The last time you spoke to somebody before their death.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 15-11-2020 10:54am #1

My brother died suddenly a few weeks back. I vividly recall our last interaction. He was up in my house having a few cans, listening to tunes. He played the Ryan Adams cover of Wonderwall. When it was over he said "I better get going Kid, I'll talk to you later".

I tried listening to that tune last night for the first time since and broke down on the opening chords. I just had to turn it off.

sadie1502 · 15-11-2020 10:58am

My mam two years ago the evening of Sunday the 04th of November. Its as clear as day and plays over and over. Its horrible when they are taken suddenly. Sorry for your loss.

Dtp1979 · 15-11-2020 11:00am

My mother back in the day was supposed to go to a dance with 4 of her friends but for whatever reason she went with somebody else. She said she was talking to them as they drove off. Minutes later the 4 were killed in a head on collision

Gervais08 · 15-11-2020 11:01am

With my dad a few weeks ago he was in and out of consciousness but I did say to him “if you need to go to mam then don’t stay for me”. I got the call that he’d passed about an hour after I got home and I’m choosing that he held on to see me.

With the mother it was sudden and my last conversation with her was about football! She’d have liked that. I get the thing about connections - I couldn’t pass the hospital where she died for a decade after.

My thoughts to you all going through this, especially this year and with Christmas coming.

eviltwin · 15-11-2020 11:01am

Dtp1979 wrote: »

My mother back in the day was supposed to go to a dance with 4 of her friends but for whatever reason she went with somebody else. She said she was talking to them as they drove off. Minutes later the 4 were killed in a head on collision

Oh god that's awful:( I'm so sorry for your loss

Gervais08 · 15-11-2020 11:04am

Dtp1979 wrote: »

My mother back in the day was supposed to go to a dance with 4 of her friends but for whatever reason she went with somebody else. She said she was talking to them as they drove off. Minutes later the 4 were killed in a head on collision

Similar with my dad - ge did his national service in the 50s and someone screwed up and left him and another guy behind when they went on a routine patrol.

A sniper shot three of them. Took my dad till the 2000s and a very boozy 65th birthday in West Cork to tell me.

I am so sorry for your mam.

JustAThought · 15-11-2020 11:07am

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss & your brothers death OP , I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. I had a close family member die alone in the first lockdown in a nursing home. I was outside, the doors were locked and nobody was allowed in. That morning I drove around trying to buy flowers to send in and wrote a card for the staff to read to them. Evert time I see the flowers I bought I feel sick. They would have loved them though.

recyclops · 15-11-2020 11:07am

My mam passed away suddenly on a weekend away with friends, on the Friday before leaving she gave me an unusually long hug (I may just imagine that now) and reminded me to take care of my brothers dinner on Sunday.

Which I didn't get to do as we had to travel to another counties morgue.

SeaFields · 15-11-2020 11:08am

Very sorry for your loss OP.

Dtp1979 · 15-11-2020 11:09am

eviltwin wrote: »

Oh god that's awful:( I'm so sorry for your loss

Not my loss. I didn’t know the people. They were my mothers friends and her loss

Gregor Samsa · 15-11-2020 11:12am

Very sorry for your loss, DEFTLEFTHAND. It’s tough when the memories hit you.

Got word yesterday that a former co-worker died, age 41. Last time I spoke to him was in January, when he came into our new office to say hello and see the place. He was in great form. He’d left our place late last year, got a new job with a big promotion, had fairly recently moved into a nice new house. He was looking fit and healthy and seemed genuinely happy and relaxed (his job with us was very stressful). Turns out he was diagnosed with cancer in March, and now he’s gone. I wasn’t best friends with him or anything, but it’s really knocked me - and the rest of my colleagues - for six.

15-11-2020 11:16am

My father four days before he passed in late August. After that the agony was so intense the morphine pump was attached. His last bit of independence stripped away, he repeatedly wanted to know where the catheter bag and emergency button was. "I never knew it would be this difficult" were the last words I recall. After I said goodbye for the day (safely assuming we would speak again), I remember looking back through the door window for a moment and his whole demeanour had become incredibly rigid. He had put on one final show of defiance and didn't want us to know how severe things were. That was the last time I saw him conscious.

eviltwin · 15-11-2020 11:19am

I lost a friend in June. He was meant to get married in March but with Covid that was postponed. We had a zoom catch up about a week or so before he died and I honestly can't remember what was said. Probably just the usual crap. I'm more gutted that we missed out on one last group reunion, everyone was going to be going to his wedding and now any get together will always be one person short

eviltwin · 15-11-2020 11:20am

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Not my loss. I didn’t know the people. They were my mothers friends and her loss

Sorry I read that as your mother passed away too. How awful for her to lose her friends.

Gervais08 · 15-11-2020 11:24am

eviltwin wrote: »

I lost a friend in June. He was meant to get married in March but with Covid that was postponed. We had a zoom catch up about a week or so before he died and I honestly can't remember what was said. Probably just the usual crap. I'm more gutted that we missed out on one last group reunion, everyone was going to be going to his wedding and now any get together will always be one person short

One of our group of friends who travelled for the football died in August, we’d not seen each other as a group since March - and not knowing when we will again.

It’s that distance that is hard.

15-11-2020 11:35am

When my dad died he was in hospital and had been through a lot - aggressive cancer treatments, sepsis and a long stay in a coma in intensive care. Somehow he rallied and eventually was moved onto a regular ward in a the hospital. I would visit every evening on the way home from work and stay for about an hour. The night before he died as I was leaving he asked if I would stay longer, sort of a Mrs. Doyle type 'ah go on go on you'll stay another while' thing. I laughed and said sure I'll see you tomorrow! He died the next day, just as I arrived to the ward and although I was there when he died he wasn't awake. I do wish I had stayed a bit longer that night, tearing up typing this now.

Gregor Samsa · 15-11-2020 11:43am

My dad died in May, in a nursing home in Kildare that got absolutely ravaged by Covid 19.

Last time I saw him in person was in February, I brought the kids to see him a few times that month. He had dementia, and was frail, but he was still getting around and had sparks of his old self. I live on the other side of the country, so I used to see him every 2 or 3 weeks, but that month was his birthday and I went every weekend. He couldn’t use a phone any more, so calling him wasn’t an option.

After the nursing homes kicked in their own lockdown in March, I didn’t get to see him. Sometime in early May, I managed to get the staff to find his phone (he had hidden it) and charge it up. They put him on speaker and me, my wife and my kids managed to have a 5 minute chat with him. He put such an effort into talking to us and being interested in what the kids were saying. But then he just ran out of steam. The next week, he was diagnosed with Covid 19, and the staff shortages were such that they couldn’t spare the time for another call, but I was getting daily updates and he was doing fine.

Next thing, he took a turn for the worse, and they called us in to see him. Myself and my brother had to get decked up in full PPE, and we were told the longer we stayed in the room with him, the bigger the risk was to us. We went to see him. He was half conscious and on drugs to make him comfortable. His breathing was awful.

We spoke to him. I doubt he could hear us. We could only touch him with gloved hands. Couldn’t hug him or kiss his forehead. We left, and that’s the last time I saw him. For the funeral, we couldn’t even enter the funeral home, let alone see him laid out. We had to watch the coffin being loaded into the hearse from an adjacent car park over a wall. 8 of us at his funeral.

81 years of being a son and brother and friend and husband and dad and grandad and neighbour and coworker to die alone, confused, helpless, isolated and silent.

Gervais08 · 15-11-2020 12:30pm

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

My dad died in May, in a nursing home in Kildare that got absolutely ravaged by Covid 19.

Last time I saw him in person was in February, I brought the kids to see him a few times that month. He had dementia, and was frail, but he was still getting around and had sparks of his old self. I live on the other side of the country, so I used to see him every 2 or 3 weeks, but that month was his birthday and I went every weekend. He couldn’t use a phone any more, so calling him wasn’t an option.

After the nursing homes kicked in their own lockdown in March, I didn’t get to see him. Sometime in early May, I managed to get the staff to find his phone (he had hidden it) and charge it up. They put him on speaker and me, my wife and my kids managed to have a 5 minute chat with him. He put such an effort into talking to us and being interested in what the kids were saying. But then he just ran out of steam. The next week, he was diagnosed with Covid 19, and the staff shortages were such that they couldn’t spare the time for another call, but I was getting daily updates and he was doing fine.

Next thing, he took a turn for the worse, and they called us in to see him. Myself and my brother had to get decked up in full PPE, and we were told the longer we stayed in the room with him, the bigger the risk was to us. We went to see him. He was half conscious and on drugs to make him comfortable. His breathing was awful.

We spoke to him. I doubt he could hear us. We could only touch him with gloved hands. Couldn’t hug him or kiss his forehead. We left, and that’s the last time I saw him. For the funeral, we couldn’t even enter the funeral home, let alone see him laid out. We had to watch the coffin being loaded into the hearse from an adjacent car park over a wall. 8 of us at his funeral.

81 years of being a son and brother and friend and husband and dad and grandad and neighbour and coworker to die alone, confused, helpless, isolated and silent.

Other than the location of the nursing home and my dad a year older, that’s my story too.

I’m just glad there was a lull in cases and I got to visit him - admittedly through a window.

My heart breaks for you.

el Fenomeno · 15-11-2020 12:32pm

This is a heavy hitting thread. Genuine lump in my throat reading some of these posts

I'm going to get off the toilet now and finish reading it somewhere more appropriate and dignified.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 15-11-2020 12:51pm

The thing which crucifies me is that I could have sorted my brother Daragh's problem that night. He was too proud to talk, money is not an object to me, I would have given over my life savings to still have him here.

My Mum and Dad are absolutely broken. We'll never get over it as a family.

Professor Moriarty · 15-11-2020 12:57pm

My mother rang me while I was at work. I was to busy to talk so I told her I'd ring her after work. I forgot to ring her. She died suddenly at 8.25 that evening.

razorblunt · 15-11-2020 12:58pm

My mother was diagnosed with cancer in March (years ago, not this year) and it really hit hard in November time.
I can't recall the final chat itself (though I do wish I had taken one of the more lucid moments to chat properly) but there were two things that stand out even now:

1. coming back from the vending machine when I was with her and I thought she was in a deep sleep, she woke as I was opening the packet and said "g'wan I'll have one of those", I protested she shouldn't and she said "you're not going to tell on me, I'm not going to say anything sure they can't kick me out. She ate half the packet as we just sat there chatting shíte before she dozed off again

2. Going to see after work near the very end and falling asleep for 40 winks next to her on the chair. It was one of the most peaceful, serene sleeps I've had, I'm not a believer in anything spirtitual, maybe it was just my own mind reassuring myself but I had a strange sense of calm.

15-11-2020 1:03pm

Spoke to an uncle of mine,lived next door to us growing up,who was dying of terminal illness and coming near the end

He had kind of accepted it,told me the practical plans about his grave etc he had put in place....but most of all,he was hating missing out on seeing us all move onto next stage of life and missing out on meeting his grandkids etc

eviltwin · 15-11-2020 1:04pm

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

The thing which crucifies me is that I could have sorted my brother Daragh's problem that night. He was too proud to talk, money is not an object to me, I would have given over my life savings to still have him here.

My Mum and Dad are absolutely broken. We'll never get over it as a family.

Deft I'm so sorry, I wish there was something comforting I could say. I'm thinking of you, your parents and Daragh.

Gregor Samsa · 15-11-2020 1:40pm

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

The thing which crucifies me is that I could have sorted my brother Daragh's problem that night. He was too proud to talk, money is not an object to me, I would have given over my life savings to still have him here.

My Mum and Dad are absolutely broken. We'll never get over it as a family.

There’s some problems that are easy to solve in hindsight, but impossible to solve when they’re happening. It’s perfectly natural to dwell on the what ifs and if onlys now, but it’s my sincere hope that time eases your burden. Darragh will never be forgotten by you and your family, and there will always be an unfillable hole, but someday the good memories will outshine the bad ones. Take care.

completedit · 15-11-2020 1:47pm

I'm very sorry for the loss of your bro.

The last thing my dad said to me was 'I love you buds, see you around'.

COVID · 15-11-2020 2:11pm

el Fenomeno wrote: »

This is a heavy hitting thread. Genuine lump in my throat reading some of these posts

I'm going to get off the toilet now and finish reading it somewhere more appropriate and dignified.

I'm not sure we needed to know you were on the toilet in the first place.
Hope it all went ok anyway.

ofcork · 15-11-2020 2:15pm

Father 2 days before he died from cancer was sedated for the last couple of days was a bit all over the place but had some lucid moments too.

HildaOgdenx · 15-11-2020 2:31pm

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

The thing which crucifies me is that I could have sorted my brother Daragh's problem that night. He was too proud to talk, money is not an object to me, I would have given over my life savings to still have him here.

My Mum and Dad are absolutely broken. We'll never get over it as a family.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

And to all of you who have shared your stories, my sincere condolences also.

John45 · 15-11-2020 2:40pm

My very elderly mam died tragically. Something I could have prevented but there was a row in the family and i didn't get it done. She was on her own. Still cant look at her photo or talk about it4 years on

15-11-2020 2:48pm

I met a good friend of mine in town. He was rushing one way and I was rushing the other way but he called after me and I turned around and he was looking over his shoulder at me with a cheeky face and he said "I have something to tell you, ok?" He died suddenly, not long afterwards and all these years later I still find myself wondering what it was he wanted to tell me.

I am so sorry for your loss DEFTLEFTHAND.

irishguitarlad · 15-11-2020 3:02pm

My grandmother the Christmas before she died the following May. She said to me as I was heading off to Spain again " I suppose this will be the last time I see you" as she had been sick. She was right next thing I saw when I went home was the July afterwards was a gravestone. That's the worst thing about living abroad, funerals are a great way to come to terms with things, coming home to see a gravestone leaves you with an awful sadness.

Gregor Samsa · 15-11-2020 3:14pm

Last one from me. My mother was in hospital with cancer 12 years ago. Myself and my wife were expecting our first child - her first grandchild, and my wife had her first scan. We lived in the other side of the country and only saw her at weekends. We thought she had a good 6 months left. I phoned her as soon as we got out of the doors of the hospital to tell her. I remember the conversation vividly - she was so happy to hear the news and about the scan, and I said I’d see her on Saturday and show her the print out.

Two days later I got a call at 4 in the morning to say she had taken a bad turn. Got to her at 9, and was there to hold her hand when she passed away at 12. I brought the baby scan with me, but by the time I got there she couldn’t talk or see. That very short phone conversation was the bridge between my old life as a son, and my new life as a father.

.anon. · 15-11-2020 6:47pm

I'm very sorry for your loss, DEFTLEFTHAND.

This thread is a hard read. I don't remember the last thing I said to my mother, or the last thing she said to me. The last time I saw her conscious was two days before she died. She had slept solidly for the previous few days, so I arrived at the hospice that morning expecting the same. When I walked into the room, her bed was empty and the double doors were open, leading out onto a nice decking area. It was an unseasonably warm and sunny day and she was sitting in a chair, wide awake, eating ice cream. As soon as she saw me, she became extremely upset and started telling me that everything was going to be ok, and that she was sorry for "all of this" ("this" being her illness) and for being so difficult to look after over the previous year (tbf, she was very difficult to look after, because she hated being looked after).

It felt like a last moment of clarity amid the fog that had engulfed her over the previous months as the cancer spread to her brain. Anyway, we settled her down, put her back to bed and that turned out to be the last time I saw her awake. She fell into a very deep sleep and died two days later.

NSAman · 15-11-2020 6:54pm

My dad, I was working abroad when I got a call from my brother to come home. I spent the next two hours trying to get flights.

Managed to get on the flights... arrived in Dublin, got a speeding ticket getting to the hospital. He opened his eyes when I walked in the room and I said “dad I’m here now, I love you”..he closed his eyes and that was the last time he woke up.

He always wanted his whole family around him and we were. Still hurts that I didn’t have more time with him.

Gael23 · 15-11-2020 6:55pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

My mother back in the day was supposed to go to a dance with 4 of her friends but for whatever reason she went with somebody else. She said she was talking to them as they drove off. Minutes later the 4 were killed in a head on collision

Not sure how you forgive yourself after something like that

Foweva Awone · 15-11-2020 7:01pm

Gael23 wrote: »

Not sure how you forgive yourself after something like that

What's to forgive?

That she didn't have some psychic premonition that the accident was gonna happen, so that she could warn her friends?

COVID · 15-11-2020 7:06pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

My mother back in the day was supposed to go to a dance with 4 of her friends but for whatever reason she went with somebody else. She said she was talking to them as they drove off. Minutes later the 4 were killed in a head on collision

Gael23 wrote: »

Not sure how you forgive yourself after something like that

I'm sure you're being sympathetic, but I'm not sure that 'forgive' is the right word here.

Gael23 · 15-11-2020 7:07pm

Foweva Awone wrote: »

What's to forgive? That she didn't have some psychic premonition that the accident was gonna happen, so that she could warn her friends?

The what ifs that race through your head

ChikiChiki · 15-11-2020 7:13pm

Sorry for your loss OP.

On the day my father passed, I said "good luck, I'll see you later" as I headed off to do some shopping with the gf at the time. Vivedly remember the back of his head on the couch watching the racing.

Seemed in good form and had got the hair cut and cut the grass that morning. Honestly, nothing really seemed out of the ordinary until I got a phone call some hours later off the brother. Only wished I stayed and chatted :-(

kippy · 15-11-2020 7:24pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

When my dad died he was in hospital and had been through a lot - aggressive cancer treatments, sepsis and a long stay in a coma in intensive care. Somehow he rallied and eventually was moved onto a regular ward in a the hospital. I would visit every evening on the way home from work and stay for about an hour. The night before he died as I was leaving he asked if I would stay longer, sort of a Mrs. Doyle type 'ah go on go on you'll stay another while' thing. I laughed and said sure I'll see you tomorrow! He died the next day, just as I arrived to the ward and although I was there when he died he wasn't awake. I do wish I had stayed a bit longer that night, tearing up typing this now.

So sorry for your loss and all those on here. Losses are unfortunately a part of life that is so difficult to deal with.
My own father passed away in silimiar circumstances. He ended up in ICU in a induced coma for over a week. He came through it and was up talking for a few days. Was with him a Wednesday night for an hour or so and he told me to get going to get back to the family. It was the last I spoke with him as he had a turn and went back into a coma, died that Sunday in his early 70's.
He had a relatively good life, worked hard, was very selfless and did as much as he could for his family. Miss him dearly as does my whole family.
You never know when you will speak to a person for the last time.

Hyperbollix · 15-11-2020 7:39pm

My Dad passed away last year, almost one year after his diagnosis. He took a turn one day at home and his GP said to get some tests done in hospital, while giving me a very serious look. I had done the research on the ailment and knew he was in an advanced stage and more than likely this was the last hurrah, he wouldn't be coming home with us. I'll never forget the lump in my throat and trying to fight back the tears, on the journey to the A&E.

He lasted three days and passed away in his sleep during the night. I remember sitting by his bed that last evening, reading the paper to him and playing an episode of Tommy Tiernan's chatshow for him on my phone. He laughed heartily. Or as heartily as he could with the bloody oxegen mask. I wanted to tell him how great a Dad he was, how grateful I was for all the support and love I always got. How we never really had an angry word between us. All the usual stuff you think you're going to say. I couldn't do it. It felt better to see him smile and laugh. And I think and hope he knew all that anyway.

15-11-2020 7:50pm

I lost my mother in April. The last time I spoke to her was via Facetime, as she was a nursing home resident and we weren't allowed visit. She was very confused and didn't understand how the screen worked, or were to look, or speak. The last words I said to her were "We love you, we'll come see you as soon as we can, okay? Don't worry."

I lost one of my friends in September. 37 years of age, she had a sudden aneuryism. The last time we spoke was via a Zoom chat (she was living in the US) and she said, "I have to go, the baby is awake. Talk soon!" She died a couple of hours later. I found out when her brother contacted me a few days later. I'd been wondering why she wasn't replying to messages.

You truly never know the hour, the minute, or the day.

Wayne Jarvis · 15-11-2020 7:53pm

It's not far off a year since my close friend died. She was going through hard times and I was in near constant contact with her. I spoke to her the night before and told her I would talk to her tomorrow. I was very busy in work that day but still texted and rang a couple of times and tried more when I got home. I got word the following day that she had taken her own life. Devastating, I still think about her everyday and I still wish I did more for her.

Sorry for your loss DEFT.

Galwayguy35 · 15-11-2020 7:58pm

similar to what others have experienced, laughing and joking with my Mam one Saturday at dinner time and an hour later she passed away from a heart attack.

harry Bailey esq · 15-11-2020 8:05pm

Sorry for your loss op. I was chatting away to a friend of sorts outside a supermarket in Balbriggan, Tues last I think. Found out Thursday morning he passed away. A bit of a 'charachter' by all accounts but himself and his little dog Jimmy were beloved by all in the community. The condolences section of rip.ie reflects that. Rest easy Ed.

SafeSurfer · 15-11-2020 8:16pm

Very sorry for your loss OP and for all who have shared your stories.

Death of a loved one is the most difficult experience we face in life. I have lost 2 family members, both suddenly, both conversations mundane, everyday, ordinary. In a way I imagine waiting for a loved one to die is even more difficult than sudden death. There is nothing profound that I can imagine telling my loved ones had I known they were going to die other than that I loved them.

To those who lost loved ones during the Covid restrictions I can’t imagine how difficult that has been.

A quote from Don Quoixte seems appropriate.

“ There were no embraces, because where there is great love there is often little display of it.”

banie01 · 15-11-2020 8:30pm

Sorry for your loss OP.

A couple spring to mind.

My Granda, he was battling lung cancer and I was living abroad. Had said a couple of times in passing that I was coming home, that I wanted to be sure he was looking after himself. About a month before he died I was home for a funeral and saw him.
He looked awful, and I realised I was losing my Granda.
I had decided I was moving home asap just to get some more time with him.
He pulled me aside and told me that

"death is always hard, it's hard because we remember what we lost without ever taking the time to treasure what we had. Some day you'll learn the difference and be happier for it."

I went back abroad, started winding things up to get home, 4 weeks later my mam rang to say he'd taken a turn to get home if I could to say goodbye.
I couldnt get a direct flight.
He died while I was to transfer flights in Madrid.

My 1st wife, saying the

"taxi is on the way"

then collapsing.
Neither of us drove then and we were heading out for a Saturday in town with the boy and to do some shopping.
She never regained consciousness.
Rug totally pulled from under me, my hopes and dreams gone and me left holding the baby...
Well I say baby, He was 3.
I spent an awful long time angry at world before the advice my grandad gave me 5yrs earlier broke through.

I hope everyone on this thread is doing ok.
If ye need it?
Feel free to borrow my grandads's advice.

Stihl waters · 15-11-2020 8:42pm

I did a job in the early summer for a neighbour that I only got to know in last couple of years, at the end of the day we sat down in the sunshine drinking a couple of cans and he told me he'd had a cough with a while but he wasn't worried as the doctor had told him all his tests had come back clear but was sending him for further tests just to be sure, he was the most sociable friendly man I've ever met, we sat in the sun and had a couple more beers and that's the last time I spoke to him, RIP j, I only wished I knew you longer

Gervais08 · 15-11-2020 9:11pm

I believe my parents are reunited in heaven but I would never push my religious beliefs on to anyone else.

I will share something I read when my mum passed nearly 30 years ago - it’s a Native American proverb that says “no one dies when their body dies, they only die when they are forgotten by the last person who loved them”.

I like that.

Cee-Jay-Cee · 15-11-2020 9:30pm

My dad died of cancer 20 years ago. We were lucky that he was at home with us and wasn’t in pain or on medication. He spent his last week more or less asleep. The first few days he’d wake every so often and we’d ask him if he wanted a drink or anything and we’d give him a sip of water or juice. On his last day, we sort of knew he hadn’t long as his breathing became noisy and he wasn’t waking but at 4pm that Friday his breathing softened and he woke and sat up and looked around, we were all there including his brothers and sisters and we all said goodbye. I said ‘See ya Dad, I love you’ He lay back down, closed his eyes and was gone.

The last time you spoke to somebody before their death.

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