I always lose interest in sex

otra vez wrote: »

hello all. So I'm a year and a half into what I thought was the best relationship I've had so far in life. We never fight, there's never been any drama, we're both successful career wise and financially and have good friends and family. I thought we would end up having kids together. Both late 30s. Both attractive outgoing people. Not living together currently but have our own places near to each other.
However the same thing that has happened to me in all previous relationships seems to have happened again. I've just very little interest in having sex with her any more.
It was great for the first year or so, but has petered out the last few months, and I know this is pretty much on me as I don't have the same drive for her as I used to have.
I know the consensus here will be for me to leave her and get on with her life, but this girl is perfect for me and I don't want to throw it away if it can be fixed. I realise her life is at stake here too but I want to be the one to make her happy.
Even if I do break up with her, the same thing will happen with the next girl based on experiences so far.
I still think she's beautiful and I want to want to have sex with her all the time, but it's just not often I can actually be bothered any more. It's like once I'm totally familiar with a girl the idea of sex with them becomes not very appealing. When I hear of people having healthy sex lives after a few years married I just can't fathom how they are still into each other that way.
I know I'm the oddball here but I want to fix it somehow.
Do you think it's simply down to my issues, or I haven't met the right person?
Previous partners have always followed the same path - great sex, starts to peter out, until I am just not interested any more.
I just want to be able to have a normal loving sexual relationship.
My sex drive is still well and truly alive but my thoughts are usually elsewhere when thinking of sex.
Anyway any advice would be much appreciated, thanks.

otra vez wrote: »

However the same thing that has happened to me in all previous relationships seems to have happened again. I've just very little interest in having sex with her any more.
It was great for the first year or so, but has petered out the last few months,

........


Previous partners have always followed the same path - great sex, starts to peter out, until I am just not interested any more..

qwerty13 wrote: »

It sounds like you aren’t all that bothered about having sex with anyone, except that there’s a chance that someone new or different might excite you in the short term?

otra vez wrote: »

Oh, she left me by the way, fair play to her she knew something was up (or not up). I guess there's only so much you can take of not feeling wanted. I'm upset now but yeah I've a lot of work to do on myself before I go near any more women, can't just keep repeating the same mistakes.

Sex becomes less intense as relationships progress. I've always noticed that particularly after the first year and moreso the second. You settle into something deeper, something more meaningful. I'm curious as to why sex waning has spelled the end of your relationships instead of 1. communicating with your partner and 2. leaning more into the more important aspects of the relationship. Love and security, building a life together, future planning.

Of course sex is important, but it's not everything. It waning can be worked through in a healthy partnership. Why is the answer always to catastrophise it, dwel on it, assume it means the end?

Curious also to hear what you learned in therapy.

RE the therapist and what they said? Well they didn't say anything, from my understanding that's what they do, they just sit there nodding while you talk and talk. I got sick of it after a while as I had nothing more to say but I do remember discussing losing interest in sex, I just can't remember what conclusion I came to.

I think once the thrill of sex with someone new wears off, it just doesn't appeal to me that much, with that person. If I met someone new now I would be at it like a rabbit again, so it isn't an issue with libido or health, I am very fit and healthy.

I do love this current girl, and I'm almost 42, I don't really want to keep doing this, moving from one to the next, it has been the story of my life really, every time I lose interest.

I actually sort of discussed it briefly with her earlier today, that we don't do it much now like it used to be, and she just said it was normal and not to worry too much about it. I just don't have the urge to have sex with her like I used to.

If I was ever going to figure this out with anyone it was with this woman, she's very smart and non judgmental and down to earth and a realist.

But is it normal to just be able to take it or leave it when it comes to sex after less than a year?

I mean on this trajectory she may move in with me sooner or later, already I'm worried it will be one of these sexless relationships I read so much about on these boards, except I'll be the one who doesn't want it.

A healthy way of dealing with this would be:

• Discuss it with your partner. You've got this pattern where you become disinterested in sex after X time and you care deeply about her, are attracted to her, see a future with her, and don't want this to come between you.
• Go back to therapy. Therapy isn't about talking at a wall until you come to conclusions. It's about being invested in understanding yourself so you can problem solve in your own life and change patterns that are hurting you and others. You can't delegate out the job of that to someone else; it starts and ends with you. If it's the wrong therapist, your personal responsibility to yourself is to leave and find the right one. Try and try again. And it's deeply confronting but necessary work.

A question to ask yourself is what's the pay-off with this dwindling sexual interest in a relationship that is otherwise progressing? Is it keeping you safe? How and from what? There could be an attachment issue at play here, preventing you from getting too close to someone for whatever reason. Read Attached by Amir Levine. Ask yourself if any of those attachment styles are familiar. Something to bring up in therapy too.

Interesting. In that case, it might be worth asking yourself - is the happiest life for you one where you are single? What's valuable about pursuing relationships, what's the gain for you if the thoughts of a shared life and deep intimacy are so consciously undesirable to you?

Not everyone is built for relationships. And although we live in a society that can feel like it's designed for couples, it could be worth doing some deep reflection on whether partnership is a viable goal for you. Society prescribes a one-size-fits-all on a lot of things, is that's what's driving you to settle into relationships with women? Because you feel you "have to" settle down? Or is it that you actively desire that intimacy and sharing a life with someone but have some sort of unconscious block?

A block for me for a long time was my own childhood, unresolved trauma, what I'd learned about relationships early on, which was causing me to go after incompatible partners and ending up in toxic relationships. Once that stuff was out of the way, the right person emerged pretty quickly. The way I see it, there's either something blocking you with getting what you want; or it's simply not what you want in the first place and you're not acknowledging that.

Just curious but do you have the issue with anything else in your life?

Like do you get to a stage in a job where you doing new things and it stimulating in some ways, then it becomes routine so you need a new job or role to keep it interesting?

Is it similar with sports or hobbies. Do you enjoy while you're exploring it but the novelty wears off once you've succeeded or mastered it.

Are you the type of person who is never satisfied? Has a low boredom threshold? Do you ever get to a point where your content or is everything just a stepping stone to bigger, better, more exciting etc.?

TLDR: Does this just relate to sex or is it the same with everything else too?