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average recession wedding gift??

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    #122
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    whatdoicare wrote: »
    The relatives who buy us crystal, toasters, cutlery or whatever will be the ones who we will remember as the ones who didn't bother to get to know us enough to know that that was not an appropriate gift.
    And what's your opinion of young people who buy such useless presents?
    You'd think they'd have more cop on.


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    #123
    CathyMoran
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,458 Mod ✭✭✭✭CathyMoran


    The obsession with money on this thread is scary...the presence of the guests should be enough and if you do not have the money then have a smaller wedding or elope.

    For the record, yes my parents did pay for the wedding and honeymoon but it cost less than 5k in total, my brother paid for my wig, we had 15 guests...we would have saved up and paid for all of it ourselves but as the bride it looked highly unlikely at the time that I would be alive in 6 months time, let alone over 3 years later.

    Sorry about the rant but a wedding should be about the start of married life, not about a money making scheme. OP, my advice is to not expect money, but if you do get it be greatful.


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    #124
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    Sorry about the rant but a wedding should be about the start of married life, not about a money making scheme. OP, my advice is to not expect money, but if you do get it be greatful.
    I don't think anyone looks at it as a money making scheme and I seriously doubt anyone makes any money from their wedding as the things cost so much. What people are saying is that they prefer money as a present than waterford crystal, for pretty obvious reasons. This simple expression of preference (and gratitude to mates who have the cop to give money) seems to be getting misconstrued that people have money on the brain. Yes, it's a bit sad that people prefer money, me included but this is a reflection of times we live in and the lack of imagination and thought that goes into cr*p and useless presents such as crystal bowls.

    We're in a recession and it's affecting some a hell of a lot more than others Cathy. It can be difficult to understand other peoples finacial pressures. Some people may have lost 150K on their gaf, but they may have good job security. Others may have lost 200K on their gaf have no job security but have rich folks. There are so many parameters that determine your finacial situation it's logically unlikely that people are the same.

    So it can be tricky understanding someone else's frames of references. That's what I think is sad - that some people think they can understand everyone else's frames of references and then judge them objectively.


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    #125
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    I was just wondering if we could leave the misunderstandings about "expectation", "appreciating" and thinking waterford crystal is a load of crap, what is actually wrong with expecting money?

    I mean, people use wedding lists with gifts on it. By doing this, they are publically declaring that if you are going to give them a gift they expect it to be from their list.

    What makes those people any better or worse than people who expect money?

    I don't expect money but I can't see how I have the right to tell other people what is morally right to expect or not expect. What gives you the notion that you know what's right and what's morally wrong to know what other people should expect? Is it the bible? Is it some killer philosophical argument from Kant?

    I am perplexed about where you get your moral highground from on this
    issue.

    If you look at stags and hens, the costs are usually split up and everyone pays their way. But if some poor couple were do something similar for their wedding, people here would get on their high horses and scold them for it. I would have no problem with someone telling me exactly what it costs for me to attend their wedding and giving me the option to pay for it or not attend. That's what happens on stags and it works pretty well.

    If there's all this magical mysticism and morals rules for the wedding why not be consistent and apply them for your hen and your stag where thankfully a bit of finacial rationality is prevailing over your mystic moral notions about present etiquette.


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    #126
    CathyMoran
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,458 Mod ✭✭✭✭CathyMoran


    We did not have a wedding list, personally I am not a fan of those and again we just wanted to be married...we did not have a stag or a hen as again my husband and I are not into those things. I fully understand that we are probably unique in that regard...we just wanted to be officially joined. I accept that my life experiences may have been more unusual than most for someone who is only 35 now and it has made my views different but for me money would never have been even a minute factor in a wedding...I think that it devalues the whole thing.


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    #127
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    We did not have a wedding list, personally I am not a fan of those and again we just wanted to be married...we did not have a stag or a hen as again my husband and I are not into those things. I fully understand that we are probably unique in that regard...we just wanted to be officially joined. I accept that my life experiences may have been more unusual than most for someone who is only 35 now and it has made my views different but for me money would never have been even a minute factor in a wedding...I think that it devalues the whole thing.
    Ok you are not a fan of hens and stags or wedding lists, where there is an expectation that people pay their way or buy such and such a present, but you don't scold people who are fans of such things.

    However, you are not just "not a fan" of people who "expect" money for a wedding present, you scold them. Do you not see the inconsistency?

    Because I clearly pointed this inconsistency out but I don't think you get it.

    You also didn't answer my question where you get the right to morally judge people on their expectations? I believe I don't have that right. I am wondering what makes you think you have it?


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    #128
    CathyMoran
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,458 Mod ✭✭✭✭CathyMoran


    I just believe that a marriage should be about love...again, money cheapens things.


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    #129
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    I just believe that a marriage should be about love...again, money cheapens things.
    But no-one is talking about a marriage, we are talking about a wedding.

    Could you please answer the specific questions?

    Specific question 1: repeated twice now.

    Ok you are not a fan of hens and stags or wedding lists, where there is an expectation that people pay their way or buy such and such a present, but you don't scold people who are fans of such things.

    However, you are not just "not a fan" of people who "expect" money for a wedding present, you scold them. Do you not see the inconsistency?

    Specific question 2: Repeated twice now

    You also didn't answer my question where you get the right to morally judge people on their expectations? I believe I don't have that right. I am wondering what makes you think you have it?


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    #130
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    Holy smuck. Prompt them to answer specific questions and they all grab their coats.

    Here's another point I'd put to you:

    Everyone has some sort of expectation for their wedding / hen / stag.

    You may not expect any presents at all but you probably expect people to wear reasonable clothes and not turn up in tracksuits. The inescapable fact is everyone has their own expectations. It's human nature to just think your's are normal and valid and someone else's who has different expectations are invalid.

    There's a number of people in this thread who seem to think they have the moral highground to invalidate other people expectations but can't give one logical reason for it.

    Even it you try something like: "A wedding should only be about love", well you could apply that to refute any expectation. Someone turns up in a tracksuit - well don't get grumpy because your Wedding is supposed to be about love and how does someone wearing a tracksuit make your love any less.

    I really think some people really haven't thought this through. It's usually the case with puritans who preach their morality they forget a bit of self examination and that's where their arguments fall apart. Unless you're a buddhist monk you have some sense of expectation from other people about your wedding that has nothing to do with how much you love your partner and you're declaration of lifelong commitment to each other.


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    #131
    CathyMoran
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,458 Mod ✭✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Sorry, I could not and still can not see your points or what you want me to address as I have been perfectly blunt. I will state again that I disagree with people expecting money for their wedding...have a smaller wedding if needs be.

    We had an aunt who just turned up for the mass and was not done up...who cares, was just thrilled that she was there.

    I had just got through 3 months of very intense chemo, my chances of surviving were less than 8%...I really only care/cared about my husband...the only reason that we did not elope is that I was too ill and I wanted my dad to walk me down the ille...


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    #132
    whatdoicare
    Registered Users Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭whatdoicare


    Tim Robbins wrote: »
    And what's your opinion of young people who buy such useless presents?
    You'd think they'd have more cop on.

    Relatives does not equal older people...I'm talking about everyone who does this who's related to or knows me and my OH.:)

    Bottom line: if you have no idea what the couples house looks like or what their tastes are, getting them random gifts- no matter how hard you shopped to get them or how much love is behind it- is just gonna be a hit and miss situation.
    Cash is always the way to go in situations like that.


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    #133
    whatdoicare
    Registered Users Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭whatdoicare


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    I just believe that a marriage should be about love...again, money cheapens things.

    I'd love to see you pull that line on a hotel! That would be wicked cool!

    Marriage is indeed all about love but Weddings are all about celebrating it with food, music and merriment...none of that is free and relatives, friends etc do like to give something to the couple as a thank you for all the good food and music etc.. so it's unavoidable that the couple will end up with some crazy gifts, some lovely gifts and money.

    I'd like to avoid the crazy gifts though....:)


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    #134
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    Sorry, I could not and still can not see your points or what you want me to address as I have been perfectly blunt. I will state again that I disagree with people expecting money for their wedding...have a smaller wedding if needs be.

    We had an aunt who just turned up for the mass and was not done up...who cares, was just thrilled that she was there.

    I had just got through 3 months of very intense chemo, my chances of surviving were less than 8%...I really only care/cared about my husband...the only reason that we did not elope is that I was too ill and I wanted my dad to walk me down the ille...
    While I sympathise with your medical situation you're not addressing any of the questions or points I put to you :rolleyes:

    You have a right to your opinion but when you ignore others it comes across as if your own opinion is unquestionable or just not very well thought out.

    I have tried really hard by re-posting what you've ignored but you still ignore them. That's ignorant to expect someone to listen to you when you clearly won't listen to them.


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    #135
    Kooli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Kooli


    Tim Robbins wrote: »
    Holy smuck. Prompt them to answer specific questions and they all grab their coats.

    Here's another point I'd put to you:

    Everyone has some sort of expectation for their wedding / hen / stag.

    You may not expect any presents at all but you probably expect people to wear reasonable clothes and not turn up in tracksuits. The inescapable fact is everyone has their own expectations. It's human nature to just think your's are normal and valid and someone else's who has different expectations are invalid.

    There's a number of people in this thread who seem to think they have the moral highground to invalidate other people expectations but can't give one logical reason for it.

    Even it you try something like: "A wedding should only be about love", well you could apply that to refute any expectation. Someone turns up in a tracksuit - well don't get grumpy because your Wedding is supposed to be about love and how does someone wearing a tracksuit make your love any less.

    I really think some people really haven't thought this through. It's usually the case with puritans who preach their morality they forget a bit of self examination and that's where their arguments fall apart. Unless you're a buddhist monk you have some sense of expectation from other people about your wedding that has nothing to do with how much you love your partner and you're declaration of lifelong commitment to each other.

    Am I missing the parts where someone said that others who held any expectations about their wedding were in the wrong? I know some have said that expecting money is wrong, but I think most people who said that meant it in the sense of 'Expecting money to the extent that you will be disappointed with other gifts or be in debt afterwards is wrong' rather than 'To hold the thought in your mind that you might get cash as gifts is wrong'

    And you can't compare it to a hen or a stag. A hen or a stag is an event put on BY the friends FOR the bride/groom, so of course they pay. A wedding is put on by the couple for their friends, so their friends should not have to pay.

    And by the way, in case you're wondering, i'm also of the opinion that I will be delighted if I get cash at my wedding, but I'll also be delighted with vouchers or other gifts. I'd be surprised if anyone gave me nothing, but I wouldn't bitch about it. I'm throwing a party for everyone I love to watch me get married, I'm not gonna bitch about them afterwards for not giving me good enough 'stuff'.


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    #136
    Kooli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Kooli


    Tim Robbins wrote: »
    But no-one is talking about a marriage, we are talking about a wedding.


    Specific question 1: repeated twice now.

    Ok you are not a fan of hens and stags or wedding lists, where there is an expectation that people pay their way or buy such and such a present, but you don't scold people who are fans of such things.

    However, you are not just "not a fan" of people who "expect" money for a wedding present, you scold them. Do you not see the inconsistency?

    ?

    I don't actually see an inconsistency here. Are you saying that if you don't like something personally, you should either always scold others who do like it, or never scold others who do like it, and that you should live by this rule across all circumstances and situations??


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    #137
    Teddy Chips
    Closed Accounts Posts: 121 ✭✭Teddy Chips


    Myself and my gfriend are both on the dole at the moment. We have been invited to a wedding of a cousin of mine in April. The thing is we are really tight for cash at the moment and can't really afford a cash gift. At the same time we would be too embarrassed to turn up with no gift. Would it be rude to wrap up a few DVD's we don't like, they are all in perfect order, say 10?


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    #138
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    Kooli wrote: »
    And you can't compare it to a hen or a stag. A hen or a stag is an event put on BY the friends FOR the bride/groom, so of course they pay. A wedding is put on by the couple for their friends, so their friends should not have to pay.
    Who puts it on has nothing to do with it. Say you organise your own stag an you'd love to have your mates there, by your logic you should pay for it and you should not expect your mates to.

    Do you see how illogical your position is?


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    #139
    Tim Robbins
    Registered Users Posts: 8,962 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    Kooli wrote: »
    I don't actually see an inconsistency here. Are you saying that if you don't like something personally, you should either always scold others who do like it, or never scold others who do like it, and that you should live by this rule across all circumstances and situations??
    No I am saying you should put your moral judgements on other people expectations unless you can give a logical reason which is somewhat consistent and not arbitary.

    It's quite simple why do I have to keep repeating a simple argument which no-one has dealt with?


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    #140
    whatdoicare
    Registered Users Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭whatdoicare


    Teddy Chips wrote: »
    Myself and my gfriend are both on the dole at the moment. We have been invited to a wedding of a cousin of mine in April. The thing is we are really tight for cash at the moment and can't really afford a cash gift. At the same time we would be too embarrassed to turn up with no gift. Would it be rude to wrap up a few DVD's we don't like, they are all in perfect order, say 10?

    A better idea would be to explain yr situation and to offer yr sevices to help get jobs done such as making sure reception is going to plan or that suits get collected or if you've the knack, offer to take photos of the day in a story book style and put on a dvd...anything but regifting rubbish you don't want.


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    #141
    Diddler1977
    Registered Users Posts: 3,765 ✭✭✭Diddler1977


    Teddy Chips wrote: »
    Myself and my gfriend are both on the dole at the moment. We have been invited to a wedding of a cousin of mine in April. The thing is we are really tight for cash at the moment and can't really afford a cash gift. At the same time we would be too embarrassed to turn up with no gift. Would it be rude to wrap up a few DVD's we don't like, they are all in perfect order, say 10?

    Maybe you could do something like picking up the B&G from the airport after the honeymoon in lieu of a present.

    I am sure your cousin will be delighted to see you at the wedding whether you bring a present or not.

    Most Bride & Grooms invite guests because they want them to celebrate their special day with them.

    Your cousin is hardly inviting you purely to get a present from you.

    A nice card with a special inscription is perfect!


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    #142
    Kooli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Kooli


    Tim Robbins wrote: »
    No I am saying you should put your moral judgements on other people expectations unless you can give a logical reason which is somewhat consistent and not arbitary.

    It's quite simple why do I have to keep repeating a simple argument which no-one has dealt with?

    You can keep repeating it but it doesn't mean people have to agree with you!

    Why is it inconsistent to judge two different situations differently? They're different!


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    #143
    tatli_lokma
    Registered Users Posts: 3,332 ✭✭✭tatli_lokma


    Tim obviously has never heard of the general rule of good manners which is to be grateful for whatever you get and bear in mind its the thought that counts!

    In all honesty, yes it is true, some peoples 'thoughts' are very misplaced and they buy what THEY think is a nice present rather than what they know you would like. But hey, thats life. If you didn't like the present, don't keep it, and GET OVER IT!!!! the day you are talking about is your wedding day, the day you make a committment to the person you love -not the day you have just to get loads of presents!

    You pointed out several times that you are in a way offended by the lack of thought people put into the gift, how it showed a lack of knowledge or understanding of you as a person - in that case, why did you invite them? If they are not that close then they cannot be expected to know your personal taste, in which case they are hardly to be so badly berated for chosing wrongly.

    Now that the day is over, and you have seen the value they place on a gift for you, can I ask, do you think less of them for having bought a useless present? Are the people who gave you more money towards your mortgage considered to be better friends? are the ones who gave less no longer as appreciated?

    Tim, sorry but your attitude comes across like a spoiled child who didn't get what he wanted from Santa - right people bought crap presents, they wasted THEIR money, not yours, you had no use for the presents. Boo hoo, get over it. Its not the end of the world - if you were not expecting or relying (or whatever you care to call it) cash then you would not still be so hung up on it!

    I find your attitude and your approach in general distasteful and rude.

    Personally, cash was our preferred gift, but not particularly because we had financial worries or to pay for the wedding - if we were in that situation we would not have had a wedding and just have had a ceremony in the registry office. Any cash gifts we got we used to buy things we wanted and needed - in that way its still like the person gave us a gift in a way. Family offered money in the form of helping to pay for some things for the day such as my sis paid towards the DJ, my dad paid for the toast. Again, this was not expected, as we could have paid for it ourselves, but was very welcome. And by no means did a rich mammy and daddy fork out, before anyone lays that at me. We had a small wedding within our means.

    I do accept that as is the way of human nature, we have all got a present we thought was crap, or a complete waste of money and we wish they had just given cash - we've ALL done that, so I don't wish to present myself as holier than thou. But I'm not still going on about it months later! All that happened is that they wasted their money, it didn't personally offend me so terribly that months later I am on a forum being blatanely rude about it!

    Personally, the things I remember most about my wedding, are how wonderfully happy I was, and how lovely it was to have people I loved there. I don't look back on it and label each guest according to the 'usefulness' of their gift.

    (one thought for a possible present......a short course of ettiquette lessons - for those people really who need to learn some manners! ;) )


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    #144
    Kooli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Kooli


    Tim Robbins wrote: »
    Who puts it on has nothing to do with it. Say you organise your own stag an you'd love to have your mates there, by your logic you should pay for it and you should not expect your mates to.

    Do you see how illogical your position is?

    Nope. My position is not illogical. The change you made in my position, thereby making it a new position about a different situation, is illogical. But that's not really anything to do with me!

    My understanding of the hen and stag is that it is organised by your friends as a send-off. That's why I see it as different. And therefore my position with regards to difference between the wedding and hen/stag is consistent and logical, just how you like it!

    You can introduce hypotheticals about stags or hens organised by the bride and groom themselves if you like, thereby introducing a new question.

    If you had a 40th birthday party, would you split the cost of putting it on and give a bill to your friends, or expect cash gifts? I doubt it. But if you want to be perfectly consistent you probably should!


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    #145
    Kooli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Kooli


    Cincikchick wrote: »
    Tim obviously has never heard of the general rule of good manners which is to be grateful for whatever you get and bear in mind its the thought that counts!

    In all honesty, yes it is true, some peoples 'thoughts' are very misplaced and they buy what THEY think is a nice present rather than what they know you would like. But hey, thats life. If you didn't like the present, don't keep it, and GET OVER IT!!!! the day you are talking about is your wedding day, the day you make a committment to the person you love -not the day you have just to get loads of presents!

    You pointed out several times that you are in a way offended by the lack of thought people put into the gift, how it showed a lack of knowledge or understanding of you as a person - in that case, why did you invite them? If they are not that close then they cannot be expected to know your personal taste, in which case they are hardly to be so badly berated for chosing wrongly.

    Now that the day is over, and you have seen the value they place on a gift for you, can I ask, do you think less of them for having bought a useless present? Are the people who gave you more money towards your mortgage considered to be better friends? are the ones who gave less no longer as appreciated?

    Tim, sorry but your attitude comes across like a spoiled child who didn't get what he wanted from Santa - right people bought crap presents, they wasted THEIR money, not yours, you had no use for the presents. Boo hoo, get over it. Its not the end of the world - if you were not expecting or relying (or whatever you care to call it) cash then you would not still be so hung up on it!

    I find your attitude and your approach in general distasteful and rude.

    Personally, cash was our preferred gift, but not particularly because we had financial worries or to pay for the wedding - if we were in that situation we would not have had a wedding and just have had a ceremony in the registry office. Any cash gifts we got we used to buy things we wanted and needed - in that way its still like the person gave us a gift in a way. Family offered money in the form of helping to pay for some things for the day such as my sis paid towards the DJ, my dad paid for the toast. Again, this was not expected, as we could have paid for it ourselves, but was very welcome. And by no means did a rich mammy and daddy fork out, before anyone lays that at me. We had a small wedding within our means.

    I do accept that as is the way of human nature, we have all got a present we thought was crap, or a complete waste of money and we wish they had just given cash - we've ALL done that, so I don't wish to present myself as holier than thou. But I'm not still going on about it months later! All that happened is that they wasted their money, it didn't personally offend me so terribly that months later I am on a forum being blatanely rude about it!

    Personally, the things I remember most about my wedding, are how wonderfully happy I was, and how lovely it was to have people I loved there. I don't look back on it and label each guest according to the 'usefulness' of their gift.

    (one thought for a possible present......a short course of ettiquette lessons - for those people really who need to learn some manners! ;) )


    What he/she said!

    But I'm sure Tim will just get back to you with questions/accusations about your logical inconsistencies and ignore everything else you've said...


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    #146
    Teddy Chips
    Closed Accounts Posts: 121 ✭✭Teddy Chips


    Diddler1977 wrote: »
    Maybe you could do something like picking up the B&G from the airport after the honeymoon in lieu of a present.

    I am sure your cousin will be delighted to see you at the wedding whether you bring a present or not.

    Most Bride & Grooms invite guests because they want them to celebrate their special day with them.

    Your cousin is hardly inviting you purely to get a present from you.

    A nice card with a special inscription is perfect!
    Thank you for your kind words, I'll say a prayer for you. I have been having images of going through a panic attack at the wedding when people find out we didn't bring a gift.


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    #147
    tatli_lokma
    Registered Users Posts: 3,332 ✭✭✭tatli_lokma


    Teddy Chips wrote: »
    Thank you for your kind words, I'll say a prayer for you. I have been having images of going through a panic attack at the wedding when people find out we didn't bring a gift.

    oh please don't be in a panic. If your cousins are decent people they will appreciate the circumstances you are in and will think no less of you for it.
    One of my good friends recently lost her job and is having a tough time. In lieu of a present she gave me so much help for the wedding and for that I am truly grateful - more so than if she had given me €1000! What she did to show me how much me and my wedding meant to her, was worth far more than any monetary gift. Putting yourself out for the couple and helping them in a practical way will be remembered far longer than any gift (useless or otherwise!).

    The couple may well feel like they don't want to impose on you, but be insistant that you want to help - as others said, collect them from the honeymoon, offer to bring and fetch, maybe volunteer to take care of the awkward auntie on the day (THAT will be much appreciated and probably a job no one else wants!).

    If the couple care about you and you about them, then they will genuinely prefer that you are there empty handed then not at all. Some may disagree with this sentiment and accuse me and the others of being a pollyanna, but it is honestly the truth as far as I am concerned.

    A good friend whom I think a lot of didn't come to our wedding - she made her excuses and still gave us €100. I later found out that the reason for her not coming was because her husband had just found out he was to be let go and her hours had been cut. I honestly wish she had kept the €100 and used it to attend and have a few drinks and share our day. Even now when I think what that gift of €100 actually cost us, I feel so disappointed. Her €100 cost us her presence - I would have preferred her presence than the money, and that is the truth.


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    #148
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 23,339 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Teddy Chips wrote: »
    Thank you for your kind words, I'll say a prayer for you. I have been having images of going through a panic attack at the wedding when people find out we didn't bring a gift.

    As folks have said, nothing at all to worry about, a nice message in the card and happy out. Be sure to enjoy the day :)


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    #149
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    Cincikchick wrote: »
    Tim obviously has never heard of the general rule of good manners which is to be grateful for whatever you get and bear in mind its the thought that counts!

    In all honesty, yes it is true, some peoples 'thoughts' are very misplaced and they buy what THEY think is a nice present rather than what they know you would like. But hey, thats life. If you didn't like the present, don't keep it, and GET OVER IT!!!! the day you are talking about is your wedding day, the day you make a committment to the person you love -not the day you have just to get loads of presents!

    You pointed out several times that you are in a way offended by the lack of thought people put into the gift, how it showed a lack of knowledge or understanding of you as a person - in that case, why did you invite them? If they are not that close then they cannot be expected to know your personal taste, in which case they are hardly to be so badly berated for chosing wrongly.

    Now that the day is over, and you have seen the value they place on a gift for you, can I ask, do you think less of them for having bought a useless present? Are the people who gave you more money towards your mortgage considered to be better friends? are the ones who gave less no longer as appreciated?

    Tim, sorry but your attitude comes across like a spoiled child who didn't get what he wanted from Santa - right people bought crap presents, they wasted THEIR money, not yours, you had no use for the presents. Boo hoo, get over it. Its not the end of the world - if you were not expecting or relying (or whatever you care to call it) cash then you would not still be so hung up on it!

    I find your attitude and your approach in general distasteful and rude.

    Personally, cash was our preferred gift, but not particularly because we had financial worries or to pay for the wedding - if we were in that situation we would not have had a wedding and just have had a ceremony in the registry office. Any cash gifts we got we used to buy things we wanted and needed - in that way its still like the person gave us a gift in a way. Family offered money in the form of helping to pay for some things for the day such as my sis paid towards the DJ, my dad paid for the toast. Again, this was not expected, as we could have paid for it ourselves, but was very welcome. And by no means did a rich mammy and daddy fork out, before anyone lays that at me. We had a small wedding within our means.

    I do accept that as is the way of human nature, we have all got a present we thought was crap, or a complete waste of money and we wish they had just given cash - we've ALL done that, so I don't wish to present myself as holier than thou. But I'm not still going on about it months later! All that happened is that they wasted their money, it didn't personally offend me so terribly that months later I am on a forum being blatanely rude about it!

    Personally, the things I remember most about my wedding, are how wonderfully happy I was, and how lovely it was to have people I loved there. I don't look back on it and label each guest according to the 'usefulness' of their gift.

    (one thought for a possible present......a short course of ettiquette lessons - for those people really who need to learn some manners! ;) )

    Well said, I couldn't have put it better myself.

    This whole thread has given me a headache, all this arguing and crap, it's ridiculous. Wedding does not equal entitlement of presents, be they cash or gifts. So what if you got presents that you have no use for? You shouldn't have been expecting them in the first place. Some people aren't good at picking out presents. Some people like to give cash at weddings, others give presents.

    If you have no use for presents you got, then sell them on ebay, I'm sure you'd make some money on the presents.

    And to the poster (Tim Robbins was it??) who says about putting cash presents towards the mortgage, then if it's that important for you, then you should've not spent €10k-€15k or whatever the amount was on your wedding and put that towards your mortgage instead. It is very easy to have a wedding on a budget, you do not need to spend a five figure sum to get a "budget" wedding.

    When I get married, I will not expect any gifts whatsoever. If somebody gives me a present, well that'll be nice but I wouldn't be disappointed either. I intend to save up and pay for the day without having to rely on handouts from parents / parents-in-law. I would be budgeting assuming that no presents would be received so that I wouldn't be relying on cash gifts to pay for any part of it, like some couples do.

    The bottom line is, if you choose to have a big day, do so within your budget and stop moaning about getting crap presents. You should be thankful with what you got, no matter how crap it is, be glad that your friends showed up to your wedding.


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    #150
    dresstoimpress
    Registered Users Posts: 153 ✭✭dresstoimpress


    Can I throw the cat among the pigeons here.....
    I work part time in a shop that sells typical wedding gifts, crystal, silver, dinnerware ect. And the ammount of people I have served who bought a CRAPPY box of 40e crystal glasses as a couple going to a whole wedding because of the recession.. blah... blah.... Only later in the conversation to mention their new outfits, the fact that they are staying in the hotel, drinking for the whole weekend and so on.
    Drives me mad, people being so selfish!! :mad::mad::mad:
    I've been on a budget going to a wedding and spent the day on the dry and drove home, gave the couple my drinking money as their present. A wedding is about celebrating the couple getting married not scabbing a free meal and bottle of wine!!:mad::mad:
    Sorry for the rant!!
    Just so many people with plenty of money using the downturn as a chance to be tight....


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    #151
    iguana
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 12,915 Mod ✭✭✭✭iguana


    Ok, I know the original post refers specifically to the recession and as such I expect the economy to be discussed, however demands and accusations about the financial situations of other posters are out of line and I will be handing out bans to any posters who continue down that route. Equally I don't want to see anymore snide comments when people do answer, or passive aggressive assumptions about brief periods of inactivity on the thread.

    Also if posters are having serious financial problems which are not related to their weddings or marriages, I suggest taking those issues to the relevant forums such as Biz: Personal, Accommodation and Property, The Property Pin's A&E section or AskAboutMoney. I sympathise with anyone who is having financial problems of any kind, but it's not a stick to beat other posters with.


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