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What to do..

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  • 18-12-2008 1:23pm
    #1
    SeekingHelp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭


    Hi all,
    Myself and my partner decided to part in October, after our five year relationship. It was a mutual decision due to other issues going on in our life - as we are in completely different places right now. Thing is, we are still in love with each other and we both were in complete agony when it finished.
    I'll tell you some background information about us:
    We moved in together last year after 4 years of going out, which I thought was quite sensible! Before this, I was living at home and at college, and she was working. She decided to start college which I was 100% supportive of and fully encouraged her to live her dream & get out of the job she didn't want to be in. I'm in work on the other hand, earning money while she is still in college and really doesn't have that much money to go out at the weekends as I would like. However, she still finds time to go out with her college friends during the week. Well, it's mostly going over to their house and buying drink from the off-licence.
    She is 29 and I'm 27. I will lend her money if she needs it though, but she has severe issues with that and I don't want to feel im care-taking either. She's very proud and does not want to ask her parents for money to fund her for college, even when she's really really broke which I have issues with. I've asked her, what about a part-time job for a couple of evenings during the week. But, she's tried all over South Side and she says that there's nothing around. She still has her car, but I said that she should sell it to get her some money to fund college. The thing is, she feels that this is her only source of independance, since she finished work. Ok, so I guess you've gathered, there is a money issue here. She is getting a grant but it's not enough for living in Dublin, as you all would have gathered! So, she's a bit stuborn to be honest, which doesn't help our situation. Has anyone been in this situation - where one in relationship is at college with v little money and other is working?
    So recently, (actually last weekend) we met each other out, one thing led to the next and we were kissing. It felt amazing and I had such a great time being with her again. We met up the next day and we slept together, that was equally great.
    The thing is, the only way I can even think about getting back together, is if we take things really slow and keep talking before getting intimate again. It's the only way I can move forward with this. Those two months affected the two of us a great deal emotionally and we obviously both still have protection up. I do still feel hurt after what happened and it's hard to just let go of that hurt.
    We have spoken about the money issues, and I've said she's going to have to try and spend time with me at the weekends and go out, if we are to make a go of things. The "not having money" line is starting to annoy me and this will need to change if things are going to be right. I'm not expecting things to be back to the way they were though, I'm expecting things to be better and more healthier.
    I have been worried sick about this and whether or not we're making the right decision, but I am convinced that it is worth another shot. As I said, I want it to be a very slow process, of getting to know each other again & find out what the others needs and wants are before getting any way intimate/sexual again.
    We get along so so well, are so compatible, and always have a laugh no matter what. She's my best friend also. My feelings for her have never changed, but we do need to compromise on certain things.
    Can anyone help with a few suggestions/ tips that they can give or maybe you were in a similar situation?
    Sorry this post went on for so long.. hope no-one has fallen asleep at this stage! :)


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    #2
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Don't lend her a cent would be my first bit of advice.

    If she's not going to make an effort to support herself then you shouldn't do it for her. Her money issues are not your money issues.


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    #3
    jim o doom
    Registered Users Posts: 1,474 ✭✭✭jim o doom


    What was the root cause of the original breakup? was it the money issues - It's kind of hard to give advice on getting back with someone, without the whole picture.. I've sort of always had a "never get back with an ex" rule, because it seems to me the same old problems are always gonna creep back up again.. but that being said - I don't know what problems you had! either way, if you do go for it, I wish ye luck.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    But you've already slept with her??

    Anyway ... the only way to do this is to be open and frank about all of your issues, both of you need to do this. Don't pull any punches. That way you will have a clear understanding of what you both expect from the relationship.
    Going to college is new and exciting, and perhaps she was making new friends and needed to spend time with them to cement those friendships, so time spent together and money are two things you need to discuss.


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    #5
    Pete4779
    Closed Accounts Posts: 622 ✭✭✭Pete4779


    Not much use now, but couples are much, much more likely to break up if they move in together unmarried (I'm not a Bible pusher! It's just true!).

    You might have to cut her loose, and move on. She doesn't seem, from your post at any rate, as into the relationship as you, as was said above, she is making new friends and socialising, your life still revolves around her.


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    #6
    Das Kitty
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 17,231 Mod ✭✭✭✭Das Kitty


    Sounds like a breakdown in communication to me. This can be salvaged but you need to talk through all your issues. Both writing down what your main bugbears are (no accusatory language and try to start every sentence with "I") might help and then read them to one another. It saves you from blurting out something you don't mean.

    If you want to be together you can but you will both have to work on it.

    You may have to go to couples counseling, I know this means more cash but it would surely be worth it if it salvages something good, no?


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    #7
    SeekingHelp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭SeekingHelp


    Thanks all for your help.
    I have been thinking about couples councilling Das Kitty, I know it's money but it may be worth a go. Ur right about writing down everything. I cannot move back into this relationship if the issues are not ironed out now, and a councilor may be able to help on this.
    Otherwise, as another poster has stated, the same problems will just creep up again and again.
    The main issue was a communication breakdown in my opinion this is why we have to just keep talking.

    Has anyone been in the position where they love the person but there are still issues in the relationship? Aaargh, its a complete head wreck for me right now.


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