When are you finished having kids?

RedXIV

I've 4 and I'm done. The last one was born with a gap of 6 years between her and her next sibling and going back to babies was nice at times but my god I was so much more tired in my 30s than I was in my 20s. And we had 2 pretty much back to back and that was just chaos.

Every once in the while I got pangs of "maybe one more" but then we had a small scare and we realised we were good with what we had. I'll be honest, I find it very hard, time-wise to manage 4, especially across such a cross section of ages, 1 teenager, 2 in primary and one in playschool, but we've been very lucky on the financial side with family helping with childcare and good public schools nearby.

I did think I was more patient as a parent as I got older and could explain why the youngest gets spoilt a bit, but I think that's also because I know she's my last and I'm a softie.

Foweva Awone

I'm one and done!

My boy is seven, his dad and I aren't together since he was one. I haven't been in a relationship since, nor do I want to be in one. I'm 35, so still have a leeeetle window of time left ... However I can't see myself meeting someone and getting to that stage in the relationship where we might even consider having kids in the limited time I have left.

I never imagined I'd have an only child - I always kind of expected I'd have either none, or a few (three seems a nice number to me.) It is what it is though.

Even if my circumstances were different, there are a lot of good reasons I wouldn't have another. I'm not financially stable enough - I only work part-time, and am on HAP. I'd probably have to come off a lot of my mental health meds, which could be disastrous for me (and would have a knock-on effect on my son, which wouldn't be fair.)

So yeah, that's it for me I think!

gifted

We have 3 girls....12,10 & 8.....missus wanted to go again for a boy but I knew I was finished. My mind just said no and no amount of "persuading" could get me to change my mind.

DSN

We thought we were done at 2, but still had kept a few bits, was sad seeing my youngest go off to school etc but then we had no 3 after 7 years. She's a dote & is totally spoiled we all so enjoy her but boy we knew we were SO done after her. 3 is plenty I don't know how people with more do it. And as people said the expense & ups & downs of teenage years is massive compared to when they little & cute & still adore the ground you walk on!

dinneenp

When your wife says so.

On a serious note don't have a 5th just "so the little one has a playmate and isn't too spoiled"

afkasurfjunkie

I always said I’d be happy with 2. So when I found myself expecting number 3 before I’d finished breastfeeding number 2 I knew I was done. Got my tubes tied during the c section. In saying that, I had easy pregnancies and love the babies but financially 3 is enough for us.

shesty

Out of interest has anyone had their tubes tied as a stand alone procedure and not part of a CSection?

Husband has had a vasectomy but you hear horror stories of it not working....

afkasurfjunkie

shesty wrote: »

Out of interest has anyone had their tubes tied as a stand alone procedure and not part of a CSection?

Husband has had a vasectomy but you hear horror stories of it not working....

As mentioned above Shesty I got it done during my section but as a procedure I found very little information available about it beforehand. I trawled here and online and spoke to my consultant and gp but just found that there wasn’t a lot of info on the pros/cons, side effects.

shesty

Yeah it just doesn't seem to be easily available.And the bit I have read, you seem to have to go through a lot of consultations with doctors.

Sunny Dayz

shesty wrote: »

Out of interest has anyone had their tubes tied as a stand alone procedure and not part of a CSection?

Husband has had a vasectomy but you hear horror stories of it not working....

Any time I see it brought up in a discussion group it gets shot down with “he should get a vasectomy”

Sharpyshoot

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

I always said I’d be happy with 2. So when I found myself expecting number 3 before I’d finished breastfeeding number 2 I knew I was done. Got my tubes tied during the c section. In saying that, I had easy pregnancies and love the babies but financially 3 is enough for us.

It’s 4 and more it becomes a income.

Sunny Dayz

I don’t think I ever decided I was done - I just didn’t decide I wanted another. Had my son as I turned 20. And since then I’ve not felt that I wanted any more. It’s just not occurred to me to have any more.

Antares35

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Any time I see it brought up in a discussion group it gets shot down with “he should get a vasectomy”

My OH has this feckin idea that a vasectomy will cause everything to "backup". He simply won't be convinced that the sperm just get re-absorbed or whatever. It's like trying to explain it to a child

We discussed it earlier and probably going to go with me having the coil and also using barrier method - we're on second surprise in less than two years (let down by contraception both times) and a third would be game over for us. Although even though my second isn't here yet, I still wonder if I will feel sad putting her things away. I know I was putting them away first time. And although I'm really happy with two girls, I feel a shade of sadness that we won't have a son. There's a very small part of me that's wondering if it would be madness to plan a third in a year or two

shesty

Yeah I brought it up with my doctor and that was the response - easier for him to get a vasectomy.

Antares, he may change his view when the second arrives :-)Believe it or not, I know quite a number of men my age at the same stage in life who have had one done.They are all fine!

Thanks for all the responses. Interesting how many people say they 'just know' when they're finished. I heard somebody talk about it once as the feeling that there is/isn't another baby 'out there' waiting to join the family. I am second-guessing myself so much that I don't know what I feel these days. Hubby also on the fence.

Funny enough, out of the blue, one of my older kids started talking about us having another baby at the dinner table last night. Her attitude was 'why haven't you made another baby yet??'

RedXIV

RedXIV wrote: »

I've 4 and I'm done. The last one was born with a gap of 6 years between her and her next sibling and going back to babies was nice at times but my god I was so much more tired in my 30s than I was in my 20s. And we had 2 pretty much back to back and that was just chaos.

Every once in the while I got pangs of "maybe one more" but then we had a small scare and we realised we were good with what we had. I'll be honest, I find it very hard, time-wise to manage 4, especially across such a cross section of ages, 1 teenager, 2 in primary and one in playschool, but we've been very lucky on the financial side with family helping with childcare and good public schools nearby.

I did think I was more patient as a parent as I got older and could explain why the youngest gets spoilt a bit, but I think that's also because I know she's my last and I'm a softie.

Your family sounds just like mine in a couple of years! Our youngest is definitely spoilt. Not just by us but by the older kids too. They adore her.

dinneenp

dinneenp wrote: »

When your wife says so.

On a serious note don't have a 5th just "so the little one has a playmate and isn't too spoiled"

Yes, you're right of course. I had always imagined we'd have two more rather than just the one but making a playmate for the youngest is no reason on its own. I just love babies/kids and I know I'd never regret it but at the same time it's been an exhausting year (we've both been working full time from home) and my head is telling me we don't have the energy for another.

heldel00

shesty wrote: »

Yeah I brought it up with my doctor and that was the response - easier for him to get a vasectomy.

Antares, he may change his view when the second arrives :-)Believe it or not, I know quite a number of men my age at the same stage in life who have had one done.They are all fine!

We discussed husband having vasectomy after we had our third amd he was completely agreeable. No uncertainty at all from him, it was just a definite yes.
What he didn't know was that once i saw his willingness to have a vasectomy i spoke to my consultant about having tubes tied during section and he pencilled me in for it no problem.
I only told husband night before i went in for section that i was planning on getting tubal ligation. His repsonse "fair enough. Handy enough sure when they're in there anyway.

Just an fyi, they actually cut a section out most of , if not all of the tubes rather than "tie" them or clamp them. Preventative against ovarian cancer too which was a bonus for me (family history.)

The Mighty Quinn

Baby 2 is due in a week or two...

I don't know if it's the exhaustion of pregnancy + having a 14mth old already, but at the moment, we're done. Finito. No more. My wife is adamant she can't get pregnant again, she needs her body back and her life back a bit.

When we get through the nappies and night feeds and all that with new baby, I can't see myself ever wanting to go back to it. But many say that and somehow still do. Is it rose tinted glasses after some time passes..

ax530

Visit someone with a baby, I have found myself getting to the stage when see people with a baby thinking glad I'm not at that stage.

Furze99

Four in our lot - but remember they get more expensive as they get older. Never mind the teenage years, was a time when young adults were more or less independent by late teens, early 20s. With almost compulsory third level education now, the bills and supports get bigger and are needed longer.

But how did families and women in particular manage in the past with much larger numbers of children. Different subject I guess, but worth reflecting on.

lazygal

Furze99 wrote: »

But how did families and women in particular manage in the past with much larger numbers of children. Different subject I guess, but worth reflecting on.

They didn't.

My parents both come from large families, as did my in laws. It was basic people management at best, no thought of college or even secondary school in some cases. Children kept out of school if a child needed to be minded or work needed to be done on the farm. No luxuries at all, Christmas and birthdays were minimal in terms of fuss. Not a lot of in depth care for your children as individuals, you didn't have the time or space for that. Not saying it was grim but it was the way it was at the time. My mother in law and her sisters were sent away for a few years as space was needed for the younger kids.

None of them or their siblings had more than four children. My mother went on birth control as soon as she could for 'cycle regulation', as did her mother as she was advised by her gp she could get pregnant in her late 40s. One gp was known to sort you out for the pill.

Princess Calla

Furze99 wrote: »

But how did families and women in particular manage in the past with much larger numbers of children. Different subject I guess, but worth reflecting on.

Society as a whole was completely different.

It was possible to buy a nice house in a nice area on one "man's" wages.

Payscales were different, you had women's pay, single man's pay and married man's pay. Plus there was the perception that once a man got engaged/married he was more stable and more likely to get promotion over a single man.... therefore more money coming into a family home.

Many women had no choice but had to give up their jobs upon marriage so making one earner households the norm.

One earner households also impacted the elasticity of supply and demand....house prices for example could only soar to a certain level.

It was possible to get a decent well paid job straight from school, third level wasn't needed.

There are many more reasons but they would be my "top" ones

Antares35

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

Baby 2 is due in a week or two...

I don't know if it's the exhaustion of pregnancy + having a 14mth old already, but at the moment, we're done. Finito. No more. My wife is adamant she can't get pregnant again, she needs her body back and her life back a bit.

When we get through the nappies and night feeds and all that with new baby, I can't see myself ever wanting to go back to it. But many say that and somehow still do. Is it rose tinted glasses after some time passes..

We will have 14 months between our two aswell when the second comes along in three months! I feel the same way, can't wait to go on a proper diet and exercise regime and get my body back and dress up and go out for dinner and just feel good! Same as, when I look back at when our first was a newborn it's all the nice things I remember, the cuddles, that new baby smell, just sitting in amazement watching her sleep wondering how we made something so perfect (I still do that lol). But I also know at one point it got so bad that I wanted to return to work full time after six weeks because I felt so used and useless at home, and missed the part of who I was before the baby arrived.

lazygal

ax530 wrote: »

Visit someone with a baby, I have found myself getting to the stage when see people with a baby thinking glad I'm not at that stage.

I passed a woman with two small children and a newborn in a sling yesterday and I just thought 'Oh I am SOOOOOO glad to be past that ultra needy baby stage'. I had a tubal ligation on my last section and when I got home from hospital I had serious pangs of regret, but that was totally baby brain and hormones and a really, really 'good' baby so another one felt like it would be easy. I am so happy now I didn't let those feelings overrule me and thought long term about what the best is for the entire family.

shesty

Princess Calla wrote: »

Society as a whole was completely different.

It was possible to buy a nice house in a nice area on one "man's" wages.

Payscales were different, you had women's pay, single man's pay and married man's pay. Plus there was the perception that once a man got engaged/married he was more stable and more likely to get promotion over a single man.... therefore more money coming into a family home.

Many women had no choice but had to give up their jobs upon marriage so making one earner households the norm.

One earner households also impacted the elasticity of supply and demand....house prices for example could only soar to a certain level.

It was possible to get a decent well paid job straight from school, third level wasn't needed.

There are many more reasons but they would be my "top" ones

But I have to wonder how the mothers coped. I know most probably just got on with it, but I would be out of my mind being stuck at home with a handful of kids all day long every day. Probably because they didn't know any different I suppose.... it's also the physical thing of going through pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy, while also taking care of the kids you have, most likely on your own because the male half of the relationship had to be out working. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

lazygal

A lot of women didn't cope. They died giving birth or had life long health issues from birth injuries. And post natal depression was untreated unless you were so bad you ended up in a psychiatric institution. My own mother had huge issues with her manager going to work after maternity leave in the early 80s. It was seen as her taking a job from a man who needed it more when she was married and her husband was working.

lrushe

shesty wrote: »

But I have to wonder how the mothers coped. I know most probably just got on with it, but I would be out of my mind being stuck at home with a handful of kids all day long every day. Probably because they didn't know any different I suppose.... it's also the physical thing of going through pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy, while also taking care of the kids you have, most likely on your own because the male half of the relationship had to be out working. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

My MIL had 9 kids, some with only 9-11 months between them, she also worked outside the home and was back in work as little as 2 weeks after giving birth.
She's in he 70's now and bed bound, her body is completely worn out.

Princess Calla

shesty wrote: »

But I have to wonder how the mothers coped. I know most probably just got on with it, but I would be out of my mind being stuck at home with a handful of kids all day long every day. Probably because they didn't know any different I suppose.... it's also the physical thing of going through pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy, while also taking care of the kids you have, most likely on your own because the male half of the relationship had to be out working. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

I suppose there's a few different answers to that.

First is probably "the village" the majority of other mothers were at home so I presume once chores were done going out to the park or each other's houses was the done thing.

Not really "knowing any different" would be another.

The churches stance on contraception and what a wife's duty was (marriage rape not recognised) , pregnancy may not have been a choice.

"Mothers little helper"- valium probably took the edge off for some.

The fact that they campaigned for change and equal rights etc suggests that they weren't overly happy or blindly accepting the situation either, but change is slow.

I still don't think equal rights is there, but it's definitely better.

However, I do wonder if we will look back on this period also asking how parents coped with the stress of creche and school runs, trying to get everything done in work in time for creche pick up. Then having the usual house admin stuff : dinners, washing, cleaning etc on top of full time jobs.

Have we just traded one set of stresses for another?

The Mighty Quinn

Princess Calla wrote: »

Have we just traded one set of stresses for another?

I think so, yes.