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No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

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    #62
    kyogger
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭kyogger


    If I was the brother in law here is what I would do:
    Go to the wedding instead of putting €200 in the card put €30 in the card which should more than cover the carvery grub.

    With the remaining €170 hire a babysitter and tell her take the kids out for a good evening to the cinema and maybe bowling and some McDonalds as a treat. They'l have a better time than any wedding ( and probably similar standard food).


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    #63
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    amdublin wrote: »
    Nope for me I hate children at drinking events. When I am drinking I like to be surrounded with adults. I don't go to a pub at 9pm on a Saturday night and expect to have to be with adults and their kids for the night. I don't head to the nightclub at 12 expecting adults and their kids.


    For me if you insist on bringing your children to a wedding it should be to the day and to the dinner and then they need to go home or to bed.

    Couldn't agree with you more here.

    As a child of an alcoholic who was dragged around every pub in the county, people don't realise how scary and intimidating drunk people are for children a lot of the time.

    As an adult, when I see children in places with a lot of drunk people (or I'm drunk and near a child), I feel incredibly uncomfortable.


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    #64
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,650 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »
    Couldn't agree with you more here.

    As a child of an alcoholic who was dragged around every pub in the county, people don't realise how scary and intimidating drunk people are for children a lot of the time.

    As an adult, when I see children in places with a lot of drunk people (or I'm drunk and near a child), I feel incredibly uncomfortable.

    I am sorry to hear this R.D.


    I think it's incredibly selfish of parents to insist they bring their children.
    Weddings (aka parties in a bar) are not places for children. They get bored after hours of running around with their cousins. They then get tired and tetchy, they should be home in bed but the parents don't bring them home to bed - why is this?


    I know some b&g's hire a "nanny" but this still doesn't work. (a) why hire the nanny and hustle the children into another room if you really want them there and (b) the kids don't want to stay in that room they want to see what the adults are doing and the circle (of children being somewhere inappropriate for them) starts again.


    You *wouldn't bring your 5 year old to a 40th party in a pub. Why do you bring them to a wedding party?


    *Actually by law you are not allowed bring your child to a pub after a certain time. I think this should be applied to hotel bars/function rooms.


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    #65
    PucaMama
    Registered Users Posts: 3,129 ✭✭✭PucaMama


    kyogger wrote: »
    If I was the brother in law here is what I would do:
    Go to the wedding instead of putting €200 in the card put €30 in the card which should more than cover the carvery grub.

    With the remaining €170 hire a babysitter and tell her take the kids out for a good evening to the cinema and maybe bowling and some McDonalds as a treat. They'l have a better time than any wedding ( and probably similar standard food).

    Why do you have such a chip on your shoulder about weddings


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    #66
    veetwin
    Registered Users Posts: 2,003 ✭✭✭veetwin


    theoldbreed wrote: »
    Hi all,
    So my wedding is in April. I sent out save the dates in October and formal invites in January. There are no children invited, this includes teens as well. The reason being our numbers are big enough as is.
    It was my OH's stag last night and his brother decided to bring up the fact that his daughter is disgusted she isn't invited, she's 16. He said he and his wife are also disgusted. He stayed locally for his stag so I picked four of them up at four in the morning to drop them home to various places.
    Firstly I felt it wasn't the right time to discuss it. I said I appreciate how you feel but nobody's kids are invited. Secondly he said well isn't your OH's daughter going and she's a teenager, well of course she is, she's his daughter. She is also allowed to bring a friend to the party so she won't be on her own. She doesn't have a lot of friends so we knew who she would bring. A wee girl who is quite a tomboy so he started to say oh and her little lesbian friend.
    He said he and his wife aren't coming and said we can have our wedding in 'county' I'm from a different county.
    It got really heated and by the time we got to the first drop off I asked him to please get out of my car. He said gladly and slammed door and continued to mock through the window.
    Look I know alcohol was involved and it was like five hours but I am furious.
    Nobody's kids are invited, my OH's daughter is different. Surely this is our decision. In all the years we have been together I have met her a handful of times, she has never been at our house to visit and also my OH's daughter and her do not get along. My OH was upset but he was drunk too.
    I'm sitting here now after little sleep feeling a mixture of anger and oh I don't even know. It wasn't done maliciously. I feel bad for asking him to leave my car but I wasn't going to listen to that nonsense at that hour when I'd picked them up and gone out of my way to drive around. I left him at another brother's house so he was grand. I also don't know him very well, we've met a few times but I've always found him to be standoffish.
    I feel he probably won't come now.

    I am going to go against the grain here. You say no kids are invited but that's not really true is it?

    You are correct to say that discussing it at 4am after a load of alcohol consumed wasn't the wisest but he sounds like an ass.

    FWIW I couldn't imagine my brother or sister getting marrried and excluding our children while including their own and a non family child also.

    Yes it's your party and you are entitled to exclude or include who ever you want but I can see where there would be a problem.


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    #67
    peteb2
    Registered Users Posts: 1,813 ✭✭✭peteb2


    Sam Kade wrote: »
    So, do you get the free water all night?

    No. But I only spend as much as I have or choose to. If I don't want to spend the money I don't go. Simple.


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    #68
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    amdublin wrote: »
    I am sorry to hear this R.D.


    I think it's incredibly selfish of parents to insist they bring their children.
    Weddings (aka parties in a bar) are not places for children. They get bored after hours of running around with their cousins. They then get tired and tetchy, they should be home in bed but the parents don't bring them home to bed - why is this?


    I know some b&g's hire a "nanny" but this still doesn't work. (a) why hire the nanny and hustle the children into another room if you really want them there and (b) the kids don't want to stay in that room they want to see what the adults are doing and the circle (of children being somewhere inappropriate for them) starts again.


    You *wouldn't bring your 5 year old to a 40th party in a pub. Why do you bring them to a wedding party?


    *Actually by law you are not allowed bring your child to a pub after a certain time. I think this should be applied to hotel bars/function rooms.

    I think some couples feel they have no choice. My nieces were at my wedding because all the go to baby sitters were at it. It was invite them or my brother in law wouldn't go. I can take it or leave it where kids are concerned but it was important to my husband to have his brother there. My siblings didn't attend and to this day I still feel sad looking at the pictures. In our case the kids had a ball, they were in bed at a reasonable time and there was no drunkenness.


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    #69
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,650 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I think some couples feel they have no choice. My nieces were at my wedding because all the go to baby sitters were at it. It was invite them or my brother in law wouldn't go. I can take it or leave it where kids are concerned but it was important to my husband to have his brother there. My siblings didn't attend and to this day I still feel sad looking at the pictures. In our case the kids had a ball, they were in bed at a reasonable time and there was no drunkenness.

    That's good to hear eviltwin. Just wondering what is a reasonable time, out of pure curiosity?

    Ps. Sorry to hear your sibling did not attend. Seriously there was no other babysistters in the world available?


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    #70
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    The only child we had at our wedding was a friends baby. No one caused a scene and no one minded their kids not being there.

    You're wedding, you're bill, you're decision.

    We had immediate family not coming to our wedding for various reasons, that was their choice and we still had a great day.


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    #71
    peteb2
    Registered Users Posts: 1,813 ✭✭✭peteb2


    kyogger wrote: »
    If I was the brother in law here is what I would do:
    Go to the wedding instead of putting €200 in the card put €30 in the card which should more than cover the carvery grub.

    With the remaining €170 hire a babysitter and tell her take the kids out for a good evening to the cinema and maybe bowling and some McDonalds as a treat. They'l have a better time than any wedding ( and probably similar standard food).

    They probably would do. And now you get why people don't want to have them there. You finally get it!;)


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    #72
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    amdublin wrote: »
    That's good to hear eviltwin. Just wondering what is a reasonable time, out of pure curiosity?

    No idea offhand, about ten. A bit later than a normal bedtime.


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    #73
    easygoing1982
    Registered Users Posts: 341 ✭✭easygoing1982


    kyogger wrote: »
    Your guests had to worry about them.
    Your guests also had to add the expense and hassle of organising babysitting to an already expensive evening.

    So the bride and groom should add them to the guest list and add the extra expense to THEIR day.

    If things are so tight that they couldnt afford a babysitter they shouldnt be going


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    #74
    Mongfinder General
    Registered Users Posts: 1,992 ✭✭✭Mongfinder General


    OP, it's your wedding, so it's your call on how it's going to work or not work. However, know that there could be long term consequences. I was supposed to be best man at my brother's wedding. His wife to be decided to change that. Suffice to say we haven't really spoken since.


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    #75
    listermint
    Registered Users Posts: 33,791 ✭✭✭✭listermint


    I'm intrigued as to what a big wedding is for the op , getting married later this year our list is nearly 200 head count, I too have a very large family and have no such qualms about kids being invited .

    Frankly the wedding is a celebration its a celebration of the day and the joining of 2 families I have zero thoughts about excluding my new nieces and nephews from this event because I have my own personal happy memories of being a child at weddings recalling grand parents and uncles aunts singing and dancing and being happy that are sadly no longer with us.

    I don't get the no children rule but that's just me. There comes a point in weddings where adding guests really doesn't cost that much more and frankly I don't understand what is to be gained from making your guests own family not feel welcome.


    They are my thoughts either way


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    #76
    marketty
    Registered Users Posts: 1,083 ✭✭✭marketty


    God almighty some people in this thread are gas, how do ye get so worked up about other peoples weddings, when the real issue here is that asshole brother in law and his carry on?
    Saying that there's 'not really' a no kids rule because the daughter is going is ridiculous, she's their daughter!!

    And the poster who wouldn't leave a 16 yr old at home without a babysitter, that's hilarious, time to cut the feckin umbilical cord!


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    #77
    Queenalocin
    Registered Users Posts: 175 ✭✭Queenalocin


    I think it's nice to give parents of small children a chance to have a day out without their children. They should be able to enjoy the wedding and catch up with people without having to run around after a snotty 4 year old who is insisting on being the centre of attention.

    As for the 16 year old, she can go and stay with friends! She sounds like a spoiled brat, and I wouldn't want that sort of sulky puss at my wedding.

    I would let the groom and his brother recover from their hangovers and sort it out themselves. Don't give in though unless you are afraid it will cause a rift for the rest of your lives. If you do give in, there is a real chance he will think that he can get his own way with you by acting like that every time he disagrees with something you are doing.


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    #78
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,650 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    listermint wrote: »
    I'm intrigued as to what a big wedding is for the op , getting married later this year our list is nearly 200 head count, I too have a very large family and have no such qualms about kids being invited .

    Frankly the wedding is a celebration its a celebration of the day and the joining of 2 families I have zero thoughts about excluding my new nieces and nephews from this event because I have my own personal happy memories of being a child at weddings recalling grand parents and uncles aunts singing and dancing and being happy that are sadly no longer with us.

    I don't get the no children rule but that's just me. There comes a point in weddings where adding guests really doesn't cost that much more and frankly I don't understand what is to be gained from making your guests own family not feel welcome.


    They are my thoughts either way


    I guess this is the different folks for different strokes :)

    I don't get from the op that this is anything to do with money.

    Not sure what age you were from when your memories are. They are nice memories.

    But from my experience, your memories don't sound typical. From what I see at weddings the children do their child thing (of running around like lunatics) and the adults do their thing of enjoying the adult party. For me the children should be in playground or at home doing their thing and I don't think it is appropriate that the adult activity is merged to the child activity as I don't think it's a good environment for either (certainly it sends my blood pressure boiling seeing children running like lunatics around tables i.e. being children and adults having a few drinks and not minding their children i.e. being adults on a night out)


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    #79
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    I don't think we have a culture where children should be at weddings. The average Irish wedding is a massive piss up that goes on until all hours. It's just not an appropriate place for children.

    If we had different weddings (daytime events not centred around alcohol) then children should definitely be included, but in the current cultural format, no.


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    #80
    easygoing1982
    Registered Users Posts: 341 ✭✭easygoing1982


    kyogger wrote: »
    Your guests had to worry about them.
    Your guests also had to add the expense and hassle of organising babysitting to an already expensive evening.
    kyogger wrote: »
    TBH, at modern day weddings, it's the guests are footing the bill. I would doubt your wedding was any exception.

    The guests get a great deal though, €150-250 by modern expectations and in return they get what amounts to a hotel carvery dinner.
    kyogger wrote: »
    Lol, 'free party'. Best i have heard yet
    kyogger wrote: »
    If everybody is being honest here this is down to misery and financial planning - kids don't give a €100/head if they could/did they would be invited. Why put a kid in a seat, even if they are a close relative, when you could have a distanct aquaintance that you last met 4 years ago paying €100 to begrudgingly be there.


    If the real importance was having relatives and loved ones at the wedding then the kids would be at the wedding for they too, are relatives and loved ones. The real importance is what's in the card, everyone here knows that, and there's only so many ways you can dress that fact up.
    kyogger wrote: »
    If I was the brother in law here is what I would do:
    Go to the wedding instead of putting €200 in the card put €30 in the card which should more than cover the carvery grub.

    With the remaining €170 hire a babysitter and tell her take the kids out for a good evening to the cinema and maybe bowling and some McDonalds as a treat. They'l have a better time than any wedding ( and probably similar standard food).

    Your wedding must have been or will be a barrel of laughs.

    A word of advice, don't bother with a wedding if you haven't already,just get a better paid job.


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    #81
    Cork Lass
    Registered Users Posts: 6,825 ✭✭✭Cork Lass


    This thread has provided me with some great Sunday lie in amusement. To the OP I'd say it's your day - do it your way. To those who are offended if their children are not invited, there is only one word - precious.


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    #82
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,650 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    intheclouds wrote: »
    I don't think we have a culture where children should be at weddings. The average Irish wedding is a massive piss up that goes on until all hours. It's just not an appropriate place for children.

    If we had different weddings (daytime events not centred around alcohol) then children should definitely be included, but in the current cultural format, no.



    ^^^ This. People won't want to hear it but it's true. If you are having your classic Irish wedding in a hotel it's not a place for children.


    You wouldn't bring them to a 4oth in a pub. It's the same thing.


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    #83
    theoldbreed
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭theoldbreed


    Guys I really don't understand why my step daughter is considered in the same vein as other children in this situation, she is my fiancé's daughter, of course we will accommodate her. I don't see how that would be challenged. She is special.
    To the poster who asked about what a big wedding is, does it matter? Five thousand euro could be a hell of a lot for me but not for you and your partner in terms of wedding finances. It's all relative.
    Really the crux of the issue is 1. His attitude and behaviour about the whole thing last night and 2. Respecting other people's decisions. You don't have to agree. I would respect his if he chose not to come but the way he handled it and the things he said crossed the line.


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    #84
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,650 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    theoldbreed wrote: »
    Guys I really don't understand why my step daughter is considered in the same vein as other children in this situation, she is my fiancé's daughter, of course we will accommodate her. I don't see how that would be challenged. She is special.
    To the poster who asked about what a big wedding is, does it matter? Five thousand euro could be a hell of a lot for me but not for you and your partner in terms of wedding finances. It's all relative.
    Really the crux of the issue is 1. His attitude and behaviour about the whole thing last night and 2. Respecting other people's decisions. You don't have to agree. I would respect his if he chose not to come but the way he handled it and the things he said crossed the line.



    Honestly I'd put it down to drink taken. If it was me I'd just see how thing pan out over the next few days. If he apologises or not, if he comes to the wedding or not, either way I wouldn't care and wouldn't let it bother me coming up to my wedding. You cannot control other people. You can only control yourself.


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    #85
    looksee
    Registered Users Posts: 28,211 ✭✭✭✭looksee


    Everyone's family dynamics and preferences are different. Stick with your agreed plans and let your partner sort his brother, though he doesn't sound like much of a loss if he decides not to go. I wonder if the 16 year old even wants to go!

    If you want a 'big family party' with all the kids there, that's what you have. Depending on the family there would not necessarily be a lot of drunkenness. It is possible to have an evening with drink without people getting legless.

    If you want an adult party with the option to drink, that's fine too, but it is the bride ad groom's choice of which to go with.

    I would tend slightly towards the adult party myself, because a bunch of sugar-high kids playing tag round the dancefloor isn't my idea of an enjoyable evening. Then again, these big 'meal in a hotel' formal weddings are not my preference either.

    But that is irrelevant, if its not my wedding the decision is up to the b&g and my decision is whether to go or not.


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    #86
    theoldbreed
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭theoldbreed


    amdublin wrote:
    Honestly I'd put it down to drink taken. If it was me I'd just see how thing pan out over the next few days. If he apologises or not, if he comes to the wedding or not, either way I wouldn't care and wouldn't let it bother me coming up to my wedding. You cannot control other people. You can only control yourself.

    You're absolutely right. I'm sitting here fretting over it, silly to waste my energy doing so.


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    #87
    listermint
    Registered Users Posts: 33,791 ✭✭✭✭listermint


    Hey look you put it up on a public forum, if you don't like other people's questions or opinions I'd suggest you don't bother posting on a discussion thread ....

    I mean yes his daughter is special but hey maybe his only niece is too..


    Again different strokes and all that and again as I said I have many good memories of weddings as a child and this Nonsense's of the typical Irish wedding being some crazed pissup from my experience that is not the case but perhaps my family are different but I doubt that's true I think the perception of these weddings as crazed pissup is not common.

    Those that shout the loudest and all that....


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    #88
    Cork Lass
    Registered Users Posts: 6,825 ✭✭✭Cork Lass


    theoldbreed wrote: »
    Guys I really don't understand why my step daughter is considered in the same vein as other children in this situation, she is my fiancé's daughter, of course we will accommodate her. I don't see how that would be challenged. She is special.
    To the poster who asked about what a big wedding is, does it matter? Five thousand euro could be a hell of a lot for me but not for you and your partner in terms of wedding finances. It's all relative.
    Really the crux of the issue is 1. His attitude and behaviour about the whole thing last night and 2. Respecting other people's decisions. You don't have to agree. I would respect his if he chose not to come but the way he handled it and the things he said crossed the line.

    OP, you've not done anything wrong and of course your stepdaughter is different - she's your partners daughter. If others can't see that then it's because they choose not to see it. Your brother in law sounds like a right ass and would probably be doing you a favour be not attending. Don't let this overshadow your day. I hope you have a wonderful day :)


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    #89
    theoldbreed
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭theoldbreed


    I put it up yes, I can however challenge an opinion. Stating his daughter is the same as any other child is ridiculous to be honest.

    She is not his only niece. He has five nieces and one nephew.

    I have a larger family. None were invited and mist people respected that.


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    #90
    fed up sick and tired
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,015 ✭✭✭fed up sick and tired


    theoldbreed wrote: »
    Really the crux of the issue is 1. His attitude and behaviour about the whole thing last night and 2. Respecting other people's decisions. You don't have to agree. I would respect his if he chose not to come but the way he handled it and the things he said crossed the line.

    Leaving everything else aside, I don't really understand your naievete here.

    It was all hours in the morning, and he (possibly/probably) had a skinful. 'In vino veritas' and all that. Not a recipe for a rational exchange of views.

    And you possibly are under-rested after such a late night ? ? ?

    You will not surrender control of this situation by calling him this morning, (not getting his brother to do it), and while being firm in your decision as is your right, extending a hand of forgiveness and putting this behind you right now. For everyone's long-term sake.

    It's a big deal about nothing, really.


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    #91
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,650 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    theoldbreed wrote: »
    You're absolutely right. I'm sitting here fretting over it, silly to waste my energy doing so.

    Don't be fretting over it. Let it go and enjoy the rest of the weekend.


    If it was me I'd get out of the house and let my oh sleep off his hangover, go for a nice cup of coffee and a read of a newspaper somewhere. Come home later and have a nice lunch or takeaway together this evening.


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