Where Did I Go Wrong?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I met an absolutely wonderful girl on Tinder. We had been chatting on the phone and texting for the last 4 months and everything was so good, much better than any girl I've met before.

She was having issues in work and was chatting to me about it. I saw something on Facebook for counselling for people with work issues so I sent it to her in case it might have been of interest to her.

She absolutely flew off the handle and blocked me on whatsapp, facebook etc. saying that she was highly insulted and that I was incredibly cheeky.

I sent it to her because I care about her and thought it would help. I'm an absolute ball of misery over this and she will not talk to me about it.

Might be worth mentioning that she had a go at me over something else and I forgave her without question. Am I not allowed make a mistake albeit I didn't think it was a mistake and thought I was doing the right thing.

Thanks.

YellowLead

Chatting and texting - but never met in real life?

It doesn’t mean anything until you meet....loads of people just want pen pals for when they are bored in lockdown.

It sounds like you did a nice thing for her and she reacted in an extreme way - and you say she did that before too??? Sounds like a lucky escape....

Jequ0n

I can’t see you having done anything wrong but she sounds like a head wrecker
You can bet she’ll be nice again once you withdraw to reel you back in

Iguarantee

My advice would be to treat these situations with the weight they deserve; you never met this person and you only have what she has decided to tell you. You would likely learn more over a 2 hour dinner with her than all the calls and texts you’ve had because your instincts would perhaps give you additional info that you just can’t get over remote communication e.g. body language.

Move on, she sounds like a tool.

Sonic the Shaghog

Maybe restrictions played a part in preventing meeting? Did ye discuss it?

Tbh if she flew off the handle over that and it's not her first time I don't think you've done anything wrong, sounds like a bullet dodged

kapisko1PL

Assuming that everything you said is true I think it's a slight overreaction from her side.

LegacyUser

We met on Saturday and had a lovely day. I gave her loads of flowers and presents for Valentine’s Day and her birthday. On Sunday we arranged our second date, all was good and then this happens.

Thanks all for your replies.

YellowLead

questioning everything wrote: »

We met on Saturday and had a lovely day. I gave her loads of flowers and presents for Valentine’s Day and her birthday. On Sunday we arranged our second date, all was good and then this happens.

Thanks all for your replies.

This sounds very intense - if i got loads of presents for Valentine’s and birthday on a first date I would freak out. A rose maybe but presents????
However some people may be into this kind of intensity super early on so who am I to judge.

It could the case OP that she felt you were too full on and used the being annoyed at the counselling recommendation as her out. Bad form but maybe. If she did flip merely because of that she is clearly a bit mad and you are better off.

bitofabind

If she's willing to stop talking to you over your well-meaning attempt to support her, regardless of whether it's clumsy from her perspective or not, then it's not really a reasonable human you're dealing with here. The fact that she's "had a go" at you already supports this idea. Let her off. Find someone mature and ready for commitment if that's what you're after. And don't invest in someone that you've only had a penpal relationship with and spent no real time with in person.

LegacyUser

YellowLead wrote: »

This sounds very intense - if i got loads of presents for Valentine’s and birthday on a first date I would freak out. A rose maybe but presents????
However some people may be into this kind of intensity super early on so who am I to judge.

It could the case OP that she felt you were too full on and used the being annoyed at the counselling recommendation as her out. Bad form but maybe. If she did flip merely because of that she is clearly a bit mad and you are better off.

It was a big bouquet of flowers and a packet of crunchies. I may have overstated it by saying “loads”

Ann84

Sounds like you deserve better.
You only met her for the first time last weekend and within a few days she flies off the handle over something clearly mundane.... is there a chance that this is just a brush off and a crappy excuse to stop talking to you because maybe she didn’t feel it when ye met?

YellowLead

questioning everything wrote: »

It was a big bouquet of flowers and a packet of crunchies. I may have overstated it by saying “loads”

Okay lol sorry

ILoveYourVibes

Hmmm

I think if someone I dated suggested counseling i would maybe go ..hmmmm not what i wanted ..i usually just want people to listen ...men tend to be solution orientated...rather than listeners.

But i don't think i would block him on social media etc. I would just go ..ok he doesn't get it. Then i would tell him that and how i need him to react etc.

She over reacted.


I don't think she knows men very well ...or how problem solver types deal with stuff.

You kind of have to explain to people what you want from them etc.

YellowLead

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I don't think she knows men very well ...or how problem solver types deal with stuff.

Agree I’d be a tad miffed too but if I liked somebody I wouldn’t end it or block him. Is she very young OP?

MetzgerMeister

OK, I'm going overt on this as I'm sick of having to type a username all the time!

Thanks again for all the replies folks.

With regard to one poster's comment about everything I'm saying being true - what would be the point in my coming here and lying about the situation? I don't need the approval of strangers to make myself feel better by posting an incorrect account of what happened

She was the one who suggested we meet up again first. I see where you're coming from as in she was using this as an excuse but it doesn't make sense to me.

I'm 35, she's 37.

I have been listening to what she says, with great intent. The reason I suggested this is because I thought they could offer better advice than I could. I told her that I was glad to be the one to whom she spoke about these things when she was apologising for ranting on which I honestly didn't mind. I couldn't have been more accommodating.

YellowLead - no need for apologies, it was my mistake for overstating

YellowLead

By all accounts blocking somebody because they suggested counselling after you had discussed difficulties despite having met them them for a date and suggested a second is not the actions of a mature, nice person you want to spend time with.

Either she is a drama queen (run a mile) or changed her mind about you despite suggesting date 2 (hence time to move on).

Online dating is full of people blowing hot and cold - don’t take them too seriously.

The chan chan man

Lesson learned. Women don’t want solutions, nor do they know what they want. But they do want you to listen to them not knowing what they want.

Follow that and you’ll be grand!

Ps, that one sounds like a nutjob. Lucky escape if you ask me.

Wanderer78

Questioning Everything wrote:

Might be worth mentioning that she had a go at me over something else and I forgave her without question. Am I not allowed make a mistake albeit I didn't think it was a mistake and thought I was doing the right thing.

As they say, dodged a bullet, a sign of emotional maturity is not flying off the handle at people that care about you. Be aware, many emotionally unstable folks, male and female, are congregating on dating apps, it's probably best to walk away here

Zebrag

My understanding of this girl is that she allowed you to know her well enough to admit that she's struggling mentally in some aspects of her life and I can assume she chatted enough about this to give you reasons that she might be in need of help from a professional
I don't class this as a terrible thing at all. You've sent her on details that I am sure many people would be appreciative of in a time that they need help and have asked for help subtly or bluntly, I fail to see her out burst
So much so to say that I can't think of any reasons to her outburst other than the fact that she was probably holding onto you for reassurance and advice. Don't quote me on this but I wouldn't be surprised if she was mainly looking for a small time pen pal to vent and air her problems without the need to physically do anything else
Think of it as, attention seeking. I hate to use this term as I know those who suffer with mental health issues, and myself, there's a difference between attention seeking and genuinely asking for help but I fail to understand that if she is suffering with any mental health problems in aspects of her life that to have a full blown defensive barrier put up towards someone you've spoken in a short amount of time about your problems... Doesn't sit easy with me

Either this girl is already showing her true colours in terms of how unpredictable she is for the fact that her personality is unstable or she genuinely could be suffering and is avoiding professional help for reasons known to her. I don't think you will ever get 100% answers to this girl and I think you might have more time trying to figure her out altogether than thinking you actually know her

It's a bit of a catch 22 I think. You can stick it out, learn to get to know her and figure out her unpredictability leading to probably more questions and frustrations or you can let yourself enjoy the nice memory you had but move on and venture to other possibilities. I'm not saying to avoid her or to carry on but with either outcomes, something will end up making you lose patience with the girl.

Remember, you only know her from chatting online for 4 months. Although you've met, changes of personality from online and physically can be changed dramatically. What she says online, she probably wouldn't have the nerve to say in person and vise versa. Take a step back and see this is a small friendship and give it a while before you think about anything else

Big Bag of Chips

The chan chan man, generalisations are unhelpful and against the charter.

Big Bag of Chips

The common advice given to people online dating is usually don't invest too much time being a pen pal before actually meeting up. You were texting each other for 4 months before meeting. An expectation had built up. And maybe after the meeting she felt it just wasn't going to work out. I know she agreed to another date, but it's easier to agree to someone's face and then back out over text.

She has flown off the handle at you twice in a short period of time. Once when you hadn't even spoken face to face yet. You don't know a whole lot about her really, but you already know she's dramatic and impulsive and prone to blowing a fuse over well intentioned communication from you.

I know you think you've invested 4 months in her and feel like there should be something better than this at the end. But I think you should think of it like, you've texted her for a while, met her once, and have found out a relationship with her will never be relaxed and plain sailing.

If you like the idea of a tumultuous relationship where you are at the mercy of her moods and outbursts then wait for her to unblock you and come back telling you she will give you another chance but you better make more of an effort. Or the option I would choose, block her yourself. Don't give her the opportunity. She's made it clear she's not capable of mature discussion and reaction to something well-meaning. The temptation will be to try contact her or to leave the door open for her to contact you, but whatever way it happens this is not going to be happy ever after.

Cut your losses now. She's not able for a relationship yet. And next person you're talking to, if they start moaning about their life and looking for support in such a short time and before you've even met, politely make your excuses and move on.

No again Danni

Maybe she really fancies you and is getting frustrated in lockdown.

MetzgerMeister

Zebrag wrote: »

<Snip>No need to quote full post.

All very good points. Thank you for taking the time to write such a long and helpful post.

I won't be contacting her though as she has blocked me everywhere and there is absolutely no point in trying to call her as it will only make things worse.

No again Danni wrote: »

Maybe she really fancies you and is getting frustrated in lockdown.

All previous signs and communication would point to the former. We're all frustrated in lockdown so it's highly unfair of her to take it out on me.

ManOfMystery

In my eyes, she owes you an apology for a huge overreaction so I wouldn't be contacting her again anyway - the ball is in her court, and if she doesn't apologise, then you should count it as a dodged bullet.

Larbre34

ManOfMystery wrote: »

In my eyes, she owes you an apology for a huge overreaction so I wouldn't be contacting her again anyway - the ball is in her court, and if she doesn't apologise, then you should count it as a dodged bullet.

Couldn't agree more. Thats an insane reaction and grossly unfair.

Although you will no doubt grieve the potential of the relationship, it was in no way your fault so do not give yourself a hard time over it. Her loss.

TheadoreT

If you were in contact for 4 months and then only met for the first time and she blocked you soon after that the reality is she wasn't feeling you in real life. The blowing up over your counciling advice was definitely an excuse to get out.

You invested waaaaay too much in this. Meeting for the first time in real life is like basically starting again so any form of present is intense imo.

Obviously lockdowns have a baring but I invest very little in early chat on dating websites, usually after a couple of messages I say "I prefer getting to know someone in real life than online, fancy going for a walk(coffee/whatever you like doing)". You'll weed out those who are only messing around for an ego boost. You wont form an ideal version of the person in your mind. You wont develop feelings like you might if texting for weeks on end. Online life isnt reality, so try getting to the real part as quick as possible.

The chan chan man

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The chan chan man, generalisations are unhelpful and against the charter.

Understood. It was however our relationship therapist (female) who told me that in front of my wife. One of my problems is, like most men (apologies for the generalisation) I’m a fixer!

Gekko

If she was insulted by a suggestion of counselling which was meant in good faith and trying to be helpful, clearly her ego is very very fragile

But if she also said you’re very cheeky it adds some weirdness as it suggests an interpretation on her part that you meant no harm

For her then to block you everywhere is clearly a strange overreaction on her part that doesn’t really add up given the above

It suggests she has deeper unresolved issues

Probably all you can do now is give her time and space and see if she unblocks you and gets back in touch

Because of the pandemic, ordinarily small issues are magnified and our heightened emotions can cause overreaction (I have done this and had this done with consequences for me)

She may see things more clearly in time and come back to you

Best of luck

MetzgerMeister

Gekko wrote: »

But if she also said you’re very cheeky it adds some weirdness as it suggests an interpretation on her part that you meant no harm

To give some reference, the texts were more like:

How dare you, I don't need a counsellor just because my boss is being an asshole. You're really fvcking cheeky

followed by

Wow

followed by blocked

Faith

It sounds like she interpreted it as you saying SHE'S the problem and that she needed counselling to stop being the problem, rather than as you meant it - that the counselling could support her in dealing with the problem.

It sounds like a massive over-reaction on her part, but it also suggests that she's a defensive person who jumps to conclusions and reacts quickly and explosively. That's a fairly exhausting combination as you end up walking on eggshells around a person like that, afraid that anything you say could set them off. Reading back, you actually said something like this had happened before - twice in such a short period of time is a sure-fire sign that it's a personality pattern for her, and if this incident hadn't been the one that she blocked you after, the next one or the one after that surely would have been. And I can guarantee there would have been future incidents!

Ironically enough, it makes me wonder if she actually is the problem in the work scenario you described. That kind of personality would be hard to manage. As they say, "if everyone around you is the problem, maybe you're the problem".

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, other than over-invest in a person you didn't really know. We've all done it! It's so easy to see potential and suddenly have a vision of what 'could be', and then we have to grieve that loss when it doesn't work out. My advice is just to try to accept that this happened, stop trying to analyse it and seek fault, and just put it behind you.

MetzgerMeister

What miffs me is that the counselling was actually something she herself suggested. One night when we were chatting I was giving her advice and she replied "you sound like a counsellor....maybe a counsellor is what I need"...

I don't think an apology will be forthcoming. I feel she has drawn a line in the sand and moved on which is what I will also do.

YellowLead

Good call! Get back out there and get chatting with others, there’s plenty more fish in the sea etc.

Sounds like she just wanted somebody to vent to over lockdown who would ply her with sympathy and she wasn’t interested romantically. Maybe she didn’t have many friends she could discuss her issues with and you were a lifeline, one she felt she could dispose of. If you are into somebody romantically you don’t do a dramatic block on all channels just because they send you useful information relating to a previous discussion.

Good luck getting back out there Next time there is a red flag don’t ignore it (not easy I know I’m guilty of this myself) - like when she flew off the handle at you the first time for example.

TheadoreT

Honestly you need to stop obsessing over what she said. It's really as simple as she wasnt that into you in person. You'll drive yourself mad trying to add meaning where there is none.

It's very common in dating that you'll meet people who either you're not into or they're not into you, a mutual connection is more rare. Just be breezy about it in early days, it's all too volatile to give your heart straight away.

YellowLead

TheadoreT wrote: »

Honestly you need to stop obsessing over what she said. It's really as simple as she wasnt that into you in person. You'll drive yourself mad trying to add meaning where there is none.

It's very common in dating that you'll meet people who either you're not into or they're not into you, a mutual connect is more rare. Just be breezy about it in early days, it's all too volatile to give your heart straight away.

This honestly is the best advice

MetzgerMeister

I don't feel I'm obsessing about it, just trying to find some understanding. This kind of thing would make anyone question their own sanity and question what they themselves did wrong because it's designed to do just that.

TheadoreT

Well the understanding seems blatantly obvious to me.

Do you have issues with rejection? I used to be like that when I was younger, I'd want the other person to like me so much it would supersede my own feelings about them, or the reality that they may be treating you terribly. Even if i wasnt into them I'd stick around to see if they liked me and still be offended if i was rejected. It's just poor self esteem and comes across to the other person that way clearly.

Once you learn to value yourself and start being more discerning in dating you come across a lot better and will have far greater success.

qwerty13

You went wrong by thinking that there was far more of a mutual connection than realistically existed.

You were penpals, and when you actually met up, you treated it as though you’d been dating quite a while. She either felt no connection (but lied to save herself from an awkward situation), or perhaps she never thought of you that way.

She has a bad temper / unpredictable moods, so I’d look on it as an easy escape, and time to learn from it and move on.

bitofabind

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

I don't feel I'm obsessing about it, just trying to find some understanding. This kind of thing would make anyone question their own sanity and question what they themselves did wrong because it's designed to do just that.

The thing is, most online dating scenarios don't work out because that's life, and there's probably forty reasons or no reason at all, but either way you can't control the outcome.

It sounds like you're really attached to finding the why so you can control the outcome and not feel as rejected as you do. Which is totally normal and human. But not a good solution here because it just leads to you ruminating and obsessing and going out of your way to try to avoid rejection in the future in counter-productive ways.

What you could try working on here is two things: 1. Being grand with things not working out. You can be disappointed and sad and whatever, but it might/probably won't work with the next woman either, and that's just the process working the way it works. And 2. try to take some lessons learned from your side. Clearly this woman is not compatible, what could you have done differently? Maybe gotten less invested and spent less time talking to her online before meeting? Maybe having some hard stops in terms of personality traits that don't work for you E.G If someone seems volatile or emotionally immature, I'll stop things right away?

leggo

A couple scenarios from my past came to mind reading your post, and in both cases hindsight showed me that I'd just unknowingly hit on a nerve and their reaction was aimed at themselves and projected onto me.

For example, I remember once a girl I'd been dating a short while came over with their wrists plastered up. They told me some BS reason that couldn't possibly have been true, but I let it slide because it was their business. A few weeks later I gently brought it up that, if they ever wanted to tell me something had happened or if they were going through anything, the door was open for us to talk without judgement. All fairly reasonable, not demanding and just leaving it open and on their terms. Well...they FLIPPED. Started accusing me of saying they were a terrible parent who'd do that to their child and a million other things I hadn't said. Stormed out and didn't talk to me for a few days.

You know where this is going: a couple weeks later, after we'd made up, they of course confessed that exactly what I thought was the case was true (because obviously it was).

I could keep telling stories but I'm willing to bet good money that all that happened here was you just flew a bit too close to something on their mind anyway and they vomited their negativity and all insecurities at you. While it's obvious you shouldn't take it personally, that's a nasty trait to have and one I'd be weary of dealing with (I wouldn't date someone myself who did this again personally, for example). On some level, they'll realise this so there's a good chance they'll come crawling back. If/when they do, think very carefully if this is something you want to deal with on a semi-regular basis because, as has been pointed out, this sounds like a character trait of theirs.

I think whatever the reason actually was for the outburst....if she was really interested in you she'd have backed down and you two would have worked it out. It's really not meant to be this difficult if you both like each other. Also if I had to 'pick a side' I'd say it's more a case of her not really being that into you than any stress/mental health issues. I could have been the girl in your story a few times over in the course of my dating life and it was always because I wasn't feeling it when push came to shove.

The DayDream

She just used this as an excuse to ghost you, and is a bit of a b-word to do that when it was obvious you liked her and it would hurt you. She could have let you down easier. Perhaps her mental health has been an issue or has been mentioned to her in the past and is a sensitive issue so she got triggered by the suggestion.

But I also should say that IME you should never come in hot with the presents and flowers for a girl on a first date, even if it is V Day and even if it is only something like sweets. With Irish girls especially they freak out at the hint of a guy coming on strong, and coming on strong for them is what is fairly normal for other cultures in early stages of courting.(I know loads of Irish girls never even been asked out on a date, all the hook ups are just alcohol induced whatever). Presents early on can look a bit desperate and can turn a girl off, they immediately think they can do better, etc. Even if you're a sweet guy just don't do that stuff until later, ideally when you're already in a relationship with them. They appreciate it then. Same goes for compliments, it doesn't do anything to make a girl attracted to you. Attractive women are usually well aware of it. You don't need to tell them, doing so will just make you look like every other bozo who has told her she has lovely eyes, etc.

While it was am OTT reaction on her part, you're better off she blocked you. Don't try to contact her again, and move on. She doesn't have feelings for you, and is unkind.

MetzgerMeister

It's hard to know what to do with flowers etc. I've had dates where I didn't bother with flowers and the girl thought I wasn't interested in her and that it was odd that I didn't give her flowers. Complicated isn't the word!

YellowLead

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

It's hard to know what to do with flowers etc. I've had dates where I didn't bother with flowers and the girl thought I wasn't interested in her and that it was odd that I didn't give her flowers. Complicated isn't the word!

Really? Is that a generational thing perhaps? If somebody brought me a bunch of flowers on a first date I wouldn’t like that personally and it would put me off big time - same goes for any of my friends (I’m 36).

Now if we had gone for a walk and he pulled out a chocolate bar that would be cool - but flowers is way too much. I can’t imagine somebody thinking a guy wasn’t interested because flowers were not produced. If that happened to you once OP - do not base your future dating strategies around that experience.

MetzgerMeister

I'm 35 so same generation

Anyway I think it's time to bring this to a close. I've gotten a lot of great info from everyone and I thank you all for it.

Hopefully I won't be back here again after my next first date :pac:

MetzgerMeister

Yep, got a text from her later that evening to the effect of "no flowers? are you dating out of boredom or are ya interested in me at all?"

She was 100% Irish.

This is the minefield we guys have to go through on a pogo stick while trying to not land on eggshells

Idle Passerby

Flowers to me are associated with either a groveling apology or an old fashioned impersonal attempt at "wooing". I got a box of chocolates from a first date once, it was a sweet gesture but it felt a bit like what a 17 year old does for his debs date. One of my friends described it as a gift for someone's granny

I'd err on the side of leaving gifts out until you actually know the person and then you can get something less generic.

bitofabind

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

It's hard to know what to do with flowers etc. I've had dates where I didn't bother with flowers and the girl thought I wasn't interested in her and that it was odd that I didn't give her flowers. Complicated isn't the word!

That's not complicated, that's a self-entitled woman with old fashioned and frankly bizarre notions of dating and romance. Flowers on a first date would be a proper wtf moment for me and I'd safely say most of my female friends would agree, unless it was some sort of in-joke we'd had prior to the date.

OP, looking at the bigger picture, you seem to position yourself below women you meet romantically and view yourself as "getting it wrong" when things don't work out. I mean, this latest woman clearly acted unreasonably and the title is "where did I go wrong?" It's not helpful or logical to think of yourself as "getting it wrong" when someone acts like a bloody eejit, and thinking women are "minefields" because you met a few eejits who had ridiculous expectations is a sign of low self esteem in you.

A more logical response to that "no flowers...not interested?" text would be either "that's a very strange expectation" or better yet, no response at all. Not entertaining it and thinking you're the person at fault. And that's what you need to work on. When we trust ourselves and know our value, we don't entertain eejits and let them influence how we feel about ourselves.

MetzgerMeister

She did ask me straight out at one stage when we were planning our first date "aawww are you going to get me flowers?"....so I just went with the flow.

Goodigal

If someone bought me a takeaway cup of tea on a first date, that would be most welcomed! But flowers really would make me cringe. And I'm 46!

You sound like a good guy OP - don't think of her any further. You're worth more than that. Being blocked is possibly a good thing. Best of luck on your next first date!

bitofabind

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

She did ask me straight out at one stage when we were planning our first date "aawww are you going to get me flowers?"....so I just went with the flow.

"No. Are you going to get me flowers?"

Stop "going with the flow" and start thinking about what the logical and rational conclusion is to strange/selfish behaviour, rather than thinking what will get this person to like you at any cost. You don't need unreasonable people to like you.

Are you someone that has struggled with romance generally, and/or has a habit of getting attached to women very quickly? Because right now it sounds like you're putting up with a lot of childish nonsense for the sake of having someone to date. That's dating with urgency, like you need to meet someone/anyone and you don't value yourself or your time. Until you address that, you're going to keep meeting people who are draped in red flags and having your confidence dented by their behaviour, rather than having the self-respect to rule people out when they present personality traits that are off to you.

Someone mentioned this upthread, but you'll find all sorts on dating apps. It's a proper pick n mix of the best and the worst of folks. If you have no boundaries or expectations of what you want in a partner, you'll let these sorts into your life when most healthy people would not tolerate their crap and would nope the f out of there. Date responsibly. Protect your own wellbeing. Rule people out when they start this nonsense.

Taeholic

MetzgerMeister wrote: »

It's hard to know what to do with flowers etc.


For what it's worth, my boyfriend brought me flowers on our first date and I thought it was an incredibly sweet gesture. I didn't expect flowers or any gift for that matter.
I guess it depends on the woman so that's probably not much help lol

As far as the woman in question is concerned, I think you had a lucky escape. Flying off the handle twice in a short space of time and blocking you without even attempting to understand your perspective are big red flags to me. She sounds immature and seriously lacking in self awareness. Not exactly an ideal partner.

As others have said try not over invest too early on, keep your options open. Don’t wreck your head trying to figure it out just put it down to experience and try again. She wasn't the one for you. Also once she calms down or is looking for attention she very well might unblock you. Do not reply, she's shown you who she is, believe her!