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What's the etiquette here??

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    #3062
    hank scorpio89
    Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭hank scorpio89


    Still in a bad way over here gents.after soiling myself the other night ive been extremely regular.i think i may have poisoned myself.had to get a friend to drop me in bog roll cos im too scared to leave the house.absolutely falling out of me.any suggestions for explosive diarrhea apart from a cork!.also there is a few cans in the fridge would that be playing with fire ?


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    #3063
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    hank scorpio89 wrote: »
    also there is a few cans in the fridge would that be playing with fire ?

    That would be playing with petrol and a flamethrower.


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    #3064
    Deebles McBeebles
    Registered Users Posts: 5,754 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    I would suggest getting the fridge close to the toilet, Hank. At least enjoy a few cans while you're sitting there sacrificing your guts to the porcelain god.

    Also, Imodium.


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    #3065
    Hal3000
    Closed Accounts Posts: 818 ✭✭✭Hal3000


    Hal3000 wrote: »
    I think the security guard in our place was on the tinned mackerel or sardines last night. Unbearable stench in the first floor Jax this morning. Place was a no go for an hour or so. I think HR might have to send out a mail. Few complaints gone in. Few toilet refugees from the first floor aren’t been well received by the natives on the 2nd.

    Delish


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    #3066
    bodhrandude
    Registered Users Posts: 12,417 ✭✭✭✭bodhrandude


    hank scorpio89 wrote: »
    Does anyone remember the brown wedding post on here .basically some chap shat all over a hotel at a friends wedding ����

    Ihatecuddles I think is the poster, was looking at it in fact today in the Most Self Entitled... thread, page 1.

    If you want to get into it, you got to get out of it. (Hawkwind 1982)



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    #3067
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Due to a major food delivery **** up there will in the very near future be an extremely large sacrifice to the porcelain god.
    Ordered bunsen from deliveroo and the delivery guy went to the wrong address, got onto customer service for replacement which was ordered. Followed by a text from bunsen saying it could not be delivered. Ordered a Mcdonalds quarter pounder meal in frustration which turned up half cold. Not long after that a deliveroo guy turns up with a double order of bunsen! Gave one burger to the dog and forced myself to eat the other. Major food coma going on at the moment.
    I can already feel a major load getting ready to spool up, say a prayer for me lads!


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    #3068
    sligojoek
    Registered Users Posts: 25,420 ✭✭✭✭sligojoek


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Due to a major food delivery **** up there will in the very near future be an extremely large sacrifice to the porcelain god.
    Ordered bunsen from deliveroo and the delivery guy went to the wrong address, got onto customer service for replacement which was ordered. Followed by a text from bunsen saying it could not be delivered. Ordered a Mcdonalds quarter pounder meal in frustration which turned up half cold. Not long after that a deliveroo guy turns up with a double order of bunsen! Gave one burger to the dog and forced myself to eat the other. Major food coma going on at the moment.
    I can already feel a major load getting ready to spool up, say a prayer for me lads!

    I'd make sure the dog has a half hour outside before going to bed as well


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    #3069
    hank scorpio89
    Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭hank scorpio89


    I had a read through that most entitled thread.the brown wedding thats cheered me up after a ****ty day(pun intended)id almost like to meet that man and shake him by the hand.


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    #3070
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users Posts: 10,561 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Due to a major food delivery **** up there will in the very near future be an extremely large sacrifice to the porcelain god.
    Ordered bunsen from deliveroo and the delivery guy went to the wrong address, got onto customer service for replacement which was ordered. Followed by a text from bunsen saying it could not be delivered. Ordered a Mcdonalds quarter pounder meal in frustration which turned up half cold. Not long after that a deliveroo guy turns up with a double order of bunsen! Gave one burger to the dog and forced myself to eat the other. Major food coma going on at the moment.
    I can already feel a major load getting ready to spool up, say a prayer for me lads!

    McDonalds doesn’t “travel” very well from the car to home. Never rely on it for backup.

    Even Eddies don’t “travel” well. At all.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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    #3071
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users Posts: 10,561 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    hank scorpio89 wrote: »
    I had a read through that most entitled thread.the brown wedding thats cheered me up after a ****ty day(pun intended)id almost like to meet that man and shake him by the hand.

    People question how one “man” could have gotten shít all they from then reception all the way the bridal “suite”.

    If he’s been drinking proper cider, or Bulmers pear before they fixed it, he could easily have dumped a load of nasty “slurry”. One that filled his trousers, spilled on the floor and he was helped all the way up to the bridal “suite”.

    Like a shítty permanent “marker” dabbing any surface he’d back into it sit on.

    To be, perfectly, honest. Anyone who ****s themselves and, really, ruins a wedding and doesn’t belong in this venerable senate of faecular discussion.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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    #3072
    hank scorpio89
    Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭hank scorpio89


    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    McDonalds doesn’t “travel” very well from the car to home. Never rely on it for backup.

    Even Eddies don’t “travel” well. At all.

    Mcdonalds dosent travel well from the counter to seat nevermind having it delivered!


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    #3073
    hank scorpio89
    Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭hank scorpio89


    I love how he complained that the jeans werent the right size.they should have sent him out in his poopy pants some neck.


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    #3074
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    People question how one “man” could have gotten shít all they from then reception all the way the bridal “suite”.

    If he’s been drinking proper cider, or Bulmers pear before they fixed it, he could easily have dumped a load of nasty “slurry”. One that filled his trousers, spilled on the floor and he was helped all the way up to the bridal “suite”.

    Like a shítty permanent “marker” dabbing any surface he’d back into it sit on.

    To be, perfectly, honest. Anyone who ****s themselves and, really, ruins a wedding and doesn’t belong in this venerable senate of faecular discussion.

    Very harsh there, mr E.


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    #3075
    hank scorpio89
    Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭hank scorpio89


    Had my first solid movement in 2 days just there.hanks back in the game baby!!


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    #3076
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users Posts: 10,561 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Very harsh there, mr E.

    Harsh but fair, B. I won’t lie, wasn’t in great form yesterday. Started drinking very early and didn’t stop until I was on the “last” bus home.

    Paid the price there earlier. Skipped into the downstairs “jacks”, dropped the cacks and coughed out a runny load of black “porridge” out my arse. Was a heavy stout session.

    Anyway, the clean up was a long, and difficult, affair. The hoop felt hot once it the paper wiped white. Just about to get up when I felt a “rumbling”. Yep, you’ve guessed it, another round in the chamber. Shot out like a “blunderbuss” and put me back to square one.

    Arse is still at me. Ruined my day, to be honest.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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    #3077
    PennyWiseClown
    Site Banned Posts: 17 ✭PennyWiseClown


    I remember once going into some civil service office (maybe a passport office) to get something, I made the bad decision to use the toilet there, f*cking disgusting, some lad had left an unbelievably massive thick log in the jacks, snaking out of the bowl it was - vile, like he was angry at the place and wanted to punish people.


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    #3078
    hank scorpio89
    Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭hank scorpio89


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Eg-hRbh_Ww


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    #3079
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    Harsh but fair, B. I won’t lie, wasn’t in great form yesterday. Started drinking very early and didn’t stop until I was on the “last” bus home.

    Paid the price there earlier. Skipped into the downstairs “jacks”, dropped the cacks and coughed out a runny load of black “porridge” out my arse. Was a heavy stout session.

    Anyway, the clean up was a long, and difficult, affair. The hoop felt hot once it the paper wiped white. Just about to get up when I felt a “rumbling”. Yep, you’ve guessed it, another round in the chamber. Shot out like a “blunderbuss” and put me back to square one.

    Arse is still at me. Ruined my day, to be honest.

    Did not ruin your day Mr Ee.

    You got lucky when you discovered there was another round in the pipes before you got up and left the premises.

    How many folk, I say , how many folk have opened the pipes and drained the contents, wiped up, left with a satisfied grin and on joining company gave what they hoped would be an ‘arse burp’ but instead release a thin blast of hot scutthery drittle which plasters the arse cheeks and seeps through the first line of defense.

    The white tropical suit is no match for that bad boy E. Would look like you got a belt of a shovel full of wet peat moss into the crotch.

    Exit stage left quanto rapido the only option, and bury the strides in the allotment next day.

    You done gotten lucky, dude.


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    #3080
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,060 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Deebles McBeebles wrote: »
    I would suggest getting the fridge close to the toilet, Hank. At least enjoy a few cans while you're sitting there sacrificing your guts to the porcelain god.

    Also, Imodium.

    Sounds like a plan, he can stick the spare toilet roll in the fridge to provide a bit of ringpiece relief.

    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    People question how one “man” could have gotten shall they from then reception all the way the bridal “suite”.

    If he’s been drinking proper cider, or Bulmers pear before they fixed it, he could easily have dumped a load of nasty “slurry”. One that filled his trousers, spilled on the floor and he was helped all the way up to the bridal “suite”.

    Yeah but it says these were formed logs. So probably at least a 4 on the old Bristol Stool Chart.

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



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    #3081
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    Harsh but fair, B. I won’t lie, wasn’t in great form yesterday. Started drinking very early and didn’t stop until I was on the “last” bus home.

    Paid the price there earlier. Skipped into the downstairs “jacks”, dropped the cacks and coughed out a runny load of black “porridge” out my arse. Was a heavy stout session.

    Anyway, the clean up was a long, and difficult, affair. The hoop felt hot once it the paper wiped white. Just about to get up when I felt a “rumbling”. Yep, you’ve guessed it, another round in the chamber. Shot out like a “blunderbuss” and put me back to square one.

    Arse is still at me. Ruined my day, to be honest.

    I feel your pain, Emmet. Had a similar day myself. Started on the porter yesterday morning with the fry in Slattery’s of Capel Street. Pushed through until 9 o’clock last night. Had 500 quid on a bird running in the 10000 metre race in the athletics and was so polluted with drink that I was seeing two of everything and thought she had lost. Must have drank at least 15 pints. Turns out she won.

    Anyways, the arse is nearly burned off my today. Pure fûcking stomach acid being squeezed out through what feels like the eye of a needle. Had to stick a bag of frozen peas into the area after one particularly distressing visit to the can. Eased up in the past few hours, and have the area doused in sudocream now.

    Sometimes I think I’m getting too old for this shït.


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    #3082
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,060 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    So if visiting Johnny's gaff for dinner, DON'T EAT THE PEAS.

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



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    #3083
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users Posts: 10,561 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Did not ruin your day Mr Ee.

    You got lucky when you discovered there was another round in the pipes before you got up and left the premises.

    How many folk, I say , how many folk have opened the pipes and drained the contents, wiped up, left with a satisfied grin and on joining company gave what they hoped would be an ‘arse burp’ but instead release a thin blast of hot scutthery drittle which plasters the arse cheeks and seeps through the first line of defense.

    The white tropical suit is no match for that bad boy E. Would look like you got a belt of a shovel full of wet peat moss into the crotch.

    Exit stage left quanto rapido the only option, and bury the strides in the allotment next day.

    You done gotten lucky, dude.

    When you put it like that, B, I guess I can’t complain too much. A “sore hole” is far more preferable to filling the jocks with scutter.

    “One in the belly is two in the toilet” as old nana Spiceland used to say. A wise woman, in her day.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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    #3084
    Hector Savage
    Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Hotblack Desiato wrote: »
    So if visiting Johnny's gaff for dinner, DON'T EAT THE PEAS.

    or if your going to ILGemmini (?) house don't have the prawns!!


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    #3085
    Hector Savage
    Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Why oh why do I always get myself into these situations ??? - If you are having a coffee and some donuts in a cafe at 8.00am, and you feel even a slight need to go - GO !!! so what if the jax in the cafe look like that bookies toilet (the worst in Scotland apparently) from Trainspotting - just GO!

    Felt a slight need, ignored it and proceeded to the metro, and today is the 2nd anniversary of all that independence sh*te here so things were moving a little slower.

    I was actually ok on the metro - but the 5 min walk from the stop to the office all of a sudden I felt the cramps and the turtles head starting to poke.
    Goosestepping it to work with my arse cheeks clenched , I looked like something from the Ministry of silly walks (https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2hwqki)

    Really thought for a while I was gonna need to dash behind a street bin and empty me guts on the road.
    made it into the office and made a beeline for the jax, a shotgun blast of midden on to the pewter, followed by a long semi solid run of loose streals of scuther.
    The relief was incredible, was almost proud looking into the bowl to see the nest of baby eels and speckles of midden around the bowl - initial shotgun blast.

    Having a 2nd coffee now, more in the works for round II later!


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    #3086
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Well done, hope you left a nice wide ‘footprint’


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    #3087
    Hector Savage
    Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Well done, hope you left a nice wide ‘footprint’

    We have had issues with some people leaving the jax looking like the goalmouth of Derby FC in the 1960s , so I always make sure there is nothing left but water in the bowl.

    I can't do anything about the fent I leave in there though - could strip paint of the Shuttle.


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    #3088
    NeinNeinNein
    Registered Users Posts: 5,678 ✭✭✭NeinNeinNein


    Hector Savage wrote: »
    We have had issues with some people leaving the jax looking like the goalmouth of Derby FC in the 1960s , so I always make sure there is nothing left but water in the bowl.

    I can't do anything about the fent I leave in there though - could strip paint of the Shuttle.
    Allegedly that's why Challenger blew up.


    The astronauts let rip straight after lift off, having been holding it in since before check in.


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    #3089
    Hector Savage
    Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    NeinNeinNein wrote: »
    Allegedly that's why Challenger blew up.


    The astronauts let rip straight after lift off, having been holding it in since before check in.

    I'd well believe it 999....


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    #3090
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Poor Dessie O Halloran went over today.... great guy

    Had a great song with Sharon Shannon. ‘Say you love me’

    Might throw a tribute here to the same tune

    Just making it up as I go along... apologies.

    I waaaaited all night
    To have a big loose Shyte
    I waaaaited all night an all the daaay

    I drew down the jocks an tightened up the chocks
    An bunted out that bad boy on his way

    She flew out from me hoop
    Like a pigeon from the coop
    She spread out like a bucket full of whey
    She covered all the ware, but of course I didn’t care
    Me guts were fully cleared out for the day


    Waiting for you, waiting for you.. say you love me say you love me..


    Rip Dessie.


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    #3091
    Hal3000
    Closed Accounts Posts: 818 ✭✭✭Hal3000


    Mail went out from our HR until today. The following makes up the bones of it:

    Can colleagues please double flush when required. The toilet windows will be open in the morning from 8am through to 5.30pm. Please do not close the windows during this time.

    Microwaveable hamburgers man is keeping a low profile these days. I’m kinda glad he's been warned. People have had enough of his vile pong.


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