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Very Confused.

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  • 18-12-2008 12:57pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all,
    Myself and my partner decided to part in October, after our five year relationship. It was a mutual decision due to other issues going on in our life - as we are in completely different places right now. Thing is, we are still in love with each other and we both were in complete agony when it finished.

    I'll tell you some background information about us:

    We moved in together last year after 4 years of going out, which I thought was quite sensible! Before this, I was living at home and at college, and she was working. She decided to start college which I was 100% supportive of and fully encouraged her to live her dream & get out of the job she didn't want to be in. I'm in work on the other hand, earning money while she is still in college and really doesn't have that much money to go out at the weekends as I would like. However, she still finds time to go out with her college friends during the week. Well, it's mostly going over to their house and buying drink from the off-licence.

    She is 29 and I'm 27. I will lend her money if she needs it though, but she has severe issues with that and I don't want to feel im care-taking either. She's very proud and does not want to ask her parents for money to fund her for college, even when she's really really broke which I have issues with. I've asked her, what about a part-time job for a couple of evenings during the week. But, she's tried all over South Side and she says that there's nothing around. She still has her car, but I said that she should sell it to get her some money to fund college. The thing is, she feels that this is her only source of independance, since she finished work. Ok, so I guess you've gathered, there is a money issue here. She is getting a grant but it's not enough for living in Dublin, as you all would have gathered! So, she's a bit stuborn to be honest, which doesn't help our situation. Has anyone been in this situation - where one in relationship is at college with v little money and other is working?

    So recently, (actually last weekend) we met each other out, one thing led to the next and we were kissing. It felt amazing and I had such a great time being with her again. We met up the next day and we slept together, that was equally great.
    The thing is, the only way I can even think about getting back together, is if we take things really slow and keep talking before getting intimate again. It's the only way I can move forward with this. Those two months affected the two of us a great deal emotionally and we obviously both still have protection up. I do still feel hurt after what happened and it's hard to just let go of that hurt.

    We have spoken about the money issues, and I've said she's going to have to try and spend time with me at the weekends and go out, if we are to make a go of things. The "not having money" line is starting to annoy me and this will need to change if things are going to be right. I'm not expecting things to be back to the way they were though, I'm expecting things to be better and more healthier.

    I have been worried sick about this and whether or not we're making the right decision, but I am convinced that it is worth another shot. As I said, I want it to be a very slow process, of getting to know each other again & find out what the others needs and wants are before getting any way intimate/sexual again.

    We get along so so well, are so compatible, and always have a laugh no matter what. She's my best friend also. My feelings for her have never changed, but we do need to compromise on certain things.

    Can anyone help with a few suggestions/ tips that they can give or maybe you were in a similar situation?

    Sorry this post went on for so long.. hope no-one has fallen asleep at this stage! :)


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    #2
    Kevster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    Hi,

    After reading your post, it's clear to me that what is happening here is that external factors are getting in the way of a love that could potentially be great. You should be aware of this, and never question whether or not you and her should be together. You get on great together - what more do you need?

    So, with this in mind, the only way forward is for the two of you to simply work through the external factors, but to never question whether being together is right or not, okay? Money is an issue for the majority of the country nowadays (myself included); and it's so sad that it interferes with peoples' lives in this manner.

    Don't go "slow" with the relationship, but don't go fast either. Just do what you feel is right. If you want to be with her at any moment, then do so. Don't turn your relationship into something that's mechanical (i.e. - where everything's defined). The time that you and her spent apart might have been a blessing in disguise as it made you both realise how much you like each other.

    Kevin


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    #3
    SeekingHelp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭SeekingHelp


    Thanks Kevster :) You said a few things that made complete sense.


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    #4
    codeblack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34 ✭codeblack


    I'm going to be quite harsh here...but I have to say, I think you're being really tough on her. I mean surely you realised that her going back to college was going to be a huge drain on her financially? I am in college, and my boyfriend works. He makes considerably a lot more than I do, but I'd never want to take a cent off him. Call it stubborn if you want, but when you're used to being independant you dont want to live off anyone else. And yes she should/could get a part time job but lets not forget as well that its extremely hard to get a job right now!

    Now you say you supported her decision to go back to college 100%, but do you really? There she is trying her hardest to do well in college, and survive with the little amount she has to her name, does she really need you harping on about money?

    "We have spoken about the money issues, and I've said she's going to have to try and spend time with me at the weekends and go out, if we are to make a go of things. The "not having money" line is starting to annoy me and this will need to change if things are going to be right."

    How is she going to get this money to go out with you at the weekends? Is it going to magically appear, just because you want it to? I understand you want to spend time with her and thats great, but expecting her to go out when she doesnt have money is a bit insensitive to say the least, why not do things that wont cost anything?

    You say you love her, and your in love with her.. but for you the only way it will work is if she has enough money to go out with you at weekends....

    grow up and cop on!

    I have serious doubts if you really love her at all


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    #5
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    This is the second time in as many days that someone has post the same thread twice unregistered. Mods, there may be a prankster or a glitch in the matrix? who knows! Both users posted the same thread under two different titles which leads me to believe it was done on purpose. FYI.

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055444005


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    #6
    SeekingHelp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭SeekingHelp


    FloatingSmartie, ok - you have absolutely no idea what's going on here. And what you said was completely out of line. By you questioning my love for my girlfriend is pretty damn insenstive.
    Do you know I wouldn't be here if I didn't care, and I'm trying anything here to make this work - Including talking to her about issues that arise in the relationship.
    Also, it's not just money - so maybe you didn't get the bigger picture. There was a death, family issues and other stuff that happened during the year which also caused strain. It wasn't just financial strain though, so I have to emphasis that.

    FloatingSmartie, I do agree with you on one thing. Do things that don't cost any money. This will help our situation.

    Good luck.


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    #7
    SeekingHelp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭SeekingHelp


    hi sorry, that was my mistake MagicMarker. I posted same thing by accident.


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    #8
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    SeekingHelp wrote: »
    hi sorry, that was my mistake MagicMarker. I posted same thing by accident.
    Cool, was just weird seeing as someone did that yesterday too! :)

    My apologies.


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    #9
    RedXIV
    Registered Users Posts: 8,409 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    floatingsmartie wrote: »
    I'm going to be quite harsh here...but I have to say, I think you're being really tough on her. I mean surely you realised that her going back to college was going to be a huge drain on her financially? I am in college, and my boyfriend works. He makes considerably a lot more than I do, but I'd never want to take a cent off him. Call it stubborn if you want, but when you're used to being independant you dont want to live off anyone else. And yes she should/could get a part time job but lets not forget as well that its extremely hard to get a job right now!

    People in college aren't looking for professional careers, they are looking for something to pay the bills, there are LOADS of jobs around there and she already has one.
    floatingsmartie wrote: »
    Now you say you supported her decision to go back to college 100%, but do you really? There she is trying her hardest to do well in college, and survive with the little amount she has to her name, does she really need you harping on about money?

    Now you're being a bit harsh, we don't know how hard she's really trying and in the OP's defence, he's entitled to bring up something if it's an issue, far better he do that than sweep it under the rug
    floatingsmartie wrote: »
    "We have spoken about the money issues, and I've said she's going to have to try and spend time with me at the weekends and go out, if we are to make a go of things. The "not having money" line is starting to annoy me and this will need to change if things are going to be right."

    How is she going to get this money to go out with you at the weekends? Is it going to magically appear, just because you want it to? I understand you want to spend time with her and thats great, but expecting her to go out when she doesnt have money is a bit insensitive to say the least, why not do things that wont cost anything?

    He did mention that she gets to go out a few times during the week. For a person to be able to do that and then harp on about lack of finances DOES need a wakeup call. You don't go out if you can't afford it. Thats common sense. All the OP is asking for is that instead of the 3 or 4 nights she's out during the week, come out with him once. The money doesn't have to be created and i'm sure he's not gonna make her beg for cash if she's broke.
    floatingsmartie wrote: »
    "You say you love her, and your in love with her.. but for you the only way it will work is if she has enough money to go out with you at weekends....

    grow up and cop on!

    I have serious doubts if you really love her at all

    thats def a bit over the top. if he didn't love her, he wouldn't have tried to get her back and he wouldn't be asking for advice.

    But of course, this is all merely an opinion :)


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    #10
    codeblack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34 ✭codeblack


    If you do not want to hear people's opinions then do not post here. You will get any types of opinions here. Some you will like, some you wont. At the end of the day its just MY opinions about what you posted.


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    #11
    Kevster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    SeekingHelp wrote: »
    Thanks Kevster :) You said a few things that made complete sense.

    You're welcome. I'm a moderator on a psychological help forum and have 10,000+ posts on it! I hope that you can take positives from what I wrote into your life.

    floatingsmartie, you have expressed your opinion, and that is all you must do. Please don't start bickering with the thread-starter as it will not help his situation. I'm sure that he has taken your opinion on board, and that is sufficient.

    Kevin


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    #12
    Aurora Borealis
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭Aurora Borealis


    I think the most important thing here and what you need to keep sight of is that you both still love each other so just decide that whatever happens you're together and are gonna work through this. Try doing inexpensive things together at the weekend. Her going out mid week with friends is a good thing really if she's trying to bond with people from her course etc and have the student experience. It's hard when you're at different stages but it's worth working at if you really do click and it sounds like you do.


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