Keeping surname after marriage

Dr. Em · 20-07-2020 12:25pm #1

Has anyone here kept their surname after marriage rather than taking their husband's surname? How was it received by friends and family? Do you think there is less pressure on women to change their surname than in previous generations, or is it much the same?

pwurple · 20-07-2020 3:57pm

Multiple threads on this.

Yes, I have not changed my name. There was no comment whatsoever from friends or family. The only place it's ever been questioned was at the school when I enrolled my children. but that's it.

I got married in my late 20's. I had a lot paperwork coming with me. A professional career, qualifications, mortgage, loans, utilities, bills, subscriptions, credit cards, shares, my will, pensions, various types of insurance, healthcare records, email addresses, web accounts for everything and anything. An identity, if you will. To change my identity part-way through my life was not something I wanted to take on. So I didn't. If I was a younger, didn't have a degree, lived off-grid somehow, I would have considered it.

Kalimah · 20-07-2020 5:16pm

I changed mine in the 80s when it was the custom generally. Probably the only reason I did was because I preferred my husband's name to my own! Most of my family and friends who were teaching, didn't change their names at all but no one ever commented. If I was to go back again I think I'd still change it.

Loveinapril · 20-07-2020 6:04pm

I didn't change my name. Other than my mother in law, it hasn't been an issue. She still refers to me as Mrs Hislastname. I lived a long time with my own name prior to getting married, I saw no reason to change it.

eviltwin · 20-07-2020 8:22pm

Didn’t change mine. Didn’t see the logic.

afkasurfjunkie · 20-07-2020 8:44pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Didn’t change mine. Didn’t see the logic.

Same. It would be a proper pain in the backside to go changing the name on my accounts, passport and everything else I’ve ever signed up to. It’s never been an issue.

meeeeh · 20-07-2020 8:45pm

I did. It's a bit of a pain but so would be keeping my surname. We fly with kids couple times per year and its handier if I have same surname as kids. I don't have irish passport and they do.

I find it a bit annoying how it became some sort of a slight one way or another. It's a non issue, I have no attachment to my old surname and no attachment to my new surname.

jellybear · 20-07-2020 8:47pm

I didn't change my name. Our son has my husband's surname. As a teacher, it would be like changing my first name since I'm called Ms _____ pretty much all day, every day!:D

Dr. Em · 21-07-2020 1:05pm

Thanks for the replies! It is good to hear positive stories. I was caught unawares when my future in-laws were really upset about the idea of me keeping my surname. I don't know if it worth cutting up the peace over it, but the idea of losing my own surname makes me feel sad and I'm hoping they will come around eventually.

Loveinapril · 21-07-2020 1:39pm

Dr. Em wrote: »

I was caught unawares when my future in-laws were really upset about the idea of me keeping my surname. I don't know if it worth cutting up the peace over it, but the idea of losing my own surname makes me feel sad and I'm hoping they will come around eventually.

If you start doing things to suit them now you are setting yourself up for a future of trouble. Stick to what makes you and your partner happy. Otherwise you will run into issues on where you live, what you may name kids, where they go to school etc. It is not worth it!

miezekatze · 21-07-2020 1:48pm

I got married in my thirties and even though I prefer his surname to mine, I decided to keep mine. It just wouldn't have been worth the hassle of having to change my name everywhere. I got a few questions, but the only person who seemed annoyed about it was an elderly aunt of my husband who's very traditional and gets upset whenever someone doesn't do what she thinks is right. Your husband's folks will get over it!

Idle Passerby · 21-07-2020 1:58pm

I kept mine and no one we know batted an eyelid. He has been referred to as Mr. My name by accident a few times and vice versa but that's it really. He was toying with the idea of taking my name when we married but was talked out of it by his parents.

eviltwin · 21-07-2020 2:04pm

Dr. Em wrote: »

Thanks for the replies! It is good to hear positive stories. I was caught unawares when my future in-laws were really upset about the idea of me keeping my surname. I don't know if it worth cutting up the peace over it, but the idea of losing my own surname makes me feel sad and I'm hoping they will come around eventually.

Changing your name to suit your in-laws is extreme. You’ll have to live with it for the rest of your life so be sure you want to do it. I know you don’t want to cause aggro but it’s not their choice.

What does your fiancé think?

pwurple · 21-07-2020 5:27pm

The 'tradition' stance is easily batted away, if you do want to keep your name by the way. Traditions change all the time. otherwise you would be Ní Something, and your brothers would be O'Something...

Traditional irish naming even down to the children's names has changed very recently, even in one generation. Both my parents families, and my husbands parents families are named in this way...

The eldest son after his paternal grandfather

The second son after his maternal grandfather

The third son after his father

The fourth son after his father’s oldest brother

Passports make no difference whatsoever. Spanish children have different surnames to their parents (a combination of part of each), traditional nordic naming the children have a completely different surname to their parents etc. Most spanish speaking countries women don't change their names, same in asian countries. In Italy it's actually ILLEGAL to change your surname, same in Belgium. In Quebec you can't legally change your surname either, the rest of canada you can. In Japan, it's required that married couples have the same name, but they can choose whichever they want.
So for any international travel, the names don't make a tap of difference. Any passport official knows there are a myriad of combinations.

meeeeh · 21-07-2020 5:36pm

Well Irish government advises a bit differently. As I said my passport is not Irish and kids are. While I appreciate the lecture on surnames in different countries I prefer not to carry around marriage cert or birth certificate just in case.

http://www.inis.gov.ie/en/INIS/Pages/travel-with-children

It is advisable to have the following documentation for presentation to an immigration officer to assist with such enquiries:

Evidence that you are a parent or guardian of the child, such as copies or originals of:

A birth or adoption certificate, or guardianship papers showing your relationship with the child
A marriage / divorce certificate if you are the child’s parent but have a different surname to the child

jam_mac_jam · 21-07-2020 5:42pm

I didn't. I might consider it if it really bothered my husband but probably not. There is no way I would do it for his family. I wouldn't be impressed by them even putting pressure on you.

It's really none of their business. Yes they would have input for the children's names but not your name. Do what you want to do not his family. It's a lot of work and it's your name for a long time.

If you have a different surname to your kids nobody cares. So many women do it now people are used to it. Stick a photocopy of the child's birth certificate in passport when going away in case you are asked. Other than that it shouldn't matter.

jam_mac_jam · 21-07-2020 5:47pm

meeeeh wrote: »

Well Irish government advises a bit differently. As I said my passport is not Irish and kids are. While I appreciate the lecture on surnames in different countries I prefer not to carry around marriage cert or birth certificate just in case.

http://www.inis.gov.ie/en/INIS/Pages/travel-with-children

It is advisable to have the following documentation for presentation to an immigration officer to assist with such enquiries:

Evidence that you are a parent or guardian of the child, such as copies or originals of:

A birth or adoption certificate, or guardianship papers showing your relationship with the child
A marriage / divorce certificate if you are the child’s parent but have a different surname to the child

Yeah I would agree with that. I was quizzed entering another country so it definitely can happen.

meeeeh · 21-07-2020 5:51pm

I'm even known under different names in different countries because it annoyed me how my name was butchered by English speaking people. I started using my middle name in Ireland despite never using that one for the first 25 years of my life.

I wouldn't take husband's name just because of the inlaws. Frankly any sensible in laws would accept the decision and that would be the end of it.

strandroad · 21-07-2020 5:51pm

The passport thing only matters for the mother if their children have their father's surname. Not an automatic thing these days either, I know of a few families where children have their mother's or double surname. Because it would die out in the family otherwise; or the mother's parents moved to Europe so she travels often with kids to see them; or that it simply sounds nicer. Anything goes.

Dial Hard · 21-07-2020 5:59pm

The passport/travelling thing always comes up and I find it interesting as experiences seem to vary so much. My brother has five children with three different surnames between them (long story) two of which don't include his in any shape, make or form and he has never had any issues travelling with them without their mother.

The very notion that it's seen as a major deal for children to have a different surname to one of their parents to the point where travel officials see it as an issue bothers me greatly, tbh.

Caranica · 21-07-2020 6:30pm

I double barrelled my passport only and kept my own name otherwise. All this proved rather wise when we split after 7 years of marriage, was easy to get my passport changed back. I know friends who changed their names who had to jump through hoops to get their own name back.

It bugged my ex big time that I didn't take his name, I invited him to take mine but for some reason he wasn't biting

eviltwin · 21-07-2020 6:35pm

The passport thing is more over cautious ground staff as opposed to any airline policy. I worked in aviation for a while and it was the norm to see adults and children with different names travelling for the reasons given by Pwurple. It’s only after high profile cases or allegations of child trafficking that people began to see a difference. To this day I’ve never seen anyone refused travel over it, no airline wants to deal with that.

Cakerbaker · 21-07-2020 6:41pm

eviltwin wrote: »

The passport thing is more over cautious ground staff as opposed to any airline policy. I worked in aviation for a while and it was the norm to see adults and children with different names travelling for the reasons given by Pwurple. It’s only after high profile cases or allegations of child trafficking that people began to see a difference. To this day I’ve never seen anyone refused travel over it, no airline wants to deal with that.

It was immigration officers in Dublin airport that I was questioned by, not airline staff.

99nsr125 · 21-07-2020 6:41pm

Caranica wrote: »

I double barrelled my passport only and kept my own name otherwise. All this proved rather wise when we split after 7 years of marriage, was easy to get my passport changed back. I know friends who changed their names who had to jump through hoops to get their own name back.

It bugged my ex big time that I didn't take his name, I invited him to take mine but for some reason he wasn't biting

Some would argue it shows you're not committed with one eye on the door and undermine the relationship all the time

Caranica · 21-07-2020 7:08pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Some would argue it shows you're not committed with one eye on the door and undermine the relationship all the time

I am very attached to my name, have built up a professional reputation under it and my Dad only has daughters. I was never going to change my name. Double barrelling was a concession to him. Also professionally it was much better if our names were not connected as we had clashing careers in a poacher/gamekeeper kind of way.

I most certainly did not have an eye on the door and the reason for our split came out of nowhere.

meeeeh · 21-07-2020 8:10pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Some would argue it shows you're not committed with one eye on the door and undermine the relationship all the time

While I have no attachment to either of the surnames (or marriage outside practical legal protections) there can be perfectly valid professional reasons why you would want to keep your surname. It certainly doesn't tell you anything about the relationship.

Loveinapril · 21-07-2020 8:11pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Some would argue it shows you're not committed

Those people are stupid.

strandroad · 21-07-2020 8:50pm

meeeeh wrote: »

While I have no attachment to either of the surnames (or marriage outside practical legal protections) there can be perfectly valid professional reasons why you would want to keep your surname. It certainly doesn't tell you anything about the relationship.

Or aesthetic even. A friend kept her surname simply because her own name and her fiances surname rhymed and would become a running joke if said together.

Loveinapril · 21-07-2020 8:57pm

strandroad wrote: »

Or aesthetic even. A friend kept her surname simply because her own name and her fiances surname rhymed and would become a running joke if said together.

And I know of two separate women whose first names sounded exactly like their husband's last names (slightly different spellings) and they STILL changed their names upon marriage!

strandroad · 21-07-2020 9:01pm

Loveinapril wrote: »

And I know of two separate women whose first names sounded exactly like their husband's last names (slightly different spellings) and they STILL changed their names upon marriage!

Do you mean like Hannah Hanna etc.?

Sorry about that · 21-07-2020 9:07pm

I changed my surname because I had the notion that it was somehow nicer (if we were lucky enough to have kids) if we all had the same name. I still like it, but there's a little guilt lurking around for ditching my "real" name.

Loveinapril · 21-07-2020 9:08pm

strandroad wrote: »

Do you mean like Hannah Hanna etc.?

Yeah, exactly that, like Leslie Lesley, Carol Carroll etc. Pure madness!

strandroad · 21-07-2020 9:10pm

Loveinapril wrote: »

Yeah, exactly that, like Leslie Lesley, Carol Carroll etc. Pure madness!

I hope that their husbands were lovely and worth the sacrifice... was it long ago?

Loveinapril · 21-07-2020 9:15pm

strandroad wrote: »

I hope that their husbands were lovely and worth the sacrifice... was it long ago?

One of them worked with a friend of mine years ago and was in her mid- late fifties and the other was in her mid thirties and told me about her name about a year ago. It still makes me smile. Like that footballer's dad Neville Neville! It's like a funny pun that never got old for them.

bee06 · 21-07-2020 9:16pm

Tell them you changed it and the.n don’t bother. Will they even know?

I kind of changed mine. Changed on my bank account but not my credit card (bank didn’t change as requested and I can’t be arsed fixing it). My drivers licence is married name, passport is still maiden name, work I use maiden name. My maiden name is easier to make appointments with over the phone so I still use that. I often forget which name I booked things under and say one name only to get told there’s no booking.

I wish I didn’t bother changing it now!

strandroad · 21-07-2020 9:18pm

Loveinapril wrote: »

One of them worked with a friend of mine years ago and was in her mid- late fifties and the other was in her mid thirties and told me about her name about a year ago. It still makes me smile. Like that footballer's dad Neville Neville! It's like a funny pun that never got old for them.

Neville Neville is actually easier to manage since both are identical, but your ladies signed up for a lifetime of spelling their names repeatedly for people on the phone, and them still getting it wrong!

Loveinapril · 21-07-2020 9:20pm

strandroad wrote: »

but your ladies signed up for a lifetime of spelling their names repeatedly for people on the phone, and them still getting it wrong!

This is exactly how I learnt of one of the women's names, she phoned my job for something and had to give her name. She obviously has to tell the story a lot! It is a bit "huh?".

Feisar · 21-07-2020 9:23pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Some would argue it shows you're not committed with one eye on the door and undermine the relationship all the time

Huh? Male here, married two years, wife took my name however totally her shout as I made it clear I didn’t care either way.

jam_mac_jam · 21-07-2020 9:24pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Some would argue it shows you're not committed with one eye on the door and undermine the relationship all the time

Some would argue that he should do it.

strandroad · 21-07-2020 9:25pm

Loveinapril wrote: »

This is exactly how I learnt of one of the women's names, she phoned my job for something and had to give her name. She obviously has to tell the story a lot! It is a bit "huh?".

I'm sure she has, my own first name is simple but easily misspelled (think Clare/Claire etc) and no matter how much I try to explain people still get it wrong, I don't include it in my email address or it wouldn't reach me.

KiKi III · 21-07-2020 9:30pm

99nsr125 wrote: »

Some would argue it shows you're not committed with one eye on the door and undermine the relationship all the time

I know this sounds daft on it’s face, but my parents married in the mid-80s when keeping your maiden name would have been fairly uncommon but my Mam did. They have had a rocky marriage and I do wonder sometimes if she kept her name out of a fear the marriage wouldn’t last.

meeeeh · 21-07-2020 9:30pm

strandroad wrote: »

I hope that their husbands were lovely and worth the sacrifice... was it long ago?

Why do you think it was a sacrifice? Maybe they wanted to for whatever reason.

strandroad · 21-07-2020 9:33pm

meeeeh wrote: »

Why do you think it was a sacrifice? Maybe they wanted to for whatever reason.

See the rest of the thread, it complicates your life to have a name combo that is easily misspelled and requires explanation.

meeeeh · 21-07-2020 9:35pm

strandroad wrote: »

See the rest of the thread, it complicates your life to have a name combo that is easily misspelled and requires explanation.

I did. I think the whole conversation was a bit condescending implying poor downtrodden dears are being subjugated to their husband.

strandroad · 21-07-2020 9:40pm

meeeeh wrote: »

I did. I think the whole conversation was a bit condescending implying poor downtrodden dears are being subjugated to their husband.

Not my intention, I just happen to know how people get even a plain name wrong if there's any tiniest room for error so it surprised me that people volunteer for that!

99nsr125 · 22-07-2020 1:59am

meeeeh wrote: »

While I have no attachment to either of the surnames (or marriage outside practical legal protections) there can be perfectly valid professional reasons why you would want to keep your surname. It certainly doesn't tell you anything about the relationship.

And if there's no reason then it does tell us something.

You end up with a different name to your children.

Husband and children share a common connection but mom doesn't what does that convey to your children . . .

Airyfairy12 · 22-07-2020 4:45am

The only issue I can see with keeping your name is one partner potentially having a different surname to the children but in the wider scale of things it's not really a big deal. Lots of children have the surname of one or both their parents, they could easily have a joint surname.
Personally I wouldnt change my last name, my name is part of my identity and I feel that taking a husband's name is quite old fashioned anyway and would be more hassle than it's worth with having to change passports, bank details, cards and everything else but thats just me. I dont think theres any pressure on women to change their name anymore.

Recliner · 22-07-2020 5:11am

I'm surprised it's even a question someone would ask. Honestly I've no idea if any of the married women I know changed their names or not.
Would it actually be a question a bride to he would be asked? Or are people making a point of stating that they are/are not changing to get a reaction?

splinter65 · 22-07-2020 5:27am

Dr. Em wrote: »

Has anyone here kept their surname after marriage rather than taking their husband's surname? How was it received by friends and family? Do you think there is less pressure on women to change their surname than in previous generations, or is it much the same?

Nobody expects anyone to take their husbands name now. Any pressure from older family members should be brushed aside and totally ignored. Do whatever you want but don’t turn it into an issue.

splinter65 · 22-07-2020 5:34am

Dr. Em wrote: »

Thanks for the replies! It is good to hear positive stories. I was caught unawares when my future in-laws were really upset about the idea of me keeping my surname. I don't know if it worth cutting up the peace over it, but the idea of losing my own surname makes me feel sad and I'm hoping they will come around eventually.

You don’t have any responsibility for their happiness at all. Be kind of course and always polite but if they’re “really upset” then take that as a warning that they’re expecting to have a lot of say in your marriage to their son.

eviltwin · 22-07-2020 8:00am

99nsr125 wrote: »

And if there's no reason then it does tell us something.

You end up with a different name to your children.

Husband and children share a common connection but mom doesn't what does that convey to your children . . .

You don’t need to share a surname to have a good connection with your kids. What a bizarre thought.

Keeping surname after marriage

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