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Mother with dementia in home, Dad not coping during visits.

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  • 17-11-2019 7:34pm
    #1
    loughlinfox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭


    Hello everyone,

    I would be delighted to have some feedback. My mother (80) is in a lovely care home. She has advanced dementia, and spends her time between a SCU ward at night (truly warm and homely with carers on duty and up 24/7), and the general day-room during the day. She can barely walk and is monosyllabic now.

    When my step-dad goes to see her, he insists on bringing her to her bedroom off down the SCU ward with the door shut, to watch TV/listen to music etc. She sleeps most of the time when there (not good for her as she can't sleep at night), but will sing the odd song with him.

    Lately, she has been getting aggressive with him verbally (made him cry last week) and is up and down out of her chair/bed over this 2-3 hour visits, soiling herself and asking to go to the loo every ten minutes, which clearly upsets him. He insists on bringing her to the loo and cleaning her up himself (he's 84). Tonight he went home and had to have 2 whiskies to calm down.

    I've tried to persuade him to leave her in the lovely bright day-room and have his visit there (with tea etc) and to ask the carer to take her if she gets into a round of wanting to use the bathroom, but he won't listen.

    I am seeing her as much as I can (I had a history of abuse with her, so it's tough), and see her two other afternoons, to try to stop him going every day. He's now backing off that and is seeing her 2-3 hours a day, 7 days a week. Help. I want to guard their relationship and his independence. The nurse won't intervene - I understand that.

    All advice welcome.


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    #2
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,293 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    He's watching the women he shared his life with depart slowly in front of his eyes.

    This might be how he needs to deal with it.


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    #3
    loughlinfox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭loughlinfox


    I know. Very, very hard. It's the separation of a couple. I do wonder if I should just let things take their course, be there, be supportive, but let events convince him to take that step back.


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    #4
    Tom Mann Centuria
    Registered Users Posts: 10,934 ✭✭✭✭Tom Mann Centuria


    loughlinfox wrote: »
    I know. Very, very hard. It's the separation of a couple. I do wonder if I should just let things take their course, be there, be supportive, but let events convince him to take that step back.

    Paraphrasing something I try to say to people in a similar situation to your step-dad "Your love/commitment shines through, but the last thing your wife would want when she was well would be for you to hurt yourself or burn yourself out, it's just as important to look after yourself so you can visit. Just being there is just as important as the personal care. Let us do the lifting and hard work, you just being there for your wife is the most important thing, and sometimes if she's cross, just step away, that's not her, it's the disease." I'd hope a nurse/carer might say something similar to your step-dad.

    It's tough going for your step-dad, and hard for you watching him struggle, but you being supportive is huge for him, and I'm glad she sounds like she's in a nice place. Good luck to you and your step-dad, dementia is a fupper.

    Oh well, give me an easy life and a peaceful death.



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    #5
    loughlinfox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭loughlinfox


    Tom Mann... that's just what I feel, the disease not the person. I don't believe my mother would want my step-dad cleaning her up etc., she was very proud and private about these things, strictly door shut when it came to the bathroom etc. Thank you so much for your reply. I'll absorb that and distil it back to my Dad over the coming weeks. He's been fantastic with her - incredible.


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