Partner and his hobbies

GreenAngel2012 wrote: »

Hi,

A (not so) quick question......

Am I being unreasonable? My partner and I have been together over 3.5 years now, not living together. Recently over the last year, he has taken up hobbies. first it was once a week, then twice, now it's 3 times a week. It means, basically, that before all his hobbies we used to complain we didn't get enough time together (I have 2 kids and work full time, as does he). My kids go to their father every other weekend which is the only time we properly get time alone. All the other times are quick dinners every night then he goes home at about 7.30 every night as he works early in the morning.

But now he is away Monday nights at 6.45, Tuesdays and Thursday it is 6.30...I mean, am I wrong to take it personally? We generally get to my place for dinner around 4.45 so between everything there isn't much time except for how are you etc then he's gone!

The kids have swimming lessons etc on Thursdays after my work which means there is even less time. He comes with me to that but there is no quality time for us at all.

I get it, I am a mother and obviously I cannot be free every evening like he can, but I would have been used to this if it had started this way, but this has gradually happened over the last year!

His argument is that he is entitled to some hobbies. Am I being oversensitive? I nearly exploded last night when he came in after his new hobby (Monday nights - it finishes at 8 but it finished late, at 8.45. He promised he'd pop in for tea on the way home, to appease me? I don't know!). He asked me 'so, what have you been up then? Mopping?'. I was livid. I don't think he was trying to be smart, but wtf....

This was the same in my family (except reversed, my wife got into politics as hobby) till it eventually turned into hobbies Vs marriage and hobbies won
Sort it out early - find a balance both of you can live with. Best of luck

I'm going to put the cat back amongst the pigeons here.

So you're together 3.5 years, and he recently actively makes sure he spends more time away from you, than with you?

Yes, he's entitled to have hobbies and a life away from his partner, everybody is, but it seems like you're now more of a pit-stop than a partner. A quick dinner, then he goes off and does his own thing most nights. You don't live together, so you don't even get quality time together in bed for chats or cuddles.

I'm not saying he should be home by your side every night. But he basically gets to do whatever he wants and you get to do nothing except work and be a mammy. How is that a partnership? Has he ever offered to mind your children some evening so you can even go out for a drink after work or to the cinema with a friend? Anything like that? I'm aware he is not the children's father, and as such has no real responsibility for them, but he does towards you. He's meant to love you. He should want to make you happy. If that means babysitting for a few hours while you relax with a friend, then why wouldn't he offer to do that, even once every couple of months?

After this length of time, what are you actually getting from this relationship, apart from a few snatched hours here and there, entirely on his schedule?

What makes you think you will lose the maintenance from your children’s father?

Your relationship doesn't read like it's a priority for you.
You could probably both do with compromising.

As far as I know maintenance for kids is not dependant on who you live with. Anyway your arrangements around your previous relationship are yours but I do wonder what your partner gets out of it. The relationship won't move in foreseeable future so he is stuck in being evening company to you, you day he can't move in which would give you more time together and you complain about his hobbies because you feel lonely in the evenings. It seems to me a lot of hard work.

kylith wrote: »

You’d need to check your own agreement, but I am 100% sure that when my brother moved in with his now wife, and even after they married, her previous husband was still paying support for his kid until they left school.

your ex may no longer have to pay maintenance for you or pay fully for any mortgage (if he is paying such things) if you remarry and he moves in to your home

however, he is likely to have to continue paying maintenance for kids until of age regardless

GreenAngel2012 wrote: »

He only pays maintenance for the kids.... I wouldn't have it any other way. I did look into it and it does seem like my ex would have to keep paying for the kids. I shall broach it with my partner. He seems unwilling to move in until the kids are older though. Fair enough but I don't want to be walking up the aisle on a zimmer frame either 😂

Is getting married again by a certain date a big deal? As in a deal breaker?
Relationships are complicated enough, add kids and multiply up, even more so for previous kids..
Ye both need to look after ye're own mental health.. And having some level of outside interests could be good for ye both...
Would it be possible (or even desirable), for him to stay over more, mid week ect..??
So that he's not just visiting for dinner Or a cup of tea..?

GreenAngel2012 wrote: »

As far as I know, if there's another man living in the house and paying towards mortgage /food, bills, etc my ex can dispute that he no longer needs to pay towards it as well.

Uh, I really don't believe that to be true.

I'm a father paying maintenance to my children's mother, and she's had several partners living with them over the years.

He has a legal responsibility to his kids, even if he has another family.

I know this thread is a bit old now but I just wanted to throw in my tuppence worth, my husband has a child, I don't have any children and don't particularly enjoy being around children - I prefer adult company or just being on my own - but that's not to say that I don't do my best for my step-daughter and make sure her best interests are met; I just don't feel that it's up to me to make the same amount of sacrifices as her mother and my husband should make.

I'm aware that you never said you expected that of your boyfriend, so don't take what I'm saying personally, I'm just trying to shed a bit of light on what it's like from the "step-parent" point of view, and that is that whether we like it or not, we can get jealous when we're not Number 1 - we're only human, we know that kids come first, rightly so, but it doesn't mean that it's always lovely for us. So whether your boyfriend is just genuinely taking up more hobbies to suit himself, or he's doing it to prove to you that he too has other things in his life besides your relationship, who knows but it's promising that he was delighted when you asked him to stay overnight midweek, so the chances are that maybe he feels a bit unsure about his place in your life, which is totally understandable given that you have children and a job to prioritise over anything "fun".

It can be really, really difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has a child and saying that he knew the situation before ye got involved is totally daft; we all KNOW things, but living through them is completely different because your emotions are involved. I'm sure you "knew" what having children would be like in theory, but the reality is totally different to the theory.
I knew my husband had a baby when I first met him, but I thought that being with someone who had a child would be all sweetness and light, that it was the ideal solution to take the pressure off me to have children of my own and would be full of fond moments spent together but the reality is not that at all - my experience of it is that it's a huge financial strain on us, it's geographically difficult and there have been many times when I've had to forego holiday time / weekend events etc because of a change of plan on the other side.
That would then make me resentful and want to go out of my way to plan my own things, without him, so that I wouldn't be let down again.

Again, not saying that you're involved in any of the same scenarios but I just wanted to speak for someone in a more similar position to your BF. I think people tend to be harsh on those of us who are involved with a partner with kids by using the "you knew what you were getting into" line but that's not fair, yes, we know that the situation is there but we don't know how it feels to be living it unless we've been in a similar relationship before, so it would be nice if our partners acknowledged that they appreciate the difficulties and are grateful for what we do when we help out etc, as to be honest, it's like being constantly on babysitting duty during your free time, which isn't that much fun really!