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Broke up with girlfriend but now I want her back

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  • 03-08-2020 10:12am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I broke up with my girlfriend last week. I found out she had drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out early in our relationship and she lied about it. It was a while ago and I'm not even sure if we were official at the time but it still hurt, but mostly because of the lies. I loved her and still do but she broke my trust and I feel I broke up with her in the heat of the moment. I walked away feeling that I would never set eyes on her again. Now I'm regretting saying those things and want to make it work again.

    We have been no contact since the break up but we still follow each other on Instagram. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and she hasn't blocked me. I noticed that she has started to hide her Instagram stories from me but is still watching mine. I'm not sure what this means. Maybe she thinks I hate her and doesn't want me to see what she is doing in her life but still cares for me and watches my stories.

    I want to make the point to her that this is a big deal but not such a big deal that we can't work through this in time. At the same time I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it. I think a break apart would be good to think about what happened but I didn't get a chance to say it. I think she feels that this break up is permanent which I thought it was at the time when I said it but now really want her back.

    What should I do?


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    #2
    MildThing84
    Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭MildThing84


    You've answered your own question. You want to make it work again.

    Pick up the phone and arrange to meet her, tell her she hurt you and gauge how sorry she might be over the whole thing and go from there. If she is remorseful and sorry for the hurt you will know.


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    #3
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,556 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    The ball's in your court.

    You'll need to put aside the idea of being 'weak' and contact her.

    Say that you were upset and hurt but after calming down you think you overreacted and you'd like to meet and discuss starting again, if she's interested in having that discussion too.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I decided to reach out and messaged her saying that I didn't like how things ended. I said to her that she lied and truly hurt me and that I won't forget it, but at the same time that I don't hate her and don't want there to be bad blood between us.

    She replied with a lot of apologies which seemed very genuine. She said she's been thinking about it non stop since we broke up and she said she messed up something with a great guy. She never asked to be forgiven or for me to take her back, but seems to have a lot of guilt.

    I don't know where to go from here. I told her that she should be truthful with herself as to why it happened and try to get herself back on track. I didn't say anything about getting back together, or even mention any possibility of meeting up, at least not yet. I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done. I'm just not there yet as it's all too soon.


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    #5
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Why don't you try being honest instead of playing mind games? It seems like you're torn between wanting to move forward with her and wanting to punish her. You don't get to do both - making her run rings around you so you don't feel 'weak' is toxic behaviour as bad as her dishonesty about kissing someone else in the first place.

    Try this: You really hurt me. But I overreacted in the moment and I don't want to throw away a great relationship if this is something we can work through together. Can we take things slowly?


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    bitofabind wrote: »
    Why don't you try being honest instead of playing mind games? It seems like you're torn between wanting to move forward with her and wanting to punish her. You don't get to do both - making her run rings around you so you don't feel 'weak' is toxic behaviour as bad as her dishonesty about kissing someone else in the first place.

    Try this: You really hurt me. But I overreacted in the moment and I don't want to throw away a great relationship if this is something we can work through together. Can we take things slowly?

    It wasn't meant to be some kind of mind game or me wanting to punish her. She already feels awful. I know I probably shouldn't feel sympathy for her after she intentionally lied to me, but I do. All I want is to be able to trust her again and not risk being taken advantage of.

    I think your suggestion is really good, but my worry is that she won't see lying as a big deal if I'm going back to her and asking to give it another go. Maybe that is playing games, I don't know. I'm worried about making myself vulnerable and getting burned a second time. I guess that's the risk I need to be willing to make for this to work.

    I think I've been reading too many web pages about getting back with exes and they say to go "no contact" and wait for her to reach out first. It all seems to be some sort of game or strategy. Might be getting lost in bad advice on pages that are just looking for clicks.


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    #7
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    billythekid90 wrote: »
    She never asked to be forgiven or for me to take her back, but seems to have a lot of guilt.

    I don't know where to go from here. I told her that she should be truthful with herself as to why it happened and try to get herself back on track. I didn't say anything about getting back together, or even mention any possibility of meeting up, at least not yet. I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done. I'm just not there yet as it's all too soon.


    You seem more interested in scoring points off her than getting back with her. You talk about not wanting to look weak even though you're the one that broke up with her, and 'she thinks it's permanent'. Well, why wouldn't she? You told her it was over. Yes, you had a valid reason for breaking up, but you don't get to break up and then decide that you'll get back with her when she's done enough grovelling. You might find that she's moved on in the meantime.

    If you want to get back with her, then tell her that up front and work through the problem, if not, then let her go rather than trying to play mind games. She might just decide you're not worth the hassle.


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    #8
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    bitofabind wrote: »
    Why don't you try being honest instead of playing mind games? It seems like you're torn between wanting to move forward with her and wanting to punish her. You don't get to do both - making her run rings around you so you don't feel 'weak' is toxic behaviour as bad as her dishonesty about kissing someone else in the first place.

    Try this: You really hurt me. But I overreacted in the moment and I don't want to throw away a great relationship if this is something we can work through together. Can we take things slowly?

    This is the correct advice, got it in one.

    I feel a bit more sympathetic for the OP than most seem to here tbh. When your trust is broken and you learn someone you cared for has lied to you, you’re caught between an instinct of not being able to flick a switch and stop caring about them and not wanting to be made a mug of because you haven’t fully understood or processed why they lied. You want to know if you can trust them but are aware they’ve already lied so can’t take their word as gospel as you maybe would’ve before. I think this is what the OP is speaking about here rather than deliberately trying to play games. Or maybe they’re subconsciously picking up on something and this is instinctive. Even when we’re reeling our brains have a way of thinking straight sometimes and protecting us while we wait for the emotions to catch up.

    Still though OP, I feel the above course is the best solution if this is how you’re feeling. Even with tough break ups, if it’s right we tend to know, and we can be sad about that but still know in our gut it’s the right call. Your gut seems to be telling you otherwise.


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    #9
    JasonStatham
    Closed Accounts Posts: 548 ✭✭✭JasonStatham


    billythekid90 wrote: »
    I broke up with my girlfriend last week. I found out she had drunkenly kissed a guy on a night out early in our relationship and she lied about it. It was a while ago and I'm not even sure if we were official at the time but it still hurt, but mostly because of the lies. I loved her and still do but she broke my trust and I feel I broke up with her in the heat of the moment. I walked away feeling that I would never set eyes on her again. Now I'm regretting saying those things and want to make it work again.

    We have been no contact since the break up but we still follow each other on Instagram. I couldn't bring myself to block her, and she hasn't blocked me. I noticed that she has started to hide her Instagram stories from me but is still watching mine. I'm not sure what this means. Maybe she thinks I hate her and doesn't want me to see what she is doing in her life but still cares for me and watches my stories.

    I want to make the point to her that this is a big deal but not such a big deal that we can't work through this in time. At the same time I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it. I think a break apart would be good to think about what happened but I didn't get a chance to say it. I think she feels that this break up is permanent which I thought it was at the time when I said it but now really want her back.

    What should I do?

    The real question is, what else has she lied about, that you don't know about. Odd behaviour with that Instagram thing too. This relationship has all the potential-de-jour for festering toxicity

    No, I'd definitely be outta there, if it was me. I'd be after a girl with less drama. Life's too short.


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    #10
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    billythekid90 wrote: »

    I think your suggestion is really good, but my worry is that she won't see lying as a big deal if I'm going back to her and asking to give it another go. Maybe that is playing games, I don't know. I'm worried about making myself vulnerable and getting burned a second time. I guess that's the risk I need to be willing to make for this to work.

    I get it. You don't want to get hurt again. That's human. However, right now that fear is causing you to play games, 'test' her, and behave passive-aggressively instead of leading with the things that are clearly valuable to you - trust and honesty.

    Your ex KNOWS what she did is not ok. You've broken up with her over it and she's clearly wracked with guilt. You've expressed how much it hurt you. Telling her that you want to work on things isn't a green light to her lying again. It's you expressing you want to work on things. Try leading with trust and honesty: "You crossed a major line for me and it's impacted on my trust in you. That needs to be built up again. But I care about you and I'd like to see if we can work on this"

    Learning how to communicate like this, uncomfortable as it is, will reap so many benefits in all of your relationships in life.


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    #11
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    I'm not being funny, OP. But there seems to be a bit of mixed messaging going on. Quite simply 'Do you want this to work or not?'

    Why don't you CALL her (not message or text) and tell her something along the lines of what bitofabind said? Invite her out for a coffee and tell her. Doesn't have to be a full on date - a casual coffee to put your cards on the table and then there's no doubt.

    Full and honest communication is key. That's the mature way to handle it.Stop playing the mind games and he said, she said. That's childish!

    Good luck! :)


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I've already posted a reply, but I don't think it's been approved yet.

    Just another thing I want to say, I'm very surprised at the responses I've gotten here. I'll be honest and say that I've been browsing articles and other forums and a lot of people say that once someone lies you can never forgive them.

    It's somewhat reassuring that a lot of you think that there's hope (judging by the replies and thanked posts).

    If I was to look at everything on paper I would probably walk away as there seems to be a higher risk of being lied to again. But there's so much emotion involved that I feel I can't walk away from this. I really want this to work, but I am also afraid that it will fail based on some other things I've read and advice I've received.

    It's eating me up inside trying to figure out what to do.


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    #13
    utyh2ikcq9z76b
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,213 ✭✭✭utyh2ikcq9z76b


    Have some self respect and move on


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    #14
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Imo, there's often a little bit of a grey area at the start of most relationships before people get serious about each other that sometimes things happen. Most people never find out about them as they would damage something good - your relationship being case in point. Maybe this is why she didn't tell you before & why most don't, it may have finished something before it even began.

    As you said, you don't even know if you were going out at the time. It's a bit Ross/Rachel we were on a break sort of thing.

    Judge her from when you came serious, not from before. If you want her back, call her, let her know that while you were hurt you probably overreacted in hindsight and would like to see if you can get back what you guys had.


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    #15
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    billythekid90 wrote: »
    I'll be honest and say that I've been browsing articles and other forums and a lot of people say that once someone lies you can never forgive them.

    A word of advice? Try not to look outside of yourself so much when you're making these personal life decisions. No-one knows your circumstances, your girlfriend and your relationship except you, certainly not a bunch of articles you've googled about "what to do when your ex has kissed someone else" and the thing about opinions is that they're like a*seholes, everyone has one :)

    So the process of gathering opinions and looking for consensus and permission on what to do next is just going to get more and more confusing as you go along. Try to look inward instead. Do you want to walk away from this relationship? You've expressed a few times now that you don't. You're pleasantly surprised by advice that doesn't tell you to let your ex burn in hell. Dig a bit deeper on that sentiment and make a plan. You don't want it to be over. You think it's salvageable and the relationship wasn't defined at the time and your ex is full of remorse. What next?


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    #16
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    Look - You can read all the books and read all the advice given by us as internet strangers on a forum. All good, but in the end, only YOU can decide what you want to do. Ask yourself 'What do I want?

    This kiss happened when drink was taken and you weren't yet going steady. Not a big deal, in my book, but different people react in different ways. If this had happened when you were steady, then that's a whole other ball game, and I personally would handle it differently.

    But I would reiterate - Only you can decide whether this is a show-stopper or not. Once you sort out your head, you should then take decisive action.


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    #17
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    You need to get off the internet and stop trying to find your answers in other peoples' experiences. That's going to torment you every bit as much as the indecision. None of us knows you, knows your girlfriend or what your relationship was like. So just like every relationship is different, so will the advice. The only way you can find your answer to this is to sit down with her in person (DO NOT do this over Whatsapp) and have an honest conversation about this. There is no point in trying to figure out how this should end by scouring the internet. The answer lies in the pair of you talking honestly and openly about this and deciding what to do from there.


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks everyone. I do realise that this is my decision and my decision alone. Ultimately I came on looking for advice and to be honest, affirmation that it's okay to go back to her. Literally every forum post I read about cheating or lying everyone says to dump them or that they will just do it again if you take them back.

    Maybe my situation is just that little bit different. I do wonder if I would have gotten the same advice if I came to you after she had just done it, or if it happened after we fully agreed to be exclusive or if we were official. Also if it was a girl asking the same thing about a guy who kissed another girl would there have been the same reaction.

    I'm kind of getting off track but it's amazing how small details matter when scouring the Internet for advice.


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    #19
    LilacNails
    Registered Users Posts: 653 ✭✭✭LilacNails


    You seem to really love her.... I think u should give it another shot... It'll be the only way of knowing wheather it's meant to be.


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    #20
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    This official/not yet official business is a minefield anyway. Sometimes it translates as "I don't know where I stand". So if your girlfriend wasn't actually in an exclusive relationship and drunkenly kissed this other fella, what was she doing wrong? I can't stand liars but what happened here could be a case of a minor lie escalating into a mess your girlfriend couldn't get out of. If you believe this lie, stemming from a minor transgression, is out of character then you'd be mad to throw it all away.


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    #21
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,950 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    How long are you together? If this kiss happened at the start, how long ago is that now? Has she done anything since? And how did you find out?

    I think if it was midway through a serious relationship that it happened, it would be different. A stupid drunken kiss at the start when everything isn't official isn't the same.

    I get that it hurts and you don't want to be a push over by brushing over it. But you said in your first post and indeed your thread title that you want her back. All the things you read on the Internet aren't altogether relevant because they're not privy to your specific situation, we are to a certain extent. I would imagine they're talking about cheating in a fully official relationship?

    There's no set of rules or official time line for forgiveness. Either you want her back and to move on, or you don't. No one is forcing you here.

    This limbo land can't be good for either of you.


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    #22
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    billythekid90 wrote: »
    scouring the Internet for advice.

    Plus maintaining your Instagram "stories"...

    Maybe there 's your biggest issue.
    Go for a long walk by the sea or get lost in a forest for the day. Better still grab a tent and head to an offshore island for a week. Just bring a non wifi phone - cheap one in shop on the way - so you can get or make urgent calls. Bring a notebook and pens. A big fat book. Rent a bicycle. See how you feel about things after a week or a month of no internet and repeatedly circumambulating an island.


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    #23
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tork wrote: »
    This official/not yet official business is a minefield anyway. Sometimes it translates as "I don't know where I stand". So if your girlfriend wasn't actually in an exclusive relationship and drunkenly kissed this other fella, what was she doing wrong? I can't stand liars but what happened here could be a case of a minor lie escalating into a mess your girlfriend couldn't get out of. If you believe this lie, stemming from a minor transgression, is out of character then you'd be mad to throw it all away.

    Well we were dating for maybe 2.5 months at the time. I recall having a very loose conversation that we weren't seeing anyone else. I don't know if that constitutes seeing anyone else when it was a once off thing. That's why my head is a bit muddled.

    She did say that she dug herself into a hole that she couldn't get out of and felt that she had to keep up the lie.
    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    How long are you together? If this kiss happened at the start, how long ago is that now? Has she done anything since? And how did you find out?

    I think if it was midway through a serious relationship that it happened, it would be different. A stupid drunken kiss at the start when everything isn't official isn't the same.

    I get that it hurts and you don't want to be a push over by brushing over it. But you said in your first post and indeed your thread title that you want her back. All the things you read on the Internet aren't altogether relevant because they're not privy to your specific situation, we are to a certain extent. I would imagine they're talking about cheating in a fully official relationship?

    There's no set of rules or official time line for forgiveness. Either you want her back and to move on, or you don't. No one is forcing you here.

    This limbo land can't be good for either of you.

    We were together 7 months when I broke up with her so the kiss happened about 4.5 months ago I suppose. Not a very long relationship, but very long for me. She hasn't done anything else that I'm aware of. The only thing I can think of is her fishing for likes on social media by putting up revealing photos and the odd flirty comment.

    I found out about the kiss through one of her friends (mentioned in a previous post).

    The break up is still fresh in my mind and am worried that I'm letting emotions cloud my judgement. Before the break up I thought about her occasionally during the day, which I think is normal, but now it's every waking moment.

    Is it better to reach out sooner rather than later? One part of me thinks I should give it a few weeks so that I can gather my thoughts and make sure what I'm feeling now isn't just momentary and that I am willing to take her back. The other part feels horrible right now and the longer I wait the worse it will get and potentially lose her forever if she decides to move on.


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    #24
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,270 ✭✭✭Tork


    I think you need to talk to her sooner rather than later and decide whether you believe her and trust her. I don't know what new insights you'll gain by running this through your brain for the millionth time.


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    #25
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,556 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    You need to work out what you actually want.

    Now, it seems like you want her back, but you want her to be the one to come back to you, but even then, only after she has had suitable penance. You can play that game but it likely won't work out how you hope.

    At the moment, you're a guy who (understandably) broke up with her and who is now sending her messages about how she needs to 'get herself back on track'. Those messages aren't doing anything positive for you.

    Work out what you actually want, then contact her.


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    #26
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    osarusan wrote: »
    You need to work out what you actually want.

    Now, it seems like you want her back, but you want her to be the one to come back to you, but even then, only after she has had suitable penance. You can play that game but it likely won't work out how you hope.

    At the moment, you're a guy who (understandably) broke up with her and who is now sending her messages about how she needs to 'get herself back on track'. Those messages aren't doing anything positive for you.

    Work out what you actually want, then contact her.

    What I want is to be in a trusting relationship with her. Being in a relationship is the easy part. Trusting her is much more difficult.

    I don't think I can know if I can trust her until I speak to her again and maybe see her a few times. It's all in my head at the moment and I think speaking face to face will give me a vibe of how I really feel.

    Me not going back to tell her what I want is a bit of a defence mechanism I must admit. I tend to keep things bottled up for fear of rejection or being hurt. Maybe I should just take the plunge. You only life once and I don't want to live a life of regrets.


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    #27
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    billythekid90 wrote: »
    What I want is to be in a trusting relationship with her. Being in a relationship is the easy part. Trusting her is much more difficult.

    I don't think I can know if I can trust her until I speak to her again and maybe see her a few times. It's all in my head at the moment and I think speaking face to face will give me a vibe of how I really feel.

    Me not going back to tell her what I want is a bit of a defence mechanism I must admit. I tend to keep things bottled up for fear of rejection or being hurt. Maybe I should just take the plunge. You only life once and I don't want to live a life of regrets.

    Has it occurred to you she may not want to get back with you? From what I’ve read she hasn’t apologized for what happened and apart from feeling guilty, doesn’t seem that eager to make it up to you.


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    #28
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,950 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    I think you're doing the right thing OP. You're taking your time and trying to evaluate everything. But in order to do that you need to have a conversation with her. Otherwise you're just filling in the gaps with guesswork.

    You care a lot about her that's clear. It's not like you were a couple of weeks in. You were a couple of months in and that has to hurt.

    If you move on you have to be sure you're not holding on to any resentment and I guess that's part of the reason you're taking a step back to get more of an even view.

    Talk to her and see how she feels. If she has moved on, you've lost someone who snogged someone else two months in and was so little invested that they moved on straight away. But at least for your own peace of mind you'll have tried, which is not the same as losing face.


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    #29
    elefant
    Registered Users Posts: 4,649 ✭✭✭elefant


    I'd have 2 pieces of advice for if you do get back together:

    1. Don't trash her to your friends. This might sound obvious, but don't go around telling people why you were on a break in the first place.

    2. Don't continue to use this incident as a point of argument in the future. If you're ever having a fight about something, don't bring it up.

    Basically, if you decide to forgive her, do it completely. To do otherwise is to doom the relationship regardless.


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    #30
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Has it occurred to you she may not want to get back with you? From what I’ve read she hasn’t apologized for what happened and apart from feeling guilty, doesn’t seem that eager to make it up to you.

    She did apologise profusely. She said it was a stupid mistake and she ruined something with a great guy that she loved.
    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    I think you're doing the right thing OP. You're taking your time and trying to evaluate everything. But in order to do that you need to have a conversation with her. Otherwise you're just filling in the gaps with guesswork.

    You care a lot about her that's clear. It's not like you were a couple of weeks in. You were a couple of months in and that has to hurt.

    If you move on you have to be sure you're not holding on to any resentment and I guess that's part of the reason you're taking a step back to get more of an even view.

    Talk to her and see how she feels. If she has moved on, you've lost someone who snogged someone else two months in and was so little invested that they moved on straight away. But at least for your own peace of mind you'll have tried, which is not the same as losing face.

    I sent her a message to meet for a coffee. She took a long while to reply (maybe she need to sleep on it) but said yes, followed by "have I said anything to mess up again?". Seems like she is still worried about what she says. Kind of ties in with her hiding some of her social media posts too I guess.
    elefant wrote: »
    I'd have 2 pieces of advice for if you do get back together:

    1. Don't trash her to your friends. This might sound obvious, but don't go around telling people why you were on a break in the first place.

    2. Don't continue to use this incident as a point of argument in the future. If you're ever having a fight about something, don't bring it up.

    Basically, if you decide to forgive her, do it completely. To do otherwise is to doom the relationship regardless.

    Unfortunately I've told a few friends that we broke up because of trust issues. I didn't go into the minute details of it but none of them said anything bad about her after I said it.

    I think the phrase "forgive but not forget" needs to come into play for a short while at least. I don't think I will let it go completely until I feel the trust is there again. If I don't feel that I can trust her again I wouldn't continue things.


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    #31
    Midnight Sundance
    Registered Users Posts: 798 ✭✭✭Midnight Sundance


    I know you have been hurt and dont want to get hurt again but I really feel like your are not going to forgive and definitely won't forget.
    Relationships are based on trust. Unless you can truly forgive her and put what she did behind you then I wouldn't be bothered trying to make this work.
    What she did was not nice, i can understand the lies after cos it happened before you were exclusive or so i am led to believe from your posts
    Breaking up with her has been a punishment for her by the sounds of it.
    If you want this to work out then you forget about any games/what makes you seem weak/punishing her etc
    And you talk about your feelings, no texting, be honest with yourself and her, only then will you both be able to move on. Don't move on if u are not willing to move past this!!


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