How can a gay person not know or not be sure that they are gay

Goodshape · 24-04-2019 1:11pm

The problem with "knowing" that you're gay is that there isn't really a manual for this stuff or even, at least in my day (teenager in the 90s/00s), the freedom to discuss it.

In retrospect, I can remember having a crush on a boy at school as early as maybe 11 or 12. And maybe even before that I would have been more interested in thinking about boy bits than girl bits.

But that's all in retrospect. At the time, these were just thoughts. Some of them confusing, a lot of them unwanted. "Gay" was mostly just an insult thrown around the playground, or the campy comic relief on TV. If I ever thought I might be that... I didn't want to know about it.

So it's not like I can't look back and see the signs, but I didn't want to know and didn't want to find out. I imagine that's fairly common.

It's actually interesting to see in this thread, people who can't really fathom fighting against yourself like that. Or why anyone would or could. Oh to have had that freedom

cgcsb · 24-04-2019 1:35pm

Goodshape wrote: »

The problem with "knowing" that you're gay is that there isn't really a manual for this stuff or even, at least in my day (teenager in the 90s/00s), the freedom to discuss it.

In retrospect, I can remember having a crush on a boy at school as early as maybe 11 or 12. And maybe even before that I would have been more interested in thinking about boy bits than girl bits.

But that's all in retrospect. At the time, these were just thoughts. Some of them confusing, a lot of them unwanted. "Gay" was mostly just an insult thrown around the playground, or the campy comic relief on TV. If I ever thought I might be that... I didn't want to know about it.

So it's not like I can't look back and see the signs, but I didn't want to know and didn't want to find out. I imagine that's fairly common.

It's actually interesting to see in this thread, people who can't really fathom fighting against yourself like that. Or why anyone would or could. Oh to have had that freedom

I understand why you'd lie about it or even kid yourself. I kid myself that I can afford things I can't, eat things I cant etc. But I actually KNOW these things not to be true. The thought that I could be as I am now, or as a teenage boy, with a libido and somehow not know is just not understandable for me, it defies logic.

Goodshape · 24-04-2019 1:48pm

cgcsb wrote: »

I understand why you'd lie about it or even kid yourself. I kid myself that I can afford things I can't, eat things I cant etc. But I actually KNOW these things not to be true. The thought that I could be as I am now, or as a teenage boy, with a libido and somehow not know is just not understandable for me, it defies logic.

Just to follow your example, you can easily look at your bank balance, compare to the price of a thing, and know without doubt what you can or cannot afford. It's A or B, yes or no.

When I get a bit turned on by looking at naked guys, as a youngster, I don't really know what's going on. Maybe everyone feels that a little bit? Maybe it's a phase? Maybe I can train or force myself out of it? Education is lacking and I'm certainly not going to discuss it with anyone. Ergo, I don't know what I am and am, at least, very unwilling to "know" that I'm gay.

That's just personally anyway I guess.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2019 1:50pm

cgcsb wrote: »

If you are male and you NEVER masturbated between the age of 0 and 16, I just don't find that plausible.

Just to say, I was in college when I first did masturbated. We got free condoms as part of Shag Week and I went home and tried one on and well you can guess the rest. I don't know how it had escaped me all those years. I suppose being gay, I always avoided the subject of sex/willies with male friends. And it's not (wasn't at least) something they teach as part of sexual education in school.

cgcsb · 24-04-2019 2:05pm

Goodshape wrote: »

When I get a bit turned on by looking at naked guys, as a youngster, I don't really know what's going on. Maybe everyone feels that a little bit? Maybe it's a phase? Maybe I can train or force myself out of it? Education is lacking and I'm certainly not going to discuss it with anyone. Ergo, I don't know what I am and am, at least, very unwilling to "know" that I'm gay.

The bit in bold is the troublesome bit. You're getting turned on by men, de facto you know what's going on and are aware of it.

cgcsb · 24-04-2019 2:07pm

collegeanon345345 wrote: »

Just to say, I was in college when I first did masturbated. We got free condoms as part of Shag Week and I went home and tried one on and well you can guess the rest. I don't know how it had escaped me all those years. I suppose being gay, I always avoided the subject of sex/willies with male friends. And it's not (wasn't at least) something they teach as part of sexual education in school.

I'm not buying it, you'd literally be on a raging horn all the time from age 15 on.

Goodshape · 24-04-2019 2:15pm

cgcsb wrote: »

You're getting turned on by men, de facto you know what's going on and are aware of it.

I knew I was getting turned on by men. Convinced myself that it didn't mean I was gay.

cgcsb · 24-04-2019 2:26pm

Goodshape wrote: »

I knew I was getting turned on by men. Convinced myself that it didn't mean I was gay.

So then you did know, but were just in a state of denial. Fair enough, I get that.

Goodshape · 24-04-2019 2:57pm

cgcsb wrote: »

So then you did know, but were just in a state of denial. Fair enough, I get that.

I think that's a little too black or white.

But fair enough.

cj maxx · 09-05-2019 1:03pm

John2136 wrote: »

Mod Note: The use of the R word in any context is completely unacceptable.

Can someone pm me what the R word is .i can’t think !

Heebie · 09-05-2019 5:30pm

cgcsb wrote:

The bit in bold is the troublesome bit. You're getting turned on by men, de facto you know what's going on and are aware of it.

When I first started feeling things about other lads, I knew what the feelings I had felt like. I did not have any words to describe them. It was easy not to associate those feelings with sex, because I didn't know what sex was.
It was easy not to associate those with masturbation, because it didn't feel anything like masturbation. (I didn't know that word at that age either.)

Looking back with the knowledge I have now... yes, I was turned on by other guys. Then it was just a jumble of extremely powerful feelings with no names. There was no "dang, I wanna do such and such with that lad!" Nor "wow he's hot" It was "what is this feeling?" "Why can't I get this feeling out of my head?'
In my case, this was still several years before I got a stiffy from those feelings.
I was staring at another lad in my class and daydreaming the first time I got one, which added yet another level of "WTF?!" To my confusion, because I had no reason to associate my feelings about him with other pleasurable things up until then.
I had nobody to ask about these things.

Gael23 · 13-05-2019 5:24pm

This is a great question.
It’s not so easy to distinguish a man crush from full on sexual attraction. I do get a stiffy from a picture of a guy than a girl
I’m in my 20s and still not sure enough to come out.

Mr.Frame · 13-05-2019 6:18pm

Gael23 wrote: »

This is a great question.
It’s not so easy to distinguish a man crush from full on sexual attraction. I do get a stiffy from a picture of a guy than a girl
I’m in my 20s and still not sure enough to come out.

Well no rush , but ask yourself , who do you look at when walking down the street , guys or girls ?
Who do you fantasize about when you are doing a bit of self loving,

Gael23 · 13-05-2019 7:53pm

Mr.Frame wrote: »

Well no rush , but ask yourself , who do you look at when walking down the street , guys or girls ?
Who do you fantasize about when you are doing a bit of self loving,

Guys is the answer to both

Mr.Frame · 13-05-2019 9:02pm

Gael23 wrote: »

Guys is the answer to both

Perhaps theres your answer. But as i said , take your time ,theres no rush to do anything.

cgcsb · 14-05-2019 8:57am

Gael23 wrote: »

This is a great question.
It’s not so easy to distinguish a man crush from full on sexual attraction. I do get a stiffy from a picture of a guy than a girl
I’m in my 20s and still not sure enough to come out.

Easy peasy, you're gay.

irishgrover · 14-05-2019 9:40am

cjmc wrote:

Can someone pm me what the R word is .i canâ€™t think !

Am struggling with the same thing myself......can someone PM me if more appropriate with what R word is?

baby and crumble · 14-05-2019 9:45am

Guys I'm not trying to be a d*ckhead here, but google exists. Literally just google "the r word" there's an entire awareness campaign online about it.

But even if that's too much - here.

Ten of Swords · 14-05-2019 10:08am

It's in the Mod warning on the first page now let's move on from this please, it's off topic

Heebie · 14-05-2019 10:23am

Gael23 wrote:

This is a great question. Itâ€™s not so easy to distinguish a man crush from full on sexual attraction. I do get a stiffy from a picture of a guy than a girl Iâ€™m in my 20s and still not sure enough to come out.

You could "come out" as "questioning" or.. just act on what you feel, and don't label yourself. Labels aren't important. Being true to yourself is.

Mr.Frame · 14-05-2019 6:49pm

cgcsb wrote: »

Easy peasy, you're gay.

Well, I would say thats up to Gael23 to determine, no one else.

uck51js9zml2yt · 14-05-2019 7:07pm

Gael23 wrote: »

This is a great question.
It’s not so easy to distinguish a man crush from full on sexual attraction. I do get a stiffy from a picture of a guy than a girl
I’m in my 20s and still not sure enough to come out.

And so explodes the myth that a person is "born" homosexual.
It takes convincing but then again, if you get told a lie often enough, and told it's the truth for long enough, it's hard not to believe it's the truth.

Dial Hard · 14-05-2019 7:30pm

Dakota Modern Moose wrote:

And so explodes the myth that a person is "born" homosexual. It takes convincing but then again, if you get told a lie often enough, and told it's the truth for long enough, it's hard not to believe it's the truth.

Or, y'know, it's just so ingrained in everyone that being heteronormative is the "natural" position that people such as this ignore, sideline and question their feelings for years.

uck51js9zml2yt · 14-05-2019 7:48pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Or, y'know, it's just so ingrained in everyone that being heteronormative is the "natural" position that people such as this ignore, sideline and question their feelings for years.

Had to Google "hetronormative".

Another new word(1991) to support something that isn't normal and to make abnormal what is normal.
It's a funny old world.

Annasopra · 14-05-2019 11:03pm

Dakota Modern Moose wrote: »

And so explodes the myth that a person is "born" homosexual.
It takes convincing but then again, if you get told a lie often enough, and told it's the truth for long enough, it's hard not to believe it's the truth.

Truth?

Have you some proof that people choose to be gay or something?

Mr.Frame · 15-05-2019 2:00pm

Gael23 wrote: »

This is a great question.
It’s not so easy to distinguish a man crush from full on sexual attraction. I do get a stiffy from a picture of a guy than a girl
I’m in my 20s and still not sure enough to come out.

Hi I sent you two PMs but your inbox is full apparently

Gael23 · 15-05-2019 2:19pm

Mr.Frame wrote: »

Hi I sent you two PMs but your inbox is full apparently

Sorry sorted that now

pnecilcaser · 15-05-2019 7:10pm

John2136 wrote: »

Still no one is giving me an explanation as it defies logic.

It does not defy logic, it defies your misconceptions (you also seem to have a misconception about what logic is).

Logic is difficult to apply to something as subjective as someone's sexuality as plenty of research has shown that sexuality is influenced hugely by cultural and societal norms as well as upbringing, personality types and physiology.

The situation is not black and white.

That doesn't suggest that science has nothing to say about being gay, I suggest that you look at this video which explains the subject in more objective terms:

pnecilcaser · 15-05-2019 7:13pm

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Truth?

Have you some proof that people choose to be gay or something?

Also, if people choose to be gay that would imply that there is a choice to make about sexuality and that that would also imply that straight people made a choice to be straight too?

Think Lady Gaga had it correct.

Irish Praetorian · 16-05-2019 11:44am

Dakota Modern Moose wrote: »

And so explodes the myth that a person is "born" homosexual.
It takes convincing but then again, if you get told a lie often enough, and told it's the truth for long enough, it's hard not to believe it's the truth.

Pardon me for arriving late to this particular party but is the question of 'born' really the significant issue here or is it not the question of attraction and how much 'control' we have over its function? I think the scientific consensuses these days posits that sexual orientation is not so much an exclusive matter of either of hard biological setting make-up or upbringing and environment, but rather a combination of the two.

Ultimately the result is more or less the same when it comes to the question of 'choice' which is to say that whatever the combination of factors at play, functionally people do not have a choice at what their sexual orientation and attractions will be. And I don't say this as a novice, I've followed the stories of devout Christian LGBT persons who struggle earnestly to try and rid themselves of their attraction but still be left great pain, and I've known well adjusted confident gay men who nevertheless become heterosexual in their mid-20s. So in this respect I am highly suspicious of attempts to 'fix' people's orientation and can recall many a horror story that arose in the attempt to do just that.

Now this is not to say the issue of orientation is something that society is going to have nothing to say about - I presume it won't be long before some young buck comes to make the trite point about people having sexual orientations which are not just unrecognised in law, but will see you prosecuted if acted upon. That is certainly true, but such prohibitions must be grounded in a justification for employing the power of the state in such a way. I would submit that in the case of gay people in recent years, such justifications have been comprehensively dismantled and dis-proven, nor do I think the present scientific consensus regarding orientation does much to overturn that.

How can a gay person not know or not be sure that they are gay

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