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Dealing with "You'll change your mind"

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  • 02-04-2021 1:07am
    #1
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭


    It's annoying and frustrating to get that or similar comments when I mention that I've no intention of starting a family.

    That being said, I know that 99% of the time there is no malice or ridicule from the person saying it. That makes it difficult to communicate how annoying it is without coming across as having a chip on my shoulder etc.

    Typically I try to outline the why, and just say that we are perfectly happy as we are but I still get the "well, give it time, you never know how you might feel in another year or two".

    I'd love to know how others handle this. Is there a magic one liner that will shut them up without being rude or arrogant about it?


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    #2
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I’ve been generally surprised by how accepting people are when I tell them I’m childfree (other than my parents, who will eternally be in the “You’ll change your mind!” Camp). But when I do get that kind of thing, I gauge the situation and will either let it go by saying “Maybe, sure none of us can predict the future” and changing the subject, or very firmly saying “I won’t” and then changing the subject.

    People who think the only destination as an adult is becoming a parent aren’t really open to hearing anything that challenges that narrative, so there’s little point engaging in discussion with them I find.

    Edit: a magic one-liner to a rude question can often be a long, stony silence, eventually being broken by you saying something like “It’s very rude to presume you know my mind better than I do” :D.


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    #3
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    I have found the older I get, the less I hear it. I'm not a fan of getting older but I assume in another 10 years people will just stop completely because they'll assume it wasn't a choice!

    What I find has worked in the past is just to say something like 'god, that'll be one serious change of mind if it happens now' There is little point in arguing with people about it to be honest.

    If I want to be rude especially to someone my own age, i say something like 'gosh, it is so interesting how patriarchal society convinces us that all women want children and it is only now becoming more normalised to challenge that stereotype' :pac:


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    #4
    cee_jay
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators Posts: 7,920 Mod ✭✭✭✭cee_jay


    I have also found the older I get (or the longer I have been in my relationship), the less I hear it. I wonder is it because people begin to think there are fertility problems or what, but most people I know well know I have no interest in kids at this stage.
    I am more likely to get comments such as when are you two giving us a day out? My response to that is normally along the lines of it'll be a civil affair just for the pension entitlements.


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    #5
    anewme
    Registered Users Posts: 11,869 ✭✭✭✭anewme


    Recently someone said to me, ah you'll feel different when you have your own.

    I had to do a double take to see if they were taking the p, but were serious.


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    #6
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    anewme wrote: »
    Recently someone said to me, ah you'll feel different when you have your own.

    I had to do a double take to see if they were taking the p, but were serious.

    Oh this one I have a response for!!! My extended family have serious issues with losing custody etc. and I always say 'i wish that were true but the amount of abused and abandoned kids out there seem to indicate that unfortunately that isn't a safe bet'.

    It is nice some people live their lives without knowing abusive home situations so in a way it is great but like people really are in denial if they think that is true!


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    #7
    anewme
    Registered Users Posts: 11,869 ✭✭✭✭anewme


    R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »
    Oh this one I have a response for!!! My extended family have serious issues with losing custody etc. and I always say 'i wish that were true but the amount of abused and abandoned kids out there seem to indicate that unfortunately that isn't a safe bet'.

    It is nice some people live their lives without knowing abusive home situations so in a way it is great but like people really are in denial if they think that is true!

    I was laughing more that they clearly have no idea of my age.


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    #8
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    anewme wrote: »
    I was laughing more that they clearly have no idea of my age.

    Well they do say those without children tend to look younger!!


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    #9
    cloneslad
    Registered Users Posts: 2,583 ✭✭✭cloneslad


    I'm lucky that most of my friends and family that harass me about being childfree do it because they want me to not have such a carefree life.

    As one of my mates says "Why should we have to suffer and you don't?"

    They all love their kids but they don't deny it's very hard work and incredibly tiring.

    I've always found that it was strangers who would say "you don't want them NOW" and I would tell them that I am 33/34/35/36/ shortly 37 and still feel the same way. My girlfriend is a good few years younger than me so they would often say that she would change her mind.

    She is 31 now and has never been more sure that she doesn't want them.


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    #10
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Faith wrote: »
    I’ve been generally surprised by how accepting people are when I tell them I’m childfree (other than my parents, who will eternally be in the “You’ll change your mind!” Camp). But when I do get that kind of thing, I gauge the situation and will either let it go by saying “Maybe, sure none of us can predict the future” and changing the subject, or very firmly saying “I won’t” and then changing the subject.

    People who think the only destination as an adult is becoming a parent aren’t really open to hearing anything that challenges that narrative, so there’s little point engaging in discussion with them I find.

    Edit: a magic one-liner to a rude question can often be a long, stony silence, eventually being broken by you saying something like “It’s very rude to presume you know my mind better than I do” :D.

    I like the idea of the long silence and the response. I must try that

    cloneslad wrote: »
    I'm lucky that most of my friends and family that harass me about being childfree do it because they want me to not have such a carefree life.

    As one of my mates says "Why should we have to suffer and you don't?"

    Hah, 100% I have had that one too, more so from the male friends and family. I just laugh


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    #11
    BuboBubo
    Registered Users Posts: 927 ✭✭✭BuboBubo


    My reply used to be "misery loves company"

    Being very much on the wrong side of 40, nobody asks me anymore. They presume I'm barren at this stage ;)

    To people who didn't know me well, but still had the cheek to say it, my reply (in a low slightly heartbroken tone) "I can't have them" leading to an uncomfortable shuffle and change of subject. Never bothered telling them the reason was Mirena:D


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    #12
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Deleted User wrote: »
    It's annoying and frustrating to get that or similar comments when I mention that I've no intention of starting a family.

    That being said, I know that 99% of the time there is no malice or ridicule from the person saying it. That makes it difficult to communicate how annoying it is without coming across as having a chip on my shoulder etc.

    Typically I try to outline the why, and just say that we are perfectly happy as we are but I still get the "well, give it time, you never know how you might feel in another year or two".

    I'd love to know how others handle this. Is there a magic one liner that will shut them up without being rude or arrogant about it?

    Never complain. Never explain. It’s no one else’s business.


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    #13
    magicbastarder
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 48,482 CMod ✭✭✭✭magicbastarder


    Being a bloke, the few times I have had someone giving me what might amount to a grilling all came from insecure blokes. In that I firmly believe their position was one borne of me having undermined their life choices by not having kids.
    One of those occasions was from an asshole colleague, at a work Christmas do, where the only two women in our team were eavesdropping and agog at what was being said to me, and offering behind his back to distract him away from me, but I found it kinda fascinating.

    Anyway, one of the lines my wife has heard most is 'will you not regret it when you're older?' and the best response there I suspect is 'do you actually think I should create actual human beings as an insurance policy against my possible feelings in 20 years time?'


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    #14
    o1s1n
    Registered Users Posts: 34,533 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    magicbastarder wrote: »

    Anyway, one of the lines my wife has heard most is 'will you not regret it when you're older?' and the best response there I suspect is 'do you actually think I should create actual human beings as an insurance policy against my possible feelings in 20 years time?'

    I love pointing out to these people that children won't automatically be there for you when you're older and there's a high probability they might actually **** off to live in Australia or somewhere equally as far away.

    Tends not to go down too well!


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    #15
    Gamer Bhoy 89
    Registered Users Posts: 3,613 ✭✭✭Gamer Bhoy 89


    Never understood this opinion at all. My fiancée and I are contempt with the idea of not having kids. My mother and immediate family, and in-laws are accepting of it.

    But I have one family member - my aunt - who is borderline offended (or appears to be) that we've made this decision. It's not so much that she doesn't understand that my fiancée has PCOS, rheumatoid arthritis, type-2, depression - with PCOS being a major factor into the ability to even have kids in the first place - it's her response to when I try to explain why we don't want to have kids: "There's no excuse, you should at least try, or adopt". She originally started by saying "you'll change your mind" and I think now that it's been 9 years and I still haven't changed my mind that she's starting to get annoyed at it, almost as if she's tired of telling me.

    I have never understood the opinion of "I want YOU to have a kid so that I'M satisfied" - vicariously living through someone else.

    The only child I ever want to have a hand in being around throughout his life is my nephew, who turned 2 over the weekend, who absolutely loves me, and that's all I want - that's as close to having a child as I want to be. At home, I'm happy with having dogs. They never have strops or bad moods and they'll always wait for you at the front door. That's enough for me.


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    #16
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,714 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.


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    #17
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    Sunny Disposition wrote: »
    Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.

    I would say that between the age of 27 and 33, I was being asked almost constantly by colleagues, friends and people i would meet in general. It increased hugely after I was married. People still occasionally ask 'when will you have children?'

    The husband gets it much less often but does on occasion.

    I can't imagine any woman over the age of 25 not having been asked at least once!


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    #18
    magicbastarder
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 48,482 CMod ✭✭✭✭magicbastarder


    Sunny Disposition wrote: »
    Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care
    welllll... that's not the case.
    i'm a bloke and i've had to 'defend' myself in extended conversations maybe four or five times. women have it at least ten times worse.

    i mentioned in a different thread here, but a lot of people will get very defensive about you not having kids, because you're undermining their choice to have done so.


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    #19
    jaxxx
    Registered Users Posts: 3,230 ✭✭✭jaxxx


    Anyone annoying me with this shiiieeet will get a box in the mouth and a stick up their bum, so as to keep their toxic fumes from leaking.


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    #20
    Locotastic
    Registered Users Posts: 754 ✭✭✭Locotastic


    Gamer Bhoy 89 wrote: »
    At home, I'm happy with having dogs. They never have strops or bad moods and they'll always wait for you at the front door. That's enough for me.

    They are the best!!!


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    #21
    magicbastarder
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 48,482 CMod ✭✭✭✭magicbastarder


    Gamer Bhoy 89 wrote: »
    At home, I'm happy with having dogs. They never have strops or bad moods
    you've clearly not met my neighbour's dog.


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    #22
    Ave Sodalis
    Registered Users Posts: 7,548 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    Sunny Disposition wrote:
    Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.


    I was constantly plagued with this question before lockdown, even by people who knew the answer. People would purposely ask, just so they could berate me again for my decision. Not only do people care, they can get surprisingly angry about it.


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    #23
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Sunny Disposition wrote: »
    Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.

    Im a 45 year old woman. I have been asked when am I having children or been told I should hurry up and start having children literally hundreds of times in my life.
    By friends, family and basically strangers.
    Some people feel the need to try & impress on me how brilliant kids are and how I just don't understand what it feels like when you have them.

    And I am not some quiet shy type of person, I speak my mind always. Why anyone thinks that they have to right to talk to me like that is just beyond me!


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    #24
    Gamer Bhoy 89
    Registered Users Posts: 3,613 ✭✭✭Gamer Bhoy 89


    Sunny Disposition wrote: »
    Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.

    We don't go announcing it in conversation. It constantly gets brought up by other people, mostly out of nowhere. I can't say it's "none of your business" because then it just makes the whole thing worse - then it makes it sound like I'm the aggressive one.

    But that's the issue. You'd HOPE that only potential partners and parents would care, so it makes it more frustrating when it's someone who isn't in your life on a daily basis and only talks to you when it's your birthday.

    I'll draw the line at social media. Nobody has pestered me about it on Facebook or anything like that...yet. That's where I'll start becoming "aggressive" (the worst I'll do is delete the conversation)


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    #25
    paperflights
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭paperflights


    I don't disclose my decision to anyone other than my partner because it's really nobody's business.


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    #26
    micah537
    Registered Users Posts: 254 ✭✭micah537


    I like the awkward silence when I say I'm shooting blanks.

    Some people think they have to pop out kids as soon as they finish school or college. Why have extra responsibility in 20s when you can be doing so much more. Forget Covid for a minute, it's nice to randomly spend the weekend in Europe or go on holidays in Asia or wherever as a couple without too much planning. The thoughts of having a baby on a plane for 8 or more hours, even 2 hours is a nightmare.

    I'm not against having kids when I'm mid thirties or so but people constantly saying how great their kids are while dumping them at the grandparents at every chance they get seems a little contradictory.


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    #27
    Gamer Bhoy 89
    Registered Users Posts: 3,613 ✭✭✭Gamer Bhoy 89


    paperflights wrote: »
    I don't disclose my decision to anyone other than my partner because it's really nobody's business.

    I'd love to know what your answer is to anyone who asks. I don't have the cojones to just say to the person "none of your business". I find that rude.

    Do you change the subject? Or do you just simmer it down by saying "ah you never know" or something? I could do with some pointers because I'm this close to telling my auntie to fcuk off over the phone if she does it again :pac:


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    #28
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,714 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    Gamer Bhoy 89 wrote: »
    We don't go announcing it in conversation. It constantly gets brought up by other people, mostly out of nowhere. I can't say it's "none of your business" because then it just makes the whole thing worse - then it makes it sound like I'm the aggressive one.

    But that's the issue. You'd HOPE that only potential partners and parents would care, so it makes it more frustrating when it's someone who isn't in your life on a daily basis and only talks to you when it's your birthday.

    I'll draw the line at social media. Nobody has pestered me about it on Facebook or anything like that...yet. That's where I'll start becoming "aggressive" (the worst I'll do is delete the conversation)

    Have kids myself, and I would advise being a parent to anyone who asked, but can’t imagine why anyone would feel the need to impose their view on someone else, crazy.
    Know of a couple who are child free but not by choice and when people make jokes etc it is hurtful for them.


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    #29
    BuboBubo
    Registered Users Posts: 927 ✭✭✭BuboBubo


    o1s1n wrote: »
    I love pointing out to these people that children won't automatically be there for you when you're older and there's a high probability they might actually **** off to live in Australia or somewhere equally as far away.

    Tends not to go down too well!

    But, but, nobody who has kids ends up in a nursing home - "who's going to take care of you when you're older?" I've had that line thrown at me :D


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    #30
    IrishPhoenix
    Registered Users Posts: 634 ✭✭✭IrishPhoenix


    I think that those who have kids seem to be the most personally offended. Like your decision is somehow a judgement against them. They go rapidly from the 'you'll change your mind when you're older' and 'ah you don't know what you want' to really affronted if you insist that you do actually know what you want and that it's really not their business to tell you what you want. I don't go around bringing the topic up but you can't seem to avoid the question when you're a woman. Everyone seems to feel entitled to an opinion on the subject. Especially at weddings or events.


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    #31
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    o1s1n wrote: »
    I love pointing out to these people that children won't automatically be there for you when you're older and there's a high probability they might actually **** off to live in Australia or somewhere equally as far away.

    Tends not to go down too well!

    That does certainly happen in families- sometimes the offspring can’t wait to leave the nest and rarely return and it’s not due to a bad upbringing or anything- they just don’t seem to have much in common anymore and no real interest in maintaining close contact- best not said directly to the parents though :D


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