Broke up with girlfriend but now I want her back

LegacyUser · 03-08-2020 10:12am #1

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. I found out she had drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out early in our relationship and she lied about it. It was a while ago and I'm not even sure if we were official at the time but it still hurt, but mostly because of the lies. I loved her and still do but she broke my trust and I feel I broke up with her in the heat of the moment. I walked away feeling that I would never set eyes on her again. Now I'm regretting saying those things and want to make it work again.

We have been no contact since the break up but we still follow each other on Instagram. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and she hasn't blocked me. I noticed that she has started to hide her Instagram stories from me but is still watching mine. I'm not sure what this means. Maybe she thinks I hate her and doesn't want me to see what she is doing in her life but still cares for me and watches my stories.

I want to make the point to her that this is a big deal but not such a big deal that we can't work through this in time. At the same time I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it. I think a break apart would be good to think about what happened but I didn't get a chance to say it. I think she feels that this break up is permanent which I thought it was at the time when I said it but now really want her back.

What should I do?

MildThing84 · 03-08-2020 8:35pm

You've answered your own question. You want to make it work again.

Pick up the phone and arrange to meet her, tell her she hurt you and gauge how sorry she might be over the whole thing and go from there. If she is remorseful and sorry for the hurt you will know.

osarusan · 03-08-2020 8:43pm

The ball's in your court.

You'll need to put aside the idea of being 'weak' and contact her.

Say that you were upset and hurt but after calming down you think you overreacted and you'd like to meet and discuss starting again, if she's interested in having that discussion too.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2020 9:31am

I decided to reach out and messaged her saying that I didn't like how things ended. I said to her that she lied and truly hurt me and that I won't forget it, but at the same time that I don't hate her and don't want there to be bad blood between us.

She replied with a lot of apologies which seemed very genuine. She said she's been thinking about it non stop since we broke up and she said she messed up something with a great guy. She never asked to be forgiven or for me to take her back, but seems to have a lot of guilt.

I don't know where to go from here. I told her that she should be truthful with herself as to why it happened and try to get herself back on track. I didn't say anything about getting back together, or even mention any possibility of meeting up, at least not yet. I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done. I'm just not there yet as it's all too soon.

bitofabind · 04-08-2020 5:32pm

Why don't you try being honest instead of playing mind games? It seems like you're torn between wanting to move forward with her and wanting to punish her. You don't get to do both - making her run rings around you so you don't feel 'weak' is toxic behaviour as bad as her dishonesty about kissing someone else in the first place.

Try this: You really hurt me. But I overreacted in the moment and I don't want to throw away a great relationship if this is something we can work through together. Can we take things slowly?

LegacyUser · 04-08-2020 7:28pm

bitofabind wrote: »

Why don't you try being honest instead of playing mind games? It seems like you're torn between wanting to move forward with her and wanting to punish her. You don't get to do both - making her run rings around you so you don't feel 'weak' is toxic behaviour as bad as her dishonesty about kissing someone else in the first place.

Try this: You really hurt me. But I overreacted in the moment and I don't want to throw away a great relationship if this is something we can work through together. Can we take things slowly?

It wasn't meant to be some kind of mind game or me wanting to punish her. She already feels awful. I know I probably shouldn't feel sympathy for her after she intentionally lied to me, but I do. All I want is to be able to trust her again and not risk being taken advantage of.

I think your suggestion is really good, but my worry is that she won't see lying as a big deal if I'm going back to her and asking to give it another go. Maybe that is playing games, I don't know. I'm worried about making myself vulnerable and getting burned a second time. I guess that's the risk I need to be willing to make for this to work.

I think I've been reading too many web pages about getting back with exes and they say to go "no contact" and wait for her to reach out first. It all seems to be some sort of game or strategy. Might be getting lost in bad advice on pages that are just looking for clicks.

rainbowtrout · 04-08-2020 7:38pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

She never asked to be forgiven or for me to take her back, but seems to have a lot of guilt.

I don't know where to go from here. I told her that she should be truthful with herself as to why it happened and try to get herself back on track. I didn't say anything about getting back together, or even mention any possibility of meeting up, at least not yet. I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done. I'm just not there yet as it's all too soon.

You seem more interested in scoring points off her than getting back with her. You talk about not wanting to look weak even though you're the one that broke up with her, and 'she thinks it's permanent'. Well, why wouldn't she? You told her it was over. Yes, you had a valid reason for breaking up, but you don't get to break up and then decide that you'll get back with her when she's done enough grovelling. You might find that she's moved on in the meantime.

If you want to get back with her, then tell her that up front and work through the problem, if not, then let her go rather than trying to play mind games. She might just decide you're not worth the hassle.

leggo · 04-08-2020 9:04pm

bitofabind wrote: »

Why don't you try being honest instead of playing mind games? It seems like you're torn between wanting to move forward with her and wanting to punish her. You don't get to do both - making her run rings around you so you don't feel 'weak' is toxic behaviour as bad as her dishonesty about kissing someone else in the first place.

Try this: You really hurt me. But I overreacted in the moment and I don't want to throw away a great relationship if this is something we can work through together. Can we take things slowly?

This is the correct advice, got it in one.

I feel a bit more sympathetic for the OP than most seem to here tbh. When your trust is broken and you learn someone you cared for has lied to you, you’re caught between an instinct of not being able to flick a switch and stop caring about them and not wanting to be made a mug of because you haven’t fully understood or processed why they lied. You want to know if you can trust them but are aware they’ve already lied so can’t take their word as gospel as you maybe would’ve before. I think this is what the OP is speaking about here rather than deliberately trying to play games. Or maybe they’re subconsciously picking up on something and this is instinctive. Even when we’re reeling our brains have a way of thinking straight sometimes and protecting us while we wait for the emotions to catch up.

Still though OP, I feel the above course is the best solution if this is how you’re feeling. Even with tough break ups, if it’s right we tend to know, and we can be sad about that but still know in our gut it’s the right call. Your gut seems to be telling you otherwise.

JasonStatham · 04-08-2020 10:08pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. I found out she had drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out early in our relationship and she lied about it. It was a while ago and I'm not even sure if we were official at the time but it still hurt, but mostly because of the lies. I loved her and still do but she broke my trust and I feel I broke up with her in the heat of the moment. I walked away feeling that I would never set eyes on her again. Now I'm regretting saying those things and want to make it work again.

We have been no contact since the break up but we still follow each other on Instagram. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and she hasn't blocked me. I noticed that she has started to hide her Instagram stories from me but is still watching mine. I'm not sure what this means. Maybe she thinks I hate her and doesn't want me to see what she is doing in her life but still cares for me and watches my stories.

I want to make the point to her that this is a big deal but not such a big deal that we can't work through this in time. At the same time I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it. I think a break apart would be good to think about what happened but I didn't get a chance to say it. I think she feels that this break up is permanent which I thought it was at the time when I said it but now really want her back.

What should I do?

The real question is, what else has she lied about, that you don't know about. Odd behaviour with that Instagram thing too. This relationship has all the potential-de-jour for festering toxicity

No, I'd definitely be outta there, if it was me. I'd be after a girl with less drama. Life's too short.

bitofabind · 05-08-2020 12:19pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

I think your suggestion is really good, but my worry is that she won't see lying as a big deal if I'm going back to her and asking to give it another go. Maybe that is playing games, I don't know. I'm worried about making myself vulnerable and getting burned a second time. I guess that's the risk I need to be willing to make for this to work.

I get it. You don't want to get hurt again. That's human. However, right now that fear is causing you to play games, 'test' her, and behave passive-aggressively instead of leading with the things that are clearly valuable to you - trust and honesty.

Your ex KNOWS what she did is not ok. You've broken up with her over it and she's clearly wracked with guilt. You've expressed how much it hurt you. Telling her that you want to work on things isn't a green light to her lying again. It's you expressing you want to work on things. Try leading with trust and honesty: "You crossed a major line for me and it's impacted on my trust in you. That needs to be built up again. But I care about you and I'd like to see if we can work on this"

Learning how to communicate like this, uncomfortable as it is, will reap so many benefits in all of your relationships in life.

MissShihTzu · 05-08-2020 12:36pm

I'm not being funny, OP. But there seems to be a bit of mixed messaging going on. Quite simply 'Do you want this to work or not?'

Why don't you CALL her (not message or text) and tell her something along the lines of what bitofabind said? Invite her out for a coffee and tell her. Doesn't have to be a full on date - a casual coffee to put your cards on the table and then there's no doubt.

Full and honest communication is key. That's the mature way to handle it.Stop playing the mind games and he said, she said. That's childish!

Good luck!

LegacyUser · 05-08-2020 2:53pm

I've already posted a reply, but I don't think it's been approved yet.

Just another thing I want to say, I'm very surprised at the responses I've gotten here. I'll be honest and say that I've been browsing articles and other forums and a lot of people say that once someone lies you can never forgive them.

It's somewhat reassuring that a lot of you think that there's hope (judging by the replies and thanked posts).

If I was to look at everything on paper I would probably walk away as there seems to be a higher risk of being lied to again. But there's so much emotion involved that I feel I can't walk away from this. I really want this to work, but I am also afraid that it will fail based on some other things I've read and advice I've received.

It's eating me up inside trying to figure out what to do.

utyh2ikcq9z76b · 05-08-2020 4:25pm

Have some self respect and move on

cannotlogin · 05-08-2020 4:33pm

Imo, there's often a little bit of a grey area at the start of most relationships before people get serious about each other that sometimes things happen. Most people never find out about them as they would damage something good - your relationship being case in point. Maybe this is why she didn't tell you before & why most don't, it may have finished something before it even began.

As you said, you don't even know if you were going out at the time. It's a bit Ross/Rachel we were on a break sort of thing.

Judge her from when you came serious, not from before. If you want her back, call her, let her know that while you were hurt you probably overreacted in hindsight and would like to see if you can get back what you guys had.

bitofabind · 05-08-2020 5:54pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

I'll be honest and say that I've been browsing articles and other forums and a lot of people say that once someone lies you can never forgive them.

A word of advice? Try not to look outside of yourself so much when you're making these personal life decisions. No-one knows your circumstances, your girlfriend and your relationship except you, certainly not a bunch of articles you've googled about "what to do when your ex has kissed someone else" and the thing about opinions is that they're like a*seholes, everyone has one

So the process of gathering opinions and looking for consensus and permission on what to do next is just going to get more and more confusing as you go along. Try to look inward instead. Do you want to walk away from this relationship? You've expressed a few times now that you don't. You're pleasantly surprised by advice that doesn't tell you to let your ex burn in hell. Dig a bit deeper on that sentiment and make a plan. You don't want it to be over. You think it's salvageable and the relationship wasn't defined at the time and your ex is full of remorse. What next?

MissShihTzu · 05-08-2020 8:02pm

Look - You can read all the books and read all the advice given by us as internet strangers on a forum. All good, but in the end, only YOU can decide what you want to do. Ask yourself 'What do I want?

This kiss happened when drink was taken and you weren't yet going steady. Not a big deal, in my book, but different people react in different ways. If this had happened when you were steady, then that's a whole other ball game, and I personally would handle it differently.

But I would reiterate - Only you can decide whether this is a show-stopper or not. Once you sort out your head, you should then take decisive action.

Tork · 05-08-2020 8:05pm

You need to get off the internet and stop trying to find your answers in other peoples' experiences. That's going to torment you every bit as much as the indecision. None of us knows you, knows your girlfriend or what your relationship was like. So just like every relationship is different, so will the advice. The only way you can find your answer to this is to sit down with her in person (DO NOT do this over Whatsapp) and have an honest conversation about this. There is no point in trying to figure out how this should end by scouring the internet. The answer lies in the pair of you talking honestly and openly about this and deciding what to do from there.

LegacyUser · 05-08-2020 10:55pm

Thanks everyone. I do realise that this is my decision and my decision alone. Ultimately I came on looking for advice and to be honest, affirmation that it's okay to go back to her. Literally every forum post I read about cheating or lying everyone says to dump them or that they will just do it again if you take them back.

Maybe my situation is just that little bit different. I do wonder if I would have gotten the same advice if I came to you after she had just done it, or if it happened after we fully agreed to be exclusive or if we were official. Also if it was a girl asking the same thing about a guy who kissed another girl would there have been the same reaction.

I'm kind of getting off track but it's amazing how small details matter when scouring the Internet for advice.

LilacNails · 05-08-2020 11:02pm

You seem to really love her.... I think u should give it another shot... It'll be the only way of knowing wheather it's meant to be.

Tork · 05-08-2020 11:13pm

This official/not yet official business is a minefield anyway. Sometimes it translates as "I don't know where I stand". So if your girlfriend wasn't actually in an exclusive relationship and drunkenly kissed this other fella, what was she doing wrong? I can't stand liars but what happened here could be a case of a minor lie escalating into a mess your girlfriend couldn't get out of. If you believe this lie, stemming from a minor transgression, is out of character then you'd be mad to throw it all away.

Hannibal_Smith · 06-08-2020 7:08am

How long are you together? If this kiss happened at the start, how long ago is that now? Has she done anything since? And how did you find out?

I think if it was midway through a serious relationship that it happened, it would be different. A stupid drunken kiss at the start when everything isn't official isn't the same.

I get that it hurts and you don't want to be a push over by brushing over it. But you said in your first post and indeed your thread title that you want her back. All the things you read on the Internet aren't altogether relevant because they're not privy to your specific situation, we are to a certain extent. I would imagine they're talking about cheating in a fully official relationship?

There's no set of rules or official time line for forgiveness. Either you want her back and to move on, or you don't. No one is forcing you here.

This limbo land can't be good for either of you.

Gruffalux · 06-08-2020 7:32am

billythekid90 wrote: »

scouring the Internet for advice.

Plus maintaining your Instagram "stories"...

Maybe there 's your biggest issue.
Go for a long walk by the sea or get lost in a forest for the day. Better still grab a tent and head to an offshore island for a week. Just bring a non wifi phone - cheap one in shop on the way - so you can get or make urgent calls. Bring a notebook and pens. A big fat book. Rent a bicycle. See how you feel about things after a week or a month of no internet and repeatedly circumambulating an island.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2020 8:15am

Tork wrote: »

This official/not yet official business is a minefield anyway. Sometimes it translates as "I don't know where I stand". So if your girlfriend wasn't actually in an exclusive relationship and drunkenly kissed this other fella, what was she doing wrong? I can't stand liars but what happened here could be a case of a minor lie escalating into a mess your girlfriend couldn't get out of. If you believe this lie, stemming from a minor transgression, is out of character then you'd be mad to throw it all away.

Well we were dating for maybe 2.5 months at the time. I recall having a very loose conversation that we weren't seeing anyone else. I don't know if that constitutes seeing anyone else when it was a once off thing. That's why my head is a bit muddled.

She did say that she dug herself into a hole that she couldn't get out of and felt that she had to keep up the lie.

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

How long are you together? If this kiss happened at the start, how long ago is that now? Has she done anything since? And how did you find out?

I think if it was midway through a serious relationship that it happened, it would be different. A stupid drunken kiss at the start when everything isn't official isn't the same.

I get that it hurts and you don't want to be a push over by brushing over it. But you said in your first post and indeed your thread title that you want her back. All the things you read on the Internet aren't altogether relevant because they're not privy to your specific situation, we are to a certain extent. I would imagine they're talking about cheating in a fully official relationship?

There's no set of rules or official time line for forgiveness. Either you want her back and to move on, or you don't. No one is forcing you here.

This limbo land can't be good for either of you.

We were together 7 months when I broke up with her so the kiss happened about 4.5 months ago I suppose. Not a very long relationship, but very long for me. She hasn't done anything else that I'm aware of. The only thing I can think of is her fishing for likes on social media by putting up revealing photos and the odd flirty comment.

I found out about the kiss through one of her friends (mentioned in a previous post).

The break up is still fresh in my mind and am worried that I'm letting emotions cloud my judgement. Before the break up I thought about her occasionally during the day, which I think is normal, but now it's every waking moment.

Is it better to reach out sooner rather than later? One part of me thinks I should give it a few weeks so that I can gather my thoughts and make sure what I'm feeling now isn't just momentary and that I am willing to take her back. The other part feels horrible right now and the longer I wait the worse it will get and potentially lose her forever if she decides to move on.

Tork · 06-08-2020 10:40am

I think you need to talk to her sooner rather than later and decide whether you believe her and trust her. I don't know what new insights you'll gain by running this through your brain for the millionth time.

osarusan · 06-08-2020 12:01pm

You need to work out what you actually want.

Now, it seems like you want her back, but you want her to be the one to come back to you, but even then, only after she has had suitable penance. You can play that game but it likely won't work out how you hope.

At the moment, you're a guy who (understandably) broke up with her and who is now sending her messages about how she needs to 'get herself back on track'. Those messages aren't doing anything positive for you.

Work out what you actually want, then contact her.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2020 1:49pm

osarusan wrote: »

You need to work out what you actually want.

Now, it seems like you want her back, but you want her to be the one to come back to you, but even then, only after she has had suitable penance. You can play that game but it likely won't work out how you hope.

At the moment, you're a guy who (understandably) broke up with her and who is now sending her messages about how she needs to 'get herself back on track'. Those messages aren't doing anything positive for you.

Work out what you actually want, then contact her.

What I want is to be in a trusting relationship with her. Being in a relationship is the easy part. Trusting her is much more difficult.

I don't think I can know if I can trust her until I speak to her again and maybe see her a few times. It's all in my head at the moment and I think speaking face to face will give me a vibe of how I really feel.

Me not going back to tell her what I want is a bit of a defence mechanism I must admit. I tend to keep things bottled up for fear of rejection or being hurt. Maybe I should just take the plunge. You only life once and I don't want to live a life of regrets.

Yellow pack crisps · 07-08-2020 12:11am

billythekid90 wrote: »

What I want is to be in a trusting relationship with her. Being in a relationship is the easy part. Trusting her is much more difficult.

I don't think I can know if I can trust her until I speak to her again and maybe see her a few times. It's all in my head at the moment and I think speaking face to face will give me a vibe of how I really feel.

Me not going back to tell her what I want is a bit of a defence mechanism I must admit. I tend to keep things bottled up for fear of rejection or being hurt. Maybe I should just take the plunge. You only life once and I don't want to live a life of regrets.

Has it occurred to you she may not want to get back with you? From what I’ve read she hasn’t apologized for what happened and apart from feeling guilty, doesn’t seem that eager to make it up to you.

Hannibal_Smith · 07-08-2020 7:19am

I think you're doing the right thing OP. You're taking your time and trying to evaluate everything. But in order to do that you need to have a conversation with her. Otherwise you're just filling in the gaps with guesswork.

You care a lot about her that's clear. It's not like you were a couple of weeks in. You were a couple of months in and that has to hurt.

If you move on you have to be sure you're not holding on to any resentment and I guess that's part of the reason you're taking a step back to get more of an even view.

Talk to her and see how she feels. If she has moved on, you've lost someone who snogged someone else two months in and was so little invested that they moved on straight away. But at least for your own peace of mind you'll have tried, which is not the same as losing face.

elefant · 07-08-2020 8:23am

I'd have 2 pieces of advice for if you do get back together:

1. Don't trash her to your friends. This might sound obvious, but don't go around telling people why you were on a break in the first place.

2. Don't continue to use this incident as a point of argument in the future. If you're ever having a fight about something, don't bring it up.

Basically, if you decide to forgive her, do it completely. To do otherwise is to doom the relationship regardless.

LegacyUser · 07-08-2020 12:14pm

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Has it occurred to you she may not want to get back with you? From what I’ve read she hasn’t apologized for what happened and apart from feeling guilty, doesn’t seem that eager to make it up to you.

She did apologise profusely. She said it was a stupid mistake and she ruined something with a great guy that she loved.

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I think you're doing the right thing OP. You're taking your time and trying to evaluate everything. But in order to do that you need to have a conversation with her. Otherwise you're just filling in the gaps with guesswork.

You care a lot about her that's clear. It's not like you were a couple of weeks in. You were a couple of months in and that has to hurt.

If you move on you have to be sure you're not holding on to any resentment and I guess that's part of the reason you're taking a step back to get more of an even view.

Talk to her and see how she feels. If she has moved on, you've lost someone who snogged someone else two months in and was so little invested that they moved on straight away. But at least for your own peace of mind you'll have tried, which is not the same as losing face.

I sent her a message to meet for a coffee. She took a long while to reply (maybe she need to sleep on it) but said yes, followed by "have I said anything to mess up again?". Seems like she is still worried about what she says. Kind of ties in with her hiding some of her social media posts too I guess.

elefant wrote: »

I'd have 2 pieces of advice for if you do get back together:

1. Don't trash her to your friends. This might sound obvious, but don't go around telling people why you were on a break in the first place.

2. Don't continue to use this incident as a point of argument in the future. If you're ever having a fight about something, don't bring it up.

Basically, if you decide to forgive her, do it completely. To do otherwise is to doom the relationship regardless.

Unfortunately I've told a few friends that we broke up because of trust issues. I didn't go into the minute details of it but none of them said anything bad about her after I said it.

I think the phrase "forgive but not forget" needs to come into play for a short while at least. I don't think I will let it go completely until I feel the trust is there again. If I don't feel that I can trust her again I wouldn't continue things.

Midnight Sundance · 07-08-2020 10:24pm

I know you have been hurt and dont want to get hurt again but I really feel like your are not going to forgive and definitely won't forget.
Relationships are based on trust. Unless you can truly forgive her and put what she did behind you then I wouldn't be bothered trying to make this work.
What she did was not nice, i can understand the lies after cos it happened before you were exclusive or so i am led to believe from your posts
Breaking up with her has been a punishment for her by the sounds of it.
If you want this to work out then you forget about any games/what makes you seem weak/punishing her etc
And you talk about your feelings, no texting, be honest with yourself and her, only then will you both be able to move on. Don't move on if u are not willing to move past this!!

Tork · 08-08-2020 10:55am

billythekid90 wrote:

Seems like she is still worried about what she says. Kind of ties in with her hiding some of her social media posts too I guess.

Wait, what?

I had been advocating having a conversation with her to trash this out but the more I read of your posts, the more I think this is doomed. The trust is gone and once that goes, there is no hope. This isn't just about your girlfriend kissing some bloke and lying to cover it up. It's now encompassing hidden social media posts and god knows what else. By all means, talk to her and stop analysing it to death. It's your gut you need to pay attention to here, not people on online forums. If you can't bring yourself to trust her and foresee a future where you'll be doubting her, it's better to cut your losses now.

08-08-2020 11:28am

billythekid90 wrote: »

I broke up with my girlfriend last week. I found out she had drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out early in our relationship and she lied about it. It was a while ago and I'm not even sure if we were official at the time but it still hurt, but mostly because of the lies. I loved her and still do but she broke my trust and I feel I broke up with her in the heat of the moment. I walked away feeling that I would never set eyes on her again. Now I'm regretting saying those things and want to make it work again.

We have been no contact since the break up but we still follow each other on Instagram. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and she hasn't blocked me. I noticed that she has started to hide her Instagram stories from me but is still watching mine. I'm not sure what this means. Maybe she thinks I hate her and doesn't want me to see what she is doing in her life but still cares for me and watches my stories.

I want to make the point to her that this is a big deal but not such a big deal that we can't work through this in time. At the same time I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it. I think a break apart would be good to think about what happened but I didn't get a chance to say it. I think she feels that this break up is permanent which I thought it was at the time when I said it but now really want her back.

What should I do?

Did you have an angry confrontation with her when you broke up? Maybe she saw a side of you that she had never seen before.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2020 11:56am

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

I know you have been hurt and dont want to get hurt again but I really feel like your are not going to forgive and definitely won't forget.
Relationships are based on trust. Unless you can truly forgive her and put what she did behind you then I wouldn't be bothered trying to make this work.
What she did was not nice, i can understand the lies after cos it happened before you were exclusive or so i am led to believe from your posts
Breaking up with her has been a punishment for her by the sounds of it.
If you want this to work out then you forget about any games/what makes you seem weak/punishing her etc
And you talk about your feelings, no texting, be honest with yourself and her, only then will you both be able to move on. Don't move on if u are not willing to move past this!!

I think I will be able to forgive as she has never slighted me in any other way since we started dating. It seems like a stupid mistake she made and kept digging a hole for herself by not telling me and lying. But trust is another thing altogether. I think it could be repaired, but it may take time.

Tork wrote: »

Wait, what?

I had been advocating having a conversation with her to trash this out but the more I read of your posts, the more I think this is doomed. The trust is gone and once that goes, there is no hope. This isn't just about your girlfriend kissing some bloke and lying to cover it up. It's now encompassing hidden social media posts and god knows what else. By all means, talk to her and stop analysing it to death. It's your gut you need to pay attention to here, not people on online forums. If you can't bring yourself to trust her and foresee a future where you'll be doubting her, it's better to cut your losses now.

She only started hiding posts from me post breakup. I don't see it related to trust at all. I only see it as her not trying to hurt my feelings. I've done 'no contact' with exes after break ups and see it akin to that.

Deleted User wrote: »

Did you have an angry confrontation with her when you broke up? Maybe she saw a side of you that she had never seen before.

No I wasn't angry at all. It was more me being very upset and disappointed. I was very critical of her saying things like 'I can't believe you've thrown away this relationship', but no personal attacks or anger involved.

rainbowtrout · 08-08-2020 12:12pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

Unfortunately I've told a few friends that we broke up because of trust issues. I didn't go into the minute details of it but none of them said anything bad about her after I said it.

I think the phrase "forgive but not forget" needs to come into play for a short while at least. I don't think I will let it go completely until I feel the trust is there again. If I don't feel that I can trust her again I wouldn't continue things.

Forgive but not forget? If you want this to work you have to move on and start with a clean slate. If you hold this over her and it becomes a thing, the relationship won’t last.

You’re more interested in having control and playing mind games than salvaging this relationship. She had apologised for something that may not have even been cheating by your own admission. I’d say let her go and let her find someone better.

KiKi III · 08-08-2020 12:19pm

You’re saying she cheated when you’re not really sure if you were exclusive yet or not, and you’re policing her social media for content you deem too flirty. Seven months in.

Stay broken up, for her sake.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2020 12:50pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Forgive but not forget? If you want this to work you have to move on and start with a clean slate. If you hold this over her and it becomes a thing, the relationship won’t last.

You’re more interested in having control and playing mind games than salvaging this relationship. She had apologised for something that may not have even been cheating by your own admission. I’d say let her go and let her find someone better.

I mean not forget in a literal sense. I don't mean it like it's on my mind and would hold it over her. I mean it as in it's impossible to forget something that caused you to break up!

I am the least controlling person you could meet and hate games. Probably to my detriment. From my posts you can see that I want to reach out, but I'm hearing advice from friends and online about not messaging first etc. and wasn't sure what I should do.

KiKi III wrote: »

You’re saying she cheated when you’re not really sure if you were exclusive yet or not, and you’re policing her social media for content you deem too flirty. Seven months in.

Stay broken up, for her sake.

I think you're missing what I'm saying. It was the hiding and lying about it that was the real issue. When someone lies to you about something you start questioning everything they've done in the past. I think it would have all played out differently if she said it was true when I asked her about it instead of denying it so strongly.

And I wasn't 'policing' her social media. I was asked if she had done anything like the kiss since. I said no and looking back the only thing remotely close was the odd flirty comment.

KiKi III · 08-08-2020 1:21pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

I mean not forget in a literal sense. I don't mean it like it's on my mind and would hold it over her. I mean it as in it's impossible to forget something that caused you to break up!

I am the least controlling person you could meet and hate games. Probably to my detriment. From my posts you can see that I want to reach out, but I'm hearing advice from friends and online about not messaging first etc. and wasn't sure what I should do.

I think you're missing what I'm saying. It was the hiding and lying about it that was the real issue. When someone lies to you about something you start questioning everything they've done in the past. I think it would have all played out differently if she said it was true when I asked her about it instead of denying it so strongly.

And I wasn't 'policing' her social media. I was asked if she had done anything like the kiss since. I said no and looking back the only thing remotely close was the odd flirty comment.

I’m not missing what you’re saying. I think your attitude to this reunion is unhealthy and I don’t think it will be good for either of you.

You don’t seem to be coming at this in the spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation. You just miss her because you really liked her, but you don’t feel you can trust her so you need to just let it go and meet someone else.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2020 1:53pm

KiKi III wrote: »

I’m not missing what you’re saying. I think your attitude to this reunion is unhealthy and I don’t think it will be good for either of you.

You don’t seem to be coming at this in the spirit of forgiveness and reconciliation. You just miss her because you really liked her, but you don’t feel you can trust her so you need to just let it go and meet someone else.

It's too soon to say how I feel without speaking with her face to face. I have a lot going on in this head of mine.

I think it might be best if I just talk to her, say how I'm feeling, say how she's feeling. probably the best outcome would be a bit of time apart.

rainbowtrout · 08-08-2020 3:10pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

I mean not forget in a literal sense. I don't mean it like it's on my mind and would hold it over her. I mean it as in it's impossible to forget something that caused you to break up!

I am the least controlling person you could meet and hate games. Probably to my detriment. From my posts you can see that I want to reach out, but I'm hearing advice from friends and online about not messaging first etc. and wasn't sure what I should do.

I think you're missing what I'm saying. It was the hiding and lying about it that was the real issue. When someone lies to you about something you start questioning everything they've done in the past. I think it would have all played out differently if she said it was true when I asked her about it instead of denying it so strongly.

And I wasn't 'policing' her social media. I was asked if she had done anything like the kiss since. I said no and looking back the only thing remotely close was the odd flirty comment.

All of your posts are about ‘not making the first move’ and ‘not wanting to be the one to text’. Even her response to your latest communication was generally ‘what have I done wrong now?’ With her ‘have I done anything to mess up again’.

If you want to get back with her then ring her, not text her, and tell her that. She’s apologised to you. She can’t do much more. So you either want to get back with her or you don’t. But you seem to enjoy wallowing in the drama of it all rather than doing something about it. If you want her, go and talk to her. If not let her go, she will find someone else.

Finally you mention that she took a long time to respond to your message about meeting for coffee. You reckon she had to sleep on it. You broke up with her, she is a free agent and is not obliged to meet you or respond to you in a timely manner. Why would she want to when it’s likely to be more accusations and guilt when she’s already apologised. She doesn’t need the hassle.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2020 3:35pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

All of your posts are about ‘not making the first move’ and ‘not wanting to be the one to text’. Even her response to your latest communication was generally ‘what have I done wrong now?’ With her ‘have I done anything to mess up again’.

If you want to get back with her then ring her, not text her, and tell her that. She’s apologised to you. She can’t do much more. So you either want to get back with her or you don’t. But you seem to enjoy wallowing in the drama of it all rather than doing something about it. If you want her, go and talk to her. If not let her go, she will find someone else.

Finally you mention that she took a long time to respond to your message about meeting for coffee. You reckon she had to sleep on it. You broke up with her, she is a free agent and is not obliged to meet you or respond to you in a timely manner. Why would she want to when it’s likely to be more accusations and guilt when she’s already apologised. She doesn’t need the hassle.

I messaged her to meet up to talk so I did make the move because I didn't want to play games any more. Do you thinking ringing is better? I thought face to face would be the right thing to do.

Either way she hasn't responded to my suggested time and venue. I did tell her that there would be no judgement and just wanted to chat about us. If she doesn't want to meet, as you say she's a free agent. No answer is an answer I guess.

I need to draw a line in the sand one way or the other and it will definitely be this weekend.

rainbowtrout · 09-08-2020 12:48am

billythekid90 wrote: »

I messaged her to meet up to talk so I did make the move because I didn't want to play games any more. Do you thinking ringing is better? I thought face to face would be the right thing to do.

Either way she hasn't responded to my suggested time and venue. I did tell her that there would be no judgement and just wanted to chat about us. If she doesn't want to meet, as you say she's a free agent. No answer is an answer I guess.

I need to draw a line in the sand one way or the other and it will definitely be this weekend.

Oh face to face is better, but in terms of communication by phone, a lot of context can get lost in text, not knowing the tone in which it was intended. There's too much time to read into why she spent so much time before she replied. Ring, have the conversation and you get an answer straight away.

Aseth · 09-08-2020 7:39am

billythekid90 wrote: »

I think the phrase "forgive but not forget" needs to come into play for a short while at least. I don't think I will let it go completely until I feel the trust is there again. If I don't feel that I can trust her again I wouldn't continue things.

OP, I think you are overthinking this. It was a kiss, she admitted it was a mistake as was lying to you. I do get that to you even a kiss might be a serious breach of trust. But you seem to be driving yourself up a wall. Also the longer you wait, the more time passes and you are running the risk she will move on.

leggo · 09-08-2020 7:54am

Some things you don’t seem to be seeing OP:

- She’s apologised for what she’s done and said stuff like “I can’t believe I ruined this”...but she’s not asking for you back...

- She’s not responding to your texts to possibly reconcile. This totally flies in the face of her being apologetic and suggests she doesn’t even respect you enough right now to care about your feelings.

- She’s blocking you from her social media...probably because she’s out living her life and doesn’t want you seeing it, which would be the only real reason you’d stop someone seeing your stories (unless you’re veering into “They might follow me if they know where I am” territory).

This doesn’t seem to be a girl who actually wants you back OP. I’m trying to think of what her perspective is and what people around her are saying: they’re almost definitely telling her that what she did was ancient history, not a big deal because you guys had only just started seeing each other, that you overreacted and are being dramatic and that she should just get out and enjoy life because **** you, the guy who dumped her and is now trying to get her back. And it sounds like she’s listening to them but also throwing you an apologetic bone every now and then to keep you chasing. If she decides you’re her best bet and she wants to be with someone, she knows you’re right there and keeping you waiting will only make you forgive her and want her more, but in truth people rarely go with that person because they can’t respect them enough to commit to it.

It’s all really dramatic and a bit childish tbh. This doesn’t seem like a relationship worth saving, more one that was pretty flimsy to begin with and then just disintegrated at the first speed bump. I’d suggest you start trying to recover from it now and looking back at it objectively so you can learn lessons from it.

Febreeze · 09-08-2020 9:22am

Hi OP

I'm a big believer in giving people chances... I've lost count how many times I've given people chances (some have worked some have failed) but I do believe that if someone is willing to change then why not let them show you. It can be a long and slow process however the circumstances.

But it's generally down to the person themselves which is you. You can only make this decision yourself. No one is saying no and no one is saying yes. You can look up as much information as you want. You can ask all the questions that you want to ask but the only person that can physically make the decision is you.

If you genuinely belive this girl is worth the fight and is worth giving it another try then you've got to learn to live and let go which means if she has apologised and has shown it was a once off and is willing to never let it happen again, then you can't hold it against her. Especially if an argument is to arise in the future (which let's face it, couples can argue over silly things) then you cant use it as a defence. To build a relationship is difficult at the best of times and time and patience plays a huge part. The willingness to move past and move forward can help.

Okay she made a mistake 2 months into the relationship. You said you were both causal but assumed steady, that's a miscommunication on both parts. That's fine. Usually at the start of relationships most people will admit they don't know what's going on and assume a lot of things. Couple of months later, it's now 7 months and you found out, you're steady now and overall happy and this has put a spanner in the works. You reacted like any human would do. We've got feelings and react differently towards things. You ended it as you taught it was the right choice. You can't beat yourself up over that.

My advice would be, to ring her (not text) and say you're willing to meet up for a chat over a coffee (or whichever you fancy doing) and let it all air out. Your willing to get her side of the story and you give yours, how you both feel and then when it's all aired out then your answer could be in front of you. Do not mention a friend said such and such or her friend such and such. It's between yourseld and this girl. As far as I'm concerned, no one else is in this relationship now. Especially at the start.

If you do decide to continue then start all over again and it might even be better this time round, you never know but hold your head up and do this with an open mind.

Good luck.

LegacyUser · 09-08-2020 11:41am

leggo wrote: »

Some things you don’t seem to be seeing OP:

I'm not that experienced in relationships so I'm not sure what the normal reaction is supposed to be. I just thought that when I was so firm in my 'rejection' of her that that was the reason she's not trying to reconcile.

She has since responded to my message saying that she will meet with me this week. I do genuinely think she cares about my feelings, but maybe she's not interested in getting back together and is not trying to give off that vibe.

The blocking from social media I don't really understand. If she is, as you say, doing it to stop me seeing her living her life then surely it's because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings which kind of goes against your previous point about her not respecting me.

I don't think she is trying to keep me on the line as a backup plan if that's what you're suggesting. I haven't given off any vibe of reconciliation, at least not yet. In my last message I did say to her that she's been on my mind ever since we broke up.

Febreeze wrote: »

Hi OP

I'm a big believer in giving people chances...

Thanks for the advice. I think I am willing to give her a second chance, but it may not be straight away. Time apart may be best to think about what happened. Some of the posts here have put doubts in my mind about how stable a relationship it was. Maybe it's not worth salvaging. I truly thought it was a great relationship but now thinking back on some things the signs may say otherwise.

At this point I feel that I just need to have this last conversation that is a lot more amicable than the previous one. I can see it ending with a 'goodbye and all the best in the future'. Who knows, we both might change how we think about this in 6 months, a year, 5 years time. I won't be clinging onto something that's not going to work in the short term at least.

H8GHOTI · 09-08-2020 1:20pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

Well we were dating for maybe 2.5 months at the time. I recall having a very loose conversation that we weren't seeing anyone else....

This whole are we official, the exclusive chat is some BS. I know it seems to be the norm now but after 2.5 months and a conversation of sorts, I would think that there should be some kind of understanding. Saying this isn’t cheating is only a technicality.

I know you are more concerned about the lying and fair enough. You are right to be annoyed imo. If you want to forgive her, then do. You said yourself it’ll be difficult to forget and it probably will nag you for a while, so bear that in mind.

Go ahead and meet her, chat and see how you get on.

openup · 09-08-2020 2:29pm

I think you made a mountain out of a molehill. Are you both quite young? So she got drunk and did something silly in the very early days with you. She probably wasn't sure what was going on or if you were offical. A lot of people date several people early on when you're unsure of each other - especially if you met online.

It's fairly normal that she didn't tell you. It was obviously a minor incident and I'm sure she reasoned it out as "sure we're not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, he's probably out doing the same, why would I upset him". How did you even find out anyway? Did the guy tell you?

It's also normal to want someone back after a breakup, it doesn't mean it's a goo idea. But if you genuinely think you're better together, tell her so, forgive her and move forward. Maybe discuss what you definitions of cheating or transperancy are as they're obviously slightly different. I understand you were hurt by her ommision but if you love her surely you can give her the benefit of the doubt in this situation.

rainbowtrout · 09-08-2020 2:58pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

The blocking from social media I don't really understand. If she is, as you say, doing it to stop me seeing her living her life then surely it's because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings which kind of goes against your previous point about her not respecting me.

I don't think she is trying to keep me on the line as a backup plan if that's what you're suggesting. I haven't given off any vibe of reconciliation, at least not yet. In my last message I did say to her that she's been on my mind ever since we broke up.

Thanks for the advice. I think I am willing to give her a second chance, but it may not be straight away. Time apart may be best to think about what happened. Some of the posts here have put doubts in my mind about how stable a relationship it was. Maybe it's not worth salvaging. I truly thought it was a great relationship but now thinking back on some things the signs may say otherwise.

People of a certain age who live out their lives on social media seem to think that even after a break up that they should still let their ex be privy to every part of their lives. It doesn't work like that, nor is it healthy in most circumstances. Prior to social media, if you broke up with someone you generally didn't run into them if they didn't live in the same town as you or move in the same circles as you.

You called it off with her. She is doing what any sane person does and deleting you from her social media. You can't have it both ways - you can't break up with her and tell her it's over and expect to have a window into her life to see what she is doing.

And again, it's not about you. Have you considered that it's not about hurting your feelings, for her it might just simply be about being dumped, not feeling great about it, and figuring well if he called it off, no need for him to be part of my life anymore.

If you haven't given her any vibe of reconciliation, at this stage she must just think you are either a headwrecker or just trying to drag the whole thing out for the sake of drama.

Look at it from her perspective:

She kissed some guy at a time when it's not clear whether ye were in a committed relationship or not. She apologised to you. You broke up with her because of it. She's adhered to the break up and removed you from her social media. Instead you're at it like a dog with a bone. You're the one texting her. Not the other way around. She's not begging to get back together. She's of the opinion 'what have I done wrong now?' in response to you. From her point of view you got what you wanted (the break up) but seem determined to drag it out. She's accepted the consequences of the kiss, but you're not letting it go but you're making no moves to suggest reconciliation.

You also seem to think that this relationship is entirely your decision. You might give her a chance when you've got over yourself, she has a choice in whether she gets back with you or not. She may decide not.

LegacyUser · 09-08-2020 3:35pm

H8GHOTI wrote: »

This whole are we official, the exclusive chat is some BS. I know it seems to be the norm now but after 2.5 months and a conversation of sorts, I would think that there should be some kind of understanding. Saying this isn’t cheating is only a technicality.

Maybe so. In my mind we were a couple but it wasn't said explicitly. Everyone keeps telling me that if you haven't said the words "exclusive" then it's not exclusive.

openup wrote: »

I think you made a mountain out of a molehill. Are you both quite young? So she got drunk and did something silly in the very early days with you. She probably wasn't sure what was going on or if you were offical. A lot of people date several people early on when you're unsure of each other - especially if you met online.

We are both in our late twenties. Maybe it was a bit of an overreaction, but it's always worrying when someone you love is willing to lie to you about kissing someone. Just started my mind going into overdrive at the time thinking what else could she have lied about.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

You called it off with her. She is doing what any sane person does and deleting you from her social media. You can't have it both ways - you can't break up with her and tell her it's over and expect to have a window into her life to see what she is doing.....

.....She kissed some guy at a time when it's not clear whether ye were in a committed relationship or not. She apologised to you. You broke up with her because of it. She's adhered to the break up and removed you from her social media. Instead you're at it like a dog with a bone. You're the one texting her. Not the other way around. She's not begging to get back together. She's of the opinion 'what have I done wrong now?' in response to you. From her point of view you got what you wanted (the break up) but seem determined to drag it out. She's accepted the consequences of the kiss, but you're not letting it go but you're making no moves to suggest reconciliation.

Just to clear up a couple of points. She hasn't deleted from me from social media. She's picking and choosing what she shows me and it's really confusing me. She's of course entitled to do what she wants, but my head is wrecked trying to figure out what it means.

Also in my eyes we were exclusive but we never exactly said the words and didn't think we needed to. I am willing to let the incident pass because it was a bit of a grey area. I'm afraid to ask her if she thought we were exclusive at the time because if she says yes then she willingly did it while exclusive.

You could be right and she might think I'm messing her around. It's not my intention. I'm just trying to see her in person before saying it. Sending her a text feels wrong and won't get across my true feelings. I might be risking her not wanting to meet as a result, I don't know.

rainbowtrout · 09-08-2020 5:59pm

billythekid90 wrote: »

Maybe so. In my mind we were a couple but it wasn't said explicitly. Everyone keeps telling me that if you haven't said the words "exclusive" then it's not exclusive.

Just to clear up a couple of points. She hasn't deleted from me from social media. She's picking and choosing what she shows me and it's really confusing me. She's of course entitled to do what she wants, but my head is wrecked trying to figure out what it means.

Also in my eyes we were exclusive but we never exactly said the words and didn't think we needed to. I am willing to let the incident pass because it was a bit of a grey area. I'm afraid to ask her if she thought we were exclusive at the time because if she says yes then she willingly did it while exclusive.

You could be right and she might think I'm messing her around. It's not my intention. I'm just trying to see her in person before saying it. Sending her a text feels wrong and won't get across my true feelings. I might be risking her not wanting to meet as a result, I don't know.

If you didn't have a chat about whether you were in a proper relationship or not, then who she was with was her own business. She was under no obligation to tell you. And while she might have denied it initially when this came up, there's a distinct possibility it's because of this situation. This is why it is important not to play mind games and say what you want from a person.

Ireland has imported this 'dating' culture from America over the last 20 years or so, and I'm not sure it has done people here any good if they don't state what they want.

And your final sentence says that you are more worried about rejection than the chance of getting back together. That is a risk you have to take, you ditched her.

Broke up with girlfriend but now I want her back

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