My child is being bullied by a friend

johnytwentyten

lawred2 wrote: »

It's admirable to presume/hope that everyone is thoughtful and reasonable like yourself - I find the reality is quite often disappointing

Going to be no worse off at the end of the day, but could be better off

Boardnashea

I have indirect experience of a child bullying another child in school and at the same time being friends in other situations. It was very confusing for the bullied child (and probably very confusing for the bully also).
Hopefully this can be sorted out and maybe they will be able to hang out again in the future.

witchgirl26

Charles Ingles wrote: »

No just let your son work this out for himself all part of becoming a man and learning to stand up for himself.
Tell him to fight back otherwise he will be walked over all his life

antix80 wrote: »

Your son is at the age where his mammy shouldn't fight his battles for him.

Why hasn't your son already said to you "I do not want to go to x's house because I do not enjoy spending time with him?"

Kids often have frenemies and people they tolerate for a bit of company before growing apart. I just think your role should be to guide your son to make good decisions and have the confidence to speak up, rather than running to the other mammy telling tales (which by the way, will probably make things more difficult for your son when people at school find out about it).

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Couldn't agree more.
Young lad needs to learn to be man

Charles Ingles wrote: »

He is 12 nearly a teen-ager can't have his mammy fighting his battle's for him that will lead to more bullying

And these sentiments are what causes so many young men in this country to have problems opening up to people and actually showing emotions leading to bigger issues. Sweet god he's 12! Not even in secondary school yet and still very much a child! His mammy isn't fighting his battles but rather trying to show him a mature way to deal with a bully.

OP I have been the bullied 12 year old and it's confusing as hell. Especially when it's a "friend" who's doing it. I can't speak for your son but I was ashamed to tell my parents at the time because the person had been my friend so I somehow felt responsible. I'm glad you've been able to get your son to confirm things to you. As for the above quoted poster who said "why hasn't he said he doesn't want to go over to the house", honestly as someone who was bullied, I didn't have the confidence in myself to actually say that and would have just gone along with it. Also in a 1:1 setting, there could be no issues (I know there wasn't with my bully for a while) but they manifest more in group settings.

I think the text that a previous poster provided is really good if you have a relationship with the child's mother already and can have a reasonable conversation with her about it all. Maybe a heads up to the school so that they're not having to sit beside each other or put together to do things as, with having been friends, this can happen easily with no fault on the teacher's behalf for presuming things are still ok between them.

partyguinness

Charles Ingles wrote: »

No just let your son work this out for himself all part of becoming a man and learning to stand up for himself.
Tell him to fight back otherwise he will be walked over all his life

I think what goes hand in hand with someone being bullied is the drain on confidence and esteem.

I agree there is an element of standing up for yourself and it is part of the growing up process but more important than retaliating is that the child needs to reassured by his parents that it is not him and that it is the bully is the problem.

Giving him confidence from home is the best tool the parents can impart in helping the child deal with the matter himself.

They will probably be best friends in a months' time and all forgotten about.

Charles Ingles

witchgirl26 wrote: »

And these sentiments are what causes so many young men in this country to have problems opening up to people and actually showing emotions leading to bigger issues. Sweet god he's 12! Not even in secondary school yet and still very much a child! His mammy isn't fighting his battles but rather trying to show him a mature way to deal with a bully.

OP I have been the bullied 12 year old and it's confusing as hell. Especially when it's a "friend" who's doing it. I can't speak for your son but I was ashamed to tell my parents at the time because the person had been my friend so I somehow felt responsible. I'm glad you've been able to get your son to confirm things to you. As for the above quoted poster who said "why hasn't he said he doesn't want to go over to the house", honestly as someone who was bullied, I didn't have the confidence in myself to actually say that and would have just gone along with it. Also in a 1:1 setting, there could be no issues (I know there wasn't with my bully for a while) but they manifest more in group settings.

I think the text that a previous poster provided is really good if you have a relationship with the child's mother already and can have a reasonable conversation with her about it all. Maybe a heads up to the school so that they're not having to sit beside each other or put together to do things as, with having been friends, this can happen easily with no fault on the teacher's behalf for presuming things are still ok between them.

No still disagree this world is rough and if a man's going to make it he's got to be tough.
Your not doing him any favours wrapping him up in cotton wool.
He needs to fight for himself all this sensitivity crap has the country in the state it's in

Garibaldi?

antix80 wrote: »

Your son is at the age where his mammy shouldn't fight his battles for him.

Why hasn't your son already said to you "I do not want to go to x's house because I do not enjoy spending time with him?"

Kids often have frenemies and people they tolerate for a bit of company before growing apart. I just think your role should be to guide your son to make good decisions and have the confidence to speak up, rather than running to the other mammy telling tales (which by the way, will probably make things more difficult for your son when people at school find out about it).

So true. I think the OP needs to have a chat with her son. He will be in Secondary School soon and will need to make decisions when confronted with many situations. If he was exposed to inappropriate viewing content in the past he was understandably unsure of how to address the matter. Does he have strategies to keep himself safe in the future?

whelan2

Charles Ingles wrote: »

He is 12 nearly a teen-ager can't have his mammy fighting his battle's for him that will lead to more bullying

He doesn't seem to be coping very well with it so far

Charles Ingles

whelan2 wrote: »

He doesn't seem to be coping very well with it so far

Op is too involved let the lad find his own way to stand up for himself.
Teenage years are tough mammy can't do all the fighting for him

Vicarious Function

Charles Ingles wrote: »

No still disagree this world is rough and if a man's going to make it he's got to be tough.
Your not doing him any favours wrapping him up in cotton wool.
He needs to fight for himself all this sensitivity crap has the country in the state it's in

Following this advice, OP's boy would probably interpret this that he has to use his fists to sort things out. If he's a strong lad physically, he'd probably end up in a worse situation than he's already in. Maybe even be blamed for a being a bully!

At age 12 a boy needs to learn how to reason. This is a good example.

One less person we hear of taking the law into their own hands on the streets.

partyguinness

Charles Ingles wrote: »

No still disagree this world is rough and if a man's going to make it he's got to be tough.
Your not doing him any favours wrapping him up in cotton wool.
He needs to fight for himself all this sensitivity crap has the country in the state it's in

The country is not being run by sensitive 12 year olds.

Lefty Bicek

Depressing to read so much namby-pamby rubbish here. Learning to stand up for oneself and to assert oneself is a crucial life-skill and the sooner this kid learns it the better.

The world is not full of people who are as 'rational' and 'civilised' as some of you see yourselves.

Not everyone that we are forced to interact with can be reasoned with. Fact.

partyguinness

To an extreme you can either be the bully or the bullied.

Lefty Bicek

partyguinness wrote: »

To an extreme you can either be the bully or the bullied.

Or both. Or neither.

Tombo2001

Lefty Bicek wrote: »

Depressing to read so much namby-pamby rubbish here. Learning to stand up for oneself and to assert oneself is a crucial life-skill and the sooner this kid learns it the better.

The world is not full of people who are as 'rational' and 'civilised' as some of you see yourselves.

Not everyone that we are forced to interact with can be reasoned with. Fact.

12 year olds are children.

Dont apply adult logic to it.

Charles Ingles

Sometimes the child who is actually the bully can pretend to be the victim.
Be prepared for all outcomes op maybe there is more to the story than your son's version

partyguinness

OP,

You have two options:-

1. Have a quiet word with the mother.
2. Say nothing and let your son deal with it himself and just keep an eye on it.

Otherwise you are just going to over analyze everything and all the posts here won't help.

Lefty Bicek

Tombo2001 wrote: »

12 year olds are children.

Dont apply adult logic to it

It would be odd if people did not use their own lived experience (distilled into hopefully logical form) to guide their children.

Or do you mean something else ?

s7ryf3925pivug

I was bullied badly in primary school. When I got to puberty I lost my timidity about hitting back. I was not bullied after that.

No intervention by parents or teachers accomplished anything at all, except extracting fake apologies. Being willing to hit back hard made all the bullies go away.

I'm sure it's not the popular or polite approach, but some sort of teaching how to fight back might be the simplest and most direct solution. A speed rope is very beneficial too.

partyguinness

I remember a guy I was in school with. He was I'm not sure I would use the word bullied but he was certainly targeted for his hair and dress sense (think rave scene early 90s). He ran back to his mother several times and it culminated in his father arriving at the dressing room before a training session to berate us.

We all burst our asses laughing even the guys who would have sympathized with him. And we are still laughing over 25 years later.

The most frustrating thing was he was not timid at all and all he had to do was throw one punch and it would have ended it- never did.

25 years on the guy is still held up to ridicule and he did turn out to be a spineless wimp in the end and still is without getting into it.

I have a 7 yr old son. I will teach him to make his own judgment call. If he is hit- hit the fcuker back.

Taking a beating for it will be worth it as you won't be touched again- guaranteed but it is hell of lot better than living in fear.

I was a boy. I saw plenty of scraps and was involved in more than a few myself.

What you will find is that a lot of bullies just like to push the boat out and to see how far they can push someone before they crack. Once the other person snaps back that ends it.

Sometimes in life you just have to fight fire with fire.

Tombo2001

partyguinness wrote: »

I remember a guy I was in school with. He was I'm not sure I would use the word bullied but he was certainly targeted for his hair and dress sense (think rave scene early 90s). He ran back to his mother several times and it culminated in his father arriving at the dressing room before a training session to berate us.

We all burst our asses laughing even the guys who would have sympathized with him. And we are still laughing over 25 years later.

The most frustrating thing was he was not timid at all and all he had to do was throw one punch and it would have ended it- never did.

25 years on the guy is still held up to ridicule and he did turn out to be a spineless wimp in the end and still is without getting into it.

I have a 7 yr old son. I will teach him to make his own judgment call. If he is hit- hit the fcuker back.

Taking a beating for it will be worth it as you won't be touched again- guaranteed but it is hell of lot better than living in fear.

I was a boy. I saw plenty of scraps and was involved in more than a few myself.

What you will find is that a lot of bullies just like to push the boat out and to see how far they can push someone before they crack. Once the other person snaps back that ends it.

Sometimes in life you just have to fight fire with fire.

I think you need to show kids how to stand up for themselves, but also show them how to treat people with respect and not be a d***.

Some kids need more work on the first part.

Some kids need more work on the second part.

byhookorbycrook

Primary teacher here. It's not acceptable to tell the child to "man up." And yes, the world is tough, but this is a CHILD.

Have a look at the school anti-bullying policy. 12 year olds are savvy enough to be able to bully out of sight of the supervising teachers in the yard. You must make an appointment and let the school know what is happening. Keep a record of any incident.

Don't approach the other mother about anything school related, you could contact her about the out of school stuff, but tread very, very, carefully.

Make sure your boy knows that you are glad he came to you, reassure him that you will always listen to him and ask him what he would like to see happen. Make it clear that friends aren't friends, if they treat you badly.

Charles Ingles

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Primary teacher here. It's not acceptable to tell the child to "man up." And yes, the world is tough, but this is a CHILD.

Have a look at the school anti-bullying policy. 12 year olds are savvy enough to be able to bully out of sight of the supervising teachers in the yard. You must make an appointment and let the school know what is happening. Keep a record of any incident.

Don't approach the other mother about anything school related, you could contact her about the out of school stuff, but tread very, very, carefully.

Make sure your boy knows that you are glad he came to you, reassure him that you will always listen to him and ask him what he would like to see happen. Make it clear that friends aren't friends, if they treat you badly.

Terrible advice,
He will be called a rat , slagged then bullied even worse

byhookorbycrook

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Terrible advice,
He will be called a rat , slagged then bullied even worse

I beg to differ,schools deal with bullying all of the time. Which is why there is a procedure. Give the staff some credit, it's not likely the principal will go into a class and publicly call little Johnny out as a bully for picking on the OP's boy,

Charles Ingles

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

I beg to differ,schools deal with bullying all of the time. Which is why there is a procedure. Give the staff some credit, it's not likely the principal will go into a class and publicly call little Johnny out as a bully for picking on the OP's boy,

Fake apologies in front of the the teachers and parents, then ramp up the bullying when no adults around.
Sorry but facts of life

Lefty Bicek

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Primary teacher here. It's not acceptable to tell the child to "man up." And yes, the world is tough, but this is a CHILD.

Have a look at the school anti-bullying policy. 12 year olds are savvy enough to be able to bully out of sight of the supervising teachers in the yard. You must make an appointment and let the school know what is happening. Keep a record of any incident.

There is a glaring inconsistency in your post.

In any case, just because you are a primary teacher doesn't give you any special insight, other than your familiarity with the formal procedures of your institution.

We would all be far more surprised in 2019 if there weren't 'policies'.

byhookorbycrook

So ignore the school and let the bullying continue?And yes, I DO have a special insight.Every school deals with bullying all the time. It's not just the policy on paper, it's the implementation day by day that we all do.
I have had literally thousands of students through my hands, we use restorative justice in our school. Google it.

Lefty Bicek

So ignore the school and let the bullying continue?

'Let the bullying continue' is the absolute opposite of what some of us are advocating.

Clearly your own reading and comprehension fall into the 'could do better' grade.

And yes, I DO have a special insight.Every school deals with bullying all the time. It's not just the policy on paper, it's the implementation day by day that we all do.

When you should be teaching.

I have had literally thousands of students through my hands, we use restorative justice in our school. Google it.

No, Miss. I know what it means, and don't need to Google it any more than I need your silly, peremptory sarcasm.

firemansam4

Great to see so many hard men in here giving great advice and there know how on how to deal with bullies...
"just tell them to hit them back harder" kind of advice.

Well that may have worked for you and some other kids, but do you know what? Every kid is different and as much as you may tell some kids to fight back or punch harder It may not just be in them to do that, and all you are doing is making the situation worse for them.

I do agree that parents can't always be there to fight there battles all the time as they grow older, but if bullying is extreme enough then sometimes there needs to be some sort of intervention.

byhookorbycrook

Lefty Bicek wrote: »

'Let the bullying continue' is the absolute opposite of what some of us are advocating.

Clearly your own reading and comprehension fall into the 'could do better' grade.



When you should be teaching.



No, Miss. I know what it means, and don't need to Google it any more than I need your silly, peremptory sarcasm.

Charming . Thanks for that .

firemansam4

Lefty Bicek wrote:

When you should be teaching.

Out of interest are you trying to suggest schools concentrate on teaching and ignore any bullying or any policies on bullying?