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Your father

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    #62
    DD1518
    Registered Users Posts: 108 ✭✭DD1518


    I live with my father but have no real relationship as such with him just about pass myself don't get me wrong he worked hard all his life to provide for us but never spent much time outside the home with us like bringing me to matches or the normal kind of things a father and son does.

    I'd describe him as old ahead of his time but put it down to his upbringing in a single parent household with a father who ruled with an iron fist and showed no care towards him.

    As the years progressed and I grew up I started to resent him he's what I'd describe as a functioning alcoholic who came home from work with 8 cans most nights of the week but would always be gone early the next morning since getting a terminal cancer diagnosis he's continued to do this despite our best advice he's pig ignorant and can't be told anything it's his way or nothing.

    Despite his diagnosis I get it hard to have any sympathy for him and I've said some horrible things in heated arguments to him I don't want to have regrets when his time eventually does come but don't feel I'll ever have a proper relationship with him.


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    #63
    Pherekydes
    Registered Users Posts: 16,110 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes


    My father is gone 25 years now.

    He left school at 15, which was typical at the time, and joined P&T. At 21 he travelled to the UK to join the Royal Navy towards the end of the war. Hitler immediately gave in. :D After the war he learned the Trombone (he had lessons from Don Lusher:eek:) and played with a show band called the Starliners with his brothers.

    He worked full time, while my mother was a stay at home mother, which was also typical at the time. He became a union rep, and father of the chapel. In the 60s he joined the Labour Party and became a councillor. He was an easy mixer, unlike my mother, who was very introverted. I took after her rather than him. She had several breakdowns, post-natal depression, bad enough to be hospitalized, and my father took time off work to look after us, while some pressure fell on my older sister to help.

    He ran for the Dáil, but came up short, after which he retired from active politics, though he canvassed for many LP candidates, including Paddy Dunne (defected to FF), Michael O'Leary (defected to FG) and the infamous Bill Tormey (just defective). He canvassed for Róisín Shortall in '92 (and she quit the LP later :eek:). She was at his funeral in '95. He was 71 and had Parkinson's.

    I honestly think I'm not half the man he was. I'm far more like my mother.

    Interesting to read the thread. Some seem to idolise their fathers, while some seem to feel their fathers have fallen well short.


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    #64
    popa smurf
    Registered Users Posts: 379 ✭✭popa smurf


    DD1518 wrote: »
    I live with my father but have no real relationship as such with him just about pass myself don't get me wrong he worked hard all his life to provide for us but never spent much time outside the home with us like bringing me to matches or the normal kind of things a father and son does.

    I'd describe him as old ahead of his time but put it down to his upbringing in a single parent household with a father who ruled with an iron fist and showed no care towards him.

    As the years progressed and I grew up I started to resent him he's what I'd describe as a functioning alcoholic who came home from work with 8 cans most nights of the week but would always be gone early the next morning since getting a terminal cancer diagnosis he's continued to do this despite our best advice he's pig ignorant and can't be told anything it's his way or nothing.

    Despite his diagnosis I get it hard to have any sympathy for him and I've said some horrible things in heated arguments to him I don't want to have regrets when his time eventually does come but don't feel I'll ever have a proper relationship with him.
    Thanks for sharing this, sounded quite sad and you would wonder had he a hard childhood himself growing up or was there something bothering him. My own father was a hard nut himself left school at 11 to go working on farms handed over all his money to his parents to keep
    food on the table and later on to send younger siblings off to America. It was only when I went I went too America myself the uncle told me what he had done for them and I got well looked after out there. He looked after his own parents till they died and never complained. He was hard and tough with us and I think he always resented the fact that he had to stay at home on a small farm. He encouraged us to get out of this country as quick as you can and make your own way. He was tight with the money as well, but that's just the way he was reared every penny was precious back than. Life made him hard.


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    #65
    JupiterKid
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 12,575 Mod ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid


    My father was one of the best fathers you could hope for - very hard working, a fantastic provider, a self-made man who came from very little himself and made sure my sisters, our mum and myself wanted for nothing. A direct, no-nonsense Northern businessman (qualified as a chartered accountant) - said it as it was, could take control of any tricky situation and sort it out.

    When we were very young he wasn’t very affectionate but this was very typical in a man of his generation (he was born in 1940). Dad was also great at anything mechanical and loved cars, airplanes, boats - any vehicle really. Had a very logical and clear way of thinking. You wouldn’t want to get on his bad side - he would rarely be angry but he had such a gravitas you knew not to push him. I do fondly remember him reading me bedtime stories and giving me the tickles. My mum was a very warm, caring affectionate person who was a great listener so we got a lot of warmth and affection from her.

    When mum died suddenly and tragically when I was 15, he really stepped up to the plate and after struggling with grief really was amazing. He mellowed out a lot in the 1990s after being so stressed out, so driven, in his 40s. Met a lady in 1997 who gave him a new lease of life and they spent 17 very happy years together. He was a very dapper dresser for an Irishman and enjoyed a good glass of wine with dinner - he wasn’t into pubs at all. Fully accepted me when I came out to him shortly before I turned 23. A superb cook. He also was keen on reading up on history and politics so was pretty well informed on many things. Gave my older sisters and I great advice on life growing up.

    Sure, he did have his flaws - he could be very opinionated, stubborn, narrow-minded and headstrong about certain issues, but show me anyone who is perfect.

    My God - there’s not a single day when I don’t think about and dearly miss him!


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    #66
    dinorebel
    Registered Users Posts: 2,268 ✭✭✭dinorebel


    JupiterKid wrote: »
    My father was one of the best fathers you could hope for - very hard working, a fantastic provider, a self-made man who came from very little himself and made sure my sisters, our mum and myself wanted for nothing. A direct, no-nonsense Northern businessman (qualified as a chartered accountant) - said it as it was, could take control of any tricky situation and sort it out.

    When we were very young he wasn’t very affectionate but this was very typical in a man of his generation (he was born in 1940). Dad was also great at anything mechanical and loved cars, airplanes, boats - any vehicle really. Had a very logical and clear way of thinking. You wouldn’t want to get on his bad side - he would rarely be angry but he had such a gravitas you knew not to push him. I do fondly remember him reading me bedtime stories and giving me the tickles. My mum was a very warm, caring affectionate person who was a great listener so we got a lot of warmth and affection from her.

    When mum died suddenly and tragically when I was 15, he really stepped up to the plate and after struggling with grief really was amazing. He mellowed out a lot in the 1990s after being so stressed out, so driven, in his 40s. Met a lady in 1997 who gave him a new lease of life and they spent 17 very bappy years together. He was a very dapper dresser for an Irishman and enjoyed a good glass of wine with dinner - he wasn’t into pubs at all. Fully accepted me when I came out to him shortly before I turned 23. A superb cook. He also was keen on reading up on history and politics so was pretty well informed on many things. Gave my older sisters and I great advice on life growing up.

    Sure, he did have his flaws - he could be very opinionated, stubborn, narrow-minded and headstrong about certain issues, but show me anyone who is perfect.

    My God - there’s not a single day when I don’t think about and dearly miss him!
    I want your dad to be my dad:)


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    #67
    Kur4mA
    Registered Users Posts: 2,215 ✭✭✭Kur4mA


    Terrible father and a terrible man in general. He was a womaniser, wife beater and too fond of his drink. Any good memories I had from when I was younger have been destroyed by all the bad ones. My strongest memory of my father is of my mother and eldest sister having to sit on me to stop me getting my hands on him after I caught him hitting my mother. I can still remember the shock on his face when he realised I was now bigger and stronger than him. My parents divorced in my early 20's.

    I'm nearing 40 now - my sisters have gotten past it and have somewhat of a relationship with him although there is definitely lasting emotional damage. I haven't had a relationship with my father for almost 20 years now, and I don't plan to ever change that. Health problems have literally turned him into half the man he once was and a new marriage has apparently calmed him down. My understanding is he's a changed man these days, but I honestly just don't have it in me to care. He's definitely left a lasting impression on me to say the least. Most of my adult life I've struggled to have meaningful relationships and I'm just socially awkward in general. Up until I met the amazing girl I am marrying, I was close to giving up the ghost on ever meeting someone and settling down.

    My goal is to never follow in his footsteps and to do far better than he did when I have my own kids.


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    #68
    mcgragger
    Registered Users Posts: 436 ✭✭mcgragger


    Kur4mA wrote: »
    Terrible father and a terrible man in general. He was a womaniser, wife beater and too fond of his drink. Any good memories I had from when I was younger have been destroyed by all the bad ones. My strongest memory of my father is of my mother and eldest sister having to sit on me to stop me getting my hands on him after I caught him hitting my mother. I can still remember the shock on his face when he realised I was now bigger and stronger than him. My parents divorced in my early 20's.

    I'm nearing 40 now - my sisters have gotten past it and have somewhat of a relationship with him although there is definitely lasting emotional damage. I haven't had a relationship with my father for almost 20 years now, and I don't plan to ever change that. Health problems have literally turned him into half the man he once was and a new marriage has apparently calmed him down. My understanding is he's a changed man these days, but I honestly just don't have it in me to care. He's definitely left a lasting impression on me to say the least. Most of my adult life I've struggled to have meaningful relationships and I'm just socially awkward in general. Up until I met the amazing girl I am marrying, I was close to giving up the ghost on ever meeting someone and settling down.

    My goal is to never follow in his footsteps and to do far better than he did when I have my own kids.
    Kur4mA wrote: »
    Terrible father and a terrible man in general. He was a womaniser, wife beater and too fond of his drink. Any good memories I had from when I was younger have been destroyed by all the bad ones. My strongest memory of my father is of my mother and eldest sister having to sit on me to stop me getting my hands on him after I caught him hitting my mother. I can still remember the shock on his face when he realised I was now bigger and stronger than him. My parents divorced in my early 20's.

    I'm nearing 40 now - my sisters have gotten past it and have somewhat of a relationship with him although there is definitely lasting emotional damage. I haven't had a relationship with my father for almost 20 years now, and I don't plan to ever change that. Health problems have literally turned him into half the man he once was and a new marriage has apparently calmed him down. My understanding is he's a changed man these days, but I honestly just don't have it in me to care. He's definitely left a lasting impression on me to say the least. Most of my adult life I've struggled to have meaningful relationships and I'm just socially awkward in general. Up until I met the amazing girl I am marrying, I was close to giving up the ghost on ever meeting someone and settling down.

    My goal is to never follow in his footsteps and to do far better than he did when I have my own kids.

    I can relate to all of that. My Da was the same and while it wasn't me going for him it was my brother.
    That moment changed him and he seemed to mellow after that. He was coming around to be somewhat decent before he died.

    However his years of mental torture and abuse of my mother had left her a shell at her age now. 65. Shes a shell of a person. The rest of us can barely even hug each other. Theres an emotional brick wall. Deep seated damage done and nobody is prepared to do anything about it. I tried once or twice and got shot down.

    So would I have had a relationship with my Da. No. He was a total bastard for most of my life so just because he decided to be a little less of a ****er would have meant nothing to me. Trail of carnage left behind him.

    I'm like yourself now I have two kids and I'm doing things differently you know. My kids are happy kids because I have a relationship with them. They are having the type of childhood I wish I had without becoming spoiled.
    So I wish you well. You deserve it


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    #69
    CoBo55
    Registered Users Posts: 8,750 ✭✭✭CoBo55


    statto25 wrote: »
    Horrible man who emotionally, physically and mentally abused us. Has scarred myself and my siblings to this very day and has shaped our lives beyond any doubt. He continues to play the emotional game using blackmail and the "woe is me, what did I ever do to you" mentality. Recently cut him out of my life.

    Sounds like my recently departed father, ma wasn't much better. Thank God I didn't repeat his ways on my children, my other siblings did unfortunately.


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    #70
    bobbyy gee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,306 ✭✭✭bobbyy gee


    He was on the run from
    The british for most of my life you would see him on and off for 2 months on the year
    He would go to Scotland wales england

    There was a tunnel built under the house in case the garda called


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    #71
    The Mighty Quinn
    Registered Users Posts: 1,228 ✭✭✭The Mighty Quinn


    bobbyy gee wrote: »
    He was on the run from
    The british for most of my life you would see him on and off for 2 months on the year
    He would go to Scotland wales england

    There was a tunnel built under the house in case the garda called

    What had he done??


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    #72
    CoBo55
    Registered Users Posts: 8,750 ✭✭✭CoBo55


    bobbyy gee wrote: »
    He was on the run from
    The british for most of my life you would see him on and off for 2 months on the year
    He would go to Scotland wales england

    There was a tunnel built under the house in case the garda called

    Why would he go to UK countries if he was on the run? The few I knew that were in that position never left the Free State.


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    #73
    walshb
    Registered Users Posts: 54,594 ✭✭✭✭walshb


    statto25 wrote: »
    Horrible man who emotionally, physically and mentally abused us. Has scarred myself and my siblings to this very day and has shaped our lives beyond any doubt. He continues to play the emotional game using blackmail and the "woe is me, what did I ever do to you" mentality. Recently cut him out of my life.

    Fair play to ya cutting him out..


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    #74
    _Brian
    Registered Users Posts: 18,475 ✭✭✭✭_Brian


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    How would you rate the job your father did in being a father and did it affect your life much? How would you have done things differently?

    My dad was a good provider but pretty old school in terms of showing love and affection etc. But hey, I believe that was the norm at that time (I'm 40). Feels like things have changed so much in parenting since I was a kid.

    Dad was a great father.
    Taught us that working for a living was important and that family life was even more important than anything. He worked real hard but always made tome to be with us.

    We worked together allot and whiled disagreed as many did we had great crack. He encouraged us to do something that we liked and try new things as often as we could.

    He passed in 2006, I think of him every day, working on the farm where we worked together brings back fond memories all the time. I still miss him desperately. I’m 48 amd my eldest is 18’this week. Hope I make as good an impression on her life as my dad did on mine.


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    #75
    Flincher
    Registered Users Posts: 686 ✭✭✭Flincher


    Struggled massively with him in my late teens. He lost both his parents by the time he was 14 and just had no idea how to handle us as teenagers. As I've hit my late 20s I've realised how much he tried to do for us - just the execution was off. I've huge respect for him.


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    #76
    statto25
    Registered Users Posts: 3,836 ✭✭✭statto25


    CoBo55 wrote: »
    Sounds like my recently departed father, ma wasn't much better. Thank God I didn't repeat his ways on my children, my other siblings did unfortunately.

    Like yourself I've also realised my mother isnt much better either, manipulative in other ways.


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