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Living together

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    #62
    lastusername
    Registered Users Posts: 338 ✭✭lastusername


    OP, we all get a bit narky at things not being done our way - I know I do.


    However, that's NOT a problem! It's ok to feel what you feel - be it lazy, self-absorbed, narky at a pot being put in a dishwasher - it's all ok.


    This is not about 'thinking positive', it's really just seeing that feelings are feelings and really don't need to be taken so seriously.



    What if someone cuts a piece of fruit 'the wrong way', and they eat it and enjoy it, and / or you eat it and enjoy it? You can feel both a bit narky at something and still enjoy the outcome.

    Nothing is 'fixed' when it comes to this, and all the feelings and thoughts you may have are ok. The problem is only in thinking that they aren't, or that something needs to be done about them.


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    #63
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    blackbox wrote: »
    I think it is sad that you have never lived independently.
    I recommend that you move out of your parents house and live in a flat for a year, either on your own or sharing.
    After a year, you will have much more confidence and competence and if you feel ready to move in with fiance or get married, go right ahead.


    I Lived away for college and work. I moved
    Home to save.

    Feeling much more positive. I have more skills than I realise I suppose and I do tend to overthink things. I’ve been having a lot of down days recently so I had a chat with myself and decided I just need to get on with it.

    I’d rather throw myself in at the deep end and manage than stay like this for another year or two. I’m not getting any younger and we don’t want to be paying a mortgage back for the rest of our lives so the sooner we can start the house the better.

    I’ve a lot going on and I’m learning how to cope with it all but thanks to all the positive replies here that helped put me in a good frame of mind.


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    #64
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Mod:

    A gentle reminder - as per the forum charter, please don't PM an OP or request a PM exchange with an OP with respect to their thread.


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    #65
    tea and coffee
    Registered Users Posts: 1,823 ✭✭✭tea and coffee


    Having read the whole thread as it evolves, other issues seem to emerge and it's really less about the chores and more about you feeling "out of control".
    - your mum controls how everything is done to her "perfect" standards
    - you have started to emulate this (pans, fruit)
    - you controlled every aspect of the wedding booking but didn't enjoy it.

    It's an anxiety /control thing I think. Perhaps someone will articulate it better than me.

    You can't control what is going to happen in the new home or plan it to the smallest detail because you are now having to factor in someone else (husband) and you're feeling freaked.

    You have said through the thread that you are able to do stuff but haven't had to. Sounds like you will be able to step up to the plate when required.

    What you need to look at is the "perfectionism" - the need to control eveey aspect, every situation- that you appear to have picked up from your mum.

    So what if your husband were not to pre soak the clothes? Or chop an apple differently? There is more than one way to do these things and that is part of being a couple/ family/ friendship etc.

    You have to look at why you feel the need to sweat the small stuff and address that.
    It looks like your husband is willing to do a bit - great!
    Are you worried you won't live up to his perfect standards or your own? Or both? I would chat to him about that- about what both your expectations are. And maybe look at reducing or finding a coping mechanism for dealing with your own.


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    #66
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    You probably have a lot of control in the classroom.
    You can’t expect the same outside of it.

    I’m sure your fiancé and his family are very happy with his laying hen, but just take care when you do move in together OP not to treat him and them like you do your students.


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    #67
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Addle wrote: »
    You probably have a lot of control in the classroom.
    You can’t expect the same outside of it.

    I’m sure your fiancé and his family are very happy with his laying hen, but just take care when you do move in together OP not to treat him and them like you do your students.

    Yera he’s a bit of a laying hen himself so I’d say we’ll be grand. He’s delighted to have a bottle washer and cook. I’m delighted to have someone to put up with me and keep me, so win win all round.


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    #68
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Yera he’s a bit of a laying hen himself so I’d say we’ll be grand. He’s delighted to have a bottle washer and cook. I’m delighted to have someone to put up with me and keep me, so win win all round.

    I hope that's a joke because if that's how you really see each other your relationship sounds a very lonely place.


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    #69
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I hope that's a joke because if that's how you really see each other your relationship sounds a very lonely place.


    Not really a joke it’s reality. Very much a team work approach, he’s outside, I’m inside, we both do our work to keep the place going. He’ll earn more than me and work harder for it so I’ll do the housework. The money I earn is mine to keep/food bills/interiors etc.

    We’d a chat and it’ll be grand. I’ve stopped worrying, kinda just want to get the marriage bit over now and get started now. We both agree we would rather be married before living together out of respect for our families and we are both fine with that.


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    #70
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Not really a joke it’s reality

    We both agree we would rather be married before living together out of respect for our families

    Your posts are just so full of red flags... Everything will change for you when you move in, everything. You will move away from your family, friends and favourite spots, move your job, take on running an entire household from zero, completely change your lifestyle. At the same time your other half will keep his locality, his family and social circle, his exact job and lifestyle; the main thing that will change for him is that a different person will be doing his chores. Of course it seems grand to him, you are the one jumping in the deep end and having to reinvent yourself overnight. You seem wildly optimistic and hell bent on doing just that so best of luck I suppose, but statements like above are just deeply concerning. You should really find someone to confide in and work through it bit by bit.


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    #71
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Not really a joke it’s reality. Very much a team work approach, he’s outside, I’m inside, we both do our work to keep the place going. He’ll earn more than me and work harder for it so I’ll do the housework. The money I earn is mine to keep/food bills/interiors etc.

    We’d a chat and it’ll be grand. I’ve stopped worrying, kinda just want to get the marriage bit over now and get started now. We both agree we would rather be married before living together out of respect for our families and we are both fine with that.

    Having read that I wouldn't marry him. Why settle for that? It sounds awful. Are you in love with him? Are you comfortable and happy in each others company? What's the physical side of your relationship like?


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    #72
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Having read that I wouldn't marry him. Why settle for that? It sounds awful. Are you in love with him? Are you comfortable and happy in each others company? What's the physical side of your relationship like?

    Of course I am in love with him. I dont really get what you mean by settling? I think it sounds like a very good lifestyle. What more is there, keeping in mind I’m engaged to a farmer so obviously there are limitations attached to that. I’m not bothered by foreign holidays - never was, so it wouldnt bother my if I didn’t get a week in the sun etc. I like a simple life.


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    #73
    PoisonIvyBelle
    Registered Users Posts: 1,661 ✭✭✭PoisonIvyBelle


    I think a lot of people are find it hard to relate to you, Teach30, based on your posts here and in previous threads, and that's why you're getting the backlash you're getting.

    If this is a way of life you think you'll be truly happy living, then all power to you, no-one anonymous stranger on the internet can tell you how you should feel or what you should want. Everyone has their own way of doing things, mine would be at the polar opposite to yours but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with what you're doing. It just means that everyone is different.

    I wouldn't be feeling the need to defend yourself here. You've clearly led quite a silver spoon life, and that's going to grate on some people. I have a friend like you, and I cannot relate to her upbringing or some of her opinions and decisions whatsoever, but that doesn't make them wrong. They're right for her.

    You are lucky to have such a supportive family and a privileged lifestyle. Go and enjoy it and don't look for your validation from people on the internet - because honestly, you won't get it.


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    #74
    tea and coffee
    Registered Users Posts: 1,823 ✭✭✭tea and coffee


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Not really a joke it’s reality. Very much a team work approach, he’s outside, I’m inside, we both do our work to keep the place going. He’ll earn more than me and work harder for it so I’ll do the housework. The money I earn is mine to keep/food bills/interiors etc.

    We’d a chat and it’ll be grand. I’ve stopped worrying, kinda just want to get the marriage bit over now and get started now. We both agree we would rather be married before living together out of respect for our families and we are both fine with that.

    Well then why did you post in the first place if you are happy with the arrangement?
    This isn't meant as an attack on you- just have a think about why in your heart of hearts you posed the question in the first place, And make sure you are ok with your answer.


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    #75
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I’d had the hump with lots of your posts. Let’s not go there.

    But: you seem to be going along with everyone else’s opinions re your wedding day. And your marriage. And your living together. And your house. And your family. And the price of them paying for it.

    I’m genuinely not getting at you when you when I ask if you know what you want, for yourself? The way you describe you and your partner sounds like brother and sister. And ‘getting along’ as though it’s something to put up with. It’s like you’re valuing a big house over a loving relationship. I’m not even sure what to say to you.


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    #76
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Of course I am in love with him. I dont really get what you mean by settling? I think it sounds like a very good lifestyle. What more is there, keeping in mind I’m engaged to a farmer so obviously there are limitations attached to that. I’m not bothered by foreign holidays - never was, so it wouldnt bother my if I didn’t get a week in the sun etc. I like a simple life.

    It sounds materially good but a comfortable lifestyle is no substitute for happy relationship. Look I don't know you or your fiance, maybe you will both be very happy. I'm just going on your posts here and they sound like you are doing everything for security and convenience and to keep other people happy.

    How well do you know your fiance. Have you ever lived with him, been away together, stayed over? Have you any experience of what it's like to live with him at all?


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    #77
    Stepping Stone
    Registered Users Posts: 370 ✭✭Stepping Stone


    PoisonIvyBelle wrote: »
    You are lucky to have such a supportive family and a privileged lifestyle. Go and enjoy it and don't look for your validation from people on the internet - because honestly, you won't get it.

    Unfortunately based on previous threads, while the OP’s family are financially supportive, that’s where it ends. Emotional support is not something that they provide and if I recall correctly, the wedding and house contributions are in lieu of an inheritance, so the financial support is going to disappear soon too.


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    #78
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    tea and coffee wrote: »
    Well then why did you post in the first place if you are happy with the arrangement?
    This isn't meant as an attack on you- just have a think about why in your heart of hearts you posed the question in the first place, And make sure you are ok with your answer.

    I originally posted because I wanted some coping strategies for for running a house, I’m nervous about that aspect. I’m not very good with organising, finances etc. Thanks to everyone who gave me sound advice on this aspect.

    Yes I’m happy with get married. My other option is to stay and look after my parents for the next 20 years so I’m glad to get out. I dont have a personal plan for the next few years I really just live day to day. Which is something I will have to re-evaluate going forward.

    I didn’t realise many would consider my life privileged, it’s not, it’s the norm for a lot of country people I know. Yes I’m being provided for financially but that would be only right considering the gain my siblings are getting also. They’re getting far more than I am. If I stayed at home I’d get more out of it financially but I’m not.

    I’d no one else to talk to so I posted here. I didn’t realise people wouldn’t relate.


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    #79
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Yes I’m happy with get married. My other option is to stay and look after my parents for the next 20 years so I’m glad.

    This is the bit I don't get. Why is it a choice between marriage or living at home? Apologies if I'm picking it up wrong but it reads as though the marriage is a way of escaping a home life you aren't happy in. You have other options, don't lose sight of that.


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    #80
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    eviltwin wrote: »
    This is the bit I don't get. Why is it a choice between marriage or living at home? Apologies if I'm picking it up wrong but it reads as though the marriage is a way of escaping a home life you aren't happy in. You have other options, don't lose sight of that.

    Yes I could live on my own also, lose out on inheritance and pave my own way. I dunno I’d rather take the easier option. And yes I know lots won’t relate to that either. Equally my parents might not last 20 years so I could just say at home, still better than living alone imo.


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    #81
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Yes I could live on my own also, lose out on inheritance and pave my own way.

    Would that be so bad? You might surprise yourself at how well you manage and how much you enjoy it.

    But why would you lose out on your inheritance? You'd still be entitled to your share when your parents pass away.


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    #82
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,958 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Yes I could live on my own also, lose out on inheritance and pave my own way. I dunno I’d rather take the easier option. And yes I know lots won’t relate to that either. Equally my parents might not last 20 years so I could just say at home, still better than living alone imo.

    Are you sure your option is easier. What if the workload is too much. And you don't talk to your fiance. Will you be expected to give up work 5 or so years down the line?

    Sometimes when you look from the outside in, a situation can look so daunting. But when you're in the thick of it, it's not as bad as it looked.

    You work together in a marriage and you figure your lives out together. If something isn't working, talk about it and compromise to fix it. You don't have to keep all these worries about responsibilities to yourself. And you don't have to take all the responsibilities on yourself.

    How do you mean you would lose your inheritance if you moved out of home? I would wonder whether there is an element of control coming from your home life that's driving you forward. Did you say you're coming from a farming background yourself? Could you be doing what is expected of you, rather than what makes you happy?


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    #83
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Yes I’m happy with get married. My other option is to stay and look after my parents for the next 20 years so I’m glad to get out.

    That's positively grim OP. There are many more options beyong those two but you are unwilling to acknowledge them. Why?


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    #84
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    strandroad wrote: »
    That's positively grim OP. There are many more options beyong those two but you are unwilling to acknowledge them. Why?

    Out of curiosity what are the others? Bearing in mind I like a simple life, I have little or no interest in travel etc.
    I have a permanent job and won’t go too far from work.


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    #85
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Out of curiosity what are the others? Bearing in mind I like a simple life, I have little or no interest in travel etc.
    I have a permanent job and won’t go too far from work.

    That's really sad. Most people crave independence. You sound institutionalised. Did your family have a say in what career you chose, where to build your house, etc.?


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    #86
    Ballso
    Registered Users Posts: 465 ✭✭Ballso


    Teach30 wrote: »
    I didn’t realise many would consider my life privileged.

    Not sure "privileged" is the word that springs to mind when reading about your life.


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    #87
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    That's really sad. Most people crave independence. You sound institutionalised. Did your family have a say in what career you chose, where to build your house, etc.?

    No they’d no say in any of that, just very encouraging educationally. I never wanted for anything that way. I’ve lived away for college and my job but never had to work until finished college. I enjoy coming home and then it made sense to live here rent free so that I could put money into saving. I also got to a point where I hated living with other people.

    Yea I’m not very independent I definitely blame my parents for that.


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    #88
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Teach30 wrote: »
    Out of curiosity what are the others? Bearing in mind I like a simple life, I have little or no interest in travel etc.
    I have a permanent job and won’t go too far from work.

    Living on your own, or with friends, living with your fiance first before you commit to marriage....

    You say you want the simple life but nothing is simple about the life you are marrying into. Fair enough if that's always been your dream but it sounds like it's an escape. I don't think its particularly fair on your husband to be either tbh.


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    #89
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Living on your own, or with friends, living with your fiance first before you commit to marriage....

    You say you want the simple life but nothing is simple about the life you are marrying into. Fair enough if that's always been your dream but it sounds like it's an escape. I don't think its particularly fair on your husband to be either tbh.

    I’ve lived with other people - didn’t like it. All my own friends are married/ in relationships so can’t live with them. No interest in living on my own. Can’t live with fiancé as house isn't finished yet. Not paying rent and suffering expenses for a longer commute - I’d rather put that money into the house.

    Realistically this is the only option that suits me. I just need to sort out my head and learn a few bits.


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    #90
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Teach30 wrote: »
    No they’d no say in any of that, just very encouraging educationally. I never wanted for anything that way. I’ve lived away for college and my job but never had to work until finished college. I enjoy coming home and then it made sense to live here rent free so that I could put money into saving. I also got to a point where I hated living with other people.

    Yea I’m not very independent I definitely blame my parents for that.

    It's time to stop blaming your parents. While you can understand their role in your lack of independence it's up to you now to change it. Once you turned 18 you became an adult and the choice was yours, as an adult, to return home and live rent free and not lift a finger. You do have some responsibility in this. Many people would not feel comfortable with the choices you made here in terms of their self respect. Most people would wish to contribute in some way to their upkeep as adults, even when they are saving for a mortgage. Take on the utility bills. Take on sole responsiity of a particular household task. Take on the grocery shopping. If you were not 'allowed' do any of these things did your sense of self agency not baulk? Did yoy not feel embarrassed as an adult who was being treated like a child?You need to remove yourself from a family who infantalises you. It's toxic and about control.


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    #91
    Teach30
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭Teach30


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    It's time to stop blaming your parents. While you can understand their role in your lack of independence it's up to you now to change it. Once you turned 18 you became an adult and the choice was yours, as an adult, to return home and live rent free and not lift a finger. You do have some responsibility in this. Many people would not feel comfortable with the choices you made here in terms of their self respect. Most people would wish to contribute in some way to their upkeep as adults, even when they are saving for a mortgage. Take on the utility bills. Take on sole responsiity of a particular household task. Take on the grocery shopping. If you were not 'allowed' do any of these things did your sense of self agency not baulk? Did yoy not feel embarrassed as an adult who was being treated like a child?You need to remove yourself from a family who infantalises you. It's toxic and about control.

    They’d never take money for utility bills etc none of my siblings did so forget that. They wanted me to save. I’ll offer to milk the cows and see what they say - oh wait that’s not my job, I have a degree so I’ll use that which is what they want.

    No not at all embarrassed by any of it. I suppose that’s where my laziness comes in, I never really have to do much. Can’t change the past now anyways. I can only live in hope that I’ll be good at managing a house myself.


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