Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

didntgotoplan · 08-05-2015 9:33pm #1

My sister is getting married next year and there is 8 siblings between both families, including myself.

My sister recently announced during a family dinner that every sibling, except me, will be in the bridal party. Except my sister wants me to plan all the stuff a MOH does so I can "be involved in the wedding" because her MOH (the future sister in law) is living abroad.

My mom is very upset over me not being in the bridal party but I don't really care about not being part of it - I'm awkward and like to blend in with the crowd. However I want to refuse to help her because I don't want to do all of that hassle for nothing (i.e. she is treating all her bridal party to everything being paid for them)

My sister used to be a really good friend and we used to do everything together but since she began having children, I get the feeling that she feels ashamed of me being her sister. We stopped hanging out and talking every day but she always comes around to mine when its one of their family's birthdays or another holiday with gifts. I always get the feeling she uses me and whenever I refuse to babysit her children or something like that, I'm ignored for months on end until someone else in our family annoys her and she needs my help. She even blocked me from seeing my niece and nephew when she ignores me. At this moment, I'm being ignored by her except during family gatherings.

Am I right to refuse her or should I just help her this once since it's her day?

mountai · 08-05-2015 9:39pm

Fcuk the B***h

CaraMay · 08-05-2015 9:55pm

No, don't let her use you. She made her bed now let her lie in it.

rainbowtrout · 08-05-2015 9:56pm

Your sister sounds like a right wagon. Leave her to organise her own wedding. That's what her bridal party are for.

zl1whqvjs75cdy · 08-05-2015 9:58pm

**** her.

Faith · 08-05-2015 10:05pm

What's her rationale for leaving you out? Awareness of you being awkward and worrying that you might not be comfortable being in the bridal party, or is she just being a thoughtless/cruel bitch?

MrWalsh · 08-05-2015 10:13pm

What's an MOH?

CaraMay · 08-05-2015 10:15pm

MrWalsh wrote: »

What's an MOH?

Maid of honour

MrWalsh · 08-05-2015 10:20pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Maid of honour

What does a maid of honour plan?

Just tell her to feck off and plan her own stuff?

CaraMay · 08-05-2015 10:27pm

MrWalsh wrote: »

What does a maid of honour plan?

God only knows.

acuriouscat · 08-05-2015 10:27pm

Do not help her,how dare she leave one family member out,that's bad form,let her find another skivvy !

retro:electro · 08-05-2015 10:30pm

Just be like "I'd rather not have the responsibility of doing that thanks, why don't you ask one of the other seven?"
She sounds like a pain.

Oryx · 08-05-2015 10:32pm

Good god no. Shes using you. Let her go find another donkey to do her donkey work.

2Mad2BeMad · 08-05-2015 10:35pm

she singles you out? really? don't even consider helping her.

Unless of course the bridal party has only a certain amount aloud in it (tradition of you're family or something) and you happen to be the youngest well then maybe thats fair in some cases if shes real traditional, but this doesnt seem the case
and I'm no expert but shes not only fallen out with you, she seems to be treating you like a dog.

Tell her you won't help, theirs nothing worse then family turning their back on you or treating you like ****e.
Treat her the same way, wedding or not, shes not a fu*king princess and can't treat you that way.

Oh sure you help her sort out the entire wedding, but at the end it goes back to normal.
By the sounds of it, you'd be lucky to get a thanks for you're help.

Don't bother, I wouldn't even attend the wedding if one of my family members done that to me. I'd be more inclined to give them a box for thinking I'm a fool who wants to run around after them while they left me out of such an occasion.

littlenubbin85 · 08-05-2015 10:36pm

You have absolutely no obligation to help her out if you're not a member of the bridal party.

groovyg · 08-05-2015 10:57pm

didntgotoplan wrote: »

At this moment, I'm being ignored by her except during family gatherings.

Am I right to refuse her or should I just help her this once since it's her day?

So she is going to have 7 in her bridal party as it is, why does she need a maid of honour?
You should politely decline, and just go along and enjoy the day if you are still invited. As for her not allowing you to see the niece and nephew well that's not your fault they are the ones missing out as a result of her selfish behaviour. She comes across as very self absorbed. Don't be a walkover ..stand up for yourself.

Wabbit Ears · 08-05-2015 11:18pm

I 'd just nod and agree but simply do nothing. Don't be proactive with anything and if asked to do something specific just do it really badly so you don't get asked to do it again. You know,act like a bloke.

It really is a win win. Being useless so you don't really have to actually do anything while avoiding a fight you can't be arsed having.

gavdolfini · 08-05-2015 11:40pm

Snakey c*nt...

didntgotoplan · 09-05-2015 12:50am

Sorry if it seems like a stupid question guys and I just worry that she will exclude me even more if I say no. Its also because my other sister got married and she didn't have any bridal party and I helped her with a lot of things in the planning as I quite enjoyed doing all that for her.

I just think it might be fair to help her as I did it for my other sister.

Faith - I didn't ask as I didn't want to cause drama, but she does gets on with my other sister and brothers more than me at the moment and she kept going on budget restricting the amount of people.

MrWalsh - she wanted me to plan her hen party and be there when she picked out her dress and the bridesmaid dresses, organise different things such as flowers and invitations etc. like I did for my other sister. Not sure if these are normal MOH things though.

2Mad2beMad - I'm the oldest girl in our family, only a year between us, no tradition either. I'm worried if I don't help that I won't be invited and all of our family will be there.

groovyg - Yeah 7 in the party - 2 Girls and 5 Guys.

mg1982 · 09-05-2015 12:57am

After the way she treated you. No fuking way. Wash your hands of her.

Flood · 09-05-2015 1:02am

She is family, help her out its her big day.

Mrs OBumble · 09-05-2015 6:03am

didntgotoplan wrote: »

I just think it might be fair to help her as I did it for my other sister.

I'm worried if I don't help that I won't be invited and all of our family will be there.

If she's really such a bitch that she would not invite you, but invite the rest of the family - when I wouldn't help at all. How's it going to look when you tell your mother "No, I won't be there 'cos <<sisName>> hasn't invited me". It's not you who are going to look bad, provided you're honest about things.

However there's another alternative: help put, but actively do it badly. I have no idea what a MOH organises ... but if it's flowers, choose ugly ones, if it's make-up, choose stuff that doesn't suit her skin tone etc. Now - this does require being quite bitchy yourself (and may backfire), so it's not what I'd recommend. But is an option to keep in mind if you get an opportunity to carry it out. Revenge, as they say, is sweet.

Smartguy · 09-05-2015 6:32am

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

If she's really such a bitch that she would not invite you, but invite the rest of the family - when I wouldn't help at all. How's it going to look when you tell your mother "No, I won't be there 'cos <<sisName>> hasn't invited me". It's not you who are going to look bad, provided you're honest about things.

However there's another alternative: help put, but actively do it badly. I have no idea what a MOH organises ... but if it's flowers, choose ugly ones, if it's make-up, choose stuff that doesn't suit her skin tone etc. Now - this does require being quite bitchy yourself (and may backfire), so it's not what I'd recommend. But is an option to keep in mind if you get an opportunity to carry it out. Revenge, as they say, is sweet.

Actively sabotaging your sisters wedding is scumbag behaviour.
People need to get some perspective here. The op is entitled to be a bit peeved but no more than that.

Heckler · 09-05-2015 6:45am

From your opening post your sister sounds like a right cow. Sometimes people have a brain spasm for some reason after having kids. If you think someone is ashamed of you for any reason they are not worth your time.

CaraMay · 09-05-2015 6:46am

Op she treats you as badly as she does because you let her and if you allow her use you again now then you are just continuing to feed the monster. Does your other sister treat you badly?

Oryx · 09-05-2015 6:48am

I know you say you want to help, and you're a nice person to want to. But I think you already know youre going to be taken for a mug, which is why youre posting here. And the fact that you feel there is a threat of no invitation hanging over you shows how little trust and affection there is between you two sisters. She has stung you before and justifiably you dont want it to happen again.

Have you spoken to anyone else in the family about this? Do you think there is any point being honest with your sister? Telling her you feel lke you are being used and you are hurt at not being part of the bridal party? (All 5 others being included is not 'cutting down a budget' btw)

Faith · 09-05-2015 6:50am

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

If she's really such a bitch that she would not invite you, but invite the rest of the family - when I wouldn't help at all. How's it going to look when you tell your mother "No, I won't be there 'cos <<sisName>> hasn't invited me". It's not you who are going to look bad, provided you're honest about things.

However there's another alternative: help put, but actively do it badly. I have no idea what a MOH organises ... but if it's flowers, choose ugly ones, if it's make-up, choose stuff that doesn't suit her skin tone etc. Now - this does require being quite bitchy yourself (and may backfire), so it's not what I'd recommend. But is an option to keep in mind if you get an opportunity to carry it out. Revenge, as they say, is sweet.

Wow. That's all sorts of fûcked up.

timetogo · 09-05-2015 6:51am

Id just tell them its the job of the bridal party to do the work. She seems to want them to have the benefit of the fun aspects and leave the work to you.
Yes she's your sister but with 7 in the bridal party 1 extra would have made no difference and shows a lack of giving a **** about you.

Penny Tration · 09-05-2015 6:54am

Please op, do NOT deliberately sabotage it.

Do not do these things for her. She's refused to include you in the bridal party and is now trying to use you as a free wedding planner!

If she uninvited you - so what? She is the one who will look bad -"oh I didn't allow Sarah to be here because she wouldn't organise the wedding for me." She'll look like the a cow she is and no doubt your family will be ashamed of her.

Seems like you're only concerned about invites and helping her because you want a relationship with her. I think that you need to accept that she does not want a relationship with you.

Del2005 · 09-05-2015 6:58am

didntgotoplan wrote: »

Sorry if it seems like a stupid question guys and I just worry that she will exclude me even more if I say no. Its also because my other sister got married and she didn't have any bridal party and I helped her with a lot of things in the planning as I quite enjoyed doing all that for her.

I just think it might be fair to help her as I did it for my other sister.

Sounds like you want to help her out so work away, but make sure she knows that this is your wedding gift to her and that's all she'll be getting from you her wedding as she expects you to do all the donkey work for the bridal party but not get the benefit.

Heckler · 09-05-2015 6:58am

What is it about weddings ?! I have a huge extended family and the usual caper was invite at least all the aunts and uncles. When I got married we just invited immediate family and close friends. Every aunt and uncle sent us very generous gifts despite not being invited.

Occasions like this bring out the worst in people.

Jon Stark · 09-05-2015 7:00am

Faith wrote: »

What's her rationale for leaving you out? Awareness of you being awkward and worrying that you might not be comfortable being in the bridal party, or is she just being a thoughtless/cruel bitch?

Rationale is irrelevant tbh, if she thought the op might not be comfortable she should of just sat her down and say "look I'd love it if you were to do it but I know it's not your thing, so it's to you, no drama either way." It doesn't make sense to drop one sibling without an explanation as wires are bound to be crossed.

Sounds like the op was given no such courtesy so to be frank, the sister can go and do one.

yankinlk · 09-05-2015 7:08am

Heckler wrote: »

Occasions like this bring out the worst in people.

+1

So does this forum.

You are her sister? She asked u to help pick out her dress? U are offended by that?

Seriously ... get a life and be happy. Stop asking strangers on the internet to make decisions for you. All they want is another crazy wedding thread to follow.

didntgotoplan · 09-05-2015 7:38am

Mrs OBumble - I'm not going to sabotage the things she wants me to do, that is just wasting my time and I don't want to give her it to fuel any other drama or fights that comes along. Plus she is my sister, not my enemy just a really spiteful sister.

I think she is ashamed of me as I don't look like the rest of the party - I'm around a size 14/16, they are all 8/10's . I dye my hair odd colours (pink/purple/blue etc.) and they don't (even though I went brunette for my other sisters wedding).

CaraMay - My other sister is not mean to me, but there is a 10 year age gap so we were not really the same generation. We just have completely different interests so never wanted to do things together but we still get on and have a laugh when we do something together. We help each other out if we needed to do so.

Oryx - The soon to be bride has backstabbed me before, she has stolen boyfriends from me and my littlesister (granted not great boyfriends :P), we once went on holiday together as she booked it when she was with one of her ex's and she left with some fella a few days in and I didn't see her until the day we came home despite her promising that its going to be a girly holiday. She is the type to always have had a boyfriend or someone better to move on to and I have shown disapproval for this before.

I've spoke to my parents and they think that I should be upset and outraged. My dad said to go the revenge route while my mom wants to say something to my sister but she is worried my sister will remove access to her grandkids.

Jenny Thalia - I don't want a relationship with my sister, I've stopped trying and make her come to me if there is something she wants - I just don't know why I'm being treated this way and more annoyed about why she is purposely leaving me out when my other siblings have done worse to her. My sister lies, she will probably said to other guests that I refused to get the time off work or I had better things to do etc.

yankinlk - She didn't just ask me to help her pick out her wedding dress, she expects me to plan the visits to the wedding shops and other things that I think the bridal party should do. I wasn't asked, I was told. I'm very happy with my life but this one part of my family is annoying me and I'm not sure what to do. I'm asking strangers on the internet as I don't know anyone from my friends who this happened to and I can't say anything yet to them as the wedding is a surprise. I just need to vent....

CaraMay · 09-05-2015 7:47am

Op you helped your other sister as you knew she would appreciate it. Your parents won't be upset if you don't help her so just don't. She said she told you rather than asked you so just do nothing. She calls you to find out when the appointments are and just say you don't know as it's not your job. She sounds a bit mental to be honest. Don't let yourself be trampled on anymore.

timetogo · 09-05-2015 7:59am

didntgotoplan wrote: »

My sister recently announced during a family dinner that every sibling, except me, will be in the bridal party. Except my sister wants me to plan all the stuff a MOH does so I can "be involved in the wedding" because her MOH (the future sister in law) is living abroad.

http://www.bridalguide.com/etiquette/roles-responsibilities/who-does-what
I'm not suggesting that the above link is a rule but it's a guide.

Shouldn't the maid of honour be a close friend of hers. Is her future sister in law a close friend of hers? It sounds like her other half might be choosing for her. But that's her problem. Doesn't really need to be yours.

As for being told you're going to plan the wedding. To hell with that. If you're close enough for it to be assumed you're going to be doing stuff then you're either close enough to her to be her MOH or youre a skivvy. Yeah her MOH is abroad. She can fall back on number 2 in the bridal party so.

didntgotoplan wrote: »

My sister lies, she will probably said to other guests that I refused to get the time off work or I had better things to do etc.

People aren't that stupid. So what if she lies about you not planning the wedding. Anybody will just ask "but wasn't that the maid of honours job".

Redser87 · 09-05-2015 8:36am

She has plenty of people to help her OP. You don't need to stoop to her level but now might be a good time to learn how to say a polite but assertive NO.

Stinjy · 09-05-2015 9:11am

I don't usually post in here but NO, OP you can see she's using you, don't fall for it just beacuse she's family!
Tell her where to go ( to her bridal party

). And if she removes access to the kids, while it's horrible for you , they're missing out and she'll probably be back... However if all you say is truth it seems like you need to stick up for yourself and let her realise she can't use you like that!

littlenubbin85 · 09-05-2015 9:19am

didntgotoplan wrote: »

she wanted me to plan her hen party and be there when she picked out her dress and the bridesmaid dresses, organise different things such as flowers and invitations etc. like I did for my other sister. Not sure if these are normal MOH things though.

I'm sorry but these are not normal MOH things. The only thing I expect of my MOH is to be happy with the dress she picked, to show up on the day and sign the register. Everything else is an added bonus.

Planning her hen party is her bridesmaids job not yours. If she doesn't have faith in them to do it, then why did she pick them?

This is really unfair of your sister. Organising flowers and invitations is her job not yours.

mayway · 09-05-2015 9:19am

Hold the phone! Are you saying she's planning her wedding but has kids already?? Tell the dismal slapper to get lost. If I were you I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

Tell her, to her face, that she has really hurt you by not including you in the wedding party.

09-05-2015 9:25am

Woah, get out of the dark ages there May. My two daughters are my bridesmaids and I'm no slapper.

I don't think my husband to be would have asked me to marry him if I was either

mayway · 09-05-2015 9:27am

I just read all your posts. The fact that you are concerned that you won't be invited if you don't help out is alarming. The course of action is simple. Firstly, tell her that you are really hurt that you weren't included and, as a result, you will not be attending her selfish pantomime under any circumstance. Secondly, draw a very clear line between what's right and wrong. Tell the rest of your family that what she did was utterly appalling and hurtful to you.

Toots · 09-05-2015 9:31am

mayway wrote: »

Hold the phone! Are you saying she's planning her wedding but has kids already?? Tell the dismal slapper to get lost. If I were you I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

Tell her, to her face, that she has really hurt you by not including you in the wedding party.

mayway if you ever post something like that on this forum again, your posting privileges will be removed permanently.

mayway · 09-05-2015 9:32am

And, by that I mean, you tell everyone that if they choose to attend this charade that you will no longer have anything to do with them. This cow has made a huge problem for you so you should state your position and then let her try and sort it out. Under no circumstance should you let this selfish pile of sh1t away with this. Be strong!

MadDog76 · 09-05-2015 9:49am

Heckler wrote: »

What is it about weddings ?! I have a huge extended family and the usual caper was invite at least all the aunts and uncles. When I got married we just invited immediate family and close friends. Every aunt and uncle sent us very generous gifts despite not being invited.

Occasions like this bring out the worst in people.

What's that got to do with the Op's situation???

mayway · 09-05-2015 10:01am

More fool them. That was selfish.

MadDog76 · 09-05-2015 10:04am

Op you are a Guest of the Wedding, your responsibility ends there ........... show up, bring a gift, have dinner & drinks, a little dance and off to bed ......... done!

jennyhayes123 · 09-05-2015 10:15am

I wouldn't help. I wouldn't cause a fuss and tell her what a user she is being but I wouldn't be used either. When she is planning/arranging these things just say your busy.
If she is not going to think of your feelings why should you worry about hers

martinr5232 · 09-05-2015 10:21am

mayway wrote:

Hold the phone! Are you saying she's planning her wedding but has kids already?? Tell the dismal slapper to get lost. If I were you I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

Maybe they should take the kids off her and send her to the laundry aswell.

tinkerbell · 09-05-2015 10:39am

littlenubbin85 wrote: »

You have absolutely no obligation to help her out if you're not a member of the bridal party.

No, she's under no obligation to help because the bride is being a bitch to her, nothing to do with the fact she's not in a bridal party.

OP, your sister is not your friend and if a person who was not related to you made these demands while treating you like crap, you would tell them to take a hike. Just because she is family, doesn't give her the right to treat you like this and make unreasonable demands. You are not her personal slave and I would refuse to help someone who treated me so poorly. Just tell her no, you're not helping her and tell her why - because she's a self-centred entitled cow!

mayway · 09-05-2015 10:40am

Well I wouldn't go to a wedding like that.

Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

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