Flatmates partner

JohnnyChimpo · 27-06-2019 12:45pm

Twenty Grand wrote: »

Does no one here actually make friends with the people they live with?

Ya know, go for pints, cinema, light the fire and have movie nights?

the Venn diagram intersection of socially well-adjusted people and Boardsie posters is pretty small I imagine

NuttyMcNutty · 27-06-2019 12:48pm

You should have told her that you cannot stop **** when she's moaning, just to see the face on her like

jr86 · 27-06-2019 1:20pm

I remember a house share I was in years ago where a new housemate (HM1) moved in and started having their BF over about 4 nights a week. One of the other tenants (HM2) brought it up to them in a subtle non-confrontational way, and HM1 felt it was the meanest thing ever on HM 2s part - in fact right up until the day they moved out (about 3 years later) they still mentioned HM2 in a derogatory way behind their back simply down to that incident - they actually got on well otherwise!

Unfortunately some people have alarmingly little self-awareness. HM1 would also take other people's food, take up the clothes line for days on end, casually walk into other people's rooms if they needed to use some spray/shampoo, for example, and not see a thing wrong with it. Completely spoiled at home growing up I'd say, which ruined them.

But HM2 mentioning the BF coming over too often did work. HM1 got the hump, but the visits still greatly reduced. Word of warning though, whenever anyone else was out of the house for a weekend or whatever, they saw this as a free pass to have them over 24/7. They were from the the East but this was in the days of much longer journeys across the country and they barely ever went home at weekend (house was in Galway).

That said I can look back at it now and laugh in a way - they were actually a nice person overall, but just fierce annoying habits. Don't do anything too drastic yet, have a simple but polite quick word and see does that make any difference.

Ugh I really cannot stand house-sharing, but there's very little option these days!

Church on Tuesday · 27-06-2019 2:01pm

Edgware wrote: »

That day is gone. It was different when college lads etc were renting together and everyone up for the craic when the grant cheque came through or results came out.
Now the age profile of renters has risen. Renters in their late 20s or 30s sharing a place do their own thing and are more immersed in careers and relationships. Years ago they would have had their own place at that stage

Yup once you hit mid twenties into early thirties being pally with your housemates goes out the window. Those are known as 'cold' house-shares and it's fairly understandable.

I've always tried to make an effort with the semi normal ones but my God I could tell you stories...

MacDanger · 27-06-2019 2:30pm

TBF, you've been annoyed by this since April and you've yet to say anything..... You've also said that you're not willing to switch rooms as an offer to improve the situation (a situation which only seems to be a problem for you)......

Having someone over 2 nights a week in a house share isn't unreasonable at all. Nor would that person be expected to contribute to the house expenses.

However, regularly making excessive noise late at night though is definitely inconsiderate but if you had actually talked to your housemate it'd probably be resolved by now.

jr86 · 27-06-2019 2:33pm

I'd be as cordial as possible with any housemate but I really dunno could I ever be truly friends with a housemate tbh (that i didn't know prior to the house-share)

House sharing with someone makes you really see the worst in them on a day-to-day basis - I can only imagine the shock some people get when they start living with new romantic partners on a full time basis.

You see HMs so often that I end up getting fairly fed up of them after a while tbh

. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that.

It's a bit different in college when you're all on for making new friends, and are out most nights etc. and are probably in any given house-share for a year tops while going home every weekend.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-06-2019 3:02pm

JohnnyChimpo wrote: »

the Venn diagram intersection of socially well-adjusted people and Boardsie posters is pretty small I imagine

I love the irony of someone posting that.. on boards :pac:

The nature of house shares definitely changes as people get older. I ended up back in the world of house sharing in my 30s in order to get the money together to buy a house. It wasn't awful by any means but you get to the stage of your life where you just want a quiet life. It's a means to an end for people, most of whom would move into their own place in the morning if they could.

One thing house sharing taught me was that if someone starts being an asshat, you've got to deal with it early. Politely and firmly and clearly, with no apologies for your stance. If you simply fume silently in your bedroom, drop hints or send a text, it's not going to solve the problem. Nobody wants to have to pull another person up on something they're doing consistently wrong. The important thing is to nip it in the bud before it becomes the norm.

MissShihTzu · 27-06-2019 6:26pm

No problem with the girl staying over two nights a week. Three nights or more? That tells me she is living there and should be paying rent!

The noise is something else and should have been dealt with a lot sooner.

27-06-2019 9:16pm

I’m very surprised at the amount of people who think having a guest over 2 nights a week every week is acceptable. Previous threads on the topic were much more in the line of 1 night a week regularly with an odd time with 2 nights in the week.

stop animal cruelty · 27-06-2019 9:46pm

Addison Scruffy Walkway wrote: »

I’m very surprised at the amount of people who think having a guest over 2 nights a week every week is acceptable. Previous threads on the topic were much more in the line of 1 night a week regularly with an odd time with 2 nights in the week.

Finally someone sees from my point!

Ursus Horribilis · 27-06-2019 9:50pm

It's not going to stop her staying over though. If any of us are honest, we preferred housemates having people stay over 0 nights. Everyone has different limits though.

Deadlift kid · 27-06-2019 10:55pm

Nail on the head house shares are a disaster

had it many yrs ago in a house with students use to have a fella down frying sausages in the kitchen every night/ early morning @ 3 or 4 give or take crazy...

Houseshares are simply a disaster nobody can tolerate house mates or non family 24/7 its immpossible there'll always be something that'd wind ya up.

I use to hate the filthy kitchens empty lager cans everywhere particular noises from rooms and its all part of house shares imho

That's why I chose to change my circumstances and will never do it again ever..

Op: I have a firm but polite word over the noise suggest a heavy rug on flooring slippers at night maybe rearranging location of their bed

Imo i think that 2 nights a week isn't a big problem just have a word see what happens

Twenty Grand · 28-06-2019 12:43am

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Yup once you hit mid twenties into early thirties being pally with your housemates goes out the window. Those are known as 'cold' house-shares and it's fairly understandable.

I've always tried to make an effort with the semi normal ones but my God I could tell you stories...

Maybe I just got lucky.

Always found at least one person in the house that I'd be good friends with, like head out drinking with each others friends, spend time together outside of the house etc.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts · 28-06-2019 1:04am

Addison Scruffy Walkway wrote: »

I’m very surprised at the amount of people who think having a guest over 2 nights a week every week is acceptable. Previous threads on the topic were much more in the line of 1 night a week regularly with an odd time with 2 nights in the week.

Why? It was standard in any houseshare I was in and I had 50+ housemates. Two nights every week was always fine. Any threads I’ve read about it on boards have had plenty of people and often most people saying two nights is no problem. You’re misremembering, I think.

What is so wrong with two nights every week anyway?

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Finally someone sees from my point!

Well, if most people here think the amount of time the partner is staying over is fine, doesn’t that tell you something? People aren’t necessarily going to agree with you.

Ursus Horribilis · 28-06-2019 1:17am

You'd be asking your housemates to have zero private life. And to apply the same rules to yourself. If a couple gets together and want to spend nights together, they have to stay somewhere.

In comparison to what I've read on boards, 2 nights is getting away very lightly indeed. It could easily be 3 or 4, you could have the new squeeze being given keys to the house or them being moved in by stealth.

The best you can hope for is for them to keep the noise down and be more considerate. Nobody likes living with a couple

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts · 28-06-2019 1:27am

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You'd be asking your housemates to have zero private life. And to apply the same rules to yourself. If a couple gets together and want to spend nights together, they have to stay somewhere.

In comparison to what I've read on boards, 2 nights is getting away very lightly indeed. It could easily be 3 or 4, you could have the new squeeze being given keys to the house or them being moved in by stealth.

The best you can hope for is for them to keep the noise down and be more considerate. Nobody likes living with a couple

Exactly! Keeping it to one night means partners might only see each other two nights a week if both houseshares had that rule. Most people want to see their partner more often than that.

fritzelly · 28-06-2019 1:40am

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

Exactly! Keeping it to one night means partners might only see each other two nights a week if both houseshares had that rule. Most people want to see their partner more often than that.

Here's a radical idea, if they wanna see each other nearly every night then find somewhere together, i know crazy idea. May even work out cheaper with the rent

Wtf ? · 28-06-2019 1:49am

I think the OP is a bit put out because they aint getting a bit of nookie.

Church on Tuesday · 28-06-2019 2:20am

fritzelly wrote: »

Here's a radical idea, if they wanna see each other nearly every night then find somewhere together, i know crazy idea. May even work out cheaper with the rent

Yeah, eventually that is what happens, but what if the couple in question has just got together?

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts · 28-06-2019 2:38am

fritzelly wrote: »

Here's a radical idea, if they wanna see each other nearly every night then find somewhere together, i know crazy idea. May even work out cheaper with the rent

Well no, rushing into living together is something many people want to avoid. Let’s be realistic here. Moving in with the person you’re very keen on but have only being seeing for a few months, really? And people shouldn’t have to rush into doing that. As well as that, affordability is an issue. Renting a place together as a couple generally costs more rent-wise than living in a houseshare.

I’ve moved around a lot and lived in various cities and two countries and partners staying over two nights a week was the standard. It seems to be the unspoken accepted amount in Ireland and the UK generally. It seems to be the right balance, taking into account social mores and the reason why people are in houseshares in the first place.

Ursus Horribilis · 28-06-2019 8:40am

I'd love to know what the people who think 2 nights is excessive did when they met someone.

stop animal cruelty · 28-06-2019 8:58am

Mod

Thread can be closed

MacDanger · 28-06-2019 9:02am

Notwithstanding the OP request to close the thread - @OP have you actually spoken face to face to your house mate about this yet? This problem (and most others in life) won't be resolved if you're not willing to actually engage with the person.

Ursus Horribilis · 28-06-2019 9:07am

MacDanger wrote: »

Notwithstanding the OP request to close the thread - @OP have you actually spoken face to face to your house mate about this yet? This problem (and most others in life) won't be resolved if you're not willing to actually engage with the person.

Absolutely. You'll continue to meet people throughout your life who try to take liberties like this. Colleagues, neighbours, future housemates, service providers etc. No issue ever gets easier to fix if you leave it on the long finger. Texts, dropping hints, passive aggressiveness etc. don't work. The only way is to talk directly to them, politely but firmly. This would/should have been solved months ago. It would've saved you a lot of angst and made you look less weak.

stop animal cruelty · 28-06-2019 9:39am

MacDanger, I said previously I will be saying to my housemate, I haven't met him in the house yet. I've read enough comments about whether or not 2 nights is too much or nothing at all.

Some people think it is, others not.

I find this my housemates partners loud voice and loud laugh annoying, so having that 2 days and 2 nights a week is a bit much for me. She wasn't the one chosen to rent here.

For posters that haven't read the whole thread...... I don't have an issue with people staying over but when they are loud... There is an issue.

I have spoken to the partner of my housemate re the noise after 11pm. Since I spoke to her I have yet to meet the housemate. We work different hours.

I can see I have let the issue go on time long, I thought that by asking to keep the noise down and turning my music up, they might get the hint. I was wrong.

As long as they keep their voices down after 11 at night, the main issue is I can get my sleep.

jr86 · 28-06-2019 11:31am

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

I find this my housemates partners loud voice and loud laugh annoying, so having that 2 days and 2 nights a week is a bit much for me. She wasn't the one chosen to rent here.

Yeah sometimes its not black and white

I've been in a share where I've woke up the morning after and seen the housemate BF car parked outside somewhere - I'd no clue they were in the house at all the evening/night before. When I did see him in the evening though, we got on very well - I got on better with him than some of the housemates and much preferred his company

In other cases partners have taken up the shower/kitchen and are up till late walking about the house. That's annoying AF and frankly 2 nights a week is 2 nights too much of that crap

House sharing is just such a lottery overall in general. As I say you really do see all the bad habits in people first hand.

I remember living with a female before who started seeing someone around the time she moved in. They came across as the most glamourous couple going on social media. Domestically she was an absolute disaster. Left the kitchen in a complete state for a week before she's tidy anything, never bothered cleaning floors, took up the bathroom for hours in the shower, broke glass after glass and plate after plate, left doors unlocked etc

Lost touch with them but I recall thinking the poor fella was in for some shock when he actually moved in with her. there is not an iota of a chance I could sped the rest of my life with someone like that

28-06-2019 11:39am

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'd love to know what the people who think 2 nights is excessive did when they met someone.

Not stay together more than one night a week regularly in either persons house, aside from housemates or rules etc I always saw hanging out of each other multiple nights per weeks as a bit over the top and saw no need for more than one or two nights per week. Doesn’t stop you meeting up in the evening for dinner, drinks a walk or what ever either.

I was years going out with my now wife before we moved in together and very rarely did we spend more than one night per week in each other’s house.

If every housemate in a 3/4 person share has a partner over 2 nights every week the house is full of people, chances of getting time alone in the kitchen/living room are far smaller and the place is just mad busy. I just don’t think it’s acceptable to be dragging extra people into the house multiple days every week (I’m not saying 2 or 3 nights a week on occasion is an issue just not regularly).

I lived in 3 house shares and while they was never a rule (even an unspoken one) those with gfs rarely had someone over more than once a week bar one person I lived with (and it very much annoyed me and others as it impacted on our enjoyment of the house). I’m years gone from house sharing now thankfully so it’s no skin of my nose but my opinion is that 1 night a week is what should be the norm.

Church on Tuesday · 28-06-2019 12:43pm

Addison Scruffy Walkway wrote: »

Not stay together more than one night a week regularly in either persons house, aside from housemates or rules etc I always saw hanging out of each other multiple nights per weeks as a bit over the top and saw no need for more than one or two nights per week. Doesn’t stop you meeting up in the evening for dinner, drinks a walk or what ever either.

I was years going out with my now wife before we moved in together and very rarely did we spend more than one night per week in each other’s house.

If every housemate in a 3/4 person share has a partner over 2 nights every week the house is full of people, chances of getting time alone in the kitchen/living room are far smaller and the place is just mad busy. I just don’t think it’s acceptable to be dragging extra people into the house multiple days every week (I’m not saying 2 or 3 nights a week on occasion is an issue just not regularly).

I lived in 3 house shares and while they was never a rule (even an unspoken one) those with gfs rarely had someone over more than once a week bar one person I lived with (and it very much annoyed me and others as it impacted on our enjoyment of the house). I’m years gone from house sharing now thankfully so it’s no skin of my nose but my opinion is that 1 night a week is what should be the norm.

That explains that then.

People into their late twenties/ thirties are going to be renting house-shares for quite a while if they are still single or even otherwise.

It stands to reason then that you would have a GF/partner over for a few nights.

That's the reality of 2019 Ireland.

MacDanger · 28-06-2019 12:48pm

I'd say in most cases, your tolerance of how often your house mates have their partner over is directly proportional to how much you get on with your house mate and/or their partner

28-06-2019 12:58pm

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

That explains that then.

People into their late twenties/ thirties are going to be renting house-shares for quite a while if they are still single or even otherwise.

It stands to reason then that you would have a GF/partner over for a few nights.

That's the reality of 2019 Ireland.

I was over 30 when I finished house sharing, I moved in with my wife not too long before we got married.

I only stuck out housesharing as long as I did as I spent (and still spend) a lot of the time living at home too and lucked out in my last houseshare where I had the place to myself most of the time due to housemates never being around.

Church on Tuesday · 28-06-2019 1:27pm

Addison Scruffy Walkway wrote: »

I was over 30 when I finished house sharing, I moved in with my wife not too long before we got married.

I only stuck out housesharing as long as I did as I spent (and still spend) a lot of the time living at home too and lucked out in my last houseshare where I had the place to myself most of the time due to housemates never being around.

I know some people have to do that but that's really not the norm for most folk.

Flatmates partner

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