daughter of course, I am not about also including her friend in such sensitive circumstances - surely there is enough going on on the day to occupy her.

Without knowing who you did or didn't invite, i.e. other friends, groups of friends as well as how close the family is I cannot say whether I would have done the same as you. At the end of the day it is your decision. I would say there is a reasonable chance though that others on your OH's side also think the same as his brother but have more in them than to vent like that.

Best of luck and try and drop it from your mind. It is probably up to your OH and his brother to sort it out and leave them to it. Also dont beat yourself up over kicking him out of the car, I think I wold have done the same in the circumstances.

fed up sick and tired · 07-02-2016 12:51pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

But why is a wedding an adult event? Can it not accommodate everyone? Ours did with little difficulty and minimal extra expense ie half portions of main meals for €10 per head.

To some extent, it's because a vast number of Irish people can't enjoy themselves without getting drunk, having never tried.

harr · 07-02-2016 12:55pm

Let your other half sort out his brother, you concentrate on your wedding ...you both made the Choice of no kids and if people are not happy let them decline your invite...our wedding had no children at it and we had a great day.
My sister had nearly 20 kids at her wedding and it was a nightmare, they were running around till all hours ...a lot of the parents did not care where they were or what they were up to..
I personally would prefer a wedding with no children ....of course you would want your step daughter at the wedding and at the end of the day it's no one else's business who you invite.

amdublin · 07-02-2016 1:03pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

But why is a wedding an adult event? Can it not accommodate everyone? Ours did with little difficulty and minimal extra expense ie half portions of main meals for €10 per head.

Yes of course and as you have described it sound perfect. But a wedding is a long day and and a long night. And children get bored and tetchy and crazy (they are children afterall) amd adults get loose (they are adults at a party afterall).

I just think there are muxh more things more suited to children than an adult party. And afterall you wouldn't bring them to any other kind of adult party (a 40th in a pub) so why a wedding party in a hotel function room with a bar? There are plenty of other family occasions much more suited to the needs and wants of children and adults.

pc7 · 07-02-2016 1:04pm

We've been invited to a wedding abroad and our baby wasn't invited. We've had to decline, I know my relation is upset but we had hoped to build our family summer holiday round the trip to save on the expense but as little one not invited we can't justify the costs for a weekend and the hassle of someone having to mind them for the weekend.
It's your wedding and your choice, if you don't want kids there that's fine but it's also people's right and choice not to go. Your future niece might have been excited at the prospect to of going.

handlemaster · 07-02-2016 1:05pm

If the bride and groom want no kids thats it. Im sure some guests would like various different things, cant please everyone nor should they.

Filmer Paradise · 07-02-2016 1:12pm

It can be a touchy subject with some people alright.

My View is that the Bride & Groom call the shots.

When I got married, we decided at the outset that there were to be no kids.

Our 18 month old daughter came to the ceremony & before the reception, one of the ladies from her creche kindly took her for the evening. She had a great time.

Anybody objecting was met with 'Well even our own child isn't going'.

Edit: Now that I think of it (this was over 10 years ago), some of the other guests did bring their kids to the ceremony & were in some of the photos afterwards. It was nice for the kids to see the event & we had no problems with it at all.

The reception was a kiddie free zone though.

amdublin · 07-02-2016 1:12pm

Serious question is it not just easier to leave the kids at home and go enjoy yourself on your own?
Like you wouldn't insist your kids were invited to a 40th in a pub, why a wedding?
Why will you go to some family events without your children but need to bring them to a wedding?

peteb2 · 07-02-2016 1:18pm

Sam Kade wrote: »

But it isn't free then.

And if one of your mates invites you out for the night for a few beers its not free either. Don't see your point.

mel.b · 07-02-2016 1:18pm

When my sister got married it was strictly no kids. If i was to get married tomorrow and say no kids she would have an absolute fit! She got ****ty when i wouldn't take my 4yr old niece on an errand that i was running to the supermarket (niece asked to come). I can just imagine the reaction she would have if i didn't invite my nieces.

However OP, you made a rule and fairplay to you sticking to it. Your future BIL is just a twat to act like that.

Neyite · 07-02-2016 1:19pm

handlemaster wrote: »

If the bride and groom want no kids thats it. Im sure some guests would like various different things, cant please everyone nor should they.

Absolutely. From the very moment I got engaged, I had people suggesting ideas to me, having a moan about where I was thinking of having the wedding, wading in on what I should wear, what kind of ceremony I should have, who should be in the wedding party, even what flowers I should have. I hadn't even gotten the ring back from resizing by that point and I was well and truly sick of it.

I realised that there was no way that I could please everyone, including ourselves. And there was no compromise possible in some instances. And then I realised that other people were getting worked up about details of what is essentially a party to celebrate something personal between my partner and I. So now, when I do get married, it will be presented when its all booked and arranged. People can get the hump all they want. Sometimes its all you can do.

Starokan · 07-02-2016 1:32pm

Sometimes it best to do nothing and that is what I would do here, you were doing a pretty decent thing in collecting them at that time of night , he was tanked and started mouthing off. Its up to him to come back and apologise, there is no need for you to change your position or for that matter justify your position to him on the issue of inviting kids. Its your day, if he does not want to attend then so be it

Unless he has the worlds thickest skin I can guarantee you he wont be feeling to good about himself today. I have never subscribed to the idea that the truth comes out when your drunk, I have often known it to be otherwise tbh , what he spouted off there may not be the view of his partner or their child at all. Not everyone gets too concerned about whether they are invited to a family function or not. I would just let this go - you can be sure that at some stage he and your OH will talk and sort out

retro:electro · 07-02-2016 1:35pm

Wow. That guy sounds like an absolute arsehole. Count yourself lucky that he's not attending your wedding, who wants someone as volatile at him attending! Not only did he partially ruin your fiancées stag with his stupid outburst, but he's also ruining your Sunday. Don't give the stupid ejit another minute of your worries.
The point isn't whether or not people feel weddings should involve children, the point is that the bride and groom decided NO children are attending expect the fiancées daughter. How some guests could ever have the bare faced cheek to even quiz never mind contest this is mind boggling to me. What a div.

No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

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