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Heartbroken and scared.

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  • 18-11-2018 2:00am
    #1
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭


    I am not even looking for advice here, just need to get stuff out. I have spoken to nobody because I am too upset.

    I was living with someone for the last ten years. We both work long hours and I have other responsibilities which eat into my free time so we didn't spend much time together. I can't honestly say I didn't know there were problems because he had been quiet lately but any time I asked he said things were fine with us and work was stressing him.

    Wed night he told me he was leaving, that he has not been happy for a while and wanted to end it. He had a flat rented and he wanted out. And then he left. Done and gone in an hour. I am upset, sick and scared. I took two days off work and told other friends I was sick and wanted no company. I can't afford to rent this house on my own. I am scared and worried about the future. I miss him terribly but I know he won't be coming back.


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    #2
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I'm sorry this happened to you. In time, the shock and hurt will abate and you'll be fine. Getting over a breakup takes time so be good to yourself. Try to eat properly, get regular exercise and some sort of sleep. Reconnect with your family and friends. Make plans for the evenings and weekends so you're not sitting in the house staring at the four walls or taking comfort from alcohol.

    On a more practical level, your living situation will have to be sorted. You've two choices. Either stay in the house and rent out the spare rooms or move. Depending on your budget, it might mean going into a house share which nobody wants to do once they're past a certain age but needs must. It might mean moving home for a while. My heart goes out to you. It's bad enough having to deal with breakup without having this millstone around your neck too.


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    #3
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Thank you for your reply. I didn't tell family because there are issues. One brother recently was made redundant. Another brother has discovered heart problems. My sister's daughter has been self harming. The last brother is battling alcohol and gambling addiction. It's not that I am won't tell them but I need to process this so by the time I tell them I will be able to be ok enough to not add to their worries. None of them need another worry. I don't really want to stay here but I can't get the money together at the moment for a new place. I have 2 kids in college with no grant and I work two jobs and have two loans already. The idea of renting rooms is a very good one, thank you. I have two that I could rent as soon as he moves his stuff out.


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    #4
    Twenty Grand
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭Twenty Grand


    KathleenGrant wrote: »
    Thank you for your reply. I didn't tell family because there are issues. One brother recently was made redundant. Another brother has discovered heart problems. My sister's daughter has been self harming. The last brother is battling alcohol and gambling addiction. It's not that I am won't tell them but I need to process this so by the time I tell them I will be able to be ok enough to not add to their worries. None of them need another worry. I don't really want to stay here but I can't get the money together at the moment for a new place. I have 2 kids in college with no grant and I work two jobs and have two loans already. The idea of renting rooms is a very good one, thank you. I have two that I could rent as soon as he moves his stuff out.
    Get two people into the rooms.

    You can rent tax free (up to a point) and you can move them out whenever youre in a better place.


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    #5
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Here's some information about renting a room in your house. You can do it tax free up to €14k a year
    http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/housing/owning_a_home/home_owners/rent_a_room_scheme.html


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    #6
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    I'd ask him to pick up his stuff asap. It's none of his business that you are renting a room so I wouldn't bother telling him. I'm very sorry you are going through such heartbreak x


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    #7
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    as you didn't mention this, are the kids his too? If yes he needs to contribute financially.


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    #8
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    They aren't. Her kids are in college but she's with the guy ten years.


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    #9
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    No they are not his. His kids are all financially independent. Most of mine are. Not the last 2. Their father is not on the scene and has not been for years.


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    #10
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    This is a massive shakeup to your life. You are suddenly in limbo questioning what now? Of course you wanted to take to the bed. You need to grieve.

    I went through something similar once.

    I would recommend, as already suggested, get proactive. Sort out renting a room so you can ease the financial pressure.

    Get a good friend around. Cry and look at this as the closing of a chapter. I am older than you, 46, and don't feel old at all.

    The rest of your life is what you choose to make it. Maybe consider counselling.

    Most of all, accept there is going to be pain for some time. Don't fight this. You need to grieve the loss, but put a timeline on it.

    If it drags on, speak with your GP.

    I really feel for you, heartbreak is awful and change is scary. But you will get through this. X


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    #11
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    He is refusing to talk about anything. He will call on Saturday week for his stuff and would I please have most of it boxed.
    Oh and please would I not make this more difficult for us both than it is already.


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    #12
    Honeydew3456
    Registered Users Posts: 108 ✭✭Honeydew3456


    You poor thing. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will come out through this with a whole new exciting life in front of you. Take the time to grieve, it is a big shock to you, please don't forget to be good to yourself too. It is not your fault.

    From experience, trying to get him to talk might push him away further. My ex did this to me and
    I just couldn't talk about it as much as he would like. I found it almost impossible. To be fair to me though I had given him years of warnings so it was not like your situation as such. I can imagine now is the most time you need something from him but I would try and resist the urge to get into the conversation. Let the dust settle for a while.

    As for the above request. Wow. I would be gone to the Spa for the day and ask that he let himself in to box his own stuff as you have plans and will be out ALL day.


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    #13
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Thank you for reply and while I understand the talking thing may push him, I am afraid that once gone he will just refuse to ever tell me what I did to make him treat me this badly. I know I will be ok but I doubt I will have an exciting new life ahead of me. It just feels like this is it now for me.


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    #14
    Honeydew3456
    Registered Users Posts: 108 ✭✭Honeydew3456


    I totally understand the hurt and confusion and I agree entirely, the right thing is for him to be up front with you and explain why, but not everyone does the right thing.

    Absolutely you deserve an explanation, especially after you have been together for such a long time, but if he didn't give you one before now I doubt he will any time soon. I imagine he is caught up in his own emotional drama and not hearing your needs. If you chase answers that he is not willing to give right now you will only cause more pain and anxiety for yourself.

    Keep your friends close and in time, when you are ready, you will start keeping your diary full of things you want to do.


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    #15
    Sephiroth_dude
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 80,035 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    Cheeky git! Asking you to pack his stuff up for him? Tell him to **** off!


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    #16
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,718 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Sephiroth_dude wrote: »
    Cheeky git! Asking you to pack his stuff up for him? Tell him to **** off!

    As opposed to have him have to come in and pack all his stuff, take a couple of hours, maybe end up arguing over who owns the TV etc?

    It may seem cheeky but it is very very sensible, when emotions may be running high.

    @Op - consider asking a friend or family member to be present for this event.


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    #17
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I'd be more tempted to have all his stuff sitting in black bags, ready to be taken away. The less time he spends in the house, the better.

    I also don't think you're going to get any answers for why he ended it this way. Maybe that way of behaving was always in him but you didn't notice.


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    #18
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    People generally don't just "up and leave" like this out of the blue, especially after 10 years.

    Either there is another woman involved or he has tried and tried to talk to you and you haven't listened. In any event he's been planning this for months or years already. He had a flat organised and everything.

    Or he has some serious mental illness or a brain tumour - although the fact he was so well organised would suggest this isn't the case.

    You say he's not coming back, how can you be so sure? You had no idea he was going to leave.

    You mention problems in your family - were you focussing your energies on them to the detriment of your relationship? I'm not trying to assign blame, just trying to understand why someone would plan for months or years to leave and not show any signs.


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    #19
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    I said in my original post that he had been very quiet the last few weeks and not himself. I tried to talk to him but he kept saying it was all in my head and to leave him be.


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    #20
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Yes I probably focussed on family a bit. Maybe he was sick of that. But I did try to spend time with him. He played golf twice every weekend and would stay in club with guys after. It was hard get time then.


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    #21
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    When you get into a relationship with someone who has several children, it's inevitable that they're going to be a big part of it. Did he ever help you out with the children or did he leave everything to you?

    Going by what you've told us, it looks like he checked out of this relationship quite a while ago. All that golfing and socialising reads to me as an excuse to get out of the house and stay away from you and his home life. Ending such a long term relationship in this fashion is very poor form indeed and I don't believe he wanted to save it. There's probably not one standout reason why he decided to end it either. Chances are, it was an accumulation of things. You'll probably start to see more and more signs as time goes on.

    Your biggest priority now is to get his stuff out of the house so you can advertise the spare rooms and get some income coming in. I'm still of the "feck it all in black bags" school of thought but others will handle it differently. I think the less time he spends in the house the better for you.


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    #22
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    KathleenGrant wrote: »
    Yes I probably focussed on family a bit. Maybe he was sick of that. But I did try to spend time with him. He played golf twice every weekend and would stay in club with guys after. It was hard get time then.

    Golf twice every weekend? That's practically all.weekend!


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    #23
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    professore wrote: »
    Golf twice every weekend? That's practically all.weekend!

    Yes. Sat and Sun. Three weekend trips in the last 4 months. I may have been occupied with family but he wasn't exactly sitting at home feeling neglected.


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    #24
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    When you get into a relationship with someone who has several children, it's inevitable that they're going to be a big part of it. Did he ever help you out with the children or did he leave everything to you?

    Going by what you've told us, it looks like he checked out of this relationship quite a while ago. All that golfing and socialising reads to me as an excuse to get out of the house and stay away from you and his home life. Ending such a long term relationship in this fashion is very poor form indeed and I don't believe he wanted to save it. There's probably not one standout reason why he decided to end it either. Chances are, it was an accumulation of things. You'll probably start to see more and more signs as time goes on.

    Your biggest priority now is to get his stuff out of the house so you can advertise the spare rooms and get some income coming in. I'm still of the "feck it all in black bags" school of thought but others will handle it differently. I think the less time he spends in the house the better for you.

    I agree. Also if he's moved out and isn't paying rent, he has absolutely no right to be dictating when he'll be over to collect his stuff. And the absolute neck of him to ask you to box it up! I'd put it all in black bags (I suppose set it in neatly if you like) and text him and tell him that it will be available for him to collect this Saturday between 1pm and 2pm, you'll have it in the hall for him and if he doesn't collect it then, you'll be storing it in the shed because there's no room in the house.

    He's treated you really badly, so you're under no obligation to neatly box up his stuff and have him decide when to waltz in and collect it.


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    #25
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,304 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Toots wrote: »
    He's treated you really badly, so you're under no obligation to neatly box up his stuff and have him decide when to waltz in and collect it.

    To be fair there is no easy way to end a 10 year relationship. Removing himself is probably the best way rather than weeks of heartache living together but not together. Having the OP box the stuff will hopefully prevent arguments or prolonged exposure that may cause both pain.

    OP you may not get the closure you seek from this relationship and there is no good advice I can give other than to look after yourself. The next few weeks will be very tough. Try to eat properly and get exercise


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    #26
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    I understand there is no easy way to end a 10 yr relationship. But look at what he did. Was that easier for him or easier for me? In my opinion it was easy for him. Instead of having the balls to talk to me he took the easy way out. He sorted himself with a new flat and a new life. He had time to sort himself, time to save his deposit. I was knocked for six, a killer punch I am still reeling from. Can't afford the rent alone. I pay one month, he pays the next. Guess where his deposit came from? This months rent that he should have paid but didn't. Don't give me the whole "no easy way" he took the easy, cowards way out. Pack his stuff??? Wait till next Saturday.


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    #27
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Have you advertised the rooms for rent yet? That should now be your number one priority, seeing as money is tight. I take it he didn't come on Saturday then. Is that an impediment to you advertising the rooms?

    Yes he could /should have ended the relationship better. It is what it is though and you can't change that. Don't let your anger and desire for answers paralyse you into inaction here. You've got to get those rooms rented out and money coming in ASAP. Especially as we're coming up to Christmas and the end of the year.


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    #28
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    He was not coming last Saturday. Saturday this week. He had a wedding Saturday and a golfing tournament yesterday. I am not sure I can rent the rooms without speaking to landlord first. I am calling to him tonight.


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    #29
    never_mind
    Registered Users Posts: 915 ✭✭✭never_mind


    Your landlord will need to know what has happened and then you can look at subletting a room or two. As it stands, things are a bit hectic with housing and you will be able to choose from a high number of applicants to the spaces.

    OP, you just need to get through this day by day. My mother was with my dad for over 30 years and she got through it after he cheated on her - you will too.


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    #30
    KathleenGrant
    Registered Users Posts: 3,777 ✭✭✭KathleenGrant


    Two people moving in this weekend. Didn't even need to advertise. Landlord knew of two guys sharing a flat who had to move. He has been very good. This should help me a lot. Thanks for suggestion people.

    On another note, I am heartbroken still and very lonely. The house is so quiet. Every day I wake up with a sense of dread. I'm sure it will go.


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    #31
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    that's so good to hear! one big burden off you and good to hear there are still nice landlords out there.


This discussion has been closed.
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