Was this a joke or awfully bad and nasty form?

TheBoyConor · 19-02-2021 10:58am

I think yes she was looking to provoke a reaction. And by God did it work. The heart nearly fell out of my chest.

happyoutscan · 19-02-2021 11:00am

34? Wear a f*cking condom.

osarusan · 19-02-2021 11:12am

At best, a horrible prank that reveals a nasty, even cruel side.

Or maybe an attempt to suss out how you feel about becoming a father, though that seems unlikely given your 'friends who occasionally have sex' dynamic.

But if you are somebody for whom the thought of getting a woman pregnant makes your heart fall out of your chest, just use a condom.

YellowLead · 19-02-2021 11:38am

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I think yes she was looking to provoke a reaction. And by God did it work. The heart nearly fell out of my chest.

It does sound like she doesn’t want a pregnancy either if she has that implant. I would say though that she was clearly looking to see your reaction to gauge the level of your relationship. You say it’s FWB but in those scenarios often one person wants more. Will be interesting for you to see how she reacts to the pulling back from sex and keeping it as friendship.

Porklife · 19-02-2021 12:42pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

People lie over all sorts of things every day. Who knows what she had/ hadn’t done. At the end of the day you can’t trust anyone unless you take your own precautions.
I don’t think the OP is over-reacting at all

I agree, I don't think he's overreacting either. He felt the bar in her arm so thats prove enough shes not lying in my book. That said, id still use extra precautions in more ways than one with her.

TheadoreT · 19-02-2021 12:49pm

I don't think the transition to friendship will be too difficult for her anyway, seems she just sees you as a kinda bestie already and enjoys the attention. Highly likely shes getting it more regular elsewhere since not looking for it more often with you.
For the sake of your own feelings which you're clearly masking in this thread you shouldnt let her reel you back in again as people can end up in these confusing situationships much longer than they intended and can wear away at the soul.

seenitall · 19-02-2021 2:25pm

Hi OP,

My take on this ‘joke’ is as follows:
Wear a condom from now on, or you just may find yourself a new father this year.

When I say you may do, I have no idea of the percentage of probability of that happening. But something about your story leads me to think it is not as low as it could be.

Good luck!

Purple Mountain · 19-02-2021 2:33pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I would 100% agree with you on that. I border on paranoid with it at times.
But just this one time that I relax and trust someone elses methods, it is turned around on me as a prank. I think that is the bit that annoys me about it, rather than the nature of the prank in itself.

I think you're missing a point though.
You're not committed to each other. You dont want a pregnancy.
Contraception pills aren't always 100% effective due to any number of reasons such as the woman being ill on a certain day or she genuinely forgetting to take only 1 on any given day.
You really should be bringing your side of the responsibility on contraception to the table too by insisting on wearing a condom regardless of this incident.
Not to mention that neither of you can know fully about the other's sexual health history either.
I'd say all this to you if you were my friend regardless if the "joke" incident happened or not.
My two cents on that, bad form of her.

Neyite · 19-02-2021 3:46pm

I think it was a bit of a test too, not necessarily for nefarious purposes though.

You are having sex where she's shouldering the full responsibility for both of you in pregnancy prevention so it's natural to wonder if there was a genuine failure with the pill, what you would do, especially given your relationship is undefined.

It's kind of a lot to put on her shoulders without any discussion as to what you might/would do, and from your reaction it sounds like its something you were quite blithe about and didn't need to think about a potential pregnancy - but she by default of her sex, does.

The pill even if taken correctly can still fail due to a simple bout of dodgy tummy and often the woman has no idea that it's failed on her until it's too late.

Anyway, while she luckily sounds like someone who does take contraception to prevent pregnancy seriously, neither of you seem to be considering STI's at all. If either of you have had non-barrier sex with anyone in your past and have not had a test, then you've no way of knowing you picked up anything.

So what I'd suggest is to discuss that with her - after the fright you got, you realised that you should both get STI checks before being intimate again and as well as that, being in a casual relationship means that neither of you have committed to monogamy with each other so until you figure out that, you should use condoms as well.

Xterminator · 19-02-2021 4:30pm

HI Op

i cannot think of many worse scenarios than you whipping out a condom next time you are getting intimate, and surprising her, making her question your motives, etc.

And it would be so easily resolved by having a good adult chat before your next 'evening' date about your relationship, and what you want from it. Tell her because the pill is not 100% effective, and you 100% dont wants kids you would like to use a condom! Gauge her reaction to that.

Also i have to wonder, if you are sure you don't ever want kids, why have you not had a vasectomy? Why are you leaving it to chance? Even if your partner takes her pill faithfully, planned parenthood have gauged the effectiveness of the pill at 91% in the real world. thats 9 in 100 couples ending up pregnant!

If you use it perfectly, the pill is 99% effective. But people aren't perfect and it's easy to forget or miss pills — so in reality the pill is about 91% effective. That means about 9 out of 100 pill users get pregnant each year.

But people aren't perfect, so in real life condoms are about 85% effective — that means about 15 out of 100 people who use condoms as their only birth control ...

Using them together is an extremely effective way to reduce the risk of getting pregnant and of getting or spreading a sexually transmitted infection.

TheBoyConor · 19-02-2021 4:41pm

I don't agree with the suggestion that I was blithe with the whole thing. I would always have used one, and it was her, not me, who suggested omitting it. It was her to convinced me to go without and foolishly I agreed. I agree that I was foolish and too easily swayed, but I wasn't completely feckless either.
And i wasn't blithe about possibly being a parent - my distressed reaction was a demonstration of quite the opposite of being blithe - i recognised the seriousness of such a situation and they profound changes it would have meant for our lives and what would be expected and required of me.

As for a vasectomy, well I don't want one. I am happy to use contraception. Anyway, doctors are reluctant to recommend a vasectomy for someone who hasn't had children.

Anyway. We are having a chat about it on the phone this evening to see what the story is.

YellowLead · 19-02-2021 4:42pm

Good you are tackling it head on and having a discussion. Update us if you feel like it, or if you don’t that’s okay too. Good luck!

listermint · 19-02-2021 4:50pm

Am I the only one that thought it was kinda funny. Maybe I read the OPs text a bit different in my head but it came across as a joke. But a heart stopping reaction by the OP. Which some jokes are meant. It's not all gut giggles.

I wouldn't jump to nefarious reasons. As you described it you two are incredibly comfortable with each other, you've at various times described her as a friend.which means she's totally comfortable winding you up.

Advice . Wear a condom. Lighten up,return to where you were. This thing could go places if you let it.

TheBoyConor · 19-02-2021 4:57pm

I'm all for a laugh, and I do see the funny side of it, it is kinda funny in its own right. But it is the way it made me feel that I have the problem with. I think it was a bit mean at the same time. Someone shouldn't play a joke on their friend that causes them to get into a very distressed state thinking that their whole life is going to be turned permanently upsidedown by a major life altering event. If the roles were reversed, it is not the type of joke i would be playing.

tbh, i wouldn't consider it too different to pranking someone into believing that someone close to them has died. not cool.

YellowLead · 19-02-2021 5:01pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I'm all for a laugh, and I do see the funny side of it, it is kinda funny in its own right. But it is the way it made me feel that I have the problem with. I think it was a bit mean at the same time. Someone shouldn't play a joke on their friend that causes them to get into a very distressed state thinking that their whole life is going to be turned permanently upsidedown by a major life altering event. If the roles were reversed, it is not the type of joke i would be playing.

tbh, i wouldn't consider it too different to pranking someone into believing that someone close to them has died. not cool.

Totally in agreement with you there on the unfunnyness of it. It might be different if you were in a long term committed relationship and regularly joked about such things.

By the way...if you have never done FWB before be careful. It’s definitely something that can’t be done just casually - both parties need to be on the same page and have discussed the whole thing. Otherwise one might think it’s a relationship when it’s not!

openup · 19-02-2021 6:51pm

Not a funny joke and not one I would make but I know people who would and would think I'm uptight for not laughing about it. Think it's a bit mad that you're first thought was that she tricked you though, rather than just an innocent **** up or contraceptive failure.

The chan chan man · 20-02-2021 10:19am

Maybe she really is pregnant and backed out of telling you when she saw your reaction?

20-02-2021 10:45am

A joke that didn't land and now OP says he won't have sex with her anymore even though she has the bar in, which is as effective as you can get. Bizarre.

Even if it was a test, so what. People don't plan these things out logically and with an entire forum of people judging on how acceptable a joke or test is. Forgive and move on. We judge ourselves on our intentions and others on their actions.

lawred2 · 20-02-2021 10:50am

Princess Calla wrote: »

Joke or not, why are you leaving the full burden of contraception on her?

If you are not ready for children, or she's not someone you can see having a child with protect yourself and always use a condom.

A baby isn't the worst thing that can come from unprotected sex but that's another days lesson.

This a million times over

But also not really that funny a "prank".

Complete backfire really. You now will treat her with some suspicion. And she'll remember your instinctive response to the thoughts of a child with her.

YellowLead · 20-02-2021 10:51am

The chan chan man wrote: »

Maybe she really is pregnant and backed out of telling you when she saw your reaction?

OP felt the implant in her arm, that’s not what’s at play.

TheBoyConor · 20-02-2021 10:45pm

I am back. Well, we had a conversation about it yesterday.
I explained the situation and that while I do see the funny side, I was a bit bothered by it afterwards and was a bit annoyed that she would prank about something so serious causing me to get distressed like that.
She said that she was going to tell me about the bar but on the spur of the moment she just did it in this way as a joke and that when she saw how worried I got she regretted it and realised that it was probably not the most appropriate. She apologised for making me feel that way. I said fine, and we will just put it behind us.

I also explained that the reason I got so bad was that i appreciated the seriousness of what I thought was going to happen, and that if, hypothetically, she was telling me she was pregnant that I would probably have a day or 2 of panic, but that I would come around to the idea quick enough and do my absolute best for her and the hypothetical baby, stick with my responsibilities, and actually come to like it and look forward to being a dad. I said that i'd rather just use condom from now on regardless even though the bar is good, it is not perfect, it does fail. She agreed we don't want any surprises so that is fine. We agreed just to continue as friends and if we want to do stuff we can continue to as before, just being a bit more careful.
So bascially, it is all fine.

All that said, I have had it on my mind the last few days, and the thought of potentially being a father at some point isn't as bad as I might once have thought. It is a notion that I have kind of warmed to a bit over the days. The whole episode has kind of got me very confused now as to whether i still don't want kids at all, or whether I would be happy enough to have one and enjoy being a parent if it were to happen. I just don't know . I has triggered something and left me a bit confused. Maybe it will pass. I dunno. Time will tell.

milli milli · 21-02-2021 12:44pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

potentially being a father at some point isn't as bad as I might once have thought. It is a notion that I have kind of warmed to a bit over the days. The whole episode has kind of got me very confused now as to whether i still don't want kids at all, or whether I would be happy enough to have one and enjoy being a parent if it were to happen. I just don't know .

It’s normal to feel like you don’t want kids and then to have a change of heart. And I think you know that it is a major life decision, so you don’t need to be reminded of that.

Do you have close friends or family who has kids OP? If so is it possible to spend an extended amount of time with them? At least a full day or weekend? The reason I suggest that, is to get a full picture of what having kids is like. Your eyes will be opened in more ways than one and it might help with your confusion about the situation.

laserlad2010 · 21-02-2021 2:27pm

Hi Conor, I've been following the forum for a while and have seen you post from time to time over the years.

I notice that your initial assumption that she "tricked" you would have been consistent with your past suspicious and negative attitudes to women in general. However, I generally get the feeling from your posts in this thread that you're now much more reflective than other threads you've started/contributed to in the past.

You seem to have a more healthy attitude towards women, and a generally positive attitude to this lady in particular.

Regardless of the status (and future) of this arrangement, I just wanted to say you've reacted really maturely to this - questioning your own motives and reactions, and even considering the possibility of being a father!

Fair play to you. I'd encourage you to dig harder into that initial "tricked" reaction and see if you can break that bit down further - get to the headspace where you can be optimistic with a pinch of realism when it comes to new friends (lady or otherwise)

Don't want to come across as weird saying this, but I read your thread thinking "fair play to his thought process"

Ann84 · 22-02-2021 9:59am

milli milli wrote: »

Do you have close friends or family who has kids OP? If so is it possible to spend an extended amount of time with them? At least a full day or weekend? The reason I suggest that, is to get a full picture of what having kids is like. Your eyes will be opened in more ways than one and it might help with your confusion about the situation.

While I totally get why you are suggesting this, I would also stress that spending time around other people’s kids give you the operational insight of how challenging and/ or rewarding a life with kids can be... it really doesn’t give you any idea of what it’s like to have one of your own because while looking at the chaos of kids - you don’t feel what parents feel for them!
I know I really don’t like spending much time with any other kids than my own and never did before or after having my own - it’s just not the same thing at all so if you go in with that in mind it probably is a good experiment!

At OP - interesting that it’s sparked some reflection, it’s always interesting to challenge our beliefs even if in the end you decide kids are not for you, at least you’ve explored the notion in full which is never a bad thing ðŸ˜Š

TheBoyConor · 22-02-2021 12:49pm

HI again.

Laserlad, I think I may have overemphasised the "accident on purpose" thing. It wasn't a conclusion that I immediately jumped to at all, I recognised that it could have been just an unfortunate failure to, and that would probably be the most likely thing to happen. However, accidents on purpose do happen, they cannot be ruled out completely when pill contraception fails. I know one woman who confessed to conceiving this way. And I am sure there are others that I don't know about.

As for spending time with other kids to learn what it is like, well I have 2 nieces of 8 and 10 now and they mean the world to me. I am the fun uncle and we play, play football, puc around, go for walks and generally just goof around and act the eejit when I go up to visit which is usually once a week or every two weeks. Of the three of us, I am probably the biggest kid sometimes! And I have a friend who has a 6 year old nephew who I also get to play with the odd time. And that is all grand and fun and everything and i love it. BUT. That is being a fun uncle and family friend, you're there for the playing and the fun and messing and goofing around only. Cherry picked moments. You cannot compare that with being a parent where you have some of that but also have to be responsible for and deal with all sorts of chaos and mundane stuff, sleeplessness, eyewatering expenses, nappies, illnesses, tantrums etc etc and all the craziness that goes on around creches and the like. I know the stress and absolute choas that my sister has to endure with raising my nieces. I am glad and thankful I am just the fun uncle when I see the chaos and that continues after I wave goodbye on a sunday evening.

It is not reasonable to suggest that spending time with nieces and nephews and friends children is any sort of accurate reflection of what it would be like to be an actual parent. One is just a very very small portion of the other. It is a dangerous and misleading comparison to make.

That is the bit I am not so inclined towards. I have read some HSE stuff about PHN and parenting for new first time parents and I think it has snapped me out of my that transient confusion about wanting my own children.

sura28 · 22-02-2021 3:57pm

You are both 34 not in a serious relationship and not wearing a condom? How do you know she doesn’t sleep with someone else or have an STI? You are both behaving very irresponsible. If something happens it’s both your fault and responsibility.

You are not even in a serious and committed relationship why wouldn’t both of you use protection. The joke may be a waking point for you.

Or she may be pregnant with yours or someone else’s child and that’s why she wanted to check the dates with you and see if you are up for the responsibility. That would be my best shot.

Good luck and time to mature at your age.

TheBoyConor · 22-02-2021 4:00pm

I accept that I made a mistake there, and it is a lesson to wake up. Agreed.

However is is definitely not pregnant. She has just had a contraceptive bar fitted a few weeks ago. A doctor is not going to insert a contraceptive bar into a woman unless they have established that she is not pregnant.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-02-2021 4:30pm

Mod Note

TheBoyConor it looks like you've resolved this with the woman in question.

So it doesn't go round in circles I'll close it there. However, if you want it re-opened just let one of the Mod Team know.

Thanks everyone for offering help and advice.

HS

Was this a joke or awfully bad and nasty form?

Comments