Separation after wife affair. Father's rights..

bellucio · 04-09-2019 6:54pm #1

Hi all

I recently found out my wife of 10+ years(20 years together) had been having an affair with work colleague for 8 months. When I confronted her, she denied before I provided evidence.she told me it was over and she was going to tell me. Not very believable to be honest.

We spent the next couple of days talking about it, but after six days she dropped the bombshell she wanted to move. So she started, found a house locally and is taking the kids (10 & 7) 4 days a week while I get them 3 days. I'm having to pay rent and the mortgage on both houses, along with all family home expenses. This is literally going to take 75% of my salary. I'm also left with the credit card debt of around €1200 which the majority is family expenses. She wants to keep child benefit as well..

I've tried everything to get her to stay, and we try and work it out... Her answer is no to everything and is hell bent on moving out.. This weekend actually. Only a very small group know about the affair and we agreed to keep it that way mainly for the kids..

I'm wondering how am I fixed legally.. Is it right that she can take the kids, for half the week, and I pay so much? I don't want them to not see her, as she always was a good mother but I'm losing out here.

However, I've done nothing wrong, provided my family with everything required while she was spending money on herself and going away for nights with him. (under the guise of work nights out)

I didn't have much of a social life myself besides training with local club - alot due to money not been available. Now I'm losing my kids for half the week, in debt (which isn't huge, but I'm on the backfoot already)

We have said we don't want to go legal yet just see how living seperate works out. However I have my suspicious she is back having a relationship with this guy.. Even before she moves out & after me trying so hard to make things work.

I'm trying to be amicable but every time I see her I'm so angry at what she has done to the family..

So should I just shut up and take my kids now that I can, even for half the week.. Would I have any leg to stand on if going legal considering the circumstances? Or is it the usual in Ireland legal system that the father is second best no matter what..

Thanks for advice and apologies for long winded story

Snotty · 04-09-2019 6:58pm

Speak to a solicitor immediately, I guarantee you she has already.

Abba987 · 04-09-2019 6:58pm

bellucio wrote: »

Hi all

I recently found out my wife of 10+ years(20 years together) had been having an affair with work colleague for 8 months. When I confronted her, she denied before I provided evidence.she told me it was over and she was going to tell me. Not very believable to be honest.

We spent the next couple of days talking about it, but after six days she dropped the bombshell she wanted to move. So she started, found a house locally and is taking the kids (10 & 7) 4 days a week while I get them 3 days. I'm having to pay rent and the mortgage on both houses, along with all family home expenses. This is literally going to take 75% of my salary. I'm also left with the credit card debt of around €1200 which the majority is family expenses. She wants to keep child benefit as well..

I've tried everything to get her to stay, and we try and work it out... Her answer is no to everything and is hell bent on moving out.. This weekend actually. Only a very small group know about the affair and we agreed to keep it that way mainly for the kids..

I'm wondering how am I fixed legally.. Is it right that she can take the kids, for half the week, and I pay so much? I don't want them to not see her, as she always was a good mother but I'm losing out here.

However, I've done nothing wrong, provided my family with everything required while she was spending money on herself and going away for nights with him. (under the guise of work nights out)

I didn't have much of a social life myself besides training with local club - alot due to money not been available. Now I'm losing my kids for half the week, in debt (which isn't huge, but I'm on the backfoot already)

We have said we don't want to go legal yet just see how living seperate works out. However I have my suspicious she is back having a relationship with this guy.. Even before she moves out & after me trying so hard to make things work.

I'm trying to be amicable but every time I see her I'm so angry at what she has done to the family..

So should I just shut up and take my kids now that I can, even for half the week.. Would I have any leg to stand on if going legal considering the circumstances? Or is it the usual in Ireland legal system that the father is second best no matter what..

Thanks for advice and apologies for long winded story

I think you should speak to a solicitor. I cant imagine you have to pay for both houses in full. If she is back with himself you dont want to be paying a cent for the roof over his head.

So she wants to keep all her wages and the child benefit and you pay for everything ?

Dial Hard · 04-09-2019 7:00pm

The legal system in Ireland is that all divorces are considered no-fault. This means that it doesn't matter if either party has been unfaithful, or violent, or criminal, or anything - as far as the law is concerned, it's irrelevant.

You need to get legal advice, and ASAP. There are historical reasons that family courts *tend* to favour the mother in custody issues, but it's not always the case and it's a discussion for another thread anyway. Get a recommendation for a good family law solicitor and go for a consultation as soon as you can. It's not admitting defeat or committing to anything or any other reason that you might be reluctant to do so, it's just pure common sense.

Purple Mountain · 04-09-2019 7:03pm

Just to wade in.. Make sure the solicitor is very well versed and recommended in family law circles.
Definitely consult one, even if only for advice.
I'd be even saying not to tell her.
You have every right to protect yourself.

bellucio · 04-09-2019 8:19pm

Wasn't expecting that many replies so quick... Thanks guys...
No proof yet she is back with him, it's just my gut.. He is also married, don't know if he has left wife..
I feel so sorry for his wife if he hasn't. Not knowing is so wrong.. Very tempted to try and find the poor woman and tell her, even though I know it's probably not right and not my business.. Again there is kids there..
Anyway, on the family solicitor.. Fortunately I don't know anyone who has been through this situation so don't have people to ask locally..
To that end, does anybody know of family solicitor in north Cork or city direction?
Thanks..

bellucio · 04-09-2019 8:24pm

Abba987 wrote: »

I think you should speak to a solicitor. I cant imagine you have to pay for both houses in full. If she is back with himself you dont want to be paying a cent for the roof over his head.

So she wants to keep all her wages and the child benefit and you pay for everything ?

She will be paying bills on the new house she is staying. I've the bills for family home...
She would be on about 1/3 of my salary.

Stheno · 04-09-2019 8:26pm

Does your wife work and is her salary comparable to yours?

Homelander · 04-09-2019 8:38pm

Sorry to hear about this situation. I'm confused as to why you are paying all rent and expenses on two houses if the second house is a result of a) your wife having an affair and b) her wanting to move out? Either way, you do need to at least speak to a solicitor first before making any decisions. As for the personal aspect of it, I can't begin to imagine the pain, hurt and upset, but you need to focus on yourself and don't concern yourself with the "other man" or his own relationship with his wife.

bellucio · 04-09-2019 8:41pm

Stheno wrote: »

Does your wife work and is her salary comparable to yours?

Yes she does. 4 day week, but salary is about 36% of mine... Plus she is getting child benefit.
She will just have the new house bills, groceries etc. (outside of rent)
There is a strong possibility that this time next year, she will have a family home available (rent free or minimal rent)

bellucio · 04-09-2019 8:56pm

Homelander wrote: »

Sorry to hear about this situation. I'm confused as to why you are paying all rent and expenses on two houses if the second house is a result of a) your wife having an affair and b) her wanting to move out? Either way, you do need to at least speak to a solicitor first before making any decisions. As for the personal aspect of it, I can't begin to imagine the pain, hurt and upset, but you need to focus on yourself and don't concern yourself with the "other man" or his own relationship with his wife.

Thanks for the concern. ðŸ‘ Pain/hurt/anger /upset +more... Trying to focus on myself all right. Going to start counseling next week, so hopefully that will help. Need to try and stay strong for the kids.
Unfortunately decisions made and she is moving out this weekend..
Looking back I should have been more of a b****ix and tell her I wouldn't pay it... But then the kids would be stuck in the middle of this relationship in the house. At the moment I can barely look at her... So again, kids are my big priority, need them to be some bit ok..
I was hoping she would come to her senses and realize the mistake before the signed the lease on new place. Obviously I gave her too much credit.. ðŸ˜¡ðŸ˜¡

Yes I'm paying rent/mortgage on both, but only expenses on the family home. Where I am staying. She will pay those.
Pain

Car99 · 04-09-2019 9:32pm

What is your reasoning for paying rent on her new place ? She will be set up in her new place and then tell you she wants half the value of the family home so you'll either have to sell or buy her out.

GarIT · 04-09-2019 10:53pm

How do you have to pay anything? Make sure your salary is going into your own private account and make sure you don't give her a single cent for anything until a custody and maintenance agreement in place.

Keep reccords/evidence of anything jointly owned that you pay like the mortgage.

Talk to a solicitor ASAP.

Another day · 05-09-2019 8:10pm

Absolutely stop paying her rent! It is her choice to move out. Splitting time with the kids is great, they will feel wanted and not abandoned. As they spend so much time with you, you don't need to pay maintenance, just split school and medical bills. Don't bad mother their mother.

Get legal advice as advised previously. If you have a joint account only put kids related funds into it and tell your ex that's what you are doing. Move house bills etc to your own account. Write to your bank advising them of the separation and that no loans are to be issued with tge house as security. If you have savings, split them and get her to sign for the money. Only make payments via bank transfer to her, have a trail.

donkeykong5 · 05-09-2019 8:24pm

Stop paying for her in the rented house immediately. Shes working herself. Let her pay for it.

Tzardine · 05-09-2019 8:32pm

Paying for her house is mental. I genuinely dont mean to sound like a d1ck, but she is making a mug of you and laughing all the way. You pay her rent after she has an affair on you.

Straight to a reputable family law solicitor you need to go.

I wish you well.

Edit - I would also not be so quick to keep the affair secret. This only benefits her. You dont want people to assume something else and potentially think you were at fault or the issue. There is no shame in the truth for you, only for her.

bellucio · 06-09-2019 1:20am

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

Re the rent.. The only reason I'm paying that is to put a roof over my kids heads. There is no way she could afford the rent on her salary alone.
Saying that if I find out she is back with him, I'm 100% pulling it.
Should I have been stronger at the start and just tell her to f**k off without the kids, probably yes.

She wanted to leave, said she was taking the kids 4 days. I was afraid at the time that if I contested, and we went the legal route that I would see them even less. I was/am still fuming that they are losing out on me for four days, through no fault of mine or theirs.
However as far as I knew, that's the Irish legal system. Fall on side of mother no matter what.. Plus I was still in shock at the whole thing and hoping that a bit of space for a while might help.. I was willing to make a go of things.maybe that was the denial phase. Looking back, huge mistake I know.

Through all of this I'm just trying to put the kids first, make it easy as possible for them. Have they blinded my judgment? maybe but I won't feel bad for trying to look after them first.. Isn't that what a father is supposed to do?

I'm meeting a family law solicitor Monday to discuss the situation. Hopefully I can get some answers and advice. She comes recommended by someone who has seen this thread so it was worth starting it!

As for making the affair common knowledge.. Again it's the kids I'm trying to protect. She was/is a good mother (aprt from the breaking up of the family! )
Part of me doesn't want to blacken their image of her.. She doesn't talk to her mother who walked out when she was young. I don't want that for my kids. They deserve their mother, even if she has been an absolute b**ch...

In a way I do feel ashamed.. How did I not see this sooner? I've been taken for a mug since early this year. Even my 95 year old grandmother said to me the other night "I knew there was something up"... I know other family members on both sides are suspicious as well..

One of the other reasons I agreed to keep it quiet at the start was if we happened to make a second go what people would say.. At this moment however, I can't see anyway back..

Where do I go now..
Kids this weekend.. Make the most of this time. Solicitor Monday, counseling Tuesday. Busy few days..

Thanks again for all the comments/advise/kick in the a**e.. Appreciate them all..

jimmycrackcorm · 09-09-2019 2:49pm

bellucio wrote: »

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

Re the rent.. The only reason I'm paying that is to put a roof over my kids heads. There is no way she could afford the rent on her salary alone.

But they already have a roof over their heads... You're living there.

No need to be pandering to here. But basically you're screwed regardless once it goes to a judge.

The only way to get it of that Mrs is of at that time you don't have a job and can't be forced to pay out.

FishOnABike · 09-09-2019 3:17pm

Are both houses convenient to the children's schools, friends and activities? In my view whatever causes least disruption to the children is best - that might mean them remaining in the family home with you. You need to consider you and your wife's working arrangements and childcare arrangements to figure what new arrangements will work best..

Your wife has chosen to destroy the family by having an affair and deciding to walk out on the family (both your children and you). If she wants to walk away that's her business but she should not be dragging your children into it - and it appears she is.

Child benefit is paid to the children's mother by default. It can be assigned to another person - whichever parent the children spend most time with. This is probably why (on advice) that she wants the children with her for four days per week - even though this is taking them from the environment they are familiar with.

If your children are spending 4 days per week with her and 3 with you there will be a strong argument that she should remain in the family home with them and you should move out to find other accommodation.

Unfortunately men do not usually fare well in family law if things turn legal. Your wife has certainly been considering this for some time before you discovered. Her actions show signs that she has already received advice, legal or otherwise, to protect her own interests at the expense of the family. I'd make sure you get the best legal advice you can to make sure you are aware of the possible future implications of any decisions no matter how innocent they might now seem.

She has chosen to walk out. I would be insisting your children remain in the family home but agree an access schedule for her to see them. It is crazy that she essentially expects you to pay to facilitate her actions.

mlem123 · 09-09-2019 4:07pm

I get you wanting to make sure things are OK for the kids, but paying her rent is ridiculous. For your own conscience and for your kids say you will pay for 3 months rent (for example), and after that it is up to herself. Pay what you think is fair for child support then.

If she complains you can tell her that she could find something smaller or have the kids move in with you while she finds something - I don't see how she's not trying to become a full time worker now that she's on one income (although with you paying rent there's no incentive).

Glad to hear you're getting legal advice, I'd say she already has seeing that she has found a place to say so quick..

Keep the focus on the children, but don't let her make a fool of you having her cake and eating it too.

Ronin247 · 09-09-2019 6:54pm

You have my sympathy OP.
A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. He was paying rent and mortgage and has the kids 3 days...... Friday night to Monday morning.
His ex has the days when they are in school and freedom to have a life at the weekend while he worked all week and minds his kids at the weekend.
Get a good lawyer even if it costs a fortune because you will be paying one way or another.

Good luck.

paw patrol · 09-09-2019 7:49pm

OP make sure your solicitor is a family law one . You are wasting your time and money with one who isn't.

Also pay for the kids expenses only (only part of) do not pay her rent or anything she has.
the money she gets for the kids off you and the child benefit is hers to manage with now.

She isn't your concern anymore - let her sort herself out. The fact she earns less than you is her issue not yours.

And don't take her back either. Go enjoy your life.

SEPT 23 1989 · 10-09-2019 10:08pm

What are you feeling ashamed about?

your kids will eventually find out the truth about their mother

Hold your head up

utyh2ikcq9z76b · 10-09-2019 10:15pm

You should have a long look in the mirror about how pathetic you where trying to work it out, hold on to your dignity, it's all you have left.

Be strategic if you don't pay the rent for now, she could well throw you out of your home. Angle to have the kids 4 days a week, be the parent who is in charge of getting them dressed/breakfast/dinner getting to school/activities/birthday parties, buy there clothes etc etc then in a year go for full custody and demand maintenance from her

Webdoctor · 10-09-2019 10:33pm

I hadn't thought about that 4 day 3 day thing

I remember when I split up with the wife I was doing that 3 day weekend with 3 kids

Collecting them early Friday while handing over a check and dropping them back Monday on the way to work

It was exhausting but she used to talk a lot about the law alright so I guess she knew what she was doing.

You get your freedom though

Dtp1979 · 10-09-2019 10:41pm

I’m assuming of the custody is split so both do say 3.5 days each then there should be no maintenance paid to either party?

utyh2ikcq9z76b · 10-09-2019 10:47pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

I’m assuming of the custody is split so both do say 3.5 days each then there should be no maintenance paid to either party?

Doesn't work like that, the court will decide on a primary care giver

Webdoctor · 10-09-2019 10:52pm

At least one person has to be reasonable for the sake of the children

If both are reasonable that's great ,in general

Dtp1979 · 10-09-2019 10:54pm

Issac Repulsive Statue wrote: »

Doesn't work like that, the court will decide on a primary care giver

Based on what?

Suckit · 10-09-2019 11:48pm

OP, I had a friend who went through something similar and he asked a few of us to look around for information for him and help where we could.
I asked around about advice and a solicitor, and one bit of advice that seemed to be mentioned more than once was whatever he was giving her in terms of money and paying for, it would be deemed that he could afford to give her that by the Judge for future.
So if a Judge see's you are paying her rent and giving her money, it may no longer be your decision to pull the money even if you do find out she is still having an affair with the same guy.
You should definitely talk to that solicitor on Monday and not pay her rent imho.

It is a horrible position to be in, and you seem (by your posts) to be handling it much calmer than I think I would be able to. My friend was also fairly calm and I couldn't understand it (he was broken inside though). Now he isn't fond of her at all, she still uses their children as a tool, but he is used to her now, and see's her in a different light.
He is also doing fairly well on Tinder, but that's another story.

10-09-2019 11:52pm

Webdoctor wrote: »

I hadn't thought about that 4 day 3 day thing

I remember when I split up with the wife I was doing that 3 day weekend with 3 kids

Collecting them early Friday while handing over a check and dropping them back Monday on the way to work

It was exhausting but she used to talk a lot about the law alright so I guess she knew what she was doing.

You get your freedom though

Freedom to go out on a Tuesday night? Whoop de doo. That 3.day weekend custody is a joke. The kids are in school during the week. Realistically the 3 day weekend is something like 70% of the active time with your kids at a time when you could meet up with friends for no money.

Separation after wife affair. Father's rights..

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