Can women have any truly platonic male friends?

Davy05 · 28-01-2020 11:34am #1

In your experience is it possible for a woman to have any entirely platonic male friends?

That's not to say you don't have male friends you've never done anything with. But rather male friends who you know would never try initiate anything no matter what the circumstances.

I recently had this discussion with my girlfriend, who at first was adamant that she has had numerous platonic friends in the past. But when we actually got through them all only one had never made some sort of pass at her. The rest were justified by her as being drunken half-hearted efforts i.e. in the taxi on a night out, alone walking to the next bar, rather than being pre-meditated attempts in her eyes.

So in the end it became clear that these male friendships were only platonic because she kept them that way, rather than it being a mutual feeling on the men's part.

This was also apparent when i asked her to note how many of her platonic male friends mysteriously go missing when she has a boyfriend

.

So what do you think in your experience? Can it ever be truly platonic between similarly-aged, reasonably-attractive men and women?

28-01-2020 11:35am

Yes.

Mad_maxx · 28-01-2020 11:36am

Of course, there is such a thing as self control you know

victor8600 · 28-01-2020 11:38am

Davy05 wrote: »

Can it ever be truly platonic between similarly-aged, reasonably-attractive men and women?

Stranger things have happened. Personally, I feel a bit more than a friendship towards all of my female friends. I would not ask them them out or even hint that I would like to have sex with them, since I would likely lose them as friends in that case.

Keyzer · 28-01-2020 11:39am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q75jOnQB0BI

Assetbacked · 28-01-2020 11:42am

No, they can't be good friends, certainly not from the men's side anyway. Men who claim otherwise are in denial. This is fairly non-controversial as
it is not crazy that there is a possibility for one party to want it to go further when they are both straight and are both excellent friends. That is a great base for something further to develop.

Earthhorse · 28-01-2020 11:42am

It's certainly possible but it's rare that it's purely platonic for guys.

Tar.Aldarion · 28-01-2020 11:43am

Haha yes, I have a lot of female friends and I'm not interested in anything more than friendship with them.

Winning_Stroke · 28-01-2020 11:45am

For me, definitely not now. Sure I have some female friends but we can't be close as I would be with my lad friends. And I wouldn't meet them for drinks, go to the cinema etc just us. I suppose I'm of the Mike Pence school of thought

optogirl · 28-01-2020 11:45am

Plenty of my good friends are men. One in particular has been my friend since we were 14 (now 40). We are both married and get on well with each others spouses - he and my husband would often go for pints/gigs without me or with me. We have been platonic friends for over 20 years and I don't have any romantic feelings towards him nor he to me.

TuringBot47 · 28-01-2020 11:45am

Davy05 wrote: »

In your experience is it possible for a woman to have any entirely platonic male friends?

For the ugly ones, yes.

lawred2 · 28-01-2020 11:46am

yes she can

but he'll still want to sleep with her

realdanbreen · 28-01-2020 11:48am

Davy05 wrote: »

In your experience is it possible for a woman to have any entirely platonic male friends?

That's not to say you don't have male friends you've never done anything with. But rather male friends who you know would never try initiate anything no matter what the circumstances.

I recently had this discussion with my girlfriend, who at first was adamant that she has had numerous platonic friends in the past. But when we actually got through them all only one had never made some sort of pass at her. The rest were justified by her as being drunken half-hearted efforts i.e. in the taxi on a night out, alone walking to the next bar, rather than being pre-meditated attempts in her eyes.

So in the end it became clear that these male friendships were only platonic because she kept them that way, rather than it being a mutual feeling on the men's part.

This was also apparent when i asked her to note how many of her platonic male friends mysteriously go missing when she has a boyfriend .

So what do you think in your experience? Can it ever be truly platonic between similarly-aged, reasonably-attractive men and women?

So when did you first become suspicious about your girlfriends pals?

victor8600 · 28-01-2020 11:51am

optogirl wrote: »

Plenty of my good friends are men. One in particular has been my friend since we were 14 (now 40). We are both married and get on well with each others spouses - he and my husband would often go for pints/gigs without me or with me. We have been platonic friends for over 20 years and I don't have any romantic feelings towards him nor he to me.

He is a gentleman. Don't ever get drunk together and don't suggest a purely platonic cuddle watching a movie together without other people present.

optogirl · 28-01-2020 11:56am

victor8600 wrote: »

He is a gentleman. Don't ever get drunk together and don't suggest a purely platonic cuddle watching a movie together without other people present.

Most of our relationship is getting drunk together especially now we are older and meet ups are always for pub/gigs - sitting in a field smoking 10 fags between us and discussing Oasis & the Premier League just doesn't cut it anymore.

RubyGlee · 28-01-2020 12:06pm

I have one only. We have been friends for a few years now. Started working together realized we had common interests so started hanging out. Neither of us never had any romantic feelings for each other.
We did drift for a while just didn’t see each other but the last year has been tough for both us and it was actually his fiancée who encouraged him to give me a call to talk as he had pretty much drifted from everyone.
I think I’d there was a physical attraction it would be different though

Edgware · 28-01-2020 12:24pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

Haha yes, I have a lot of female friends and I'm not interested in anything more than friendship with them.

We believe you Senator Norris

UI_Paddy · 28-01-2020 12:32pm

For me personally it would be a resounding yes. I've had plenty of close female friends over the past decade who I've gone to the cinema, drinks and dinner with even before I was in a relationship and we always saw each other as just friends in every way friends of our own respective genders were.

chrissb8 · 28-01-2020 12:46pm

Yes of course it is, I've had female friends over 10+ years and though with some of them I though "what if?". That faded many years ago and we've all had our own respective relationships with our partners and remained good friends throughout.

Many people know when there is a spark between one another. It's not something you can force or will in to existence. Also yes, some other poster mentioned self control. Control your stupid urges and make the sober realisations that if it was going to happen with a friend who was a girl, who you have been friends with a long time, it would have happened sooner rather than later.

mariaalice · 28-01-2020 12:47pm

My youngest daughter has a male friend from her days in the scouts, my daughter lives with her boyfriend and her male friend stays with then if anything is on her boyfriend does not have any issue with him coming to stay with them.

Wibbs · 28-01-2020 12:56pm

Yep. I've had a few down the years. They're like sisters I suppose. Zero sexual attraction going on. And no, they're not uggos by any means. Two in particular would be seen as objectively at the higher end of attractiveness, but never had that spark at all. To the point of eeewww thinking about it. Maybe it's some deep down pheromone incompatibility thing?

B.A._Baracus · 28-01-2020 12:56pm

Can a man and women be 100% good/close friends without anything else? nope. not truly.

You'll often find out that people once hooked up... or at the very very least were gonna hook up at one point just before theother got into a relationship etc.
There's even people who "hook up" after years of being friends. Cause one half broke up. Like, we meant to believe there was no attraction (or even a bit of hanky panky on the side)

MiliMe · 28-01-2020 12:58pm

None of the guys ive been good friends with have not tried it on at some time or another. And honestly, I'm not that hot.

Raconteuse · 28-01-2020 12:59pm

Yes once they don't fancy each other. Men aren't these uncontrollable over sexed apes who want to ride absolutely every woman ever.

Or yes once at least one of them is in a relationship with someone else.

moritz1234 · 28-01-2020 12:59pm

Davy05 wrote: »

In your experience is it possible for a woman to have any entirely platonic male friends?

That's not to say you don't have male friends you've never done anything with. But rather male friends who you know would never try initiate anything no matter what the circumstances.

I recently had this discussion with my girlfriend, who at first was adamant that she has had numerous platonic friends in the past. But when we actually got through them all only one had never made some sort of pass at her. The rest were justified by her as being drunken half-hearted efforts i.e. in the taxi on a night out, alone walking to the next bar, rather than being pre-meditated attempts in her eyes.

So in the end it became clear that these male friendships were only platonic because she kept them that way, rather than it being a mutual feeling on the men's part.

This was also apparent when i asked her to note how many of her platonic male friends mysteriously go missing when she has a boyfriend .

So what do you think in your experience? Can it ever be truly platonic between similarly-aged, reasonably-attractive men and women?

No

NSAman · 28-01-2020 1:01pm

Of course woman and men can be platonic friends.

I have three women, we have been friends since we were kids. One is divorced, the other two are married, their husbands are friends now also. I have numerous other female friends who are purely that, friends.

Then again, I am secure in who I am and so are they. As Wibbs said, they are like sisters to me. The thoughts of anything happening are kinda....ewwwww..

B.A._Baracus · 28-01-2020 1:03pm

NSAman wrote: »

Of course woman and men can be platonic friends.

I have three women, we have been friends since we were kids. One is divorced, the other two are married, their husbands are friends now also. I have numerous other female friends who are purely that, friends.

Then again, I am secure in who I am and so are they. As Wibbs said, they are like sisters to me. The thoughts of anything happening are kinda....ewwwww..

Question is ... :pac:
When you were younger, before you viewed them as sisters... was there anything there :pac:

nullzero · 28-01-2020 1:03pm

Thread title should be, "can an attractive woman have platonic heterosexual male friends"?

NSAman · 28-01-2020 1:05pm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Question is ... :pac:
When you were younger, before you viewed them as sisters... was there anything there :pac:

Nothing. Seriously nothing.

(And no before you say they were hit with the Ugly stick.. they were not.;) )

Thelonious Monk · 28-01-2020 1:06pm

Yes but it's not the same as a same sex friendship and things change when one of you is in a relationship, they're more likely to fizzle out, from my experience.

moritz1234 · 28-01-2020 1:08pm

NSAman wrote: »

Of course woman and men can be platonic friends.

I have three women, we have been friends since we were kids. One is divorced, the other two are married, their husbands are friends now also. I have numerous other female friends who are purely that, friends.

Then again, I am secure in who I am and so are they. As Wibbs said, they are like sisters to me. The thoughts of anything happening are kinda....ewwwww..

Anything from a 6/10 upwards men will bang.
5/10 downwards and I agree ...ewwwww

NSAman · 28-01-2020 1:11pm

moritz1234 wrote: »

Anything from a 6/10 upwards men will bang.
5/10 downwards and I agree ...ewwwww

So that explains your virginity? hanging around with too many 5/10 women because the 6/10 group dont fancy ya?,,,;)

IAMAMORON · 28-01-2020 1:12pm

Not for me, I always end up wanting to ride them. I used to fool myself when I was younger, "being just friends" but the sex bit always got in the way. I was friendly with a lesbian before, she was great fun but I still wanted to have sex with her after a while.

You can be friendly with a mates partner or wife, but not closely, that is your mates job. I have been used as an emotional whore or " work husband" before. These are really frustrating types, lots of women out there adopt " work partners" who they spend lunchtime with etc. All of these have always turned sexual after a while.

I think if their friend has predominantly a homosexual preference then it can remain platonic. For the simple reason that the male in such an instance won't fancy her anyway. But I have also had gay friends who I have copped after a while just wanted to have sexual relations with me. These friendships don't last.

It is idealistic of women to think they can have platonic friendships with heterosexual men. It just ends up wrecking everyone's head.

Raconteuse · 28-01-2020 1:13pm

Bit of "how I feel is how every man feels" here.

LoonyLovegood · 28-01-2020 1:14pm

Completely. Some of my best friends are lads, and there'd never be anything between us

nullzero · 28-01-2020 1:20pm

Raconteuse wrote: »

Bit of "how I feel is how every man feels" here.

That or people just sharing their own experiences without projecting their feelings onto anyone.

Feisar · 28-01-2020 1:22pm

I would have rode the Harp of a ha'penny back in the day so that'll be a no from me for platonic female friends.

Raconteuse · 28-01-2020 1:23pm

nullzero wrote: »

That or people just sharing their own experiences without projecting their feelings onto anyone.

They are though, when they say "must be ugly so", "it's idealistic" or just flat out "No".

28-01-2020 1:27pm

So the argument being put forward is that every man wants to take all their women friends out for a gallop?

Wibbs · 28-01-2020 1:28pm

nullzero wrote: »

Thread title should be, "can an attractive woman have platonic heterosexual male friends"?

The answer would still be yes, in my case anyway. Like I said two were well above "average" in the looks dept and I could objectively see that no problem, but major nope. I suppose in the same way siblings can see that their brother/sister is goodlooking, but that's where it ends? I do reckon it could be a pheromone/compatibility thing, where something vital is missing for it to be anything beyond platonic.

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Yes but it's not the same as a same sex friendship and things change when one of you is in a relationship, they're more likely to fizzle out, from my experience.

That has sometimes happened, at the start of their new relationships, or mine. It depended on the partners in question. Some were suspicious of the friendships. They didn't need to be, but we'd take a time out until they relaxed the kacks. Some never did, which is grand too. That included one lass who was Gay whose girlfriend was convinced there was something up, even though on the spectrum of sexuality my friend was 100% gay. Then again same sex friendships can also fizzle out when long term relationships kick off. I've seen both men and women fade out very old friends when they got hitched.

sbsquarepants · 28-01-2020 1:33pm

Feisar wrote: »

I would have rode the Harp of a ha'penny back in the day so that'll be a no from me for platonic female friends.

I'm much the same - i've only really had 1 female friend i didn't fancy to some degree, and i'm pretty sure if she had of hit on me some night i'd probably have said fúck it and went along for the ride anyway....just seems rude not to:D

I've had plenty of female friends who i've never had any sexual shenanigans with, but i couldn't honestly say i didn't fancy them to
greater or lesser degrees.

nkl12xtw5goz70 · 28-01-2020 1:34pm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Can a man and women be 100% good/close friends without anything else? nope. not truly.

I'd say that situations of absolutely no sexual attraction are quite rare.

I have many female friends — and I'm not immune to finding them attractive. I'm certainly capable of noticing when a friend has pretty eyes, a nice smile, or a flattering new outfit.

That doesn't mean I'm about to hop into bed with any of them, though. I'm married, many of my female friends are married too, and we respect our spouses and each other far too much to risk everything for a casual fling that could tear two families apart.

The important thing is not for the friendship to be 100% platonic, but for both people to understand where the boundary is and not to cross it.

Feisar · 28-01-2020 1:37pm

On the pheromone/compatibility thing is it a thing? I remember one lady that'd get me as hard as the hobs of hell just being in the same room as her. Used to put it down to me being a dog. It's not like she was a stunner or anything.

28-01-2020 1:37pm

Kyrie Hot Leadership wrote: »

I have many female friends

A wild imagination redeems the drudgery of reality.

I see sheep · 28-01-2020 1:54pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

Haha yes, I have a lot of female friends and I'm not interested in anything more than friendship with them.

None of them good looking? Ah well

Cina · 28-01-2020 2:01pm

The ladder theory is generally my favourite one to bring up whenever the subject is broached, I think it's pretty accurate, overall. Worth a read anyway as it's pretty funny.

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Wibbs · 28-01-2020 2:15pm

Feisar wrote: »

On the pheromone/compatibility thing is it a thing? I remember one lady that'd get me as hard as the hobs of hell just being in the same room as her. Used to put it down to me being a dog. It's not like she was a stunner or anything.

I suspect it could be, or at least in some cases. It's fascinating stuff. There is the example of the Israeli kibbutz research, where boys and girls were brought up communally and even though not related by blood tended to treat each other like siblings and seek partners outside thier circle. There seems to be a sibling switch that goes off in some childhood development stage.

There's a fair bit of research that shows that people match up with those who have a subtly different immune response, the hypothesis being that such a difference is better for offspring who will inherit a better immune system and it's overall better to have a different genetic mix anyway. Some have suggested with some science behind it that this difference is transmitted by smell and taste at the subconscious level.

I knew a couple who had been happily together for many years who were trying for a family and no joy. Went through fertility treatments and still nada. Tests showed both were below optimum in the fertility stakes(he was worse). Well they broke up, not least from the stress of all that. Fast forward a few years and new partners, both have have a couple of kids each, with no medical help. Just got up the duff in the usual fashion. Maybe deep down there was some major incompatibility and their bodies said "nope"?

Many moons back I went out on a date with a woman who I defo had the hots for. Major ride TBH. Couldn't have been any more my physical type. She was keen too(deluded. Bless). Anyway we got on really well, no silent moments or any of that and then the snogging kicked off, and it felt immediately weird. For both of us. Instant buzz kill. It was very odd and we talked about how weird it was. It seems something was "off" in our physical compatibility. Whereas with some others who would have been below that level of my type, even well below, walking viagra time.

We're complex creatures, with very complex biological stuff going on under the surface. Stuff we're only beginning to delve into. Just look at how much it seems our individual gut biomes can influence our health, weight, immune responses.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 28-01-2020 2:16pm

I would say I've plenty of platonic male friends. That's not to say that in every case idle thoughts have never been entertained by one party or another or even that someone hasn't had a wee crush on the other for a while.

The people who seem very invested in the idea that it's not possible seem to have very high standards for what they'll accept constitutes platonic, imo.

"Oh you've a loving relationship with your mother, really? Really? Never shouted at her or hated her, no? Yeah so that's not a loving relationship.'

"Oh you've a professional relationship with your boss? You're working for her every second of every day are you? Yeah that's what I THOUGHT."

I see sheep · 28-01-2020 2:17pm

Wibbs wrote: »

I suspect it could be, or at least in some cases. It's fascinating stuff. There is the example of the Israeli kibbutz research, where boys and girls were brought up communally and even though not related by blood tended to treat each other like siblings and seek partners outside thier circle. There seems to be a sibling switch that goes off in some childhood development stage.

There's a fair bit of research that shows that people match up with those who have a subtly different immune response, the hypothesis being that such a difference is better for offspring who will inherit a better immune system and it's overall better to have a different genetic mix anyway. Some have suggested with some science behind it that this difference is transmitted by smell and taste at the subconscious level.

I knew a couple who had been happily together for many years who were trying for a family and no joy. Went through fertility treatments and still nada. Tests showed both were below optimum in the fertility stakes(he was worse). Well they broke up, not least from the stress of all that. Fast forward a few years and new partners, both have have a couple of kids each, with no medical help. Just got up the duff in the usual fashion. Maybe deep down there was some major incompatibility and their bodies said "nope"?

Many moons back I went out on a date with a woman who I defo had the hots for. Major ride TBH. Couldn't have been any more my physical type. She was keen too(deluded. Bless). Anyway we got on really well, no silent moments or any of that and then the snogging kicked off, and it felt immediately weird. For both of us. Instant buzz kill. It was very odd and we talked about how weird it was. It seems something was "off" in our physical compatibility. Whereas with some others who would have been below that level of my type, even well below, walking viagra time.

We're complex creatures, with very complex biological stuff going on under the surface. Stuff we're only beginning to delve into. Just look at how much it seems our individual gut biomes can influence our health, weight, immune responses.

Couldn't get it up for a hot girl, fair enough man it happens to the best of us.

eviltwin · 28-01-2020 2:20pm

I don't want to sleep with any of my male friends. One man is enough for me.

My female friends though.......

UI_Paddy · 28-01-2020 2:22pm

nullzero wrote: »

Thread title should be, "can an attractive woman have platonic heterosexual male friends"?

Like Wibbs, I would agree the answer to this thread is still the same. My female friends vary in levels of attractiveness, and even the ones who are attractive I never considered making a move on them when I was single because I could tell whether there was a spark or not. I think everyone should figure this out for themselves when they meet someone. In my experience women have noticed when I wasn't trying to force anything and respected me for knowing where I stand without being given any subtle signs.

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Yes but it's not the same as a same sex friendship and things change when one of you is in a relationship, they're more likely to fizzle out, from my experience.

Not really, at least in my experience. I've never lost a close female friend after getting into my relationship because we always knew and agreed on what the terms of the friendship were. They were even happy to see me get into a relationship and have socialized with us several times, including our engagement party.

Can women have any truly platonic male friends?

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