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My child is being bullied by a friend
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08-04-2019 10:55am#1Just wondering if anyone has any advice/experience on their child being bullied by a friend? My son is 12 and ive just recently found out that one of his friends is bullying him relentlessly, the child is also 12 and his mother rings every weekend looking for my son to come over. The child tries to exclude my son from activities in school, calls him names, made him watch things that are not appropriate and has physically hurt him. My son has never told us anything but another friend of his has told us all these things and my son confirmed it all when asked. I need to approach the boys mother and tell her as i dont want my son around hers anymore, i cant just avoid as this woman is very pressing in having my child over, any advice greatly appreciated0
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I'm sorry but can't see any other way than just coming out with it, how does your son feel about you speaking to the mother?
I know the danger lies in the other boy taking it out on your son if he is pulled up on this but if he's getting bullied either way then at least it's out in the open,
Be prepared for her denying that her son would "ever do anything like that"0 -
First port of call is the school for me.
To be honest - and i am assuming this is happening, and have no reason to doubt it based on what you said - its disappointing that another friend of his picked up and this and the school hasnt noticed it.
Maybe I am looking for fault where there is none. Nonetheless, I would be straight into the school for strong words with the principal. Bullying is right at the top of the list of what can go wrong in a school, and its happening for your child.
I dont know if I would confront the mother. To be honest, it sounds like you are intimidated by her. Why does she need an explanation? She may on the other hand need an ultimatum. Your son stops bullying my son - end of, sort it out.
There are two places your son will be together with this kid.
(i) at the other kids house. Just shut it down. Sorry he's not going any more, end of.
After a couple of weeks - she will get the message and either confront you or stop asking you.
(ii) at school - if your son is being bullied at school, then the school need to sort it at school and you need to have strong words with the principal.
I'd stress - you are in a tricky situation. Most of us reading it here are giving it two minutes thought, and we might have it wrong. You need to educate and inform yourself, and make a decision that is informed by what is best for your son and nobody else.0 -
First port of call is the school for me.
To be honest - and i am assuming this is happening, and have no reason to doubt it based on what you said - its disappointing that another friend of his picked up and this and the school hasnt noticed it.
Maybe I am looking for fault where there is none. Nonetheless, I would be straight into the school.
I dont know if I would confront the mother. To be honest, it sounds like you are intimidated by her. Why does she need an explanation? She may on the other hand need an ultimatum. Your son stops bullying my son - end of, sort it out.
There are two places your son will be together with this kid.
(i) at the other kids house. Just shut it down. Sorry he's not going any more, end of.
After a couple of weeks - she will get the message and either confront you or stop asking you.
(ii) at school - if your son is being bullied at school, then the school need to sort it at school and you need to have strong words with the principal.
I'd stress - you are in a tricky situation. Most of us reading it here are giving it two minutes thought, and we might have it wrong. You need to educate and inform yourself, and make a decision that is informed by what is best for your son and nobody else.
I just feel that if I was the parent of the other child, I would appreciate it more if he/she came to me first, if they are a reasonable person they should want to sort it out,
There's nothing wrong with going to the school first though!0 -
johnytwentyten wrote: »I just feel that if I was the parent of the other child, I would appreciate it more if he/she came to me first, if they are a reasonable person they should want to sort it out,
There's nothing wrong with going to the school first though!
Well this is the key part.
OP- I'd keep making excuses why your child cant go over.
Maybe ask your child if he wants to go over??
Definitely talk with the school about the bullying. They can keep an eye on it there.
Who does your child play with in school? Is it the person doing the bullying?0 -
1. You will have to speak to the parent.
2. Following on from that ask the school to keep on eye on it.
You do need to take a firmer stand with the other mother.
Quite likely the kid likes having him over to bully/pick on and the mother who I would think is completely oblivious to this interprets this as 'they are great friends'. She may well be mortified if it brought to her attention and has no idea.0 -
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johnytwentyten wrote: »I just feel that if I was the parent of the other child, I would appreciate it more if he/she came to me first, if they are a reasonable person they should want to sort it out,
There's nothing wrong with going to the school first though!
Yes - but
(I) Your child was bullied on their watch - thats not great, is it.....
(II) Your child is being bullied......so why exactly are you empathising with the parent of the other child. Why is that a consideration.....?
(III) It may turn out that the other parent is a "not a reasonable person" - for example may have a very different view on what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. Omens arent great, for example letting them watch inappropriate stuff on the TV.0 -
We had this too aged 12. I would be fairly friendly with the bullies mother. I came straight out with it that my son wouldn't be going to the lads house but her lad could come here were I could keep an eye on them. She was grand about it and I caught her lad in the act. I just said to him you don't go to your friends house to bully them. No one does that. He was mortified. Never stood in our place again. The mother was actually delighted the way I handled him as it was a shock to him to get caught. He couldn't wait to get home though..0
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partyguinness wrote: »1. You will have to speak to the parent.
2. Following on from that ask the school to keep on eye on it.
You do need to take a firmer stand with the other mother.
Quite likely the kid likes having him over to bully/pick on and the mother who I would think is completely oblivious to this interprets this as 'they are great friends'. She may well be mortified if it brought to her attention and has no idea.
I agree, if the mother is mortified by her child's behaviour, then having the school involved as well will only make it harder for her,
You will know from chatting to her about it whether you need to move on to step 2.0 -
Yes - but
(I) Your child was bullied on their watch - thats not great, is it.....
(II) Your child is being bullied......so why exactly are you empathising with the parent of the other child. Why is that a consideration.....?
(III) It may turn out that the other parent is a "not a reasonable person" - for example may have a very different view on what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. Omens arent great, for example letting them watch inappropriate stuff on the TV.
(1) You have no idea where the bullying has gone on. "Strong Words with the principal" is absolutely terrible advice. The OP didn't notice the bullying herself yet your expecting the school principal to know of every possible tension between anything from 40 to 600 pupils? ?
OP - ask the principal or vice principal for a meeting or a phone call and outline your concerns to them firstly and ask if they have noticed anything or have the teachers noticed anything. Try to get as many facts as possible.
(2) Because its entirely possible they may be unaware and would be disgusted by their childs actions - You have heard one side of the story and are taking it as gospel without any clarification. The OP should get this out in the open but being confrontational about it from the get go is wrong on every level.
(3) Again you're saying the other childs parent is "letting them" watch inappropriate stuff - the OP didn't say that. YOU are making it up.
OP I think after talking with the school you then need to speak with the other parent, again in a non confrontational way. Maybe you could ask her to go for a coffee (neutral ground -a large hotel / lobby I'd suggest if practical instead of a smaller cafe but either or). Again ask her to get the facts. She may be defensive, She may be a bitch but at least get it out in the open between yourselves firstly.0 -
Yes - but
(I) Your child was bullied on their watch - thats not great, is it.....
(II) Your child is being bullied......so why exactly are you empathising with the parent of the other child. Why is that a consideration.....?
(III) It may turn out that the other parent is a "not a reasonable person" - for example may have a very different view on what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. Omens arent great, for example letting them watch inappropriate stuff on the TV.
You've jumped to a lot of conclusions here,
it will help to empathise with the mother IF she is a reasonable person (we don't know one way or another),
To the first part, things could very easily happen under anyone's watch, kids are brilliant at hiding things, sure the child himself was able to hide the fact he was being bullied0 -
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BrianBoru00 wrote: »(1) You have no idea where the bullying has gone on. "Strong Words with the principal" is absolutely terrible advice. The OP didn't notice the bullying herself yet your expecting the school principal to know of every possible tension between anything from 40 to 600 pupils? ?
OP - ask the principal or vice principal for a meeting or a phone call and outline your concerns to them firstly and ask if they have noticed anything or have his teacher noticed anything.
(2) Because its entirely possible they may be unaware and would be disgusted by their childs actions - You have heard one side of the story and are taking it as gospel without any clarification. The OP should get this out in the open but being confrontational about it from the get go is wrong on every level.
(3) Again you're saying the other childs parent is "letting them" watch inappropriate stuff - the OP didn't say that. YOU are making it up.
You put that a lot better that I could0 -
I really appriciate the replies, the mother in question i get on quite well with and is a very reasonable person. She has vented her concerns of his behaviour to me in the past so im sure its nothing new to her. To be honest im not a very strong person and im struggling with how i can approach it with her
The inappropriate content that my son was made view by this child was not a scary movie, much worse for a 12 year old
My son is relieved to say the least that this has all came out now and has taken solice in my promise to address it he has strongly said he will not be going to this boys house again
They are finishing school in 7 weeks and he will be goin to a different school well away from this boy in september (secondary school)
I am prepared for the fact their friendship is over and we wont be in touch with them from here on out but does anyone have any ideas on how to say it? Im very concerned about the inappropriate content that my child was forced to view as a losing bet, the other child watched it also and thats at the top of my list to address0 -
BrianBoru00 wrote: »(1) You have no idea where the bullying has gone on. "Strong Words with the principal" is absolutely terrible advice. The OP didn't notice the bullying herself yet your expecting the school principal to know of every possible tension between anything from 40 to 600 pupils? ?
OP - ask the principal or vice principal for a meeting or a phone call and outline your concerns to them firstly and ask if they have noticed anything or have the teachers noticed anything. Try to get as many facts as possible.
(2) Because its entirely possible they may be unaware and would be disgusted by their childs actions - You have heard one side of the story and are taking it as gospel without any clarification. The OP should get this out in the open but being confrontational about it from the get go is wrong on every level.
(3) Again you're saying the other childs parent is "letting them" watch inappropriate stuff - the OP didn't say that. YOU are making it up.
OP I think after talking with the school you then need to speak with the other parent, again in a non confrontational way. Maybe you could ask her to go for a coffee (neutral ground -a large hotel / lobby I'd suggest if practical instead of a smaller cafe but either or). Again ask her to get the facts. She may be defensive, She may be a bitch but at least get it out in the open between yourselves firstly.
First,
OP made it quite clear that the bullying happened at School and in the friends house. Not in OPs house.
For me - if there is bullying in school, the school should be able to pick up on it. Or more specifically, the teacher should. Not always, but I'd be a bit disappointed if it had been going on a while and they had noticed nothing.
I dont expect the principal to have noticed it - I never said that - you implied that I did, and then succesfully argued with reference to numbers against a point I never made.
I expect the teacher to have picked up on it - classrooms arent that big, but I fully accept that mightnt always happen. A lot of it happens on line, in the school yard, outside of school etc.
I would however expect the principal to deal with it, because they are in charge. Hence strong words. What other words would you suggest? Weak words? Conciliatory words.....? Halfhearted words?
How about 'Firm Words' - would that work for you?
Second - i quote the OP = The child tries to exclude my son from activities in school, calls him names, made him watch things that are not appropriate and has physically hurt him.
This happened when the child was on a playdate at the other house, or else on a phone that the other child was given by his parents.
I note also your comment - "Again you're saying the other childs parent is "letting them" watch inappropriate stuff - the OP didn't say that. YOU are making it up".
Either the child is allowed watch this, or is not being appropriately monitored - and at the end of the day whichever it is doesnt change the fact they did watch this stuff.
Third - at no point did I suggest being confrontational to the other parent.
But I would note that from the OP - the other parent appears to be (i) a pushy individual and (ii) someone who is not monitoring whats happening in their own house.
EDIT _ clear enough from last post from OP that other parent is reasonable, and knows their sons behaviour. In which case, absolutely engage with them, if that is something OP is comfortable with.
Fourth - your point - "You have heard one side of the story and are taking it as gospel without any clarification."
It came from a 3rd party, and then from the child himself. That doesnt make it 100% definite - but for me, that is quite a lot to go on. Also, there is a level of detail. Could OPs son and this 3rd party be in cahoots to set up the other kid? Its one or the other, and I dont think the second scenario is likely, but its not impossible either.
As I stated in my original post - we are all giving points of view here. OP needs to decide themselves what the best course of action are.0 -
First,
OP made it quite clear that the bullying happened at School and in the friends house. Not in OPs house.
For me - if there is bullying in school, the school should be able to pick up on it. Or more specifically, the teacher should. Not always, but I'd be a bit disappointed if it had been going on a while and they had noticed nothing.
I dont expect the principal to have noticed it - I never said that - you implied that I did, and then succesfully argued with reference to numbers against a point I never made.
I expect the teacher to have picked up on it - classrooms arent that big, but I fully accept that mightnt always happen. A lot of it happens on line, in the school yard, outside of school etc.
I would however expect the principal to deal with it, because they are in charge. Hence strong words. What other words would you suggest? Weak words? Conciliatory words.....? Halfhearted words?
How about 'Firm Words' - would that work for you?
Second - i quote the OP = The child tries to exclude my son from activities in school, calls him names, made him watch things that are not appropriate and has physically hurt him.
This happened when the child was on a playdate at the other house, or else on a phone that the other child was given by his parents.
I note also your comment - "Again you're saying the other childs parent is "letting them" watch inappropriate stuff - the OP didn't say that. YOU are making it up".
Either the child is allowed watch this, or is not being appropriately monitored - and at the end of the day whichever it is doesnt change the fact they did watch this stuff.
Third - at no point did I suggest being confrontational to the other parent.
But I would note that from the OP - the other parent appears to be (i) a pushy individual and (ii) someone who is not monitoring whats happening in their own house.
EDIT _ clear enough from last post from OP that other parent is reasonable, and knows their sons behaviour. In which case, absolutely engage with them, if that is something OP is comfortable with.
Fourth - your point - "You have heard one side of the story and are taking it as gospel without any clarification."
It came from a 3rd party, and then from the child himself. That doesnt make it 100% definite - but for me, that is quite a lot to go on. Also, there is a level of detail. Could OPs son and this 3rd party be in cahoots to set up the other kid? Its one or the other, and I dont think the second scenario is likely, but its not impossible either.
As I stated in my original post - we are all giving points of view here. OP needs to decide themselves what the best course of action are.
The one question I ask myself is if I was the parent of the bully, would I rather the parent of the bullied child came to me first, or went to the school first?
I think most people would rather if the parent spoke to them directly,
OP, if this parent is aware that their child is capable of this behaviour then you shouldn't worry too much about saying it,
All you have to tell her is the truth, that your son feels uncomfortable around this other boy for the reasons you've stated, and that he would rather not go to his house anymore,
You don't have to add any more than that, you're son's feelings are paramount here at the end of the day0 -
Just to clarify.
When I mentioned the school it was not about getting the school involved as some sort of mediator between the parents. It was more to ask the school keep an eye the interaction between kids to see if this behavior happens in school. This is not a substitute for the parents sitting down together.
The primary course of action is to go to the mother.0 -
When our son was having an issue last year (aged 6) with another kid at school we had no idea. Our son had not said a word.
It was another mother who told us as her son had reported it at home and was quite distressed about it.
The school were aware and watching them but it turns out the bullying kid is an ongoing problem anyway and his parents had been in a few times. The kid definitely has some behavioral issues.
His mother was aware and very embarrassed. Seems to have calmed down now.
Having said that there is a big difference between a 12 year old and a 6 year old but I think the same principles apply.0 -
First,
OP made it quite clear that the bullying happened at School and in the friends house. Not in OPs house.
For me - if there is bullying in school, the school should be able to pick up on it. Or more specifically, the teacher should. Not always, but I'd be a bit disappointed if it had been going on a while and they had noticed nothing.
I dont expect the principal to have noticed it - I never said that - you implied that I did, and then succesfully argued with reference to numbers against a point I never made.
I expect the teacher to have picked up on it - classrooms arent that big, but I fully accept that mightnt always happen. A lot of it happens on line, in the school yard, outside of school etc.
I would however expect the principal to deal with it, because they are in charge. Hence strong words. What other words would you suggest? Weak words? Conciliatory words.....? Halfhearted words?
How about 'Firm Words' - would that work for you?
Second - i quote the OP = The child tries to exclude my son from activities in school, calls him names, made him watch things that are not appropriate and has physically hurt him.
This happened when the child was on a playdate at the other house, or else on a phone that the other child was given by his parents.
I note also your comment - "Again you're saying the other childs parent is "letting them" watch inappropriate stuff - the OP didn't say that. YOU are making it up".
Either the child is allowed watch this, or is not being appropriately monitored - and at the end of the day whichever it is doesnt change the fact they did watch this stuff.
Third - at no point did I suggest being confrontational to the other parent.
But I would note that from the OP - the other parent appears to be (i) a pushy individual and (ii) someone who is not monitoring whats happening in their own house.
EDIT _ clear enough from last post from OP that other parent is reasonable, and knows their sons behaviour. In which case, absolutely engage with them, if that is something OP is comfortable with.
Fourth - your point - "You have heard one side of the story and are taking it as gospel without any clarification."
It came from a 3rd party, and then from the child himself. That doesnt make it 100% definite - but for me, that is quite a lot to go on. Also, there is a level of detail. Could OPs son and this 3rd party be in cahoots to set up the other kid? Its one or the other, and I dont think the second scenario is likely, but its not impossible either.
As I stated in my original post - we are all giving points of view here. OP needs to decide themselves what the best course of action are.
With all due respect you have absolutely no clue on the running and teaching in a school. You quoted a post ending in "There's nothing wrong with going to the school first though!" and replied stating it happened on their watch.
Two students having a falling out is not bullying. Its a consistent and ongoing issue and teachers if they are to notice will generally do so because of a change in demeanour of the child in question. Principals have to deal with accusations regulary and if they are a good principal they won't act based on "Strong Words".
A child being upset because of the actions of another does not automatically mean bullying is taking place either. Unfortunately we live in a litigious society and schools are bound by departmental guidelines on how to deal with accusations (and that is all they are currently from a school point of view) and guidelines for bullying if that is what is happening.
They are also limited in what actions they can take.
If your questioning why the OP is empathising then you're immediately implying a more confrontational approach.0 -
johnytwentyten wrote: »I just feel that if I was the parent of the other child, I would appreciate it more if he/she came to me first, if they are a reasonable person they should want to sort it out,
There's nothing wrong with going to the school first though!
single biggest mistake almost everyone makes about conflict resolution... expecting the counter party to be a reasonable person
she needs no correspondence beyond I've been informed that your son has been bullying mine. Sort it out at your end. My son will not be going over to yours any time soon.0 -
We got a text from the parent of a boy (11) who was in the class below our son (12), she said that our son had been giving her son a hard time,
I found this hard to believe, my son would be very sensitive himself so was surprised but we asked him about this,
he said the younger boy had been following him and his friend around in the playground and that he had become frustrated with this,
He then told this boy he wasn't welcome to hang around with them, and not in a nice way, we took my son to their house, he apologised, and there's never been an issue since,
On another occasion, my son was being bullied by a boy who used to come to our house,
I wanted to go and discuss it with the parents,
My wife decided to invite him over instead(he hadn't been in a long while at that point) and that was enough, nothing was mentioned, being together when there was no one else to impress meant built a relationship, which meant being kinder toward him in the playground0 -
BrianBoru00 wrote: »With all due respect you have absolutely no clue on the running and teaching in a school. You quoted a post ending in "There's nothing wrong with going to the school first though!" and replied stating it happened on their watch.
Two students having a falling out is not bullying. Its a consistent and ongoing issue and teachers if they are to notice will generally do so because of a change in demeanour of the child in question. Principals have to deal with accusations regulary and if they are a good principal they won't act based on "Strong Words".
A child being upset because of the actions of another does not automatically mean bullying is taking place either. Unfortunately we live in a litigious society and schools are bound by departmental guidelines on how to deal with accusations (and that is all they are currently from a school point of view) and guidelines for bullying if that is what is happening.
They are also limited in what actions they can take.
If your questioning why the OP is empathising then you're immediately implying a more confrontational approach.
After opening with the line 'with all due respect', you then go on to be very disrespectful to me, so I didnt read the rest.
I didnt go out to offend anyone in this thread, yet I am being called clueless, told I have 'no idea' and 'gave terrible advice'.
I find it ironic that you and others are being so aggressive in favoring a 'reconciliatory' approach. You dont practice what you preach.
This is OPs thread to work out what she / he wants to do to, so i will bow out.0 -
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No just let your son work this out for himself all part of becoming a man and learning to stand up for himself.
Tell him to fight back otherwise he will be walked over all his life0 -
I really appriciate the replies, the mother in question i get on quite well with and is a very reasonable person. She has vented her concerns of his behaviour to me in the past so im sure its nothing new to her. To be honest im not a very strong person and im struggling with how i can approach it with her
The inappropriate content that my son was made view by this child was not a scary movie, much worse for a 12 year old
My son is relieved to say the least that this has all came out now and has taken solice in my promise to address it he has strongly said he will not be going to this boys house again
They are finishing school in 7 weeks and he will be goin to a different school well away from this boy in september (secondary school)
I am prepared for the fact their friendship is over and we wont be in touch with them from here on out but does anyone have any ideas on how to say it? Im very concerned about the inappropriate content that my child was forced to view as a losing bet, the other child watched it also and thats at the top of my list to address
I'd suggest sending a text something along the lines of "Hi Mary, Joanne here. I'd like to meet up with you or call you to address an issue but I want to text first as I know you might not be aware of it and I'd hate to just blurt it all out.
Basically there has been problems between John and Pat and its been going on for a few months. Pat has told me that John has been saying things to him and also hitting him.
He's also said John has shown him a video of <> and I suppose thats what I'm most concerned about. I know John will have his side of the story as well but I've been worried sick as I really don't know how to handle it so maybe you could chat to John and then we could meet up and see can we come up with a solution ?
Thanks so much
Joanne. . .
It steers clear of being to accusatory and leaves it open to them.
It doesn't ambush them leaving them in a fluster and gives them time to consider it or calm down.
now it still may not end perfectly but you'll have broken the ice and made it easier to take the next step0 -
single biggest mistake almost everyone makes about conflict resolution... expecting the counter party to be a reasonable person
she needs no correspondence beyond I've been informed that your son has been bullying mine. Sort it out at your end. My son will not be going over to yours any time soon.
But why not at least try and discuss it with the belief that the person WILL be reasonable?
I'd rather assume that someone will be reasonable than assume they won't,
There is no need to be totally abrupt about it upfront0 -
BrianBoru00 wrote: »I'd suggest sending a text something along the lines of "Hi Mary, Joanne here. I'd like to meet up with you or call you to address an issue but I want to text first as I know you might not be aware of it and I'd hate to just blurt it all out.
Basically there has been problems between John and Pat and its been going on for a few months. Pat has told me that John has been saying things to him and also hitting him.
He's also said John has shown him a video of <> and I suppose thats what I'm most concerned about. I know John will have his side of the story as well but I've been worried sick as I really don't know how to handle it so maybe you could chat to John and then we could meet up and see can we come up with a solution ?
Thanks so much
Joanne. . .
It steers clear of being to accusatory and leaves it open to them.
It doesn't ambush them leaving them in a fluster and gives them time to consider it or calm down.
now it still may not end perfectly but you'll have broken the ice and made it easier to take the next step
This0 -
Your son is at the age where his mammy shouldn't fight his battles for him.
Why hasn't your son already said to you "I do not want to go to x's house because I do not enjoy spending time with him?"
Kids often have frenemies and people they tolerate for a bit of company before growing apart. I just think your role should be to guide your son to make good decisions and have the confidence to speak up, rather than running to the other mammy telling tales (which by the way, will probably make things more difficult for your son when people at school find out about it).0 -
Your son is at the age where his mammy shouldn't fight his battles for him.
Why hasn't your son already said to you "I do not want to go to x's house because I do not enjoy spending time with him?"
Kids often have frenemies and people they tolerate for a bit of company before growing apart. I just think your role should be to guide your son to make good decisions and have the confidence to speak up, rather than running to the other mammy telling tales (which by the way, will probably make things more difficult for your son when people at school find out about it).
Couldn't agree more.
Young lad needs to learn to be man0 -
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johnytwentyten wrote: »Sweet jesus
He is 12 nearly a teen-ager can't have his mammy fighting his battle's for him that will lead to more bullying0 -
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johnytwentyten wrote: »But why not at least try and discuss it with the belief that the person WILL be reasonable?
I'd rather assume that someone will be reasonable than assume they won't,
There is no need to be totally abrupt about it upfront
It's admirable to presume/hope that everyone is thoughtful and reasonable like yourself - I find the reality is quite often disappointing0
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