The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 10:49pm

My neighbour is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most concussions.

He lives very close to me.

In fact, only a stone’s throw away

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 10:51pm

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain.

And the tattoo parlour wasn’t there............. :eek:

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 10:54pm

A Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, 'Awe that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, just switching the central heating aff while I'm oot.'

Capt'n Midnight · 07-09-2017 11:01pm

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

byrner88 · 08-09-2017 2:39am

I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. My wife was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said.

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right here I am stuck in the Lidl with you."

08-09-2017 8:27pm

byrner88 wrote: »

I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. My wife was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said.

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right here I am stuck in the Lidl with you."

just told the wife that one, she didn't get it as we shop in Aldi! :pac:

K.Flyer · 09-09-2017 2:01am

byrner88 wrote: »

I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. My wife was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said.

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right here I am stuck in the Lidl with you."

[Deleted User] wrote: »

just told the wife that one, she didn't get it as we shop in Aldi! :pac:

.... jokers to the right, I'm stuck in the Aldi with you..

Nah, not surprised, Aldi doesn't sound as well as Lidl does. :pac:

MonkieSocks · 10-09-2017 8:05pm

Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying some coffee and having a smoke.

They were having a great time talking and enjoying the sun, when suddenly, it started to rain.

A few seconds later, it was absolutely pouring down, but one of the ladies calmly opened her purse and started rummaging through it.

Mary slowly pulled a condom out of the purse, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking without a care in the world.

Susan looked at her in surprise and asked, “Whats that?”

Mary replied, “A condom, of course. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Susan exclaimed, “That’s ingenious! But where did you get the condom?”

Mary replied, “Oh, you can get them in any drugstore these days.”

The next day, Susan hobbled herself to the local drugstore, parked her walker by the entrance and went in.

She started looking around for a bit, but didn’t find what she was looking for.

She walked up to the cashier and announced to him that she wanted a 12-pack of condoms.

The young cashier seemed quite surprised at hearing this coming from an 81 year old lady.

A bit embarrassed, he stuttered, “A-alright ma’am. Which brand of condoms do you prefer?”

Susan shrugged and replied, “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits over a Camel.”

Comer1 · 10-09-2017 8:39pm

A friend of mine had a dog with no legs, he called him Woodbine

He used to take him for a drag every day.

7 Seconds... · 10-09-2017 9:51pm

I'm really good in bed. I can sleep for more than 9 hours at a time.

7 Seconds... · 10-09-2017 9:54pm

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

byrner88 · 11-09-2017 12:05am

I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today, the car won't start."

"What about the bus?" he asked.

I said, "I haven't got a bus."

the_pen_turner · 11-09-2017 12:13am

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any
activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow. He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee..

Loafing Oaf · 11-09-2017 12:19am

TheChevron · 11-09-2017 1:06pm

The CEO of Dulux Paints has sadly died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antartic.

Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.

branie2 · 11-09-2017 2:42pm

What is the best form of factory you can have?
A satisfactory

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2017 9:50pm

In the south Pacific yesterday a ship carrying red paint collided with one carrying blue paint.

The survivors were marooned.

Did you hear about the ship carrying yo-yos ?

It sank 537 times. :pac:

11-09-2017 10:06pm

Deleted User wrote: »

just told the wife that one, she didn't get it as we shop in Aldi! :pac:

Confused.

Why would you withhold sexual favours just because she shops in Aldi?

glynf · 11-09-2017 11:37pm

Went to a nightclub last night. They played jump and I jumped, they played the twist and I twisted. Next they played come on Eileen, the bastards threw me out.

byrner88 · 12-09-2017 12:06am

I hurt my back the other day.
I was playing piggy back with my 4 year old
nephew, and I fell off.

gitzy16v · 12-09-2017 12:12am

Who are Beyonce's favorite Emmerdale characters?
All the Dingle ladies.

M.T. Cranium · 12-09-2017 4:49am

Hitler, Mussolini and Admiral Tojo of Japan were meeting to plan out how they would take over the world.

Hitler said, "I'll take care of the Soviet Union."

Tojo said, "we'll take care of the United States."

There was a moment of silence, then Hitler said, "so Benito, what will you do?"

"Oh, I imagine I'll just hang around."

Suckit · 12-09-2017 3:01pm

I asked the Baker "How come all of your cakes are 50c except for that one for €1?"

He replied "That's Madeira cake."

12-09-2017 6:53pm

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...
It only made it more sluggish

7 Seconds... · 12-09-2017 7:00pm

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

7 Seconds... · 12-09-2017 7:05pm

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

7 Seconds... · 12-09-2017 7:15pm

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: "Oh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing up alone..."

beefburrito · 12-09-2017 7:17pm

What does a pelican,heron and ostrich have in common with the revenue ?

They can all stick their bills up their arse......

byrner88 · 13-09-2017 12:09am

Me and our lass walked past a swanky new restaurant in town last night.
"did you smell that food,it smelt incredible" she said.
Being the nice guy that I am,I thought, **** it I'll treat her... So we walked past it again!!!

the_pen_turner · 13-09-2017 9:11pm

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning. He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

chewed · 14-09-2017 4:17pm

A courier asked me for the time.

I told him it was some time between 9am and 8pm.

14-09-2017 4:50pm

On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman.
"The trouble with you Brit’s is that you’re stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that? ”
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother".

the_pen_turner · 14-09-2017 5:10pm

A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbours for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.
Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m. the next morning. They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down." Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.
Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down," and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river.
As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down."
"Down," the woman replied.
A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down," the man asked.
"Up," the woman said.
"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said "fcuk or Drown!'"

Capt'n Midnight · 14-09-2017 10:06pm

If you should ever want to know your Dolphin name, just lick your finger then rub a balloon

Riddle101 · 16-09-2017 4:42am

An elderly man tells his grandson "your generation relies too much on technology" the grandson replied "not as much as yours" as he unplugged his grandfather's life support.

TheBody · 16-09-2017 7:15am

I just lost a €10 bet at my local because I couldn't think of a palindrome.

Dammit Im mad.

Capt'n Midnight · 17-09-2017 12:07pm

The Goal: Reduce UK binge drinking by half.

The Plan: Scottish independence

Capt'n Midnight · 17-09-2017 12:10pm

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless.

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

MonkieSocks · 17-09-2017 4:26pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless.

Would you throw you're hat in the ring with him?

flutered · 17-09-2017 6:23pm

>
> A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
>
> "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
>
> The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts."
>
> The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"
>
> "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
>
>
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17-09-2017 6:25pm

flutered wrote: »

forgive me if this has been posted before
file:///C:/Users/repair/Desktop/C-0mSOwW0AA38Rs%20for%20bill.jpg

We don't have remote access to your PC.... :P

blueser · 17-09-2017 6:34pm

flutered wrote: »

forgive me if this has been posted before
file:///C:/Users/repair/Desktop/C-0mSOwW0AA38Rs%20for%20bill.jpg

branie2 · 17-09-2017 6:36pm

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before

flutered · 17-09-2017 6:41pm

not politically correct, pleas remove if it causes offence

Muslim Bookstore

So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the evil eye, but asked if he could help me.

I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!”

I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

flutered · 17-09-2017 6:43pm

blueser wrote: »

thought i had it deleated

flutered · 17-09-2017 6:44pm

Deleted User wrote: »

We don't have remote access to your PC.... :P

thank fkuc for that

flutered · 17-09-2017 6:57pm

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?

"Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband -

"I love you, Sweetheart"

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies...

If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Are you having an affair?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us...isn't she?

17-09-2017 7:19pm

flutered wrote: »

thank fkuc for that

well.... didn't have :pac:

branie2 · 17-09-2017 7:25pm

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

If it walked, it would be mugged

Capt'n Midnight · 18-09-2017 6:28pm

My son and I were having a kickabout at the park.

I accidentally tripped him and he fell to the ground clutching his knee, crying and wailing like a little girl.

Anyway, a Liverpool scout saw the whole thing and signed him on the spot.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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