Was this a joke or awfully bad and nasty form?

TheBoyConor

Well, I have been seeing a girl for the 6 months or so. We are not a formally official relationship or anything, we are more like friends with benefits. We go out for walks with her dog, spins, bikes, go for tea. We get only lovely and we always have a nice time, and we are just happy to leave it at that and not go making things formal or official. I think she is a lovely, kind hearted, genuine, trustworthy and smart woman. OK, all grand.

In recent months, we started having had sex. Only occasionally. I think we have only done it 4 times at this stage. I didn't use a condom because she says she is on the pill, and always takes it religiously so as to help with her periods and that. Grand. I took that at face value since I know and trust her.

Anyway, the other day I was in her house and we had sex and later on were relaxing together downstairs on the couch and she says "There is something I want to tell you".
I say "eh ok grand, what".
She says "It was December 9th that we first had sex wasn't it?"
I say "Eh, was it, i suppose it was ya" and I am starting to get worried at this point.
She says "Well, I went to the Dr there 2 weeks ago to talk about something". Then she pauses a while.
At this point I get very panicked, jump up and say "OH GOD! WHAT?!........are you pregnant?" I nearly died on the spot at the shock. I thought my heart was going to stop until she answered me. Here I was, thinking that I had trusted her to use the pill only for her to gone and caught me out, like I have heard other guys being caught out by accidents on purpose!

Then, thankfully, says says no she isn't and to relax, calm down and she tells me that she was was there to get a contraceptive bar put in instead of the pills. Needless to say, I was immediately relieved.
But I asked her did she tell it to me that way way to deliberately coax me into thinking she was pregnant and make me panic and get extremely worried.
She says yeah that she did, partially, tell me that way as a prank to see how I'd react. So all OK I calmed down and was relieved. And I said oh she got me good with that one, it was funny, I nearly passed out with the shock. We had a laugh about it then.

But after I went home I thought about it more that night, and I started to think was it maybe not just a funny prank, but was it a mean and nasty thing to do to mislead and prank somebody over something so serious with lifechanging consequences?

Is it OK that she sees it as a joke and a prank and I should laugh it off, or was she out of order with that prank and am I justified in being very annoyed about it?

PS. We're 34

banie01

How other people may perceive this tale isn't really the issue.
You took it quite seriously, you didn't like how she framed the comment to lead you to a conclusion.

50 people may agree with you, 50 people may not and think it was hilarious.

You need to decide if you can get over a joke that didn't play well to its audience.
It may just be as simple as she really thought it was funny, and misread your sense of humour.

Or it may be that she likes that little bit of spice that comes with added drama.

None of us know, and tbh relying on most of the reprobates here (myself included) for a steer on a relationship you are 6 months into isn't going to help.

Talk to her, ascertain what she meant and just as importantly how she thought her humour would land.
Was it a joke? A hint? A feint to see your reaction and judge where you see your relationship?

Those are all things the hive mind here can guess at, but that only she can answer.

Princess Calla

Joke or not, why are you leaving the full burden of contraception on her?

If you are not ready for children, or she's not someone you can see having a child with protect yourself and always use a condom.

A baby isn't the worst thing that can come from unprotected sex but that's another days lesson.

Loveinapril

The joke wouldn't be my sort of humour, it is a bit of a d!ck move given the infancy of the relationship. Did you both have an STI check before you decided to have sex without a condom?

TheBoyConor

I normally would insist on a condom. Normally I would not want to rely on the say so of a partner taking a pill. I think it is risky. And I have, in the past, had one previous partner got very annoyed and put out over my insistence of a condom when she was on the pill and suggested I thought had an STD or sleep around or something. That was never it, it was just a personal rule of mind to not be taking chances.

However in this instance, I find this girl to be very genuine, kind hearted and trustworthy and I put my trust in her, and when she said not to because she was "religious" about the pill, I felt I could trust that she is being honest and said OK to it.

FYI, we are not in a relationship. We are mostly just friends, good friends, but we do do things on the odd occasion when we want to.

Oh, look, I can get over it. I am over it. I do see the funny side. I mean, it was kinda funny how I freaked. I get that humour. And if it was someone else I would think it was a good gag.
But at the same time I do think it was a bit of a mean thing to do. Like I am all for messing and gags, but that night I was thinking that misleading someone into the shock of thinking they might be having a child is a bit much and a bit of serious thing to be making pranks about.

I am not going to give out to her over it, I just want to know if I am justified in feeling annoyed over it and whether what she did was a bit wrong or unfair. Tbh, if I was a woman, I wouldn't be making those sort of pranks on people.

Well, a baby wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, and if it was true I would do the right think and try to do everything to the best I can and be responsible. But at the same time it is not what I want.

Tbh, I think I will be insisting on a condom in future from now on, regardless of pill or bar or anything else. After being asked being assured, I gave my trust and for once relied on a partner's honesty, only for it to be used as the basis of a prank against me. I dunno if I will have sex with her any more. It has all just annoyed me a bit.

The joke wouldn't be my sort of humour, it is a bit of a d!ck move given the infancy of the relationship. Did you both have an STI check before you decided to have sex without a condom?

I get the joke, but to me, it wouldn't be the kind of thing I'd joke about. And we are not in a relationship. I don't know if she got tested. I didn't either. I always always used condoms, it has always been something I've been very cautious, even paranoid about, and my insistence has resulted in annoyance and guilt tripping with previous partners. And now this one time I give someone my trust, they turn it into a joke to give me a heart attack.

LegacyUser

Princess Calla wrote: »

Joke or not, why are you leaving the full burden of contraception on her?

If you are not ready for children, or she's not someone you can see having a child with protect yourself and always use a condom.

A baby isn't the worst thing that can come from unprotected sex but that's another days lesson.

I'm quite taken aback that you would immediately turn this around on the op. If the roles were reversed and he joked about a ripped condom you would be all over the op.

Op I would be fairly annoyed by that tbh and I would suggest you have a good talk with her and set boundaries early. These things have a habit of festering into very heated arguments down the road. Good luck.

Hannibal_Smith

Your 'trust' in her doesn't run very deep if your gut reaction is that she tricked you into getting her pregnant.

I wouldn't think it was nasty, just a poor joke that didn't land well. But if its a line crossed for you, you're not in a relationship together so you can put a halt to things at any stage it stops being fun to you.

YellowLead

I find it a very bizzare thing to joke about, I know you like her but she sounds like a dick, in this instance.

She may have been testing the waters to see how you would react???? Sometimes people aren’t always up front and try to find out info via tricks and tests.

If I were you I would use a condom for your own peace of mind as you might have a niggle of doubt and worry otherwise.

Edit: Apologies Mod, I wasn’t thinking properly.

TheBoyConor

I wasn't jumping to conclusions I don't think. My gut reaction was a product of the way she phrased and delivered those comments. The comments were delivered in that way with the intent of causing me to believe she had become pregnant.

Well if we do have sex again, I will be insisting on a condom nomatter what for my own personal peace of mind. I have to. But I know then that that is going to lead to her asking why and no need, and that now i don't trust her etc etc, and the whole is going to be awkward. She showed me the bar under her skin and I felt it, so a logically know it is there and fine now and there is no question of trust as there is a physical observable object present, but still, I'd feel better to be doubly protected.

I did consider yes that it might have been a ham fisted dry run at seeing what way I might react if she was hypothetically telling me for real. Quite possible. But she has told me she doesn't want to have children. And neither do i. So I don't get why she would have the want for testing my reaction like that.

I was just the butt of a joke that made me get into a very panicked and worried state for her to have a giggle. I see the funny side. But friends shouldn't be pranking eachother in a way that causes on of them that puts them in a distressed and worried state.

Hannibal_Smith

YellowLead wrote: »

Women aren’t always up front and open (people in general actually) and try to find out info via tricks and tests.

Mod Note

I get that you've qualified your point by adding 'people in general actually' but please leave the gender generalisations at the door as per the Charter.

Thanks

HS

Larbre34

Never leave protection up to anyone else this early. You're not just protecting from pregnancy, but from STDs, your financial health and your life choices and life style being taken out of your hands.

Ever.

TheBoyConor

I would 100% agree with you on that. I border on paranoid with it at times.
But just this one time that I relax and trust someone elses methods, it is turned around on me as a prank. I think that is the bit that annoys me about it, rather than the nature of the prank in itself.

I don't know am I more annoyed at myself for letting my guard down than I am annoyed at her for actually doing the prank.

I think one this is for sure, I've learned a lesson - I will never, ever be doing it without again nomatter what promises anyone makes. I don't care.

Airyfairy12

It was a bit immature of her but by the sounds of things, she doesnt want to have children with you so have no fear of her lying about her contraception or trying to trap you.

Just reading through your initial post, your fear of her trying to get pregnant on purpose and then your reaction to her distasteful 'joke' would make me think you have a tendency to jump to conclusions, assume to know what other people are thinking & planning but are actually quite a bit off the mark.
Maybe work on this as you cant control the jokes she makes or things she says but you can control how you process those things. It sounds like she was testing your reaction, I dont think there was any ill intent beyond that, in my perspective, obviously only she knows for sure.

TheBoyConor

Yeah. I agree that it was just a joke.

I would joke and prank about anything else, but I just don't think this is a subject to be making pranks about. And I don't think friends should make a prank on eachother that puts them in a distressed and panicked state. It just isn't nice.

Airyfairy12

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Yeah. I agree that it was just a joke.

I would joke and prank about anything else, but I just don't think this is a subject to be making pranks about. And I don't think friends should make a prank on eachother that puts them in a distressed and panicked state. It just isn't nice.

Totally agree, maybe speak to her about it and tell her that you really didn't appreciate her joking about it, express to her that you feel very strongly about not wanting children and what she said caused you allot of anxiety.

Just to add if she has gotten or is getting the coil, her doctor would have explained to her about it so she knows what she's getting, there is no chance this woman is looking to have kids. Contraception of any kind can always fail but the coil is one of the strongest forms of contraception there is and even after its removed it can take months or longer to get pregnant. Its very invasive & not very pleasant to have put in or removed and can cause allot hormone changes in the body. Allot of doctors wont even give it to women who haven't had kids yet because of all that's involved. I think you can trust her in that she's not trying to have a baby.

km991148

The joke is as bad form as you jumping to the conclusion that she tricked or manipulated you (gone and caught you out)?


Contraception aside (others have already commented), I guess you could discuss it with her and point out that you didn't like it, but maybe ask yourself that first? What made you upset about this?

The way you tell it, it seems like some kind of innocent teasing on her part.

TheadoreT

She seems to be playing you a bit in general, that little sex in that amount of time wouldn't really qualify as sex with benefits, surely you're more frustrated than not most of the time with that? And sounds like it's on her terms.

Dont think it's working for you either on a psychological level, the very fact you've written several long posts in this thread shows you're far more invested in her than someone should be in a casual relationship. The casual part is kinda dropped when it's clearly causing you anguish.

I think most people who wouldn't be emotionally invested would shrug at her odd behaviour here and move on. So I'd advise either do that or tell her how you really feel. But the signs arent great if she doesnt want to do it like rabbits at this early stage.

Tork

I'm not convinced this was a joke. Could this have been a test of some sort, to see where your intentions lie and where she stands? It's a bit cack-handed but maybe she thought she'd put you on the spot like that to see how you'd react. You've articulated to us how you view this arragement. Is she as clear about it or are you just assuming she knows the score? Would she like to take things further do you think?

Princess Calla

Gerrymandear wrote: »

I'm quite taken aback that you would immediately turn this around on the op. If the roles were reversed and he joked about a ripped condom you would be all over the op.

Op I would be fairly annoyed by that tbh and I would suggest you have a good talk with her and set boundaries early. These things have a habit of festering into very heated arguments down the road. Good luck.

It's not about turning it around on the op!

I never stated whether it was a good or bad joke, in good or bad taste.

The op stated he trusted the girl to take the pill but at the same time thought he might be one of the poor unfortunates that get caught out on "an accident on purpose."

He stated that they are not in a relationship his reaction to the "joke" wasn't one of glee.

If you don't want something to happen why would you allow another person to be in charge of the preventative measures. Personal responsibility also comes into play.

So for a guy who doesn't want to be "tricked" or be the victim of "an accident that happened on purpose" they need to use a condom correctly every time. (Or get a vasectomy)

As for pretending your pregnant or the condom ripped is a funny joke, meh, each to their own....know your audience n all that.

notsoyoungwan

I didn't use a condom because she says she is on the pill, and always takes it religiously so as to help with her periods and that. Grand. I took that at face value since I know and trust her.

......

Here I was, thinking that I had trusted her to use the pill only for her to gone and caught me out, like I have heard other guys being caught out by accidents on purpose!

1. You don’t ‘know and trust’ her all that well if you immediately jump to the conclusion that she had tricked you into impregnating her

2. You do know don’t you that all contraception has a failure rate, even with ideal use? Even surgical sterilisation has a failure rate, albeit a very low one. So someone could indeed be ‘religious’ with the pill and still conceive, without any intent of tricking someone

3. You’re 34. Well old enough to be taking responsibility for yourself. If the thought of impregnating someone leads you ‘to nearly die on the spot’ then don’t rely on someone else to prevent that. Play your part.

Dial Hard

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Just to add if she has gotten or is getting the coil, her doctor would have explained to her about it so she knows what she's getting, there is no chance this woman is looking to have kids.

She's getting the bar/implant, not the coil. Pretty sure the efficacy is about the same, though.

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I think one this is for sure, I've learned a lesson - I will never, ever be doing it without again nomatter what promises anyone makes. I don't care.

That's a complete overreaction. I think the lesson for you here is that relying on a single form of contraception - particularly one which only protects against pregnancy - is really better kept for a committed, trusting relationship, not a FWB situation.

I've relied solely on the Pill for contraception in pretty much all of my long-term relationships. But there is no way in hell I'd be going bareback in a casual set-up, sorry to be crude.

leggo

One observation I have is that it’s a weird trend you have that doesn’t track with my own lived experience, or that of anyone I’ve heard, where women are trying to talk you out of wearing condoms. For the most part women I’ve known aren’t only dying to, to put it bluntly, be rode bareback by lads. There are many who have lax attitudes but most are fairly happy to go along with safe, responsible sex. The pleasure dynamic of not wearing a condom is heavily weighted towards men.

Which means one of two things:

1) You’re perceiving it, or telling the story, that way. Whatever, fine, it doesn’t help you at all coming to PI and not being honest or self-aware of the logic of your perceptions.

2) You’re attracting women who have a vested interest in you not wearing a condom...and in that case I’d DEFINITELY wrap up every time unless/until you’re happy to have the end result be pregnancy or you’re in a situation where you’re committed and can’t catch STIs. Your trust instincts also seem to be a bit off if you think someone who is insisting you don’t wear a condom is as trustworthy as you describe.

If it’s reason 2, and I’d say that’s the more likely scenario, then her behaviour makes sense because winding someone up (or ‘testing’ them) by saying they’re pregnant makes sense because that’s the behaviour of a melt. And would a melt try convince you not to wear a condom to possibly get her pregnant? You betcha.

It’s also not super common to have a close, intimate relationship like you describe for months and have it best be described as FWB. There seems like quite mixed messages/blurred lines. Bit of an odd dynamic tbh. Whatever makes you happy in lockdown like, if you weren’t on here worried then no harm or judgement, but you are.

So yeah, be careful OP.

Porklife

If that's her idea of a joke, I'm glad she's not a comedienne:)
I don't think it was a joke or a prank, who pulls pranks at 34 years of age, particularly about something so serious.
Maybe just take note of your reaction and how it made you feel. If it makes you up your contraception game that's a good thing.

jj880

Not something she should be joking about but at 34 you're a bit long in the tooth to be having unprotected sex with a casual f*ck buddy who could be at it with others for all you know. Time to wise up a bit.

daheff

She's checking out your reaction to what if she was pregnant. I would think she is thinking along the lines of getting pregnant....and you may be the lucky dad she's picked out for the job.


Sounds like you aren't ready yet for that level of commitment. Might be a good idea to have the talk with her on where you see your future.

Porklife

daheff wrote: »

She's checking out your reaction to what if she was pregnant. I would think she is thinking along the lines of getting pregnant....and you may be the lucky dad she's picked out for the job.


Sounds like you aren't ready yet for that level of commitment. Might be a good idea to have the talk with her on where you see your future.

Why would she have the bar if she's wanting to get pregnant, kind of counter productive dontcha think? The Op said they spoke about kids and both said they don't want them.
I sincerely hope at 34 this woman isn't playing games and pretending she doesn't.
It doesn't make sense why she'd do that and also why she'd have the bar fitted.
It's not like wearing a bracelet, its implanted under your skin.

Jequ0n

Porklife wrote: »

Why would she have the bar if she's wanting to get pregnant, kind of counter productive dontcha think? The Op said they spoke about kids and both said they don't want them.
I sincerely hope at 34 this woman isn't playing games and pretending she doesn't.
It doesn't make sense why she'd do that and also why she'd have the bar fitted.
It's not like wearing a bracelet, its implanted under your skin.

People lie over all sorts of things every day. Who knows what she had/ hadn’t done. At the end of the day you can’t trust anyone unless you take your own precautions.
I don’t think the OP is over-reacting at all

baldbear

The two of ye are 34 going on 21. Use a condom.
Maybe she does want kids & doesn't want to tell you in case you do a legger.

Ask her is she 1000% sure she never wants kids & are you sure too?

It's fairly common to say you don't want kids & then actually have kids.

TheBoyConor

I'll definitely be more careful from now on.

As for the poster who said it's all on her terms and I must be frustrated with such infrequent sex. And why aren't we at it like rabbits. No. Not really.

We are good friends but we only occasionally have sex, when we both want to and when it suits us. There's not an imbalance in investment. We don't really want to be at it all the time. We are just friends, not a committed intimate relationship. And we just do it for a bit of a thrill now and again.

I accept that it was a joke that was just a little illjudged and myself probably being a little too panicked over it. But tbh, I think I'm justified in being in a bit of distress over being led to believe she was pregnant - obviously, my whole life would be turned on its head!

Personally, that's not a state I would put a friend into for the sake of a 60 second joke. Anything else to hike about yes, but not a major life changing thing like pregnancy.

And she definitely has the bar. She showed me the little scar mark and I can feel it like a match stick under her skin. So there's no question about that. She has it. And if she has it she clearly has no intent to get pregnant.

Tbh, I think I'm going to tell her tomorrow that I was a little put out by it and see will she apologise. I am sure it'll be fine and all. But I think I'll be forgetting about having sex any more and just revert to being just regular friends without any benefit.

qwerty13

I’d feel that it was, if not nasty, then really incredibly bad form. And I say that as a female. I don’t think it’s a joking matter at all. And I’m not sure I could see past it if I were you.

Having said that, you know you were foolish not to use a condom. When it comes to sexual matters, I think the mantra has to be that you should never rely on someone else for the outcome that you want.

I think retreating from the FWB type scenario you had is a good plan.

GingerLily

To play devil's advocate, do you think maybe she had already had a pregnancy scare herself and that's why she was inclined to mislead you about her trip to the doctor? Maybe she was curious how you'd react or wanted to tell you more but wanted to gauge your reaction first.

A pregnancy scare would be a good motivator for her to change contraception type.

But on the other hand, 34 is quite late to get the bar, maybe she had doubts about getting it as her chances of having a healthy pregnancy after the bar will be out will be much smaller due to her age then.

She could be just someone with a bad taste in humour, but I suspect she wanted to have a more serious conversation and chickened out at the last moment and made it all a "joke".

Either way, wear a condom