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Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

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    #32
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    tara73 wrote: »
    Am I the only one who read this?? Rent is 60€/week and you are paying 200/week ??:eek::eek:

    This is madness OP, not much more to add..

    Haven't paid that yet. It was "casually" thrown around in conversation as a "hypothetical" situation


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    #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    ok new question

    what the **** do you want anything to do with your mother for?

    sounds like youd be very well out of it, and her redecorating and arrears can stay her and her mate's problem

    I hear you but she's still my mother. It's difficult. For some reasons I'm feeling guilty for feeling like this.


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    #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Magicmatilda wrote: »
    Can you move out? Is there some reason you are staying with your mum, because you would get a room in a nice place for 700 a month, even in Dublin.

    I've just come home from overseas from what's been a tough few months. I had no choice and I was always going to want to see my mum I guess.


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    #35
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi OP

    800 p/m seems too high. It really does. If i was you i would not allow that situation. Rationally you are correct to think you are being taken advantage of. A fairer sum will need to be agreed. If you get yur name added as a tent in the council house, then you would be a full tenant, and if something happened to mum not be turfed out. Has that been discussed?

    Re contributing to home improvements - are you planning to stay a while in which case going 1/2 on upgrades (outside of rent) wouldn't be a problem as you would get to enjoy the benefits. But what if you dont stick around? What if mum gets belligerent when you say no to 800. And offer 500?

    The problem here is you may need a plan B, if living with mum does not work out. If i were you getting a deposit and 1st months rent would now become my priority. Delay upgrade until you have savings.

    Mum managed before you came back, and would manage again if you have to leave. Keep the option open.


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    #36
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,455 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Adult@home wrote: »
    I've just come home from overseas from what's been a tough few months. I had no choice and I was always going to want to see my mum I guess.

    Understandable, completely understandable.

    The 'friend' sounds like a horrible influence on your mother. I can almost imagine them going through any papers/ bank stuff/ salary slips that you have, in the house, so they can set a rate for you, based on their knowledge of your finances!

    I'd suggest not rushing into making this a permanent situation. Take your time and think things over. What you have proposed to pay, sounds very fair. Don't get dragged into what the 'friend' thinks would be fair, or picking out new paint just yet.

    Does your mother think that you are home to stay, for good, with her? Because that will be another adjustment for both of you, if you are home to stay, or if you plan to move out or travel again. If you are planning to stay, then by all means, check what the story is, as regards the council side of things, and get that sorted.

    It sounds like you would be far better off, in every way, out of there, and just visiting, preferably when that 'friend' is not around.


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    #37
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,261 ✭✭✭Tork


    I was appalled when you detailed that conversation you overheard between your mum and that friend. Where do you even start with that? What it confirms is that living at home for any length of time is going to lead to nothing but problems. The friend is free to say anything she wants about you, knowing your mum won't pull her up on it. Maybe your mum agrees with her, awful and all as that is to contemplate. What's certain is that no matter what you pay your mum and how helpful you are at home, it won't be good enough. She'll have that friend in her ear, stirring things up. Maybe your mum is no slouch when it comes to this sort of behaviour either. I get the impression that there's a lot of baggage between you and her and that's something to be careful of.

    Long-term, I can't see how you and your mum can live happily under the same roof. It would be better for you if you don't live there for longer than can be helped. If for now you can't afford to move out, stick to your guns and don't pay what her friend thinks you should. I'd brazen it out and start saying "Mum, I don't have that sort of money. Mum I can't afford it" and make sure she knows nothing about your finances.


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    #38
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,932 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    The arrears in rent your mum built up herself before you moved home, is that right? Do you know how your mum got into arrears? Where is her money going? I'm always so suspicious of an elderly person living alone with that one 'best friend' in their ear and money disappearing so maybe I read your posts wrong. If it is the case that she ran into arrears, what was she going to do if you hadn't moved home and paid them off for her? If there are improvements needed to the house, is it not the Council who look after that? Or is it more wallpaper and paint type improvements?

    By the sounds of the conversation you overheard and the fact that your mum replied to a comment, the friend seems to have instigated the b*tching session? Why? Is she trying to drive a wedge between you both?

    You are absolutely pulling your weight and being extremely kind and generous in looking after your mum going by what you've said. So you've no need to worry about that but if you're giving so much and your mum still hasn't got enough to cover everything and is applying more pressure onto you...why is that?


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    #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tork wrote: »
    I was appalled when you detailed that conversation you overheard between your mum and that friend. Where do you even start with that? What it confirms is that living at home for any length of time is going to lead to nothing but problems. The friend is free to say anything she wants about you, knowing your mum won't pull her up on it. Maybe your mum agrees with her, awful and all as that is to contemplate. What's certain is that no matter what you pay your mum and how helpful you are at home, it won't be good enough. She'll have that friend in her ear, stirring things up. Maybe your mum is no slouch when it comes to this sort of behaviour either. I get the impression that there's a lot of baggage between you and her and that's something to be careful of.

    Long-term, I can't see how you and your mum can live happily under the same roof. It would be better for you if you don't live there for longer than can be helped. If for now you can't afford to move out, stick to your guns and don't pay what her friend thinks you should. I'd brazen it out and start saying "Mum, I don't have that sort of money. Mum I can't afford it" and make sure she knows nothing about your finances.


    I was pretty upset to be honest. I just took the dog out for a couple of hours, had a bit of a cry and dusted myself off. It's not worth mentioning. Yeap the fact my mum is happy for people to speak about me like that is so painful. She doesn't know i've heard that conversation.

    You're dead right it will never be enough and I don't owe her anything. I love birthdays, Christmas and getting gifts for people etc, but the friend almost saying what me and my siblings should be spending for her bday is just taking the good out of it.

    My mam and I have had a turbulent relationship but I thought we were in a good place. Very hard though when someone doesn't change their behaviour.


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    #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    The arrears in rent your mum built up herself before you moved home, is that right? Do you know how your mum got into arrears? Where is her money going? I'm always so suspicious of an elderly person living alone with that one 'best friend' in their ear and money disappearing so maybe I read your posts wrong. If it is the case that she ran into arrears, what was she going to do if you hadn't moved home and paid them off for her? If there are improvements needed to the house, is it not the Council who look after that? Or is it more wallpaper and paint type improvements?

    By the sounds of the conversation you overheard and the fact that your mum replied to a comment, the friend seems to have instigated the b*tching session? Why? Is she trying to drive a wedge between you both?

    You are absolutely pulling your weight and being extremely kind and generous in looking after your mum going by what you've said. So you've no need to worry about that but if you're giving so much and your mum still hasn't got enough to cover everything and is applying more pressure onto you...why is that?


    My mam has not paid the rent in 3 weeks which co-incides with me being back I guess. I have let her have my card and thought i'd have enough money to pay for food pay my way etc for a month. Seems this is not the case. I was on quarantine for a couple of weeks, so would give my mam my card to go pick up shopping etc. A lot from our local store. This was for both of us so I can't complain. She would buy herself cigarettes etc which is not cheap. I borrowed money from a family member last week and gave my mam my card to get stuff. So i'm thinking with the money i've given her over the past few weeks and if I clear the rent for the past three weeks then that is more than fair for the few previous weeks i've been home and will give us a clean slate from next week?

    My mam is a functional alcoholic which makes things complicated. She's doing a lot better but she will happily have beers most evenings, perhaps one or two some days aswell.


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    #41
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Tork wrote: »
    I've seen threads here where people got roasted for offering too little when living at home. €800 a month is the other extreme and I think you can see from the reactions here, that most people think it's lunacy. It's obvious that your mum and/or the friend went onto Daft, looked at the going rates and went "Ker-ching". I'm not familiar with the rules regarding council housing but is your mum even entitled to charge you rent? Even if she is, multiples of what she's paying herself makes no sense. Especially when you are the one who has fallen on hard times and is home for now out of economic necessity. In these circumstances, I doubt many people's parents would attempt to gouge them in this fashion. What you were offering in the first place sounded reasonable to me. Is your mum easily led? Has she a history of doing things like this?

    Totally agree. If your mother is only paying €60 a week rent, that's €240 a month, but she wants to charge you €800??? That's insane. She and her friend just see you as a cash cow. It's nice to be able to help out a parent if they are a bit cash strapped or treat them in some way (in this case it might be a pair of curtains), but that has to be your choice, you are not a cash cow. I can imagine the conversation between your mother and her friend - "Get John to pay 800 a month, that will cover the rent and most of the bills and you'll still have an extra 500 left to play with"



    Even if you are paying 60 a week rent it is more than a fair deal in this instance as your mother is now getting her house for free while you are living there.


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    #42
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I feel sorry for the op. To be treated in this manner by a parent is terrible.

    At most, the very most, you could pay the 60 a week but that's it. No bills, etc as well. She shouldn't be in arrears either. At only 60 a week that's not good money management.

    Sorry but it sounds like your mother doesn't understand the parent / child relationship and your probable best getting out because it sounds like your better than that.


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    #43
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Xterminator wrote: »
    It is a little unclear what your suggested monthly total would be but surely you would have a bargain, if you got a rent, and bills for under 500 per month?

    You don't say what % of your income your monthly spend would be. After being made redundant, you are now working, yes? Possibly some savings too? How would that compare to mum?

    How much do you reckon it would cost you on the open market to rent a room, and spilt bills? Hint 500 would be unlikely to cover it and then you would only be a licensee and could be asked to leave on short notice.

    in short we dont know how much a month you are being asked to contribute and what % of you income that would represent, nor what mums income is, to assess if you are being asked to pay over the odds.
    However it is likely to be a bargain compared to market rates.

    That's completely irrelevant. Market rates when talking about living with a parent that is herself not paying market rate.

    Are you the mothers mate by any chance?


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    #44
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users Posts: 472 ✭✭Pistachio19


    For starters make sure you have your card back and change your PIN asap. Your mother being a functional alcoholic changes everything. You will end up funding her addiction. It's time to find yourself somewhere else to live asap, use your own money to fund yourself and save for your own future. She's managed fine up until now and is really taking the p*ss not paying her rent from the money you allowed her to take from your bank account. This is a snippet of the way it will be if you stay so you need to decide if you want to put up with her and her cronies financial demands, or if you want to get out and focus on making a life for yourself.


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    #45
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Get your card back. Change your PIN in case she ‘finds’ your card. Get a new card in case she has the details written down for online purchases. And move out as soon as you possibly can (I can’t stress this enough).


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    #46
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    The alcoholic bit makes it all slot into place.



    OP, honestly, get some support from Al Anon. It's likely she's drinking far more than you see. A drinker will bleed you dry financially and emotionally.


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    #47
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@home wrote: »
    It's a council house. Rent is 60e per week. I had planned to cover that and suggest she puts 60e aside a week for herself to save rather than getting used to the extra money while i'm here. I'd planned to split bills as necessary and probably do main shopping together and then my extra bits i'd just pay for myself. I thought this was more than fair?

    If its a council house she needs to declare you as living there and have the rent reassessed based on your income and hers combined.

    Then you cover the difference in the new rent, (probably about 15% of your income) plus half bills and half food.

    Your other option is to move out, and find a house-share.


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    #48
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Neyite wrote: »
    The alcoholic bit makes it all slot into place.



    OP, honestly, get some support from Al Anon. It's likely she's drinking far more than you see. A drinker will bleed you dry financially and emotionally.

    I know, i'm well aware of the lengths she will go to. She is better than she was years ago though. Still doesn't make it okay and she still has a problem but she's not as chaotic as she was for now.

    I went to Al Anon but it wasn't really for me to be honest.


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    #49
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,932 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    You need to get your card back, as others have said and change the PIN. You borrowed money, while your mum had your card? Absolutely not. No way in hell is that acceptable.

    It seems as if yourself and your mum had different expectations of what was going to happen financially when you moved home. It's not unreasonable to want a conversation about what's reasonable and fair.

    You survived a chunk of your life by supporting yourself and fair play by that. You need to stand up and back yourself now.


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    #50
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    OP youve had a lot of good advice and are just kinda nodding along to it

    i hope its not contravening the forum rules to say that im not getting any impression that you are going to take any action here, and thats a concern

    every single issue raised in this forum is about a situation a person finds themselves in, and the solution to pretty much every one of those issues is for that person to change that situation.

    youve already set out more than enough provocation for you to take action here

    do you see yourself changing anything about the situation you find yourself in?

    im not saying this as a poke at you, im asking whether you see your own options here and can see yourself taking any of them?

    because going with the flow here is going to get very toxic for you very quickly.


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    #51
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm not just nodding along to it. I just needed advice to see if I was being unreasonable.

    I never planned to stay long term which is why I was even more taken aback when she started suggested getting the house done up etc. I'm 34. If anything i'll be investing in buying my own place somewhere down the line and at least finding a house share for myself.

    I am not used to living at home so needed advise on the best course of action in the current environment. I have been looking for house shares over the past couple of weeks but need to get finance in order first.


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    #52
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Adult@home wrote: »
    I know, i'm well aware of the lengths she will go to. She is better than she was years ago though. Still doesn't make it okay and she still has a problem but she's not as chaotic as she was for now.

    I went to Al Anon but it wasn't really for me to be honest.

    If she only went into arrears three weeks ago when you came home it sounds like she was managing fine until then and has chosen to go into arrears to allow you pay the rent so the rest of her money can go on her lifestyle - in this case alcohol and doing up her house.

    Find a house share and move out and leave her to it. No good will come of the current situation.


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    #53
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Sorry, but you're being treated like a doormat. Your mother and her friend are very toxic, and both clearly have problems of their own. What sort of a Mother has a conversation with a friend in which her daughter is referred to as a "f**king bitch"? Disgraceful.

    Get out of that situation ASAP. Might be an idea to get yourself some counseling, too (low-cost options are available). Being raised by, and
    being around someone so toxic inevitably leaves it's mark. Your self-esteem and assertiveness are lacking, for starters. It's not your fault, but it's your responsibility as an adult to look after yourself. So get out, and don't look back.


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    #54
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@home wrote: »
    I'm not just nodding along to it. I just needed advice to see if I was being unreasonable.

    I never planned to stay long term which is why I was even more taken aback when she started suggested getting the house done up etc. I'm 34. If anything i'll be investing in buying my own place somewhere down the line and at least finding a house share for myself.

    I am not used to living at home so needed advise on the best course of action in the current environment. I have been looking for house shares over the past couple of weeks but need to get finance in order first.

    ok- but you could have the conversation today with your mother about your thoughts on how things have gone and what your decision/s or options are. that doesnt need to wait for anything else.

    i think youd be better off and feel much better about things after having that talk- regardless of outcome.

    best of luck whatever you do.


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    #55
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    ok- but you could have the conversation today with your mother about your thoughts on how things have gone and what your decision/s or options are. that doesnt need to wait for anything else.

    i think youd be better off and feel much better about things after having that talk- regardless of outcome.

    best of luck whatever you do.

    I didn't think it was worth having until I have stable employment and know where i'm at.


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    #56
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    i get that, but imo the problem here is a lack of respect for you or the idea that you are a cash cow

    staying in the long term might be inadvisable either way, but staying in even the short term without actually having the conversation about what can be fairly expected of you seems a bad idea.

    just my input, but for your own self esteem it seems that you should calmly confront the few issues- them being unspoken is doing nobody any good.


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    #57
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,261 ✭✭✭Tork


    I think I'd just keep to the original plan, make sure your mother doesn't have access to your bank card and quietly start saving up the money needed to move out. If you're asked for more money, simply say "I can't afford it" or "I don't have it".


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    #58
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    all I can say to this is you need to move out. better today than tomorrow. Start looking for a room in a house share today!


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    #59
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@home wrote: »
    I was happy to pay the house rent every week then split shopping and pay bills as when we need too. I will end up buying a lot of my own food etc as we don't have necessarily the same diet.

    Would you mind clarifying something you said here?

    Did you make an agreement with your mother that you would cover the house rent (€60) a week, plus split shopping /bills, and the reason your mother has gone into arrears on the house rent is because you were supposed to pay it? (I get the impression you were waiting to get paid? Do you owe her this back "rent"?

    I'm just confused as to why the rent wasn't paid yet you gave her your bank card, and have borrowed funds from family.


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    #60
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Would you mind clarifying something you said here?

    Did you make an agreement with your mother that you would cover the house rent (€60) a week, plus split shopping /bills, and the reason your mother has gone into arrears on the house rent is because you were supposed to pay it? (I get the impression you were waiting to get paid? Do you owe her this back "rent"?

    I'm just confused as to why the rent wasn't paid yet you gave her your bank card, and have borrowed funds from family.

    No that was not the arrangement. I hadn't made an official arrangement with her yet. I borrowed money because my savings ran out and we needed to get some stuff in. I don't owe her rent, not sure why that's in inverted commas?

    I only found out in the past few days that she owed three weeks, so I said I would clear it when I get paid.


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    #61
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@home wrote: »
    No that was not the arrangement. I hadn't made an official arrangement with her yet. I borrowed money because my savings ran out and we needed to get some stuff in. I don't owe her rent, not sure why that's in inverted commas?

    I only found out in the past few days that she owed three weeks, so I said I would clear it when I get paid.

    It's in inverted commas because I couldn't figure out if it was an agreed rent between you, or the official rent.

    Quite frankly, I don't understand why you haven't sat down and made an official arrangement with her yet, and stop all this faffing around.

    It should have been one of the first discussions that happened when you moved back into your mother's home.


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