When are you finished having kids?

Furze99 wrote: »

But how did families and women in particular manage in the past with much larger numbers of children. Different subject I guess, but worth reflecting on.

They didn't.

My parents both come from large families, as did my in laws. It was basic people management at best, no thought of college or even secondary school in some cases. Children kept out of school if a child needed to be minded or work needed to be done on the farm. No luxuries at all, Christmas and birthdays were minimal in terms of fuss. Not a lot of in depth care for your children as individuals, you didn't have the time or space for that. Not saying it was grim but it was the way it was at the time. My mother in law and her sisters were sent away for a few years as space was needed for the younger kids.

None of them or their siblings had more than four children. My mother went on birth control as soon as she could for 'cycle regulation', as did her mother as she was advised by her gp she could get pregnant in her late 40s. One gp was known to sort you out for the pill.

shesty wrote: »

But I have to wonder how the mothers coped. I know most probably just got on with it, but I would be out of my mind being stuck at home with a handful of kids all day long every day. Probably because they didn't know any different I suppose.... it's also the physical thing of going through pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy, while also taking care of the kids you have, most likely on your own because the male half of the relationship had to be out working. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

My MIL had 9 kids, some with only 9-11 months between them, she also worked outside the home and was back in work as little as 2 weeks after giving birth.
She's in he 70's now and bed bound, her body is completely worn out.

Princess Calla wrote: »

Have we just traded one set of stresses for another?

I think so, yes.

Princess Calla wrote: »

Have we just traded one set of stresses for another?

Not in my case.


I've a much better life than my mother or grandmothers had. More equal relationship in terms of parenting. It is a myth that women didn't 'go to work'-they have always worked in family businesses, hidden work like child minding or cleaning, being involved in the family farm etc. My work-life balance is way better. We can afford a holiday every year, I'm not asked at work what my husband thinks of me back to work after a baby. My husband knows a lot more about our kids than my dad or his dad would have known. Both great dads but hands off in the way dads of that age were.

I wouldn't take the life of my grandmothers, always wondering if you were pregnant after sex and knowing you were pregnant yet again and not really wanting to be but having no options. Having the priest reading out the contributions of the parish and scraping money for that. Having a husband die young of a cancer that could be treated easily today, leaving you with six kids on your own. Nope, I'll take modern medicine and legislation and a society that gives me options.

I always said I wanted two but now I’m more open to the idea of three. Saying that I only have one now so we’ll see what happens whenever we have another. I’m 32 and my partner is 30 so we are still quite young. Have an almost two year old but we can’t really have another until we buy a house (which is proving impossible!) so feel a bit stuck at the moment as we’d love another soon. Three would definitely we our max though.

youandme13 wrote: »

I really want a third so bad! We've two already, 9 years and 3 months old, both boys, my partner doesn't want anymore!! I'm definitely not done, I've always wanted 3 and since he says he's adamant my desire is getting stronger especially putting away the newborn clothes. I don't want a third just for a girl, I'd be happy with either all boys or two boys and 1 girl. We're early 30's too

Your body is most likely high on oxytocin right now.

They don't recommend you getting pregnant within the first year after birth anyway so give it time for your body to settle down.

After that if you still want a baby bring up the subject again but you need to be prepared for a "no" too .

Until then enjoy your new baby, don't ruin this newborn experience wishing for another.

I have two. We were actively trying for a third when eldest developed cancer and died two years later.

I really didn't want my remaining child to be effectivey an only child but couldn't face another child having cancer. It was not genetic or even likely but my mind was just blocked. Needed time for all three of us to come to terms with the new family dynamic.

Husband wanted another and we tried after a few years but it didn't happen, and I realised later that I would not have coped anyway.

My son has grown into a lovely young man with his own family, and we are very close, in a non interfering kind of way.

eviltwin wrote: »

I had my 2nd and last at 32 and that was that. I'm 44 and a pregnancy now would be a disaster and I wouldn't continue with it. I have a nice lifestyle with one adult child and one preteen so both of them are fairly independent. My husband and myself love them dearly but feel investing in us as a couple is better for everyone. We are both busy with work, studying and social lives so there is no space for anyone else either. As much as I enjoyed the journey with my kids I'm more than happy to have that phase of my life over and done with.

You're also in a position that's likely the envy of your peers. A friend of ours had a surprise baby in their early twenties, before they even got married. They went on to have 3 more before they were 35, while most of the rest of their friends were only getting started then.

There were many years where this couple were somewhat the eejits who tied themselves down. But they're now in their mid-40s with 4 kids who all mind themselves and an adult child who can be called on for babysitting at anytime. While their mates are still bogged down with primary schoolers.

For our generation for some reason it was drilled in not to "tie yourself down" with kids before you were ready, but I think I'll be more upfront with my kids. I think having kids in your 20s is preferable to your 40s, if it at all possible. For a lot of reasons. There's never a perfect time to have them, there are always trade-offs to be made. Being able to enter your 40s without the burden of minding young children is not to be sniffed at.

wildwillow wrote: »

I have two. We were actively trying for a third when eldest developed cancer and died two years later.

I really didn't want my remaining child to be effectivey an only child but couldn't face another child having cancer. It was not genetic or even likely but my mind was just blocked. Needed time for all three of us to come to terms with the new family dynamic.



Husband wanted another and we tried after a few years but it didn't happen, and I realised later that I would not have coped anyway.

My son has grown into a lovely young man with his own family, and we are very close, in a non interfering kind of way.

I couldn't not reply. It must have been a very difficult time for all of you. I'm glad you are close to your son and have a close family.

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

Yeah, if at all possible being key here. So many factors.

I think the modern trend of most going to college and an increasing amount going for the masters also, and people wanting to buy a house before starting a family has prolonged "childhood" and delayed the process for many.

There are so many adults living at home until 30 or beyond, not conducive to starting a family.

I was 33 when first arrived and I'm only 4 days into the second, at 35. In my 20s I hadn't met the right person, and thanks to a recession kicking in when I was 21, my job prospects were crap, I'd so little money even when working full time.

I know there's never a perfect time for children but there are bad times for it. I'd love to have been younger, I'd more energy in 20s! But I'm glad to have gotten here at all.

Agreed. There is a lot of luck involved too. I finished college at 21 and met my husband the next month. Engaged at 25, married and bought house at 27 (we had both been working full-time professional jobs for 6-8 years by then and saving hard), got pregnant with my first baby at 28, second at 29 and then on my third and last at 32.

Meanwhile most of my friends are approaching their mid-30s and still single. Not for lack of trying to meet someone either. Most of them have spent considerable amounts of money travelling because the settling-down thing wasn't anywhere on the horizon having not met the right person, so they're not in the financial position to buy a house and have a baby tomorrow.

There are also so many people who start to try for a family and find that it takes many years for them to finally get there. My own parents started trying at 24 and it took them 8 years to have me. So yeah, it really is not as simple as just choosing an age to do this stuff at.

I wish I'd had all my kids before 30. But I hadn't met himself and I didn't want to have kids unless I was married.

I was the first of my friends to have kids. Now at 39 its bliss being finished with pregnancy and the newborn blurry phase. I'm in awe of my friends just starting out at this age, due to a combination of choice and timing and fertility issues.

I've also realised everyone who's entered my organisation at my level now has a masters, at minimum. And they're coming in on a lower rate than I did thanks to cuts back in the days of the crash. And they're spending a lot on rent. I was able in the madness of the celtic tiger to borrow 10 times my income as a single first time buyer. It is a lot harder getting started out in the world of work and adulthood than when I left college in 2004. We're planning our finances with the knowledge that our kids may need more advanced qualifications than we had getting jobs, and may need help with housing.

Antares35 wrote: »

I'm looking forward to the day they can wake on a Sunday morning and get their own breakfast cereal and put on the TV

I got up this morning and found my 8yo dressed for school and eating breaking and the 5yo half-dressed. I nearly fainted! It's okay though, we have a 1yo who still needs help doing everything and another on the way in a few weeks so it'll be a long time before there's actually a relaxing morning.

Definitely no more though, four is more than we'd ever planned. We started when we were 26/30 and we're 35/39 now. This pregnancy is infinitely harder on my long-suffering wife than the others were. A combination of age (her words, not mine!) and not being able to relax with the three kids makes it very hard going.

I have a gap of 15 months between my first two and large parts of the first 2 years of having two are a complete blur. It was worth it in the long run.
I enjoyed the babyhood of the third the most because I knew I'd never do it again, the older two were in school and you know the ropes at that stage.

That stage where they can get themselves dressed is transformational! And the older two here surprised us by getting out the toaster and making toast without burning themselves one Saturday morning, and even made some for the youngest. Best morning ever!

We have number two due in the next couple of weeks. Number 1 is five now - so there will be a bit of a gap. It will deffo be the end of it.

One reason we are done is that we are both in our forties. Pregnancy has really wiped out Mrs. Vagga & we both know and expect the extra few years of age will make sleepless nights and chasing a couple of kids all the harder.

Lucky I have a huge chunk of paternity leave this time, and can act as cook, cleaner & maid - to hope to make the baby baby stage easier than last time [when I went back to work after 10 days - and not long after went to America for work]

Had my first at almost 36 and my third at 40! Felt my age on the last pregnancy somewhat but was a difficult pregnancy anyways.
Have good energy levels and apart from the odd night from hell I can get by on broken sleep pretty well!
Just the way it fell for me timing wise but I'm glad I travelled extensively, lived abroad and partied well into my early 30s as I go to bed at 9.30 most nights now!
Pretty much teetotal now too.

annoyedgal wrote: »

Had my first at almost 36 and my third at 40! Felt my age on the last pregnancy somewhat but was a difficult pregnancy anyways.
Have good energy levels and apart from the odd night from hell I can get by on broken sleep pretty well!
Just the way it fell for me timing wise but I'm glad I travelled extensively, lived abroad and partied well into my early 30s as I go to bed at 9.30 most nights now!
Pretty much teetotal now too.

I’m the same - just go to bed early. Concern about energy levels wouldn’t put me off. I don’t feel I have less now than I did when younger. But I’m probably a bit smarter about managing it too. Twin pregnancy was very tough going though and I wouldn’t fancy going through that now.

Antares35 wrote: »

So pregnancy with its 40 weeks of hormones can just take a hike after this. I would genuinely fear for my mental health and how it would affect my partner, our relationship and the impact on my babies

I'm only the dad here, but honestly the way the pregnancies have gone, I don't know if our relationship could survive another.

There was a pregnancy, miscarriage, d&c, pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby, all within about 32 months. Oh and covid arriving weeks after arrival of first baby. My poor wife needs a break. A lot of highs and lows there, it has been tough on the marriage at times.

.... honestly the way the pregnancies have gone, I don't know if our relationship could survive another.

That is another part of it, that is not often spoken about. The whole "trying" part of getting a baby; the whole marks on a calendar when "it" needs to happen - after days, weeks, months, years [and maybe this is just me] after years and years - it gets really really old - and is a huge relationship strain.

But after a miscarriage and late term losses, a few goes of IVF and 7 odd years years of trying over and over. So yes, we do have number 2 due any day now [and that is amazing] - but even mention ovulation sticks and something like the sperm to egg plan to me and I shall be using a lot of "unparliamentary language"

Antares35 wrote: »

Weeping womb I think we are done after this one too. I'll be 38 with a 16 month old and a 2 month old. Christ I'm already half cracked and the second isn't even here yet... I wouldn't mind a third if it just sort of arrived by itself, but the thoughts of another pregnancy just make me panic. I'm so susceptible to hormonal changes that even the mini pill makes me borderline psychotic. Have never been able to take the pill longer than a week. So pregnancy with its 40 weeks of hormones can just take a hike after this. I would genuinely fear for my mental health and how it would affect my partner, our relationship and the impact on my babies

That's tough going! Sending you good wishes, pregnancy hormones can play havoc with your life. The bath became my saviour during the last few months, I was in it every night !

I found the first 6 months after my second baby quite hard going. Lockdown after lockdown, moving home when he was 6 weeks old, and genuinely fcuking exhausted from being cooped up with bored toddler for months over the winter and the joy of recurring mastitis. Things are so much easier since baby is on solids and more active.

And they are best pals now that he's a bit older, it's the best feeling in the world watching their interactions and genuine love for each other. I think we are all done here with two. My mam asked my toddler a while back if she'd like another baby in the house and she said, very definitely "NO".