Ex has new relationship after 6 days

D3nn!s · 27-06-2020 10:51am #1

Hi,

I recently just got out of a serious relationship with a girl. It was long-distance (different countries), and we hadn't seen each other in about 4 months on account of travel restrictions. When we were physically together and could actually see each other, our relationship was great. I had noticed in the last 6 weeks or so, we weren't contacting each other any where near as much.

So just last week we decided to break if off, but remain just friends. It was her idea. She said she was finding the long distance too hard. I get that, and while I was very upset by it, I was okay with it. It was really, really difficult for me as well just having a digital relationship. She gave me the usual speel about how great a guy I was etc. and how she felt she was in a really weird place right now and just wanted to live 'day to day'. I told her I understood. I was naturally very upset, but I accepted that me being upset is my problem. She told me that remaining friends still meant the world to her, and I was honestly happy about that too, even though I knew it would be difficult.

Then, 1 week later, I happened to log into Facebook and found she had set her Facebook status to in a relationship with a guy who lives in the same location as her. The post was a day old, so this was 6 days after we agreed to be just friends.

I was absolutely enraged by this and tried to call her phone about 20 times to get her to answer for this to my face. She wouldn't pick up the phone because she said she had 'had a day of nonstop drama' (whatever that means), and just couldn't talk. I hate doing serious conversations like this by text, but I eventually lost my patience and just text her and let her know how upset I was. I was not rude or abusive, but I told her that she really hurt me. She eventually texted me back and promised me that she hadn't 'betrayed' me, but no reasons as to how didn't. She said she had a lot to explain and would love a chance to. I told her I would give her that chance, but I still haven't got a call or text and 2 days have past.

Is it just me, or is this wrong on so many different levels.

Yes, I know our relationship was over, and I know that eventually she was going to move on, but I didn't think like this or this soon. I feel updating a public thing like Facebook without giving me a heads up first is cruel, insensitive and incredibly disrespectful towards our relationship, and to me personally and my feelings. All this about my friendship meaning so much, and she doesn't have the decency or respect for me to 1. call me in the first place to let me know, 2. answer my calls and 3. not call me back. Not to mention the giant elephant in the room of how she managed to form a committed, 'Facebook Official' relationship in 6 days without 'betraying' me. In my experience, Facebook is usually the last thing people update, unless you're a something like a teenager (so at best, that would make her unbelievably immature, given the fact she's 28 (I'm 26)).

I am so shocked, hurt and angry right now, and I am really lost.

What do I do here? Just to be clear, I don't want to salvage the relationship, romantic or friendship, but I want answers, and I feel like I deserve them.

ninebeanrows · 27-06-2020 10:56am

What age are youse? This seems really painful but your best off saving yourself more pain and removing any notion of this girl from your life. Block her and ban her, only way to get over this is to act like she doesnt exist any more.

Itll be a tough few months, good luck

LegacyUser · 27-06-2020 10:57am

Hi Op,
I understand your frustration but you sound very young and given the fact that you live in different countries and probably do not see each other often - I would let this one go. Personally I feel it is not worth the hassle if she is not even answering the phone. She didn't show you any respect so as best try to put it behind you.

Thelonious Monk · 27-06-2020 10:58am

Honestly this is better than having it dragged out in some way for ages. At least you know it's 100% over now that she's getting lashed out of it by someone else. She also sounds like she's 17 not 28 with that kind of status update nonsense and such. I'm sure you've heard this loads of times already but you just need to stop all contact or snooping and ride out the pain.

27-06-2020 10:58am

You were cheated on and then dumped. It's ****ty, it's life.

I personally think women are now calculating in this regard. Women plan breakups and sow the seeds in advance to almost make it your decision or seem that way.

Forget the friendship until such time as you have forgiven or forgotten because there's no way you can be a friend and socialisr with your ex and hey new partner until then and that takes time.

For the love of God don't give her more time. It just pisses you off more and will give her a chance for more wiggling and lies.

I was in your shoes, almost exact same scenario except it want distance but work. Now I'm fine with her and her now husband. It was meant to be for them but it's years later.

I'm being blunt. Sometimes that's the best way.

LegacyUser · 27-06-2020 11:00am

Move on OP. She is not the kind hearted person that you thought she was. She is cruel and dishonest. She could have told you that she was interested in someone else six days ago but didn't. She lied by omission.

Don't put yourself through anymore of her ****e. Move on and answer all your questions with "because she is a mean cÃ႒Â»nt". Hope this helps.

Porklife · 27-06-2020 11:06am

Jesus Christ OP...I feel angry just reading your post. Terrible behaviour on her side. I was with a guy for eight years who did a similar thing to me. He got with another girl the first weekend after we broke up. We were living together and he didn't come home until Sunday morning. I know that sting very well.

Here's what I learned....

The more I reacted, the less it actually mattered. I made a fool of myself. The reality is if somebody has checked out and is with someone else, your emotive reactions will only serve to validify their decision. Her comment about having a day full of drama is passive aggressive and bitchy to the hilt. She does not respect you.

Number two...you think you need answers. You don't. You already have your answers. She's a weapon. There's your answer.

Do not get angry. Do not become needy (for reasons or answers or anything). Walk away. She'll wonder why you're not reacting. She knew damn well you'd see her Facebook status. She did that ok purpose to disrespect you. **** her.

Op....it sucks right now but you are so much better off without her. She sounds like an absolute bitch. You wouldn't behave like she has because you're a good guy.

Ignore her. Dust yourself off. Have a beer and smile.
You're gonna be fine.

spurshero · 27-06-2020 11:07am

D3nn!s wrote: »

Hi,

I recently just got out of a serious relationship with a girl. It was long-distance (different countries), and we hadn't seen each other in about 4 months on account of travel restrictions. When we were physically together and could actually see each other, our relationship was great. I had noticed in the last 6 weeks or so, we weren't contacting each other any where near as much.

So just last week we decided to break if off, but remain just friends. It was her idea. She said she was finding the long distance too hard. I get that, and while I was very upset by it, I was okay with it. It was really, really difficult for me as well just having a digital relationship. She gave me the usual speel about how great a guy I was etc. and how she felt she was in a really weird place right now and just wanted to live 'day to day'. I told her I understood. I was naturally very upset, but I accepted that me being upset is my problem. She told me that remaining friends still meant the world to her, and I was honestly happy about that too, even though I knew it would be difficult.

Then, 1 week later, I happened to log into Facebook and found she had set her Facebook status to in a relationship with a guy who lives in the same location as her. The post was a day old, so this was 6 days after we agreed to be just friends.

I was absolutely enraged by this and tried to call her phone about 20 times to get her to answer for this to my face. She wouldn't pick up the phone because she said she had 'had a day of nonstop drama' (whatever that means), and just couldn't talk. I hate doing serious conversations like this by text, but I eventually lost my patience and just text her and let her know how upset I was. I was not rude or abusive, but I told her that she really hurt me. She eventually texted me back and promised me that she hadn't 'betrayed' me, but no reasons as to how didn't. She said she had a lot to explain and would love a chance to. I told her I would give her that chance, but I still haven't got a call or text and 2 days have past.

Is it just me, or is this wrong on so many different levels.

Yes, I know our relationship was over, and I know that eventually she was going to move on, but I didn't think like this or this soon. I feel updating a public thing like Facebook without giving me a heads up first is cruel, insensitive and incredibly disrespectful towards our relationship, and to me personally and my feelings. All this about my friendship meaning so much, and she doesn't have the decency or respect for me to 1. call me in the first place to let me know, 2. answer my calls and 3. not call me back. Not to mention the giant elephant in the room of how she managed to form a committed, 'Facebook Official' relationship in 6 days without 'betraying' me. In my experience, Facebook is usually the last thing people update, unless you're a something like a teenager (so at best, that would make her unbelievably immature, given the fact she's 28 (I'm 26)).

I am so shocked, hurt and angry right now, and I am really lost.

What do I do here? Just to be clear, I don't want to salvage the relationship, romantic or friendship, but I want answers, and I feel like I deserve them.

I think the best thing to do is forget about her and move on with your life. Reading between the lines I would say the relationship is going on longer then a few days and she was put under pressure by new partner to changer her Facebook status ! Anyway being in diff countries and all that there not a lot that can be done . What’s she gonna tell you that makes you feel better? I would leave this one where it is and move on with my life even if it hurts a bit . Best of luck .

Porklife · 27-06-2020 11:07am

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

You were cheated on and then dumped. It's ****ty, it's life.

I personally think women are now calculating in this regard. Women plan breakups and sow the seeds in advance to almost make it your decision or seem that way.

Forget the friendship until such time as you have forgiven or forgotten because there's no way you can be a friend and socialisr with your ex and hey new partner until then and that takes time.

For the love of God don't give her more time. It just pisses you off more and will give her a chance for more wiggling and lies.

I was in your shoes, almost exact same scenario except it want distance but work. Now I'm fine with her and her now husband. It was meant to be for them but it's years later.

I'm being blunt. Sometimes that's the best way.

Generalize much? ðŸ™„

bcklschaps · 27-06-2020 11:27am

Face it OP, its Over. She had the new jockey lined up long before she bounced you.

Don't say or do anything stupid now while things are still very raw. You'll regret it down the line.

Who knows, she might come crawling back someday.... and then you can dish out a cold bowl of revenge soup.

Scattered99 · 27-06-2020 11:37am

She sounds terrible and she is acting like a teenage girl. You can do so much better man.

LilacNails · 27-06-2020 12:25pm

That's horrible op I can't imagine how it must feel.

The way I see it, you've see a side to her u didn't know existed. Look at it as a blessing in disguise. You would have seen this side to her eventually if this all didn't happen.

Block her on social media and her number. Seriously u don't need someone like this in your life. U don't need to stay friends or anything, cut ties. She's clearly selfish and inconsiderate to people who love her.

You'll get over it. It's a lesson learned. Move on, u deserve so much better than this.

27-06-2020 12:27pm

Porklife wrote: »

Generalize much? ðŸ™„

Good input

Batgurl · 27-06-2020 12:34pm

Porklife wrote: »

Number two...you think you need answers. You don't. You already have your answers. She's a weapon. There's your answer.

This is the only break up rule anyone needs to know.

No one is owed answers and to be honest, no answers are ever going to make it any less ****ty. The sooner you get to the acceptance stage, the sooner you will move on.

jimbobaloobob · 27-06-2020 12:34pm

Cut free op. Horrible situation but you've nothing to gain but rot from remaining 'friends'. Tell her you're not interested in friends if it's only a relationship you wanted with her that's now over. Being friends is cotton wool cushion for her emotions. To hell with that.
Move on and leave behind you will be happier

Porklife · 27-06-2020 12:42pm

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

Good input

A lot better than yours in fairness. Saying women do xyz is juvenile and ridiculous. We are all individuals with our own mindsets.
Enough input for you darling?

Porklife · 27-06-2020 12:52pm

Batgurl wrote: »

This is the only break up rule anyone needs to know.

No one is owed answers and to be honest, no answers are ever going to make it any less ****ty. The sooner you get to the acceptance stage, the sooner you will move on.

Exactly Batgurl. I begged and pleaded and cried and repeatedly sobbed but how could you!
Being coldly told... because I don't love you anymore does not ease the pain... believe me.
Just walk away Op. You're only 26...you've got the world at your feet kiddo! It's gonna be okay. You don't need answers. The Q and A session has now closed.
Chin up, the sun will shine again.

Dog day · 27-06-2020 1:01pm

There’s not much I can add in terms of describing the abhorrent behaviour of your Ex OP, others here have described her perfectly.

What I can say is please don’t convince yourself that you need answers, on a subconscious level this is something we tend to do when we’re desperately trying to maintain contact with someone we once cared about who has hurt us, it’s normal, it’s human, but it won’t help you.

Your Ex’s actions are all the answers you need!

You’re only 26, consider it a lucky escape, she sounds incredibly emotionally immature, dishonest, cowardly & passive aggressive, her new fella is welcome to her.

You’ll be fine.

Hannibal_Smith · 27-06-2020 1:07pm

Mod Note

Niner leprauchan - gender generalisations are against the forum charter here in PI. Please bear this in mind and remind yourself of the rules here.

Porklife - if you have a problem with a post, please report it and the moderators will deal with it, if required.

Please do not derail the thread any further with the back and forth between you.

Porklife · 27-06-2020 1:10pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Note

Niner leprauchan - gender generalisations are against the forum charter here in PI. Please bear this in mind and remind yourself of the rules here.

Porklife - if you have a problem with a post, please report it and the moderators will deal with it, if required.

Please do not derail the thread any further with the back and forth between you.

He started it! ðŸŒ

KiKi III · 27-06-2020 1:16pm

It’s a slap in the face to tell you she wanted to be friends and then update her Facebook like that knowing you’d see it.

It would have been much kinder of her to say she needed space and delete you on the platform so it wouldn’t seem so in your face.

I’d forget about trying to get answers from her, there are no good answers here. Focus on self-care, talking to your own friends and giving yourself time to grieve the relationship.

If she did cheat, that’s a reflection of her, not you.

HBC08 · 27-06-2020 1:23pm

There's some good advise above.

She's obviously a terrible person and a coward.
Sorry to be blunt but she's made a fool of you (through no fault of your own and you cant control what has happed)

You can control how this plays out from here on.
You can chase her up for calls and texts be needy or angry or hurt or whatever but she'll just lie to you if she even gets back to you.

Block her on all platforms and be glad you dodged a bullet.

Hannibal_Smith · 27-06-2020 1:36pm

Mod Note

Porklife, if you have an issue with moderator instruction, you are welcome to PM me. As per for the Forum Charter please do not address moderator instruction in thread again.

Mongfinder General · 27-06-2020 1:45pm

OP, you should be dancing down the street. It sounds like you have been done up like a kipper. Cut off all contact with her. Imagine being stuck with her, a mortgage and 2 kids.

27-06-2020 1:58pm

Mongfinder General wrote: »

OP, you should be dancing down the street. It sounds like you have been done up like a kipper. Cut off all contact with her. Imagine being stuck with her, a mortgage and 2 kids.

and another guy up her sleeve somewhere

D3nn!s · 27-06-2020 2:37pm

Thank you to everyone who responded, it means a lot to see people on my side of this. I will try my best to move on with it. Just one thing to clear up where I think I may have confused a couple of respondents. I am absolutely not trying to remain friends with this person, in anyway. After the message I sent her, I fully planned on never contacting her again. It was her who responded (by text) she wanted to explain herself. But no matter what she said, there isn't much redemption for her here, in my opinion. So after this conversation was over, it was still end game for me. Sorry if I was unclear about this.

leggo · 27-06-2020 3:21pm

Porklife wrote: »

Number two...you think you need answers. You don't. You already have your answers. She's a weapon. There's your answer.

This quote made me laugh out loud, but only because it’s so true and really all you need to know OP.

Here’s the way I’d try look at it if I were you: your instincts are almost definitely correct. The fact that she instantly brought up the issue of betrayal means it was on her mind because she knew she’d done it. When people do bad things they know are wrong yet can’t bare to think of themselves as imperfect and flawed, it’ll kinda break them. They’ll flit between needing to try explain/justify themselves and completely ignoring you to just run away from the fire they’ve started.

And here’s a lesson learned from cold, harsh experience: any ‘explanations’ they give are for their benefit, not yours. They’ll feed you absolute waffle and just blitz you with information until you’re just confused & tired so accept it (there’s actually a term for this I only learned this week that escapes me right now), but really it’s an exercise so they can tick the “Yep, see, I’m a good person” box in their own brain then run away. By the time you process it and think “waaaaaitaminute”, they’re gone because the objective isn’t to take responsibility for their actions and help you recover, it’s to justify their actions to themselves. So every time you reach out they’ll just say “This is why I did what I did.” Despite the fact that you didn’t need closure until they did what they did.

So try move towards accepting Porklife’s explanation because it really is the truth. You may have to make some tough realisations over the next while, like the relationship wasn’t what you thought it was and they didn’t care about you like you thought they did. But these realisations will be lessons for things to look out for in future so you can eventually find someone who does all of these things.

Porklife · 27-06-2020 3:23pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Note

Porklife, if you have an issue with moderator instruction, you are welcome to PM me. As per for the Forum Charter please do not address moderator instruction in thread again.

I have an issue with authority in general Hannibal

I'll obey the rules though cos I love boards.
I didn't mean any disrespect.

Porklife · 27-06-2020 3:34pm

leggo wrote: »

This quote made me laugh out loud, but only because it’s so true and really all you need to know OP.

Here’s the way I’d try look at it if I were you: your instincts are almost definitely correct. The fact that she instantly brought up the issue of betrayal means it was on her mind because she knew she’d done it. When people do bad things they know are wrong yet can’t bare to think of themselves as imperfect and flawed, it’ll kinda break them. They’ll flit between needing to try explain/justify themselves and completely ignoring you to just run away from the fire they’ve started.

And here’s a lesson learned from cold, harsh experience: any ‘explanations’ they give are for their benefit, not yours. They’ll feed you absolute waffle and just blitz you with information until you’re just confused & tired so accept it (there’s actually a term for this I only learned this week that escapes me right now), but really it’s an exercise so they can tick the “Yep, see, I’m a good person” box in their own brain then run away. By the time you process it and think “waaaaaitaminute”, they’re gone because the objective isn’t to take responsibility for their actions and help you recover, it’s to justify their actions to themselves. So every time you reach out they’ll just say “This is why I did what I did.” Despite the fact that you didn’t need closure until they did what they did.

So try move towards accepting Porklife’s explanation because it really is the truth. You may have to make some tough realisations over the next while, like the relationship wasn’t what you thought it was and they didn’t care about you like you thought they did. But these realisations will be lessons for things to look out for in future so you can eventually find someone who does all of these things.

I love your posts Leggo... always on the money.
OP...come on kid, this girl is not the girl for you and thank both Christ and Lucifer for that. She doesn't sound like a good person...you however do.
Cut ties and move on. It's hard but it will make you stronger. Honestly, my boyfriend who I adored ended it and I was inconsolable. I thought he was all that mattered. Turns out, he wasn't/isn't. I'm with a guy now who I love to pieces. Things tend to happen for a reason. Sometimes it's hard for see the reason but it's usually there if you want to see it.
You're gonna be fine... believe that because it's true.
Stop thinking about her. Think about you.

Porklife · 27-06-2020 3:39pm

They'll flit between... Leggo..I'm in the process of writing a book and I'm stealing that line ..:)
On topic lest I get in trouble...dude, you're 26...plenty of honey in the pot for you - grab a spoon.

cj maxx · 27-06-2020 6:16pm

Op , she obviously didn't feel the same as you about the relationship, or may have found the distance insurmountable.
Either way, it's over. As for being friends, my opinion is don't bother. You don't need reminders of her online. Block her / unfriend her on social media etc. She did the dirt on you presumably so while you don't have to be enemies I don't think you can be friends. Move on .

Ex has new relationship after 6 days

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