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Where Did I Go Wrong?

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  • 23-02-2021 6:13pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all,

    I met an absolutely wonderful girl on Tinder. We had been chatting on the phone and texting for the last 4 months and everything was so good, much better than any girl I've met before.

    She was having issues in work and was chatting to me about it. I saw something on Facebook for counselling for people with work issues so I sent it to her in case it might have been of interest to her.

    She absolutely flew off the handle and blocked me on whatsapp, facebook etc. saying that she was highly insulted and that I was incredibly cheeky.

    I sent it to her because I care about her and thought it would help. I'm an absolute ball of misery over this and she will not talk to me about it.

    Might be worth mentioning that she had a go at me over something else and I forgave her without question. Am I not allowed make a mistake albeit I didn't think it was a mistake and thought I was doing the right thing.

    Thanks.


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    #2
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,682 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Chatting and texting - but never met in real life?

    It doesn’t mean anything until you meet....loads of people just want pen pals for when they are bored in lockdown.

    It sounds like you did a nice thing for her and she reacted in an extreme way - and you say she did that before too??? Sounds like a lucky escape....


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    #3
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,060 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    I can’t see you having done anything wrong but she sounds like a head wrecker
    You can bet she’ll be nice again once you withdraw to reel you back in


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    #4
    Iguarantee
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭Iguarantee


    My advice would be to treat these situations with the weight they deserve; you never met this person and you only have what she has decided to tell you. You would likely learn more over a 2 hour dinner with her than all the calls and texts you’ve had because your instincts would perhaps give you additional info that you just can’t get over remote communication e.g. body language.

    Move on, she sounds like a tool.


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    #5
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users Posts: 604 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    Maybe restrictions played a part in preventing meeting? Did ye discuss it?

    Tbh if she flew off the handle over that and it's not her first time I don't think you've done anything wrong, sounds like a bullet dodged


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    #6
    kapisko1PL
    Registered Users Posts: 277 ✭✭kapisko1PL


    Assuming that everything you said is true I think it's a slight overreaction from her side.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    We met on Saturday and had a lovely day. I gave her loads of flowers and presents for Valentine’s Day and her birthday. On Sunday we arranged our second date, all was good and then this happens.

    Thanks all for your replies.


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    #8
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,682 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    questioning everything wrote: »
    We met on Saturday and had a lovely day. I gave her loads of flowers and presents for Valentine’s Day and her birthday. On Sunday we arranged our second date, all was good and then this happens.

    Thanks all for your replies.

    This sounds very intense - if i got loads of presents for Valentine’s and birthday on a first date I would freak out. A rose maybe but presents????
    However some people may be into this kind of intensity super early on so who am I to judge.

    It could the case OP that she felt you were too full on and used the being annoyed at the counselling recommendation as her out. Bad form but maybe. If she did flip merely because of that she is clearly a bit mad and you are better off.


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    #9
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    If she's willing to stop talking to you over your well-meaning attempt to support her, regardless of whether it's clumsy from her perspective or not, then it's not really a reasonable human you're dealing with here. The fact that she's "had a go" at you already supports this idea. Let her off. Find someone mature and ready for commitment if that's what you're after. And don't invest in someone that you've only had a penpal relationship with and spent no real time with in person.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    YellowLead wrote: »
    This sounds very intense - if i got loads of presents for Valentine’s and birthday on a first date I would freak out. A rose maybe but presents????
    However some people may be into this kind of intensity super early on so who am I to judge.

    It could the case OP that she felt you were too full on and used the being annoyed at the counselling recommendation as her out. Bad form but maybe. If she did flip merely because of that she is clearly a bit mad and you are better off.

    It was a big bouquet of flowers and a packet of crunchies. I may have overstated it by saying “loads”


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    #11
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    Sounds like you deserve better.
    You only met her for the first time last weekend and within a few days she flies off the handle over something clearly mundane.... is there a chance that this is just a brush off and a crappy excuse to stop talking to you because maybe she didn’t feel it when ye met?


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    #12
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,682 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    questioning everything wrote: »
    It was a big bouquet of flowers and a packet of crunchies. I may have overstated it by saying “loads”

    Okay lol sorry :)


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    #13
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Hmmm

    I think if someone I dated suggested counseling i would maybe go ..hmmmm not what i wanted ..i usually just want people to listen ...men tend to be solution orientated...rather than listeners.

    But i don't think i would block him on social media etc. I would just go ..ok he doesn't get it. Then i would tell him that and how i need him to react etc.

    She over reacted.


    I don't think she knows men very well ...or how problem solver types deal with stuff.

    You kind of have to explain to people what you want from them etc.


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    #14
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,682 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »


    I don't think she knows men very well ...or how problem solver types deal with stuff.

    Agree I’d be a tad miffed too but if I liked somebody I wouldn’t end it or block him. Is she very young OP?


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    #15
    MetzgerMeister
    Registered Users Posts: 19,854 ✭✭✭✭MetzgerMeister


    OK, I'm going overt on this as I'm sick of having to type a username all the time!

    Thanks again for all the replies folks.

    With regard to one poster's comment about everything I'm saying being true - what would be the point in my coming here and lying about the situation? I don't need the approval of strangers to make myself feel better by posting an incorrect account of what happened :)

    She was the one who suggested we meet up again first. I see where you're coming from as in she was using this as an excuse but it doesn't make sense to me.

    I'm 35, she's 37.

    I have been listening to what she says, with great intent. The reason I suggested this is because I thought they could offer better advice than I could. I told her that I was glad to be the one to whom she spoke about these things when she was apologising for ranting on which I honestly didn't mind. I couldn't have been more accommodating.

    YellowLead - no need for apologies, it was my mistake for overstating :)


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    #16
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,682 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    By all accounts blocking somebody because they suggested counselling after you had discussed difficulties despite having met them them for a date and suggested a second is not the actions of a mature, nice person you want to spend time with.

    Either she is a drama queen (run a mile) or changed her mind about you despite suggesting date 2 (hence time to move on).

    Online dating is full of people blowing hot and cold - don’t take them too seriously.


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    #17
    The chan chan man
    Registered Users Posts: 824 ✭✭✭The chan chan man


    Lesson learned. Women don’t want solutions, nor do they know what they want. But they do want you to listen to them not knowing what they want.

    Follow that and you’ll be grand!

    Ps, that one sounds like a nutjob. Lucky escape if you ask me.


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    #18
    Wanderer78
    Registered Users Posts: 28,853 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    Questioning Everything wrote:
    Might be worth mentioning that she had a go at me over something else and I forgave her without question. Am I not allowed make a mistake albeit I didn't think it was a mistake and thought I was doing the right thing.

    As they say, dodged a bullet, a sign of emotional maturity is not flying off the handle at people that care about you. Be aware, many emotionally unstable folks, male and female, are congregating on dating apps, it's probably best to walk away here


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    #19
    Zebrag
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 158 ✭✭Zebrag


    My understanding of this girl is that she allowed you to know her well enough to admit that she's struggling mentally in some aspects of her life and I can assume she chatted enough about this to give you reasons that she might be in need of help from a professional
    I don't class this as a terrible thing at all. You've sent her on details that I am sure many people would be appreciative of in a time that they need help and have asked for help subtly or bluntly, I fail to see her out burst
    So much so to say that I can't think of any reasons to her outburst other than the fact that she was probably holding onto you for reassurance and advice. Don't quote me on this but I wouldn't be surprised if she was mainly looking for a small time pen pal to vent and air her problems without the need to physically do anything else
    Think of it as, attention seeking. I hate to use this term as I know those who suffer with mental health issues, and myself, there's a difference between attention seeking and genuinely asking for help but I fail to understand that if she is suffering with any mental health problems in aspects of her life that to have a full blown defensive barrier put up towards someone you've spoken in a short amount of time about your problems... Doesn't sit easy with me

    Either this girl is already showing her true colours in terms of how unpredictable she is for the fact that her personality is unstable or she genuinely could be suffering and is avoiding professional help for reasons known to her. I don't think you will ever get 100% answers to this girl and I think you might have more time trying to figure her out altogether than thinking you actually know her

    It's a bit of a catch 22 I think. You can stick it out, learn to get to know her and figure out her unpredictability leading to probably more questions and frustrations or you can let yourself enjoy the nice memory you had but move on and venture to other possibilities. I'm not saying to avoid her or to carry on but with either outcomes, something will end up making you lose patience with the girl.

    Remember, you only know her from chatting online for 4 months. Although you've met, changes of personality from online and physically can be changed dramatically. What she says online, she probably wouldn't have the nerve to say in person and vise versa. Take a step back and see this is a small friendship and give it a while before you think about anything else


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    #20
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    The chan chan man, generalisations are unhelpful and against the charter.


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    #21
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    The common advice given to people online dating is usually don't invest too much time being a pen pal before actually meeting up. You were texting each other for 4 months before meeting. An expectation had built up. And maybe after the meeting she felt it just wasn't going to work out. I know she agreed to another date, but it's easier to agree to someone's face and then back out over text.

    She has flown off the handle at you twice in a short period of time. Once when you hadn't even spoken face to face yet. You don't know a whole lot about her really, but you already know she's dramatic and impulsive and prone to blowing a fuse over well intentioned communication from you.

    I know you think you've invested 4 months in her and feel like there should be something better than this at the end. But I think you should think of it like, you've texted her for a while, met her once, and have found out a relationship with her will never be relaxed and plain sailing.

    If you like the idea of a tumultuous relationship where you are at the mercy of her moods and outbursts then wait for her to unblock you and come back telling you she will give you another chance but you better make more of an effort. Or the option I would choose, block her yourself. Don't give her the opportunity. She's made it clear she's not capable of mature discussion and reaction to something well-meaning. The temptation will be to try contact her or to leave the door open for her to contact you, but whatever way it happens this is not going to be happy ever after.

    Cut your losses now. She's not able for a relationship yet. And next person you're talking to, if they start moaning about their life and looking for support in such a short time and before you've even met, politely make your excuses and move on.


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    #22
    No again Danni
    Closed Accounts Posts: 52 ✭✭No again Danni


    Maybe she really fancies you and is getting frustrated in lockdown.


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    #23
    MetzgerMeister
    Registered Users Posts: 19,854 ✭✭✭✭MetzgerMeister


    Zebrag wrote: »
    <Snip>No need to quote full post.

    All very good points. Thank you for taking the time to write such a long and helpful post.

    I won't be contacting her though as she has blocked me everywhere and there is absolutely no point in trying to call her as it will only make things worse.
    No again Danni wrote: »
    Maybe she really fancies you and is getting frustrated in lockdown.

    All previous signs and communication would point to the former. We're all frustrated in lockdown so it's highly unfair of her to take it out on me.


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    #24
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    In my eyes, she owes you an apology for a huge overreaction so I wouldn't be contacting her again anyway - the ball is in her court, and if she doesn't apologise, then you should count it as a dodged bullet.


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    #25
    Larbre34
    Registered Users Posts: 23,842 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    In my eyes, she owes you an apology for a huge overreaction so I wouldn't be contacting her again anyway - the ball is in her court, and if she doesn't apologise, then you should count it as a dodged bullet.

    Couldn't agree more. Thats an insane reaction and grossly unfair.

    Although you will no doubt grieve the potential of the relationship, it was in no way your fault so do not give yourself a hard time over it. Her loss.


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    #26
    TheadoreT
    Registered Users Posts: 925 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    If you were in contact for 4 months and then only met for the first time and she blocked you soon after that the reality is she wasn't feeling you in real life. The blowing up over your counciling advice was definitely an excuse to get out.

    You invested waaaaay too much in this. Meeting for the first time in real life is like basically starting again so any form of present is intense imo.

    Obviously lockdowns have a baring but I invest very little in early chat on dating websites, usually after a couple of messages I say "I prefer getting to know someone in real life than online, fancy going for a walk(coffee/whatever you like doing)". You'll weed out those who are only messing around for an ego boost. You wont form an ideal version of the person in your mind. You wont develop feelings like you might if texting for weeks on end. Online life isnt reality, so try getting to the real part as quick as possible.


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    #27
    The chan chan man
    Registered Users Posts: 824 ✭✭✭The chan chan man


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    The chan chan man, generalisations are unhelpful and against the charter.

    Understood. It was however our relationship therapist (female) who told me that in front of my wife. One of my problems is, like most men (apologies for the generalisation) I’m a fixer! :)


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    #28
    Gekko
    Registered Users Posts: 1,189 ✭✭✭Gekko


    If she was insulted by a suggestion of counselling which was meant in good faith and trying to be helpful, clearly her ego is very very fragile

    But if she also said you’re very cheeky it adds some weirdness as it suggests an interpretation on her part that you meant no harm

    For her then to block you everywhere is clearly a strange overreaction on her part that doesn’t really add up given the above

    It suggests she has deeper unresolved issues

    Probably all you can do now is give her time and space and see if she unblocks you and gets back in touch

    Because of the pandemic, ordinarily small issues are magnified and our heightened emotions can cause overreaction (I have done this and had this done with consequences for me)

    She may see things more clearly in time and come back to you

    Best of luck


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    #29
    MetzgerMeister
    Registered Users Posts: 19,854 ✭✭✭✭MetzgerMeister


    Gekko wrote: »
    But if she also said you’re very cheeky it adds some weirdness as it suggests an interpretation on her part that you meant no harm

    To give some reference, the texts were more like:

    How dare you, I don't need a counsellor just because my boss is being an asshole. You're really fvcking cheeky

    followed by

    Wow

    followed by blocked


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    #30
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    It sounds like she interpreted it as you saying SHE'S the problem and that she needed counselling to stop being the problem, rather than as you meant it - that the counselling could support her in dealing with the problem.

    It sounds like a massive over-reaction on her part, but it also suggests that she's a defensive person who jumps to conclusions and reacts quickly and explosively. That's a fairly exhausting combination as you end up walking on eggshells around a person like that, afraid that anything you say could set them off. Reading back, you actually said something like this had happened before - twice in such a short period of time is a sure-fire sign that it's a personality pattern for her, and if this incident hadn't been the one that she blocked you after, the next one or the one after that surely would have been. And I can guarantee there would have been future incidents!

    Ironically enough, it makes me wonder if she actually is the problem in the work scenario you described. That kind of personality would be hard to manage. As they say, "if everyone around you is the problem, maybe you're the problem".

    It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, other than over-invest in a person you didn't really know. We've all done it! It's so easy to see potential and suddenly have a vision of what 'could be', and then we have to grieve that loss when it doesn't work out. My advice is just to try to accept that this happened, stop trying to analyse it and seek fault, and just put it behind you.


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    #31
    MetzgerMeister
    Registered Users Posts: 19,854 ✭✭✭✭MetzgerMeister


    What miffs me is that the counselling was actually something she herself suggested. One night when we were chatting I was giving her advice and she replied "you sound like a counsellor....maybe a counsellor is what I need"...

    I don't think an apology will be forthcoming. I feel she has drawn a line in the sand and moved on which is what I will also do.


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